Chapter Text
Victoria didn’t know how to approach it. Sex. More specifically, the best way to go about it. Six months ago, if Victoria had been told she would be in this situation, she wouldn’t believe it. Of course not. Victoria had accepted herself as a sexless loser. Now, with the possibility of having sex, specifically—only, with Cassie—it excited her, rather than scared her. She wished her notebook was beside her, in the car, so she could jot down notes about it.
Victoria had no idea if Cassie even wanted to have sex. But, she’d asked her to go back to her place, and McKay obliged. So, it had to be sex. Victoria, for all the grief she caused Cassie during their time together, at least wanted it to be good. Worth, in her mind, breaking both of their morals for.
There was a sense of something uneasy in the air. McKay drove the rest of the way home not saying a word, just the feel of her hand on Victoria’s thigh, rubbing in circular motions. Her breath was steady, even, but Victoria knew she was thinking. There was a calmness to her that Victoria envied. Her heart was rattling against her ribs, bouncing around with no care to what it destroyed. Cassie wouldn’t have brought her all this way just to reject her again. She wouldn’t take her all the way here, knowing her kid was gone for the weekend. Cassie parked, and neither one made a move to get out. Not yet.
“Say the word, and I’ll drive you home,” McKay tapped her fingers against the steering wheel. “Whatever you want. Or, I can bring out the air mattress if you don’t want to be around your mom—”
That got Victoria to smile. “You actually bought one?”
“No, but—“
“When did you know?” Victoria asked, out of nowhere. She didn’t know how to ask, whether to specify—when Cassie knew Victoria liked her, when Cassie knew she liked Victoria back. She wasn’t going to let Cassie overthink herself into oblivion. She wanted to get what she came here for.
In the dark, Victoria took Cassie’s face in her hands. Before she even had the chance to speak, Cassie stole the moment.
“You glow, you know? When you’re confident, when you’re happy, when you know what you’re doing.” Cassie exhaled sharply. “It’s nice.”
Victoria blinked at that, confused. “What?”
Cassie held her gaze, a smile forming across her face, as she brought her hand up and brushed against Victoria’s cheek with her knuckles. “I knew. The night you kissed me,” she lowered her voice. “I had this feeling—watching you work, being so patient and kind to others, it brings out something in you. It makes you glow.” Cassie smiled, then shook her head. “The way Harrison loved you so effortlessly, too, it warmed my heart. You’ve been on my mind for a long time.” She lowered her finger to Victoria’s lips. “I didn’t know how I felt about you until I realized that I felt jealous, seeing you kiss the girl at the bar. When you kissed me…it all made sense, and I hated myself for it.”
Victoria pressed a small, soft kiss to McKay’s hand.
“I was trying to make you jealous,” she admitted. “The first time I went out to that bar, I kissed the same girl.” A flash of jealousy crossed Cassie’s face, and it excited Victoria, if not made her feel a little bad. “She’s the reason I realized I liked women. That I liked you.”
“It worked.” Cassie wouldn’t look at her again, but there was a small smile. Victoria was already laying herself bare, she might as well tell the whole truth.
“If it makes you feel any better, I hated myself for it, too,” she whispered. “I felt disgusting and filthy and wanted to just forget it.” Victoria sucked in a breath. “It was a constant fight all the time. You made me feel so good about myself. Like you see all the effort I put in, and you care about it. About me. You make me really happy.” She didn’t want to freak Cassie out—she threw a life preserver her way. “If you want this to be a one time thing, I’m okay with that. I don’t want to pressure you, into like, a relationship, but—“ Victoria had to be the honest one now. “I really like you. I wouldn’t say no to…being together, if you wanted. Or, if you don’t want to, that’s fine.”
When Victoria said that last line, she couldn’t look at Cassie in the face, but that wasn’t important.
Victoria hadn’t even meant to say it, but she at least wanted the offer out there. She could take it, she thought, if Cassie rejected her. At least, that’s what she’d be telling herself. It would be worth it just to have one night with someone who genuinely cared for her, saw her as the person she was working so hard to become.
“Vadi...” McKay pulled away. It left Victoria with a chill in her body. “You wouldn’t be pressuring me into anything. It’s not like—“ Cassie flushed, and Victoria drank in the sight. “I mean it’s not like I haven’t thought about it. You don’t have to pretend like nothing bothers you.” Cassie reached out to hold her chin, to make Victoria look at her. “Don’t we both want the same thing?”
Victoria widened her eyes, looked at her expectantly. When Cassie initiated the kiss, Victoria decided she’d do anything the woman in front of her wanted. Cassie let go, and Victoria stewed in the moment, in the tenderness she was allowed to feel.
