Chapter Text
I can’t eat dinner that night. Even knowing how hard Ma worked with the new stove, I just don’t have an appetite. I put the rose in the draw of my bedside table to avoid any questions Ma would have if she saw it.
I’m lying in my comfy bed now, if I had it my way Ma would have the master bedroom but in this case i’d rather no one was sleeping in this bed. I’m only complying to sleep in here because otherwise I feel like I'd be stepping out of line and I can't afford to do that. Especially not now.
I can only stare into the darkness of my room, as the thoughts of the creation of my own doom I have condemned myself with overwhelm me. When I finally give into sleep,ghosts come to haunt me. Maysilee is the first, she’s bloody, covered in deep wounds from the birds and screaming at me, Lou Lou comes too screaming, or I think it’s Lou Lou because Louella wouldn't scream at me like that. But then neither would Maysilee.
I wake with a start in the dead of night, mind racing, with one thought only: I must get to Lenore Dove. I must warn her of Snow. Now I'm convinced that rose was a warning about her. I carefully creep out of bed, then dress, and I'm careful as I make my way down the hall. I see the crack of my Ma’s new bedroom and peak in to ensure she’s asleep. Through the door, I make out Ma with Sid curled up at her side, peacefully asleep. I go downstairs and grab my jacket then flee into the night.
The eeriness of the night makes me uneasy and when I reach the Covey’s house it lies dark. The uncles gave Lenore Dove the loft for her own. I climb up the drainpipe, trying to figure if she’s made it home, but the whole place seems empty. Were they at the base all night? Have Tam Amber and Clerk Carmine been arrested as well? I doubt they’re out giving a show, things being what they are. I don’t want to be hanging around the house if they return. If Clerk Carmine didn’t approve of me before the Hunger Games, imagine how the rascal’s murderous run will have played for him. Oh and let’s not forget the jackass or the coward who abandoned his allies.
I head down to the Meadow, concealing myself behind some bushes. The first place Lenore Dove will come is the Meadow to her geese , without a doubt. Sitting on a fallen log, barefooted and in my normal clothes , I feel safer than I have in weeks, aside from being in Ma’s arms. I like being hidden here in the dark, where no one can find me. Out of the view of the Capitol, but also away from the pitying eyes of District 12, who are no doubt speculating how crazy I have gone, there’s always something about victors: it's either your a star in the capitol, a mentor or crazy then the one in a million of being all of the above. I don’t know what's worse, but I certainly don’t want to be seen as crazy or go crazy, I'd rather just stick to mentoring which I know will be a new kind of pain and guilt.
The sky takes on the soft glow that precedes the sun’s arrival. The first birds begin to sing in the day. They’re joined by a chorus of honking, then angry voices. I lift my head to see the rare and radiant Lenore Dove herding her gaggle into the Meadow.
“You’re not to go running off!” Clerk Carmine says from the edge of the Meadow.
He’s agitated, shaking a finger at her. Tam Amber stands with him, a little more stooped than I remember.
“He’s right, Lenore Dove. This is stretching house arrest to its limits already.” The base commander must have given a hard-line directive.
Tam Amber’s the easy parent, the one she goes to with a questionable request, so if he’s worried . . .
“I know! I heard you the first ten times!” she hollers back in exasperation.
“I just want five minutes to myself. Is that possible around here? Or am I still in prison?”
“Fine. Five minutes. Then I want you back in the house for breakfast, you hear me?” says Clerk Carmine. She gives him a Peacekeeper’s salute.
“Yes, sir. Understood, sir. You can count on me, sir.” Clerk Carmine takes a step forward, but Tam Amber lays a hand on his arm, and he just resigns himself to a parting shot.
“Don’t make us come down to fetch you, young lady.”
The uncles head back to the house. Suddenly, I feel a burst of affection for Clerk Carmine. We both really want the same thing: for Lenore Dove to be safe and happy. And he was right. About his concerns over me, I mean. A boy from a rebel family who brews white liquor and disappears for hours with his niece in the woods does not spell security. Plus, I’m not even musical. I think I would have won him over eventually, if I’d had the chance. But now, it comforts me that when I run away, he will be here guarding her. I guess I’ll never have a chance to tell him so, but it’s true.
As I wait to be sure the coast is clear, I soak up the loveliness of Lenore Dove. She spins around, head back, arms lifted to the sky. It must have been hell for her being locked up. She can’t stand for anything to be confined. Especially wild things, which, of course, she is.
