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Eyes. Too many eyes. Seeing everything. The ceiling and floors and walls all visible at the same time. There is no back. No front. Vision overlaid. The ceiling lights overlapping with the patterns on the floor. Ceiling lights, too bright, shining like an explosion. Doors clipping into each other. Things that should be solid grow blurry and semi transparent, then back to solidity.
Broken bits of something all around. Holes in the floor. Have to avoid. Don't stumble. Dizzy. Out of body but in body. The lights hurt. They burn. Jagged icicles of light in eye. Every eye. Too many eyes. Body hurt. Have to escape pain. Nowhere to escape to. Heart pounds. Can't breathe. Body heavy. Walls are too narrow. Too close. Body thuds against them. More pain. The sound reverberates through the floor.
The gun reverberates even louder. The lights go out one by one.
There is a bright flash and another stab of pain, then darkness. It's like falling asleep and waking from a nightmare. This time there are shapes all around in the dark. Moving shapes, breathing shapes, shapes with noises and heat. Try to run. Can't. Something pulls back. Something around neck. A leash. Somebody leading, tugging. Hate the somebody. Unsafe. Unsafe. They lead towards a gap in the everything. Doesn't hurt to look at. Good. Wants to be closer to the gap. Stops struggling. Walks towards. Ducks below the doorway.
Eyes can't see.
Not very well. What little light that illuminates the room is soft and shifts in multicolour. It soothes in the way a nightlight does. The shadows are dancing and indistinct. The floor is soft. Everywhere is soft. It doesn't hurt to walk on. Somebody removes the leash and backs away quickly. They make noises to the other bodies.
Lays down in a pile of pillows. Body is heavy and it sinks into the pile. Softness everywhere. Doesn't hurt. Heart grows more still. Breathing is easier. Every eye wants to close. Tired. So tired.
The bodies leave.
Alone. Alone for a long time.
Body falls asleep.
Wakes to a voice outside the tent. A second voice joins in. A conversation. The words are indistinct and unfamiliar. There’s a small patch of blueish light that the entrance allows in, and the shadows of the humans fall across it.
Wakes to a voice on another day. One of the ones from outside, except now she’s at the entrance. What she says is garbled like she's underwater. One word feels familiar. Pomni. Is that the sound the humans know her by? The recognition brings a jumble of feelings. One of them is jagged and awful.
Standing, getting out of the pile of cushions. Backing up close to the tent walls. Watching suspiciously.
Pomni says something. She gets as far away as she can without leaving the tent. She waits for a moment like she's asking permission. She sits on the floor and opens the thing in her lap. A book. She starts to speak again and this time it is almost melodic. Body calms.
Both stay at the far ends of the tent. Both sink, comfortable, into a pile of cushions. Keeps an eye open to watch Pomni, but closes the rest. One word keeps coming up. She says it so often. Jax. What does that mean? It's nothing.
Tomorrow is the same. So is the day after that.
Somebody likes to play music outside the tent. It sounds like it’s coming from a small radio. Sometimes someone sings along. Sometimes the song is familiar. Most of the time, though, it’s just another sound muffled by the weight of blankets. It’s… Kind of nice to have something to listen to other than a heartbeat.
Body is in the pillow pile when Pomni comes again. Does not move. Does not stop her when she shuffles closer. She opens a book. The melody of her voice has a rhythm and sometimes a word makes itself understood. The story is about...
The words stop. Pomni says something that ends with Jax, and the Jax is a question. It is irritating in its nothingness, because it feels familiar. Thinks Jax might be a name.
Jax thinks it might be own name.
It's too constricting. It's too short to fit all of the body, large and unruly as it is. There is little point in arguing, though, as that seems to be what everyone has decided is right.
It will do.
Pomni doesn't leave when she normally does. She stays long into what can only be assumed to be the night, because at one point she starts to fall asleep sitting up.
Pomni returns to the tent. Her presence is so familiar that Jax's internal clock understands when she should be there. The words are stickier than they were before and they get caught more often. Jax recognises names like Gangle and Ragatha and wonders why guilt makes the body its home when they come up.
That day, Jax expects another book and another melodic stretch of words. Instead, there are quiet shuffles and metallic thumps as Pomni sets something up. Jax tilts head. Watches. There is another shape on the floor. Pomni sits in the chair in front of it. She takes a deep breath as though she's trying not to be afraid of something. She speaks.
The noise that comes after is familiar. It is the first note of a song, played on a small keyboard. The sounds are all wrong. Pomni plays on, the notes coming slowly. Too slowly, although Jax can't remember how it's supposed to go. Only knows it's supposed to be faster, and that was a sour note, too. Jax huffs a sound almost like a laugh. The song comes to an end shortly after. Pomni looks up expectantly. Jax recognises it as a question, and the sounds finally form into words.
"Was that... Good?"
Jax huffs again.
"Hey!"
The rest of her words fade back into garble, but Jax gets the gist.
