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Levi rested his forehead against the wall and willed the dread in his heart to begone.
She is laughing.
He had been working on yet another mountain of paperwork when the sound of some cadets having a bit too much fun hit his ear. Checking out the window he had seen the woman that was slowly stealing his heart sitting under one of the trees, with her shoulder resting against Mike’s and a few other members of the squad sitting and laughing at some joke. The boisterous giddiness was a common occurrence for groups coming down after an exhausting training exercise but with their Squad Leader right there to police them Levi had decided to leave them alone to their revelry. His eyes lingered on her though. The line of her side pressed against Mike, it was infuriating that Mike had gotten her over him. Then a burst of laughter had her falling over Mike in a laughing fit, hand swatting at a fellow squad member. Levi stepped to the side of the window were, with an audible thud, he rested his head on the wall.
Mike had asked her and she accepted before Levi had even been given the chance to speak. Erwin had even expressed a need for her to stay on Mike’s squad when Levi had attempted to have her transferred to his Specialty Squad. Her skill set made her ideal to place on one of the main combat squads, no question. The truth was she was the fastest of the cadets currently at their disposal and that meant Mike needed her more. She wasn’t the strongest or even all that spectacular with her blades but she was out and out the swiftest on horse or with gear. This meant she was best suited to be on point with Mike and relaying information to Erwin.
Levi had tried to at least have some training with her since her speed did leave her in a position of often backing up other squads before her own could catch up. Erwin yielded that having her train with the other squads was a good idea, but Levi still didn’t get her. Levi had pushed for his squad to be the first to work with her, only to have Hange’s squad get the initial rotation, then it was Nanaba, then back for more with Hange the lunatic. Worse still Erwin had taken her to assist him with his paper work during the hours she wasn’t training. Between the two sets of training and Erwin’s errands the woman rarely had a minute to herself.
The only time Levi had in her company was in the mess hall and that often left him with Mike, Hange, or even Erwin between them. On a few occasions even his own squad had managed to get in his way of sitting near her. The whole of the Scouting Regiment seemed determined to keep him from so much as properly greeting her at a meal. Still Levi tried to get in a word now and again.
The other night, she had chided Erwin for keeping her so late, the tea had gone cold. Levi had clicked his tongue in annoyance at Erwin and slid his fresh cup onto her saucer and taken her cold tea for himself. The cold tea was awful but he took solace in the elation he saw in her face over the hot tea he had just made. She had even thanked him and said he made the best tea in the whole regiment. It was a commonly known fact that Levi made the best tea, but Levi felt his heart swell a bit to hear she felt that way. He had spent the whole meal watching her as she obviously savored every sip of his intended beverage.
Stepping back in front of the window he looked out to see if they had moved on yet. She was now alone under the tree, back to the trunk, eyes closed. This was the first chance in months Levi had seen her alone. He had to take it, paperwork be damned. Grabbing any book off the shelf he headed for the quiet and restful spot many used to read, under the trees in the yard. Upon reaching the tree he half expected to find something to dash his hopes. Perhaps that Mike was back, Erwin had seen her and snatched her up for some filing, or that she had just left out of boredom. But there she was and the slumbering face before him was so peaceful he wondered if maybe he shouldn’t leave her to her rare moment of solitude. Standing statue still a meter from the restful shade Levi struggled with his ambivalence.
“You’re welcome to join me, as long you intend to be quiet, Captain.” A sweet voice called over to him. She was smirking up at him, one eye open to watch him.
“Tch, don’t be stupid. Who would be noisy while reading a book?” Levi started forward to sit under the tree. He mentally scolded himself for saying something harsh. He rarely ever talked to her alone, maybe she would be offended by him being so curt.
A soft chuff and a large grin spreading over her face told him no harm was done. “You have met Hange, right? How a person can make a ruckus -breathing- is beyond me, but the Squad Leader manages somehow.” Both her eyes were closed again, nap ready to get back under way.
