Chapter Text
i can’t speak, afraid to jinx it, i don’t even dare to wish it.
but your eyes are flying saucers from another planet,
now i’m all for you like janet,
can this be a real thing,
can it?
(are we falling like — )
⋆⁺₊⋆ ☀︎ ⋆⁺₊⋆
He opened his eyes to find a pretty shade of pink coloring all of Felix’s freckles. And just like he guessed, Felix’s eyes were the tiniest bit wide, his heart shaped lips hanging open. Hyunjin softly swept his thumb over one of the freckled boy’s cheeks as he felt Felix’s grip on his fingers go slightly slack.
“It’s you, Felix,” he said. “That person I was talking about was you. The one that I like? It’s you. It’s always been you.”
Hyunjin pulled his hands away, like they had been under the threat of being set on fire, and closed his eyes immediately, wishing he could somehow obstruct his hearing as well, far too afraid of seeing Felix after his words. He didn't know if he had made a mistake, had done the wrong thing or chose a wrong decision. The possibility of things going south was sky high.
But, it also might not turn out so bad.
Open your eyes, you fucking coward, echoed the part of him that loved to bully himself.
He was so afraid.
Afraid of what he would find if he opened his eyes; would it be absolute shock and disgust from those very same eyes he could probably stare at for eyes? Or would it be something worse?
Hyunjin as a child once decided to climb up a tree, simply for the fun of it — which was also the sole explanation for every single dumb thing kids did, but ended up tripping and falling. His mom said he hadn’t cried then, probably due to the sheer amount of adrenaline that coursed through his veins, and cooed about just how brave he was to not be throwing a tantrum over his own, self brought dumb decision. But growing up, Hyunjin realized he wasn’t brave , no, not in the slightest.
When Hyunjin failed his exam for the first time, it was math, he had folded the paper and buried them in the depths of his bag. When Hyunjin had his first kiss at fourteen, with that girl he didn’t really feel anything with, he avoided the girl for days, perhaps even weeks afterwards. When Hyunjin first heard the sounds rise up, his mother’s voice against that of his father’s, he sighed exasperatedly, far too tired to deal with shit that day, and instead snuck out to Jisung’s house, knowing very well that he was showing up unexpectedly.
“What are you doing here?” Jisung had asked, one or two hours after Hyunjin came uninvited, as they were sitting hunched over his bed, playing Super Mario Galaxy.
“I don’t know,” Hyunjin had replied, averting his gaze to the blinding screen, pretending to be focused on choosing his character though he went for Princess Peach everytime anyway. “I was bored, had nothing to do,” he had said with a shrug.
Jisung had definitely known the truth, the way Hyunjin struggled to hold eye contact while answering was enough of a giveaway. But he didn’t prod, and instead replied with, “Okay.”
Now Hyunjin knew what he truly ended up doing every single time; it was simply his way of coping, one of the many ego defense mechanisms: denial. He’d once fallen down a rabbit hole of reading psychology related articles, then proceeded to stare at his laptop in shock when they said anything mildly accurate about him.
The point was, Hyunjin’s a coward. He always has been, and always will be a coward. He supposed there’s nothing wrong in admitting the truth, to himself at the very least. It probably wasn’t healthy or the right thing to do, but at one point in his life, dropping everything at the mere sight of a problem and running to save himself, or completely denying the existence of said problem had practically become second nature to him, a natural instinct.
Which was precisely why every single cell in his body was screaming at him to run. He knew that the worst he could really get from Felix was a rejection, which wasn't a concept that was completely alien to him, but it still felt like the eyes Felix would look at him with would completely tear down all of his defenses, and he doesn’t mean to be dramatic, but he would definitely not be able to roam around Seoul afterwards knowing damn well that Felix was in the same exact city, in extremely close vicinity; it doesn’t matter if that said city had at least ten million people living in it, the chances were still far too high for Hyunjin’s comfort.
Deep breaths.
One in, one out.
You can do this!
You can do this…right?