The geese run around, chewing her out for being gone. She just sweet-talks them and strokes their necks. She’s about to roost on her favorite rock when she gives an exclamation of surprise and scoops something up. It’s my bag of gumdrops. The ones I had Sid deliver to her after the reaping. I guess she left them here before she went to perform that night. She presses the candy to her heart and twirls around, grinning, then breaks into the little white bag. I can’t wait another second. As I take off across the Meadow, she catches sight of me, cries out my name, and runs to meet me. I sweep her into my arms and spin her around and we’re both laughing and kissing like crazy.
“Oh, Lenore Dove. Oh, my love,” I say.
“You came back,” she says, tears streaming, but happy tears.
“You came back to me. In this world!”
“And you managed not to get hung!” I crow back.
We hold each other so tight it’s like we’re one person. Which we are, for real. Her hands run over my face.
“Are you okay? Are you really all right?’
“As right as rain,”
I promise her. I don’t care, I can’t leave her. She’ll want to run away with me, and I’ll let her. We’ll figure out a way to live. Because I don’t think either of us can live without the other. We sink into the Meadow grass, hands clasped. She reaches for the bag of gumdrops that she dropped in our reunion.
“Thanks for the candy. Gosh, look how hard I’m shaking!”
“Here,” I say, taking the bag, not that I’m any steadier.
I pluck a sweet from the bag and pop it in her mouth. She laughs.
“Now you’re home, I guess I can eat the others.”
“What others?”
I feed her another gumdrop.
“The ones Sid brought me. I put them under my pillow.”
“But . . .” I look down at the bag.
It’s a normal bag, with the Donners’ label. Then I notice the gumdrops. Not a variety of colors. Not a rainbow. They’re all a deep bloodred. I remember Snow’s rose, his final words to me, and the pieces fall into place.
“Spit it out!” I order her, cupping my hand before her mouth.
“Spit it out now!” Her face registers shock as she spits a half-chewed gumdrop into my palm.
“What? It’s fine.”
“Where’s the other? Where’s the first one?” I give her a shake.
“I swallowed it, I guess. Why?”
“Throw it up! Get it out of your stomach!” She’s panicking now.
“What’s going on, Haymitch?” I think of the arena.
“Do you all have any charcoal tablets at the house?”
“Charcoal tablets? No, I don’t think so. Why would —” I see her put it together.
She leans over, sticks a finger down her throat, and tries to gag the thing up.
“I can’t do it. I’ve barely eaten in days. There’s nothing to throw up!”
“Come on,” I pull her to her feet.
“Come on.” I begin to call for help.
“Clerk Carmine! Clerk Carmine!”
“Haymitch, I —” A perplexed look crosses her face and she presses a hand to her chest.
Her knees give way.
“I can’t stand up.” I pull her back to her feet.
“You’ve got to! Just get to the house.” I throw back my head and scream, “Clerk Carmine! Help! Help us!”
I see Clerk Carmine running, Tam Amber right behind him.
She collapses into my arms.
Then there’s a holler behind me- Burdock. I spin around to him, scream for what my life’s worth to get Astrid March and he’s off into the town in a flash.
I kneel back on the ground, her body across mine.
“Lenore Dove . . .” I plead. “Don’t. Don’t.” A blood-flecked foam bubbles up over her lips. “Oh, no . . . no . . .”
Clerk Carmine and Tam Amber are over us. Clerk Carmine rips her from my arms and in an instant is trying to get her to throw up but it’s no use. Tam Amber has run back to the house.
“Dove, Dove, Dovie please” Clerk Carmine pleads with her as do I. But words of begging and encouragement do her no good.
Then Tam amber is back with what appears to be the root of the plant and forces it down Lenore Dove's throat. She retches several times on her hand and knees and Clerk Carmine hold her steady before she hurls and a foul mixture of blood and vomit comes from her, she throws up more and Clerk Carmine rubs circles on her back as he begins to cry in pain from the strain and burn of the vomit.
Then Burdock arrives with Astrid in tow and in an instant I see her relief of seeing that Lenore Dove has already thrown up. Astrid crotches down next to her and immediately starts giving instructions on what needs to happen to ensure that the poison is completely gone and she also pulls out a syrup she concocted to help sooth her stomach from the after effects of poison. Burdock beside Tam Amber checking her over with his own eyes, with a look of terror at what the loss could have been.
It sinks into me now what I’ve done. I nearly killed my love.
“Hay, are you okay?” Burdock asks me with a gentle voice.
I nod.
