Chapter Text
Shepard was sat on the edge of the cot; far enough away to give Jack her needed space, but close enough so that the biotic didn't feel alone. Finding a good distance between the two, the Commander felt, would have been tricky if it weren't for all her years in the Reds spent learning how to read people. She used to never get as far as the doorway without a crass " Fuck you " from the biotic, but as she slowly gained the ex-subject's trust she slowly worked her way closer. Never closer than necessary, but never out of reach if she was needed. She liked to think Jack appreciated it, in her own nearly feral way; not that Shepard minded, she had been there too, once.
Still was in her own opinion, though Liara was likely to disagree. Maybe that was why the shaven haired convict wanted to see her in the dead of night the Commander thought, Jack probably felt that she could relate, which she felt was a good sign.
"What'cha need?" she asked; it was short and direct, but without demand. If she ever 'demanded' then the young biotic woman would snap shut, snarl and withdraw, and whatever progress they were making would move four steps back. Commands if important or relevant were expected and allowed yes, but demanding anything personal would only get her smeared across a bulkhead. Shepard didn't mind though, it was easy for her to work out other people's problems, to fix other people's mistakes, to mop up the messes others left behind. It was her own problems that she always felt powerless with. With her inability to help herself she instead focused on others, and that was why she was the one slated to save the universe; well, more or less anyway.
Kelly could handle most of the crew fine enough, for which she was grateful, but she and Chambers both knew that Jack would never tell her shit , even if her life depended on it. The troubled tattoo covered girl just didn't trust doctors. Of any sort. Much to Dr. Chakwas' annoyance. It had usually took Samara's biotics, her ordering, and Grunt's strength to get her in the infirmary to patch her up. She somehow doubted that Jack currently needed medical attention currently however.
Jack sat with her legs pulled up against her chin, her hands on her kneecaps; reminding the commander of child. Jack was, in many ways, a child with dangerous tendencies -more dangerous than even Grunt, who was currently doing quite well now come to think of it, now that they knew he was just going through puberty. The two seemed to get along quite well in their own slightly dysfunctional way now that the Commander thought more of it, battling and bantering at odd hours throughout the ship and crushing their enemies with maniacal glee.
The thought brought a small smile to her face; they may have been slightly deranged and deadly, but she still took pride in them as their Commander and a slightly maternalistic friend who would burn down the entire universe right with them if given reason to. Shepard seriously doubted that Grunt or their shared bloodlust were the cause of the problem, or at least, she hoped it wasn't.
Instead of guessing further, Shepard sat silently, her question still ringing in the air, knowing Jack would speak when she was ready and only then.
As if hearing her Commander's internal assessment Jack stiffened, her back straightened and she chewed her bottom lip until it bled. That particular action helped to calm her, Shepard knew; that didn't make the slight nausea of seeing her teammate's blood any less though. No matter how long she fought or how many people she gunned down, the sight of her own, covered in blood, would always make her heat skip a beat and her stomach churn.
"Cheerleader…" Jack began. As if that one word alone summed up and explained everything perfectly. Perhaps it did.
Shepard frowned slightly, hadn't she already worked out that problem? She had been certain her XO and Jack had laid aside their differences for the duration of the mission. She also clearly remembered telling Lawson point blank that her comments about Jack had been out of line and downright demeaning. She had chosen to talk to them both seperatly about their last argument and there hadn't been anymore incidents on the ship that she knew about. Perhaps she would check in with EDI and Kasumi later, to be sure.
"She's fucking…" Jack began again before trailing off once more. Her face contorted in rage and she pounded her fists against her cot, blue biotics seared up her arms before fading down again.
"Did she say something to you? Do you want me to talk to her?"
"NO!" Jack shouted, startling the Commander. She cursed and shook her head.
Clearly this was going to be a little harder than either of them wanted.
"Tell me Jack."
Jack grimaced, curses and mumbling still spilling from her flush lips, but her face lost its anger and she soon sighed. She wrung her hands and Shepard could clearly see the young woman's muscles tensing repeatedly.
"She's… I. Fuck. Fuck Shepard, I don't know what the hell is going on anymore. Damnit," she spat, wrapping her arm around her shoulder. She looked at the Commander who nodded for her to continue; reassured that her words would not be seen as weak, Jack continued on, "We kissed Shepard. Not even fucking sex or anything. Just… just kissed. Didn't even make the bitch bleed. A-and we talked. Sort of,” she continued, rubbing her scalp, "It's fucking complicated. Confusing. I don't know if I fucking hate her guts or…or if I fucking don't. I fucking blame you for this Shepard. You and your fucking feelings and crap. It's fucking bullshit. Fucking bullshit. I should have killed the Cerberus bitch when I had the chance. Why the fuck did you make me let her go?"
