Chapter Text
Jesper didn't really remember getting home. He didn’t remember leaving the school and he didn’t remember unlocking the front door of his house once he had arrived. But he did remember collapsing on the couch in the living room and breaking into ugly tears.
And god, there were suddenly a lot of them. So many that he stopped trying to wipe them away at some point, just letting them roll freely down his cheeks. What difference did it make, anyway? Either way, things were ruined. Either way, there was no reason to try and hold it together anymore.
Just leave me alone, please.
Was anything we did yesterday real to you?
I guess it is my fault for thinking you would ever change.
His phone kept buzzing with incoming messages, but after getting his hopes up the first few times just to see that it wasn't Wylan but just some random people asking why he wasn't in class, he turned it on mute. The silence suddenly surrounding him was deafening, but it somehow still felt better than the constant, pressing noise.
He closed his eyes and tried to breathe, to get some air into his lungs. In for three seconds, out for another three. Then four, then five, then six. It didn’t make the pain in his chest sting any less, but it made him feel like he was slowly gaining back some control over his body.
Once he felt like he could move again, he grabbed one of the blankets which were always ready on the armchair in the corner because his Da loved to read in it and unfolded it. Then he curled up under it on the couch and hugged his knees to his chest like he used to do to sleep when he was a little boy.
Breathe, he tried to remind himself. Just breathe.
In, and out. One, two, three...
His eyelids suddenly started to get heavy, his body apparently exhausted enough from the lack of sleep the previous night and the mess of emotions to process to easily allow him to slip into a soothing unconsciousness. He didn't fight it but welcomed it with open arms. Because being asleep meant his brain was going to shut up for a moment. And if his brain shut up, he could forget reality for a while. And if that didn’t sound exactly like what he needed right now…
Sadly, the blissful ignorance didn't hold for too long.
He startled awake at the sound of the front door falling shut, followed by footsteps and his Da’s voice humming a melody.
He blinked. For a moment, he felt disoriented, having lost any sense of time and wondering how he had ended up here. Then, it all came crashing down again. Right. Wylan. He had messed everything up.
He immediately curled back into himself under the blanket and pressed his eyes shut again, trying to suppress the sick feeling in his stomach from the panic already on the brink of breaking out again. One, two, three -
The footsteps and the humming stopped. "Jes? You're already home?”
"Mhm,” Jesper replied, still in his curled-up position, facing the back of the couch, too comfortably wrapped into his blanket to move and with absolutely no energy to explain himself.
There was a moment of silence in which he prayed his Da would just leave, but the silence suggested that he was still standing there.
He continued to count his breathing.
"Hey." Colm waited until Jesper reluctantly pulled together all his remaining energy to lift his head just enough to look at him, before he asked "Are you alright?"
“No." Jesper pulled the blanket over his head to cover his face, turning away. Already thinking about having to explain made another wave of tears fill his eyes.
There were footsteps again, this time coming closer.
"Are you sick? Do you need me to run to the drugstore to get some cough syrup?" The voice sounded muffled through the fabric of the blanket.
"I'm not sick!" Jesper protested weakly. Being sick would be much easier to deal with than whatever this was. Being sick, he had practice in. Whereas here, he was thrown into the cold water without knowing how to swim.
The couch dipped when Colm took a seat on it. He tugged at the blanket, forcing Jesper to show his face.
"What's going on then?" he asked gently, eyes full of worry. "Did something happen at school?"
Jesper swallowed. He hated to admit it, but he knew that the fastest way to stop his Da’s questions was to just tell him the truth. ”Wylan broke up with me. And apparently, I'm in a fight with Nina too," he pressed out, voice - still, or again - raspy from tears.
"Oh, Jes," Colm said sadly and gently pushed away Jesper's long legs to make some space for himself on the couch, scooting closer. "What happened? You guys seemed perfectly fine last night when I picked you up?”
Jesper just shook his head. "I messed it up, Da. I messed it all up and now he hates me,” he choked out.
God, he felt pathetic. And also angry at himself. And actually - he didn’t know what exactly he felt anymore. There was only pain taking over everything else.
"I'm sure he doesn't hate you, Jes. He's probably just upset," Colm tried to reason, eyebrows furrowed in concern.
"You don't know what I did," Jesper scoffed.
"You're right. I don't," his Da admitted. "But whatever it is, I'm sure it's fixable."
Fixable. Could something broken from the start really be fixable?
"Everything hurts," Jesper complained. "It hurts so fucking much."
"I know, I know. Come here." Colm pulled him into his arms and hugged him tightly, running a soothing hand over his back. Jesper slumped against his chest with a suppressed sob, tired and weak. "I know this isn't what you want to hear right now, but the pain will get easier to deal with, I promise."
Jesper just shook his head, unable to even process the idea of letting time wash over this. "Why do I always have to mess everything up?" he mumbled into his father's shoulder.
Why couldn't he for once just do something...right? He always talked too much, and yet never said the right things. He cared a lot, but not for the right people or things. Always too much, but somehow - still - never enough.
Colm pulled back to look at him and frowned. "That's not true, Jes."
"Yes, it is! I do!" Jesper protested with a sob, furiously wiping at his eyes. "I mess up school all the time, I messed up my driver's test, I constantly mess everything up with the people I care about most and I don't understand why. Why do I keep doing that? It doesn't make any fucking sense and yet it keeps happening and I'm just…I'm tired of it."
His vision was starting to get blurry and weird, but he still noticed his Da's face turning serious.
"Jes. Listen to me," he said, placing a hand on each of his shoulders to force him to look into his eyes, "Everyone messes up from time to time. That's part of being alive. And nobody is gonna love you any less for it. I'm just as proud of you, if you make mistakes or if you don't. I don't expect you to be flawless, because that's not realistic."
“It just sort of feels like I'm particularly good at it in comparison to everyone else," Jesper pointed out, for some reason feeling the desperate need to prove him wrong. He chuckled sadly. "The only thing I've ever truly succeeded at, really."
"Well, now you're just being unfair to yourself. There's plenty of things you're good at," Colm insisted. “I could name you a few if you want, but that’s not really the point here.”
Jesper shrugged, too tired to argue, especially because he wasn't sure anymore if he was arguing with his Da or with himself.
Colm squeezed his shoulder. ”Remember that one time when you were little and I was really mad at you because you ruined my flower bed when you were playing around with your toy guns in the garden and got so overenthusiastic that you ran and fell right into it?"
Despite himself, Jesper let out a teary-eyes chuckle. "Oh god, I totally forgot about that. You were really mad at me."
"Well, they were Gardenia Jasminoides! They're very hard to grow in this climate," Colm pointed out and handed him the tissue box from the coffee table.
Jesper rolled his eyes and took one, sniffling. "See this is why I rarely step a foot into your garden these days. I'm just scared I do one wrong move and next thing I know you're telling me I destroyed ten years of research."
His Da laughed. "Well, the point of me bringing this up is - do you also remember what happened after you destroyed them?"
Jesper shook his head and blew his nose.
"I found you in the kitchen trying to cook my favourite meal because you wanted to make it up to me," Colm recounted softly. "So my point is, yes, you do mess things up sometimes. But you're also a fixer, Jes. Your mother was one too. She had this special talent where she just knew how to patch up your scraped knees and fix your toys and sew your clothes back together and make you smile at the end of a hard day."
Jesper wiped at his eyes. "Well, I'm pretty sure I busted that meal. But you're right about Ma."
Colm smiled, seemingly lost in memory. "I think it was also one of the reasons I got so upset about the flowers. Because it made me realise that...I didn't have an Aditi to fix things for me anymore. That I had to juggle all of this on my own now, without her steady hand there to guide me along. But then I saw you try so hard and it reminded me that maybe, it wasn’t doing such a bad job at this after all. And you’re still trying, I see it every day. And that’s all that matters in the end.”
Jesper crumbled the tissue in his hand, picking at its loose edges. "Did you ever mess up when you and Ma were dating?" he asked, for some reason feeling weirdly shy about the question.
Colm chuckled. "Oh, yes. Countless times. It's a miracle she still wanted to marry me."
"Really?" Jesper asked, surprised. He had never heard about this before.
"Of course. Relationships are messy, Jes. They've always been and they always will be, it's what makes us human, I think. But that doesn't mean they're not enjoyable, you know? It just means that you have to put in a little extra work to fix them from time to time. That's why flowers start to wither if you stop watering them." Colm pointed at the small flower pots lined up in front of the window behind them.
“Throwing in a plant metaphor doesn’t make it easier to believe you,” Jesper muttered, though he had to admit that it made just the tiniest bit of sense.
His Da chuckled. “Well, as long as you’re not disagreeing with me I’ll take it as a win.”
Jesper didn’t disagree. He took a deep breath and noticed that his body felt just the tiniest bit less tense than before and he changed his position, stretching his legs out to rest them on the table instead.
“Da?” he asked, feeling another question linger at the tip of his tongue.
He couldn’t remember the last time they had talked this way and it suddenly made him realise that there were a lot more things he was curious about. And it was also a helpful distraction from his own mess.
“Yes?”
"Do you ever miss Ma?" he wondered aloud.
“Oh, of course, I do,” his Da replied, in a voice that left no question but was still soft. “Every single day."
Jesper turned to be able to look at him better. He propped his elbow up on the backrest of the couch. “How do you deal with it?"
Colm shrugged. "I think grief is one of those fickle things where everyone has to find their own way to best deal with it? I enjoy looking after the flowers on her grave. It makes me feel like I'm spending time with her and making her live on through her favourite plants."
"That makes sense…” Jesper swallowed, a new lump growing in his throat, a different one this time. “We…we should go there again sometime,” he suggested, suddenly realising when thinking about it how much he felt the need to visit his Ma again, especially since it had been a while since the last time. A too long while. He had so much to tell her.
“I’ve been planning a visit on the weekend if the weather holds up? You should join me," his Da suggested.
Jesper smiled. “I think I will. I could help you prepare the plants for winter?” he offered.
“I’d love that.” Colm smiled too, then his face lit up in realisation. “Oh, and I have you, of course!"
“Hm?” Jesper asked distractedly, blinking rapidly to fight new tears.
“To help me miss her less,” Colm explained, voice soft. “I know that sounds so obvious, but I see her in everything you do, and even more the older you get. The way you talk, you dress, you move...Your laugh? I wish she could hear your laugh, Jes. She would love it."
“You really think so?” Jesper asked, hope wrapping itself like a warm blanket around his shoulder. Would she still love me, despite all my messes? Did I turn out how she wanted me to?
"I know so,” his Da reassured him with a smile.
Jesper weakly smiled back.