Victoria gnawed on the inside of her cheek. She was trying, and surely not succeeding—at hiding her satisfaction. She reached towards McKay, felt McKay melt into her touch as Victoria hugged her and whispered in her ear: “You aren’t taking advantage. I want this just as much as you do.” If Victoria would regret this later on, ten years down the line, was neither here nor there. Right now, she wanted McKay so badly she was willing to do anything.
McKay showed her teeth when she smiled. She took Victoria’s hand, brought it up to her lips, and kissed her knuckles. “Come on, let’s get inside.” The walk to the door was a race to get Victoria’s heartbeat under control. At least, to be quiet enough so that it wouldn’t be so obvious. Almost like McKay could read her mind, she asked, “Are you nervous?”
Bringing it up felt forbidden, somehow. Like it would be unsexy to ask how someone was doing right before going to bed with them.
“Yes,” Victoria admitted, hoping it wouldn’t send Cassie running in the opposite direction. They had already crossed a line, already broken their set boundaries. She wouldn’t feel ashamed about destroying them completely. “Are you?”
“Yeah,” Cassie cast her a look that Victoria knew was meant to be assuring. “I am.”
McKay’s question didn’t dull the desire in her stomach, instead, it gave Victoria a reminder that this was McKay. McKay knew better than anyone how to keep Victoria on her feet. This wasn’t a hook up with a stranger at a bar. It was someone who Victoria felt comfortable with, who she didn’t have to overthink about. They were both nervous about this, and that was okay. Cassie fumbled with her keys, pushing the door in. She flipped on the light, exposing her living room. McKay took off her jacket and threw it onto the side of the couch, and Victoria slipped off her shoes. The door shut behind them.
When Victoria talked herself into looking at Cassie’s face, she realized, with great delight, that her cheeks were red, the tips of her ears. As nervous as she was, she still had a goal for tonight. The feeling in her stomach was getting harder to ignore. Cassie, unbothered, it seemed—too far away from her.
“Kiss me?” Victoria asked.
Cassie laughed. She stood there, just observing, with a tilt of her head and that boyish grin of hers. Victoria was impatient. Victoria was tired of taking it slow. She still made no move towards Victoria, which was not fair at all.
“You’re going to fuck me tonight, right?” she asked, boldly, brazenly—and Cassie let out a sound that was halfway between a laugh and a sigh, snorting at her. It was meant to spur Cassie into kissing her, passionately—like Victoria had seen in the movies, but she feared that it might have had the opposite effect. Victoria dialed it back, wondered if that was the uncool thing to say, but she smirked.
“Jesus, Vadi.” It felt so nice, getting Cassie to laugh. “Guess we can skip the candles and rose petals, huh?”
Victoria rolled her eyes, resisting the urge to gag. “Gross.” Victoria pictured Cassie illuminated by candlelight, with nothing covering her besides a few petals, and she wasn’t opposed to the idea. Not wanting to waste another second, Victoria took Cassie’s hand and tugged, Victoria’s lips meeting the corner of her mouth. She adjusted, slightly, accidentally nipping Cassie’s lip with her teeth, an apology ready to come out, and—
Cassie groaned.
“That’s—That was hot,” Victoria said against her lips, stupidly, like all the blood in her brain had gone between her legs. “I didn’t hurt you?”
“No,” she laughed, holding Victoria closely, delighted. She dropped her arms, finding Victoria’s hand. “No, you didn’t hurt me. Hey, I just realized—You’ve never been in my room before, huh?” Victoria shook her head, refusing to admit that she dreamed about it. She’d never actually been inside the room before. While she was watching Harrison, Victoria had strictly made that room off-limits. “Sorry, in advance, if it’s a little bit of a mess.” Then, Cassie was leading Victoria through the hallway, down to her bedroom, and inside Cassie’s space—so undeniably Cassie, it made Victoria’s heart leap inside her chest. Before Cassie did anything, she switched on the lamp at her bedside.
Her boots, the same she’d worn the night of Victoria’s birthday, were by the door.
Victoria didn’t have time to dissect and analyze every piece of Cassie’s bedroom, because Cassie was kissing her again, hungrily—and it made her head swim. Victoria had done this to her. Like at work, she could feel the way Cassie restrained herself, even here, in her room. Victoria tried, gently, to push Cassie back, give her a few seconds of breath. She took that time just to admire how Cassie looked, pouting as if Victoria had taken something away from her that she really wanted.
