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The first time Jax and Kinger really talk, they’re holed up alone in some losers’ room during an adventure.
She leans back, sighing in annoyance, muttering something about how she’s only here because of a glitch, and how Ribbit and Kaufmo are gonna annoy the hell out of her for being eliminated so early later.
Her hair bunches up against the wall, and she slowly turns her head to look at Kinger, who’s staring back at her.
“What the hell are you lookin’ at me like that for?”
“No reason.” Kinger responds without missing a beat. “Just thinking.”
“About what.”
“Do you really want to hear?”
“Well, I dunno what weird, perverted little thoughts you have going on up there. Do I?”
Kinger shrugs.
Or, he shrugs to the best of his ability. Considering he does not have shoulders.
“I’m thinking about my wife.”
“...oookay. She in the real world?”
“She abstracted before Ragatha got here.”
“Oh.”
Jax stares in silence for a second, processing what Kinger just said.
“...she was in here with you?”
“Yep.”
“...that sucks.”
“It does suck. But it’s okay. It’s been a while.”
Jax looks away from Kinger. “That doesn’t make it suck any less though.”
Jax can feel Kinger’s eyes on her as he seems to study her. She tries everything in her power not to glance back. She doesn’t like the feeling that someone is peeling back her layers like she’s some sort of onion. Openly being a girl in front of everyone else is embarrassing enough sometimes, she doesn’t need them to dig any deeper.
“Yeah. It doesn’t, does it?”
Jax leans back further in her seat as Kinger continues.
“I’ve also been thinking about my kids a lot more, recently.”
Jax freezes. She can feel her body tense as her eyes widen, and she slowly turns her head to look at him.
“Your… kids.”
“My kids! My daughters, to be specific.”
“You… had kids.”
Kinger nods. “Yeah. They were around… four years old and two years old when we entered the circus? I think. They probably went to their aunt. I just really hope they’re okay.”
“You. Had kids.”
Jax isn’t sure why she’s so fixated on that. She’s taking more time to process it than she would have if Kinger had straight up just admitted he was a murderer. It feels like her brain needs a reboot.
“You. Had. Kids.”
Kinger raises an eyebrow.
“I… did. Yes. That’s… not some sort of issue, is it?”
Jax does not respond. She just stares at him like he's grown a second head.
Suddenly, she notices the sickly sweet tone he’s been using the entire conversation. She loathes it.
“I’m sure they’re fine,” Kinger says. He clearly thinks that’s what’s distressing Jax right now. “I mean, we disappeared out of nowhere. The babysitter must have called the police… and like I said, they’re probably with their aunt right now. Or, were with their aunt. Both of them are probably all grown up by now.”
He stares into the distance and gives a wistful sigh. Jax decides she loathes that too. That stupid sigh. What is he sighing about? She’s certain his kids don’t even remember him.
She chooses not to say that part out loud.
She’s not entirely sure where all these thoughts are suddenly coming from. She decides to just wait and see what happens.
“Okay.”
“...do you have anyone outside the circus you think about?” Kinger asks gently.
Jax responds with the coldest glare she thinks she’s ever given anyone.
“...you don’t have to answer if you don’t want to,” is all he says in response. It’s infuriating. He’s trying to pry information out of her and is trying to act so casual about it like he’s not doing anything wrong, like this is totally normal, when they’ve never talked before and they’re not starting now. Jax isn’t an idiot, she’s not going to give him anything personal for him to use against her. The story of what happened to her mother is for Ribbit’s ears only.
She isn’t even fully sure if she’s okay with that, yet, either. No way in hell is Kinger going to know.
“Okay,” Jax hisses. “Then I don’t want to. It’s none of your business.”
Kinger’s facial expression is tainted with a twinge of concern, but he nods.
“Alright. That’s fine.”
Good.
“I just want you to know that if you ever want to talk -”
“I don’t.”
They leave it at that. Kaufmo appears in the room soon after, and Jax forcibly shifts her focus immediately by making fun of him. He grumbles something about a glitch in the adventure as well.
-
Jax can hear Ribbit saying something muffled through the door.
She might be able to make out what they’re saying if she focused intently, or, more simply opened the door. She opts not to do either. Her head feels like it’s filled with static and she’s floating.
She stares at the wall, at the polaroids with her friends. She stares at pictures of herself with Ribbit, with Kaufmo, with Ragatha. With Kinger.
She never realised how many of the group photos involved Kinger.
She doesn’t move. She doesn’t cry. She doesn’t blink. She just stares.
Ribbit comes in eventually, or at least, she’s pretty sure they do. They open and shut the door pretty quickly and she thinks she hears a lock click. She thinks she feels the weight of her bed shift slightly as they sit down. She’s not entirely paying attention. They’re talking again, and she’s not listening again. What a bad friend she is.
Jax thinks about that night. She thinks about how Ribbit knows what she did to her mom, and how she’s the only person in the world who knows. She doesn’t know why Ribbit hasn’t held it over her head yet, or why she hasn’t threatened to tell anyone, or whatever. The thought hadn’t crossed her mind in months, but suddenly she’s worried about everything that she knows won’t happen because Ribbit is perfect and they’d never manipulate her but what if they do? What if they’re manipulating her right now and she just doesn’t know because they’ve succeeded and also because she’s being a terrible friend and not listening to what they’re saying?