"God," he groaned when felt a new tear roll down his cheek, "I haven't cried like this in ages, please make it stop," he pleaded, fanning his eyes with one hand.
Colm chuckled and just handed him the tissue box again, his own eyes suspiciously glassy.
"What happened with Nina by the way?" he quickly changed the topic for both of their sakes. "You guys so rarely fight."
Jesper rolled his eyes and sniffed, grabbing a new tissue. “Ugh, it’s related to the Wylan problem. I really don’t wanna get into it."
"You? Not wanting to talk?" Colm put a hand on his forehead as if to check its temperature. "Maybe you are sick after all."
Jesper removed his hand away with a groan. "I could still hold a thirty-minute presentation about Beyoncé without any notes right now, I just don't want to talk about this."
Colm laughed. "Alright, fine, I believe you." He pushed himself off the couch. "Now I have to go run to the store for some groceries though. What kind of ice cream do you want me to bring you?"
Jesper looked up. "Ice cream?"
His Da shrugged. "Yes. I thought we were doing this whole teenage heartbreak thing, but if you don't want any -"
"Strawberry, please,” Jesper quickly interrupted him.
"Alright." Colm grinned. "Be back soon.” He left the room.
Jesper waited until he was gone, then he dragged himself off the couch and upstairs to his room. He quickly changed into something more comfortable, then he gathered the duvet from his bed in his arms and added the old plush lion he kept on the shelf above it for comfort onto the pile.
On his way back downstairs to camp out in the living room in front of the TV, he stopped on the stairs, in front of one of the framed pictures lining the wall. It was one from when he was barely three years old, asleep in his mother’s arms in the garden behind the house. He didn’t remember the day, but judging from the garlands in the background it must have been from a birthday or some other kind of party, where he had exhausted himself from all the excitement to fall asleep in her arms.
“I love you, Ma,” he said softly, his eyes lingering on her smile, frozen in the picture. “And I miss you.”
He didn’t get a reply, of course he didn’t. But somehow, he still felt just the tiniest bit lighter.
Jesper spent the rest of the day in a mix of stuffing his face with ice cream until he got brain freeze, ditching his Da’s question like he was running through a minefield and watching a compilation of random reality TV shows.
The thought of reaching out to Wylan crossed his mind every now and then, but whenever it did, he immediately remembered the other boy’s face when he had told him to leave him alone and the thought changed into a new panic spiral that quickly forced him to find a new distraction in order to not let it escalate again.
In the afternoon, he slowly found himself growing restless enough from not moving from his camp in the living room that he went for a run around the neighbourhood, followed up by a cold shower. It helped to get rid of some of the tension and to clear his mind for a moment, but it still all came crashing back down whenever he allowed his thoughts to wander again for a moment. It felt like he was stuck in an endless game of running away from his own mind and it was exhausting.
His Da tried to get him to talk again a few times during the day, but after dinner he finally gave it up, resorting to sending him to bed instead, after Jesper had fallen asleep on the couch for a second time.
“Get some proper sleep Jes, the world will already look different tomorrow,” he promised, looking tired as well behind his reading glasses.
Jesper wasn’t sure if it was the hope that he was right about it or if he was too tired to argue, but he did what he was told and dragged himself up the stairs, falling into a dreamless sleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.
He woke up the following morning through a knock on his door and his Da peaking his head inside his room, letting in a stream of light.
"Sorry,” Colm apologised when he saw that he had only just woken up his son. “Just wanted to check if you needed me to drive you to school?"
Jesper blinked, trying to focus his vision. His eyes were all puffy from all the crying, which was why he had switched from his contacts to glasses last night.
"Not if I don't have to?" he said, unsure if he was asking for permission or asking himself if he was ready to face the consequences if he left the house.
Colm smiled. "I'll be back sometime in the afternoon. Ice cream's in the freezer," he said, making the decision for him. Then he disappeared again, carefully closing the door behind himself.
Jesper was surprised for a moment, not having expected to so easily get out of going to school, but then his tiredness took over and he closed his eyes again, rolling over in bed for another round of sleep.
When he woke up the next time around ten, he grabbed his phone from the nightstand, unplugging it from its charger. Still no notifications from Wylan, or Nina. Also not from Inej or Kaz, but when it came to the latter he was somewhat relieved about it. He was already overwhelmed enough without having to deal with potential death threats.
He mindlessly scrolled through his social media feeds for a while, letting the endless stream of sounds, pictures and opinions block any coherent thoughts from occurring until he got sick of its repetitiveness.
Then he suddenly had an idea and fished the jeans he had worn the day before from the floor and pulled the little strip of paper from one of its pockets.
He copied the number into his phone, then he typed out a message to the new contact.
i'm sorry but i'm gonna have to say no to that date after all. meaning, i shouldn't have agreed to it in the first place. i have pretty strong feelings for someone else and even though we're kind of broken up right now, it wouldn't be fair to you to string you along either way. (this is jesper btw)
The reply came just a few minutes later which made Jesper frown because he knew from the time that it was still the middle of class. Apparently, even Kuwei Yul-Bo wasn't the perfect student.
it’s fine. i've honestly almost been expecting this because in the meantime, i've been filled in on all the things i've missed at school while i was away. i'm not saying i wouldn't have asked you if i knew about you and wylan, because i do really like you, but i can respect that. k.
thank you. and sorry again.
The read sign appeared almost immediately, but there was no reply bubble. Jesper dropped the phone back on his nightstand and buried his face back in his pillow.
He knew that this was only the smallest of steps towards fixing the damage he had caused, which would hold no real significance if he didn’t make sure the right person knew about it, but he still felt a tiny bit of relief about having completed it.
He had to start somewhere, right?
Around 1 PM he found himself being driven downstairs by hunger, raiding the fridge for something edible before settling back on the couch, still in his pyjamas.
He left his phone in his room on purpose, turned on silent, so he wouldn't be tempted to check it. The thought of missing any notifications made him feel anxious, but it felt less daunting than the idea of being disappointed all over again when watching hours pass by without a sign from the only person he really wanted to talk to.
When he felt bored enough to open up Netflix, the first thing he saw was the cover of The Notebook, which felt like the universe cruelly laughing at him, so he immediately closed the application again like he had burned himself on it.
Then, he just sort of sat there, trying to figure out what he was supposed to do now with all the free time to waste.
He couldn't help but think that Nina would have known how to deal with this. Meaning, she wouldn't let him sulk and instead force him to do something about it. Problem - Solution - Improvement. It was the way she approached all the things in her life, a quality he sometimes wished he would share with her. But he hadn't yet forgiven her enough for the letters to pick up the phone and text her. So, he didn’t.
An hour later, he found himself watching The Notebook after all because he somehow still couldn’t resist its comfort. So there he was, curled up on the couch under a blanket, ice cream container and a box of tissues on his lap, ready to face whatever further damage this would cause to his heart.
And boy, it did.
At one point he couldn’t tell anymore where the pain was coming from exactly - from the cold lump of ice cream in his stomach or from the way his heart got squeezed together when he watched Allie and Noah kiss on screen, immediately making him remember what it felt like to cradle Wylan’s face in his hands and kiss him. He had seen this movie a million times before and yet, somehow, it had never made him tear up this much.
“I wrote you three hundred and sixty-five letters, I wrote you every day for a year,” he whispered along with the dialogue, clutching the spoon in his hand, his vision as blurred as the picture on the screen was due to the rain of the storm currently washing over the river and the boat Noah was trying to fasten at the dock. “It wasn’t over. It still isn’t over.”
He sobbed until he felt like he had been dried out completely and there were no tears left in him because somehow crying about a movie instead of over his own life made it much easier to allow them to flow without feeling pathetic about it.
He was so invested in the story, despite knowing it by heart, that he didn’t even notice when his Da returned home and suddenly stood there, watching him with a mix of concern and amusement on his face.
“You alright, Jes?” he asked, even though the answer seemed rather obvious.
Jesper jumped. “Da! You scared me.”
“I didn’t. I was pretty loud actually,” Colm pointed out. “I called for you twice.”
“Shh,” Jesper shushed him, distractedly making a gesture in his direction without removing his eyes from the screen. “This scene is important.”
His Da chuckled. “Okay, I’m gonna leave you to it,” he said quietly, slowly stepping backwards like Jesper was a wild animal and he was afraid of stirring him if he wasn’t careful. “Let me know if you need something!”
Jesper just nodded distractedly, ice cream dripping from the spoon in his hand because he had forgotten about it halfway to his mouth.
He wasn’t proud of it, but after the movie was done and the credits rolled, he might have hit the replay button. It was basically on accident, really. It was just that he didn’t really have anything else to do or found any other movie appealing enough to watch it.
Either way, it was an effective way to make the time pass without having to think about anything possibly scary, like facing the consequences of his own actions in order to fix the mess he had created. A mess that didn’t have a certain happy end like movies did.
It worked out pretty well until his Da dared to ask "Have you talked to Wylan?" at the start of dinner, but after Jesper gave him a simple head shake and proceeded to shove enough food into his mouth to save him from having to speak for a moment, he luckily dropped the subject for the rest of the night.
Jesper was glad. Weirdly enough both that he didn’t dig deeper and that he’d asked in the first place. But it wasn’t the only thing that didn’t quite make sense in his head at the moment, so he didn’t question it.
"This is the most depressing Halloween I've ever had,” Jesper announced on Wednesday afternoon, flopping down on the couch in the living room.
He had considered going back to school today because he did feel himself slowly going insane with every hour that he spent inside, not talking to anyone apart from his Da. It was isolating in a way he hadn’t known before and it sucked especially on a day like today, where he knew everyone would be dressing up and the halls would be filled with laughter and all sorts of decorations.
But there was still the fact that going back to school meant having to face Wylan. And Nina and Inej and Kaz. There had been nothing but silence in their group text in the past few days, and thinking about having to talk to any of them made his brain short-circuit in fear that had nothing to do with skeletons and fake blood and jump-scares.
He wasn’t used to this, being scared of people. He was used to walking into rooms and being greeted by at least half of the people in there with smiles and nods and handshakes or flirty winks. People that wanted a piece of him, wanted to feel his presence. But he wasn’t used to feeling unwanted. Or he was, but not like this. Not for this. So, he kept running. Which, in this case, consisted of hiding away within the safe walls of his home.
Colm took off his reading glasses, looking up from his laptop. He had been working from home today and according to him, it was just because he didn't have any lecture to hold so there was no use going to the university. Secretly, Jesper wondered if he was staying home for his sake, but he somehow felt shy to ask. On the off chance that it wasn't, it would just leave him feeling stupid for having assumed it was about him in the first place.
"Wanna eat some candy and watch scary movies?" Colm suggested. "I just need to finish this paragraph here, then I could go for a break too."
