Chapter Text
The last two hundred years have been a nightmare. And the famous syndrome being named 'Stockholm syndrome' didn't help, either. Ugh.
He may deserve it, but god it's a knife to the gut.
Sure the literal wars and global problems have been bad since 1800, but the reason he hates his life is that Tino left him.
Around every corner, in every room, by every chair is a ghostly memory of Tino having lived there for so many centuries.
He can't sleep in their shared bedroom anymore; how could he?
They were intimate in that bed. On those sheets. Tino's head rested on his pillow, on his pillowcases; he has a smaller pillow than Berwald, just because he is a much smaller person, and wanted one to fit him. Everything in the house is rather large because Berwald has to fit, and he is extremely tall.
For many years Ber can't even bear to enter their bedroom. It's too painful.
He made every piece of furniture in the house, and he and Tino had decorated them all together. Every single thing in the house is a reminder of their life. Of him being dumped, and alone, now. Of Tino leaving him, after surely realizing how wicked Berwald was, for so long.
They'd been truly together for a mere moment, comparably, compared to the rest of his endless life. And then so fast it was over, forever.
Honestly, it's too bad they as immortals can't die, he thinks morosely. Because he has not been enjoying life since that morning that Tino left him.
Berwald had had no idea that one day he'd realize there had been a 'last' time:
-that he saw Tino
-that he heard Tino's voice
-that they were naked together in bed, being intimate
-that they kissed
-that Tino cooked for him
-that they touched
-that he heard Tino singing
-that he saw Tino smiling at him
He had never thought of his immortal life as something terrible to endure, but now he does.
He had been able to bear the weight of immortality before because Tino was at his side. Whether as his boyfriend or just his friend-but-captive-kinda [?], just having Tino near him was enough, it shored him up. It strengthened him.
Now he is nothing but a ghost himself. Like a 'ghost in the shell'.
He hated that story. Berwald eventually gets a tv and hates it and everything on it. In his defense, he has not been in a good mood since Tino left.
[The Moomins are okay, though. He may be depressed, but even he's not soulless. They are special to him even moreso because they are Finnish.]
The 1990s make things even worse, if that's possible. After reading endless books about colonialism, and then endless other books about Scandinavian colonialism in particular, Berwald has realized [with horror] that their past relationship might have been totally fake due to the inherently unequal power dynamics.
He can't even have his happy memories of the past. He now has to live knowing Tino probably faked their entire relationship, and hated him the whole time, and probably still does.
Was every gentle, kind moment from Finland a lie? Was it just him choosing to make the best of a horrible situation with his captor? Was he disgusted by Berwald, but felt he should, or had to, prostitute himself to him?
Thinking about it makes Berwald feel like he's going to be physically sick. He eats less nowadays than he ever has before.
Not that he didn't already feel sick at heart, due to Tino leaving him in the 1800s. He'll never forget being out once in public later on and hearing that terrible line randomly somewhere: 'if you love something, let it go; if it comes back, it's yours, that's how you know', and realizing that that's true.
He did not have the wisdom or purity of heart to let Tino go.
And after Tino fled from him, he has never come back. He never will, probably.
The insult on top of injury is knowing that Denmark and Norge are still together, even after their insane history. Even Norge apparently likes Denmark, of all people. But Sweden, Sweden was rejected by his love. Sweden, who tried so hard to do right by Tino.
He had treated Tino so much better than Denmark had ever seemed to treat Norge, but then again, who knew what they were like behind closed doors, and also admittedly, Sweden had oppressed the country of Finland, and had never treated Tino as an equal back in the day. That's not how things worked back then, for humans or for immortals.
It's definitely even worse [than usual] because Finland is not part of Scandinavia the way the others are: Tino's country has a different language base, a different culture, a different everything. In a big way, Tino's world is not Scandinavian the way the Norge's, Denmark's and Sweden's is.
It's unbearable to be without Tino in the first place, and knowing this [that Norge still accepts Denmark], makes it hurt even more. But then, Norge must not be truly judging Denmark's sins, he thinks. He must think him a fool who cannot reason, or something, and is using him personally for some arcane purpose, whereas Tino clearly has a brain. And doesn't even want to bother to use Berwald.
God, if only.
