Chapter Text
Chapter 2
After their conversation in the morning, Sid had helped Eugene clean up after breakfast and they went out to try and enjoy the day. Although both men suspected they each had more to say on the subject, neither could really bring themselves to disrupt whatever peace they’d managed to find and start the fight all over again. Eugene took him to the university for a tour and many times throughout the day Sid found himself wanting to ask Eugene one of the million questions running through his head, but he didn’t. At the sciences building, walking through the bustling halls, he’d look at Eugene’s profile from the corner of his eye, open his mouth, and then close it again. Strolling across the campus greens he’d stare at Eugene’s back, working up the nerve to say something, and then shake his head and jog to catch up with Eugene’s longer stride. Sitting across from him at Eugene’s favourite diner near the school he ripped up empty sugar packets and thought of ways to phrase his questions that wouldn’t sound ignorant or offensive, but he never gave them voice. It didn’t matter he decided. What could he say? He saw that Eugene was trying to move past their argument from the morning, but he knew that it wasn’t entirely resolved for either of them. Eugene had made his best effort throughout the afternoon. Walking him through the work he was doing at the university, his hands waving about with his excitement. Pointing out the different bird calls they heard throughout their walk of the campus. Introducing him to some of his fellow classmates and friends. All this time though, it was this thing hanging over them. Maybe it always would be. Sid wondered if maybe he was going about this the wrong way. Was there really a resolution to be found? Eugene had made it pretty clear what he wanted from him. Did that mean it was now up to Sid to decide where to go?
When Snafu got home Sid felt his tension ratchet up another notch. Knowing how to behave around Eugene all day had been difficult enough, but now this? Knowing how to behave around Eugene and Snafu, as Eugene Sledge and Merriell Shelton, the couple? That was entirely new territory for him. He felt caught between not wanting to offend Eugene, and the things he had always been told were right and wrong.
Snafu had come home and seemed to be testing the atmosphere, anxious about where things had been left after this morning. Seeing that it appeared that they had gone back to “not talking about it” he relaxed some and settled in to making dinner.
Sid watched the way they interacted as they prepared dinner together. Shelton had come home with pork chops and was currently preparing them to be fried up while Eugene cut potatoes. The kitchen was small at best, cramped at worst, but they maneuvered around each other with practiced ease.
Sid watched as Snafu leaned against the counter, crossing his arms and tilting his head to the side, eyeing up the small mountain of potatoes building next to Eugene. “You cut anymore ah them potatoes Sledge and we gonna be eatin’ taters every meal fo’ the next month.” He drawled, leaning forward and putting his hand over Eugene’s on the knife. Eugene gripped the handle tighter briefly before looking up and meeting Shelton’s gaze.
“Right, sorry.” He mumbled.
An unreadable emotion flickered over Shelton’s face and he stepped forward, still covering Eugene’s hand, and placed his free hand gently on Eugene’s lower back. “S’okay. Lots we can do wit’ potatoes. I’ll make some of them potato pancakes my Ma used to make.”
Eugene laughed and if Shelton noticed a slight shake in it, he didn’t say anything. “Aren’t those supposed to be made with sweet potatoes?”
Snafu shrugged and turned back to the pork chops. “Snafu knows how to imp-roh-vise Sledgehamma’” he threw over his shoulder, winking at Eugene.
Sidney watched the exchange with a growing sense of unease and shame. He didn’t know what to make of any of it, least of all his own feelings.
Dinner itself was tense. The food was amazing, Sidney had to admit that it seemed that Shelton had a gift for cooking. Not that he’d ever say that to his face - not that he thought that Shelton would want to hear it, even if he could say it to his face. The conversation however was lacking. Sidney politely complimented the meal, asked about Snafu’s day at work. In general, they made small talk. It was terrible. Shelton was not especially gifted at small talk, he seemed to barely tolerate it, and as for Eugene...Sidney had never expected to have to make small talk with Gene.
