Chapter Text
Mark blinks awake. As he becomes aware of his surroundings, he realizes he has his arms wrapped around Cesar again. Before he can make a knee jerk reaction of jolting away, he remembers how personally Cesar took it last time and decided to just slowly disentangle himself.
He waits for Cesar to make a comment or a snide remark that he’s picked up doing recently but nothing happens. Mark looks up to Cesar’s face and sees that his eyes are closed. Confused, Mark sits up, thinking moving a bit more would wake Cesar up. Is he even asleep? Is he just resting? Are alternates even capable of sleeping?
“Cesar?” Mark says, tentatively.
Cesar surprisingly reacts to Mark despite how quietly he said his name. He groans a bit before bringing one of his hands to his face and sitting up.
“Why do I feel like shit?” he mumbles.
“Were you asleep?” Mark asks.
This seems to snap Cesar out of his haze.
“I… I think so?”
“So you didn’t realize I was hugging you?”
Cesar’s eyes widen slightly.
“I guess I really was asleep…”
Mark ignores the fact that he seems disappointed in favor of trying to reason why he fell asleep. What changed? Why now? Is he just really getting better at becoming a human?
Mark glances at Cesar who’s rubbing his eyes in a disgruntled fashion.
“Does waking up feel like shit every time?”
Can Mark take advantage of this?
-
“Why are you giving this to me?” Sarah asks as she turns the small cross necklace around in her hands.
Mark side eyes her from his position beside her on the couch. She meets his gaze and they have a small staring contest before Mark relents.
“Well you know I never wear this anyway, I think you would put it more to use,” Mark said.
Sarah seems as if she wants to say something but Cesar struts in at that exact moment.
“You’re here again?” Sarah says as she looks at him disdainfully.
Mark whips around to watch as Cesar calmly sits on the arm of the couch beside him. “Didn’t I tell you to stay put?”
“Hi Sarah,” Cesar says.
“Hey.”
Mark huffs at being ignored but decides to sit back and sulk.
“Why are you all dressed up like that?” Sarah asks Cesar, “Are you going somewhere later?”
“No, I’m staying here.”
Sarah keeps looking at him expectantly and he looks back at her. She sighs.
“But like, why are you wearing that then?” she asks, slightly irritated.
“Why can’t I?” Cesar asks, looking slightly irked as well. “You two are both unsupportive of me expressing myself in a way that’s true to m-”
“Alright, alright,” Sarah brings her hand up to her forehead. “Whatever man, do whatever the hell you want. Whatever.”
Mark stares at Cesar a little judgementally. Where did he learn to bullshit like that? Cesar catches his eye and smirks at him. Mark throws back a look of what he hopes to be disgust.
“Nice rose though, where'd you get it?” Sarah asks.
Cesar puffs his chest out proudly. “Mark bought it for me.”
“Oh.” Sarah rolls her eyes. “Of course.”
Mark decides to interject before Sarah can cook up any snarky comments.
“Hey Cesar can you go back for like five more minutes at least? I need to discuss a few more things with Sarah,” Mark says. He usually would let a conversation like this between him and Sarah go but he can’t afford to have any loose ends at this point in time.
Cesar sighs dramatically. “Alright, but I’m coming back in five minutes sharp,” he says as he stands up and points at Mark. Mark watches him walk away knowing he’ll spend those five minutes staring at the clock.
Turning back to Sarah, Mark sees her staring at him curiously. It is very unlike him to be so intent on talking.
“Um, please don’t let mom and dad know I gave this to you,” Mark says uneasily, “They’ll kill me.”
Sarah raises an eyebrow at him. “Well yeah, they gave this to you specifically ‘cause you’re the first born and all. It’s weird to give something like this away, even if it’s to me.”
“It never really meant much to me anyway,” Mark says quietly.
A silence falls between them. This is something only the two of them will ever understand. They don’t talk about it often because there’s no point. But sometimes it’s reassuring to acknowledge.
“I’m glad you’re feeling better now, though,” Sarah changes the subject.
“I… I am?” Mark asks, not even entirely sure of the answer himself.
“Well you’re not fiddling with your shit anymore so there’s that.”
Mark blinks.
“Oh, I guess you’re right.”
There’s another silence but it’s lighter this time.
Sarah suddenly stands up and stretches. “Well is that all?” she asks.
“Huh? Oh I think so.”
Mark and Sarah jump as Cesar bursts back in. “You guys are done right?”
“It hasn’t been five minutes yet.” Mark glares at Cesar.
“But you guys finished talking.”
“So you were eavesdropping?”
“Uh…”
Sarah sighs as Mark chases him down the hallway. The necklace is still clasped tightly in her hand.
-
“Cesar, are you asleep?” Mark hisses. There’s no response. He decides to use this opportunity to go to the bathroom as discreetly as possible. The only problem is it’s around three in the morning and Cesar is sleeping on the side without the wall. Mark is going to have to go over him.
Throwing caution to the wind, Mark tries to march over him as fast as possible but almost yells as Cesar grabs his arm.
“Where are you going?” he asks, sounding groggy.
“Bathroom.”
“Oh… Can I come?”