As Levi settled himself against the tree. She adjusted slightly and her shoulder ended up resting against his. The thin line of contact left his heart a flutter. Only now did he look at which book he had pulled from his shelf. ‘The History of the Underground Capital’ was a book that Petra had gotten him for his last birthday. Any other book off his shelves would have been preferable or even one of Hange’s repetitive reports that rambled on and on about titans. Levi had appreciated the thought behind the gift, but truth was he didn’t like thinking about his past. The book was meant to be Petra’s subtle way of saying she had heard about his life before the Scouts, and that she was interested in knowing more. Levi hadn’t so much as cracked the spine of the thing, he just didn’t want to have that part of his past dredged up. He missed them too much, his fallen friends.
Keeping the book closed instead, Levi closed his eyes and relaxed into the line of warmth along his arm. Her body slumped slightly and head gently lulled to the side. Minutes passed as gravity pulled her sleeping head onto his shoulder. Slowly Levi let his own head slid over to rest against her’s. The moment was blissfully still, like time was slowing to let him enjoy the chance encounter that might never be repeated. A soft mumbling next to him let Levi know she was dreaming.
“Don’t… You’ll get him dirty… Kill us all…” He heard her mutter clearly. Other bits followed but he couldn’t quite make it out. “Mike, enough.” Her tone made the words sound snarled. A fight with Mike? Levi was slightly curious what she was dreaming about now. She would never normally have a tiff with Mike. After several minutes with no more sleep-talking comments a shiver against his shoulder brought Levi back from drifting toward slumber.
“Levi.” The way she said his name made his eyes shoot open. Her utterance was a sultry purr. Looking at her restful expression he was convinced she was still sleeping and let his eyes close once again. After a few more long minutes of silent slumber a slight whimper escaped her mouth. “Levi?” This time there was a hint of fear in the way she said his name. “Levi?!” Now he could hear full panic in her voice.
“Oi, brat, wake up!” Levi reached across her to gently shake her shoulder. She struggled slightly and made a loud whining whimper that sent Levi’s heart pounding in concern. A nightmare, she was definitely having a nightmare, and he was in it. “Hey, open you eyes, you’re having some shitty dream!” Levi had shifted to take both her shoulders in his hands, trying once more to wake her with a firm couple shakes. Her rag doll body started to tremble as a tear trailed down her cheek.
“Shit, wake up damn it! Let me see those lovely eyes.” He growled out in frustration. Not wanting to batter her but feeling an urgency in waking her, he racked his mind on what to do. He held one of her shoulders firmly and cupped her face with his other hand, softly wiping the tear from her cheek. He leaned in and whispered in her ear, “Open your eyes, damnit. I can’t bear to see you hurting like this. Just wake up, please!”
The fervent plea seemed to finally reach her as she jolted up, arms grabbing onto Levi as if she could physically fall back into the nightmare if she didn’t have something to hold onto. Wrapping his arms around her, Levi pulled her closer so that she was nearly settled across his lap. Clutching at any part of him she could, one hand had found it’s way to a fistful of his shirt at his waist while the other had a death grip on his coat’s collar. Her face was buried in the crook of his neck and judging by the dampness of her cheeks she was crying a great deal harder.
“Shh, it’s okay now. I have you. You’re safe now. It’s alright.” Levi purred sweetly into her hair. Her body seemed to be trying to climb up him or maybe even into him, in an attempt to escape the nightmare. The verdant open area of the yard felt too exposed to offer proper shelter to the panicked creature in his arms. Scooping her up with relative ease Levi started for his office.
After struggling slightly to open the door, Levi didn’t bother to try and close it softly. Instead a swift kick closed the door with a slam. Levi walked to the couch and settled them both down on it, adjusting his grip so that she was more sitting across him than on the couch. Her frantic sobs had begun to calm on the walk to the office and now settled into a soft flutter against his neck. With his arm that supported her back he held onto her, pressing her to his chest. His other hand was in her hair, his thumb feather soft brushing her jaw.
