Chapter Text
“MOVE!” Arthur yelled at the men crowding the halls. He desperately tried to run to Gaius. He was alarmed, not only for what he saw, but for how light Merlin was in his arms. Tears blurring his vision, but his feet moved on autopilot. Swiftly maneuvering around the familiar castle. Please, please hold on. Just hold on. Arthur begged, mentally. He didn’t dare look down at the tortured man in his arms. He knew if he did he would lose every shred of composure that he was pretending to have.
Turning the corner he raised his voice, hoping to penetrate the walls. “GAIUS!” As he got closer to the door, he was ready to kick the door down, “GAI-” just before he could finish calling his name, Gaius opened the door, confusion turning to pain, then to fear at the vision standing in his doorway. “Please… please you have to save him.” Arthur practically whined.
Gaius ushered him into the room and got to work immediately. Asking questions that Arthur couldn’t answer. Arthur would be in awe of his professionalism if he could see or hear anything.
“What happened?” Gaius asked
“I don’t… I don’t know” Arthur responded.
“How long was he like this?”
“I don’t..”
“What caused these? Why is there so much scar tissue as well? Where was he? Who did this?”
“I don’t…” As his eyes finally rested on the pale, thin frame of his friend, his vision went blurry and his heart felt like it was going to fall out of his chest. He couldn’t breathe, couldn’t make sense of anything.
I’m sorry for what I am. I can’t go on.
Everytime he closed his eyes, those words flashed across his mind. This couldn’t be happening.
“Sire, help or get out. You are not useful to me in this position.” Gaius said, curtly. Something snapped in Arthur as he shook his head. Gaius was right. He needed to focus, pay attention, and be there as Merlin had been there for him so much.
But he couldn’t. He ran out of the room and almost immediately fell to the ground. He allowed himself to feel the cold stone against his back, resting against the wall. He allowed the tears to more, allowed himself to freak out. Then he slowly stood up. This is just another person. A person that needed help. Get over yourself and help. His chin shivered as he couldn’t help but feel scared at seeing his once vibrant and cheeky servant. He had to put on his game face though. With a deep breath, he opened the door again and aided Gaius.
His breath was caught in his throat when his eyes analyzed what they were seeing. Gaius and cut off the tunic from Merlin. It lay in pieces on the floor, stained red. There, on a table, how could that be Merlin? His Merlin? The sharp angles of his hips, collar bones, cheekbones. Damn those oversized clothes he wore. Deep down he knew they weren’t to blame. He should have seen it. There were other sharp lines. Those cheekbones. Arthur was terrified but forced himself to look over the stranger laying there. So different from how he would describe him. The lack of color in his skin, the lack of a smirk across his lips. How did he not notice how much he enjoyed those things?
There were hundreds of scars covering his body. If someone had done this to him, they were doing it for a long time. Who would allow this torture to occur for so long? Who could be so blind to not know someone was in so much pain… Gaius moved quickly and efficiently, a stack of bloody cloths gaining height. There was so much blood. How could anyone…
Gaius didn’t take his eyes off of his work, but barked orders and the new King. “If you’re going to stand there, do something. Get me some more wraps, in the cabinet against the window behind you.” Gaius said, and Arthur pretended not to hear the shake in Gaius’ voice. Arthur continued to follow Gaius’ orders for what felt like minutes, but had been hours. They had cleaned, wrapped, soaked, and repeated many times. Gaius had said that the bleeding while terrifying also meant that there was still blood flowing. Arthur figured he was just trying to make his King feel better. Or maybe he was trying to convince himself. At some point the urgency left Gaius’ movements. Gaius held two fingers against his ward’s throat… then his wrist.
Arthur looked up, expecting… wanting more orders. “Sire,” Gaius looked up at Arthur with weary eyes.
Arthur shook his head. “No.”
Gaius held a hand up, silently asking him to wait. “Sire, I would like to use some long banned practices.” He looked defiantly, scared, into Arthur’s young eyes. “I would like to have your permission for that.” He started, and raised his head higher as he said “I don’t require it though.” He said with a swallow.