Hyunjin closed his fist, slightly moving it up and down as he tried to give himself an internal pep talk, before braving himself as much as he possibly could, and slowly cracked one eye open. Felix was somehow looking at him in the exact same expression, though now his fingers were skimming over the part of his cheeks Hyunjin had had his hands on, his mouth shut closed and his face much, much more pink.
“What?” Felix asked.
There it was.
Hyunjin could practically hear the shock seep into the freckled boy’s voice, and all the confidence he had began to frantically run down the drain, setting off all the emergency settings on Hyunjin, probably putting his body on fight or flight mode.
I can’t do this.
I can’t do this!
“Shut up,” Hyunjin solemnly muttered.
“What?” Felix asked.
“No- not you!” Hyunjin exclaimed, as embarrassment began to creep up over him at the zero replies from Felix to his pathetic confession. “I meant…that inner monologue voice in my head. It needs to shut up.”
“Oh.” Felix said, his voice slowly trailing off.
Hyunjin had always said that sitting in silence with Felix had never felt uncomfortable, never felt the need to be saved by small talk or anything of that sort, but now, he was pretty sure they could both feel the awkwardness hanging between them. It was probably due to Hyunjin’s unanswered statement still lingering, heavy in the air. As some wise person once said, the tension right then was so thick, it could probably be cut with a knife.
Hyunjin looked down at the sand, pressing his palm against it as if he were testing it to see if it could be fit to bury him. It probably wasn’t, but there was nothing wrong with dreaming, right?
A few moments later, the silence had gotten increasingly embarrassing, and Hyunjin had no idea how to cope with it. Maybe he could silently scoot away from Felix before taking off and hope that the freckled boy would never notice his absence? That seemed like the best plan of action, since the sand beneath him clearly wasn’t willing to just swallow him up whole and rid him of inevitable humiliation.
“Wait…” Felix muttered, his voice slow and tone soft, barely a whisper. “Did you just say you liked me?”
We’re still on that? In Hyunjin’s mind, they had both mutually moved past that point, the rejection clearly pronounced even with the lack of words, as the taller man’s remaining handful of brain cells scrambled to find a way to bring things back to normal, mundane life, mentally downloading the Duolingo app to perfect his English skills and checking his savings so he could book a flight to the United States.
Hyunjin stayed quiet for a few minutes, hesitating on his words, debating on whether he could, or should play it off as a random slip of the tongue. “Huh? No, I totally didn’t just tell you I liked you! …even though I said exactly just that."
"Yeah…" he answered in an even softer tone, not sure if he wanted for Felix to miss his reply or to hear it. "I did."
"Like…romantically?"
Well…duh, romantically. Hyunjin didn't know how many people, friends or otherwise, must've gone around telling Felix they liked him for the boy to think Hyunjin was saying out of the blue in a platonic manner.
"Yes," Hyunjin said. "Romantically. In a I think you're really, really pretty but not just as a compliment kind of way. In a I'd love to hold hands with you kind of way, but not, definitely not…in a friendly way. I guess it’s a bit weird, huh." Goodness, he was just digging a deeper grave for him at this point, wasn't he?
"Oh." Felix’s voice echoed. “Fuck.”
“Yeah, fuck sums it up,” Hyunjin said, feeling his heart drop to his stomach. His hands begin to speed up the pace at which they’re engraving doodles into the sand, dragging his fingers along the grains then retracing his way back like he was retracing all the way back from now to when he first properly met Felix.
Hyunjin sighed, momentarily stopping his wandering hands, staring at the waves as he recalled everything that had happened that day. What am I even doing now? He asked himself.
He got ready, dusting the sand off his pants hurriedly, not quite keen on being here for any longer. “Yeah…I think I’ll get going, I have stuff, a lot of things to do so…” he muttered, keeping his eyes on his shoes, pretending to be extremely busy with tying his shoelaces.
“I like you too,” came Felix’s reply, not quiet but not really loud enough either, making Hyunjin wonder if he had just gotten the freckled boy’s voice to echo in his head.
“What?” Hyunjin slowly raised his head to meet Felix’s gaze, those eyes seeing right through him like it was peering into his soul.
“I like you too, Hyune,” Felix repeated. “Like…romantically. Not in a friendly way."