I’m not okay but I will be. I've made up my mind on what I need to do. What Lenore dove needs to be safe. What Ma needs. What Sid needs. What all my friends need.
I need to be dead. I need to kill myself.
As betee had said:
“If I had known, I could have killed myself, and Ampert would be safe at home. That is how Snow works.”
I snatch up the bag of poisoned gumdrops and before anyone notices I take off back to Victor's village. I sprint in through ignoring my Ma’s calls and go straight to my room and close the door locking it behind me. I open the bag and I spy Lenore doves ticket to safety, blood red gumdrops. I wonder how many it would take for my death to be qicker…but that’s too selfish I don't deserve a painless death. So I settled for the idea it would bring Ma comfort.
“Haymtich! What is going on! Where were you?” Ma yells, she bangs on the door “ Unlock this door now!”
I’ve never heard Ma sound so angry. So panicked.
I reach in the bag and pry out six gumdrops and down them at once. I wait. I wait for the pain. The bloody foam to appear on my lips. I want the pain. I wait for the paralysis to take over my body.
After a few minutes nothing happens. A wave of rage crashes down on me. These are the same poisoned gumdrops that Lenore Dove ate. I eat more, until the bag is gone, but I am not dead. I’m I going crazy? Did I hallucinate that Lenore Doves attempted Murder or was it just me that did that to her? Did I try to murder my love?
My thoughts consume me entirely.
Ma’s yelling is louder. I can hear Sid crying and asking what is going on.
My chest tightens until it hurts to breathe.
The room flickers.
For a moment the soft carpet under my feet isn’t carpet anymore–it’s dry dirt, gritty and uneven. The big quiet house twists in my vision, walls stretching and bending like the arena did when the forcefield hit.
I grab the edge of the bed.
“Stop,” I whisper to no one.
But my mind isn't listening. It’s no longer my own.
I see the arena again–too bright, too loud. Hear the cannon blasts echoing through my skull. Smell blood and burning metal and fear.
My heart starts racing like I’m running again.
“NO!”
The word tears out of my throat before I even know I’m saying it.
I stagger to my feet, hands clutching my hair as the images slam into me harder.
People are screaming.
Lou Lou is gasping.
Ampert is silent.
“They’re dead,” I choke out, pacing the room like an animal trapped in a cage. “They’re all dead. They’re–”
My voice cracks and turns into something raw and broken.
“I didn’t mean to win!” I shout hoarsely, my words echoing off the tall ceilings. “I didn’t want it! I didn’t–”
My breath comes in ragged gasps.
The walls feel like they’re closing in.
I fell to my knees.
I want, I beg and plead for the area to stay away from my mind.
Before I know it I'm slamming my head into the floor. Over and over.
And suddenly I’m not in Victor’s Village anymore.
I’m back in the arena.
I know it with absolute certainty.
The Capitol must’ve sent something new. A trick. A second arena hidden inside the first. They’re watching me again, waiting to see what I’ll do.
I spin toward the window. I stumble upwards.
Beyond the glass the dark yard looks wrong—too still, too quiet.
It was just early morning…
A trap.
“They’re watching,” I mutter, backing away. “They’re always watching.”
The panic surges through me like fire.
If I stay here, I will die.
That’s the rule.
You move. You survive.
My eyes dart around the room, searching for a way out. My chest burns with the need to run, to escape before whatever they’ve planned finds me first.
The window is closest.
Without thinking, I grab the heavy lamp from the bedside table.
And I hurl it.
The glass explodes with a deafening crash.
Shards rain down around me, glittering in the dim light. One slices across my arm, another bites into my hand when I shove the broken frame aside.
I barely feel it.
Pain is normal in the arena.
Pain means you’re still alive.
I climb through the shattered window and drop outside, my feet hitting the ground hard. My head spins but I force myself forward, stumbling across the grass toward the dark edge of the district.
Run.
Just run.
My mind fractures after that.
Pieces of memory scatter like broken glass. The cold air burning my lungs, the sound of my own breathing too loud in the night.
Then the world goes black.
Into just… nothing.
-
When I come back to myself, the air smells like coal dust.
My eyes snap open.
Darkness presses in on all sides, broken only by a weak electric light buzzing somewhere overhead. The ceiling is low and rough, thick wooden beams running across it to keep the earth from collapsing.
A tunnel.
There’s only one tunnel I know of in the area.
My heart slams against my ribs.
Why would sub-A smell like coal dust? Why does sub-A look so worn down?
“They put me here,” I whisper hoarsely as I put it together.
Of course they did.
