Chapter Text
“I do not want to fight this anymore
I just want to lay back and watch you pin me to the bed
I used to call you my best friend way back before you were my everything”
-“Ode to a Conversation Stuck in Your Throat” by Del Water Gap
It hadn’t hit him yesterday during fittings and run-through just exactly what Minghao’s goal had been, but as last minute details and accessories, hair and makeup were completed on Jeonghan’s look, staring at Joshua’s reflection in the mirror as he went through the same process, powdered and painted for stage for the first time in years - it all came together. They were dressed in a matching set, reminiscent of Minghao and Junhui’s wedding outfits, but in colors more suited to the two of them. Jeonghan’s was all white, silver, and light blue, the style a mix of traditional Chinese and Korean styles, but coming together to represent an avante garde version of a Biblical angel, complete with beaded eye motifs and feathers. It was beautiful, contrasted perfectly with Joshua’s fallen angel look in warmer colors, cream, gold, and light green, the fabric one one side designed to look like the melted wax of Icarus’ wing. It suited him, even if Jeonghan thought their roles should have been reversed.
They hadn’t spoken since last night.
Jeonghan had awoken to an empty bed and a text saying Joshua had gone to breakfast early with Seokmin and Soonyoung. It probably should have hurt more than it did, with how he still could feel the weight of Joshua on his tongue no matter how hard he had scrubbed it with his toothbrush. But instead, despite everything, the pessimistic voice in his head was so exhausted from constantly sprinting in its hamster wheel that it was blissfully quiet for once. Maybe he was finally so worn down, sea glass rubbed smooth with friction, that he had reached indifference.
Joshua caught him staring and gave him what Jeonghan could only describe as an apologetically pleading smile. Please understand why I couldn’t talk about it the line between his eyebrows screamed before being flattened gently with a makeup brush that Jeonghan’s thumb found itself envying.
Soon, they were crowded together, about to line up for final inspection.
“Ten minutes 'till showtime! Ten minutes!” One of Minghao’s assistants called to the room, everyone buzzing around, bees with a purpose, wings clashing in their haste in the small confines of the hallway behind the stage.
There was a sudden grip on Jeonghan’s arm, Joshua catching him completely off guard, face white, clammy enough to send his makeup artist into a full blown conniption, had she seen it.
“Hannie, I don’t know if I can do it.” He was breathing shallowly, panic stricken.
Jeonghan pulled him to the side, a little alcove made of clothing racks, hands on his shoulder, thumbs tracing the sides of his neck rhythmically, in time with how his breaths should be coming in. “Hey, just breathe,” he instructed. He was nervous himself, but he’d been in the public eye for the last four years, unlike Joshua. “C’mon, jagi, you’re going to be fine, just deep breaths.”
The pet name slipped out, but it seemed to shock Joshua out of it well enough. If they weren’t made up and dressed for the stage, he’d have pulled him to the floor and into his lap. But he couldn’t do that right now, so he stuck to modeling his own breathing, feather-light strokes on the sides of his neck, holding Joshua’s eyes as the younger came back to his body.
“You’re going to be fine, they’re going to love you, promise. You can do this for Minghao, I know you can.” Jeonghan promised him.
Joshua’s breathing regulated at last, color returning to his cheeks, “Thank you, hyung.”
Jeonghan’s breath betrayed him that time. It had been so long since he’d heard Joshua call him that. He caught it as it floated in the air, tucked it into his pocket for safekeeping. “Of course. Wouldn’t say it if it wasn’t true.” He promised, remaining far more composed than he felt. “If you mess up, I’ll just copy it so it looks purposeful.”
Joshua rolled his eyes, feline smile returning to his face, “Shut up.”
“Jesus fuck!” Minghao’s voice shook them out of it, “Thought I lost you two. Two minutes, let's go.”
“Aish, someone didn’t meditate today.” Jeonghan jabbed as he was led to his spot in the lineup.
Minghao gave him a deadly, deceptively neutral look, “You don’t want to know what might have happened if I hadn’t meditated, actually.”
“Love you too, Myungho.” Joshua chirped, saccharine.
Joshua did perfectly, of course. They all did, even if Soonyoung insisted on throwing up a tiger paw at the end of the runway despite Minghao’s pleas for him to “under no circumstances” do that.