"What?" Hyunjin echoed again, like the intellectual he was, unable to say anything else, or find actual, meaningful words to answer with. No way. No fucking way.
"Yeah, I want to hold hands with you and roam around town too," Felix continued, his words setting Hyunjin’s heart on such a fast pace that he couldn't possibly catch up, even if he undertook a marathon. "I want to rest my head on your shoulder and gaze at the stars. I want to kiss that mole under your eye. Is that weird?"
Hyunjin could feel his cheeks color, painting his face in a dark pink and he could only hope to look as beautiful as Felix did when he blushed. "No, obviously it's not weird at all," he replied.
"Then why would you liking me be weird?" Felix asked.
“I guess it wouldn’t,” Hyunjin said.
He stared at the starry night sky, the sun long gone by now. It seemed like they were the only two people at the beach — which was definitely not realistic, but a comforting thought. Years ago, he'd only ever been here alone, watching the waves and wondering if he could somehow float away, to somewhere far, far away, far enough for him to forget about the life he led in those suffocating four walls. But now, he had someone here with him, and it wasn't just anyone, it was Lee Felix here with him, telling him that he liked him too, and somehow that made all the more difference.
He still had no idea how to proceed past this mutual revelation though.
But thankfully, Felix was there to take that one step forward.
Hyunjin heard the sound of sand slightly rustling before he felt skin against his own; Felix, warm and gentle as he was, holding his hand.
"Do you like me?" Felix asked, as if Hyunjin hadn't made that painfully obvious a handful of minutes ago.
Hyunjin nodded before adding, "Yes. Yes I do, I like you very much."
The way Felix’s ears blushed a crimson red at those words didn't go unnoticed by Hyunjin. The freckled boy gave out a small hum, before smiling. "Good," he said. "Because I like you too. Very, very much might I add."
Hyunjin let out a small laugh at that. "Hey, it's kind of rude to one up me like that!" he exclaimed, feigning annoyance.
"I can do whatever I want," Felix replied, a smug smirk on his face.
"And what do you want right now?" Hyunjin asked, not so subtly glancing at those really pretty heart shaped lips.
Felix’s eyes went down to Hyunjin’s lips then back up to his eyes, and the taller boy could see the exact same feeling that had him in a chokehold for the past two months or so in that gaze. He knew now, he knew that Felix felt exactly the same way as he did. And honestly? He wasn't that afraid anymore.
"What do I want now, you ask?" Felix muttered. "I don't know, maybe…"
"Can I kiss you?" Hyunjin shamelessly asked, watching Felix gasp in an offended manner at his question.
"You asshole!" Felix said, playfully hitting his shoulder. "Why would you do all of that leading up if you were gonna ask anyway?" he said.
"I just wanted to see your reaction," Hyunjin said in between giggles. "Besides, I've gotta ask first, since you one upped me before. So, can I kiss you?"
Felix rolled his eyes with a sigh. "Fine," he begrudgingly said. "I guess you can."
Hyunjin carefully cupped Felix’s cheek, a part of his brain focusing on how his hand could almost cover the entirety of one half of the freckled boy’s face, as he tried to calm down his heart. At the pace with which it was beating, one would think he was just going to have his first kiss. But somehow, it did seem like that. He hoped Felix wouldn’t notice how nervous he was as he slowly inched closer, Felix’s eyes fluttering as he leaned in to Hyunjin’s touch, tilting and angling his face slightly better.
When their lips met, there were no fireworks.
Instead, a burst of warmth exploded in his chest, rapidly spreading everywhere till every inch of his body was covered in that comforting warmth. He wasn't sure if he had ever experienced or felt something like this before. He vaguely registered Felix’s arms wrapping around his waist, as he held Felix’s face in his hands like he was a priceless treasure — and he truly was — with Hyunjin's thumbs brushing past the curve of his ear rather carefully so as to not hurt Felix by accidentally pressing his helix piercings too harshly.
When they pulled away, pressing their foreheads together, Hyunjin stared into Felix’s eyes. They had always been so lively, so full of love, so breathtaking but now, Hyunjin felt as if he could count every single galaxy concealed inside them. And behind all of that, his reflection. His eyes were beautiful. All of Felix was beautiful.