Victoria put both hands on Cassie’s chest, pushing her onto the bed. She wrapped herself around Cassie’s torso, then, leaning forward to kiss her. Cassie’s hand traveled to Victoria’s back, gripping her hips. She still felt like McKay was holding back—like she was afraid to make the first move, it was all on Victoria to tell Cassie what she wanted. If Victoria was being honest, she just wanted Cassie to tell her what to do without constantly worrying about whether or not Victoria was okay with it. It was Cassie, and Victoria was fine with anything.
Cassie was giving her control of the situation.
Victoria didn’t…want to be responsible anymore. She did, however, decide to do the one thing she’d been thinking about since her birthday.
Grinding against her, feeling herself growing wet at the thought of using Cassie’s thigh to alleviate the pressure between her legs, she straddled her.
Victoria broke away in order to get the ball rolling. She pulled her shirt up over her head, watched as Cassie’s eyes burned a trail down to her breasts, the maroon bra she’d picked out, and she took Cassie’s hand. Cassie was wearing far too many clothes, Victoria decided. She tugged at McKay’s shirt, helping slide it over her head, her eyes widening at the sight of McKay’s stomach, the black sports bra, the chain around her neck, the pale slender skin.
Victoria reached out to touch the metal, memorizing the feel of the material between her fingers. She wanted to do something disgusting like suck on it. That made heat flare, sharp, inside her.
“Touch me,” she said, filing away that information for later. “You’re holding back, Cassie.”
“I’m not—“ Cassie tried, but Victoria used Cassie’s hand and pressed it against her chest. Victoria let out a little sound at the contact, at Cassie’s cold hand touching her. Victoria used her own hand to rub them both together before she put it back on her breast. “Oh, God.”
“Touch me,” Victoria begged, her voice edging on a whisper. She hadn’t wanted to give Cassie a reminder of her lack of experience, the years between them—a reason for Cassie to turn Victoria away, but the words came without warning. “I don’t know what I’m doing.” Unspoken: I need you to teach me.
“Oh.” A funny look crossed Cassie’s face then as if she were contemplating something. Her hands were cold as she used one hand to unhook Victoria’s bra, and naked, exposed—Cassie hoisted Victoria up. “I’m sorry, baby,” she said. “I’ll take care of you, I promise.” She ran her hands up Victoria’s sides, her eyes filling with something she couldn’t quite name. Victoria felt Cassie touch down her back, admiring, looking at Victoria for any chance of regret, palms sliding up to cup Victoria’s breasts. She started slow, peppering kisses down Victoria’s neck, which made her shiver.
She tried to ignore the wetness between her legs. Kind of hated how easy it was for Cassie to unravel her like this.
“You’re so pretty,” Cassie told her, then closed her lips around Victoria’s nipple.
Victoria jerked, the unfamiliar sensation shocking her, until her cheeks burned, watching Cassie, feeling a little embarrassed and turned on and hot all over. “Fuck,” she said, relishing in the way Cassie’s hand was slowly gliding up and down her stomach, could feel herself grind down again on Cassie’s thigh. “Pants—help, take them off,” Victoria, trying to hide the urgency. “Please.” Using one hand, she struggled to unhook the buttons of her own pants, her breath breaking off into a gasp when Cassie stopped sucking her nipple, lifted her, flipping her over so that her back hit the bed. Hadn’t even noticed, then, how Cassie kneeled at the edge of it.
Cassie was on her knees.
“Have you ever had sex?”
Cassie glanced up at her, and Victoria thought about pinching herself—wondered if her ears stopped working. At her feet, Cassie pressed her cheek against Victoria’s clothed thigh, watching her. Waiting. Cassie was seriously asking her this now? Victoria grunted and, even though she liked the sight below her, threw her head back and shut her eyes. She counted to ten.
“No—Cassie, you really had to ask that?”
“Masturbated?”
“Yes. No,” she exasperated, a montage of failed masturbation attempts running through her mind. It always felt too awkward. Too intense. Not enough. Much like Victoria herself. “I can never really get there—“
The feel of soft lips against her skin made her open her eyes. Admiring the way Cassie was looking at her, an overwhelming amount of fondness in her eyes.
“Sorry,” Cassie said, biting her lip to hold back a smile, pulling Victoria’s pants down slowly. “Just want to know what I’m working with. We don’t have to go so fast, sweetheart. Slow down, yeah? I don’t want to rush this.” Victoria noted, with some pride, the way Cassie’s breathing changed when she saw Victoria’s legs, her maroon underwear, discarding her clothing somewhere on the floor. She hadn’t planned this, but she’d bought a couple of new pairs; just in case. The chain dangled around her neck as she pulled Victoria’s pants off, her hands going to rest on Victoria’s thighs.