Jesper raised his eyebrows. "Scary movies? Da, you can't even watch Finding Nemo without covering your eyes at the shark scene."
“Well, it’s terrifying!” His Da insisted. “But you're right. I just thought maybe it would cheer you up seeing your old father get scared."
Jesper shrugged. "Fine. We can do that. I guess it's better than nothing." He threw a full hand of candy into his mouth.
Colm gave him a stern look. "I've been lenient on you by letting you stay home these past few days, but if you start eating so much candy that you throw up I will draw the line and change from good cop to bad cop."
Jesper pushed the candy bowl away and raised his hands in defence. “Alright, jeez,” he mumbled with his mouth full.
“Just queue up some movies,” his Da instructed with a sigh before focusing back on his work.
For a lack of something else to do, Jesper did. He even played nice in his choices, resisting the urge to pick the most creepy ones to annoy his Da. But they only managed to make it about twenty minutes into Hocus Pocus before the doorbell rang.
"It's not even dark yet, why are kids already out trick or treating?" Jesper wondered, pausing the movie.
Colm shrugged. "Just open the door. I’m ready to get rid of this candy, it’s too addictive.” He shoved another candy into his mouth.
Jesper laughed. “Hypocrite.” He quickly grabbed their candy bowl and went to open the door.
But standing on the front porch wasn’t a child in a costume asking for trick or treat. It was his best friend, smiling sheepishly.
“Nina,” he said, surprised.
She was wearing a thick red coat to protect her from the windy fall weather and a knitted scarf in a matching colour wrapped around her neck. The bag over her shoulder suggested that she had come straight from school. Her car in the driveway confirmed it.
"Hi. I came to bring you some homework," she announced before he could say something else. "And also…I was hoping we could talk?”
Jesper didn’t know if he was glad for the distraction saving him from boredom, or if he genuinely felt ready to talk to her, but he shrugged and nodded.
“Um, sure. Come in.” He held the door open for her, then he followed her in the direction of the living room.
His Da looked up with a smile when he saw who their visitor was.
“Oh, hi Nina.” He quickly got up from the couch and shuffled out of the room, taking the hint - or maybe just being glad that he got a break from babysitting his son for a moment. “I’m gonna give you guys some space,” he announced, patting Jesper’s shoulder reassuringly on the way out.
Jesper sighed and flopped back down on the couch without another word, gesturing for her to do the same.
Nina zipped open her bag and started bringing out a pile of books and folders.
"So, um. I put in sticky notes where you have to do stuff, like usual?” she explained, stacking them on the table in front of him. "Inej covered the rest of your classes, the blue notes are from her, she said to just text her if you don’t understand what you have to do.” She pointed at the notes.
"Thank you…?” Jesper said, slightly overwhelmed as he stared at it all, trying to understand.
He hadn't asked for all this. In fact, the last thing he had said to her was to not bother him, and yet here she was. Showing up with notes and support like she always did when he was struggling like he really was just sick and hadn't more or less accidentally destroyed his relationship with two of the people that meant most to him in his anger and stupidity.
“You’re welcome,” she said gently, either not noticing his confusion or choosing to ignore it. “So…how are you?” she smoothly changed the topic when he didn’t say anything else and leaned back on the couch, pulling up a leg to sit more comfortably.
Jesper just shrugged. “I don’t know,” he confessed. He didn’t know how to summarise it, because he hadn’t even managed to fully understand it himself.
She nodded slowly. Then she sighed and threw up her hand as if to say what the hell, let’s get it over with and started talking again.
“I’m sorry about the letters, Jes, I truly am,” she said, sounding sincere. ”I can see now that my approach probably wasn't the best, but I really do need you to know that I never had any ill intent. I genuinely just wanted to help my best friend. And I'm also ready to admit that I have a tendency to make other people's private life my business. You know how I am, I just push, and push, and then sometimes I realise too late that I've crossed a boundary.” She pulled a face.
“Well, that’s definitely true,” Jesper admitted. He bit his lip. “And honestly…thinking about it, I don’t know if I wouldn’t have done the same thing if the roles were reversed. It’s not like I have any feeling for boundaries either. So, yeah. It was stupid that you did it behind my back, but maybe I get it.”
"Does that mean you're not mad at me anymore?" she asked with big, pleading eyes.
Jesper sighed and grabbed one of the pillows from the couch to hug it to his chest. “Honestly? I've been so busy feeling all these Wylan-related feelings that I sort of just don't have any energy left to be mad at you. And I hate fighting with you. So, not really, no." I could kind of use a friend right now.
She let out a breath of relief. “Thank god. It was so awful.”
"Which doesn't mean that I'm not still feeling annoyed at you for doing it and I will be giving you shit for it for the next twenty years of your life or so," Jesper quickly added. “But I am okay with moving past this for the moment. I’m too tired to hold a grudge right now.”
Nina nodded like she was taking her verdict from a judge. "Fair enough. I can live with that. You have officially my permission to throw it back into my face whenever needed. Just say: The letters, Nina, and I’ll agree to anything you want me to do."
“Thank you,” Jesper chuckled. "I’ll definitely make use of that. And also…” He picked at the edges of the pillow to give his hands something to do, “I think one of the reasons I got so mad at you was because you were right, you know. About the things you said? I do crave a real connection above everything else. It's just that historically, those feelings haven't been returned, or at least not in the same intensity as I felt them, so." He shrugged. "I sort of just stopped hoping for it so I could save myself the heartbreak, and proceeded to deal with it in a different way.”
Nina’s huge eyes were suddenly filled with sadness. ”Oh Jes. Come here." She closed the distance between them and wrapped him into her arms, hugging him tightly. “Please know that I'll always love you, no matter how intense you are, okay? It's one of the things I love most about you, actually. Nobody else matches my level of crazy as well as you do, and nobody ever will.”
Jesper sniffled and squeezed her tightly, only just now realising how much he’d needed to hear that. Needed her. “God, Zenik, I've already cried for two days straight, if you make me cry again, I'm going to haunt you every Halloween if I should die before you."
Nina laughed and released him. “I’m honestly fine with that. It will be something to look forward to in my boring old days.” She reached out to poke at his glasses. “But is that why you're wearing these?" she asked.
Jesper scrunched his nose. "Please don't remind me. I have never felt less attractive in my life."
Nina laughed and reached out to press a smooch to his cheek. "But they're cuuuute."
Jesper squirmed and pushed her away from him, pointedly wiping his cheek. "You're making it very hard not to immediately kick you out again right now. I may have forgiven you, but this is testing my limits.”
She grinned. "I missed you too, Jes.” She planted her legs in his lap, clearly having slipped right back into old habits. He realised that he didn’t mind. If anything, it was awfully comforting.
"Remember when we performed our Wouldn't Change A Thing duet at that talent show in middle school?” she asked.
Jesper laughed. ”Oh my god, yes! I think Da still has a recording from it somewhere. Honestly, I think we should recreate that sometime, it was a banger. With the costumes and all?”
"Well, the reason I'm bringing it up is that," she took his hand, squeezed it tightly, and smiled. ”I still wouldn't change a thing about us.”
“Me too,” he admitted, feeling a little bit lighter with every passing second. God, they shouldn’t have waited three days to talk about this. Her presence really did make everything better.
"So, are we good? Is it still you and me against the rest of the world?” Nina asked.
"Yes," Jesper confirmed with a smile. "But maybe we do need to remember to let other people in too, every once in a while. You know, instead of blocking everything out because we don’t want to deal with it, because we’re both awfully good at that.”
Nina sighed. ”I agree. And on that topic…I actually followed your advice, by the way. I talked to Matthias."
Jesper sat up straight and squeezed her hand in excitement, suddenly feeling wide awake. “Really? And?"
She blushed. “And, we kind of made out behind the bleachers for like, half an hour."
“Ha! See? I totally clocked it,” he cheered. “So did Wy, by the way. It was extremely obvious actually.”
“Well, to you maybe,” Nina whined. “Apparently I was the only one who never got the memo. Which feels very surreal, because when do I ever not know everything about anyone?”
Jesper chuckled. ”We really do have the same problem, huh? We just decided to deal with it in a different way. You forced yourself to hate him because if you did, you couldn’t possibly like him too. And I…”
“Ran from person to person, scared you’ll accidentally get attached if you stayed for too long?” Nina finished his sentence.
“Pretty much, yes,” he agreed with a sigh.
Nina poked his side with the foot she was still resting in his lap. “Well, now that I did my part, it's your turn! You should talk to Wylan as well. Because if you think you guys don't have any connection that goes beyond that stupid letter then you're lying to yourself. I’ve seen it with my own eyes.”
"He um. Actually, never read it?” Jesper confessed.
She frowned. ”What? Why?"
Jesper bit his lip, trying to figure out if it was his position to tell. Wylan might already hate him, but that wasn’t a reason to spill his secrets without his permission. On the other hand, he really wanted to finally tell Nina the truth about all of this and generally, she did know when to keep her mouth shut when it came to important things.
"Because he...can't read?"
Nina's frown made way for realisation. "Oh. Oooh that explains things!”
“Really? Like what?” he asked, surprised. How had she noticed, but he hadn’t?
"Just some stuff that happened in class,” Nina made a dismissive gesture. “But wait, how did you end up dating then if it wasn't for the letter?"
Jesper sighed and adjusted his glasses. ”Long story that partly involved me running away from Kaz Brekker because of his letter and convincing Wylan to fake date me."
Nina looked perplexed. “You - he -“ She shook her head. “Excuse me, how was any of that fake?! I know you, Jes. You were literally so gone for him from day one on.”
Jesper felt his face grow hot. God, just how obvious had he been all along? “Well…that’s the whole issue, basically.”
She shook her head. “I don’t understand, I think you’ve lost me.”
“Honestly, me neither at this point,” Jesper sighed. “But alright. I’ll…try to give you a short summary. Basically, I wanted Kaz to think that I and Wylan were dating so he would lay off me about the letter you put in his locker. And I asked Wylan to make a contract where we determined the end of the fake relationship and set some ground rules. We also said no kissing but then we did kiss - a lot, on Sunday. - And apparently, that was Wylan's way of communicating that he did want this to become something more, I missed that memo and went ahead and messed it all up by agreeing to go on a date with Kuwei which led to Wylan, rightfully, storming off," he summarised as quickly as possible. “And now he hates me and I don’t know how to fix it.”
"Well damn." Nina raised her eyebrows. "I missed a lot of drama, apparently."
Jesper sighed and sank deeper into the couch. "Yeah...it's not very good drama though, it's just me being next-level stupid and messing up possibly the best thing that's ever happened to me."