“Captain, I’m sorry. I… It was an awful nightmare. I just can’t seem to shake it.” She was whispering into his neck, her lips brushing his skin ever so lightly. “Could I…” She trailed off, her breath once again getting shaky.
“Easy, calm down. You can stay like this as long as you need, brat. I have you. You’re safe here.” His tone was more demanding than consoling. He hated his lack of social skill. He wondered how to help her, how best to convey his desire to chase away her fears.
“Captain, you don’t have-“
“Tch, Levi. Call me Levi.” He barked. “And you’re right I don’t have to. I want to though, so shut up.” Yet again Levi bit his tongue for speaking so harshly when all he wanted was to sooth her.
“Thank you, Levi. Thank you.” Her voice broke as she spoke, more tears erupting from her clinging form. Her arms moved to try and take him in a more proper hug and he adjusted his hold to accommodate her. Her legs also moved to let her waist change from the awkward angle but ended up leaving her little choice but to straddle his lap.
Levi felt his heart ache to have her so close yet knew they were still so far apart. Here she was cradled in his arms, face buried in the crook of his neck, her warm breath tickling his hair, and yet he was only her comrade in arms, not even really to be counted among her close friends. Maybe now though, maybe this would be his way to get her to see him as more than just her fellow soldier.
“Did you want to talk about the nightmare? Might help you shake free of it.” He didn’t want to force her to speak about it if it was too much for her but it bothered him that his name was the last thing she said and there was such fear in it. Was it fear of him or for him? He wanted to be sure it hadn’t been a dream of him harming her. If it had, he had to do something, anything to fix it.
“At first the dream was kind of nice. My squad and I were on our way to met up with Squad Leader Mike for exercises. When we arrived at the course you were there with Mike and the two of you were arguing. Suddenly Mike lunged at you and you two started brawling. I mean rolling around on the ground pounding into each other fighting. We broke you guys up but Mike shouted that you wouldn’t get his help or the help of his squad and stormed off.” She seemed at ease, almost amused at the image in her mind.
“Mike told us to come with but you asked me to hold up a minute. You explained that you needed my help with something but that you couldn’t really explain what. I wasn’t sure why my Squad Leader would refuse to help you, I can’t picture Mike ever just telling you off for no reason. I knew that if you were asking for help, you needed it and that it would be important.” Levi tried to meet her eyes but she kept her gaze on the wall behind him.
“We were using our gear to go through the wooded training grounds when a downpour started. You said we should try for some cover in one of the supply roosts but as we went the weather turned even worse. We were caught in a sleet storm getting soaked through by the time we reached cover. I was so cold, I was shivering so much. You… then you… because I was so cold…” She trailed off.
“I insisted on warming you up?” Levi offered.
“Yeah, you were trying to keep me from ‘catching my shitty death of stubbornness’.” She let out a short chuckle. Her chin still rested on his shoulder, but he caught a slight dusting of pink on her profile. “We were... I was…” Her voice once again starts to tremble. Here it was, the down turn into nightmare. “The roof was torn wide open by five titans. We jumped to action to try and get away but then you… and I tried to… I tried-“ A heartbreaking sob interrupted her and Levi could guess what would happen next.
“The titans kill me, killed you, and ate us.” Levi’s spoke in his normal bored tone, letting no emotion tint his words about their envisioned doom.
“Yes.” She choked out, hysterics back underway. Her whole body was trembling above him, as if she were really soaked through from the rain of her dream. This was a horrific reality many had witnessed, one of squad mates devoured right in front of them. She wasn’t the first to dream her own death. The concern was if it haunted her too much, it might stall her on the field.