Without knowing it, she closed them, and McKay was nudging her knees apart with her hand. Shy, Victoria didn’t know what to do with herself, how to make herself appear sexy after being completely naked and vulnerable for the first time. Victoria couldn’t look at Cassie directly yet, so she watched, transfixed; her eyes memorized by the swing of Cassie’s chain. Cassie watched her, her fingers moving to her neck.
“This might get in the way.” Cassie moved to take her chain off. Victoria scrambled to put her hand on Cassie—to stop her. She pressed her thumb into Cassie’s collarbone, the dip of skin. Looked, directly, into her eyes.
“Keep it on.” She hadn’t meant to sound so demanding, but it came out rushed. “I like it.”
Cassie’s eyes sparkled, nodding as she ran her hands up and down Victoria’s thighs. Cassie slowly kissed them, up to the skin on her stomach, Cassie’s chain dragging alongside her skin—Victoria felt a tight feeling growing inside her, begging to come undone. She pulled Cassie up to her, her fingers tangling in Cassie’s hair, shivering when Victoria felt Cassie’s teeth scraping against her ear.
A moan came from her lips, and Victoria hadn’t even known she was sensitive there, remembering with full force when she’d gotten her ears pierced and the way she squirmed the entire time, an older woman’s hot breath near her ears, her neck. How she’d gone home and thought about it, on repeat—
When Victoria bucked her hips up involuntarily, Cassie stopped and looked at her.
Cassie’s chain brushed against her face, her lips.
Victoria opened her mouth in anticipation.
She let her tongue glide over the metal so she could taste—sharp, warm, a salty tang. Victoria stopped herself from sucking on it entirely, but she felt Cassie shudder above her. Could see a burning intensity in her eyes, and wanted so badly to touch in between Cassie’s legs, just to see the effect Victoria had on her.
“I’m never going to be able to wear this at work again,” Cassie rasped. “All I’ll be able to think about is how hot you looked doing that.”
“I’ve wanted to do it for months,” Victoria said with clear precision, like tasting it had relieved some of her arousal, even as her hand traveled down towards her legs just to feel what that had done to her. She, to no one’s surprise, was incredibly wet. “It’s really distracting when you’re hovering over me and all I can think about is your chain in my mouth.”
“Sorry,” Cassie murmured, giving Victoria a peck on the lips. “I had no idea.”
“Let me take this off?” Victoria whispered, thumbing the strap of Cassie’s bra. “I want to feel you on me.”
Cassie obliged, watching as Victoria began slipping her bra over her head, and Victoria had this compulsive urge. Victoria took her face in her hands and brought her down so that they were kissing, their breasts pressed against one another, skin to skin. She laughed at the look on Cassie’s face. Started to kiss her frantically, trying hard to remember the erogenous zones of the body, smirking to herself proudly as Cassie let out a sigh when Victoria kissed her neck.
Victoria took her words to heart. She slowed down, used her hands and mouth to find out what Cassie liked, what made her sensitive. By the time Victoria felt like she’d thoroughly investigated, Cassie looked at her and laughed. “You look happier than I’ve ever seen you, babe.”
“I finally get to do this,” Victoria sighed with content. Trying to experiment, she kissed Cassie’s neck one more time and gently licked a stripe up the spot she’d just kissed. Cassie stifled a moan, and Victoria couldn’t help the grin spreading across her face.
Cassie’s hand traveled and rested on Victoria’s hip bone. “Okay,” she breathed. “We’ll take it slow?”
Victoria wanted to insist on picking up the pace, but she knew by the look on Cassie’s face that it wasn’t something worth arguing about. She hadn’t expected for Cassie to look at her so intently, her hand moving down to trace her fingers against Victoria’s underwear, against the place where she was throbbing. Her mouth opened, and she felt herself twitch.
“Tell me,” Cassie muttered, her thumb swiping over Victoria’s clit through the fabric. “If it feels good.”
“Oh—“ she let out a sigh.
“Yeah?”
“Yeah.” Victoria pursed her lips. “More?”
When Victoria had done this herself, she’d only imitated what she’d seen in erotic movies, or porn online, but maybe she had been doing it wrong. She jumped straight into it, expecting herself to like it. By the time she learned about arousal and the human body in a medical context, she was too embarrassed to try it out for real.
Cassie teased her like that for a few minutes, and Victoria could feel herself getting wetter, just from the light feathery touches over her underwear. Victoria didn’t know it could feel good, really, even if Cassie wasn’t actually touching her cunt, yet.
“I didn’t know,” Victoria bit her tongue to keep the embarrassing sounds from leaving her mouth. Futile, in the end, but at least she tried. She remembered what Cassie told her. “That just this could feel good. You’re not even touching me directly?”