Even if Tino admitted he wanted to be his lover again just to use him, Berwald would agree to it. It would hurt him, yes, of course. But anything is better than nothing.
Really, what's the point of living if you're alone? For so long, after Tino leaves, half the time Berwald doesn't bother to eat, wash his hair, or even get up at all.
That first Christmas alone was literal hell. And it only got worse after that. Every holiday alone had been a nightmare.
The night he'd slept alone for the first time in centuries.
The morning he'd woken up alone for the first time in centuries. All the meals he would have had company for; hell, Tino had made loads of them himself, even.
Before with Tino, every love song had made him happily think of him.
Now, most songs make him want to drink. Nothing dulls the pain; heartbreak actually physically hurts worse than real wounds from weapons, who knew. It really fucking hurts, all the time.
And fuck ABBA, he thinks, whenever he hears any of their songs, which seem rather on the nose for his situation, annoyingly. Well, technically he thinks 'fuck anyone who sings songs about love or lost love or happiness.' Or sadness.
Or longing. Or pain, or depression.
For each season of the year, and for each Swedish holiday, they had so many traditions that they did together joyfully. Tino had seemed to enjoy personally cooking special Swedish dishes for them to share together.
The first time he realizes he's alone for their anniversary. It becomes normal to cry so much his eyes hurt, and to drink so much he passes out. He finally gets why humans turn to substance abuse, hell, he's right there with them. It's only that he doesn't get the relief of the peace of death.
Every year, every day, had been a delight with Tino there.
Every minute.
Every look, every word and note, every moment together, every touch, and then eventually every kiss, every time he got to touch his radiant bare skin, and that Tino touched him. Every moment of ecstasy together.
Sweden eventually dries out after being pass out-level drunk every day for years in the early 1800s, and then gets himself together.
He has nothing to do whatsoever, so he decides to learn Finnish.
It repulses him that he doesn't know it yet. It's too little, too late. And yet he desperately wants to submerge himself into everything Finnish -- it makes him feel some modicum of soothingness. He throws himself into it, and studies constantly, endlessly.
First he studies dictionaries and reads books about and in Finnish.
Then he's able to follow Finnish news [in Finnish] closely.
He's always worried about Tino, during all the plagues and struggles of his country and the wars [and the world wars]; sure about Suomi, yes, but really about Tino alone, the person. Where was he, what was he doing? What was Tino was personally up to post 1800, how did he fill all those years?
Was he ever lonely? Is he now?
Did he ever miss his old captor? [In the old days he would have said lover ... post circa the 1990s, Berwald knows he was just his jailer, regardless of any supposed romance between them.]
God, it hurts all the time, still, to be bereft of him. It hurts just as much post 2020 as it did in the 1800s. Time definitely does not heal all wounds, in his opinion.
He never stops missing him. Or closing his eyes and replaying memories of him, thinking about what his voice sounded like. He can't bring himself to think about how it felt to hold him, kiss him, be intimate with him, because that can push him into weeping that he can't control.
He has no doubt that Tino's friends were thrilled when he left Berwald, and don't want him to ever return to him. Or speak to him, either. They probably rejoiced that Tino had escaped his monstrous clutches.
Tino has always been popular.
Norge always had seemed to find Tino pleasant on the down low, subtly, and Alfred openly loves him [as an elder/teacher], Ivan has looked appreciatively at him forever [well, who hasn't, honestly, not that Tino has spoken to many other nation spirits as far as Berwald knows at least], Estonia and his Baltic friends all adore Tino, etc.
Berwald has even seen people like Arthur, Ludwig [and Feli too, ironic] look at Tino as he leaves a room. They are all more careful about it, of course, but Sweden could always tell. Thankfully Tino mostly hates having to be near other people, human or immortal, and so rarely is within talking distance of any of them.
Well, he used to be like that.
Who knows what he's been up to since the 1800s. He and Tino had so many routines and little traditions together before he left Sweden's home; had Tino ever actually enjoyed any of that? Was it all just a 'need to survive' psyop Tino felt he was suffering through just to make Berwald treat him well?
Not that he could blame him if so, he doesn't. Not at all. But the knowledge of what he did to Tino, that he only now truly grasps, has killed him inside, in the most vulnerable part of his heart.
