Chapter Text
He let out a bittersweet laugh. Who did he want to fool, honestly? He did know, in a way, that his addiction was getting worse. And he cared, despite what everyone seemed to think, but due to his family's disturbances, perhaps he was better off high.
He didn't want to disturb Han, the boy didn't deserve that, and he had already dumped so much shit on him over the years. So even if his friend already knew everything, Hyunjin would always try to appear better, even though the youngest knew the truth anyway.
“I’m being serious, Hyun. Are you using it again?” While they were walking towards Han’s house, Jisung kept his worried voice as he observed Hwang’s tired and disoriented eyes.
“Nah, don’t worry, Hannie, it was just a few candies.” Hyunjin gave a forced smile.
“You always say that” Mumbled the youngest.
“But I swear this time it really was just candy, Han”
Jisung didn’t believe his friend but he tried not to show it, deciding instead to just keep quiet and keep walking with his hands in his pocket. Hyunjin thought it was better off this way, as his headache was eating away his will to keep talking. He was genuinely so tired, even if that was the first nightmare free night in so long. Not being able to decide if this was good or not, he opted to think it was odd for sure.
The walk towards the youngest’s apartment was a long one. The boy couldn’t afford to rent one near college, in reality, he could barely afford the small loft he lived in. Hwang had already tried to persuade him into accepting help, money wasn’t a problem for Hyunjin and Jisung knew, but always refused the offer. The youngest was afraid he would never be able to pay back, even if the oldest would never demand the money back.
However, Hyunjin always found a way to help him anyway. The brunette would ask his friend to do a few chores around his house that he would refuse to do himself, like cleaning the bathroom or sweeping the kitchen’s floor. The payment was certainly a lot higher than what other places would offer.
They arrived at the shabby apartment complex, its appearance disgusted Hyunjin, but it was still better than his own house. Obviously, not in terms of comfort or looks, but in how it felt. This one felt like a genuine home.
They took the stairs even though the old building had functional elevators. It was because Jisung was deadly scared of them, always saying they were old and could fall anytime. Hyunjin doubted that, but he knew better than to question his friend. The truth was that Han was afraid of dying and leaving his parents to fend for themselves and Hyunjin knew it.
The apartment door opened with a loud squeak, and Hyunjin took the opportunity to jump in the sofa-bed, ignoring Jisung’s complaints about ‘bad guests not taking off their shoes' or something like that. He let out a sigh, tired, while putting his hands behind his head and taking a look around.
Hwang brought the best lamp in the market last time he visited. He wasn’t sure it was being used because the room was still poorly lit. Hyunjin thought the apartment looked terrible, always one to enjoy clear and clean environments, a direct contrast of how he viewed himself. He shook his head, trying to get those thoughts out of his brain, deciding to focus on the (honestly exaggerated) amount of pictures adorning the walls.
There were some pictures with Hyunjin. He could barely remember when they were taken, probably too high to focus. He felt a sharp twinge of guilt, but mostly, he was happy that Han was so fond of him. Those that did not involve him, were the ones he took with his family, they were so picture-perfect, happy and close. Hwang couldn’t remember what that was anymore and it made him both nostalgic and jealous, but he was always happy for Jisung.
Sometimes he would wonder just how bad Han’s family’s finances were back in his hometown, a small city in a rural area, if their son who worked a lot was living like this. The boy had to leave them behind in order to study in a prestigious college, searching for a better future for all of them. He let out a small laugh, remembering just how out of picture the boy was when he arrived, from his clothes to his mannerisms, everything screamed countryside. Also, he used to be such a crybaby. Their friendship was truly unexpected, both of them couldn't be more opposites.
“How are your parents, Han? Is your father feeling better?” Hyunjin closed his eyes, trying to relax. He didn’t like to talk about those things, but he wanted to be present for Jisung. It was the bare minimum he could do, and Han always deserved better.
“Well, things are the same as always. Financially, I mean. Ah, but my dad is getting better! His treatment is finally working. Mommy is so happy” Han’s smile was blinding, and Hyunjin felt genuinely happy for his friend. “What about your mother? Any news?”
“Same as always” His response came out weak and although he tried to keep a neutral expression, he couldn’t help but to look away.
Jisung took that as a sign to move on from that topic, which Hyunjin was grateful for. It wasn’t like he didn’t want to tell his friend the developing news regarding the worsening of his mother’s cancer, but he knew he wouldn’t be able to hide his jealousy.