“It can be overwhelming,” Cassie said, pressing a kiss to her inner thigh. “At first. It’s better this way, so it doesn’t hurt you. Won’t shock the system as much.” Victoria felt herself flush at the feel of Cassie pressing a kiss to her underwear, at the wetness. “I’m going to take these off now. Okay? I’ll be gentle.”
Victoria nodded, hooking her thumbs through the garment, helping Cassie slide them off to expose her—she was fully naked, now, trying to bite down the inherent shame she felt. She’d spent the last few weeks on a rollercoaster of emotions, and her upbringing was reminding her that this was something she shouldn’t want. She pushed it down.
“God, you’re unreal,” Cassie whispered. “So beautiful.”
Victoria readjusted so that she could reach over, brushing her thumb against Cassie’s cheek. “You look really good like this.” In between Victoria’s legs, ready to fuck her. She didn’t know where the confidence came from. Cassie moved fast, like something had possessed her to do so, one hand on Victoria’s cunt—when Cassie kissed her, she pushed one finger in.
“You’re so wet.” A beat. “I can’t believe you really want me.”
Victoria snorted at that.
Victoria would have laughed if Cassie wasn’t inside her. The disbelief in her voice had almost taken her out of the sex entirely, until Victoria tensed, the sensation unfamiliar, a little uncomfortable, but the kiss helped. Cassie worked her through, slowly—deliberately. Watching Victoria, again, for any hint of discomfort or pain.
“Relax, Vic,” Cassie whispered against her mouth. “Take a deep breath with me?” Victoria inhaled, exhaled through her nose. Her body started to relax. It started to feel good, Victoria thought, as Cassie pushed in and out. She added a second finger, and Victoria sighed with it. “Good girl. How’s that feel?”
Hearing those words, seeing Cassie on top of her, Victoria felt something inside her spasm, her brain breaking. Cassie must have felt it, too, because she was looking at her like she couldn’t quite believe it. She clenched around Cassie’s fingers and moaned. The woman on top of her paused, trying to read Victoria’s face—she stopped, just keeping herself inside Victoria, waiting for her to break.
“I like…” Victoria started, making a pathetic sound as Cassie thrusted her fingers inside her again, teasing. “I like when you call me that.”
“Ah.” Cassie fucked her with her fingers as a reward. Victoria closed her eyes, the sensation just a little overwhelming, the feeling in her stomach tight and warm. “You like being my good girl?”
“Yes,” she whined in return when Cassie hit a particularly sensitive spot somewhere inside her. “Don’t stop—please.”
“Then look at me, baby.”
Something feral crossed Cassie’s face, and Victoria felt butterflies in her stomach. She had no idea she could have ever had an effect on somebody else, not like this. She prodded Victoria’s lips with her tongue, getting her to open, and they kissed, sloppily—Victoria tugged Cassie’s hair experimentally, which earned a moan. So, McKay liked a little pain. She never would have thought. Victoria knew Cassie wanted to go slow, but was growing impatient. She curled her fingers inside Victoria, urgent, like Cassie wanted to see how much Victoria could take.
“You’re doing so good, Vadi,” Cassie said. “Feel so good around my fingers.” Cassie brought Victoria forward, made Victoria watch her fingers going inside, and she felt like she was going to pass out.
“More, now.”
"Hmph. Bossy."
A whine left her mouth, as Cassie’s fingers stopped abruptly, Cassie taking herself away from Victoria—left Victoria empty and begging. Confused, Victoria was about to say something, before she realized what Cassie was doing, dragging her lips once more down the exposed skin of Victoria’s stomach, and then—
Cassie held down her thighs as she licked a stripe up against her cunt. Victoria thrashed, trying (and failing) to utter out an apology at her uncontrollable limbs, while Cassie’s tongue licked against her. Distantly, Victoria could hear herself—helpless, desperate, her fingers combing through Cassie’s hair while she panted. Warm and wet and different than anything Victoria had ever felt before, she finally understood the appeal of sex. She wondered how long she could keep Cassie down, felt her legs wrap around Cassie’s head, her back, Cassie manhandling her to get a better angle, to get deeper inside.
“Fuck, fuck, fuck—Cassie,” she moaned, feeling that heat build up inside her, like she was chasing something. An orgasm, Victoria realized, building up and ready to release. “I can’t—“ When Cassie pressed a finger inside her, flattened her tongue against Victoria’s clit, she could feel it pulsing against her mouth. Cassie moaned, and Victoria swore she could feel it traveling through her entire body.
Victoria, no longer able to hold herself up, collapsed against the bed with a cry.