“Is he…” Arthur couldn’t… couldn’t say it.
Gaius rolled his shoulders as if his skin were crawling. “His pulse is very weak, Arthur.” Forgetting the formality, Gaius continued. “I’m.. I’m afraid that our work might not be enough.” His voice was full of fear. “There have been many times in this same situation, with Uther in charge, where I had to sit and wait.” Arthur desperately tried to understand. “Sometimes, if the person was strong enough, fought hard enough, they would pull through.” Gaius then looked over Merlin's body. “My boy…” he went to hold Merlin’s hand and Arthur had to look away. Taking a deep breath, Gaius continued, “I don’t think he’s strong enough. I don’t think he has been for some time, sire.” Without letting go of Merlin’s hand, he turned to face Arthur. “We may have to fight for him.”
Arthur stumbled backwards until his back rested against a door. “What exactly are you wanting to do?” Arthur asked, surprised there was any volume in his words. Gaius’ response was a tilt of his head as if to say, I think you know. No… no no no…. He’s asking him to go against everything he knows. Everything he was taught. “Magic? There must be another…” Gaius stepped to the side, revealing the pale boy. Arthur’s heart broke.
“I don’t think there is another option anymore.” Gaius said, sternly.
“I… I don’t…” Arthur thought over everything he knew. What would Merling want? Obviously, Merlin would want to live… right? But how would he feel if Arthur made this decision for him? Surely he felt the same about magic? They’ve talked about it before. Magic was a source of evil. If Gaius used magic, what would that do to Merlin? Would he turn evil? Go down the wrong path?
Arthur couldn’t breathe, again. The room started spinning. He pushed off the door behind him, spun around, and spilled into the room. He needed to get away from Gaius. He stumbled, barely reaching the bed. It took a few minutes for his eyes to clear to see where he was. This was Merlin’s room. Had to be. Arthur could see the small indications of Merlin all around.
He laid down on the bed, if only for a brief moment, taking in the scent left behind. He stood, walking over to the desk. The scribbles of notes left behind. Where to get more cleaner, best techniques for getting scuffs out of armor. Arthur smiled fondly and the passive-aggressive notes about him.
Reality is setting in. This can’t be the end. This can’t be goodbye. Arthur started snooping around, opening drawers. Future him will say it was out of mere curiosity. He was actually searching for an answer, an indication of his true feelings towards magic. Something has to reveal it. In one drawer he found some loose paper and a vial, another he found a book. He took all of it out. Looking over the book, it was about herbs for ailments. Putting it down he looked at the vial. He had no idea what it was, but his stomach turned at the sight of a skull… typically indicating poison. He put it down, with shaky hands, picking up the notes.
There was nothing that could have prepared him for what he read on those papers. He thought he couldn’t feel worse. Hurt. Scared. He felt guilty. These were not meant to be read… or were they? His eyes landed on the vial. Those words flashed in his mind again… I’m sorry for what I am. I can’t go on. Realization hit like a brick.
After what felt like ages, Arthur emerged from Merlin’s room. Gaius had already started searching through his books for the spell he was looking for. “Gaius…” Arthur said. Gaius simply looked up, then did a second take when he saw the condition of Arthur. He looked wrecked. “I may have some answers.” He said, distantly.
Gaius looked him up and down, eyes landing on his hands, holding a book and some paper. “Sire?”
Arthur couldn’t hear him, not really. Everything was cloudy again. His world was crashing. “You asked me who did this. How long has it been going on?” Arthur was talking but he wasn’t aware of what he was saying, not really. “I was searching for a sign. An indication of what he would want.” He barely pointed in Merlin's direction. Gaius feared for what Arthur found. Eyes going again to the book in his hands. “Stop.” Gaius’ stomach dropped.