Jax still appreciates it when Pomni returns with the digital piano the next day and plays the same song, almost but not quite as badly as before.
That day, Pomni does not come with the piano in hand. She has a picnic basket instead and a red and white checker blanket. She puts the basket down and spreads the blanket out on the ground. She sits with her legs crossed. She ferrets through the basket's contents for a short moment before bringing out a sandwich.
"Hungry?"
Jax is unsure if eating is even an option. There has never been an instinct towards it. Eating is for the other bodies. Pomni takes the silence as hesitation and sets the sandwich on a plate. She puts it down next to her own plate. She starts to eat. She talks about her day between mouthfuls.
"Kinger gave me one of Queenie's old books on entomology. He read the whole thing to her, and he said she really enjoyed it. He says her eyes show her emotions when they change, like a chameleon. Did you know that chameleons change colour according to their mood? I didn't until he told me. He's a lot more lucid these days, even in the light. Usually, at least. Sometimes I still see a bit of the Kinger I met when I first arrived." She pauses. "I think those are his bad days. He's... Still carrying a lot. I think the only way he can handle it sometimes is to forget."
Entomology. Jax does not remember what that is, but it sounds dry.
"I wonder if that's why people abstract, too."
She looks up at Jax. Her eyes are wide and sad.
"Do you... Still remember me?"
Pomni is familiar in the way that a song with a forgotten title is. Maybe Jax heard her on the radio sometime, but can't place when or where. Jax just knows that they met somewhere, sometime before waking up in this body. Jax doesn't know what to say. Not that speaking is an option. Maybe that’s for the best.
Pomni chews on her bottom lip. She asks another question.
"Do your eyes do that thing, too?"
Jax doesn't know.
"I'll have to keep an eye on it." She giggles. "Literally."
She finishes her sandwich.
"Anyway," she says, "I'll read you the book tomorrow."
The words get fuzzier and more difficult to hang onto the less Jax focuses, but Jax doesn't feel like focusing. The words flow through the tent and blend into each other. It's nice. Pomni has a nice voice.
There is still the jagged awful feeling at times, but really, most of the things Jax feels for Pomni are warm.
Pomni has brought the digital piano again. She's actually good this time. She's even learnt to sing and play at the same time. The last time she tried that, her hands kept losing the rhythm of her voice until she was completely out of time.
"I'm half crazy," she sings, "all for the love of you."
Jax likes this song. It would have been nice to sing along, but the body had its restrictions and the lack of a voice was one of them. Still, though. It's nice to listen. Jax's body relaxes. It becomes an under filled water balloon. It flops, wobbling, onto the stool. The heart calms and goes unheard and un-felt. The music flows through the body and brushes a hand over the ridges until they smooth and the eyes close.
A low sound rumbles in duet with the music. Pomni plays the last note and there is quiet for a second before she giggles.
"Are you... Purring?"
Jax stops abruptly, lifting the head to look Pomni in the eye.
"No, no. Keep going. It's a nice sound. I just... I didn't realise abstractions could purr."
Every eye rolls, but the purring doesn't stop. Pomni's eyes well up. Jax's own eyes train on her, trying to understand why.
"I wish... I wish I could've seen you happy like this when you were... You." She sniffles. "And I know there's still a bit of you in there, but—but we can't joke together anymore. Y'know?"
Jax doesn't remember what she's talking about. There are no memories of what it's like to not be like this. It's probably true. Jax doesn't know.
"Ragatha keeps telling me it's not my fault. I know she's not just saying it." She lets out a sigh. "I still can't believe her."
What isn't her fault? Anyway, Ragatha is probably right.
Pomni fills the silence with a few notes of the piano. She noodles out a short melody. It's familiar somehow. Jax suspects that she stole it from a song and doesn't remember.
"Can I sleep here tonight?" asks Pomni.
She is holding a pillow and blanket under her armpit. She's not wearing what she usually wears. She's in sleep shorts and an oversized t-shirt with some writing on it that Jax can't read. She doesn't have her hat on. She looks drained. Her cheeks are wet and shiny. Jax tries to figure out how to answer her. It's not clear which noises the humans take as affirmative. Jax considers it for a moment.
Jax nods.
Pomni manages a tired smile. She places her bedding on the floor. When she lays down, her head rests close to Jax's.
"I miss you," she whispers.
Pomni hadn't visited that day. Jax missed her too. There seems to be no reason to keep missing her, though, given that she's right there.
"It's worse today." Pomni's voice is hollow. "I'm not sure I should tell you why. I don't know how much you understand me. How much you remember these talks."
She pauses. Her round eyes dart to the roof, to the walls and back to Jax. She makes a decision.
"Kinger tried to find a way to... Un-abstract you. To make you whole again. A bunch of your file data got corrupted, and you're all we have left. He thought we could pick up those pieces and put them back together, especially with Caine cooperating."
Jax already knows by the tone what she's going to say.