Cassie, still holding her legs, not relenting even after Victoria had come. She stopped pumping her fingers, held her with her tongue pressed against her clit, letting the aftershocks ride themselves out. Cassie pressed another kiss to her thigh, then Victoria, breathless, more satisfied than she’d ever felt in her life, motioned for her.
“Come here,” she managed, her stomach twisting at the sight of her own wetness all over Cassie’s face, her lips. “Cassie.”
Cassie kissed her, long and slow, letting Victoria taste herself on her tongue—and God, Cassie had completely unraveled her, ruined her. Once she came, she angrily thought to herself: Why the hell didn’t I learn how to do this earlier? Carefully, Victoria took Cassie’s bottom lip between her teeth, and when Cassie groaned, she took it as encouragement. They made out, Victoria practically holding Cassie hostage against her, before her hands went lower, brushed against fabric.
Right. Cassie was still wearing pants. She’d never really noticed before, but Cassie had an incredible ass. She was very interested to see the rest of her. Victoria tried to imagine how Cassie felt, knowing she was practically losing her mind at the pressure and her own jeans before Cassie took them off. Cassie, however, looked unaffected. She smiled, lazily.
“How was that?” Cassie asked, tracing small circles over Victoria’s arm, down to her hip. “Did you like it?”
Victoria brought herself back up again, her eyes still on Cassie in her pants. “I want—“ Victoria started, trying to say something coherent, something intelligible. She wasn’t sure how to ask for what she wanted. A brief look of worry flashed Cassie’s face—her face dropping, a crease in between her eyebrows forming. “You still haven’t.” Victoria said, fingers ghosting down to touch Cassie’s hip, slapping herself mentally. “I want to make you feel good.”
“You don’t have to,” Cassie said, taking Victoria’s chin in her hand. “Don’t feel like I’m expecting you to. I’m perfectly happy with this. Just you and all the sweet little sounds you make.”
Victoria shook her head.
“But, I want to.”
More than anything, she was determined to make Cassie feel as good as she felt. Knew that Cassie had just given Victoria exactly what she needed, a release that was long overdue. She’d made Victoria feel so good she almost cried, and Cassie had been through hell—if Victoria could relieve her of some of it, the pain, the anger, frustration, she wanted to.
Something took over Cassie’s body, Victoria could feel her go rigid—only for a second, but she noticed. She didn’t respond, only pressed another kiss to Victoria’s lips, and Victoria was smart enough to know Cassie was trying to change the subject, trying to distract her. She tried not to let it, but her feelings took a hit. The rise and fall of her emotions, likely because of her orgasm, had her all over the place. Biting her lip, Victoria could feel tears prick at the corners of her eyes.
“You still feel bad about what we’re doing,” Victoria said, jumping to conclusions all on her own. The last word caught on a choke, and then Cassie pulled away to look at her. “You don’t want me to touch you.”
Victoria didn’t want to cry, but felt herself getting worked up. Cassie froze, pulled away completely, stopped touching her. Victoria’s head felt foggy and weird, almost the same sensation as when she’d gone on autopilot at work. She’d forgotten how to speak.
“Baby,” Cassie said, hesitantly reaching out a hand to wipe Victoria’s tears for her. “No, no, that’s not it at all. I don’t feel bad about what we did. At least, not anymore. I’m so lucky, Victoria, to have you like this.” She tenderly pressed her hand against Victoria’s cheek, her eyes searching Victoria’s face. “Sweetheart, are you here with me?” Victoria made eye contact, tried to slow down her breathing.
“I’m sorry.” Victoria sniffled, wiped at her face with the back of her hand. “I just...I don’t want you to regret this. Regret me.”
“Oh, babe,” Cassie said, her voice softening, barely above a whisper. “There’s nothing in this world that would make me regret you.” Almost, Victoria thought, like a confession. “Stupid,” she muttered to herself. “I should have prepared for this.”
Victoria was so easy to see through that Cassie had prepared for this. Somehow, it made her feel even worse. She didn’t have the energy to hold herself up anymore. Victoria felt herself zoning out completely.
“I’m stupid,” she repeated, her voice small. “Stupid.”
“Victoria? Vic, you’re not stupid. Listen—sometimes, people feel like this, after they have sex—“ Cassie gestured between them. “The high is over, the low comes, and you drop. It’s okay, it’s normal. Let me get you some water, and we can just stay in bed, for a while?” Her eyes must have widened at that out of fear, because Cassie reassured her. “I’ll be right back, I promise. I’m not leaving you, Victoria.” She wasn’t left alone for long, Cassie rushing to her side, urging her to drink. The water—cold, a shock to the system, it tasted a bit fizzy. Electrolytes, probably, only because she knew Cassie kept a box of them in her pantry. It made Victoria feel like her brain was rebooting again. Sitting there, Cassie’s arm around her, holding her, Victoria slowly came back to herself.
