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"Hey, Sammy? What's this?" Dean asked while holding up a navy blue gift bag. It had swirls of flaking silver glitter. And it was wrinkled from being shoved into the back of Dean's closet.
Sam poked his head into Dean's room and looked at the bag.
"How should I know? It was in your closet. What's in it?"
Dean looked at the bag. A small square tag was hanging off the handles.
He turned it over and his eyebrows rose in surprise.
TO: Dean
FROM: Cas
Dean frowned… thinking.
Oh. That's right.
Five years ago on Dean's thirtieth birthday, Cas had given him a gift before he left the bar. While everyone else was crowing about his still single bachelorhood, and all the women and men he would be working his way through, Cas had done that thing he did. Tilted his head like an inquisitive bird and studied Dean.
Dean had avoided him the rest of the night. He didn't like to be seen. And no one saw him as well as Cas.
He and Cas had been friends since college. Many late nights spent in their shared dorm gave Cas insight. Cas knew Dean's desire for kids. A family. The apple pie life. He knew the easy smile masked his loneliness.
The only thing Cas never knew was the person Dean always saw by his side was Cas himself.
Dean had been in love with his best friend for years. He also knew Cas didn't feel the same way. Cas wasn't into dudes.
Cas had only dated women in college. She-devil Meg. Obsessive April. Harsh Hannah.
And then there was Amelia. Dean thought she was the one. She was pretty. Intelligent. Had a great sense of humor. Dean liked her a lot. But he also kinda hated her.
He hated how Cas drifted from Dean to Amelia.
And then one day she was just gone. Dean never did get an explanation from Cas. But he didn't really need one. He was just happy to have Cas back all to himself.
After the party, Dean had taken his gifts and shoved them in the closet. He didn't want any reminders of that night.
Looking at the bag now, his first instinct was to toss it in the trash. But this was from Cas.
Cas, his best friend who moved to Weston, Missouri eighteen months later.
Cas who didn't visit. Didn't answer phone calls.
He felt a pressure in his chest.
He missed his friend. When Cas moved away, he lost his person.
He carefully set the bag down in his duffel bag. He'd open it in the apartment later.
It was moving day. Sam and Jess were taking the next step and Dean didn't want to be a third wheel.
It was time to get his own place. He found a small apartment close to the garage. It wasn't anything special.
Sam, Jess and Benny helped Dean move his things and get set up in his new place.
After paying them with pizza and beer, Benny had left. His wife, Andrea, was pregnant. He didn't want to leave her alone too long.
Sam and Jess stayed a little longer. Jess made sure his coffee maker was unpacked and Sam helped connect his cable.
At the door, Jess gave Dean a hug before leaving Sam and Dean alone.
Sam stood on the threshold, hands deep in his pockets.
He gave Dean a look using his secret weapon, the puppy eyes.
Dean sighed.
"Don't give me that look, Sammy. I'll be fine."
"It's Sam, jerk and I just, I don't know, worry about you here by yourself."
Dean waved his words away.
"I'm fine. I'm a grown ass man. I can live alone."
Sam rolled his eyes.
"You've never lived alone, Dean. You went from dad's, to sharing a dorm with Cas to moving in with me."
Dean flinched slightly at Cas's name.
"Well, I guess it's time I give it a shot. Go. Jess is waiting."
Sam let out a breath and pulled Dean into a quick hug.
He stepped back and walked out.
Dean turned in a slow circle.
His eyes landed in his duffel bag. He strode over to his duffel and angrily pulled the zipper down.
He reached in and pulled out the bag. He removed silver tissue paper and pulled out a book, The Song of Achilles by Madeline Miller. Edges of the book were frayed. Well worn. Inside was a folded up piece of paper, marking a page.
Dean opened the book to the piece of paper and his eyes fell on a highlighted passage,
"He is half of my soul, as the poets say."
Dean fumbled the book and it fell to the floor with a dull thud.
The paper slowly drifted to the floor as well.
Dean's heart was frantically beating inside his chest.
He bent and picked up both dropped objects.
Unfolding the page, he recognized the loopy cursive of Cas.
"Happy birthday, Dean.
I wish I could say these words to your face but I'm afraid. Afraid you won't feel the same. Afraid of watching your face fill with sympathy. Afraid you will say nothing has to change but with every word, we both know everything already has.
I cannot hold back any longer. My heart has long bid me to say the words I love you.