“I like you a lot,” Hyunjin said, running his thumb over the freckles lying beneath those starstruck eyes. Felix hummed in response. “LIke, a lot.” He emphasized on the words, counting on Felix to decipher the unsaid meaning behind them. I might’ve irrevocably fallen in love with you.
“Me too,” came Felix’s reply. He knows. His grip around Hyunjin’s waist tightened as he let out a soft, relieved sigh. “Can you kiss me again?”
“Gladly.”
Hyunjin brought their lips together again, closing his eyes, willing to open them only if it meant he would see Felix and fall, over and over again. Felix pressed his palm flat against Hyunjin’s back as Hyunjin’s fingers gently grabbed Felix’s chin, tilting his face upwards. The air had definitely gotten significantly colder, cold enough for them to see their breaths, for the tips of their noses and ears to turn red, not just from how euphoric they were feeling. Hyunjin felt something change in the atmosphere, but he couldn’t care less, not when The Lee Felix was here with him, kissing him back.
“Wait, wait,” Felix said, pulling away to glance up at the sky. “It’s snowing.”
“What?” Hyunjin’s mind was still cloudy and hazy after everything that had happened that day, so his brain took a few minutes to process Felix’s words, then followed his gaze. “You’re right, it is.”
“It’s weird, isn’t it?” Felix asked, giggling, his finger tracing patterns onto Hyunjin’s back. “Have you ever seen snow at the beach, and that too during March?”
“No, I haven’t,” Hyunjin replied, partly mesmerized by how Felix managed to light up all of his surroundings even though it was pitch black.
He couldn’t help but think of that day, weeks, weeks ago, Felix skipping across the pavement in joy after their trip to the movies simply because it had started snowing. Things were different then, things were different now. Then, he had somehow stumbled into the realization that he was possibly falling in love, falling for Felix. Then, he was afraid, terrified of falling in love. But now? He was still afraid, of course, but he had Felix with him now.
Felix’s hands made their way up from his back to looping his arms around Hyunjin’s neck, tugging him closer by pulling on the hem of his hoodie. Felix pressed a quick kiss to his lips, then buried his face in the crook of Hyunjin’s neck. Hyunjin carded his fingers through Felix’s soft blond hair, resting his chin on the curve connecting Felix’s neck to his shoulders.
Somehow, this, them snuggled in each other’s warmth in the midst of falling snow, the sound of the waves echoing in their ears, it somehow felt more intimate than anything else that’s ever been shared between them, like at the moment, all that mattered was them.
It was weird, Hyunjin supposed.
You don’t just see it snowing at the beach on any random day.
But it was beautiful.
And in some way, him loving Felix and Felix loving him back was like that too. Weird but so fucking beautiful. He felt like he was flying in a dream in the sky, wanting to collect every single star he came upon so he could gift them to Felix, though it would be impossible to give stars to someone who had them as his own.
You wanting me tonight feels impossible, unreal, like something out of a fantasy.
But you’re here, in my arms, breathing the same air as me.
I feel so special. Am I supposed to feel this special? Do I even deserve to have you with me here, like this? I’m not sure, but I hope you never decide to leave.
Please.
Stay by my side forever.
⋆⁺₊⋆ ☀︎ ⋆⁺₊⋆
The realization dawned on Hyunjin at half past seven in the morning. His entire body froze as he looked down to see a mop of hair, a leg thrown over his waist, and a hand holding his own, fingers laced together.
The beach. The snow. Yesterday.
Felix.
Felix!
Hyunjin hurriedly looked at the person beside him to see Felix looking back at him, a small smile on his face.
"Good morning," Felix said, looking absolutely ethereal with the way the sunlight formed a halo around his head. "Did you sleep well?"
Hyunjin was still slightly befuddled, but he replied, "Yeah. Did you?"
Felix hummed, rolling over to stretch his arms like a cat, and Hyunjin immediately missed the warmth. He wasn't even much of a cuddle loving person, but he would let Felix cuddle him his whole life if that was even possible.