There was a time when he would have said he knew Eugene better than anyone, and that Eugene knew him just as well. Now, sitting across from this man, he realized he barely knew him at all. He bore a resemblance to the old Gene and Sidney could see the threads of his childhood best friend twined throughout this new person. His lopsided smile, the way he ducked his eyes when he made a self deprecating joke, the teasing glint in his eyes when he poked fun at him or Shelton, but he realized he didn’t know this man. Not the way he used to. He knew the things anyone would know about Eugene. That he was passionate about conservation, that he wanted to complete his Master’s, but the things close to Eugene’s heart were now a mystery to Sidney. Was that Shelton’s fault or his own? Sidney didn’t know and he felt a general sadness settle over him.
***
After everyone went to bed, Sidney he couldn’t sleep. He lay there tossing and turning, ruminating over his confused and conflicted thoughts. Finally he cast a glance at the clock and saw it was 2 o’clock in the morning. Sighing he got out of bed and went to the living room, looking for something to distract himself. When he got to the living room, he found he wasn’t alone. Shelton was standing on the small balcony - it was really more of an extra large windowsill with a railing around it - off their living room, smoking. Sidney decided to join him. He went out on the ledge and rested his elbows on the railing. Shelton looked at him from the corner of his eyes and held his pack of smokes out. Sidney shrugged and took one.
“Couldn’t sleep?” Shelton asked.
Sidney shook his head. “No. I’ve got...a lot on my mind.”
Shelton hummed. “I bet.”
They stood in silence for a moment, staring at the stars and blowing smoke into the night to be carried away with the gentle breeze. Finally Sidney opened his mouth. “You cheated on Gene.” He was surprised to hear himself say. It wasn’t a question, it was a statement. Shelton gave him a long look but didn’t reply. “Gene didn’t tell me, if that’s what you’re wondering.”
Snafu shook his head. “I wasn’t.”
Sidney turned to face him directly. “Why?”
“Why what, Phillips?”
“Why’d you do it? Eugene says-” he paused and closed his eyes. “Eugene says he loves you. Says you love him too. So, why?” He opened his eyes to find that Snafu wasn’t looking at him.
He was leaning hard on his elbows, resting on the railing, staring out into the dark like he hoped to find an answer there. Finally he flicked his cigarette butt into that darkness and ran his fingers through his hair. “Why?” he repeated Sidney’s question. “Does it really matter why?” He still refused to meet Sidney’s eyes. “I couldn’t explain it any better ta you than I could ta him Phillips. Fucking why?” He laughed bitterly. “I don’t know Phillips. ‘Cause back then I hated myself, and I hated them and it was a good way to keep from thinking.” He sighed. “I tried ta leave Sledge ya know? I told him ta go, just leave, an’ he wouldn’t. Stubborn fucking bastard. An’ shit maybe I hated him a little bit for that too.” He shrugged. “For thinking there was something worthwhile in me when I didn’t.”
Sid nodded. “Yea, he does that.” Eugene always had had a habit of seeing the best in people. “How many times?”
“More’n once. Doesn’t mattah how many.”
“Women? Or...men?” Sidney found it difficult to ask that. He still wasn’t used to the idea that he could say these things.
Snafu finally turned to look at him. Assessing Sidney’s face. He was irritated by this line of questioning but he marvelled at the fact that he didn’t want to just punch Phillips in the jaw and be done with it. “Eugene’s making me soft.” He thought to himself. Snafu could tell that this wasn’t really what Sid wanted to talk to him about. He was just starting with the easy stuff - his anger with Snafu - and working his way up to something harder for him to verbalize. “Didn’t really mattah ta me Phillips, don’t know why it does to you.”
Sidney frowned and looked at the ground. “I don’t know either.” He flexed his hands and stared at them. Why did it matter to him? From that day that Eugene had confessed to him that he would be able to forgive someone for that kind of betrayal, Sidney had just known. He’d known that Snafu was the one who’d betrayed him in that way. So why was he suddenly so curious about it? He couldn’t say why he suddenly needed to know how many times and with who. As if that could help him make sense of why Eugene had forgiven him. Maybe if it had only been women? He thought to himself. Maybe then Eugene would have felt that, Snafu still desired women, he was just drawn to Eugene more, and Eugene could forgive that? Sid didn’t know. “I just don’t get it I guess. Why he trusts you, why he let you in. I used to really know him, you know? Now…” He shrugged. “I don’t know. He’s a stranger to me, and I guess blame you for that. So why you? You broke his trust, betrayed him, and he still chose you.” Over us, he didn’t say.