“Aw, Jes!” She smiled in a way that made him roll his eyes. Hard. "Okay but from what you're telling me it sounds like he definitely likes you too! He just thinks you don't, so you just have to tell him the truth." She shrugged like this was in any way as easy as she made it sound.
He blinked. “I…don’t know how to do that. I’m not very good with apologies. Or love confessions, for that matter.”
"Well," She tilted her head and smiled, "I might have something that will encourage you.” She removed her legs from his lap and reached for her bag, rummaging through it.
"Please. I need all the help," he pleaded, feeling comfortable enough around Nina to finally be honest about just how desperate he was.
“Well first of all," she pulled out a small box - his Ma's letter box with the orange flowers - and placed it on the table. "I wanted to give you this box back. But also,” she proceeded to open it, “I found something in your locker when I was collecting stuff to bring you homework.”
“You broke into my locker?!" Jesper asked bewildered.
“Your birthday isn’t a very safe combination, Jes,” Nina pointed out and pushed the box towards him. "But look."
He sighed and pulled it closer to himself to look at it. There it was, the bundle of letters from his Da. He was overcome with relief knowing they weren't lost after all. But there were also a lot of little notes tucked inside, folded in half, filling up the rest of the box.
"Wylan's drawings," he realised, recognising the thick paper from Wylan's sketchbook.
"Yes," Nina confirmed. "And have you ever looked at them? Like, really looked at them?"
Jesper shook his head. “No..."
He had almost forgotten about their existence altogether, the act of receiving a new one from Wylan every morning and putting it into his locker had become too much of a habit.
“Well, then you really should do that right now," she said, nudging her chin towards the box to encourage him.
Almost reluctantly, Jesper reached for the first piece of paper at the top of the pile and unfolded it.
It was a drawing of himself, reading from a book. He took a sharp breath, running his finger over the pencil sketch to make sure that it was actually real because he was surprised by how realistic it looked. Wylan must have made it during that afternoon when he first read to him in this very living room because the amount of detail in the features of his face and clothes suggested that he’d had quite some time to perfect it.
Jesper placed the drawing on the table and opened the next one with shaky hands. And then the one after, slowly making his way through the pile of drawings accumulated over the past two months. His amazement grew with each one.
There were two ice cream cones. An old-fashioned car that he assumed was how Wylan imagined Allie's car to look like. Jesper reading, again, but this time on a bench outside. A piano. A gazebo with a wisteria in full blossom. Jesper and Inej. Jesper's open locker.
That last one made him shake his head in disbelief. There was no way Wylan had ever seen the inside of his locker for more than a few seconds at a time, but somehow, all the details were perfect. The photo booth strip of him and Nina in the top corner, the little mirror with the crack in the middle from years of slamming the locker shut with too much force, the cast photo from last semester's theatre production, the crooked bi-flag magnet. Everything was exactly where it belonged, better than he could have ever recalled if asked himself, even though he looked at it every single day.
And realising that sort of made him want to slap himself for not opening these drawings sooner.
Because while had been too busy pushing away all those feelings to stop them from slowly blooming, Wylan had been quietly documenting their shared time together over the past two months, holding onto it with every pencil stroke, every drawing and every split second seared into his brain detailed enough to replicate it.
"I'm such an idiot," Jesper said quietly.
He opened up another note. It was a drawing of his own hands, he quickly recognised that because of the rings and the little scar on the back of his left hand which he had gotten through a playground accident in kindergarten. There was a pencil in his right hand and under it, what looked like a notepad with scribbles. Wylan must have drawn it during one of the rare classes they shared together where they could sit next to each other.
"You really are," Nina agreed, giving him a pointed look. "That boy is so clearly into you, it's almost ridiculous. The only thing that's more ridiculous is how much you are into him."
The last drawing that Jesper opened, right at the bottom of the box, was the stick figure drawing Wylan had given him on the very first morning. For some reason, it was exactly this one that finally broke the dam and made a tear roll down his cheek.
He quickly wiped it away, almost furious at himself, not for crying, but for being so incredibly dense. "But I screwed it up, Nina. I screwed it up really badly.”
"You did,” she admitted, painfully honest as always, “But you know what this also means?" She pointed at the spread-out collection of drawings on the table. "It means that there's definitely something to fix there. If you want to fix it.”
Jesper looked at the drawings, one by one, taking in all the little captured moments. Captured to make them stay, he realised. To hold on to them, make them last. An open question, an offer even, maybe, if he had just taken the time to look at it and piece it all together.
“I - I really do,” he confessed.
"Good. Then do something about it," Nina ordered.
"I would if I knew how!" Jesper whined.
She sighed. ”Honestly - from all the things I've learned about Wylan so far I think he just wants you to be honest. Like, he doesn't need a grand gesture, he just needs you to show up for him, as yourself!”
Jesper swallowed. Being himself. He didn’t have a lot of experience with that going well. But maybe she was right. Maybe it was that simple. Maybe the simple part was what had scared him all along.
"I'll...try."
She patted his leg. ”Good. I can live with that for the moment. But I will be bugging you for updates."
"I guess that's fair," he sighed. He let himself sink back into the couch and pointed at the paused TV screen. "Do you wanna stay? Da and I were just about to start a movie marathon to make it feel more like Halloween."
"Actually..." Nina hesitated, suddenly looking sheepish, "I'm going to that party with Matthias after all tonight," she admitted, cheeks turning crimson in an instant.
"Oh, are you now?" Jesper raised his eyebrows and smirked happily. "That's great. Don't do anything I wouldn't do!"
She snorted. "That doesn't really put a limit to things, you know. Actually, is there even one? I'm still trying to find it...." She pretended to be searching for something under the table.
He gasped and kicked her. “Rude!”
“But not wrong. Anyway, yeah, I really need to go get ready." She pressed a kiss to his cheek and jumped up from the couch. “Text me updates please!” she ordered, slinging her bag over her shoulder.
"Ditto!" he called after her when she left the room, too lazy to get up to walk her to the door.
"Love you!”
He grinned when the door fell shut. God, he had missed her energy around. It made him feel like he was gaining some of his own back. Which felt like the first step out of this mess.
His Da returned to the room just when Jesper was starting to look through the pile of homework Nina had left for him, trying to measure the extent of what he had missed.
"I'm guessing you solved whatever thing you were in disagreement about?" he asked, reaching for another candy from the bowl that was now still as full as before.
“Yep,” Jesper confirmed, unable to suppress a little smile. He truly hadn’t felt this hopeful in days. It was a great feeling, like a fresh wind blowing through his mind, windows wide open to make sure it reached every corner.
"What's that?" Colm asked, pointing at the little box with the orange flower print.
Jesper started gathering all of Wylan’s drawings, carefully folding them back together to make space. “Ma's letterbox."
"Oh wait, is that the one you were so scared I had taken to Goodwill a few weeks ago?" his father asked in realisation, picking it up to inspect it.
"Yeah. But it turned out it was just at Nina's the whole time,” Jesper explained, still busy with the drawings. He would have to carefully look at each of them again later.
Colm frowned. “Why?"
Jesper waved him off. "Long story."
His Da took a seat on the couch. ”So I'm guessing you two made up?"
"Yeah."
"Does that mean you're going to talk to Wylan too?” he asked, giving him an I told you it’s fixable look.
Jesper squirmed under his gaze. "I don't know yet. Maybe. Probably."
Colm just nodded. He opened the little box and put the lid on the table before he inspected the letters inside. He flipped through them, envelope after envelope, running his hands over their paper, which was slightly worn out from time.
"Wow. I haven't seen these in ages,” he mumbled in amazement. “I wasn't even aware that you had them, Jes."
"I should have given them to you a long time ago,” Jesper confessed, feeling slightly guilty about it. “They’re yours, really. You should have them from now on.”
His Da didn’t answer, too busy looking through the letters, even taking some out of the envelopes, his eyes flying over the handwritten lines.
Jesper stayed silent too, suddenly feeling like he was intruding on an intimate moment. He had never read the letters, even when he had been old enough to do it, so he didn’t know their content. But watching his Da now, the way his eyes started to glitter and how gently he touched the paper, made him think that they truly had to be as special as his Ma had always told him.
He just wanted to quietly gather his things and sneak out to go upstairs and start on his homework, when his father got up from the couch and walked over to the bookshelf in the corner like he had just remembered something.
Jesper watched curiously as he pulled out a thin red album from the bottom shelf and returned to the couch.
"Did I ever show you these pictures from when your Ma was pregnant with you?” Colm asked, flipping the album open.
"I don't think so?" Curious, Jesper scooted closer to him to get a proper look at the pages. “Why?”
“I always thought she looked especially beautiful during that time,” his Da said softly.
“Yeah?” Jesper looked at the unfamiliar pictures, noticing that his Ma looked slightly younger than he was used to from most photographs.
Colm nodded and pointed at the top corner of the page. ”Look, this was from when we painted your nursery!”
Jesper pulled a face. ”Ugh, that hideous yellow, I remember. I'm so glad you allowed me to paint over it a few years ago.”
He looked more closely at the picture which showed his Ma, standing in an empty room whose layout he vaguely recognised, wearing overalls over a noticeable bump and holding a paintbrush in her hand, a happy smile on her face.
"I love that headscarf though,” he pointed out. “The pattern is nice.”
“Me too,” Colm agreed. “Also she was tall enough to reach all the corners of the ceiling, so it was her job to climb the ladder,” he recalled.
He turned the page, revealing a new series of pictures. Jesper studied them all curiously. He wasn’t sure if he had ever seen photos of his parents from before he was born, apart from the one wedding picture in his Da’s office. All the other ones around the house had him in it, too.
Colm laughed at a picture with a lot of greenery in the background. Jesper’s Ma’s bright orange dress was standing out in the middle.
“She still insisted on helping me in the garden even until she was nine months pregnant with you. I still remember the discussions when I tried to stop her.”
Jesper chuckled. “And, did you let her?”
“Well, she was too stubborn that I could have stopped her completely,” Colm admitted with a grin. “But instead I tried to give her the least physically exhaustive tasks.”
Jesper raised his eyebrows. “That’s smart. Did it work?”
“She probably knew exactly what I was doing but decided to go along with it for my sake. And yours, probably,” his Da chuckled.
He turned the page.
They kept admiring picture after picture, Colm giving a little background information for each one through recounting his memory for Jesper who smiled and soaked it all up like a dry sponge, curious and eager to learn more, to add another puzzle piece to the picture he had of his Ma - and his Da, in some ways - in his head. It was new and exciting - and he loved it.
Suddenly, his Da paused when it was time to turn the page, hesitating.
“Hey, Jes?” he asked, voice heavily laced with emotion.
