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The first time it happened, they were eating lunch. Dazai had just stolen from Kunikida’s plate, and naturally the latter angrily attempted to retrieve his lost food item while the former giggled obnoxiously, keeping just out of his co-worker’s range as he popped it into his mouth with the smuggest, most insufferable look he was capable of. And that was saying something, considering most of the looks Dazai was capable of were smug and insufferable.
For once, rage failed Kunikida. He simply stared at Dazai, managing a “...why are you like this?” as he contemplated if it was worth spending more money than expected, or if he'd be better off just skipping his meal now that the first course was in his colleague’s digestive system.
“It's because I’m madly in love with you!” There wasn't anything different about Dazai from his normal demeanor, no reason to believe he was sincere, no reason to believe this wasn't just Dazai being Dazai.
“Oh, come on. You can do better than that.” Kunikida sighed and opened his notebook, pointedly signifying the conversation’s end. Dazai, for his part, shut up.
Weirdly, he barely looked at Kunikida for the rest of the meal.
-
Dazai was such an absolutely insufferable person, in many people’s opinions. Kunikida, strangely, was quite happy that the two were partners. Not because the other’s company was pleasant, per se. It was infuriating to be around Dazai, who took every chance to pick on Kunikida. It wore him down just the tiniest bit.
But Doppo Kunikida was not one to be deterred by a slightly obnoxious partner. No, he was grateful to work with Dazai. He didn’t know how to describe it. The peculiar man was always trying to get a rise out of him, and more often than not he got it, but still Kunikida felt as though he managed him effectively. And one can't work closely with another without getting at least a little attached.
Seeing Dazai in the mornings was almost comforting. A routine, something normal (as though anything involving Osamu Dazai could ever be called ‘normal’). Without it, Kunikida was sure his life would be far emptier.
And when it came to actual work? Dazai was a genius, he was sure of it. The things he could accomplish with words were simply incredible, and when partnered with Kunikida...well, he couldn’t deny they were quite the effective team.
“Do you ever think people get the wrong idea?” Dazai asked on the train one day, leaning over to stare at Kunikida. “You know...when we say we're partners?”
“You think they assume we get along or something?” Kunikida didn’t bother to look up from the newspaper in his hands as he responded.
“Of course not, and if they do we dispel those assumptions in half a second! I mean...do you think they assume we're dating?”
If there had been anything in Kunikida’s mouth to spit out it would be on the floor right now. He took a moment to process the ridiculous question before responding.
“Why would they think that? You just said we don't get along!”
Dazai pouted. “We bicker like a married couple, Kunikida-kun. And besides, I’m a handsome guy. Someone like you would be lucky to date someone so out of their league.”
Kunikida had to admit to himself that Dazai was right about at least one part - he was good-looking. Not the ‘ideal woman’ Kunikida had written about in his notebook, but that had been a lie, of course it had. He and Dazai both knew that Doppo Kunikida's ideal woman wasn't a woman at all.
“You, out of my league? As if.” He raised an eyebrow at his partner, not fully looking away from the paper. “I know you're trying to mess with me, but it's not working.”
“Understood!” Uncharacteristically, Dazai said nothing for the rest of the ride.
-
“That place looks nice for dates.”
Kunikida’s eyes followed his partner’s finger. A beautiful park, the flowers just beginning to bloom for the start of spring. He had to admit it was rather pleasant-looking. And clearly, Dazai was right about it. He could see couples - and they clearly were couples, mostly teenagers but some slightly older, some on blankets and some at tables, all enjoying the nice weather. Kunikida’s mouth curled up into a tiny hint of a smile.
Immediately, Dazai poked the corner of it. Just like Dazai to ruin even the little good things. “Why are you smiling, eh, Kunikida-kun?”
Kunikida shook his head, looking away from the park to glare at his partner. “I’m not. Stop touching me. Why did you comment on that, anyway? It’s irrelevant to the case.”
Dazai grabbed Kunikida by the wrist, pulling him towards the park.
“Hey, what the hell?!” Kunikida pulled his arm out of the other man’s grip. Dazai looked back at him, pouting.
“Does this mean you don’t want to go on a date with me…?” He asked, sounding just as obnoxious as he looked. “And after all we’ve been through.”
“Maybe I would if you focused on the case without getting distracted every five minutes.” Kunikida frowned as he turned away from the park. “We’re going to lose valuable time at this rate.”
“Is that all you care about?” To Kunikida’s mild surprise, Dazai followed him away. “I’ll be keeping that park in mind. Those branches look sturdy enough for a noose. It’d make for a nice suicide, I think.”
You do that, Kunikida nearly said. Instead he simply sighed.
-
Dazai was a pain in the ass. That was the only way Kunikida would describe him when asked. A waste of bandages, a waste of time, a waste of energy. That wasn’t really how he thought of him, but he wasn’t sure what else he was meant to say. Just tell people that he cared about Dazai? What was he supposed to say to express that? No, best let his frustration in the moment guide him. Best not say anything affectionate.
Dazai’s actions generally didn’t warrant affection anyway. It wasn’t like he went out of his way to improve Kunikida’s life. In fact, Kunikida wasn’t even sure that he cared.
The thought that he might not upset him more than he cared to admit.