Now that they are said and out in the universe, can you feel the same? Can you love me back?
I think we would be magnificent together. No one has ever known me like you, Dean.
No one has ever made me feel more whole or complete in the way you do.
Now that you know how I feel, I'm leaving the next steps in your hands. If you feel the same, come to me and we can figure out what comes next, together.
If you don't... we move on. We stay friends. All I ask is that you pretend you never read this, and we will never speak of it again.
Yours,
Cas
Pretend you didn't read this. What the actual fuck?
Five years. Five long, lonely years they could have spent building a life together.
Eighteen months.
Cas had stayed quiet and heartbroken for eighteen long months believing Dean didn't feel the same. Sitting on Dean's couch watching movies, playing video games. Laughing at Dean's dumb jokes. But the laughter always faded and Cas had gone quiet.
Dean remembered when Cas told him he had accepted a job in Weston, Missouri. Dean had felt like he had been punched in the stomach. He couldn't breathe.
"Weston is only an hour and a half away, Dean. I'm sure we can make the drive," Voice quiet. Eyes sad.
Dean looked back at the letter in his trembling fingers.
"... can you love me back.?
Cas had moved fifty miles away believing Dean didn't love him back.
What a dumbass.
Dean turned sharply and grabbed the keys to Baby, his black '67 Impala. He took the stairs two at a time and jumped inside and peeled out of the parking lot.
He stood on Sam's doorstep and hammered on the door.
Sam opened the door, frown on his face.
"Dean, where's the fire? Did you forget something?"
Dean pushed past Sam and started pacing the living room.
Jess watched with concerned blue eyes.
Sam followed Dean into the room and sat next to Jess.
"Read this." Dean thrust the letter at the couple on the couch.
Jess took it and glanced down. Her eyes moved over the words and then stopped.
She looked back at Dean, then to Sam.
Sam finished reading and gazed calmly at his brother.
"What's the problem, here? Cas has been in love with you since college. Everyone knew, Dean," Sam said, sounding tired.
"Apparently not everyone, Sam," Jess said under her breath.
Sam rolled his eyes and sat back on the couch.
"What the hell, man? Cas only dated chick's in school. Meg, April, Hannah."
Dean dropped down onto the recliner.
"Amelia," his voice was low.
Sam frowned for a moment.
"Amelia expected a ring, Dean. That's why Cas broke it off once he realized how serious she was. He was just trying to keep busy while you brought half the campus back to your dorm every weekend," Jess stated matter of factly.
Dean felt the heat rise in his cheeks.
"I was trying to get over my best friend, Jess. It wasn't easy to see my straight best friend happy with other people."
She hummed sympathetically.
"What are you talking about 'straight best friend'," Sam echoed, voice pitching up.
"Cas dated Mick for four months!"
"Mick Davies?" Dean blinked. "I thought they were study buddies!"
Jess snorted.
"They spent spring break together! We found them having breakfast at seven in the morning," Sam shook his head in exasperation.
"They had books on the table, Sam!"
Sam pinched his nose.
"Okay, so what now? Do you still have feelings?"
"Of course I do. I never stopped."
Jess smiled softly.
"Well, what do you think you should do about it?"
Dean shared her smile and popped up and out of the chair.
"Guess I'm driving to Weston."
"Now? It's kind of late Dean. Maybe you should go in the morning," Sam suggested.
"No. We've wasted enough time." Dean said over his shoulder as he opened the front door.
Sam smiled.
Cas stood from the table and brought his plate to the sink. He rinsed the plate and fork, placing both in the dishwasher.
He reached into the cupboard and pulled out a can of cat food. He peeled back the lid, and scooped the pungent flakes of whitefish into Kitty's bowl.
"Psp, psp, psp," Cas called to her, setting the bowl on the mat. He rinsed out her water dish and placed clean water down, too.
The sound of Kitty locking her food was the only sound in the house beside the quiet hum of the refrigerator.
Bending down, Cas scratched down her back and behind her ears.
He straightened and flicked off the light and headed to the living room.
He checked the locks and closed the curtains.
Turning away his eyes caught and held the only personal touch in his otherwise sterile apartment.
The picture still had the power to steal his breath.
The photo was snapped on the day Dean and Cas had graduated college.
Dean was in the middle an arm around Cas's and Sam's shoulders. Smiles spread wide on all three faces.