“How could you say that?” Gaius asked incredulously. “How could you give up on-”
“How could I?” Arthur quipped back. “ME?! HE’S the one that gave up!” He stormed over. “I was searching for a sign that he would be ok with your magic, Gaius. And instead I found a mere book about herbs and these.” He held up the notes and threw the book across the room. Gaius stepped to grab the book.
“Sire, I don’t think you understand.” Gaius started.
“No Gaius, you don’t. He wanted this. No one did this to him. He did this.” It was Gaius’ turn to not process things. He shook his head, tears welling in his eyes. “When I found him…” Arthur squeezed his eyes shut, hating to relive the memory. “There was a message left… in blood..” He swallowed. “I’m sorry for what I am. I can’t go on.’ That’s what he wrote… He didn’t… how could he have done this?” Arthur didn’t understand. Couldn’t process. He was pleading with his eyes for Gaius to say something. Begging him to prove him wrong. Arthur walked over to Merlin and hesitated. He wanted to hold his hand. He stared at it…
After what felt like ages, Gaius stood next to him. He held out the book to Arthur. Arthur scrunched his brows and looked at Gaius, “What? Is there a cure of herbs in that book?” Gaius didn’t trust his voice, and just shoved the book into his hands. Arthur took it begrudgingly and lowered his arm down to his side. Gaius picked his arm back up, Arthur annoyed rolled his eyes as the old man opened the book for him.
Arthur was confused. There, in the herbal book, were… spells? “I don’t understand, Gaius.” He flipped through the pages. This was a spellbook. “Why… why is this hidden in an herbal book?” Gaius swallowed and raised his eyebrows as if to say, for obvious reasons. “Because magic isn’t…” All the pieces were falling into place. That was his sign he was looking for all along. I’m sorry for what I am. I can’t go on..
Gaius turned the pages to a specific spell. Arthur couldn’t read the language, but there was an image to two people. One was laying down, the other was standing, and there was something flowing from the standing to the other. Arthur looked at Gaius with questions in his eyes.
“When I said earlier that we may have to fight for him, this is what I meant. This spell would give Merlin the strength he needs. He would get that strength from you.” Gaius said, urging Arthur to say yes.
Arthur hated the small feeling of hope he felt. He shook his head and put the book back in Gaius’ hands. “He didn’t want that.” Arthur whispered. He hated it, the words felt like poison on his lips. “He’s been trying to do this since -” Arthur sobbed… he can’t believe this is happening. Memories are flashing, all the moments that make so much sense. Merlin, soaking wet… the familiar frame on a ledge… How could he not have known? He did so much wrong by Merlin all this time, and now discovering he had magic… the whole time??
“Arthur,” Gaius put on his best parenting voice. “What was written when you found him?” He knew it would hurt to repeat. Holding the book to his chest, he reached a hand down to Merlin’s wrist. They were running out of time.
I’m sorry for what I am. I can’t go on.
Arthur thought about it as the words flashed. “He was.. Sorry? For having magic?” Arthur was trying to understand. He looked over his servant with new eyes. “He did this… because of magic?”
“No, he…” Gaius couldn’t figure out the best thing to say. “You say he wouldn’t have wanted help… that he wanted… death…” The word caused tears to run down both men’s cheeks. “I’m trying to show you, that with your understanding, with this spell, with your strength, he does want this.” Gaius was urging Arthur to understand.
“This is my fault?” Arthur whispered. Merlin wouldn’t have been in this position if he were more open to the magic discussion. He had been so closed off, killed people for having magic. Merlin had to stand by, watch, and internalize this hatred. “Okay…” He couldn’t decide if he was being selfish or not… “Please… please save him.”
That’s all Gaius needed, he rushed around the room, grabbing ingredients and moved a chair next to Merlin. Arthur moved into place. Gaius prepped and finally, after what felt like ages they were ready. Gaius was speaking in a language that was strange, sharp, yet beautiful. Mixing ingredients, including a piece of Merlin’s torn, blood-stained tunic. Gaius held his hand out, silently asking for Arthur’s hand. Arthur offered his left hand. “Ah!” Arthur exclaimed in surprise as Gaius sliced a small strip on his palm to allow a few drops of blood to drip into the mixture.