“We might get eaten by titans someday, it’s true. That is the life we have chosen for ourselves.” Great Levi, that is very comforting. How could he be so impossibly bad at comforting a person he had interest in? “You can’t let that get to you though. You can’t let that start to drag you down, slow you down. You are fast and skilled and you have a strong squad behind you. You won’t go down easy. More over, even if I fall right in front of you, even if you were the last one standing, I know you wouldn’t give up. You would continue to press onward and fight for all those who had fallen. I promise you, even if I can’t save you, I won’t let you’re sacrifice be for nothing. I will push onward for you, because of you.” Levi silently chided himself, that was nowhere near as comforting as he had wanted it to be.
Just then a gust of wind sent a blast of rain against the office window, startling the occupants. Neither had noticed the downpour that had started outside the window. As the weather started to get even worse Levi could feel the shaking of her fragile form escalating as well. This was bad, he had to help her calm down or she would be losing sleep for weeks over this. He had seen this in other soldiers. The breakdown could ruin them, throw them off so badly that they hesitated while on an expedition, that it would in essence cost them their lives.
Gently he began rubbing her arms to try and get her a little warmer. Looking to his Scouting Regiment cloak he considered getting up to grab it and cover her with it. Getting up seemed a risky idea though, and he really didn’t want to have her get off his lap, selfish as that reasoning was. Shifting forward ever so slightly he made enough room to slip off his coat and wrap it over her shoulders. While he could tell it was helping to warm her slightly, the trembling started to get worse. “Tch, did I cover you with my coat in that shitty dream?” Levi couldn’t contain the annoyance of the dream making such a caring gesture the absolute wrong action.
A weak nod into his neck was all she could manage. “Damn it. Look this is not some crap omen. Don’t let yourself be a superstitious idiot, understood?” Another weak nod told him he was heard but he didn’t seem to reach her. “Alright. Well then, did I get us tea in your dream?”
“No, but you don’t need to-“
“Shut it, brat.” Levi rolled her from his lap, removing his coat from her shoulders and tossing it over the back of his desk chair.
“Stay.” Was all Levi offered as he went into his bedroom, where a few small rustles could be heard. He returned to the conjoined office with his comforter in tow. Wrapping the thick cover around her he nodded once. “You will stay put and I am going to get us some tea. You aren’t going anywhere until I get you free of the afterimage of that nightmare.”
Levi left the office and moved with swift determination to the kitchen to make a fresh pot of tea for them. Through one of the windows he saw the tree she had hours earlier been sitting under laughing. A sudden flash of recollection stopped Levi at the window. The book. He had left the book to carry her into his office. At this point it must have been ruined. Looking to his coatless arms Levi knew he couldn’t go out there and come back in the very image of the man that was eaten by a titan in her nightmare. It was a small blessing that he hadn’t really wanted to read the book. He would feel guilty if Petra ever asked after it but to say the book had been destroyed after being forgotten in a freak rainstorm wouldn’t be as hurtful than admitting he just never intended to read it.
Once in the kitchen Levi set to work making tea. For most this would only take as long as boiling water but for the Captain it also entailed re-doing dishes, sorting the tea leaves, and ‘properly’ cleaning the counters upon finishing the process. Fifteen minutes later Levi returned to his office, tray with tea in hand.
Placing the tray on his desk he looked to the heap of covers that was splayed on the couch. Lifting up one corner than the other, Levi tossed the duvet over the back of the couch with a huff. Gone. Where had she fled to? Had she been too upset to sit and wait for him to return? Had he been away so long she panicked and went to hide in her dorm?
The sound of soggy wet footsteps made Levi turn around to his open door. There the cadet stood, drenched from head to toe. Water was pooling onto his floor from the woman who looked half drown. Levi couldn’t be sure from the water trickling from her hair over her face but he suspected she was crying once again.
“Captain, I am so very sorry. When you brought me in you forgot your book. With the rain coming down so hard, by the time I got to it, it was-“
“You idiot, I remembered the book before I went to the kitchen. I figured it was already ruined and didn’t want to risk getting drenched for it. Now look at you making a mess of my floor.” The look on Levi’s face was slightly morose. “Well, we need to do something about the dripping. Start getting those boots off, leave them by the door. Just leave the book on the desk.”