…Can she listen?
She tries, for a second, to fully focus on what Ribbit is saying, but they don’t entirely feel real when she does. It just feels like they’re on different sides of a thick piece of glass. Or, more accurately, Ribbit is talking to someone else, and Jax is an observer watching through the glass. She doesn’t know what they’re saying. All she knows is that they’re here.
She doesn’t know when they stop talking. She’s not even sure if they’re still there or if they were ever there in the first place.
Everything clears after a bit, and she moves for the first time in hours to turn and lie on her back.
“Jax? Are you with me?” she hears Ribbit ask. It’s only now she’s fully registering that Ribbit is there with her, squeezing her hand and has likely been doing so for a while.
“I think so,” she mumbles.
“Hey. Is everything alright?” Ribbit says, shifting her body so she’s lying next to Jax. “You seemed kinda… Well, ‘kinda off’ is a bit of an understatement.”
Jax does not push her off or away. She does not let go of their hand. She’s not sure why.
She doesn’t say anything for a minute. She thinks about the adventure, about finding out Kinger’s a father, about how disgusting his tone felt only after she found that out. She thinks about how he tried to get information out of her she was certain he’d use against her later. She thinks about how it’s so weird to imagine a man as crazy, or goofy, or wacky, or even as ‘kind’ as him as a parent and the man of the house. Worst of all, she thinks about how she actually felt safe, and warm when he spoke. When he told her she could talk to him whenever she wants. She hates herself for it.
She doesn’t know what to respond to Ribbit with for a good long while.
After a couple minutes, she impulsively chokes out, “I miss my mom.”
Jax starts to cry.
-
They end up alone again after a couple months, this time in the circus rather than on an adventure.
Jax strolls the circus when she can’t sleep and if Ribbit isn’t still awake for her to bother, seeing if she can find any new rooms or any new places Caine might have added. It’s nothing new for her, and neither is the pillow fort in the middle of the foyer.
What is new is Kinger still being awake and apparently putting new pillows on his fort.
Jax freezes as she sees him in the distance. She attempts to turn around before he catches a glimpse of her but she’s too late when he yells, “Oh, hey Jax!”
Jax turns back around, trying not to let her emotions show on her face. “Hey.”
“Why’re you still up? Aren’t everyone usually asleep by now?”
“Well, yeah, I was just…taking a walk. I dunno.”
“Ohhhh, okay. Makes sense!” Kinger says enthusiastically. “Do you want to come inside?”
“Inside where?”
“The pillow fort!” Kinger says, proudly gesturing to it.
She doesn’t want to.
She really doesn’t want to.
“...yeah. Okay. If you want.”
She gets on her hands and knees and crawls into the fort with Kinger. It really wasn’t made for two people, it’s cramped and it’s small. It’s still weirdly comfortable, yet Jax quickly shoves that idea out of her mind because being alone in a tiny dark room with Kinger is not comfortable.
“Couldn’t sleep?” Kinger says, breaking the silence.
“No. Not really.”
“That’s okay. Some nights are just like that, I get it. Today was an exhausting adventure, after all.”
God, she hates that tone. It sounds like Kinger is trying to coax something out of her, like he wants her to open up despite the fact that she knows he’s going to use it against her. Even worse, she feels like she wants to talk, and she hates that feeling with every fiber in her body.
What is she even doing here?
“Yeah, it was,” Jax mutters.
Why is he even trying to be so nice? Normally, he’s meant to be losing his mind.
Wait. Why isn’t he losing his mind?
Jax realises she has no idea why the hell Kinger’s been acting so normal. The other time, too, when they were stuck in the loser room, Kinger seemed completely normal, nothing like his usual self.
“Is something the matter?”
“No,” Jax immediately shoots back, because the last thing she wants is to open up to him like he seems to want her to.
“Alright,” Kinger says. “I just want you to know that -”
“‘It’s okay if you wanna talk’, yadda yadda, you already told me this.”
“Did I?” Kinger questions.
“In the loser room? During that one adven - do you really not remember ????” Jax asks.
“Ah, yeah, I’m sure you could probably tell, but my memory is… not the greatest sometimes,” Kinger says with a small laugh. Jax hates it. She hates everything about him. She really doesn’t want to be here. “What did we talk about?”
“I dunno,” Jax mumbles. “You said you were thinking about your wife. And… your kids.” She spits out the last word like it’s acid. She’s still not sure why it bothers her so much.
“Ohh,” Kinger says. He doesn’t seem to notice the iciness emanating off of Jax, or if he does, he doesn’t acknowledge it. “That makes sense. I do think about them a lot.”
“...and then…”
“...and then what?”
Why is she saying this?
“...and then you asked if I was thinking about anyone outside the circus.”
“What did you respond?”
“I said it’s none of your business,” Jax snaps. Kinger nods.
“Ah, okay. Thank you for catching me up.”
“Whatever.”
Kinger plays with his hands as Jax sits there, staring into space. She wants to leave so badly but she can’t, and she doesn’t know why. She wishes she was in her room right now.