“He said I couldn’t horanghae everyone, and I didn’t say it, in my defense. Shoulda been more specific.” Soonyoung grinned as he walked by, getting back in line for the finale, all too proud of himself for his stupid loophole. Minghao just laughed and Jeonghan understood that he’d probably said not to do it on purpose, knowing Soonyoung couldn’t help but show a little bit of Hoshi on stage.
The music for the show was composed and produced by Minghao as well, mostly ambient electronic and techno, but he’d weaved a little easter egg into the final track, they realized as the thirteen of them made it to the end of the stage, Minghao following behind like designers were supposed to, the bassline warping into something familiar as they grasped hands for their bow.
They were getting Aju Nice- ed.
The twelve of them turned to Minghao, waiting for permission. He nodded, encouraging them to do what was in their blood.
The audience was on their feet, cameras crowding around the stage as they sang at the top of their lungs with no mics, the runway holding steady under their feet as they abused it without a care in the world.
By the fourth or fifth aju nice, Jeonghan moved back on the runway, sitting gingerly in his carefully tailored look, happy to watch his more energetic friends carry strong. Seungcheol joined him soon, rubbing his knee as he sat down, watching Jeonghan watch Joshua, a biologist observing his subject with all the fondness that only years of studying could produce.
“Jeonghan.” Seungcheol nudged him with his shoulder, “Don’t you think it’s about time?”
Jeonghan knew he was right. Fuck. He hated that he was right.
He sighed, finally accepting his fate, “I know it is, Coups-ah.”
“Good.” Seungcheol nodded, “You deserve an answer. Even if it’s no.” He hooked their pinkies together affectionately, “But I really don’t think it will be.”
Jeonghan had no reason not to trust Seungcheol’s perspective. The man had his flaws - mainly the anger issues that he had eventually grown out of - but when it came to things like this, Jeonghan had learned long ago to trust him with his life.
Soonyoung and Chan ran over, pulling them back to their feet for the final aju nice, and much like their old antics of faking out the finale of their concerts, Jeonghan finally felt like this wasn’t truly the end for him.
Resolving and acting were completely different beasts, though. The afterparty raged strong and Jeonghan found himself being pulled around by friends, acquaintances, fans, to different areas of Jackson Wang’s penthouse, crochet hook weaving him through the crowd, leaving him without much agency in the matter. He was far too sober for this and despite sipping on water and soda all night, he found himself increasingly parched, dehydrated in his need to speak to Joshua. He’d seen him around from time to time, catching glimpses here and there, wine glass in hand, barely decreasing in volume as the night went on, to the point where Jeonghan pieced it together that it was the same glass. Joshua wasn’t drinking either. Good.
The next time he caught sight of him, he was cornered by two girls he vaguely recognized from the front row of the fashion show, one of them brazenly reaching her hand out to touch his bicep as she leaned forward in laughter. Joshua wasn’t even that funny unless it was accidentally or very unexpectedly on purpose. The sight turned his stomach and he was about to skulk off until he felt Joshua’s eyes on him, pleading.
Oh. Well that, Jeonghan thought, was a neon sign from heaven if he’d ever seen one.
He rolled his shoulders back and stalked over, vision going black at the edges, sights set.
“Joshua, your mom just called, have you not looked at your phone? It’s your grandpa. The lung cancer finally got him.” Jeonghan announced to the group, grabbing Joshua by the wrist before the girls could protest.
“Oh no!” Joshua fake wailed, “I promise I’ll never smoke a cigarette again, grandpa!”
They didn’t stop moving, fighting against the current of bodies, but Jeonghan plowed ahead until they reached the kitchen.
Joshua was laughing so hard he had to put his wine glass down. “Fuck, sorry.” He gasped, “They were about to ask me for a threesome, I think. Thank you.”
“Don’t thank me.” Jeonghan deadpanned, “Thank your dear grandpa for finally getting you to kick that nasty habit.”
Joshua’s face melted slowly into a serene smile as he moved into Jeonghan’s space, “Jeonghan.” His eyes flitted across Jeonghan’s face. A habit Jeonghan was trying to get used to, “Take me home?”