With urgency Levi grabbed a few hangers, a wash basin, one of his clean shirts, and a fist full of towels and tossed them on his bed. Going back to his office he grabbed her arm and dragged her into his bedroom. “You are going to get out of those clothes, put them on these hangers. The hangers then go on that coat rack there and you will put on this shirt. Be sure all the wet clothes are over this basin to catch the dripping, clear? You will then climb in the bed to cover yourself up the rest of the way. Once you are covered up you will call over telling me it’s okay to enter and we will get you warmed up with some hot tea. Understood?”
“Yes, but sir-“
“That’s an order cadet. Now stop dripping on my damn floor.” Turning on his heel Levi exited the room and waited for her to tell him she was covered up. Seeing the comforter on the couch Levi expected it would be needed to help warm the half frozen woman he hoped was climbing into his bed. As he went to collect the fluffy duvet for her, a loud crash came from his bedroom. Slowly closing his eyes and pinching the ridge of his nose, Levi could only guess at how she had managed to create the ruckus. “Did you hurt anything, brat?”
“Only my pride.” She called through the slightly ajar door.
“May I come in?” Levi paused at the door waiting to give her a chance to tell him to stay out.
“I guess, just don’t judge me.” She sighed out. He could hear the exhaustion in her voice. The cover still in hand Levi came in to see the poor thing still on the floor, towel askew on her head, legs still shaking after she apparently slipped and fell unceremoniously on her rump.
“For someone I know to be so skilled and agile you have managed to hide the fact you are also a massive cluts. I’m impressed.” Levi could hardly keep from having a smirk take over his face.
As wobbly legs tried to reset themselves under a trembling body, Levi was sure this was just going to go badly again. “Oi, wait, wait, let me help you, stupid. I don’t need you braking your neck in my bedroom. I have enough paperwork.” Kneeling down Levi scooped up for a second time in one day the woman he desperately wanted to make his own. Gently he slid her between his bedsheets. Wrapping the comforter around her once again Levi went to grab the tray holding their hot drinks from his desk.
Returning to the room, he placed the tray on his nightstand. Pouring two cups, he handed one to her and took the second as his own. As she sipped the steaming tea, Levi tried to think of what to do next. Talking more about the minuscule odds of titans wandering into the training grounds was out. The fact that going outside the walls once again was in both their fast approaching futures made talking about not getting eaten seem disingenuous. Praise for her skills might bolster her slightly about any coming challenges but would do little at the present. This cadet cared little for praise, always looking more for constructive critique than ego stroking.
Pulling himself from his head, Levi looked over at her, taking in the view he up to now had only dreamed. Tangled in his sheets, her form covered only by his shirt, rosy cheeked face framing her gorgeous eyes, that locked with his. After struggling to think of anything to say and coming up with nothing, Levi instead broke the gaze to fill her drained cup of tea.
Silently he cursed his social ineptitude. Most of the interactions he managed now were the after images of dealing with Farlan and Isabel. He just didn’t understand how to deal with people. Farlan had been more understanding of that than most, making the absence of that friendship all the more painful. Why was missing Farlan coming up now? Not that Levi didn’t miss his friends often, but the ache of his closest confidant was now a burning punch to his heart. Farlan would know what to say. That was it. If Farlan were still around the woman in Levi’s bed would know how much Levi cared, because Farlan knew how to express that for him.
“Captain? Are you alright, you look kind of adrift.” Her voice was weak with her own emotional draining being endured.
“I was thinking about a friend of mine that would have known exactly what to say to make you feel better. He was a real intellectual, like Eyebrows. Back when I lived in the Underground City, he was my closest friend. We fleeced the Merchant Guild pigs on the regular and had a pretty comfortable set up. The three of us would probably have been able to buy our way up the stairs by now. Tch. Or maybe we’d have died from Izzy’s shitty cooked. Hard to be sure.”