“If you couldn’t sleep in your room,” Kinger starts, breaking the silence, “do you want to spend the night here? It’s very cozy.”
“No,” Jax retorts. “I would rather abstract.”
-
Jax wakes up the next morning curled up in the pillow fort next to Kinger, who is still sleeping.
It's soft. She feels warm again.
She scrambles out in a panic. She bolts back to her room and locks the door.
She decides not to go on today’s adventure.
-
It takes her a couple hours (or was it a couple minutes? Could've been a couple days as far as she knew) of lying in bed and staring at the ceiling to realise exactly why she hated that tone of Kinger’s so much.
It was the same tone her mother would use after berating her for hours and subsequently trying to comfort her as if she hadn’t just stripped Jax of all of her self worth and dignity.
She hates her mom.
She hates her dad.
She hates Kinger.
-
She hears Ribbit banging on the door. She doesn’t know how long she’s been in her room, honestly. She remembers hearing other people passing by, knocking on the door, trying to say something. Her ears never actually pick up their words. Kaufmo, Ragatha, Gangle, hell, even Zooble’s been trying to see where she’s been all day despite the fact that they just got there like a week ago and barely know her.
Ribbit’s been by the most though. She remembers her muffled voice coming through most clearly and most frequently.
She should get up.
She doesn’t want to get up.
She doesn't need to get up if she doesn't want to. She doesn't need to eat, drink, breathe. She doesn't need to do anything.
She gets up anyway.
She opens the door.
Ribbit catches a glimpse of her face and immediately flings themself onto her in a hug.
“JAX! Oh my gosh, thank god you're okay, I was so worried I really thought -”
Ribbit seems to realise what she’s doing and slowly pulls away.
“Sorry. Impulse.”
Jax stares down at them blankly.
“...it’s fine.”
“Are you sure? I don’t want to make you uncomfortable,” Ribbit says, staring up at her with those giant eyes, and Jax really can’t bring herself to say anything else so she just nods and Ribbit immediately begins squeezing her again.
“Gosh, Jax, I was so worried - I really thought you’d abstracted or something.”
Jax doesn’t respond or hug Ribbit back. Her head still feels foggy. She just stares ahead.
Ribbit seems to pick up on this and closes the door behind them, and leads Jax to the bed, where the two of them sit on the edge.
“Hey. Is everything alright? You haven’t been out of your room in like… ages.”
“Like a day?” Jax mutters. Truth be told, she doesn’t know how long she’s been in there. A day is her best guess.
“What? No, like, three.”
“Three days…?” Jax stares at them vacantly.
“Yeah.”
“Oh.”
Jax tenses up and turns her gaze at the floor because she really can’t look at Ribbit right now.
“Jax seriously… I know you don't like talking about this stuff but you were in your room, unresponsive, for so long,” Ribbit says worriedly. “I just… I wanna make sure you're okay. And I know you're not.”
Jax ponders for a second before responding, “Okay. But not right now.”
Ribbit nods.
“Yeah. That's fine. But I want you to talk soon, okay? I don't want this happening again.” Ribbit casts her gaze downwards as her voice begins trembling. “I was really scared. I really thought…”
They look up at her, eyes slightly teary.
“Just, next time you're feeling like this or anything, just come to my room, okay? Or even give me the key to your room so I can come in if something like this happens again, I promise I won't use it unless I'm really, really worried. Even if you don't want to talk… I want to know you're okay.”
The idea of giving Ribbit access to her room whenever they want scares her a little, but Jax nods anyway.
“Okay. I will.”
Ribbit relaxes slightly. “Thanks. Now come on. I think you need to get out of this room.”
“I don't really want to see everyone else right now,” Jax mumbles. Three days, and she still doesn't want to face Kinger. How pathetic.
“That's fine, we can hang out in my room. Just anywhere but here is fine for now.”
-
It's only after a couple hours of talking and chilling in Ribbit's room does Jax finally feel comfortable enough to talk about it.
“Okay, so, um, a couple months ago, remember that adventure where Kinger and I both lost early on?”
Ribbit snorts. “How could I forget? You and Kaufmo suck! At least I was second to Rags.”
Jax giggles. “Shut uppppp. Anyways, so, before Kaufmo got to the Loser Room, Kinger and I… talked? It was weird, he wasn't like, crazy or however he usually is. He was like… actually talking coherently. He was talking about his wife or something.”
Ribbit nodds intently.
“Then he said that… he said that he had kids.”
Jax remains silent for a second.
“Then what?” Ribbit prompts.
“I don't…” Jax puts her hand over her mouth, trying to figure out how to word it without sounding insane or overly dramatic. “It kinda freaked me out.”
“That he had kids?”
“Yeah. I - I don't know, it sounds so stupid, but it was just… I dunno. Then he started asking me about my life, and…”
Ribbit's expression turns to one of pity.
“I didn't want to tell him. Obviously. So I just told him it was none of his business.”
“Yeah, that's, uh, fair,” Ribbit mutters. “Why'd that affect you now though?”
“Um, well, last night, or the other night I guess, everyone else was asleep and, uh, I couldn't fall asleep. So I took a walk and he saw me. He ended up inviting me into his pillow fort and I really didn't want to go.”