Jesper looked up. “Yeah?”
There was something like a shadow flickering over Colm’s grey eyes and his face was serious, the smile from before gone.
"I know I wasn't a very good father when…when your Ma passed away? And I want you to know that…I’ll never forgive myself for it.” He slowly shook his head. “I shouldn't have let my own grief stop me from being there for you. You were just a little kid."
Jesper felt something heavy settle in the room, like a layer of snow covering everything around them, blocking out his newly found feeling of joy. ”I didn't know how to tell you," he admitted, ducking his head. ”I didn't have the words. Maybe I still don’t,” he added quietly.
"Well, you shouldn't have needed them. I should have known." There was a deep crease in Colm's forehead. “It wasn’t your job to look after yourself, it was mine.”
Jesper shrugged, helpless. "You know...I think I finally understand it, just a little bit? Like, I already feel like I'm being torn apart on the inside right now and I'm just going through your average teenage heartbreak here. I can't even imagine the amount of pain you must have been in when she passed away.”
Colm shook his head. “Still. If I could go back, I'd make sure to take care of you and I’ll always regret that I didn’t,” he insisted.
“Well, you're taking care of me now," Jesper offered and blinked against his tears. He moved to rest his head on his Da's shoulder. "That's worth something, right?"
I would have long gone insane without you these last few days.
“Yeah…I am,” Colm agreed quietly like he wasn’t sure if he was allowed to accept that. It’s a start.
He put an arm around Jesper’s shoulder to pull him closer and squeezed his arm, the band of the wedding ring on his hand a soothing cold on his skin. "I love you, Jes," he murmured into his hair. “Please never doubt that.”
"I love you too, Da," Jesper reassured him, closing his eyes to hold back the tears. Still, there was a small smile on his lips.
They remained like this for a moment, huddled close together on the couch, neither of them moving or saying anything else. Jesper didn’t mind. Maybe, for the moment, there was enough said. Maybe this silence had its right to exist.
Eventually, Colm flipped to the next page.
“Do you remember that swing?” he asked, voice slightly hoarse. “We installed it back then. Way too early of course, but we just wanted to get it done so we could decide on the layout of the backyard.”
Jesper gasped at the picture. “I do remember!” He swatted his Da’s arm. “I’m honestly still mad at you for removing it to make more space for your garden, I loved it so much.”
“You were never using it anymore!” Colm defended himself. “And we gave it to your little cousins.”
“Well maybe now I would use it again!” Jesper argued. Did one ever really outgrow the fascination of flying through the air?
“I don’t think it would still hold you anyway. You’re too tall," his Da drily pointed out.
Jesper gasped. “Hey! You’re discriminating against your own genes!”
Colm laughed. “Nice try Jes, we both know those particular genes didn’t come from my side."
"Fine. You win,” Jesper admitted defeat. “Or Ma wins, depends on how you look at it I guess.”
"She always did,” his Da agreed.
“True.”
Colm turned to the next page. And then the next one after that, until they slowly made their way through the entire album.
Jesper felt his chest get a little lighter with every page they turned, every picture they laughed at and every story his Da told him like each one removed some of the heaviness between them, the one from which they had both shied away for so long. And it made his heart hurt a little less, in some places.
And maybe he wouldn’t be remembering this as the worst Halloween after all, even if he wasn’t spending it having a party with his friends but instead hanging out with his Da until their stomachs hurt both from eating too much candy and from laughing.
On Thursday, Jesper almost managed to go back to school. He was really determined to face whatever he had to in order to fix this thing with Wylan after Nina’s encouragement from the day before, and whatever else would be facing him (like, Kaz Brekker’s wrath for example) once he graced the campus with his presence again.
He got up in time instead of hitting the snooze button multiple times like usual. He took a shower and helped his Da make breakfast instead of just sliding into the kitchen last minute to grab a piece of bread, which earned him a surprised look and a smile.
It all went well, really.
The almost part only failed at the point when he was standing in front of the mirror in his closet after getting ready and he was trying to practice what he was going to say to Wylan. Because then, his brain suddenly seemed to be empty of any words or sentences whatsoever and this sort of made him spiral from there on into another full-blown panic attack because he realised that I can’t do this, I can’t do this, I can’t do this.
So, with gritted teeth, he decided to stay home for another day. Less out of the need for running away and more out of shame of himself. He definitely wasn’t proud of it, but he didn’t know how to change it either. It felt, like always, as if time was just slipping through his fingers, life moving at a pace that never truly matched with his but was either too slow or too fast for him.
In order to give himself at least some semblance of having his life together, he didn’t allow himself to go back to bed though but instead tried to keep busy and productive.
He took care of the grocery list for his Da and cooked lunch. He finally replied to the flood of unanswered texts in his phone. He raked the fallen leaves in the driveway and garden until both were clean. He even agreed to watch his neighbour’s kid for an hour after she had shown up at their door asking if anyone could help her out because she had to do an emergency errand.
It almost scared him how productive he was, but he kept going, afraid to stop once he was on a roll, fearing that if he slowed down now, it would all come crashing down over his head again. And as much fun as three days of self-pity and tears had been, he didn’t really want to go back there either.
Sometime in the late afternoon, he sat down at his desk and started on his homework, working his way through Nina and Inej’s notes to bring himself up to date with all his classes as best as he could, figuring it would at least make that part of going back to school easier.
When the doorbell rang in the middle of it, he almost jumped from his chair, still full of energy.
“I’ll get it!” he announced and ran down the stairs, though he wasn’t sure if his Da had even heard it anyway, given how buried he had been in his work the last time he’d checked on him to ask if he had more chores for him to do.
Jesper assumed that it was Nina anyway, who had promised to come over after school to tell him how last night with Matthias had gone after he'd replied with a no :(((((( to her asking if he was ready for her to come pick him up for school.
But instead, when he opened the door, he was facing someone else. Someone he almost overlooked because the pale colour of her coat and her small frame sort of made her blend perfectly into the greyish palette of the fall weather surrounding her.
"Inej!"
"Hey, Jes." She smiled and to his surprise, it was as warm and genuine as always.
"I'm assuming you've come to tell me what a jackass I am?" he still couldn't help but ask instead of a proper greeting.
But Inej shook her head and before he could react, she had already reached out to pull him into a hug. After a second of surprise, he carefully hugged her back.
"If anything, I'm here to tell you that you're stupid for not reaching out to me. How have you been?” she asked after she pulled away, still smiling.
Jesper hugged his arms to his chest. ”Well…pretty shit, honestly. And knowing it's my own fault somehow doesn't make it better." He chuckled awkwardly, still not sure where exactly he was standing with her on the matter, given how close she was to Wylan. "You? How's school? Thank you for the homework by the way.”
“You’re welcome,” she smiled. “And lunch has been pretty lonely without you! Like, I love Kaz, but he's not the most talkative person."
Jesper frowned, confused. "Wasn't Wylan there?"
Inej shook her head. "He hasn't been in school since Monday,” she said quietly.
Jesper swallowed. ”Oh,” was all he managed to say. So they were both really maturely running from each other and he could have easily gone to school then. Cool.
"He's okay though!" Inej quickly reassured him. "Like not okay-okay, obviously, but he's...well, I've just talked to him and you don't need to worry. Kaz and I are taking care of it."
Jesper bit his lip and nodded. Despite her reassurance, he felt guilt spreading through his entire body from his chest, threatening to take away the air in his lungs. "So…he’s told you everything, I assume?"
She smiled sheepishly. “Yeah…"
"Did you know? That we were just pretending?” he couldn’t help but ask.
Inej tilted her head. “I had a feeling that I probably wasn't the only one who had received a letter and that somehow, in the consequences of all that, you and Wylan had found each other. But I never doubted the relationship itself, no."
"Why?"
Inej shrugged. "Well, first of all, I didn't have a reason to? And secondly, from the beginning there was something about you two together that just made sense. Like, maybe not at first thought, because you are very different. But definitely at second thought."
Jesper nodded. At this point, he'd heard enough people say this that he was maybe starting to believe it a little bit too. Which only reminded him of how terribly he had messed everything up.
"Listen, Inej -" he started.
But she quickly shook her head. "Whatever you're going to say, I don't think I'm the person who needs to hear it. The apology, or the explanation."
He sighed. ”I guess you're right,” he admitted.
She flipped her long braid over her shoulder. ”I don't know your side of the story, but I know that the Jesper who helped me climb that tree house in primary school always made sure I wouldn't fall from the ladder. So I trust that you didn't mean to hurt Wylan either because I can see how much you care about him. I don't think I need to know more than that. And the rest is up to you.”
Jesper blinked, once again surprised at how gently she delivered her honesty and how easily she showed forgiveness. “Thank you."
She nodded.
"So just how mad is Kaz at me, on a scale of one to I should start hiring a bodyguard immediately?" Jesper couldn’t help but ask, his hand playing with a chipped piece of wood on the doorframe.
Inej chuckled, the end of her long braid brushing over the fabric of her coat. "Don't worry, he took it quite okay actually."
"Really?" Jesper asked, doubtful. He had expected a lot of things, but not that.
She nodded. "To be honest, I think he's too busy mothering Wylan to think about you."
Jesper stared. ”Mothering? Kaz?"
"Wylan's been staying at Kaz's place for the last few days," she explained.
That didn’t remove any of Jesper’s surprise. ”He has? Why?"
Inej shrugged. "I don't think his home is really a comforting place to be when you're not feeling well," she said softly.
"Ah. I...can imagine that," Jesper admitted.
It didn't help to resolve any of the guilt in his chest. Wylan had definitely had enough problems in his life before he'd waltzed into it and created a new one. God, he really needed to bite the bullet and fix this as soon as possible.
Inej nodded and reached for her bag. ”Anyway, I've actually come here not just to check up on you but also because I've been instructed to give you this." She pulled out an envelope and held it out for him to take.
Jesper hesitantly reached for it. "For me?"
"Yes." She nodded.
He slowly closed his hand around it to take it. ”From Wylan?"
She nodded again.
Jesper frowned, staring at the envelope. There was his name written on it in big, cursive letters. ”But how...?"
Inej waved him off. "Just open it. You'll see," she reassured him.
“Okay...?" He turned the envelope around and started to tear it open, but before he could do so, Inej reached out her hand, placing it on his arm.
"Jes?"
He looked up.
"I think you should do that when you're on your own," Inej said softly.
Jesper's cheeks burned. "Oh. You're probably right."
He cleared his throat and started fidgeting with the envelope in his hand, unsure what to do now. He was basically bursting with curiosity to open it, but he didn’t want to be rude and just leave her standing here after she had taken it upon herself to come to his house. ”So…will I see you around?"