Jeonghan nodded, reaching slowly across the small gap to grasp Joshua’s hand, “We have a funeral to help plan.”
The energy in the cab was different this time. Their hands stayed clasped the whole time, electricity sparking between them. Their nerves were frayed, but their neurotransmitters didn’t reuptake any of the endorphins that flowed freely through the atmosphere.
Their hands stayed clasped all the way upstairs, only breaking to lay blazers over the backs of the barstools at the island in Jeonghan’s kitchen.
They met in the middle, two magnets finally turned the right way around. Joshua’s mouth was frantic on his, taking mercilessly. It was amazing, it had Jeonghan sighing, toes curling into the rug, pressing their bodies so close, leaving nothing to the imagination.
But it wasn’t right.
Jeonghan pulled back, “Joshua, stop. We can’t.”
Joshua’s face fell, “I thought you wanted this?”
Jeonghan squeezed his hip where it was still positioned in his hand, “Of course I want this, but-”
“There can’t be a ‘but’, Han.” Joshua backed up, turning on his heel and heading towards his room. “You either want this or you don’t.”
Jeonghan felt the frustration bubble under his skin, making the tip of his nose tickle. He heard the door to the room Joshua was staying in close a little harshly. He had half a mind to take that as his answer, tuck his tail between his legs and go lick his wounds. But there was one thing Yoon Jeonghan was, down to his very core, was a needling, incessant nuisance.
He got a glass down out of his very sparse cabinet - always too much space, a cry for help symbolizing his own loneliness if there ever was one - filled it with tap water, took a few sips. Just as he suspected. Lack of water wasn’t the reason for his dehydration.
His back hit the cold wood of Joshua’s door.
“Shua.” He called, only loud enough to where he knew he would be heard. No answer, but he heard the sound of Joshua mirroring him on the other side of the door. “Aren’t you tired, Joshua? I’m tired. I’m so fucking tired.” He huffed a humorless laugh.
“Tired of what?” Joshua sniped, or tried to, but Jeonghan knew him well enough to know when his tone held no real venom.
“Tired of holding myself together. Holding it all in.” He sighed, the truth of his own words hitting him in real time, “The super glue keeps wearing off and it won’t stick anymore and I just keep chipping away and I’m scared if something doesn’t change, I’m going to crumble completely.” His face was warm and it took him far too long to realize he was finally crying, voice growing thick with refuse from turning on a machine that had been collecting dust for far too long, “I can’t do it, Josh.” No answer. “Jisoo-yah.” He pleaded, quieter that time, voice too close to a sob for his comfort.
The doorknob turned behind him and he stood up just in time to avoid falling backwards through the doorway.
Joshua had been crying, too, the red tip of his nose giving him away. He reached out tentatively before finally letting his hand rest on Jeonghan’s cheek before pulling him into his chest, “Oh, Han-ah.” Warm hands stroked his back and the consolation only made Jeonghan cry harder, “Porcelain isn’t supposed to be repaired with glue, don’t you know? It’s supposed to be sautered together with lacquer, dusted metallic. Highlight all the cracks, becoming part of its beauty.” He pulled back, hand back on Jeonghan’s cheek, the other pushing his hair back off his forehead before tipping his own to meet it, sharing the same breath, “I would do it, if you’d let me, Jeonghan. Fill you with liquid gold.” He kissed the tear running down his cheek, “Show everyone how your flaws only serve to make you shine.”
Jeonghan could already feel something long neglected inside of him start to repair, “Joshua-”
“Even if I don’t think you need repaired at all.” Joshua finished, “You’ve always been perfect, Jeonghan.”
“I was so scared we’d never get here.” Jeonghan admitted, voice still shaking, “I’ve wanted you for so long.”
“I’ve been yours the whole time.” Joshua admitted before leaning in and finally letting their lips meet. Gentle this time. Bee landing on a flower petal. Slow. Time dripped like honey between their lips, sweet, getting full on the fruits of their labor.
They made their way into Joshua’s room, hands a little too eager as they stripped each other bare, shaking at the newness, the clouded anticipation finally having brewed into a storm, thunder rumbling in their chests, lightning striking everywhere their skin touched.
Jeonghan used his mouth like a wax seal across the expanse of Joshua’s skin as he laid him out on the bed, hot, marking what was his, stamping it into his skin.