“So you didn't?”
“...no. I did.”
“If you didn't want to go, why'd you go in?” Ribbit asks. Jax shrugs.
“I - I don't know, it just felt… wrong? Not to? I guess?” Jax says. “Like I was gonna be in trouble if I said no.”
“Like you'd be in trouble with Kinger??” Ribbit asks.
“...I don't know. I guess I just felt obligated. I don't know how else to describe it,” Jax mutters. Ribbit nods.
“S - So then I went inside. And he was like. Normal again. I don't know why, or how, he just was. He didn't remember the stuff he said in the Loser Room, though, and I had to remind him. Then he started…”
Jax trails off and avoids Ribbit's gaze.
“Jax?”
“He started saying stuff like, ‘if you ever want to talk then you can,’ or whatever it is,” Jax mumbles. “And it was… it was so weird. It felt like he just wanted information out of me. Like he just wanted me to give him stuff about my life that he can just bring up whenever he wants.”
“Why would Kinger want that?” Ribbit asks, and it sounds like it's a rhetorical question. Jax answers it anyway.
“I don't know. It was so weird. But his tone sounded so gentle and I hated it. I hate him.”
Ribbit studies Jax’s face and moves closer to her.
“Are you scared of him?”
“No, it’s not… I’m not scared of him. I don't even hate him normally. I just hate him when he's like that.”
“...when he's softer.”
“I guess.”
“Is that all that happened?”
“...I spent the night in the pillow fort. I said I wouldn't, and then I fell asleep in there. And I woke up and…” Jax suppresses a sob that’s trying to force its way out of her chest. Why is she about to cry? That's so stupid. “I was curled up next to him. And it was comfortable. And warm. And I hated it. That's when I went back to my room.”
Ribbit nods slowly.
“Just to be clear, that's all that happened, right? He's never been… lucid? I guess? Around you before?” Ribbit asks. Jax nods quietly. They slowly move their hands towards Jax’s and take them gently. She does not resist. “Okay. Um. I want to ask you something. But it's kind of loaded. So if you don't want to get into it right now, we really don't have to.”
“...what is it about?”
“...it's about your… situation… before the circus.”
Jax tenses up and considers this for a second. She eventually decides, “Okay. Ask.”
“...does Kinger remind you of your mom at all?”
Jax jerks her hands back away from Ribbit’s and scrambles backward.
“Jax -”
“Shut up.”
“I told you you don't have to talk about it if -”
“I said shut up,” Jax hisses. She stumbles towards the door in a panic and pushes it open as Ribbit tries to chase after her. She knew it. She was right, Ribbit was holding this over her, they were just trying to get the upper hand in their relationship. They couldn't hold the fact that they know she's a girl over her head anymore so now they're using her mother like leverage but they don't realise Jax isn't going to stand for that shit and -
-
Jax knocks on Ribbit's door that night and apologises.
She ends up on their bed, crying softly in their arms.
She spends the night in their room after their insistence. They cuddle. Jax feels warm again, but it doesn’t feel terrible this time around.
-
Jax avoids Kinger on most of their adventures now, and only Ribbit really notices. The newbie in the circus, Pomni, is the person who everyone is focusing more on anyway.
She's become friends with Kinger, apparently, or had a life changing experience while they were stuck in Hell on one of the adventures or something. Jax doesn't really care. She hadn't really been paying attention on that one. She was too busy with Ribbit flicking sugar cubes at Gangle and Kaufmo from across the table while having tea with a ghost to think about what Pomni and Kinger were getting up to.
Pomni's fine, Pomni's nice. Jax doesn’t really find herself gravitating towards her too much, not yet anyway, especially with all the grand talk she's done about Kinger and how great he is.
“Jax, saying ‘he wasn't too bad’ once is not ‘grand talk about Kinger and how great he is’,” Ribbit mocks. Jax rolls her eyes.
“Whatever you say, Froggie.”
Other than that, Pomni's a nice addition to the group, or at least Jax thinks so anyway. Ragatha tries to spend time around her a lot. She actually laughs at Kaufmo's dumb jokes too. Jax recalls Gangle mentioning something about Pomni closing for her during the Spudsy’s adventure, and Zooble seems to appreciate that.
Ribbit seems to like her a lot as well. They make a lot of jokes about inviting her to be their third, to the point where neither of them are sure it's a joke anymore.
Jax wouldn't mind, though. Ribbit knows that.
Kinger seems to like Pomni a lot, though. Jax doesn't like that.
-
Jax wakes up in a cold sweat, panting.
She tries to shake off the nightmare, but to no avail.
It's nothing she's not used to, a blend of her memories before the circus and her friends and her parents and her dad disappearing and his mom is on the ground. Unmoving. And all he can do is stare and stare at his hand and the unmoving figure and is she dead? Or is she just pretending to be? No - no she can't be dead, all he did was shove her. She must be pretending but what if she's not. What if she's actually dead because he rejected a fucking hug from his mother what if he murdered her what if he’s a criminal now what if he killed his fucking mother what if -
The memory is lingering longer than usual.