Snafu leveled him with a glare. “Phillips, I’m not tha’ reason you don’t know him anymo’. That’s on you.” He pulled out another smoke, lit it, and offered the pack to Sid again. Sid accepted. “Look, I’m no head shrinker, Phillips. I can’t give ya whateva’ yer looking for.” He considered Sidney while he took a drag off his smoke. “But I can say, I don’t think I’m the one yer really pissed with. Like I said, it’s on you boy. He changed, and instead ah changin’ with ‘im and gettin’ ta know this new person yer so pissed about, you got all whiny about tha shit you din’t have anymo’.” He chuckled sardonically. “You were so focused on where he shoulda been and who he shoulda been that you din’t see where he was, and who he was...well that ain’t my problem Phillips.”
Sid was conflicted. On the one hand, he was furious, who the fuck did Snafu Shelton think he was? On the other hand, maybe Snafu Shelton was the guy who was right. “Maybe, but none of that would have happened if it weren’t for you!”
At this, Shelton burst out laughing and had to cover his mouth with his hand until he could stop. “Shit Phillips! If you think that’s true, you must think I’m some fucking lay to just turn a man queer.”
Sid furrowed his brow and stared at the cigarette in his hand. “I don’t get what you mean…” he said, looking up into Shelton’s face.
“Yes you do. You know exactly what I mean. You’d just ratha’ pretend that this is all my fault.” He tapped Sidney on the forehead. “Easier’n havin’ ta question all them good Sunday school stories you been taught.” He smiled, genuinely, and flicked his finished cigarette over the railing. “Gene gave you a choice Sid. I can’t say it was all that fair, an’ I always did tell ‘im not to make you and his family choose. Then again, you did push first, an’ you didn’t leave him much of a choice either. So, you make yer choice Sid.” With that said, Snafu turned and left, heading into his shared room with Eugene.
It was the longest conversation Sidney had ever had with Shelton. The most honest conversation too. He thought back to those first days after Eugene came home. He knew that it was difficult to readjust to life after coming home, but he was still hopeful that everything would go back to the way it had been. He had daydreams of him, Mary, and Eugene spending time together. Mary going on to Eugene about her plans for the wedding, Eugene smiling patiently and listening to every word. He imagined how Eugene would come and steal him away from the dreadful wedding planning and they’d run off and act like teenagers. They’d go to movies together, just the three of them, and eat popcorn and giggle and they’d forget the war and the terrible things they did and saw. Those things didn’t happen though. Eugene would spend days at a time by himself, wandering his parents estate. He fought Sid every time Sid would bring up a dance or gathering for the young people. He was always polite with Mary, but withdrawn, never engaging fully in conversation. Sid remembered those horrible months, watching Eugene slip away, and then he remembered when Eugene had shown up at his house, driving the noisiest, ugliest truck Sid had ever seen. Eugene’s eyes were alive, his laugh came more freely and his smile was sincere. Sidney remembered that that was the beginning of Eugene talking almost non-stop about his friend Snafu Shelton. At the time Sid had been slightly jealous - that this stranger had been able to bring Eugene out of the deep depression clouding his life - but mostly happy. Standing on that small ledge in Florida Sidney remembered a conversation he’d had with Shelton almost four years ago. He told Shelton how Eugene just needed to find a woman. He’d come home and found Mary, and she’d helped soothe his wounds, and now Eugene needed that. Now Sid realize he was wrong. He’d already started to get Eugene back, and that was thanks to Snafu, Gene hadn’t needed to find a girl to find his life again, he’d already started to find it. Snafu was right. Gene had gotten better and found new passions and dreams and it had happened all right in front of his face, but he was too busy being concerned about what he thought Eugene was missing out on to see it.
For the first time since he’d arrived, Sidney felt settled. Having made a decision, he closed the sliding doors to the balcony behind him and went to bed.