“No?”
A short silence.
“Alright.”
“Can you let go of me now?” Mark shuffles uncomfortably. He's half on Cesar and half on the floor.
“Oh, right.” Cesar lets go of him.
Mark sighs and makes his way towards the bathroom. He can barely see anything even with his eyes adjusted to the darkness. Yet he doesn’t turn on any lights. It’s his own house anyway, he has everything memorized.
Staring at himself in the bathroom mirror as he washes his hands, Mark can barely see his silhouette. He twists the faucet closed and flicks the water from his hands, too lazy to use the towel. It’s strange. He was always afraid of the dark. But as he stands here in the pitch black of the bathroom, he feels calm. It's alluring even. To stay in this quiet and peaceful place where he never needs to open his eyes.
He thinks about staying like this forever. It can't be so bad. His gun is still in his room though.
Mark shakes his head. Cesar might actually come looking for him if he stays any longer. He pads back to his bedroom where he sees Cesar still in the same position before he left. He's probably still asleep.
Mark stands beside the bed looking down at Cesar. He's going to have to climb back over him again which might wake him up which Mark slightly dreads because Cesar might ask him something stupid like how it feels to pee.
In his contemplation, Mark's eyes wander towards Cesar's face. Whose eyes are open and staring right at him. Mark blinks, wondering if he's seeing wrong since it's dark but Cesar blinks back at him.
It's a bit jarring to see since Cesar was so still. Mark wonders if he should say something since it's already been long enough to be insanely awkward but he also wonders why Cesar hasn't said anything. Should he just pretend this didn't happen and get back on the bed? Mark squints at his side of the bed.
“Is this how you felt back then?” Mark's eyes snap back to Cesar's. He spoke quietly but Mark heard him clearly.
“What?”
“Nothing. Are you not going to lie down?” Cesar scoots to the other side of the bed so Mark wouldn't have to go over him again. Mark almost tells him to not do that but decides against it. It would just be another strange unexplainable human behaviour thing to him. It also means he can get off the bed without waking Cesar.
Mark lies down and turns his back to Cesar. He reaches his hand underneath his pillow and touches his gun as if to make sure it's still there.
-
Documentation. It's what Mark started calling it after he decided 'journaling’ was too personal and intimate. He felt more comfortable thinking about writing things down for the sake of documentation rather than helping his own mental well being.
Recently, he's been writing a lot in a small notebook. Many things about his activites. Many observations about Cesar. Mark used to shoo Cesar away whenever he tried to watch him write but he's stopped caring about it for the past few days. He even brings it out to the living room to write in sometimes.
Cesar took an interest at first before quickly realizing that Mark barely responds to him when writing. He decides to sit beside him silently on the couch. Mark side eyes him. Many of the things he writes about Cesar is what he can see on the outside. Their trip to the mall, his random interest in the most mundane things, insisting on sleeping next to him, and other things. However Mark never really knew what he was thinking. He imagines alternates always must be devising something.
Mark looks towards Cesar who perks up at the attention.
“What are you?” Mark blurts out before he could think.
Cesar's expression immediately becomes guarded. Mark mentally kicks himself but doesn’t try to reword it. Cesar studies him with a sort of calculating look before finally saying something.
“I'm… Cesar,” he says hesitantly.
“Oh no, I…” Mark scratches the back of his neck. He taught him to do that didn't he? “I meant for real this time. Like you're not human…”
Cesar seems to think really hard about this. He stares at the floor without moving for a few seconds.
“I'm an alternate.” Cesar glances at Mark quickly before looking away. He seems nervous for some reason.
“Well the term ‘alternate’ is what we created for you guys. But you're more than that aren't you?”
Cesar fidgets. Mark stares at him which seems to make it worse.
“I guess we're just working for Him…” Cesar still isn't looking at Mark.
“What?” Some icy feeling washes over Mark but strangely, he wants to know more. “You’re-”
“Mark.” Cesar is looking at him now. There's a sort of intensity in his stare. “What do you think I am?”
Mark freezes. In all honesty, he hasn't thought about it before. In depth at least. What is Cesar? What are alternates? Beings just another step up in the food chain? But they don't really feel like they belong here. It's as if they appeared from a completely different plane. How can he begin to think about what they are?
However, if he tells Cesar this, he has a feeling that it'd upset him.
“I don't know,” Mark says truthfully. “We call you alternates so we can put you in a category we pretend to understand. Otherwise we're in the dark.”
Cesar's gaze wavers slightly. He then sighs and leans back into the couch.
“I'm beginning to not understand myself either,” he says.
Mark closes his notebook.
“I think I was always like this. Emotions and all, feeling desires for something other than,” Cesar pauses. “Doing my purpose.”
Cesar looks at Mark again.
“But I've never had a reason to disobey until now.”
Mark opens his mouth and then closes it. He wants to say something but he doesn't find the words. Fortunately, Cesar doesn't seem to expect a response from him because he keeps speaking.
“That day we went to the mall. I learned a lot. Everyone there was extremely different but it suddenly made sense. I could experience everything the same way humans can. It's just I never knew how. I was never taught how.”