She chokes back a sob and forces her mouth close so she doesn't let out a whine she can feel building up in her throat.
She wants her mom. She wants her mom more than anything right now.
Her room feels suffocating.
She thinks about going to Ribbit's room like they had offered, but they're definitely asleep, and Jax had already done her fair share of venting to her already. It's not that she didn't trust them, it's just not really something she wants to talk about. And she knows she'll talk about it with Ribbit if they push.
Then a horrible, horrible idea hits her.
Kinger's probably awake right now.
He did say that Jax could talk to him whenever.
No. No. Jax is not going to go to Kinger's stupid pillow fortress and spill her guts out to someone she knows is going to use that information against her. No. She's not going to do that.
…it takes her a moment to register that she's out the door and walking down the hall.
She's going to Kinger's pillow fort, isn't she.
She's already by the door by the time she comes to the decision that she needs to go back to her room and just suck it up. The only thing separating her and an awkward sit down with Kinger is the action of her making her presence known and -
“Oh, Jax!”
Kinger notices her from inside the pillow fort and moves some of the pillows aside from the entrance. “Come in!”
Okay. Well. Never mind then.
Jax finds herself crawling into the pillow fort and draws her knees to her chest to fit next to Kinger.
“What brings you by?”
Jax says nothing. She doesn't think she could say anything without bursting into tears in front of him, and that's the last thing she wants right now. She feels a gazillion alarm bells going off in her head right now even though, logically, she knows she's not in danger.
So she doesn't respond. She just stares downwards.
Kinger's expression morphs into that of concern. “Are you alright?”
She wants to say ‘no’, so, so badly, and she hates how much she wants to say it.
She doesn't say anything. She just keeps staring.
“Did something happen?”
She does not respond.
“Did you… could you not sleep again?”
She does not respond.
She does not respond.
She shakes her head.
“Then… Did you have a bad dream?”
She can feel pinpricks of tears forming in the corner of her eyes.
She nods as subtly as possible.
“Do you want to talk about it?”
She can't really do anything more than curl more into herself than she already has.
She hates him. She hates him so much.
She shakes her head.
She's not giving him anything he can use against her, she's not giving him the upper hand -
“That's alright. You don't have to.”
She doesn't move. She doesn't know how to react.
“To be honest, I’m not having the greatest night either.”
Jax looks up, bleary-eyed, and just stares at him, waiting for him to continue. He sees her face and by the way his concern seems to heighten, he definitely notices how she looks like she’s about a second away from crying. He does not openly acknowledge it and shifts the subject instead.
“Yeah, I’m, uh, thinking about my wife again. Sappy, right?”
Jax says nothing. She continues staring at him.
“I’ve never been good with loss. I was a mess when she abstracted. For months, the only other person around was Caine. I didn’t cry, or scream, or anything. I just felt like I was just… trying my best to exist. And not join her.”
Jax isn’t entirely sure why he’s sharing all this with her. She has nothing to say in response, and even if she did, it’s not like she would choose to respond. Not when she feels like she’s about to burst with every deep inhale she takes.
She’s never really lost anyone. The only person she’s really lost was… her own fault, and that’s a stretch considering she doesn’t even know if she actually died from the shove or not.
Then Kinger says he’s been thinking about his daughters and Jax immediately snaps to full attention.
“I really wish I could be there for them… They’re okay out there, I know it, that’s not what I’m worried about. It just… hurts to know I’ve probably missed so many big milestones in their lives. Their graduation, their first partners, their birthdays. I must have missed so many of their birthdays by now.”
He remembers the last birthday he spent with his mother. He was turning nineteen, and his mother had baked a small batch of cupcakes. She didn’t have much time to spend with Jax considering the shifts she had to pick up to support the both of them, so when the clock struck 12am on his birthday, she lit a candle on a singular cupcake and they cut into it together. She gave him a hug he did not reciprocate, and passed a comment about how big of a man he was becoming.
He never spent a birthday with his father. He was never around for any of them.
“I remember for my older one’s first birthday, we held this huge party, and I think I blew up around… 50 balloons?” Kinger gazes wistfully into the distance for a second before looking back at Jax. “We got this pink cake for her, and my wife bought her this little gold fairy dress for her to wear. We said that when she turned eighteen, we’d try to get her a similar one, even without the fairy wings.”
“Stop.”
Kinger looks up in surprise at Jax as she chokes out the first word she’s said the entire time. It takes everything in her not to start crying right there and then.
“Stop talking about your kids,” Jax manages to rasp out. Kinger’s eyes widen slightly more, and Jax can’t tell if he’s hurt or not. She should probably be worried about that. She isn’t, not really. The pressure on her chest is growing by the second and she wants to leave more than anything.
Kinger slowly nods. “Alright. I’ll stop. Am I making you uncomfortable?”
Jax ever so slightly nods.
“Well, we don’t want that, now do we?”
We don’t?
“Of course not,” Kinger says, and only then does Jax realise she says it aloud. “Why would you think I’d want that?”
“I - I…” Jax tries to string together words, but her heart only starts beating faster and she starts to choke on her words.
“Jax,” Kinger says gently. “If you don’t want to talk about it, that’s completely fine. You don’t have to say anything you don’t want to.”