Dazai didn’t talk to Kunikida much outside of work, claiming that he had much better things to do. So when Kunikida first saw the man standing by his doorstep at three in the morning he was convinced he was hallucinating. Dazai wasted no time in dispelling that misconception, bumping into Kunikida as he forced his way in without even saying hello.
How rude, Kunikida thought.
“Why are you here?” He couldn’t help sounding irritated - it was so early, and he’d been having such a wonderful dream. He couldn’t even remember what it was about now that Dazai ruined it. Ruining everything…typical Dazai.
“...is it such a crime to want to see my colleague?” Dazai tilted his head to the side slightly (feigning innocence, Kunikida thought) and smiled a tiny bit. “I was going to bring you some…papers. Important ones.”
Kunikida frowned, staring at Dazai with half-lidded, sleepy eyes. No way was this true. Dazai’s pockets weren’t big enough to hold papers. “Where are they?”
“...where are what?” Dazai was now busy staring at Kunikida’s cabinets. “Hey, do you have any Drano? Asking for a friend.”
“Dazai…” Kunikida sighed, too tired to even properly get angry. “Why are you here? No, you are not killing yourself in my house. Cleaning up your corpse would be far too much trouble.”
“So cold, Kunikida-kun…” He straightened, staring away from Kunikida. “...I just wanted to see you. Because I enjoy your company. Perhaps I was lonely.”
It took Kunikida a moment to react. How was one supposed to react to something like that, from Osamu Dazai of all people? He took a deep breath and averted his gaze.
“...you can have the couch. I’m not making you go home this early at night. But this is the last time we’re doing this.”
Immediately, Dazai brightened, rushing to hug Kunikida, any hints of vulnerability gone. “Oh, Kunikida-kun! This kind of hidden soft side is exactly why I’m madly in love with you!”
Kunikida sighed and reluctantly hugged back, too sleepy to resist. It had just been an attempt to mess with him, hadn't it? Just Kunikida's luck...the one time he thought they might genuinely be sharing an emotional moment, Dazai proved him wrong. “...no time for jokes. I need to go to bed before I offset my circadian rhythm permanently.”
-
The familiar sensation of his notebook in his hand was Kunikida’s favorite feeling in the world. The perfect weight of it, the rustling of the paper…he would hold it nonstop, he thought, if that wasn’t horribly inconvenient.
It was practically a morning tradition for him to open the book and flip to the most recent page. The empty paper signalled the arrival of a new day for him. He found it comforting.
Today, however, he found it disconcerting.
Kunikida surely didn’t remember writing on the page reserved for today (there was still space on yesterday’s page, for goodness sake!), nor did he understand what the words written there meant. But on the top of the page, in all capital letters, TO DO: DAZAI was scrawled.
What did this mean? Kunikida didn’t remember any plans to do with Dazai. What was that shorthand for? ‘To Do: Dazai’ was incredibly vague, even for someone as fond of conserving paper as Kunikida was.
Perhaps it was best to go to the man himself for answers.
“DAZAI!”
From the other side of the office, Dazai cheerfully replied. “That’s me!” Thank goodness no one else was around - all out on jobs, for once. The fact that they were alone was something Kunikida was grateful for. If he had to scold Dazai, best to do so when no one was present.
“Dazai!” He glared at the man. “My notebook says here: To Do: Dazai. I don’t remember what this is referring to. ‘Dazai’ is clearly shorthand for something, but I can’t at all remember what. Do you know what this is reminding me to do?”
Dazai stared at Kunikida for a moment before softly chuckling. The look on his face was almost endearing as he crossed the room to stand in front of Kunikida. “I figured you’d notice. I just wanted you to remember that I exist.”
Kunikida took a moment to process that. Had Dazai stolen his notebook? He did remember leaving it on a counter just before leaving work...he could have written it in then. Kunikida cursed himself in his mind. How could he have let Dazai of all people get his hands on his precious notebook?!
“I remember that you exist all the time. You make it hard to forget.”
Dazai’s smile widened. It was almost cute, Kunikida couldn’t help but think. “Well, I want you to remember more! Since all my attempts at flirting go over your head so spectacularly, I wanted to try a more head-on approach.”
“Well, stop it-” He paused, processing Dazai’s statement. “...flirting?”
“Well, yeah! Of course.”
He took a minute to process. “You mean - at lunch-”
“Yes, of course!”
“And on the train, and at the park-”
“Certainly!”
“And...at night-”
Dazai smiled sheepishly. “I was going to confess to you then, but I figured it wasn’t the best time. You were glaring daggers at me - not that you ever aren’t, really, but maybe I shouldn’t ask you out when you’re angry.”
Indignant stammering was all Kunikida could manage. Dazai...all this time, he hadn’t been joking? There had been genuine feeling behind those seemingly mocking statements, and it was…
“I...I just…” Dazai looked more genuine than Kunikida had ever seen him, almost vulnerable, as he stared him directly in the eyes. “I mean…”
Kunikida cut him off, sighing lightly as he smiled just the tiniest bit. When he spoke, it sounded shockingly affectionate, and his face matched his tone.
“Well...it’s quite nice today, and there’s not much we need to do. Perhaps we can go to that park again...”
Dazai looked elated, eyes practically sparkling as he rushed to hug Kunikida.
“...and you’ll apologize for vandalizing my notebook, of course.”