Sitting once again on the bed next to her bundled body Levi let out a wistful sigh. “I want to help. More than anything I don’t want you upset. And yet I just don’t know what to do, to say, to even reduce your pain.” Levi’s head tilted to the side looking at his open hand. “Humanity’s strongest soldier, total useless in the face of emotional distress.” With a huff he closed his fist, bringing it down with force to his own knee. “It’s ridiculous.”
A warm hand coved his, fingers forcing open the clenched fist enough to slip under his grip. Levi looked up from his fist to the woman holding his hand. Her lips were curled into the most beautiful smile he had ever seen.
“You have made me feel better. Just being here helped so much. Holding me while I cried? Most guys won’t do that. Not judging me for getting so upset over a stupid dream is no small feat either.” Her grip in his squeezed as emphasis to her words.
“I wish I was doing more. Your eyes are still so haunted by that damn nightmare. I just want you safe again.” Levi wondered only after the words left his mouth if he hadn’t admitted out loud to too much. She might conclude he was a psycho stalker type that would lock her away his closet. He would never do that. Tethering her to his bed might have crossed his mind on occasion but he would never hold her against her will. He was mostly sure.
Long moments passed. He had started to rub small a circle on her hand with his thumb. Her posture slumped slightly and Levi could tell her eyes were getting heavy. As hard as she was normally pushing herself the extra trauma of the nightmare seemed to have emptied even the reserves. More over she was probably still chilled through from her outing to reclaim his book. She needed sleep. Selfishly, Levi wanted to keep her here just a little bit longer, if he could, if she would let him.
“Look brat, I should finish some paperwork. You need to rest. That stroll in the weather didn’t do you any favors. Get comfy. I’m going to be at my desk if you want anything.” Levi stood and helped adjust the covers to better shelter her from the cold. In the end all he could see was the crown of her head and the slight fanning of hair on his pillow. In that instant Levi wished he slept in the bed more often. Maybe the image of her laying there would help him be able to rest better.
Returning to the mess of papers on his desk Levi looked to the book she had retrieved for him. There was a rather large pool of water dripping from the desk to his floor from the waterlogged pages. With a tut Levi picked up the book with intentions of throwing it out then and there. He paused hand over the waste basket. She had gone out there to get it for him, and after mentioning Farlan and Isabel, and their life in the Underground, she might feel awful to see the book in the bin. Squeezing the pages together more Levi attempted to drain the bindings of their inundation. Once the dripping stopped Levi placed the book back on its shelf, to sit unread as its fate had always been.
Levi peeked in the room to be sure she wasn’t having any fits in her sleep. The rise and fall of the coverings seeming peaceful enough. Of the tower of reports he saw a few that were purely in need of reading and with light he could mange that from anywhere. If she woke startled from another dream in a strange room alone she might panic even more this time. He could just sit on the bed next to her and read while she rested. The need to see her safe was also pressing on his focus. He wasn’t going to get anything done if he kept stopping to check on her, he reasoned.
After removing his cravat, belts, and boots Levi settled on top of the covers next to the soundly sleeping form. He picked up one of the reports and started the daunting task of making sense of Hange’s latest report. As minor irritation at the redundancy and disorganization of the report started to boil his blood Levi absently started rubbing the covered back of the woman next to him.
A soft hum of relaxation from the form next to him encouraged Levi to continue the gentle petting as he read. Every now and again, letting his eyes drift closed to savor the feeling of her warmth under his hand. While there was plenty of thick bedding keeping from direct contact it still settled something deep in his soul to have her resting peacefully under his hand.
The rain was falling heavily, keeping him from seeing far into the distance. He could hear the battle not far off now. Levi pushed his horse to go faster, to return him to his friends. It was too late. He arrived too late to save them. Unblinking eyes looked up at him and and it was all he could do to not falter under his grief. He was alone again. Abandoned once again by those he had let in, trusted. That it had happened against any of their wills did nothing to the emptiness that chilled him to the very core.