…this is so weird.
Her mom would have yelled at her for being weak by now, and she would’ve said something about how crying’s not for boys so wipe your tears, wash your face and suck it up!
Kinger doesn’t seem to care about that.
Jax really doesn't know what to do in response to his kindness. So when she feels a tear leak from her eyes, she simply buries her head in her knees and sits there, trying to obstruct his view of her.
She hears Kinger shift so he's sitting beside her. She feels his hand slowly press into her back, and she leans into it.
Why is she leaning into it?
He slowly pulls Jax closer towards her so her head is pressed against his robe, and it doesn't take her long before she's grabbing at his robe as she sobs into it, tears streaming down her face, as Kinger rubs circles into her back.
She feels so warm, and she hates it. She's crying into his robe. She shouldn't be crying into his robe, she shouldn't be letting him rub circles on her back, not when she knows he's going to use this against her, not when she knows the gesture is empty. Not when she knows he doesn't actually care and is just doing this because he's obligated to, when she's the one who came to him and started crying out of nowhere.
How stupid is she?
She keeps on going and going as well, his robe getting damper by the second, and she even whines at some points. She's so loud, and it's so much more open than what she's used to. She doesn't normally cry; her usual go-to is to just lie in bed and stare at the ceiling. Or just leave, even if she doesn't do it intentionally. Even if it sucks sometimes, even if it's inconvenient, at least she's feeling nothing. Feeling nothing is better than feeling the worst.
She never cries. If she does, it's quiet and soft and it's palatable. That's only ever reserved for when she's around Ribbit.
Not Kinger.
Jax still hates him. She hates him for making her feel safe enough to cry so outwardly around him, she hates how stupidly he talks with that tone, she hates how he actually seems to care about her, and worst of all, she hates how he seems like he'd have been a good father to his daughters if he was still around in the real world.
She still wants her mom.
-
Jax wakes up the next morning curled up in Kinger's lap.
He's still asleep. She's still groggy and she feels comfortable.
She snuggles into him more and falls back asleep.
-
She scrambles out again like she did the first time once she properly realises where she is and what she’s doing. However, true to her promise, she stumbles towards Ribbit's door rather than her own.
Then she remembers she doesn't really want to talk right now, and with the way she looks right now, Ribbit absolutely will absolutely want her to talk.
Against her better judgement, she knocks on Pomni's room door instead.
-
“Hey, Jax.”
Jax looks up from where she's been sitting in the jester's room to look at her.
“Yeah?”
“Do you dissociate a lot?”
“Huh?”
Pomni seems to regret what she said and immediately tries to go back on her words.
“I mean - sorry, sorry, I shouldn't have assumed, haha. Or have been so blunt.”
“No, I mean… what's ‘dissociate’?” Jax mumbles. As she does, she slowly becomes more and more aware of her surroundings, and digs her hands into the carpet. She tries to focus on the furry mat against her hands to ground herself.
“Oh, you don't know?”
“No?”
“Okay… um, the best way I can explain it is when you're kinda detached?”
“Detached from what?”
“The world around you? And yourself. Mostly yourself. Like your feelings and body and stuff,” Pomni explains.
“Oh,” Jax says. “Why do you think I do that?”
“Well uh.” Pomni fiddles with her thumbs, choosing her words carefully. “You kinda came into my room, sat on the ground and stared into space for like an hour? Not responding to anything I said?”
“Oh, wait, that's what that is????” Jax exclaimed, surprised. Pomni gives a small laugh.
“Yeah,” she says. “Do you do that a lot?”
Jax shrugs. “I mean, I dunno. It’s mostly just when I’m like, upset, or whatever. Sometimes I don’t even realise I’m doing it till Ribbit tells me. Or when I realise I remember literally nothing about the day.”
Pomni nods. “Yeah, it’s not typically, uh, a conscious thing you choose to do. It’s like a coping mechanism!”
“Well it’s really annoying,” Jax mutters.
“Yeah, it can be,” Pomni says. “Uh, anyway, are you doing alright?”
“...I don’t know.”
“Did something happen?”
“Yeah.”
“You want to talk about it?”
“No.”
“Okay. You want a distraction?”
“...that’d be great.”
-
She starts hanging out with Pomni a bit more after that.
She starts hanging out with Pomni even more after she finds out how fun she is when they're paired up during the battle royale game.
Ribbit does too.
She continues avoiding Kinger. He seems to act as if their interactions never happened.
-
Finding out you’re not a real person isn’t exactly a fun experience. Finding out you’re actually just the copy of someone who’s still out there and is probably still homeless (or even dead) and you just retained their memories and showed up here one day is an even worse experience.
It’s so fun to know that her true self might still be homeless out in the real world. Or in jail. Or, if she thinks realistically, dead.
That is fuuuuun. Fun fun fun fun fun.
She doesn’t panic or scream or cry when she finds out they’re brainscans. No. She just stares again. Like she does whenever she's upset. She can feel Ribbit clinging onto her and she does her best to hug her back but that’s about it.