Gaius continued and motioned from Arthur to Merlin a couple times. Arthur slowly started to feel a bit light headed. He doesn’t know when it happened, but at some point he realized he was resting his head on Merlin’s table. Only being woken by someone touching his hair. Confused, he raised his head and tried to stretch his neck out. His eyes landed on grey blue eyes and his breath was stuck.
“Merlin…” He whispered.
“Sire… What…” Merlin looked down at himself. He was exposed… All his secrets out in the open. Well, almost all of them. Then he sees his spell book. Well still, almost all of them.
Arthur couldn’t help but reach out and grab his hand… It was so cold. Merlin gasped and almost pulled his hand back, then felt the heat. Realizing this, Arthur placed both hands over Merlin’s, urging him to warm up. “Gaius?” Merlin tried to look around, but didn’t have the energy. Arthur looked around, and spotted the old physician asleep on the couch.
“I think we let him sleep. He worked through the night.” Arthur said. “Are you cold? Do you want a blanket?” Arthur asked, starting to get up, quickly getting lightheaded and the movement.
“No, no.” Merlin said, grabbing Arthur’s hand a bit tighter. “Don’t leave.” He felt ashamed. He had no place to ask him to stay. Arthur was grateful for not having to get up. “What happened?” Merlin wanted to understand what’s going on. He remembered getting to his hideaway. Remembered flashing his eyes… then it all hit him. The note.. The magic… he… didn’t succeed… again.
Arthur stared at their hands.. Scared to look into the eyes of his servant. He didn’t really want to think about the fact that he was holding his hand either… or the fact that Merlin was holding his hand also. He moved his eyes over Merlin to the door. “I… I followed you.” He started slowly. “I would have gotten there soon if I didn’t get lost.” Arthur pierced his lips together tightly in anger at himself. “I brought you here. Gaius worked tirelessly.” Arthur tucked his head, debating on what to say next. How do I say you would have succeeded if I didn’t let Gaius use magic?
Merlin’s eyes were pooling as he stared at the ceiling, biting at his lips hearing Arthur speak. He squeezed his eyes shut, swallowed and looked back at the book. He saw what page it was open to… realization hit him. The Strength Transferal spell. “You?” Merlin questioned. Arthur lifted his eyes, tears had welled. He was too scared to look at Merlin’s face. He didn’t want to see disappointment in his eyes, he couldn’t handle that. Merlin continued, “You… did the spell?” He asked, hopeful. Arthur bit at his lips, nodding his head, waiting for Merlin to yell, cry, tell him off for going against his wishes.
Merlin didn’t know what he was feeling. He was nervous of having to answer questions. Happy that Arthur cared. Confused at why Arthur allowed the magic to happen. He was scared. Scared that he almost succeeded in what he had intended. He let the tears pour down his face. Arthur’s heart broke, he lowered his head again crying himself.
“I’m so sorry.” Arthur whispered.
“Thank you.” Merlin whispered back. Arthur looked up, finally meeting Merlin’s eyes. He was.. Smiling? “Thank you so much, Arthur.” He said, “I’m so sorry for this. I’m really sorry, but thank you.” Arthur released a breath, someone might confuse it for a laugh.
“You’re not… mad?” Arthur asked like a small child, scared of the answer.
“Mad?” Merlin thought back to his other attempts and remembered the anger he felt. The disappointment. He didn’t feel that this time. Yes, he was ashamed, and scared, but only because Arthur had to see… in this way, and Gaius… “I’m… not mad. I’m terrified. I’m ashamed. But mostly, I’m sorry.” Merlin said.
“No…” Arthur said, confused.