Will we still be friends, no matter what happens next?
She nodded. “Of course. Take care, alright?”
He smiled, relieved. “Yeah…thank you.”
He wasn’t just thanking her for this, and he could see in her smile that she knew it.
“Bye, Jes.” She turned to leave.
“Bye.”
He waited until she had disappeared down the street, then he basically bolted back inside the house, just barely remembering to close the front door in all the hurry.
He was out of breath once he arrived at his room and shut the door behind himself. He didn’t expect his Da to disturb him because he was too busy himself, but somehow he still felt the need for it.
Once he sat down on his bed with the envelope, he noticed that his hands were slightly shaking when he tore it open and his heart was beating in his throat.
He pulled out two pages, to his surprise both filled with writing.
Curiously, he started to read.
Dear Jesper,
Before you’re confused - if you couldn't tell by the handwriting already - I asked Inej to write this for me. Because there's some things I want to tell you but I don't think I have the guts to say them to your face right now. I guess I finally understand why you wrote all those letters. There is something incredibly freeing about being able to say what you need, but let it rest in that in-between of being out there and yet not quite.
Speaking of which, I asked Inej to read your letter to me. I know, I know, I’m a big liar because I kept it instead of throwing it away like I promised and you're allowed to be angry with me for that. But for some reason, even though I had no idea what you wrote in there, I always had this feeling that I should keep it. And now, I'm so glad that I did. Because if I hadn't...you probably wouldn't be reading this letter here either.
I gotta be honest, I was shocked to learn that you even knew I existed back then. I definitely knew you existed though, so never in my wildest dreams would I have imagined that someone as confident and drop-dead gorgeous as Jesper Fahey wanted anything to do with a little quiet nerd like me. I guess when I started out school I was too busy trying to fly under the radar to pay attention to what was happening around me and to notice that apparently, you definitely did. So...sorry about that? I can't help but wonder what would have happened if we had started talking sooner. But maybe we both needed that year in between to grow, who knows...
On that note, I wanted to apologise for my reaction on Monday. I wasn't being totally fair to you. You were right, we didn't talk about it, so I didn't really have the right to get upset. And I should have been more vocal about what I wanted, instead of assuming you knew just because we kissed. It doesn't mean that it hurts any less to look at it from this perspective, but it made me realise that we both messed up way earlier and that this was just when it all blew up in our faces because it finally had an open flame to catch fire on.
I also listened to the end of The Notebook, because I just had to know how the story ends. And honestly - fuck you, Jesper Fahey (Sidenote from Inej: He really told me to write this!!!) for making me believe this would be a happy book when all I feel is an aching sadness after finishing it. I'm not joking when I tell you I cried my eyes out during the final chapters. But I feel like in some way I needed to know how the story ended - maybe because I hoped that if I knew, I would also know what to do about ours. I'm not asking you to be the couple that dies in a nursing home together, because that's too far away and I can't make any predictions about what might happen between us in the future. But I guess I would like to find out if, some way far down the lane, we potentially could become them.
What I'm trying to say here is: I'm stupidly in love with you, Jesper Fahey. And I know you like it better when I'm smart (I know you do, don't even try to deny it) but when it comes to you, I just can't help it. It's like all the equations and formulas suddenly leave my brain and I'm left trying to figure out how to understand this world - your world - without it. It's at the same time the most fascinating and most infuriating problem I've ever had to solve and I can't get enough of it, of you.
I know it's been over a year since you wrote me that letter, but if there is any chance that you still feel the same way about me as you did back then - back before we even really got to know each other - please meet up with me.
I'll be waiting at our lunch table at 6 PM tonight in case you want to talk.
Sincerely,
Wylan
Jesper slowly lowered his hands holding the letter until they fell into his lap, trying to progress what he had just learned. Then, he quickly lifted it up again and started rereading the words, his eyes scanning the page over and over again like he was scared that somehow if he looked away for a second, they could disappear. But there they were, and there they stayed. Black ink on white paper.
I’m stupidly in love with you, Jesper Fahey.
I’m stupidly in love with you, Jesper Fahey.
I’m stupidly -
He quickly checked the time. It was twenty to six. He jumped from the bed and pulled the door to the hallway open.
"Da?" he called down the stairs.
There was an awfully long pause before finally, his father answered. "Yes?"
"Can you drive me to school real quick?"
There was once again a moment of silence before the reply came. "Now? It's almost time for dinner."
Jesper recognised the tone in his voice as the one he always used when he was buried deep in his work and it was almost impossible to get through to him if it wasn't for a life-or-death situation.
"Yes," Jesper quickly called back. "It's...Wylan related."
There was another pause. Then the scraping of a chair against the floor and a jingle of keys.
"Well come on down then, what are you waiting for?"
Jesper grinned and quickly sprinted down the stairs.
The campus was quiet when Jesper left the parking lot after watching his Da’s car drive away. Colm had offered to stay and wait, but Jesper had refused, somehow feeling like he needed to do this on his own - fully on his own.
It had started to slightly drizzle out of the clouds in the sky and he felt his clothes and hair slowly get damp while he walked over the grass between the school buildings and the tips of his boots get wet.
He immediately spotted Wylan when he rounded the corner to the picnic tables. His red hair was the only splotch of colour in the otherwise greyish, cold colour palette surrounding him where he was sitting on top of the table, his backpack at his feet on the bench below.
The familiarity of it made Jesper smile before he realised what he was about to do and another wave of panic crashed over him. Still, he forced himself to keep going. I think he just wants you to be honest, he remembered Nina's words. He doesn't need a grand gesture, he just needs you to show up for him.
This area of the campus was surrounded by trees which had lost all of their leaves by now. They were covering the grass like a colourful carpet and it looked very pretty, but it also meant that with every step Jesper took, the dried leaves crunched under his boots, breaking up the foggy silence. And thus, announcing his presence way early.
Wylan’s head snapped up when he heard him approach, blue eyes wide. His nose and cheeks were reddened from the cold air and his hair was slightly more curled than usual due to the damp weather.
“Hey," he said as a greeting as Jesper closed the final distance to the table. His face was unreadable, but his fingers were picking at the sleeves of his jacket.
“Hey.” Jesper took a seat on the table next to him, not too far away but still leaving some space between them.
"You came," Wylan observed, stopping his fiddling.
"I did." Jesper swallowed, feeling his heartbeat in his throat, sending nervous sparks throughout his entire body.
They sat in silence for a minute and he distracted himself by watching the raindrops fall onto the table between them, painting a pattern. He used his finger to connect them with each other, hoping it would help to calm him down a bit.
“What’s that?” Wylan asked, pointing at the piece of paper in Jesper’s other hand.
Jesper’s grip on the paper tightened, crumbling it slightly in the process. “I, um. Took some notes about what I wanted to say to you in the car,” he explained sheepishly.
What he didn’t mention was how it had been almost impossible to come up with something coherent in the short time, something that could accurately follow up the two-page letter he had received - despite the fact that he had been thinking nothing else for the past three days.
Wylan shifted slightly on the table, turning a little bit more towards him.
“Go ahead then," he encouraged him softly. He fleetingly looked up, just long enough that their eyes met for a second before he turned his gaze away again, focusing it on his hands instead.
And Jesper understood. Wylan had already said everything he wanted to say, had put all his cards on the table. He was only here to wait for his verdict.
Now, it was Jesper's turn.
He slowly unfolded the piece of paper in his hand and stared at his own messy handwriting.
He took a deep breath and cleared his throat. He ran his eyes over the first few lines, reading them in his mind, like to practice them. Then, he read them a second time. Just to make sure he hadn’t skipped anything the first time. Or at least that was what he told himself.
Right. Now he just had to…say this out loud. To Wylan. To his face. To -
“Sorry, this is weird but…can you turn around maybe?" he blurted out.
Wylan looked startled for a second like he had been prepared for anything but this, but then he nodded. “Uh, yeah, sure.” He shifted his position until he was sitting with his back towards Jesper.
“Okay.” Jesper let out a deep breath. “Thank you. So.”
He focused back on the note and started to read.
“Dear Wylan. You asked me to come if I still feel the same way about you as I did when I wrote that letter. And the thing is -“
He hesitated. Something about this felt off. It felt…not honest enough.
Before he could think it through, he crumbled the piece of paper into a ball and shoved it into the pocket of his coat.
This was wrong. He felt in every fibre of his body that he needed to say it to Wylan's face, no matter much the idea made him squirm uncomfortably. Letters could say a lot of things, but some messages… needed to be delivered directly from the heart.
He reached out, his hand slightly shaking, and tapped Wylan on the shoulder.
The other boy turned only his head, question in his eyes.
Jesper reached out to take both of his hands, gently turning him back around so they were facing each other again. For a moment, Jesper was hit with the full force of the blue of his eyes, which, somehow, with all the grey surrounding them, felt even more intense than usual.
“Wylan,” he started again and then immediately cleared his throat because his voice cracked at the end. “Wylan,” he repeated, trying his hardest to pull himself together, “You asked me to come if I still feel the same way about you as I did when I wrote that letter. And the thing is, I don't, not really. Because I wrote that letter a long time ago. Way before I actually got to know you.”
There was a flicker of insecurity in Wylan’s eyes but he didn’t say anything, so Jesper quickly squeezed his hands in what he hoped would be received as a gesture of reassurance. He wasn’t done yet, this was just the prologue.
“And…fantasising about someone you don't really know is way easier. Like, there is always that comforting component to it - you know that it will have no consequences whatsoever because you will never be able to find out if it could become true. Which means that it leaves out the chances of getting disappointed, in the end."
He chuckled and shook his head, only now realising just for how long he had been more or less consciously holding onto that safety net.
“So the reason I insisted on that contract when I asked you to act as my boyfriend was that I knew if I actually got to know you…it would be way harder not to get myself into something I couldn’t get out of again,” he confessed.
“Because that’s how I am - I always go head first into everything. I do it with things and I do it with people as well. I run fast and fall hard, deep, completely. It’s never just a scratch, it’s always a bleeding wound. Sometimes it feels like I only have an on and an off switch. Not five one, but zero one. Either my head refuses to even look at something or then, well.” He sighed and shrugged. “I'm deeply obsessed with it. I’ve been told my Ma was like this too, so I guess I got it from her.”
There was a small smile on Wylan’s lips. It was all the encouragement Jesper needed to keep going.
"And I was right with my prediction,” he continued, “because if the Jesper from back then knew you like I do now...I think he'd probably faint or something because of how beautiful you are. And just to be clear, I don't mean the way you look with that, although that’s definitely also more than true."
Wylan ducked his head to hide his growing smile, cheeks now not only red from the cold but also from a blush quickly spreading over his face.