“Until now?” Mark manages to murmur out.
Cesar smiles just slightly. “Until now.”
“Are all alternates like you?” Mark asks.
At that, Cesar makes a face as if he just remembered something. “I don't know. I genuinely don't know. I've been feeling so disconnected from them lately that I forgot about them.”
Mark doesn't ask what that means.
“But I… would like to meet another alternate like me.”
There's a tense pause. It doesn't last long since Cesar sighs. It sounds defeated.
“No. None of them are as incompetent as me.”
-
“Let’s sleep in the living room tonight,” Mark says as finishes scribbling down as much as he can in his notebook.
Cesar seems confused but doesn’t ask why. “Alright. Should I bring the pillows and blankets here?”
“Sure, that’d be nice.”
A change of scenery puts Mark at ease even if it’s his own living room. Thankfully there’s two couches that are barely long enough for them to sleep on. At least it negates the risk of kicking each other.
“Do you even need a blanket?” Mark asks Cesar when they’ve laid down.
“No but it’s comfy,” Cesar responds.
“Alright.” Mark doesn’t ask how Cesar managed to find a second blanket. The guy probably knows his way around the house better than Mark does.
Mark looks towards Cesar.
One thing that he gained from spending time with this alternate is endless patience. They don’t talk much before falling asleep. Mark realized that it doesn’t take a lot for Cesar to conk out. So if he stays silent and waits for a few minutes, he’ll be able to hear Cesar’s breathing even out, which means he’s fallen unconscious. But Mark doesn’t get up right away.
He keeps gazing at Cesar. The way he lies down, the way he doesn’t twitch in his sleep, how quiet he is. Cesar never exactly snored, but rather breathed funny. Mark can tell when the alternate falls asleep but it’s much more subtle. So just to be sure, he waits for about an hour before getting up.
His trek to his room is silent. The floorboards underneath his feet stay quiet for him. The air he breathes in is crisp even though the windows are closed. It feels like he's breathing for the first time. His room welcomes him just like it always does.
His bed is bare since Cesar took the blanket and pillow. The gun sits near the head of the bed by its lonesome. Mark wonders if Cesar ignored the gun on purpose or if he thought about it. For the entire time, he thought that this entire situation was just an alternate playing with its food but after today's conversation, he isn't sure anymore.
He's not sure what Cesar will do once he kills himself. Mark picks the gun up and walks towards the window. The moon is bright tonight. It shines down at him like it's looking at him.
Cesar is human. If Mark were to throw him into society, no one would be able to tell that he isn't. He's come a long way. He would be able to survive on his own.
But that was never Mark's goal. His grip on the gun handle tightens.
Soft footsteps echo from the hallway behind him. Then the sound of his bedroom door being pushed more open.
“Mark?”
Mark doesn't turn around. He was hoping that it wouldn't come down to this but still, he finally tells the truth.
“You're very human, Cesar. Sometimes I forget you're an alternate.”
He's met with silence.
“See? Even though I just complimented you, you know something is wrong.”
Mark turns around and faces Cesar but Cesar isn't looking at him. He's looking at the gun clasped tightly in Mark's hand.
“Mark,” Cesar repeats, a little more desperation in his voice this time. He takes a step forward.
Mark points the gun at him.
“Don't come any closer.”
Cesar stops in his tracks. Moreso because Mark told him to and not because of the gun.
“You were different from the beginning,” Mark continues. “I mean, it's not like I've met any other alternates before but we both know your behaviour goes against your nature.”
Cesar continues to stare at Mark with increasing desperation and some confusion now.
“I gave up, you know? Quite quickly actually. Maybe it was after Sarah's first visit. Maybe even before that. Which is why I almost did this much earlier. But I didn't.”
Mark takes a shaky breath.
“I didn't because I actually came to like you. You were funny, you had your own personality, we got to know each other. I decided to see it to the end because spending time with you wasn't terrible.”
Many different emotions flicker behind Cesar's eyes and Mark almost laughs at how much they used to scare him. What's standing in front of him right now might even be more human than himself.
Mark smiles. It's finally genuine. “But you're not Cesar.”
The room becomes very still. Cesar, who looked like he had been going through mental gymnastics to figure out what was happening, finally looks Mark straight in the eye. There's a hopeless realization in his gaze.
“That's what you wanted since the beginning.” Cesar's voice is quiet. It sounds small.
They look at each other for a few seconds. Mark doesn't need to confirm it. They both know it's true.
“You've changed a lot, y'know? I don't think you've done anything strange recently. I think you'd fit in with everyone else perfectly,” Mark comments.
“I… thank you,” Cesar responds uneasily.
“You'll do fine without me.”
“Wh-”
“How did you know I was here?” Mark asks.
“I heard you leave,” Cesar says quietly.
“Ha… I knew I should've waited longer.”
Mark knows he can't hesitate on any of his next moves or else Cesar will stop him.
He brings the gun to his head. For a split second, he sees Cesar's expression change from slight anguish to horror.
Maybe he made a mad dash towards Mark or maybe even yelled something. He would never know.
Mark pulls the trigger but not before selfishly hoping he'd see the real Cesar again soon.