Also, she wants Kinger out of her sight. Immediately. She doesn’t know what kind of nerve he has to suddenly reveal that not only did he help develop Caine, not only did he hide this from everyone else for years for no reason, but then he proceeded to accidentally delete Caine, effectively causing parts of the circus to deteriorate and everything to go grey.
She slinks off after a bit to think. Everyone’s gone her separate ways anyways, and though she’d rather be with Ribbit or Pomni or both right now, she doesn’t think she’d be able to keep herself composed if she’s around them. She doesn’t have the mental capacity to do so, currently.
She finds a corner and just sits there. She doesn’t know for how long, or whether anyone misses her or whether she’s even crying or not. She just sits there, thinking about the grey circus and the torture Caine had just put her through. She thinks about being grabbed by the ears and stripped bare by Ribbit and Pomni and Kaufmo and how much it hurt and how much it terrified her despite the fact that she actually trusts them now. She thinks about the silhouette that looked oddly like her mom too. That one laughed the loudest, she thinks.
The idea of abstracting worms its way into her head and she has to do everything in her power to shove it out. She hasn’t thought about that in years, she’s not going to succumb to it now. Being a big, glitchy monster isn’t going to make anything easier for her.
Eventually, she hears a clatter of blocks echo in the room, and she tilts her head up to see none other than Kinger walking towards her.
She doesn’t make a move to leave or run. Quite frankly, her limbs ache too much to be able to do that, despite the fact that it should not be possible. She supposes it’s mental exhaustion manifesting itself in her digital body.
Jax doesn’t look at or acknowledge Kinger as he walks over, nothing more than a quick glance. She continues staring at the floor. She’d rather be around quite literally anyone else right now, but oh well.
“...I noticed you ran off after everyone dispersed,” Kinger starts.
“Did you now,” Jax says blankly.
“I thought you’d go with Ribbit or Pomni but… they were by themselves,” he continues. “They were looking for you. I told them I’d help them.”
“Well. You found me.”
“I did. I think they’d be glad to know you’re okay.”
“Hm.” Jax doesn’t give much of a real response. She stays silent for as long as she dares.
“Why did you run off?” Kinger asks after a couple minutes. She hates that tone. She hates it so, so, so much.
“None of your business, that’s why,” Jax mutters.
“Jax.”
“What.”
“I want to make sure you’re okay.”
“Bull. Shit.”
Jax finally looks up at him, a dark glare on her face, and sees Kinger’s eyes widen. “I don’t know what it is you want, at this point, honestly. I really don’t. But what I do know is that it’s not that. You barely know me, you have no reason to ‘care about me’ and ‘make sure I’m okay’, and I don’t know what the hell it is you want from me, but it’s definitely not anything good.”
Kinger studies her face for a second, shock written all over it. Good. Maybe he’ll finally back off.
“...why do you think I’d do that?” Kinger asks quietly.
“Because -” Jax draws a blank. She has no real reason to believe it, but call it a gut feeling. A hunch. That’s good enough for her. “I just know, okay?”
“...I don’t know if you’ll believe me if I say this, but I’ve never had any ill intentions when it came to you, or, well, anyone here.”
“Yeah,” Jax mutters. “Sure.”
“Why do you believe that?”
“Stop asking me that,” Jax says. “Stop trying to get me to open up - you do it every time we’re together and I hate it. I hate you.”
Kinger stares at her for a second before he responds. “I’ve told you, you don’t have to tell me anything you don’t want to tell me.”
“That’s the issue, I want to -” No. Shut up. No. He doesn’t need to know this.
“Jax…?”
“...forget it. It’s not important. Not right now, anyway.”
“It does matter,” Kinger insists. “However you’re feeling right now, I can promise you, it does matter.”
She can’t do this right now. She really, really can’t do this right now. She can’t listen to his voice and not open up, but that’s the last thing she wants to do right now, talk about any of this. Talk about any of this with Kinger.
But then what? What does she plan to do? Just sit there staring into space forever, hoping he leaves? Pray he finally gets the hint and avoids talking to her again?
He’s already understood the hint, she thinks. He’s just refusing to acknowledge it.
“Look, I know it’s scary to talk about any of it,” Kinger says. “But I’m worried about you. When you came into my pillow fort the other night -”
“You remember that?” Jax whispers, perking up. Kinger nods slowly.
“Yes. I do. My memory’s been a bit spotty lately but I remember you coming in after having a nightmare.”
Jax hides her head in her knees. Of course he remembers that, out of all the things there is for him to remember.
“It’s nothing to be ashamed of!” Kinger quickly says. “It’s completely alright, I was completely alright with it, and if you were comfortable enough to -”
“I wasn’t,” Jax mutters.
Kinger blinks. “You… weren’t?”
“I felt disgusting,” Jax starts quietly, “because I was crying to you, of all people.”
Kinger takes a deep breath in. “Why did it make you feel like that?”
“It felt like I was a little kid crying to my mom,” Jax mumbles, and before she knows it she’s pouring her heart out because of his stupidly warm and comforting voice. She doesn’t want to but she’s so tired. “I mean, at this point I don’t even know if it’s my mom. I’m not even the real… I’m just a brainscan. I don’t know if any of this actually -” She cuts herself off and scoffs. “Whatever.”