"Wait, so…" Hyunjin trailed off, trying to organize his train of thought into meaningful sentences before he spoke. "Are we, like, dating now?"
"I mean, I would hope so," Felix said, propping his elbow up on the bed so he could rest his chin on the palm of his hand. "We kissed a bunch of times yesterday. Are we not dating?"
"I- yes, I do want to date you, but…"
Felix furrowed his eyebrows. "You look like you're thinking too much about this, you've got that look," He said, raising his index finger to boop Hyunjin on the nose. "You're overthinking, aren't you?"
"Well, you aren't exactly wrong," Hyunjin sheepishly replied. "I'm just wondering…why would you date me?"
"What do you mean?"
"I don't know, you're… you , and I'm just me," Hyunjin said, simply waving his hands around hoping Felix understood what he was saying.
"You say that like it's a bad thing," Felix replied calmly, like he didn't quite see the point of this abrupt topic.
"I overthink too much, I cry over the silliest of things, I'll sometimes randomly disappear off all social media platforms, I constantly find things to hyperfixate on, I spend too much time holed up in my room by painting and sketching," Hyunjin began rambling, trying to think of all of his negative traits. "I- won't I be too much?"
"No, you wouldn't," Felix said in a heartbeat. "Hyunjin, I do so many of those things too, and I also don't do some. But that's what makes us different from each other, right? That's also part of the reason why I like you so much," he said.
"How are you so sure?" Hyunjin asked, averting his gaze away from Felix, choosing to stare at the way his fingers stretched the fabric of his hoodie. "I don't- I don't want to scare you away."
"You won't believe it, but it's crazy how much I've thought of that too," Felix said. "I'm scared I'll overwhelm you, drown you in too many emotions, talk shit that's way too deep, and scare you off. And I don't want to, because you're one of the best things that's ever happened to me."
"You're one of the best things that's happened to me too." Hyunjin still had his eyes on his fingers, though now it was because he could rapidly feel his eyes burn from the effort he was putting in trying to hold back tears. Don't cry. Don't cry.
"Then why are you so afraid?"
"I don't know, Felix," Hyunjin said truthfully. He actually didn't know why he was so terrified of losing Felix, even the mere thought scared the fuck out of him. "I've dated so many people before you, I don't…" he paused because what if this was too much to say? After all, they had kissed for the first time only the day before. "I don't want you to become one of those people."
Felix stayed quiet, letting Hyunjin go on.
"I've been scared of people leaving my whole life, so I do it first before they can get to it," Hyunjin said. "And- aren't you scared? Of me leaving you too?"
"If things ever had to come to a point where you left me," Felix started, staring up at the ceiling. "It would suck, yes, but I wouldn't blame you for it. It's just…fate, Hyunjin. I believe in fate, it's what brought you and me together, on that same table, on the same blind date."
"But- but I've gone through so many relationships, aren't you worried? Why wouldn't you be worried?" Hyunjin asked.
"I dont understand, are you trying to get me to turn away from you?" Felix asked, a hint of humor in his tone. "Because, if so, it's not working."
"I just want you to know what you're getting into," Hyunjin said. "I can be…a handful."
"It doesn't matter," Felix replied. "I'll look at you the same way, even if you're covered in paint, even if you're smiling in that way where your eyes disappear, even if you're crying over a Twitter thread of cats."
Hyunjin pressed his lips together before sucking in a deep breath, now having to put in a lot more effort to not bawl his eyes out.
"Exes? We've all had them, some good, some worse than the other," Felix continued. "I think your exes have in some way shaped you into who you are, you learn good things from them, you learn how to not be the biggest asshole ever from them. The point is, even if you've been in many relationships, you've taken something away from every single one of them. And I'll love you for the person that you are, even after all the ups and downs, all the terrible breakups and mutual ones."
Love? "I've never fallen in love before either," Hyunjin said. "All those relationships, I don't know who I was trying to please, a version of myself I thought I needed to be for them. But I've never fallen in love." Except for you. Hyunjin held back, even though he knew Felix wouldn't be reacting to it in a wrong way. Some irrational fear still stopped him.