Levi opened his eyes, slowly waking. He hadn’t meant to fall asleep but one of his long blinks must have turned into slumber, as they often did for him. Slightly startled by not being at his desk, Levi had to take a moment to recall why he was on his bed. A soft nuzzling into his shoulder had Levi swiftly remembering that there was a certain cadet sleeping in his bed. The even breathing and calming presence next to him shook the memories of the lose of his friends from his mind.
He didn’t remember climbing under the covers but he was definitely there now. Her unconscious form now lay pressed along him, one of her arms draped across his chest. A small part of him wondered if he shouldn’t try and wake her, help her return to her own dorm before the morning light made the reality of her spending the night in his quarters an awkward fact.
It wasn’t that things like that didn’t happen, many a night of unwinding left someone leaving the personal quarters of another at odd hours. Little judgement was spared to witnessing these events but it wasn’t unheard of to leave discomfort between the parties involved. Aspersions being thrown around in ones own head were more common than anyone else caring about where or how others found their solace. Levi himself had been the victim of unplanned sleep keeping him in Mike or Erwin’s quarters after one of their poker nights on more than an occasion. Still Levi was unsure if leaving her until morning would be the choice she would prefer. The hand on his chest was so pleasant though and her warm body beside his was so relaxing.
As Humanities Strongest it had been pointed out to him that he never had to sleep alone. Many of the women in town would have been happy to keep him company. More than a few of his fellow Scouts had even offered to ‘help tire him out’ as treatment for his insomnia. He hadn’t taken any of them up on it as the security a living warmth cuddled next to him was a luxury he couldn’t just casually allow himself. The next expedition could be any of their last and some flippant one night stand was not the way he wanted to be remembered or remember any of his comrades.
The current situation was not like that however. This magically cathartic moment was a balm to the ache of loneliness in his heart he had been carrying since the fall of his friends. The self imposed distance he kept from those around him was as much for them was it was him though. Despite his wanting to capture the spark he felt for the splendor beside him, he questioned if it was right of him. It felt oddly selfish stealing this moment with her when he knew he might only end up hurting her by failing to keep her nightmare from coming terribly true. He had watched her take point with Mike’s Squad on more than a few expeditions. He had watched as she tried and failed to save comrades from the threat they faced every time they braved the world beyond the Walls.
Earlier he had wanted nothing more than to find a way to confess to her he was falling for her despite himself and now he was convinced he should never do so. The ghosts of the dead had him feeling a iciness no heat could touch. He would not haunt her dreams in his death. He would not abandon her, leaving her empty and cold. Waking her and forgetting how close he had gotten to crossing that line was the best call.
‘So she will just be alone and empty and cold like you are now?’ Levi could almost hear Farlan ask him. ‘How noble of you to suffer without any risk of hurting her. Or maybe that is wrong in it’s conception. Look at how much your death haunts her when it is nothing but a dream. The reality of your death will rock her even more deeply. Stop doubting the validity of it. Give her a reason to fight, to not give up. Give her comfort and accept it in return. I thought you had chosen the path with no regrets?’ Levi was nearly sure he could see Farlan’s confident smirk calling Levi out on his buckling to uncertainty.
“If I tell her how much I want her, I will end up getting hurt again, I know it. The life I have chosen will only end in sorrow. Can I really expect her to shoulder the burden of my trust?” Levi asked aloud of the phantom of his friend. He had not expected an answer.
“It’s easier to give in to fear than to trust, thats true. However I think that loving and being loved for even a moment can carry a person through the darkest of times. I’d rather lay here next to you knowing I will have to someday suffer through actually going on without you than to have never known what real safety felt like. If I know there is an up to reach for, I will keep reaching for it through any darkness. That is the drive that made me join the Scouts. That is the call in the heart of anyone that charges outside the Walls. I will always keep trying.” As the cadet’s eyes looked into Levi’s he knew there was only one thing he could do.