“So I was pretty much doomed from the start. But I tried to deny that - for your sake.” Jesper shook his head. “No, for both of our sakes, actually. I just genuinely never expected you would feel the same way about me, so I tried to prevent my own heartbreak. And then, I guess in the process I stacked the wall a bit too high. So high that…I probably wouldn’t have noticed if you’d said directly to my face,” he admitted.
He let out a deep sigh. Now, he had reached the tricky part in all of this. The trickiest, but the most honest one.
“So, it’s not like I don’t want this,” he gestured between them, still holding Wylan’s hands and moving them around with his in the process, “But I'm not good at it - people, relationships? Which I know probably doesn't make any sense because Jesper, aren't you the person who knows everyone and anyone?”
Wylan silently raised his eyebrows in question, like he had just been about to ask the same thing.
"Yes, I am that person. But sometimes...I feel like I don't even really know myself, in a way,” Jesper confessed. “Because instead of making an effort to do that, I distract myself in trying to get to know everyone else to avoid it. Bury it deep under a charm offensive. But you...you never let me do that. For some reason, you both let me see you and me, and that’s…scary? Because I'm afraid of what I'll find out about myself if I let you in. And…that I'll hurt you when I figure it out because you'll get caught in the mess that I am.”
He felt a lump form in his throat and swallowed heavily. He felt Wylan run his thumb over the back of his hand, but he wasn’t sure if it was an intentional gesture or not. Either way, it calmed him just a little bit and he tried to sit up a bit straighter, preparing himself for what he was about to say next.
“Anyway, the point of all of this is -“ He took a deep breath. It was time to put all of his cards on the table, too. “I’m definitely in love with you, too. Again, or still or really this time. And that scares the living crap out of me.” He chuckled nervously. “Not because you are scary - it’s quite the opposite actually. You make me feel safer than I’ve felt with anyone in a really long time. But it’s the idea of allowing myself to feel those things that makes me want to run away screaming.”
Wylan scrunched his nose, doing a poor job of hiding a smile threatening to slip out. Jesper couldn’t really blame him. In fact, it sort of relieved him that the idea seemed to amuse him instead of making him want to run away, too.
“So, I can't promise you that I won't mess up again, because I definitely will. A lot. In fact, I think you should prepare a bingo card to track all the ways I'll mess up,” he suggested. “Because I don’t know how to be someone’s boyfriend. Or someone’s anything, really. But if you still want me…I definitely want you too,” he finished.
Then he let out a deep breath and felt how with it, all the tension in his shoulders got released. He hadn’t even noticed how uncomfortably cramped up he had been sitting on that table in the last few minutes. It also made him realise that the rain had picked up during their conversation, now falling in bigger droplets from the sky, the sound of them hitting the ground and the table the only thing filling the sudden silence.
“That, um. Was all I wanted to say, I think?” he said sheepishly after the time without any reaction started to get a bit too long for his taste.
Like Wylan had just been waiting for him to confirm that he was done, he suddenly released Jesper’s hands and pulled him into a hug without a word.
Jesper was so caught off-guard that he needed a few seconds to catch up before hugging him back, wrapping his arms around his small frame to hold him tightly.
And then he just…allowed himself to let go.
The sideways position was a sort of awkward angle for a hug, but neither of them really seemed to care about it. Jesper closed his eyes for a moment, breathing in Wylan’s scent, feeling the way his curls tickled his cheeks. It filled him with a sense of comfort no movie, no ice cream and no soft blanket had managed to do over the past few days. Not even his Da’s encouragements and Nina’s laugh.
It felt like coming home.
“Is that…a yes?” he eventually asked quietly.
He felt Wylan pull back, so reluctantly, he let him go as well.
“Yes. I do still want you,” Wylan smiled. ”I just have one more question,” he said softly.
“Yes?” Jesper asked, hopeful. Anything. I’ll do anything.
Wylan pressed his lips together. “Why did you actually agree to the Kuwei thing?"
Jesper sighed, almost having expected this and yet feeling embarrassed about it.
“I genuinely thought we were done, because of the contract? Which I realise now probably sounds stupid given everything that happened in between, but maybe you at least understand where I was coming from now? So, I assumed that having a distraction would be the easiest way to get over you.”
He frowned. “I’ve told him it won’t be happening in the meantime, though. And looking back I'm pretty sure it wouldn't have worked anyway and it was an awful idea to begin with. Kuwei was just there at the wrong time in the wrong place and even though I genuinely thought you didn’t want me then, I’m sorry that I created that mess.”
Wylan nodded slowly. “I do get that now. And I’m sorry too, for some of the things I said. I didn’t know the full story either.”
“Well. It’s not a really good story,” Jesper said, scrunching his nose. "It's very messy and we've only just scratched the surface."
Wylan took his hand again. It was terribly cold from being outside but the gesture still lit a warm flame in Jesper’s chest.
“Do you remember what you once said to me, about pain not being comparable?” Wylan asked and squeezed his hand. “I think you need to start applying that to yourself, too. And I'm not going to prepare a bingo card to keep track of how many times you've messed up. But I think maybe you should create one for yourself to count how often you're not messing up, but doing something amazing instead. Because all of this," he leaned in to press a kiss to his cheek, “was definitely its first entry."
“It was?” Jesper’s heart skipped a hopeful beat.
Wylan nodded. “Yes. It was. I’m very glad I got to hear all of it.” He squeezed his hand with a smile. "Thank you for coming.”
"You know all those things I told you on Sunday that I admire about you?" Jesper asked, running a thumb over the back of Wylan’s hand.
“Yes.” Wylan smiled. “What about them?”
“Well, I would like to add another one to the list. You're also brave. Like, I had my Da, Nina and Inej encouraging me to reach out to you, but I honestly, don't know if I would've had the guts to actually do it without you giving me your letter first,” Jesper admitted sheepishly. “So, you’re brave, Wylan Hendriks. Brave enough for both of us, luckily. Otherwise, we wouldn’t be here.”
Wylan shook his head. "You're plenty brave on your own,” he reassured him.
And before Jesper had time to protest, he leaned in to kiss him.
And when their lips met, it wasn’t like Jesper felt any need to disagree with him anymore. All he could think was god, I’m so glad I get to do this again, before his brain - for once - completely shut up.
All that was left for him was to catalogue every little sensation he noticed to sear it into his brain so he would remember the next time - remember why this was worth not running away from. Why it was worth facing his own fears. Why it was worth letting someone else close enough to let them in on all your secrets.
It was worth the feeling of Wylan’s cold, but soft lips against his. The way he sighed in comfort when Jesper slipped a hand into his damp hair to draw his face closer. The way their feet tangled together on the bench like their bodies were looking for every possible way to be close to each other.
It was worth the sight of the bright, unclouded blue of Wylan’s face when he pulled away to smile at Jesper, one of those smiles that made him be glad that he was already sitting because it made him feel weak in the knees with its brightness.
“What?” he asked when he noticed Wylan staring at him, though he was pretty sure he was doing the same thing.
"You're wearing glasses,” Wylan burst out, like it was something he’d been feeling the need to express during the entire conversation, but had held back on.
“Ah. Yes." Jesper scrunched his nose. "Because I was too busy feeling sorry for myself to take care of my contacts."
Wylan reached out to carefully adjust the glasses since they had become slightly crooked during their kiss. "Well, I think they look good on you. You should wear them more often."
Jesper snorted. "Of course, you'd love it if your boyfriend nerded up."
“Oh? My boyfriend?" Wylan’s face lit up with a grin.
Something in Jesper’s brain screeched to a panicked stop. ”If - if you want to?” he quickly stuttered out.
Wylan hit his shoulder. "Jesper! We're not doing this stupid dance again! Yes, of course, I want to."
“Ow!” Jesper protested, rubbing the spot. “Then I hope it will forever haunt you that you started this relationship with an act of physical violence,” he joked, trying to hide the fact that he was immediately overcome with relief.
“Sorry,” Wylan chuckled, not sounding sorry at all, “I just had to make sure you actually received the message.”
“I did," Jesper reassured him. "Very happily. But on the note of receiving messages, I can't believe you kept that letter! Like damn, Wy, all those weeks I thought I was safe…." he shook his head in disbelief.
Wylan shrugged. “Well, it's not like I could read it. But yes, I'll admit that I was a massive hypocrite for giving you shit about being surprised that I promised to throw it away and then not actually doing it."
"I'm glad you're calling yourself out,” Jesper snorted.
“But on the topic of letters…” Wylan leaned down to the bench to pick up his backpack. He opened it and pulled out his sketchbook. There was a folded piece of paper tucked in between the pages that he carefully pulled out and handed to Jesper. "This would have been your drawing for Monday morning, by the way,” he explained softly.
Jesper took it and curiously unfolded it. He gasped slightly when he saw the drawing.
There was a chandelier at the top of the page, and just the hint of wide windows and a fountain in the background, reminding him of the ballroom in the van Eck mansion.
And in the middle, unmistakable - it was them. He could spot himself in his flowery suit and Wylan in his dark one. They were drawn from the side and were holding each other in a position that looked like they were in the middle of a dance, with the way their arms were wrapped around each other's waist and shoulder. Like always, the drawing was incredibly detailed, even including the little pin on Wylan’s suit jacket, the rings on Jesper’s hands and the exact pattern of his suit.
But most importantly, they were smiling at each other.
"Wy, I - it's beautiful,” Jesper whispered in awe. This drawing felt even more special than all the other ones combined and he couldn't believe he was actually holding it in his hands.
"I couldn't fall asleep after you left, so. Had some time to perfect it," Wylan admitted sheepishly, holding his sketchbook over the drawing to protect it from the rain droplets now falling faster from the sky. "I know we didn't actually get to dance, but...I kinda wished we did."
"It doesn't matter, it's incredible,” Jesper said again. He looked up. “You're incredible."
Wylan smiled.
Jesper couldn't hold himself back from leaning in to kiss him again, feeling the smile against his lips. It sent a giddy spark down his spine which encouraged him to reach out to cup Wylan's face, bringing it closer to deepen the kiss. He didn’t know if he would ever be able to stop kissing him again, now that he was allowed to do it. It was more addictive than any candy.
"As much as I’m enjoying the The Notebook vibes of this rain kiss...," Wylan eventually whispered against his lips, "Can we maybe move this somewhere inside? I've been out here for so long I'm starting to lose feeling in my legs."
Jesper immediately pulled back in concern, only now noticing that Wylan’s thin jacket was basically completely soaked through and he indeed looked very, very cold.
“Oh my god, yes! Let's go." He quickly folded the drawing again and tucked it back into Wylan’s sketchbook, making a mental note to take it back out later so he could frame it.