Dean and Sam were staring straight at the camera. Cas only had eyes for Dean.
Dean with his shining green eyes. His huge heart.
Cas had fallen for Dean almost from day of their first meeting.
He had walked into their dorm room and Dean had turned from his bed and introduced himself.
And from that moment on, Dean became everything. His roommate. Best friend. His greatest love.
His only heartbreak.
Cas's hand unconsciously reached for the photo before he could stop it.
His hand pulled back sharply and fisted at his side.
He pivoted and clicked off the light and went to his room.
He changed into pajamas and brushed his teeth.
Flicking off the bathroom light he walked to his bed in the dark.
The sheets rustled in the dark as he settled against the pillows before he reached out and turned on the bedside lamp.
Sliding his book from the nightstand, he rested it on his knees and opened it to the bookmarked page.
Losing himself in the ecclesiastical vestments Dorian Gray immersed himself in to escape Cas was sharply pulled away by an unmistakable sound.
The deep bass rumble of a 1967 Chevy Impala affectionately called Baby.
Dean.
What happened? Why is Dean here?
Headlights illuminated the bedroom as the car pulled into Cas's driveway.
Cas tossed aside his comforter and left his room, heart beating erratically in his chest.
He took a deep breath before opening the front door and stepping onto the porch.
Dean cut the engine and climbed out, slamming the door. He took a step and froze.
Cas.
His porch light shone soft on his chocolate brown hair. Reading glasses perched on his nose. His arms were crossed tightly across his chest.
Dean moved closer and stopped at the bottom step.
"Heya Cas."
Cas swallowed. So many memories connected to those two words.
"Hello, Dean."
Dean shifted on his feet.
"Why are you here?" Cas asked quietly
"Can I come in? Can we talk inside?"
Cas searched his eyes. He gave a small nod and led the way inside his home.
Dean closed the door with a soft snick and turned to face Cas.
Always so beautiful.
Cas flicked his eyes up to Dean's. Dean was staring at him with an unreadable look.
Dean reached into his back pocket and pulled out a powder blue piece of stationery.
Cas's eyes widened. His stationary.
"What are you doing with that?" Cas asked, his voice thick and clogged with emotion.
Dean gave a slight shake of his head.
"The night you gave me the blue gift bag, with the silver glitter, I went home drunk, and shoved your gift and all the others into my closet."
Dean took a step closer.
"I found this today, when I was packing up my things."
Another step.
"Did you mean it? Do you still feel the same way, Cas?"
Cas looked down at his bare feet and hugged himself tighter.
"Please tell me you still feel the same. Tell me I'm not too late."
Cas's eyes jerked up from the floor and locked onto Dean's. His mouth dropped open.
"What? Dean–"
Dean took the last step and clutched Cas's upper arms.
"I've been in love with you for years." Dean licked his lips before continuing, voice gruff.
"You were walking across the grass in front of the student center. Amelia reached up and pushed the hair off of your forehead. I had this sick feeling in my stomach. And I knew. I knew, Cas. You were it for me. No one else. And I didn't know. Didn't know I had a shot."
He squeezed Cas tighter.
"Please tell me I still have a shot."
Blue eyes searched green.
Cas closed his eyes tightly.
"Am I dreaming?" Cas whispered.
Dean slid one hand up and into the soft hair at the back of Cas’s head. Dean leaned forward and his lips met Cas's. Soft and warm. Cas relaxed into his arms and breathed out a sigh. A sigh of relief that this wasn't a dream. This was real.
They were real.
Cas slid his arms around Dean and pulled him closer. His fingers gripped the back of Dean's t-shirt.
Dean slowly moved his lips across Cas's stubble leaving feather light kisses.
He placed a kiss under the bolt of Cas's jaw and whispered into his ear, "I love you, Sunshine."
Cas opened dazed blue eyes and tilted his head to look at Dean.
"I was heartbroken when I didn't hear from you. I thought…" Cas swallowed.
"I thought that was it. And it never occurred to me you never read it." His lips tipped up at the corners.
"I love you, too Dean. Of course I love you still."
Dean closed his eyes and rested his forehead against Cas's.
Cas pulled back and raised an eyebrow.
"I do intend to punish you thoroughly for placing such a thoughtful gift in the back of your closet for five years."
Dean huffed a laugh.
"Yeah, yeah. Punish me all you like, as long as your're mine."