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The ghost of soft hands haunted him as he awoke, and the echo of a laugh in his ears made them twitch, flatten to his head. That night's sleep had been anything but restful, his heart now pounding in his chest and his pyjamas drenched in sweat. It wasn't a nightmare, but something so much worse. Alastor knew something was wrong, despite his injury having healed months ago. Something had been left behind, left to claw its way deeper into his chest, infecting his very bones, until there was nothing but that sickening warmth.
I think I love you.
He wanted to scream until his throat bled, tear at his chest until he carved out whatever disease had taken root. He settled for shoving his face into his pillow until it became difficult to breathe, and then with the dramatics over with, he began to get ready for the day.
Still, that underlying dread stayed with him, and a glass of whiskey accompanied his breakfast.
-
The following morning began much the same way, as did the next, and the next. Every night, Alastor's dreams were filled with him. Silky blonde hair, rosy cheeks and a laugh like music only the finest prodigy could compose. His softness and his warmth ever-present. Not that Alastor knew exactly how warm and soft. He'd never touched him, he didn't want to touch him. He didn't want anything to do with such an annoying, cowardly, piss poor excuse for a ruler.
I think I love you.
He did scream then, grateful for the soundproofing of his little pocket dimension.
-
He pretended it wasn't bothering him for as long as he could. Until the sleep deprivation caught up with him, until the near constant ache in his chest started to feel the same as being slashed open, until tears sprang to the corners of his eyes at the mere sight of his dear enemy, his smile fighting to stay in place.
"What are you doing to me?!" He howled, long, yellowed teeth inches from a pale face.
"Uh, can't you read? I think I made the sign pretty clear. I even used your actual name so you couldn't pull the loophole card." Lucifer huffed, completely unfazed by the overgrown claws keeping him pinned as he put on a mocking voice.
I think I love you.
"Enough! Make it stop!" Alastor's heart was doing that thing where it beat too fast and felt like it was doing somersaults. He couldn't breathe quite right and Lucifer was just giving him a look of dopey confusion, as if that wasn't the plan.
He reached up, tiny, tiny, fragile hands moving to touch Alastor's face, but stopping inches short, "...Are you alright, big guy? You're actually kind of worrying me."
His eyes were wide, eyebrows pinched.
Fear.
He was scared.
And Alastor wasn't falling for it.
He wanted to sink his teeth into that pale flesh, stain every surface gold.
He wanted to cradle him close and never let him go.
I think I love you.
Couldn't he see? Did Lucifer really not know the pain he was causing? Alastor didn't- he wasn't supposed to. Didn't know he could. He'd never felt that way before and now he was feeling it for this idiot of a man and he couldn't-
"Hey! Hey, don't hurt yourself, dumbass-"
Alastor jolted back, growling and snapping and clawing, the second fingers made contact with the back of his hand. There was blood, red, staining the floor, staining his clothes. He'd scratched himself, attempted to dig into his own ribcage to rid himself of that emotion.
Now freed, Lucifer stood, just a few feet away and stock still, fearing any movement would get the injured animal in front of him to attack. "Do you want to explain to me what the fuck is going on?"
"I think I love you."
Lucifer blinked, "...And that warranted threatening me and then giving yourself a panic attack?"
"I'm not- I'm fine-" Alastor tried to argue, but the words caught in his throat.
"Uh huh. And my favourite colour is blue." Lucifer rolled his eyes, "Just focus on breathing, deep and slow, like this..." He provided an example as he backed away, step by step, keeping an eye on Alastor as he searched for something in another corner of the room. He returned with a duck plushie almost the same size as him, its head flopping over from the weight of a party hat, "Here, hold this, it might help."
Alastor stared.
Maybe- yeah, maybe he was panicking a little bit. The cocktail of exhaustion, stress and misplaced anger taking its toll.
He scooped up the both of them, and they were soft, and warm. He alternated between stroking the velvety fur of the plushie, and running his fingers through honey gold hair.
"Okay. Whatever makes you feel better." Lucifer quipped, making himself comfortable against Alastor's chest. "You know... love isn't poison, you didn't have to come bursting in here like you were actually about to die."
Alastor didn't say anything, busy examining the seam where the duck's party hat connected to its head. Very good craftmanship.
"Seriously it's not like-... it's not like I would have held it against you or anything. It's not really something we can choose, and sometimes it turns out bad, but... that's not comforting, I just- Look. It's okay, Al, is what I'm saying is-"
"If you say, hey go away, I will." Alastor mumbled, preparing himself for agreement. That was a less than stellar love confession, to put it lightly, no doubt he'd scared the man off-
"What? No! I was going to say I understand if you don't want to be with me!"
They stared at each other for what felt like an eternity, sorting through the chaos of their thoughts, trying to find the same ground.
Calmer now, Alastor had shrunk back down to his regular, seven foot size. He was still grasping the duck, squeezing every ounce of comfort and reassurance from it as he whispered, "I think it's better if I stay around and love you."
"Okay." Lucifer breathed, a lopsided smile finding its way to his lips, "That's great!"
And because Alastor needed to know he hadn't just messed everything up, he bit the bullet and asked, "Do you think you love me?"
Without a second of hesitation, Lucifer met his eyes and nodded, "I think I'm stupid, and naive, and gullible, and pathetic, and so many other words for it, but dad help me, I think I love you too."
Alastor took a deep breath, feeling like a weight had been lifted. That ugly, anxious feeling finally dissipating, leaving nothing but a fuzziness that made him want to giggle. But first things first, he was tired, and he needed a proper night's rest. "Thank you." He said, "I- ah. What do we do now? It's very late."
Lucifer's cheeks tinted gold, "Do you... want to stay? Or not. You don't have to. I understand this is all new to you, and it's been a long time for me too-"
"No."
Lucifer deflated, "Okay. Okay, yeah, that's-"
"It's just been a lot. I don't want to overwhelm myself again." Alastor interrupted quickly, before his thoughts spiralled, "But I can come back in the morning? For breakfast?"
He was met with a blinding grin, "Sounds like a plan!"
"Alright. I'm taking this with me." Alastor responded, ducking down to kiss Lucifer on the forehead before he could talk himself out of it, and then dissolving into shadows, duck plushie in tow, the sound of his favourite song echoing behind him.