They must’ve dragged me down here after I broke the arena. Locked me underground so the cameras could watch me panic. Watch the victor suffer.
Because…
I am the victor.
Everyone is dead.
I stay behind the wooden beam I've been up against, my knees pull tight to my chest without me meaning them to, arms wrapping around them like that might make me smaller. Harder to find.
The beam smells like old wood and coal dust. Splinters catch in my sleeve when I shift. Somewhere deeper in the tunnels water drips steadily, each drop echoing like a ticking clock.
I try to breathe quietly.
If they hear me, I’m dead.
The Capitol always finishes what it starts.
My hands are shaking so badly the dirt under my fingers trembles. Something warm trickles down my palm and I realize vaguely it’s blood–-dark and sticky where the glass is still lodged in my skin.
But that doesn’t matter.
Pain doesn’t matter.
Only hiding matters.
I press myself tighter behind the beam, heart hammering so loud I’m sure it’ll give me away.
Stay still.
Stay quiet.
Survive.
Coward. Another voice intercepts my thoughts. I ignore it.
For a long time nothing happens.
Then-
Voices.
Faint at first. Muffled by the twists of the tunnel.
My entire body locks up.
Footsteps scrape against gravel somewhere down the passage. A lantern flickers, throwing weak yellow light along the dirt walls.
“They said he came this way,” someone calls.
The voice echoes.
Another one answers, lower, tense. “Haymitch? You down here, boy?”
The sound punches the air out of my lungs.
They’re looking for me.
Of course they are.
The Capitol never leaves a Victor alone for long.
I curl tighter behind the beam, pressing my forehead against my knees. My breathing turns shallow and frantic.
If I move, they’ll see me.
If they see me–
The lantern light grows brighter as the footsteps get closer. Shadows stretch across the tunnel walls, long and warped.
Three figures.
I can see their shapes now between the beams.
One of them carries the lantern. Another holds something that glints faintly–maybe a tool. Maybe a weapon.
“Haymitch!” a voice calls again.
But it sounds wrong.
Too familiar.
That’s just another trick.
The Gamemakers love tricks.
My pulse screams in my ears.
The lantern swings closer.
Closer.
Then the light finally spills across the beam I’m hiding behind.
One of them gasps. “There!”
Panic explodes through me.
Before I even think about it, I’m on my feet and running.
My bare feet sting on the loose gravel as I bolt down the tunnel. Pain shoots through my hand when I slam it against the wall for balance, but adrenaline keeps my legs moving.
Behind me the voices shout.
“Haymitch, wait—!”
“Stop!”
Of course they want me to stop.
I run faster.
The tunnel twists sharply and I nearly crash into a support beam. My vision swims, the lantern light bouncing wildly behind me.
Blood drips from my hand, leaving dark spots on the dusty ground.
My lungs burn.
My chest feels like it’s tearing open.
I don’t make it far.
Hands grab the back of my jacket.
I scream.
Raw, desperate, terrified.
“LET GO OF ME!” I thrash wildly, twisting and clawing at the arms holding me. “LET GO–PLEASE–PLEASE–”
The man behind me tightens his grip.
“Haymitch, stop!”
But the voice is wrong. The words are wrong. My mind can’t make sense of them.
“They’re gonna kill me!” I choke out, struggling harder. “Please–just let me go–I won’t fight–”
I swing my elbow back blindly, hitting something solid.
The man grunts but doesn’t release me.
“Easy!” another voice says urgently. “He ain’t right–”
“Haymitch!” the one holding me says sharply.
I keep fighting.
My heart is racing too fast, my vision flashing white at the edges. They want to take me.
“NO!” I shout hoarsely. “You can’t take me back! I WON’T GO BACK!”
Suddenly the man grabs both my shoulders and spins me around hard.
My back slams against a wooden beam.
The lantern light floods my vision.
And a face fills my world.
Familiar brown eyes.
Clerk Carmine.
My brain stutters.
For a second nothing makes sense.
He grips my shoulders tightly, breathing hard, his expression somewhere between furious and terrified.
“Look at me,” he says.
I shake my head wildly. “No—no, you’re not—”
“Haymitch!”
His voice cracks like a whip.
My eyes finally focus.
Clerk Carmine is staring right at me.
Not a Capitol worker.
Not a Gamemaker.
My chest jerks as if someone punched me.
“What–” My voice comes out thin and broken. “What…?”
The tunnel suddenly feels different. Real. The dirt walls rough under my fingertips. The smell of coal thick in the air.