“Yes, I’m so sorry.” Merlin said. “You shouldn’t have had to see me like that. You shouldn’t have been forced to use magic like that, and you shouldn’t have had to lose your strength for someone like me.” Arthur was shaking his head no.
“Look,” Arthur didn’t know what to say. There was so much to say, but also nothing to say. He decided to address one thing at a time. “I wasn’t forced to use magic.” Arthur pointedly removed one hand from Merlin and grabbed the book. “When Gaius told me my options, I had searched your room for a sign, and I found this.” He closed the book, showing the title, “an herbal book, huh?” Arthur wriggled his eyebrows. “I had no idea. You have to know that.” Arthur removed his other hand to flip the pages of the book. Merlin hated losing the warmth, and was a little confused by the butterflies in his stomach. Arthur was being so.. Kind? “I didn’t know that magic could do… good?” Arthur quirked an eyebrow. “I thought magic was evil, and scary, and not meant for saving someone that I-” his voice cracked. Merlin was searching Arthur’s face, wanting to hear the end of that sentence. Putting the book down, but not returning his hands to Merlin’s, “I didn’t know.” Arthur said. “Still hurts though.” He said… “That you didn’t think you could trust me with this.”
Merlin shook his head. “I was scared.” Arthur hated that Merlin felt that way. “I’m just your servant, Arthur.” Arthur ran his fingers through his hair and held his face in his palms. How could he think that he’s just; his servant. Had he not made it very clear that he meant more to him? “Why would you listen to anything I have to say?” Merlin questioned, yearning for Arthur’s bright blue eyes to look at him again.
Suddenly there was motion behind Arthur. Gaius had stirred. Arthur lifted his head from his hands to look over his shoulder, “Gaius,” Gaius looked up, hopeful. “He’s awake!” He said with a smile to the old physician. He couldn’t meet Merlin’s eyes. He’s sure that his whole heart would break in pieces if he did. Gaius ran over and checked bandages, pulse, and temperature.
“My boy,” Gaius said, finally allowing himself to feel his emotions. He leaned over, hugging Merlin. “You gave us quite a fright.” Before they could pull apart, there was a sound of a door closing. They both looked up to see that Arthur was no longer there.
Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
It had been a few weeks. Arthur stopped by daily to check in. Talking with Gaius, looking towards Merlin, then leaving. Merlin felt hopeful everyday that that would be the day that Arthur stays. Arthur had work to do, though. He had a kingdom to run. He had many changes to make. He also had a lot of soul searching. The long days without his servant made the new king feel… quite empty. He needed to figure out why he missed him so much. The jokes, the company, the advice. How much of a fool he had been… never again. His nights were sleepless. As soon as his dreams started, Merlin would morph into the lifeless, cold, colorless form from that night. So instead, he would work. Work and check in on Merlin.
Finally the day came where Merlin answered the door, not Gaius. Arthur was surprised, he didn’t expect Merlin to be standing in front of him. Blue eyes staring into blue, butterflies flying in stomachs...
“Sire,” Merlin said with his signature smirk and mock bow.
Arthur was searching his brain on what to say. He wanted to scope Merlin up in his arms and hug him. Wanted to celebrate and show him all the changes he’s been working on. Wanted to force him to do something that they could go back to how it was before. But as his eyes roamed over the boy’s frame all he could see was the bloody message and the stillness in him from a few weeks prior. Arthur had to look at the ground. This hurt Merlin.
“Merlin, glad to see you’re up.” He settled on saying. Merlin went to open his mouth to speak, but no sound came out.
“I was actually just telling Merlin here,” Gaius said in the background, Merlin opened the door wider to allow the King access. Arthur walked in, without looking up at Merlin. “I think it’s time he left the room for a while.” Arthur nodded his head.
“Yes, some fresh air would probably do him good.” Arthur was scared. He knew what Gaius was insinuating.
