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He hears the music before he sees the lights. A disco song that helps him stop brooding. Coming straight from the meeting downtown he'd gone to, he hasn't had time to decompress. He's very late as it is.
A group of friends walks past him, paying him no attention. In his dark suit, he blends into the night. They are radiant. A young woman in glittering heels clings laughing to her companion's arm. With her long blonde hair cascading down her back, she reminds him of Kathy, back in the day.
Elliot stops and watches them walk away. A tired smile crosses his face. They look happy.
The venue Fin and Phoebe chose to celebrate their union is simple. There is no extravagance in the white tableware and rose bouquets that adorn the tables. A string of lights encircles the terrace like the groom's arm around his bride's waist, bathing it in a soft, reassuring light.
Sweeping the space with his eyes, Elliot sees them moving from guest to guest, met each time with smiles they return in kind. In their eyes, the same desire to simply be together. They look happy.
Despite the upbeat songs from another decade, he is struck by the lightness that hangs in the air. Only this morning, his mind was cluttered with dark thoughts. Violence, revenge, victims. He's seen worse, but the case he's working now is nothing but darkness. Here, there is laughter, innocence, and joy.
A twinge of envy stirs in his gut.
The flowers are a surprise. He doesn't think he's ever seen her wear a pattern like that. But when Olivia spots him and walks over, it is like a bouquet she is offering him. The cut is modest. No neckline, no endless legs on display, despite the high heels, but multicolored flowers on her dress and a red bow around her waist. He doesn't know why it surprises him so much. Maybe because despite all the years spent at her side, in another life, he no longer really knows her.
That's his fault. He shouldn't have left. Is she happy?
She is alone tonight.
"That dress is really pretty," he says. She smiles at him. Her cheeks are pink, probably from the wine. But she looks happy to see him, all the same. "You're really pretty," he corrects himself then, because isn't that what he'd meant to say when he complimented her dress?
He's tired, tonight.
The flash of surprise he catches in her eyes torments him. Thirty years he's known her, three decades spent admiring her, and yet here she is, not even knowing she's the most beautiful woman he's ever had the privilege to look at.
"Thank you," she answers.
There's something like a question in her voice. Elliot wonders if she's as weary as he is.
The river's surface is in tune with the evening, calm and lazy, but a breeze picks up. The strands of hair framing Olivia's face rebel, she shivers. They're doing fine, there, the two of them, facing open water. They don't take up much space. Didn't someone once say that love isn't looking at each other, but looking together in the same direction? A philosopher, or a French writer? He's not sure anymore. Culture was never his strong suit. Olivia would know, he'd bet his life on it, but he doesn't ask her.
Because they never talk about what love is.
She shivers again. He doesn't want her to leave, so he goes to find her coat.
When he comes back, he spots Amanda Rollins off to the side of the party. He's about to go say hello to Liv's detective when he's stopped by her burst of laughter. She isn't alone, and he thinks he recognizes a defense attorney SVU works with.
These people have been part of Olivia's life for years and he barely knows them. How much time has he lost? Fin looks good in his fitted suit, but he doesn't have the spring in his step he had at thirty. Munch isn't here to stand as witness at his partner's wedding. The bride, he's never seen before tonight. He wonders what her story is, whether Fin wore her down or whether it was love at first sight.
Olivia is still standing there, motionless, facing the water. He likes to think she's waiting for him, even if that makes him sad, too. Why would she? She deserves to be happy; she shouldn't be alone tonight.
He drapes the coat over her shoulders. The flowers disappear beneath the black fabric. She offers him a glass of fancy red. Long gone are the days when they used to drink lukewarm beers straight from the bottle at the end of a long day.
"She's a cop," she answers when he asks how the newlyweds met. "His first partner." She adds that last part with a sidelong glance at him. He catches her eye and the half-smile that forms on her lips.
He knows. She knows.
They toast to partners.
The wine is delicious, and once again they find themselves drawn to the night ahead of them more than to the party behind them. The music is still playing, but Elliot hears nothing but the silence between them.
Knowing is one thing. But saying it?
Would Phoebe be standing here tonight in a white dress if Fin had never said anything?
He savors another sip. "I barely know you." His voice is almost inaudible, but the words knock the breath out of Olivia. She freezes beside him. He shakes his head. That came out awkward, and that's not what he meant to say. Too late now to keep quiet. "I know I haven't been present in your life these past few years, and that's on me," he explains.
"El—"
He doesn't let her interrupt. "What do you think, Liv? Couldn't we go off a little like them?"
She glances over her shoulder. Like them, Phoebe and Fin stand side by side with the ease of two bodies long since grown used to each other, safe in their closeness. Like them, they exchange glances in which whole conversations play out.
But Fin's hand rests on Phoebe's hip.
But Phoebe's head tips over to rest against his shoulder.
Her throat dry, she lets every word Elliot speaks cling to her heart, as if to keep it from bursting. He tells her that maybe he's mistaken, and if that's what she wants, he won't bring it up again. But if she agrees, then maybe, making room for two in this world…
"…I want to be a happy man."
He falls silent.
Whatever happens, however long it takes, he wants to be a happy man. And she knows, oh yes, she knows, that she has the power to grant his wish. The thought that he might doubt it unsettles her.
The trembling in Elliot's hand eases when her palm covers his fingers.