“I’m sorry,” she said again, clearly. “I ruined the whole mood, didn’t I?” Her eyes traced down Cassie’s figure again.
“No,” Cassie said, pressing a kiss to her cheek. “You’re incredible. I wasn’t thinking, this kind of thing happens.”
“You’re not mad?”
“Of course not.”
"You still want me?”
“Yes, sweetheart, I want you. So much. It’s kind of ridiculous how much I do.” Nodding, letting the words soak into her skin, Victoria finally smiled. “I just don’t want to rush you,” Cassie started. “When I brought you home, I never expected anything in return. It’s your first time, I didn’t want you to feel pressured to. It’s not because I don’t want you to.” Cassie took Victoria’s hand, pressed it against her chest, her heartbeat thrumming wildly underneath Victoria’s fingertips.
The fog in Victoria’s head cleared.
“McKay,” she murmured, not looking at her, afraid she’d lose her nerve. “Please, let me? I want to. You made me feel so good. I want to do that for you.”
Victoria watched the strain in her throat as she swallowed. “Vadi, okay, look at me?” Victoria obeyed, and felt the tension between the two of them. “Are you sure?” Again, that same look on her face, like Victoria was kind of a little bit insane, for wanting Cassie McKay of all people. Victoria briefly thought—Cassie was self conscious, nervous in her own right. But, now, after Cassie had treated her so well, taken care of her in a way she never knew she needed, Victoria wanted nothing more than to make Cassie fall apart.
“I want to, so bad,” Victoria admitted. “I might go crazy if you don’t let me do this.” Her fingers inched towards Cassie’s pants, her mouth hovering over Cassie’s ear. “I feel better, I promise.”
Cassie laughed, and the tension was gone—she pulled Victoria in again. “Okay, okay. Whatever you want, baby. How could I say no to you?”
Victoria tried not to let her excitement and lack of experience show too much as Cassie began unbuttoning her pants, Victoria’s fingers eager to get through her belt loops, tugging her pants down, off her legs. Letting Cassie lay against the bed, open and waiting.
“What do you want me to do?” Victoria asked, and Cassie smiled endearingly.
“Dealer’s choice. Whatever you think is easiest. I’ll help you. And, babe, if it’s too much, if I get too rough—anything—you stop and tell me immediately. I don’t want to get carried away.” Before she could psych herself out, Victoria used her hand to cup Cassie’s cunt through the material, which earned her a few stuttered, shocked breaths in return.
“Get carried away,” Victoria ordered, under her breath, her excitement making her fingers shake as she finally got those damn pants off, and her eyes caught sight of the wetness on Cassie’s black boxers. She mimicked what Cassie did to her before, almost like she couldn’t wait for Cassie to take them off completely, kissed the top of her boxers, which made Cassie twitch. After a few seconds, Victoria decided she’d had enough, pulled down her boxers to expose her, her mouth going dry at the thought of finally getting to do this with her, at the sight of Cassie wearing nothing but that pretty chain.
“I like how you look,” Victoria said, jutting out her lower lip. “When I’m about to fuck you.”
“Jesus Christ.”
Victoria opened her mouth, thought she probably looked stupid, one hand holding Cassie’s legs open. “Like this?” she asked, to which Cassie nodded, and Victoria used her thumb to rub against Cassie’s cunt, her clit. She was so wet, soaked, it made Victoria feel a swell of pride. She was the reason for it. Then, holding her open, Victoria pressed her tongue against her—surprised by the taste, but not deterred. She sighed, and Cassie did the same.
“Fuck,” she whispered. “Victoria.”
Victoria felt a hot sensation shooting through her again. She looked up at Cassie. “Use my mouth,” she said. “Show me what to do.”
Victoria reached out for Cassie’s hand, pressed it against her own skull, hoping Cassie would catch on to what Victoria wanted her to do. Hesitant, Cassie threaded her fingers through Victoria’s hair, showing her exactly where Cassie wanted her. Victoria licked at that exact spot, felt Cassie’s thigh trembling as she took control, using Victoria for her own pleasure.
“Good girl,” Cassie said, the praise making Victoria lose all control as her tongue brushed against Cassie’s clit, feeling Cassie grinding down on her face. “Ah, yeah. Right there. You’re—“ Cassie threw her head back at a swipe of Victoria’s tongue. Cassie, eager, reached out to intertwine her fingers with Victoria’s. “Such a pretty girl,” she mumbled. “Fuck. That feels good.” McKay the one now making all kinds of sounds, sweet and addicting—quick sharp breaths, little moans.