But somehow, Felix knew. Hyunjin doesn't know how he did, how he himself was so sure of that, but Felix knew.
"I'll teach you how to fall in love," Felix replied. "And I'll let you know, I'm a pretty hard person to not fall in love with." Hyunjin could read inbetween the lines, and could hear the unsaid words: I'll wait till you're ready to say it.
Hyunjin was officially crying now, regardless of how hard he had tried not to. "I guess that's true," he said with a sniffle.
"Are you crying?" Felix asked, voice slightly quivering.
"Yeah."
"So am I."
Hyunjin turned his head to see Felix staring back at him, tears glistening in his eyes, a smile playing on the end of his lips. Hyunjin wheezed first then let out a proper laugh, Felix following him till all that could be heard was giggles at eight in the morning. Jisung's definitely going to think we got possessed.
"Fuck you, Lee Felix!" he exclaimed as he scooted closer to the freckled boy.
"Wha- what did I do wrong here?" Felix asked in between laughs, fingers tucking away a strand of Hyunjin's hair that fell in front of his face.
"Everything," Hyunjin said, though there was no malice behind his words. He pulled Felix closer, hands wrapping around his waist, faces inches apart.
"Do you want to skip all our classes today?" Felix asked.
"You do realize that our dance teacher is going to be furious."
"You didn't say no!"
"Fine. I guess I'll stay in bed with you the whole day."
"We could binge watch the entirety of Business Proposal that we never finished," Felix said.
"I think that's the most romantic thing you've ever suggested, but…" Hyunjin drew out the but.
"But? Wait don't tell me-"
"I might've finished it like one or two weeks ago," Hyunjin said. He watched Felix’s mouth open in protest, and immediately rushed to defend his actions. "Hey, can you blame me? I was bored and I had absolutely nothing to do."
"Finish your assignments obviously, you idiot!" Felix said in turn. "Well? You still have pending assignments, don't you?"
Hyunjin almost began to argue before realizing Felix was absolutely right. "You know me too well, I'm afraid."
"Exactly. So you know what we should do? Have you sit down and finish your assignments."
"Gods, no, that's my worst nightmare."
"Or, I guess…" Felix began before quickly pressing his lips to Hyunjin’s in a short kiss, then pulling away just as fast.
"What?"
Felix giggled. "Nothing. Just wanted to kiss you."
Hyunjin felt his cheeks flush, tips of his ears probably rapidly reddening as if they had been set on fire. No matter how many things changed, he would still be blushing like a fool for Lee Felix. "You're so cute. And pretty, like, really pretty," he said. "Oh, you have no idea how good it feels to say that out loud."
"No way, I thought I was the only one, but you too?" Felix said, beaming widely.
"How long have you been pining?" Hyunjin asked.
"I don't know. A month, maybe a bit more?"
"Me too." Hyunjin was beginning to discover that his and Felix’s journey towards how they'd gotten here today might be very similar.
After a pause, Felix asked, "Would you want to go out somewhere? Find some good place to sit, under blooming cherry blossoms. I could read a book, you could paint, we could lie down and just talk about everything."
"Yes!" Hyunjin exclaimed, far too excitedly then tried to tone it down. "I mean, yeah, that would be cool, or whatever."
Felix smiled knowingly, staring up at the ceiling while his hands played with Hyunjin’s.
After another pause, "Wait so, like, we're…dating now, right?" Hyunjin asked.
"Oh my god, Hyune-"
"No, I just want confirmation!" He quickly clarified.
"Do you want me to formally ask you out? Because I can-"
"No, no, that's not necessary."
"I'll do it anyway," Felix said, taking in a deep breath before trying to put on a poker face. "Can you date me? And I mean, for real this time. Not fake dating. Not to stop people from setting me up with others. But because we actually want to be with each other. Can you date me, Hwang Hyunjin?"
"Yes. I'll be your boyfriend, Lee Felix. For real this time."
"For real."
⋆⁺₊⋆ ☀︎ ⋆⁺₊⋆
your past and mine are parallel lines
stars all aligned, they intertwined.