They had been friends since day one of their college days, bonding over shared interests, but their connection truly grew and became gorilla glue strong when they talked about their parents' sickness. Han’s father had prostate cancer and Hyunjin’s mother had thyroid cancer, originally. Match made in hell. And as much as Hwang knew how sad and complicated Jisung’s situation was, he couldn’t help but notice that, over time, his mother’s cancer only got worse, never better. Their situation just got different over time.
Han laid, facing Hyunjin, in the small space the brunette left in the sofa-bed. “Are you going to tell me what happened last night?”
“Tell you what? I already told you everything, I went to the clock tower and slept there”.
“Hyun, you were literally just at the bottom of the stairs.” Jisung said flatly, but carefully. Hwang hated that, it made an uncomfortable feeling rise. How much did it cost for someone to actually believe his word for once?
“Hannie, there is a room there. Y'know, with a janitor and all. There are even some decorations, a table and a few chairs, shit lighting and a sofa” The brunette said as if it was obvious, making sure to open his eyes only to roll them back.
“Sofa? What the fuck are you talking about? There is nothing like that in there and certainly there is no janitor”.
“What? Of course there is, it’s a cute and blond one. He even let me sleep there.”
When Hyunjin finally looked at Han properly, he saw the shocked expression his friend had. It was obvious the younger one didn't believe him, but he couldn’t understand why. He was the one that lived it all, he knew what he was talking about. He wasn’t crazy.
“Hyun, you were out of your mind” And there it was.
“I wasn’t! Don’t you believe me?” Something triggered in Hyunjin, and he got closer than necessary to Han’s face.
“How will I believe you if you spend half of your time completely out?!” The minute those words left his mouth, Jisung knew that maybe he had been rougher than what Hyunjin could handle.
“Then go fuck yourself!” In Hwang’s vision, he knew he deserved that treatment from Han, but he couldn’t help himself but to shout back.
“It’s okay, it’s okay. I believe you. You don’t need to leave” He had tried to get up from the sofa, but Jisung’s pleading eyes and soft voice stopped him. “I believe you”
He didn’t, that much was obvious, but Hyunjin knew that Han didn’t want to be left alone, and honestly, neither did he. Deciding to just accept things as they were, even if he was completely uncomfortable, he laid down again. Still better than at home, he guessed.
Once back at the sofa-bed, he started to reflect. It wasn’t his friend’s fault, Han did have a genuine argument. Hyunjin knew he spent too much time high and out of his mind, but he could swear he wasn’t so bad yesterday.
Things just weren’t as bad as they looked, so it was probably Han’s countryside mind that made him think they were. Damn country bumpkins.
Everything had looked so real. The blond boy had looked so real. I mean, yeah, it might have been a bit weird for someone so young to be a janitor, but he could be in the same situation that Han was. Maybe he needed a job, and although the living conditions weren't the best, money always spoke louder. Hyunjin knew that better than anyone, never one to give up his luxury. Also, Hwang could make a collection of poor and beautiful men that crossed his way and got weirdly attached to him.
He hadn’t even noticed his friend’s absence, too occupied thinking about that mysterious boy, who decided to live in his mind rent-free. With a cup of water in one hand and a few medicines in the other, Han came back approaching Hyunjin slowly.
“Here, you’re going to feel better with this” Jisung said with a small smile on his face.
Hwang didn’t answer, just forced a smile back and took the medicine. He hoped his headaches and nausea would go away soon. Maybe he could even sleep and not have those nightmares again. He could only hope.
But if you have hope, you better be prepared for the downfall, and Hyunjin never was. He didn’t know when he had fallen asleep, but he regretted allowing himself to do so. It was always something like this, he would always dream of himself dying.
The nightmares followed a theme, but they were always different between themselves. The setting would change, but the ending was the same every time.
He would die, never by his hands, and a presence would appear eventually. He couldn’t remember its face, but it would give him that nostalgic feeling, along with comfort. Perhaps it was some sort of curse, God knows his life seemed to be filled with those.
This time, the nightmare took place in a dark, dump and old space surrounded by walls that followed a straight line. He was running away, panting so much his chest hurt. He could feel blood dripping from his stomach, his hands automatically putting pressure on the wound. Before he realized it was a corridor, Hyunjin was already surrounded by light. Opening his eyes, he found himself in the middle of an auditorium’s stage.