Victoria fell apart within a few minutes, but it took Cassie longer, which she didn’t mind—following Cassie’s example and pressing her tongue flat against her clit, feeling the pulses as she came with a moan, repeating Victoria’s name until she couldn’t anymore. Victoria waited, before moving and taking a deep breath.
“Was I good?” Victoria asked, fishing for more praise. Even more than that, she thought about asking Cassie to score her performance. In the future, when they did this again, Victoria would do it until she knew exactly what made Cassie break, until she was perfect.
Cassie smiled, tugged Victoria on top of her, kissing the side of her mouth.
“You were better than good,” she said. “Perfect.” Her face dropped, but Victoria couldn’t possibly understand why. “Thank you.” She went quiet for a few minutes, contemplating.
It unnerved her, only for a second, to hear those words come out of McKay’s mouth. The words her mother often dangled above her head, the ones she always strived to reach—the words she’d been chasing her entire life. To be better than good meant that Victoria made it. Made her life mean something. She wondered if McKay remembered Victoria telling her that, a lifetime ago. By her demeanor, Victoria thought, maybe—maybe Cassie said those words on purpose. Victoria didn’t ask, didn’t want to gross her out by bringing up her mom in the moment—though her brain thought about what Eileen Shamsi might think of Victoria in bed with a woman twenty years older than her. All of the tension released from her body. McKay was with her, telling her those words without Victoria having to destroy herself to earn them.
Victoria beamed, laughed as Cassie hoisted her back up again. Dazed, and happy, she wrapped her arms around Cassie’s neck. The afterglow, the warmth, made her feel tired. Her body, sore in the best way.
“You’re gorgeous,” Victoria whispered, because it felt right. That earned Victoria a laugh, a slight blush to Cassie’s cheeks. “Does…Do you drop like that, too?” Victoria asked as Cassie took her hand. She didn’t know what to look for, but asked purely out of her own curiosity. “Are you alright?”
Cassie sighed, but it was more out of satisfaction than anything else, based on the look on her face. “Sometimes, yeah, but not now. Right now, I’m just happy. I get to be here with the girl that’s been driving me crazy for so damn long.” She placed a soft kiss on Victoria's temple.
“Oh yeah?” Grinning, she couldn’t help herself. “Tell me about her.”
“You want to be here all night?” Cassie joked. “Victoria, you don’t know how strong you are. How long I’ve spent just watching you, trying to figure you out, and seeing this person who is so capable of anything? It’s incredible. You’re incredible. I firmly believe in my heart that even if you don’t want to be a doctor, you’d excel at anything. You work so damn hard.”
“Oh,” she said, unable to stop the way her heart jumped. “Oh, I didn’t know…” She swallowed down something heavy in her throat. “You make me feel so happy—“ Victoria wanted to get the words out. She thought she might cry if she did, so she just went silent, but she was smiling to let Cassie know she wasn’t upset. To hear someone acknowledge her in such a way rattled her. It only meant so much more coming from Cassie.
“It’s okay,” Cassie whispered. “I’ll hold you.”
When Victoria regained the ability to speak, Cassie was holding her against her chest.
“You know, I had a dream like this once,” she said, the weight growing heavier on her eyelids. “You holding me. When we wake up…” Victoria wanted to suggest that she watch Cassie braid her hair, but she was too tired.
“Yeah?” Cassie asked with such fondness in her voice it nearly made Victoria want to cry again. “You dream about me?”
“A lot,” she replied. “I hope this isn’t just a dream.”
Cassie kissed her, once more, on the forehead. Pleased, Victoria made a sound, not having energy for much else.
“You tired, babe?” Cassie whispered, petting Victoria’s hair. Through half-lidded eyes, Victoria shook her head slowly. “Yeah, not tired at all,” Cassie snorted. “It’s okay. Let’s get some sleep, alright?” She pulled the blanket over the two of them, and Victoria snuggled closer into the crook of Cassie’s neck.
“Not tired,” Victoria mumbled, not even bothering to open her eyes. Still, she let herself smile, like she knew Cassie was right.
“Yeah,” Cassie exaggerated a yawn, which made Victoria giggle. “Tomorrow, I’ll make you breakfast. Whatever you want.”
“Mm. Pancakes?”
“Sure. Pancakes.”
“Okay. Let’s go to bed.” Victoria nodded, felt herself doze off, refusing to let Cassie go, her fingers rubbing the chain, the motions helping her sleep. Knowing that in the morning, McKay would still be there to hold her.