"If I remember correctly, I made you both let each other go. For the mission. I can't exactly tell you guys how to live your life after we stop those Collectors mind you."
"Yeah… fucking Collectors. Fucking Reapers. Cocksucking Cerberus. Fuck 'em all. Just fuck 'em all…" the ex convict grumbled.
"That's the general plan."
"And she's fucking part of it too," Jack seethed, venom dripping from her blue glowing arms, "Like we can fucking be around each other. Fuck that. We fucking hate each other. Like hell we can just…we can just…"
"What?"
"Kiss Shepard! How the fuck can that fucking shit happen? To us? To me? I didn't even push the goddamn bitch away either. I just stood there like a fucking idiot… and then… I…"
"You kissed back?" Shepard ventured, to which Jack nodded. She was closer to the Commander now, only a foot or two between them.
"And… And I fucking liked it. That's some sick twisted shit there Shepard. And we've been talking. A lot. Sort of… It's hard to say. One minute, I’m ‘part of the crew’, the next, I’m a fucking ‘abomination’. I can't tell where the hell I stand with her. Where the hell she stands to me. That's fucking scary Shepard. I'm not the fucking dating type. I'm not someone she can cart around on her arm or with a leash. Fuck that shit. I don't do leashes. Been there. Done that. Got that tat already."
"That reminds me, a few of yours need re-inking. Remind me next time we hit Omega," the Commander said absently, eyeing the convict's many flesh decorations. Jack filed the reminder away subconsciously while she continued her rant.
"And I can't fucking think around her. Shit I can't even fucking breath. But I ain't soft. I am not fucking soft Shepard, I am not losing my edge. I can still take down every single one of those goddamn fuckers with one hand and don't you fucking forget it."
"Duly noted," she replied with a smirk. Jack nodded, reassuring herself.
"I fucking hate her…"
"How long you two been seeing each other?"
Jack sat up as if the devil himself had bit her in the ass and her shock quickly turned into a glare that would have left lesser beings pissing themselves. That look never failed to bring a proud sparkle to the Commander's eye, but now wasn't the time for coddling.
"I'm not fucking stupid Jack, you said yourself you two've been hanging out a lot more than necessary. You're sitting here telling me to my face that you kissed. I've been around a lot of blocks before Jack. I know this shit. So just tell me what you need and I'll fucking fix it."
Jack was torn between being tense and relaxing. She settled for another "fuck you" before settling down again. Shepard exhaled silently in relief, they had passed hurdle one. If she worked hard and if Jack cooperated, they just might be able to get whatever this was dealt with. Hell, she would settle for just bringing the problem to light. The Commander eyed the smaller woman, waiting for the next test. Unlike Tali, or Garrus, or any of the others, she had to work to help Jack, and the pair would expect no less of each other.
"…I don't know what the hell you'd call it. Like I said, we aren't even fucking. Just… Feeling and crap…"
"You like her. Or something."
Jack didn't reply. She turned and refused to look at the battle wary Commander across from her. She wasn't weak. She couldn't let Shepard think that. Not now.
"Jack, do you like her?"
"Fuck you."
Shepard sighed, rubbed her temples; "Jack, listen to me, and listen to me real good or I swear by the Alliance that I'm going to toss you out of the fucking air lock…" she trailed off until Jack's brown eyes were once again looking at her; "You're upset. Confused. Angrier than sin. I get that. But if you don't tell me what you want I can't help you get it. I'm not a fucking miracle worker, now, I'm going to ask you again: Do you like Miranda Lawson?"
"I. Don't. Fucking. Know." Jack hissed, putting emphasis on each word, "How the hell do you like anyone? I fuck people. Kill people. I don't fucking like people. That shit doesn't make any sense…" the former test subject trailed off, trying to sort out the chaos inside her already chaotic mind; Shepard didn't envy the girl, affection of any sort was always harder to master than hate.
"I guess…I guess I don't want to kill her as much."
"That's a good start."
"But I'm not soft."
"I know Jack, I know. You're still the biotic badass bitch that you always were."
"Damn right."
"But you might want to fix you're makeup, I can still see those mascara streaks."
"Fuck you."
Shepard resisted the urge to wince. She hated calling Jack out, but it needed to be done if she was going to get anything else done.
"They look smeared. Did you wipe them away? Or did Lawson?"