Merlin wasn’t quite hearing the conversation that they were having. Arthur couldn’t even look at him. His nights weren’t much better, but he often fell asleep holding his own hand, remembering the warmth from Arthur’s hands. Merlin had replayed that day so many times. He had replayed many things, actually. The kindness that Arthur would randomly offer. That night where they sat back to back, Arthur resting on his shoulder. Maybe he was creating something in his mind that wasn’t there. But oh how his mind created a lovely story. It was clearly wrong, seeing as Arthur couldn’t even look at him. Subconsciously, Merlin folded in on himself, trying to hide and protect himself.
“So we have it then!” Gaius said, pushing Merlin towards the door. “You two will go back to work, lightly.” Gaius said pointedly at Arthur, who curtly nodded. Gaius then pointed at Merlin, “Go easy.” he demanded. Merlin nodded, embarrassed.
There they stood, starting at a closed door. Both awkward, neither knowing what to do. Arthur turned towards Merlin to go down the corridor, Merlin turning the other way. Arthur decided to pipe up, “I have some updates you may want to see.” Arthur stepped around Merlin, desperately trying not to touch Merlin. If he were cold.. Arthur would break down. He’s barely holding it together knowing that Merlin had recovered enough to go back to work. Merlin followed, trying to get back into the groove.
“What shall we do today then, sire?” Merlin questioned. “Shall I prepare the horses?
“No.” Arthur said, “I don’t think putting you on a horse would be a great idea right now.”
“Alright, how about a training session with the knights, then?” Merlin offered.
“No.” Arthur said, “You shouldn’t be lifting those things.” Or being around those weapons… he added silently.
Merlin was starting to understand that Arthur wasn’t really ready for Merlin to be back. “You know, if you’d rather, if you got a better manservant.” Merlin said, stopping in his track and motioning behind him. “I could just go back, be the apprentice I tried to be when I got here.”
Arthur was confused, does Merlin not want to be his servant anymore? “Is that what you want, Merlin?” He questioned, pain in his eyes.
“I don’t know!” Merlin stated, throwing his arms up. “I know that I can’t go on like this! You babying me, or preventing me from doing my job.”
“If you just let me show you something-” Arthur tried.
“Show me what? The padded room you built for me?” Merlin started to tear up.
“Merlin…” Arthur stepped closer, finally looking into Merlin’s eyes. Merlin almost melted. finally.
“Arthur I don’t know what to say other than sorry. I can’t undo any of it. You don’t like magic, I know that, if you want to banish me, just get it over with. Merlin said, determined.
Arthur smiled and shook his head. “You know, for being so thoughtful sometimes you can be really…” he searched for the word, “stupid.” Arthur turned on his heel, continued down the hall and out the front doors of the palace. “Come on!” Arthur shouted over his shoulder, like a puppy Merlin followed.
Merlin found Arthur standing by a newly built bulletin board. Arthur motioned towards it. Merlin rolled his eyes and looked at the board. On it were multiple notices for immediate initiation. He couldn’t read anything other than the largest one, dead center. “Casting of enchantments is forbidden no more within Camelot.” Merlin’s eyes blurred, and he almost fell to his knees until Arthur touched his shoulder. Arthur was relieved at the warmth he felt under his hand. He didn't see the frail, bleeding, near death boy anymore. He saw his Merlin.
“I never want you to think that you can’t be yourself with me, Merlin.” Arthur said. “I’ve been working quite hard to prove that to you.” Merlin looked into Arthur’s eyes. “Everything you’ve done, I know now. For me, for Camelot and the Kingdom you’re going to help me build.”
Merlin shook his head, “You would have gotten here without me. You could continue…” Merlin didn’t want to assume anything.
“No, Merlin,” Arthur sighed. “I don’t want you to change. I want you… to always be you.” Merlin fought back tears, mirroring Arthur's own struggle. "Being yourself means being by my side."
Merlin's head tilted backward slightly, and Arthur gently drew him close, enveloping his loyal friend in a heartfelt embrace. While they knew there was much healing ahead, in this moment, they found solace in the belief that together, they could overcome the challenges that lay before them."
The end.