“Jax, even if you’re a brainscan you still… experienced all of that, you’re still holding onto those memories, you’re still human,” Kinger assures her. She really wishes she could believe him.
“Sure.”
Jax makes it obvious she really doesn’t feel like talking about it right now, so Kinger seems to shift gears.
“What did you mean when you said you felt like a little kid crying to your mom?” Kinger asks. “Why would that be disgusting?”
“I - I don’t -” Jax isn’t sure how to answer at first. Should she answer? Probably not. She does so anyway because she doesn’t really care anymore. “I dunno. I just… I really don’t like her. Anymore. But I still… I - I miss her. It’s stupid. Especially when I know she was so… eugh.”
“I don’t think it’s stupid at all,” Kinger responds gently. “She’s your mother. It makes sense that you’d care about her even if she didn’t treat you well.”
“But -”
Jax can’t really find it in herself to actually argue against it. She’s always felt like she was going through a cycle about whether or not it was okay that she missed her mom or not. One day it’s horrible Jax dislikes her mom because that’s her mother and she did everything to help her even if she disagreed with her on this one little thing about her gender. So what? It’s not like she’s a real woman anyway. On another day it’s horrible Jax misses her mom because her mom, in Ribbit’s words, was ‘an absolute piece of shit’ to her, and was basically the reason she couldn’t talk about anything, so what the hell is wrong with her that she wants to go back to that miserable place? Clearly her mother hadn’t hurt her enough to actually affect her if she wanted to go back to her.
It’s tiring. She wants it to end.
“I promise you,” Kinger continues, “whatever she did, you’re valid in how you feel about her. You’re valid if you miss her, you’re valid if you hate her. Feelings are complicated, it’s not ‘stupid’ to have mixed feelings towards the person who raised you.”
“I wish it wasn’t mixed though,” Jax mutters. “I wish it wasn’t complicated. It’s so weird and I hate it.”
Kinger nods. “I understand. It can be… confusing. I can imagine everything about growing up with a parent or parents like that must be confusing.”
Jax goes silent again so Kinger prompts her by asking, “I recall you saying you had a bad dream the night you came into the fort. Was it about your mother?”
“...y - yeah,” she murmurs, as quietly as possible.
“Can I ask why you came to me?” Kinger prods softly. “You’re always welcome to, of course, I have no issue with it, I’m just surprised you didn’t go to Ribbit.”
“...I didn’t want to talk about it,” Jax says quietly. “Or feel worse. That worked out great. Spent the whole night crying like a fucking baby.”
“You felt worse when you were crying?” Kinger asks.
Jax tenses up at the question. “I - I mean…”
“It’s alright. I already told you, it’s alright to talk about whatever you want. I won’t judge.”
Jax stiffens slightly but continues. “I don’t… I don’t really like crying. I don’t really cry unless it’s in front of Ribbit… or more recently Pomni, I guess,” she mumbles. “Even then, it’s just… weird. I don’t like it. It feels wrong. And when I was with you I felt like…”
Her voice catches in her throat again.
Kinger places a comforting hand over hers, and she takes a deep breath and continues.
“I kept wondering… why you were so okay with it. Because I know you have kids and my mom would’ve killed me for crying like that in front of her. She would’ve… she would’ve gone on some long rant about how I’m not manly enough and how crying’s for girls and I’m not supposed to - she’d say I’m not a - whatever.” Jax huffs out a breath. “And I kept feeling like any second you’d just… get mad. Or if you didn’t you’d bring it up later and hold it over my head when I pissed you off,” she adds quietly. “But you didn’t. You didn’t do anything and I couldn’t stop crying and it felt so… wrong.”
God, what is wrong with her? Opening up about all this to Kinger of all people, surely he’s just gonna -
“I see.”
Jax slowly looks up at Kinger to gauge his reaction. She can’t really tell what he thinks based on his face.
“...crying is completely okay, Jax,” he starts. “It’s normal, I hope you know that. There’s nothing wrong with it, or just… feeling anything, and I want to assure you that I will never, never use anything you share with me against you.”
He’s lying. He’s lying he’s lying just like she did he’s lying he’s lying he’s -
“If you’re ever feeling like that again,” Kinger continues, “my fort is open to you. I promise you, you’re safe there. You’re safe here, in the circus, with all of us. I know Ribbit and Pomni care about you very, very much. There’s no need to worry about anyone using anything against you, because I can assure you, everyone here cares about you very deeply. They all just want you to be okay.”
“...it doesn’t always feel like that,” Jax impulsively says.
“I know. Some days it just feels like that, but that’s why we take it one day at a time, right?” Kinger assures her. “One talk won’t immediately make everything easier, as much as I wish it could. But it’s a start, y’know?”
Jax heaves in a shaky breath and nods. She knows Kinger just finished his whole spiel about how crying is okay, but she really, really doesn’t feel like breaking down in front of him all over again.
One day at a time. Right.
Maybe she’ll break down later with Ribbit and Pomni
Kinger eventually stands up and lends a hand to Jax.
“How about we go see how the others are doing? I know Ribbit and Pomni would love to know you’re okay.”
Cautiously, Jax takes Kinger’s hand, and lets him lead her back to the group.