Then he jumped from the table and held out his hand for him. "Let's go home."
Wylan took it with a smile, letting himself get pulled up.
“Da, I’m back,” Jesper announced as soon as the door fell shut behind them.
He kicked off his wet boots and gestured for Wylan to do the same, who of course made sure to neatly place his next to each other before following Jesper down the hallway.
There was a delicious smell floating through the house and the warmth inside felt like being wrapped into a cosy blanket after all the time spent outside. It was only one of the reasons Jesper felt like he was more floating than walking on the ground.
Colm appeared in the doorframe of the kitchen, apron tied around his waist. A smile spread over his face when he spotted Wylan behind Jesper.
"You boys worked things out?" he asked, doing a very bad job of hiding his excitement.
Jesper shared a look with Wylan and smiled. “Yeah.”
"I'm very glad." Colm pointed into the kitchen behind himself. "Dinner should be ready soon. I might've gone ahead and cooked for three in advance," he admitted sheepishly.
“Oh, you didn’t have to,” Wylan immediately started, but Colm waved him off with a smile.
“Well, we’ll be in my room until then,” Jesper announced, grabbing Wylan’s hand to quickly pull him towards the stairs, desperate to flee before his father was going to drag them into a conversation.
“Alright, I’ll let you know when dinner’s ready,” his Da called after them. “And keep the door open!"
Jesper rolled his eyes and Wylan chuckled behind him.
“You should take that jacket off, I’m gonna find you a warm sweater or something,” Jesper ordered once they reached his room and headed towards his closet. “Also please ignore the mess in here, I’ve been meaning to tidy it up.”
Well, that was a lie. But it sounded better than admitting the truth, which was that he had been too busy wallowing in self-pity to spare a thought for the state of his room.
Wylan dropped his backpack on the floor and started taking off his jacket while he looked around himself.
“Don’t worry, I didn’t expect anything else,” he reassured him with a chuckle. “It’s very...you.”
"Thanks?"
Jesper dug through his closet, trying to find a piece of clothing that looked both warm enough and not too big.
“Try this one,” he ordered, throwing a blue hoodie that didn't look too big through the open door sliding door back into his room.
"Thanks!" Wylan called back.
He kept searching for a moment, looking for something better but eventually came to the conclusion that he had already found the best choice.
When he pulled the door to the closet shut behind him and turned around he saw Wylan - now wearing the hoodie which was somehow still way too big on him - sitting on his bed, reaching up to the shelf over it to take down the plush lion on top of it.
“Oh cool, I turn my head away for a second and you’ve already found the most embarrassing item in my room," he commented drily, trying to cover up how much the sight of Wylan in his clothes made his brain short-circuit.
“It’s not embarrassing, it’s adorable!” Wylan protested, smiling at the stuffed animal in his hands.
Jesper sighed and leaned against the door of his closet, watching him. You're adorable, he couldn't help but think.
“He was a gift from my aunt when I was born. So, it’s a miracle he’s still intact actually, given the things he’s gone through.”
“That’s very cool. I don’t have any of my toys anymore.” There was a regretful tone to Wylan's voice while he petted the stuffed animal’s fur. “Why a lion?”
"It was, um. A hint to my middle name, actually?” Jesper crossed the room and sat down on the bed next to him.
"Really? What's your middle name?" There was a curious spark in Wylan’s eyes.
Jesper sighed. He figured there was no use in trying to hide it because Nina would definitely tell Wylan at some point to embarrass him. "I’ll tell you but you have to promise not to laugh."
Wylan shrugged. “Okay?”
"It's Llewellyn. Apparently, it means like a lion or something like that? My Da chose it. So, Jesper Llewellyn Fahey is my full name and there was a lion on my birth announcement card that got sent out to relatives, hence the plush.”
Wylan grinned.
Jesper kicked him. “I said don't laugh! Also, you’re one to talk, you probably have like, five middle names.”
"No, I actually don’t have any,” Wylan shook his head. “My family is rich, not from royal decent, Jes.”
Jesper scoffed. “That’s basically the same thing.”
“It’s equally ridiculous, but it’s not the same,” Wylan argued, petting the plush’s mane. “But a lion is definitely very fitting for you, your dad made a good call on picking out that name.”
“I’m…gonna take that as a compliment?” Jesper decided, unsure how to interpret that.
“You should." Wylan hugged the lion to his chest. “And also, he’s mine now, sorry," he announced.
Jesper laughed, watching him in amusement. "Okay? I'm not sure if I'm jealous of you or the lion then," he teased.
The answer was definitely the lion if he was being honest.
Wylan chuckled and held out his arm. “I have two hands, Jes.”
Jesper frowned and caught his wrist, pulling his hand closer so he could inspect it.
"What's this?" he asked, pointing at a long red mark on the side of his thumb, careful not to touch it because it looked painful.
“Oh, that.” Wylan blushed but didn’t pull his hand away. “I snuck into the lab while I was waiting for you to arrive at school? And I was so distracted wondering if you'd come that I dropped a beaker and cut my hand on the shards when cleaning up. It’s fine though.”
Jesper frowned.
Then he dropped his hand and got up from the bed.
“Where are you going?” Wylan asked, confused at the abrupt change as he watched him walk to the door.
“Getting you a bandaid,” Jesper announced.
“What? No, you don’t have to do that, it’s not that deep!” Wylan called after him, but Jesper had already left the room.
He quickly went to the bathroom to search through the medicine cabinet, trying to find a bandaid that was the right size before going back to his room.
"Jes, it's fine," Wylan insisted again when he returned, fondly rolling his eyes. "It's not even bleeding anymore."
Jesper shook his head. ”I’m not taking any chances,” he argued even though he wasn’t sure himself why he cared so much either. This couldn’t possibly be Wylan’s first lab injury.
He flopped back down on the bed and reached for Wylan’s hand to apply the bandaid. The other boy willingly let him hold it, but not without another eye roll. Jesper once again couldn’t help but admire how steady his hand was, not shaking or moving once while he applied it.
"There,” he announced when he was done and lifted Wylan’s hand up to press a careful kiss over the bandaid. "Fixed."
Wylan smiled. “Thank you."
“Please don’t get hurt because of me again," Jesper pleaded, half-joking and half-serious.
Wylan raised his eyebrows. “The only way I can promise that is by never letting you be in the lab with me,” he grinned, squeezing his hand.
Jesper shrugged. "I guess can live with that."
He settled against the headboard of his bed and patted the empty space next to him.
Wylan immediately took him up on the silent invitation, cuddling into his side so he could rest his head on Jesper’s chest, before reaching for the plush lion again.
“So…Inej said you've been staying at Kaz’s?" Jesper asked, wrapping a secure arm around him. He could slowly feel Wylan’s body slowly warm up again.
Wylan chuckled and stopped petting the lion. "I love how you're not even trying to hide your disbelief."
Jesper shrugged. “Can you blame me? Kaz is just so....kazzy."
Wylan raised his eyebrows. "Please never use that word in his presence, like. Ever."
"Kazilian," Jesper tried again. "No wait, kazilious!"
"Jesper," Wylan groaned, hiding his face in his hands, "Please stop."
"Okay wait but now I really got it," Jesper promised. "How do you feel about...Kazzle-Dazzle."
"I feel like I'm going to leave now,” Wylan announced and made a half-hearted move to roll out of bed, away from him.
“No!” Jesper immediately protested, slinging his arms around his waist so he couldn’t slip away. “Stay.”
Wylan sighed and let himself fall back against his chest. “Fine. I guess I don’t have a choice.”
Jesper smirked. “I win."
“I wasn’t trying particularly hard,” Wylan pointed out, amused, making himself comfortable again by nuzzling his head in the crook of his neck.
"No, but really,” Jesper took the conversation back up, “Kaz just seems like the kind of person who only has one plate and one set of cutlery to avoid that anyone could ever come up with the idea of wanting to overstay their welcome."
Wylan laughed again. “I can confirm that he does have more than one plate. But other than that, you’re not that far off. But honestly, I’d trade all the plates for Kaz’s place if it meant getting out of my house,” he confessed more quietly, picking at the lion’s mane. “Though my dad wasn’t very thrilled when I told him I’d be gone for a few days. Which is ridiculous, because he’s the one who’s always away on business trips.”
"You could stay here for the rest of the week if you don't wanna go home yet?” Jesper offered, tracing a hand through Wylan’s hair. “Da would definitely understand if we explain. You'd have to move down to the guest bedroom, of course."
"Bold of you to assume I would want to stay in your room," Wylan grinned. "With all this mess..." he teased, letting his eyes wander over the floor next to the bed, which was cluttered with all sorts of clothes and items Jesper had carelessly allowed to pile up over the past few days.
"Hey! You said it looked like me. Which means that by association, you have to like my room,” Jesper pouted.
"I don't recall saying such things," Wylan tried to play innocent, lifting his head to stare up at him with big, blue eyes.
Jesper grumbled. “You're very lucky you're so cute."
"I am, yes. I'm also just lucky in general,” Wylan agreed with a grin.
He pressed a quick kiss to Jesper’s cheek, then he settled back on his chest, hugged the plush lion in his arms and closed his eyes.
It was ridiculous how much he looked like a sleepy kitten, curled up like this. It almost made Jesper forget that he definitely knew how to blow up an entire lab if he wanted to.
Watching him for a moment, he suddenly wished he could draw too, to have a way of capturing this, to keep it close, freeze it, frame it, so his brain wouldn’t lose this picture.
Then, it hit him that he didn't have to do this anymore. Calculating how much time he had left, wondering if he'd get another chance to witness this. Because this wasn't the first time they were doing this - just lying there, tangled up and breathing each other in - but it also didn't have to be the last time, not anymore. The realisation made something settle in his chest and the last bit of tension leave his body.
“Hey, Wy?" he asked, his hand playing with a loose red curl which was slowly starting to dry again through the warmth inside the house.
"Hm?" Wylan hummed, eyes still closed.
"What do you put into the contract of a real relationship?"
Wylan opened his eyes and lifted his head to look at him with a grin.
"Nothing. You just gotta trust." He sat up more properly so he could look at Jesper. "Do you trust me not to break your heart, Jesper Fahey?" he asked with a smile, cupping his face in his hands.
Jesper looked into his blue eyes, filled with amusement but also an honest question while he waited for his answer.
"I do,” he answered, feeling at that moment, that he really believed it.
There was no spark of anxiety or fear anywhere in his body, no voice in his head screaming for cover - only calm and…steadiness. Safety.
“I trust you,” he repeated and leaned in to seal his promise with a kiss, feeling Wylan smile against his lips.