"He can't. You're gone. Forever."
She stops, her voice choking. She takes a breath and keeps going.
"You don't get to be you."
Tears form in the corner of her eyes.
"And you never... You had so many things you didn't allow yourself to want, but you did want them. You never got to have it. I wish you would've said something. I wish I would've pried. We wouldn't have laughed at you, I swear. You would've been such a lovely girl. So—" she hiccups—"so happy. I want you to be happy."
A lovely girl? Jax tries to remember what she's talking about. Heart rate jumps up. Doesn't understand. Memories gone and foggy and too much.
“It’s just not right.” She sniffles again. “You should be with us."
Jax hears the words but doesn't process them. The mind is still glued to girl. It feels familiar. More familiar than Jax, even. Like it'd fit better.
"Caine's better now. He's opened a clothing shop with new clothing models and we can wear whatever we like. You... Did you like dresses? Anything. I'd make sure it was yours."
Does Jax like dresses?
She—
Remembers. That is, Jax remembers. Yes, she does. She is not sure why it took her so long to remember such a simple thing. It stretches her cramped name aside and forces space between the J and X. It curls up in her chest and lays there warmly. It is comforting and painful at the same time like a too-hot shower. It scalds her skin but she can't bring herself to turn it down. She makes a deep noise in the back of what would be her throat. Pomni looks up at her. She’s still crying.
Jax lowers her head to the ground and pushes it against the underside of her chin.
"You're purring again."
Jax responds by purring louder.
"Are you happy like this?"
She likes napping in comfortable nests of cushions and blankets. She likes listening to Pomni talk. She has all of those things. Why wouldn't she be?
"You—you seem happier. I don't think I ever saw you this calm. This affectionate."
Pomni relaxes. She presses her forehead to Jax's.
"Even if I do miss how you were... I'm glad I have you at all."
Her purrs reverberate through Pomni's head.
"I still love you like this. Okay? I promise I do."
Pomni wraps her arms around her neck. She buries her face in her skin and takes a deep, wet breath. Jax can hear the snot in the back of her nostrils.
You're gross, she wants to tell her. And lame.
She wants to tell her I love you too even more.
Jax keeps purring until Pomni cries herself out. She doesn't know much about humans, but she knows that sometimes all a human needs is a long cry and a hug. She doesn't know how. She supposes it's another half remembered song. Pomni’s grip loosens as her body relaxes. Her breathing evens out until it's so slow and relaxed that it's almost imperceptible. Jax closes her eyes and joins her in sleep.
In the morning Jax wakes to a familiar voice, although less familiar than Pomni's. It’s Ragatha, she thinks.
"Hi, Jax," she says, quietly. Then, louder, "Pomni?"
Jax opens her eyes and fixes them on her. Pomni is still curled, small and fetal, close to her body. She stirs at Ragatha's voice. She pulls her arms away from Jax and the cold left in their absence is jarring. She rolls onto her back and sprawls out.
"Morning," she mumbles. She rubs an eye. "Did I miss breakfast again?"
"No, we were just about to start. I didn’t feel right about starting without you.”
Pomni gives her a weak smile.
“You can if you want to. It’s okay.”
“I-I know, but.” Ragatha twists her hands together. She gives a nervous glance to Jax, then to Pomni. “It’s… You know.” She takes a breath. “None of us want you feeling lonely whilst you’re going through something. Especially not... Something as big as this.”
Pomni’s smile grows more genuine.
“It’s sweet of you to think of me.”
Ragatha gives her a little It’s nothing shrug. She takes a few steps forward. Her skirts swish as she moves.
“You don’t have to, but… We’d love to see you there.”
She holds a hand out for Pomni. Pomni looks between Jax and Ragatha, then at her own body. She reaches up and takes her hand, soft glove against soft fabric. Ragatha holds onto her wrist with her free hand and pulls. Pomni stretches, then turns to look at Jax.
“You don’t mind?”
Jax rolls her eyes. She understands. They’re worried about Pomni. They think she needs to spend more time in the light. Jax doesn’t get the appeal. Still, though. She’s tired of all this dithering. Pomni will leave and come back, the same as she always does. She lifts her head. She aims it for Pomni’s midsection and shoves. She stumbles back.
“Wah—hey!”
She bumps into Ragatha, who lets out a squeak of surprise. She catches Pomni by her underarms before she can fall.
“You okay?”
“I’m fine.” She shoots Jax a grin. “You shithead.”
Jax snickers. The sound bounces through her body pleasantly.
“You happy to take that as a yes?”
“Definitely.”
Pomni straightens up and brushes herself off. She and Ragatha walk off together. The breakfast table must be set up near Jax’s tent, because she can still hear them talking. She can’t make out what they’re saying anymore. She watches the golden patch of light at the entrance. It shrinks, grows, moves and shifts as the humans cast their shadows over it. Voices get louder, then drift away, then turn to a chorus of laughter. It sounds like a lullaby.