Berwald still reads the Finnish papers every day and then closes his eyes, and imagines Tino's daily life. Mostly simple mundane things, like making a sandwich, or having some tea, or walking outside. The news and books he reads in Finnish let him feel close to him, they are a balm to his bleeding soul.
He still tears up and stares into space randomly. He has lost everything.
He doesn't care about anything but the fact that he has lost Tino forever.
Does anything matter in life other than love, in the end? Nothing compares. Even his memories of their good times together are now irrevokably tainted.
Was their physical relationship something Tino just tolerated and felt pressured to submit to? Not that Berwald ever made him quote 'submit' literally, but still. Did Tino resent it when he kissed him all over [quite literally]? Did he suffer through letting Berwald hold him, those thousands of times, it being an unlikeable task to get through?
He'd seemed to like their sex life at the time, as far as Berwald could tell. It had consisted [only] of Berwald sucking him off all the time, and mutual handjobs. Watching him orgasm had been like watching living art. Like a mirage. Like a sparkling waterfall of jewels in a magical valley.
Like the sun coming out.
Even thinking of it accidentally can plunge Berwald into the depths of remembering it, how Tino's skin tasted, the scent of his neck, the way he'd exclaim words in Finnish in a beautiful, gasping voice as Berwald pleasured him [fuuuuck it had sounded amazing], and the memories often make Berwald unable to decide if he wants to get himself off [to quiet his body's desires] or cry. Sometimes he does both at the same time.
He rarely eats, nowadays.
How can he? Living [alone] with the tragic reality of their shared past is honestly the worst punishment he can imagine. Knowing he's the villain in their story is too.
Nation spirits do not require food or drink or anything to exist, but they do all enjoy it and most partake every day. Berwald finds himself forgoing everything except sleep, because sleep lets him escape.
[At times though he has dreams about Tino, which is like a knife to the heart, and yet he cannot regret that pain, because for an ephemeral moment after the dreams he feels so happy again, before he wakes up fully, and then feels like he was doused in ice water, and is depressed once more.]
He has been mired in a deep grief for a long time. It only intensifies as time goes on.
His grief has had all different forms to it -- he's been so depressed he can't get up for months, at times, he's had periods of drinking constantly endlessly, he'd even had widow's fire [which is such suffering, for his body to burn with unrelenting need and never feel relief or rest from his arousal and desperation for his lost relationship; when it plagued him there was nothing that will assauge it, no matter what Berwald did. As if that [rubbing himself raw daily] was what he wanted to have to do while mourning the total ruination of his life. He didn't have time for that nonsense, and resented it, he was busy grieving.]
He has so many questions for Tino, none of which he can bring himself to say aloud.
In the end he slowly creates a question list [several pages long] for him. It takes many years for him to finish writing it; he isn't sure why, since Tino will never see it.
He cannot ask Tino to come talk to him. Berwald finds himself not too brave in the face of having to do that.
As to the questions, they are things like: was Tino actually disgusted that one of the smaller early Finnish bibles that Sweden had had made for him personally [not the official cathedral one] as a special gift was of his conquerer's oppressive religion?
It was after that that Tino decided to start their physical relationship, but did he just need to manipulate Sweden at that point? Was that all ... him managing Sweden for his maxium non-suffering, because Sweden was just his dangerous jailer?
How horrific.
Not that he doesn't understand, he does. But holy fuck.
Sweden can't think about anything else after the 1990s -- this realization, that he himself was a kidnapper and Tino was his prisoner, poisons his entire life, and his memories of their relationship.
Their house, which he still lives in, feels like a tomb. Cold and silent and empty and devoid of life.
Every single part of the house and grounds and nearby towns remind him of moments he spent with Tino. It's extruciating. [Tino has touched almost every item in the house, and Berwald cannot forget any of it at any time, anywhere.]
It's endlessly sad, seeing the salmiakki in the kitchen get old and stale. He keeps tossing it out [after buying more] and the new set then gets old, and then he buys more and tosses the old out. Over and over. He can't bear for the house to not have one of Tino's favorite candies in the pantry.
After they started being intimate, so long ago, Berwald had gotten on his knees for him almost every day. He had never, ever used force on Tino, knowing even back then that Tino would kill him brutally, and then leave, if he tried. So there had been nothing gross like that, and they'd never done anything sinful like sodomy [despite what other nation spirits speculated, those bastards.]