His vision got blurry once a figure started approaching him. He felt his body give up, only to be placed gently on the floor by strong arms. Something wet went down his face, and he didn’t know whether those tears belonged to him or the figure.
He woke up, slowly raising his head, more tired and peeved than ever. The loud noise coming from the TV didn’t help his mood at all, and Jisung’s laughter made him want to die. He felt like an asshole for thinking like that, but he couldn’t help himself. On top of all that, he remembered that he still hadn’t made the sales for Bangchan and the feeling of panic started to arise, making him jump from the sofa-bed.
“What?! Ah, that scared me, man!” Jisung screamed and put his hand over his heart. “What is it?”
“I need to go” Hyunjin mumbled, a bit distracted, walking toward the kitchen to drink a cup of water.
“Already? But you barely slept.”
“Yeah, but I have to go”. Hwang said snappy, with his lips still touching the glass, before turning and walking to the door.
He didn’t wait for Jisung to say anything else, and left the apartment, running down the stairs.
It was already dark when he left the complex. Hyunjin went straight to one of his designated selling spots, near a prostitution corner. The street was dark, the only light came from adjacent streets, it was dirty and depressing.
Even though that place was disgusting, he felt comfortable there. In that hell, he was usually invisible to everyone, no one stopped to chat with a dealer. No one looked him in the eyes. The anonymity made him feel secure and forgotten.
This time, however, he wasn’t in his usual clothes. No way he could be anonymous.
He hadn’t gone home for almost two days, so he was still wearing his casual, luxurious clothes. Hyunjin only realized that fact once a car stopped by and offered him “The best night of his life”. God, he was too sober for this shit.
“Ha, so you’re the golden whore people were commenting about? I could swear I heard you say you’d prefer death to become one of us?” Right after the fourth car stopped in front of him, Jeongin appeared.
He understood, in a way, why Yang was always so crude with him. They met each other a few years ago, both acquaintances of the Chang couple, with Jeongin being one of Changbin’s prostitutes. The first thing that sly fox said to him was, “You could become the best luxurious whore without even trying”. Needless to say, punches were thrown.
“Don’t mistake me with your type of people” One day, Hyunjin was going to die because of his mouth. He hoped it wouldn't be today. “I’m trying to sell”
“Judging by the look on your face, you’re trying to sell what’s left” IN said as he lit a cigarette. “You’re not going to sell anything here today. The police did a round a few hours ago”.
That was just what Hyunjin needed to open the rest of the package right there.
Candy was one hell of a drug. The last thing he consciously remembers and that he is sure happened, was Yang looking at him worriedly, while walking towards a car. Not before taking a handful of candies. Asshole, he better pay his part later, Hyunjin’s money is precious y’know? Anyway, what’s with everyone giving him those glances, as if they were pitying a dog.
As his thoughts got more messy and angry, his legs started to walk faster, and before he could stop himself, the clock tower appeared once again. Hm, not that bad, he could prove to Han he was right about yesterday and show everyone he isn’t as high as everyone seems to think. He would either prove everyone right, or God might as well just kill him already.
But God shows no mercy to those that don’t deserve it. When he opened the door, Hwang came face to face with the blond figure once again.
“Welcome back, stray sheep” The boy said smiling, while putting his cup of tea back on the table.
“… You’re real” It was the only thing Hyunjin could say, not knowing whether that was good or not.
In response, the bond got up and in a blink of an eye showed up near Hyunjin’s face, uncomfortably close. The brunette felt himself flinch. “Reality depends on what a junkie like you even considers real.”
With an inhumane force, Felix held Hwang’s face, moving him closer, lips almost touching. “What do you think?”
Hyunjin didn’t know whether it was the effect of the drug or the presence of the boy in front of him, but he wanted to throw up. Time was going by too quickly, and he couldn’t follow what was happening, too focused but not focused enough. If there was a thing he knew for sure it was that in his 22 years of life, he had never seen such beauty. So raw, so intoxicating. He started shaking.
The blond let out a laughter that echoed over the tower as Hyunjin bent over to throw up pathetically. Between clenched teeth, trembling, and waves of nausea, everything the brunette could mumble was “You’re not real”.
“Oh, but I am!” Felix danced around the sickly boy, speaking in an angelic voice, “I am a nice demon, however. I eat your nightmares”.
This time, it was Hyunjin that let out a bubbly laughter. He was never a creative child growing up, but look at him now! Inventing demons! Hooray to drugs!