***
The next morning he was up before anyone else in the house. He sprang out of bed and hurried to the kitchen. He began rummaging through the contents of the cabinets before he realized, he had no idea what he was doing. He had never really cooked a day in his life, and he honestly wasn’t sure if he wanted to humiliate himself any further in front of Eugene and Shelton.
He was standing in the kitchen, debating what to do with himself when he heard the floor creak behind him.
“G’morning Phillips. Whatcha doin’?”
He turned around, “I was going to make breakfast for everyone.” He said sheepishly. “But I realized. I don’t have a clue how to do that.”
Shelton laughed. “Surely all yer schooling has prepared ya to make some toast at least!” Sidney blushed and shrugged. “Don’t worry about it. Gene can barely cook too. I swear, you rich Southern boys wouldn’t last a day on yer own.”
He pushed passed Sidney and shooed him out of the kitchen and began collecting the things to make coffee. “No seriously, Shelton, I wanted to do something nice for you. Both of you.”
Shelton froze with his back to Sidney. “Well, if yer dead set on it, lemme at least make some coffee then you can take us for breakfast.” He apparently considered that settled and returned to the task at hand.
While the coffee was on the stove brewing, Sidney and Shelton had both returned to their rooms to get ready for the day. Sidney heard Eugene up and moving about, water running in the bathroom, the door next to his opening and closing, opening and closing. When he finally came out, both men were standing in the kitchen, dressed and ready for the day, and pouring themselves a mug of coffee. Eugene smiled at him and pushed a mug across the counter towards him. “I hear you’re taking us out. Breakfast is on you!”
Sidney nodded and took the offered mug. “Yea, but, before we go, there’s something I wanted to say.”
Eugene and Shelton exchanged a glance and Sidney saw Snafu turn to retrieve his cigarettes and give them some privacy. Sidney put his hand out and stopped Shelton as he tried to pass him. “No, I wanted to say it to the both of you.”
They exchanged another glance and then Eugene turned to him. “Alright Sid, what is it?”
Sid saw the look of apprehension on Eugene’s face and felt awful. Eugene was steeling himself for Sidney to say some truly awful things to him. Is that what all his silence had said to Eugene? That’s not what he’d wanted it to mean. He’d meant it to be...some sort of acceptance. He hated that Eugene could even think that he’d turn his back on him. “I wanted to say I’m sorry.” Both men stared at him, their faces a perfect picture of surprised. “I’ve been an idiot. Shelton, you were right.” Eugene smiled and cocked an eyebrow at Snafu. “I wasted so much time being wrapped up in myself, and my own stubbornness and blaming you for taking him away from us. I wasted all this time feeling like we’d lost you, Gene, and just wanted you to have what I have, and I didn’t even realize that you did.” Sidney blushed and ducked his face. This was the hardest thing he’d ever had to say. “I was so worried about what other people would think of you, and I didn’t even think about how I was making you feel. I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you.”
Eugene was stunned. This was more than he’d ever hoped for. “Are you…serious?”
Sidney nodded. “Yes. You’re my best friend. I know your heart, and it’s good, and I should never have cared about the rest.” Before he could even finish Eugene had covered the distance between them and thrown his arms around Sid’s neck. Both men felt like a weight had been lifted from them.
Behind them, Shelton coughed. “Alright well, if yer both done talking ‘bout yer feelings, can we go and get some chow? I believe there was talk of Dr.-to-be here payin’?”
Eugene drew back from Sidney and rolled his eyes. “Don’t mind Snafu. That’s his way of saying he’s glad you’ve come around.” Snafu glared at him but there was no real heat in it and Eugene reached out and took his hand in his own. “Alright, let’s go.”
***
By the time Sidney’s visit was at a close, and Eugene was dropping him off at the train station, he felt that a long open wound had finally closed. He had been reacquainted with his best friend, and it was true, he didn’t know Eugene better than anyone anymore. Eugene didn’t know him that way anymore either. Sidney took his seat on the train with a small smile on his lips. They both had partners, loves, who took those roles now. They both had someone in their lives who loved them more than anyone else, and Sidney was grateful. It had been a good vacation.