They rocked their hips together in perfect time, precum making things messy, but the slide was heaven. Jeonghan wouldn’t have minded getting off like this again any other time, now that there were more times to be had in his future, but not this time.
“Jeonghan, baby,” Joshua read his mind, pulling away with swollen lips, pupils blown into black voids. “Fuck me. Please.” Jeonghan dove headfirst into the abyss.
Jeonghan giggled, having expected it to be the other way around, “Oh.” He said, so very intelligently, “Yes. Yeah. Let me go grab-”
“Skip the condom.” Joshua requested as Jeonghan clambered to the bedside table (that he kept stocked in case any of his disgusting horn dog couple friends stayed over for whatever reason. Better than having them knock on his bedroom door in the middle of the night, which he knew none of them were above doing) and he knew then just how serious it was, what with what a borderline germaphobe Joshua was. “I mean, if you want. I’m clean.”
Jeonghan nearly dropped lube on his way back over, suddenly struck with how fucking immaculately gorgeous Joshua was, all spread out and wanting on the bed. He reached up and tugged Joshua by the ankles so he was closer to the edge of the bed, kissing up his thighs before answering as he squirted lube onto his fingers, “Joshua.” He stared him down to make sure he was truly understanding just how sincere he was, “I want .”
Three fingers deep and red roses blooming along the inside of his thighs, Jeonghan had the tune of the mellifluous noises Joshua made while being opened up by his hands nearly memorized.
“Jeonghan-” Joshua’s back arched off the bed as Jeonghan’s fingers stroked his prostate, “Fuck, jagiya, I’m ready, please.”
“Please what?” Jeonghan smiled, feigning innocence before moving the hand that was pinning Joshua’s hips to the bed to his perfect cock, dipping the tip into his mouth, “Use your words.”
“Ahh-” Joshua tried to squirm out of his grip, “Hannie, I’m gonna cum too fast if you don’t stop. Want you inside.” He waited until Jeonghan let his cock slide out of his mouth to continue, “Please, fuck me.”
“Hmm,” Jeonghan hummed, pleased with the little sweet revenge he’d gotten on Joshua from last night, pulling his fingers out slowly, completely endeared at how Joshua pouted at their absence. He slicked his aching cock with lube after situating a pillow under Joshua’s hips because he was nice. And in love. So hopelessly in love. He only teased the head of his dick over Joshua’s hole for a second before he could no longer justify making himself wait any longer, his desire overcoming his delight in seeing Joshua red cheeked and nearly begging for him.
“Oh-” Joshua gasped as Jeonghan pushed inside at last, “Jeonghan-”
Jeonghan tipped forward as he bottomed out, sucked so easily into Joshua’s perfect heat, “Ah, yeobo-”
It was mostly unintentional, and maybe he should have been more considerate of Joshua’s past, but the way he clenched at the sound of the word confirmed the risk as being worth the reward.
“Move, baby. Please.” Joshua requested in a whisper, wrapping his legs around Jeonghan’s waist.
Jeonghan leaned in to kiss him before starting to move his hips languidly, hoping every thrust conveyed the message he was trying to send.
“Jeonghan-” Joshua prayed, meeting his movements, “Hannie.” His breath stuttered as Jeonghan instinctively picked up the pace, “Angel. My angel.” Joshua drank down the noises that spilled from Jeonghan’s mouth, “You are, aren’t you? Mine.”
“Yes, fuck. Yes, Joshua.” His hips stuttered, and he knew they were both close. “Always.”
The rest was implied. Always have been, always would be.
They were a matching set, after all.
They came in tandem, to prove the point, Jeonghan’s hand around Joshua’s cock, painting his stomach white on the outside as Jeonghan painted it on the inside.
“I love you.” Jeonghan breathed into Joshua’s sweaty neck, licking a bead of it because he’d grown fond of the taste in a very short span of time.
Joshua giggled, and Jeonghan licked at that, too, hungry for all of Joshua. “I love you, too.” Joshua murmured into his mouth. A secret for just the two of them.
“Thank fucking god.” Jeonghan sighed as he pulled out slowly.