Not used to this sort of reaction, the blond started to pout, ceasing his laughter. ” Hey boy, you don’t believe me?”.
It happened so fast that Hyunjin had a hard time processing it. Suddenly, the blonde changed his appearance to look like Jeongin.
The figure crouched, putting his hands over his knees. He put his face closer to the brunette and said while using his friend's voice, “You stubbornly said you didn’t want to sell yourself, but I know just how close you are from this hell. Well, at least you got blowjob experience, don’t you?”
He was right, Hyunjin really was too stubborn, letting out a forced laugh and answering “Funny thing, coming from just a whore”
“Hm, like you’re any different.” The blond’s answer made Hwang laugh more, with distant eyes.
That definitely wasn’t the reaction Felix expected, far from that. It made a weird feeling grow in his chest. So, he decided to transform himself in Changbin.
“You think you’re so superior, so important when in reality, you’re nothing” Changbin got up, looking down at the brunette with scorn. “You say a mouth full of Jeongin, but he actually has someone that loves him”
And Hyunjin stayed silent, angering Felix once again. That wasn’t the reaction he wanted, the one he needed. Twisting his body, he became Bangchan.
“You see me as a father figure, when everything I do to you is throwing you to the wolves. The sole reason for your pathetic existence is to please others.” Chris crouched once again, holding Hyunjin’s face gently, as if the boy was made of porcelain. “But it’s not like you know what a true father is, right, champ?”
Giving no time for Hwang to react, Felix once again changed his form. This time, it was Hyunjin’s mother, Ji-yu. She was using a wheelchair and her face was a tired one, as if she had already given up on life. She was depressed and weak, and her eyes didn’t shine like they used to when Hyunjin was a kid.
“Maybe if you had been a better son for your father, maybe then I wouldn’t have suffered so much”. Ji-yu let out a weak laugh, lifeless. “Perhaps if you had endured quietly, even my sickness wouldn’t be as bad. It would be bearable.”
Furious with the lack of reaction once again, Felix became Han. His face was one of mischief.
“You want to be good enough to deserve love, but what makes you think even I would choose you as my first option? You’re nothing more than a junkie, arrogant, greedy and selfish sad boy.” He put his hand over his mouth, trying to stifle a laugh. “Those pictures at my house? Purely show off, what I need from you is money. That 's all”.
Calmly, Hyunjin raised his head and, for the first time, looked Felix directly in the eyes. They were golden and omnibus, the brunette noticed.
“Han would never say that to me. You’re not real”.
And so, Felix slowly got back to his original form. If his existence was denied by the only person that could currently see and talk to him, it was as if he didn’t in fact exist.
That thought made him furious. Who was this arrogant little junkie that thought he could just say that? In a matter of seconds, the blond figure exploded in a black matter, it was gooey, disgusting. It also had a lot of golden eyes and a few rings surrounding its body. Maybe that wasn’t even how his true form actually was, but it was what Hyunjin could distinguish in his mind.
The brunette looked at his hands in disbelief, eyeing the black matter all over his hands and arm. He put his hands over his face and slowly took out a chunk of the black goo, a chill running down his spine. It was almost as if he could hear pleading voices coming from the matter. He threw up immediately. It might not have been his imagination after all.
“Do you believe in me now?” The goo hadn't taken any other form yet, but Hyunjin knew that voice. It was familiar and terrifying. It talked in a gentle voice.
At that moment, the face of the voice passed through his mind. It made him stop dead in his tracks.
His sight got blurry, his throat closed, and he couldn’t breathe anymore. He crouched once again, placing his hands on the floor but couldn't feel the impact, as his hands and arms had already gone numb. He started to lose the movements of the rest of his body, his heart beating so fast it hurt. He shivered uncontrollably.
The black matter resumed Felix’s form. It was like the screaming and crying brunette in front of him was an usual occurrence. The small smile plastered on his face slowly got bigger and bigger, until he couldn't contain himself anymore, letting out a loud laugh. It echoed and came back as a crow’s call. It was deafening.
Felix got closer to the boy in fetal position on the floor, his laughter vanishing. He sat down and put the brunette's head on his lap, fondling his hair in a loving way. “Even if all the others throw you out, I will always be here for you”.
In a moment of emotional despair, Hwang hugged the blond’s torso. The demon’s heat was welcoming.
The last thing Hyunjin heard was Felix whispering, “I didn't even need to take that form to reap a spectacular dinner. Good sleep, dear”.
And Hyunjin passes out.