Jack had shifted back over to the other side of the bed, putting up more space, more walls between them. Shepard could tell that she was struggling with her emotions; her biotics crackled around her arms.
" Fuck. You ."
"Jack, it's alight. I mean it. Liara's dried my tears more times than either of us can count…"
Jack whipped her head around; "You cry? You? The fucking Alliance Girl Scout
Butcher Bitch?" she asked in disbelief.
"Yes. And I'm no more of a softie than you are. So tell me. Who?"
Jack swore and turned her head away before thinking the better of it, she looked Shepard dead in the eyes, daring her to mock her; "Lawson."
"I thought so. Her sleeves were black this morning. I assumed this all happened last night?"
Jack nodded.
"I'm not even going to ask if you've talked to her about any of this," she added with a grin. The smaller woman only smirked.
"So. The fuck am I going to do?"
"Well Jack, I'm not going to lie to you. You deserve better than that. So instead I'm going to give you something you can actually use, if you want it. But you had better want it, and you had better fucking listen 'cause I'm not in the goddamn mood for bullshit. Got it?" she asked; she'd be damned if they had made it this far only to regress. And she sure as hell didn't want Jack and the XO back at each other's throats if she could help it. Once she was certain she had jack's attention, and that Jack was actually going to listen to what she had to say, she started in.
"You and Lawson got off to a rocky start. The fact that you two made it this far is a fucking miracle. Now, I'm not going to sit here and tell you how to live your life. You wouldn't listen to me if I did anyway. Now, I know you, and I know Miranda. If you two made it work out you two could have something fucking awesome. Something better than just sex and killing;" she watched as Jack's eyes lit up with the prospect of something better than her only highs, "I'm not saying you two would have it easy, 'cause you the sure the hell wouldn't. You're both stubborn as fuck and as determined as hell. Now, tell me Jack, do you want to make it work with her?"
Jack thought about for a few moments, her emotions swirling across her face. Here, in the darkness of the Normandy, Shepard could always read Jack's face. The biotic seemed unsure of herself and started biting her lip again, once more drawing blood.
"You don't have to decide now, but you do have to decide Jack," said the Specter.
"I do."
"Jac-"
"I wouldn't have fucking got you down here in the middle of ass o'clock at night and fucking split open my guts if I was just going to bale. Please Shepard, you think I'm a goddamn coward or something?"
"You're not a coward if you take your time Jack. In fact that's the only way you and Miranda could work. Slowly. You two seem to be beginning to talk, that's good. Keep that slow. One small step at a time. Don't rush each other. Don't push too hard too often or you two will only get angry at each other."
"What about the... kisses ?" she asked, offering the word as if it were something poisonous.
Shepard nodded, "Those are fine too. Relationships, actual relationships, are different then one night fucks Jack. It's okay to test the waters there too. If fucking each other brainless is what makes you both happy then fine. If you don't feel comfortable with that, lay down a line. A rule. Miranda likes rules. They make sense to her. You got a problem with something then tell her. Don't make her grasp around in the dark, throw her something to work with. She'll be more than happy to let you set the paces. But you gotta try Jack. You have to give and take. Listen to her. You don't have to agree, not even remotely, but you meet her halfway and you two will be just fine."
Jack sat quietly, and leaned back, this time not out of need for space, but in pure thought. Shepard watched her gently, her breathing steady, waiting to see the other woman's reaction.
"I'm not fucking soft Shep. I don't do relationships," she whispered, hanging her head as the anger started to set in again, "I'm not cut out for any of that shit."
"Jack, believe me, relationships are the hardest things there are. You have to be incredible brave, stupid, and reckless to get involved with someone. You're giving them a knife to cut you open with essentially. But you do it willingly because you know it'll be a good death. And they'll hand you one too, because the only way they'll want to die is by you. It's all fucking bat-shit insane, but it's the most beautiful and fucking exhilarating thing you can ever have Jack. If for no other reason than to live Jack, try . If there's a mess afterword I'll be the first one to mop it up."
With that, the Commander thought it best to leave the biotic to her thoughts. As the door was just about to slip shut, she heard the faintest murmur behind her; "thank you."
There were some days, she decided, that it was good to be alive again. As she headed up the stairs to set Tali's mind at ease before going back to bed, she decided that she would give Jack a bit of space for a few days, and would have a nice little chat with her resident Cerberus girl; just to make sure things went a bit more smoothly. The last thing she needed was a lover's spat in the middle of her ship. Even less in the heat of battle.
She only hoped things would work themselves out in the end.