Behind Clerk carmine, Tam Amber stands a few steps back, pale with worry. The coal storage manager hovers beside him, lantern shaking in his hand.
Clerk Carmine’s grip on my shoulders softens slightly, though he doesn’t let go.
“Haymitch,” he says again, slower this time. “You’re in District 12.”
The words sink into me like stones dropping through water.
District 12.
Home.
Not the arena.
Not the Capitol.
My head spins.
“I–” I swallow hard, staring at him like he’s speaking another language. “I was–”
Clerk carmine glances down briefly at the blood on my hands, the glass embedded in my skin, the trail behind us on the ground.
His jaw tightens.
“You smashed the damn window out of your house, on a second floor window, and ran halfway across the district.” he mutters “Everyone’s been searching for ages.”
Then his eyes soften.
I don’t think I've ever seen such kindness in his eyes towards me.
“Your ma’s about ready to lose her mind,” he adds quietly. “And Lenore Dove’s been asking for you since she woke up, passed out right after you left.”
My heart sinks, I had just poised my love and then abandoned her.
I poised her… the gumdrops.
Why am I still alive?
“We found the gumdrops in your room.” Clerk Carmine said as if reading my mind. “Never knew you could be so damn stupid. You’re Ma was cursing to high heaven when I told her what those gumdrops could’ve been.”
I try to open my mouth for an explanation but Tam Amber beats me to it.
“We understand Snow is after some kind of way to punish you. But locking yourself away ain’t gonna do anyone good.”
“I can’t-” I wheeze as my voice cracks.
“You also owe us an explanation as to why our niece is being targeted.”
I violently shake my head to try and explain I didn't mean for this to happen.
“We know it's not something you intended on.” Tam Amber assures, his eyes pitying me.
I suddenly feel a tug, in my body as if the pump from my chest has been pulled again but this time i can feel the exhaustion so deep it feels like it’s hollowed me out from the inside. The adrenaline is gone.
My legs buckle.
Clerk Carmine catches me before I hit the ground.
“Whoa–easy there,” he mutters, tightening his grip and then pulls me upright again.
I have no will to move.
My head lolls forward, resting weakly against Clerk Carmine’s shoulder, my body starts shaking with small, uncontrollable tremors. The fight that had filled me moments ago seems to have been completely drained.
“I–I thought…” I try to whisper hoarsely.
The words slur together.
Clerk Camine shifts me gently with an arm around my back to support more weight. I feel like I'll crumble without his support.
Tears start sliding down my face without warning.
Not loud sobs at first–just silent ones, my breathing starts to stutter.
“I didn’t mean to,” I mumbled weakly.
Clerk Carmine frowns.
“I didn’t want… I didn’t want it…”
My fingers involuntarily twitch weakly against Clerk Camine’s jacket.
“I wanted Wellie… I wanted her to win…”
Tam Amber and the manager exchange a worried glance.
my voice cracks. I don’t even know how I'm saying this.
“They cut it,” I mutter. “They cut it all… the Games… they make it look different… they change it…I swear… I’m not a jackass…I’m not… they make it look that way… the Capitol does… Snow does…”
Clerk Camine tightens his hold a little.
“Snow hates me,” I whisper.
The name hangs heavy in the tunnel.
“He knows… he knows about Lenore Dove…”
His voice drops even lower.
“He spoke to me… about the covey… he knew about it all…”
Now Clerk Carmine is shaking from fear or anger.
“I didn’t see them,” I say as another thought comes to me.
Clerk Carmine blinks. “See who?”
“My family,” I whispered.“They showed the recap… all the dead… all the families of tributes…”
My voice trembles.
“They didn’t show mine.”
Tam Amber swallows hard.
“I thought… I thought they were already gone,” I stutter and continue weakly. “Thought Snow got them… before I even got back…”
My mind is so scattered I don't know what I’m saying, but I still talk.
“The message… the homecoming…”
My head jerks slightly.
“Snow said– e-enjoy your homecoming.”
I see Tam Amber shutter.
I shutter and it seems my final strength I had left was taken from me by talking.
But Clerk Carmine and Tam Amber are safe for me.
In my odd final conscious moments I let my final thought slip onto my lips.
“…should be dead,Should’ve died there…”
My eyelids flutter.
“Would’ve been easier…”
I feel my body go limp and Clerk Carmine, to my surprise and part embarrassment, picks me up as if cradling me, my head rests against his chest. No one has held me like this aside from Ma or Pa. That was when I was young. In this moment it brings me comfort.