“I’ll pass the message along.” Joshua chuckled, the sound getting cut off as Jeonghan impulsively reached down to fuck the cum spilling out of him back in with his fingers, “Han-ah!”
Jeonghan knew he was trying to sound offended, but the way his eyes rolled back in his head, he knew it was all a front, “I should go get a plug. Gotta make sure this catches.”
Joshua clenched at the mention of it.
“Oh?” Jeonghan laughed a little maniacally, “Well that’s something we’ll have to explore.”
“Shut up.” Joshua whined, arm coming up to cover his face in embarrassment.
“Shuji, I’m like completely depraved and disgusting. Please don’t be embarrassed. About anything. I want it all.” He pulled his fingers out and led Joshua to the bathroom before the man could protest.
“Hannie.” Joshua hummed as Jeonghan washed his hair for him, “Move to LA with me.”
Jeonghan sputtered, but Joshua cut him off again, “Wait, just hear me out. Hybe has a location there. I think your show would do well in the states, what with how globalized things are getting.”
Jeonghan waited until the suds were rinsed out of Joshua’s hair before he spoke again, “Actually, I was thinking I might retire from the spotlight.” He confessed, the first time he’d said it aloud.
“Oh, sweetheart.” Joshua kissed him a little too enthusiastically, their teeth clacking together, shower water tasting funny between their lips. “I think that’s wonderful. You deserve it, baby.”
“I could do that. In LA. If you’re serious.” Jeonghan blushed, embarrassed (for no reason) that someone could be so serious about him.
“Yes!” Joshua squeezed his arms a little too tight in his excitement, “Yes, please. I’m so serious. I’ve missed you so much, angel. How can it even call itself the city of angels without you there? Blasphemy.”
Jeonghan rolled his eyes. Fond, fond, fond. So fucking fond. “I’ve missed you too, you dork.” He stole a quick kiss just because he could, “It will take a few months to wrap things up-”
“Take all the time you need.” Joshua’s eyes nearly disappeared behind his cheeks with his smile, “I’m just so glad you’re coming home with me. It hasn’t felt like home without you around.”
Jeonghan shut off the water and wrapped Joshua’s still-stupidly-well-muscled body in a fluffy towel like the gift he was, “Here, either, Shua. I think the problem is that you’re my home.” He added, voice almost a whisper at the admission. All it earned him was getting swept up in Joshua’s arms and carried to his own bed this time, their mess in the guest room could wait for tomorrow.
They were sleepy but still too wired on each other to sleep immediately, staying up, talking quietly and tracing patterns on each other's bodies and kissing all night until they had to go get water with how dry their mouths had gone.
“Wanna know something crazy?” Jeonghan asked, admiring the reflection of the sunrise in Joshua’s eyes, “I was so lost there for a while right after you moved that I went to a cathedral and prayed. Like several times.”
Joshua laughed but it wasn’t mean or pitying, “Aw, sweetheart. I’m sorry.” Jeonghan shook his head, declining his offer to be sorry and Joshua continued, “Hear anything from the big guy?”
“No, pretty much radio silence.”
“Hm, well he was pretty talkative on my end. Probably just got us mixed up. Honest mistake. I’m sure our souls are made of the same substance.”
Jeonghan thought his words were too pretty to be said so casually, but he didn’t dare bring it up because if he brought attention to it, Joshua would always be self-conscious in the future if he were to think of saying something as similarly beautiful. Instead, he observed, “Doesn’t that contradict half the stuff you guys claim about the guy? He’s supposed to be perfect, I thought.”
“Ah, now you’re getting it, Hannie. People choose to believe, despite the contradictions. It’s a little romantic, no?”
“What would you know about romance, Joshua Hong?” Jeonghan teased.
“I’m learning, Yoon Jeonghan.” He sighed, turning over towards Jeonghan so they were face to face again. Jeonghan could still smell the mint on his breath. “You’re worth learning for.”
They kissed again, the heat of it quickly turning up to a simmer. Joshua rolled over wordlessly, grinding back on Jeonghan as he reached back into his side table for lube. Joshua was still prepped from earlier, and Jeonghan nipped at his shoulder as Joshua raised his knee so that he could sink in once more. It was slow and quiet that time, less desperate, but there was something lovely about that, too. They took their time, hips rolling together until Joshua spilled over Jeonghan’s hand with a broken cry of his name. Jeonghan dipped his fingers into Joshua’s mouth and came as he felt Joshua suck them, clenching and overstimulated.