He pulled her face closer to him, fingers tangling into her sleep tussled hair. Slowly he closed the last distance between them and pressed his lips to hers. When she didn’t try to pull away he gave in to the want that had been building over the months of watching her. The chaste pressing of lips melted into something more heated in a heartbeat. His tongue gently caressed her bottom lip and as her lips parted for him he dove in to her, her own tongue sensually greeting him. Rolling her onto him he helped guide her hips to straddling his waist. The act had her making the most erotic noises he had ever heard. He continued hungrily eating her sounds as his hands explored her exposed legs.
He had wanted this for so long. He wanted nothing more than to find shelter in her and grant her sanctuary with him. He broke away from her lips to trail kisses and nips along her jaw and her neck. He enjoyed coaxing more moans from her with ever ministration until he found the spot he was searching for. A soft involuntary shudder told him he had found it and he bit down guaranteeing that a mark would be lingering long after he finished. The breathy outcry of his name he ripped from her was undoubtably the most exquisite thing he had ever heard.
Capturing her lips once again he started devouring her with renewed zeal. Levi slowly realized he was probably bruising her thighs with his grip. His hands were holding her, keeping her as close as he could manage. As her hips caused a delicious friction between them it was her turn to swallow the sounds of passion escaping him. All too quickly this was going to hit a point of no return. He wanted her so badly but he also didn’t want to risk this being just some tryst.
Slowing his movements to help reinstate his control Levi acted on the more rational urges struggling to win out over his lust. He could feel a slight lament at not just taking her now. He was so rarely in her company and there was a fear this would be a one time chance for him to be with her. That same thought was enough to set his resolve though. If he was only to be with her the once, if he had her in his bed for only the one night, he would have her safely in his arms. She would know the joy of being wholly loved while he might find comfort in being loved in return, even if only for a moment.
He ran small circles with his thumbs along her thighs, loosening his hold and quieting their passion more. He wasn’t going to ravage her tonight. Not that he didn’t want to, but rather his need to hold her was greater. He needed to know what it felt like to sleep with her nestled against him. As enrapturing as it would be to to fuck her senseless, he knew that wasn’t going to fill his need. He had to let her in and that would not be the outcome of some spontaneous fling.
Sensing that he had no intention of letting the sexual frenzy sweep them back up she leaned forward resting her forehead on his shoulder. She stilled herself and Levi was sure he saw a tension forming in her back. He moved his hands to her tightening muscles to massage away the building fears.
“Levi?” It was obvious the question was why had he stopped them. He couldn’t find the words to fully explain his own fears about not wanting to waste his one chance with her. He wasn’t the poet that Farlan was or as blunt about his feelings as he could be any other subject. Knowing there was a chance he might never have a moment like this with her again he grabbed the challenging words from the vision of his friend. No regrets.
“I want you so badly. Not just physically. I want all of you. I want your smile and your laugh. I want your fears and your pain. Please. Let me have you. Please become mine.”
Levi ran his fingers through her hair pushing it from her face to let him see her more clearly. The way the moonlight caught her eyes stopped his heart. He couldn’t breath around the beauty he saw there. The shimmering radiance looking back at him was so raw, so vulnerable, he knew what her answer was even if she didn’t say it aloud.
He shifted her from atop to embraced beside him, her head resting once again on his chest. He held her like this, letting the seconds build into minutes. The sound of his steady heart beat helping to lull her toward sleep. “Just stay with with me tonight. Let me give you a moment of sanctuary from the strife of this world.” Her closed eyes and peaceful expression left him wondering if she had fallen back to sleep already. The soft reply he received let him know she was not.
“Alright.” The word was a whisper into his chest. For a moment he humored asking which question she intended that to answer but he knew the truth of it. Both.