Jeonghan cleaned him with careful hands and a warm washcloth that time and they finally let sleep pull them under. Legs tangled together, seaweed on the ocean floor.
One Year Later
“Why are you blinking at me like that?” Joshua poked his cheek from the seat beside him in the airplane headed from LA back to Seoul, headed back into town for the premiere of Junhui’s biggest move to date. This year, Jihoon had invited all of them to stay at his house, which was far too large than it had any right to be. He admitted privately to Jeonghan that he bought it because he liked the idea of the members visiting more often, and Jeonghan, for once, agreed not to rat him out.
“Hard to stare directly at the sun, Jisoo-yah.” Jeonghan made it sound like a joke, but it’s how he felt about his fiance.
Joshua melted at the words, “I’ve always thought of you as the sun, Jeonghan. I only glow because you shine on me.”
Ah, Jeonghan was so glad he never reacted the way he should to Joshua’s prettiest sentiments. “Hm, but I can’t call you ‘my moon’ because I’ll just think of Junhui.” Jeonghan thought about it for a second, “Wait, do you think Junnie and Hao would be open-minded, maybe we should-”
“Don’t you dare finish that thought, Yoon Jeonghan.” Joshua warned, his eyes just as possessive as his words, “You’re mine. Only mine.”
Jeonghan leaned over, head resting on Joshua’s shoulder, “Wouldn’t have it any other way, my love.”
The baker’s dozen were comfortably lazing on Jihoon’s living room furniture, tipsy from drinking games, hearts as full as their bellies.
Joshua was nearly asleep in Jeonghan’s lap, and Jeonghan only encouraged it with a steady hand playing with his hair.
“Okay, now see, this,” Junhui gestured to where Jeonghan and Joshua were curled on the couch together, “This is an argument for destroying Pinocchio being murder rather than vandalism that I can get behind.”
Joshua blinked his eyes open, sitting up to look at him incredulously and Jeonghan spoke what he knew Joshua was thinking aloud, “Did you just call us wooden puppets, Junnie?”
“No!” Junhui cackled, “No, you were wooden puppets, now you're real boys and if I killed you, it would totally feel like murder.”
Joshua glanced over at Minghao, “Chances that your husband murders us tonight?”
Minghao smiled at his husband fondly, “You want help, baby?”
Junhui answers in a fit of maniacal laughter. Vernon looks at Joshua and says in English, “Can't believe anyone ever thought either of you two were the ‘normal’ ones.”
Joshua laughed, “Not a single one of us is normal.”
Jeonghan sighed contentedly, “Ah, but we are now aren’t we? I like normal.”
Seungcheol smiles at him from across the room, “It suits you, Hannie.”
Joshua grins up at him, stars shining in his eyes. Even if the luster had dulled in the eyes of the world at large towards Jeonghan, Joshua’s never did, “It does, doesn’t it?”
“If Jun doesn’t murder them, I’m going to.” Mingyu stage whispered to Wonwoo.
“I’ll help you, baby.” Wonwoo answered, kissing Mingyu’s cheek.
Seokmin and Soonyoung leaned over into their space, “What are we whispering about?” They asked, eerily in sync. Everyone probably should have seen that coming a lot sooner, now that Jeonghan thought about it.
“Please do not involve me, I won’t do well in jail!” Seungkwan starts to genuinely panic, soothed only by Vernon’s reassurance.
“No one is doing any murdering.” Jihoon put his foot down, “Not at my house.” He thought about it, “Unless it’s me doing the murdering, then that’s fine.”
“No fair!” Chan huffed, crossing his arms and pouting. He and Jihoon still thought no one could tell they had been fucking in secret for a while now. Maybe their group had turned out to be more borderline incestuous than it probably should have. Oh well. Proximity and all that.
Jeonghan misses their glory days sometimes. Impossible not to. But this… This was just as meaningful to him. Better, in a lot of ways. Namely that he finally had what he’d always wanted, a quiet, sunny existence with the love of his life, surrounded by his best friends in the whole world.
He wouldn’t change it for anything.