Instead, Berwald had tried to play to his strengths.
He had always given Tino the best jewels [and other fine items from their raiding], and made sure he personally had the best food, the best cut of meat. He may have been a conquered nation, but he had lived like a king with Sweden, as Sweden shared with him his own share of everything [food, fine cloth, jewels, all things] -- Berwald was only too aware that there needed to be a reason for Tino to stay. Because it wasn't going to be for Berwald's off-putting personality, lack of easy social graces and unattractive face.
Tino had basically lived as well as Denmark did, for many, many years. Berwald made sure too that he always had many human servants, and so Tino needed to technically do nothing, if he so chose.
Tino was always in charge of their house and servants, and Berwald was in charge of the dirty, uncomfortable work: doing outside work or hard physical labor, that sort of thing.
All that coupled with guaranteed [if Tino said he wanted them] orgasms per day [honestly, Berwald had desperately missed giving him those in particular after he left, because just watching him and listening to him orgasm had often easily gotten Berwald himself off in the process, without Tino ever even touching him] had resulted in around two hundred years of a pretty perfect-ish, he'd thought, relationship.
Now though, post 1990s, Berwald can only feel an extra level, a deeper level, of crippling despair about it.
Tino must have felt he lived in a golden cage. If he hadn't felt conquered nation-wise and personally overpowered metaphorically [Sweden had never done anything physically like that to him himself, but still], would he have ever gotten close with him at all? No.
No.
In a perfect world, Berwald knows Tino would have never chosen him, or slept with him, or kissed him. Ever.
He would have eventually gotten with another pretty, sweet, lovely petite person, like Liechtenstein, or Monaco, or Belgium.
He probably would have never even spoken to Berwald, or looked at him. Tino is a pure, gorgeous, lovely angel.
He is not perfect of course, but his imperfections make him even more attractive and charismatic, like how he sometimes curses wildly about strange things, and can be amusingly forgetful at times.
Tino is cheerful and deep and complex and brilliant. He rarely reveals the depths of his wisdom and knowledge, but Sweden has paid extremely close attention to him for a very long time. Tino is just as mysterious and powerful as Norge is, he knows, he just hides it, whereas Norge doesn't.
There have been times when Tino had clearly done something secret to help or charm Berwald [personally] to be lucky in battle, or their crops to grow well during a bad season, or similar things. Even Berwald had noticed, despite having less individual magical prowess and knowledge.
Berwald has always known he is beneath Tino. While Denmark doesn't seem be bothered by that with Norge, it does bother Berwald. It is hard to know he is only a simple stone on the earth, and Tino is a lovely cloud floating up in the clear, beautiful sky, so far away, out of reach.
But he could protect him back then, back when they met, and then could provide for him, and being useful allowed him to make his [silent] case to Tino.
That was all he could do, because he couldn't and can't change his looks or his non-sparkling personality, or his lack of verbal charisma, or well any charisma at all, but he can be better at giving him fine jewels and gold than anyone else. He can be the best at pleasuring him every day. He can prove that he is worth it, that his love is worth accepting and allowing.
Berwald has never been under the misconception that Tino loves him back at the same level, in the same way. He is not that stupid.
Tino simply eventually decided to allow Berwald to express that he loves him physically, that's all. His kindness and generosity towards him was enough.
Even back then, Berwald understood that anything Tino said to him in terms of physical love stuff was tinged with their power [and gorgeousness] differential, and that he was never going to be actually truly deeply loved back.
He knew that from the beginning. That was never a problem for him.
He will always love Tino, even if he never talks to him again. Even if Tino somehow is gone forever [heaven forbid], he will still be here, loving him.
Even if Tino gets with Matthias, or does something equally horrifying. He will always love him.
Even just looking at him is like getting to see the most priceless, beautiful piece of art in the world, that you can't take your eyes off of.
Ber's love for him is not based on him doing anything for him, it's based on him being a lovely, good, sweet, gorgeous, mystical, mysterious, funny, fun-loving, kind, charismatic, deep, smart, imperfectly perfect alluring person. It's intrinsic to him.
Still, the post-1990s are a wakeup call for him in how terribly he used Tino in general. How he must hate Berwald for all of it -- for the repression of his language, his culture, his religion [uh oh], all of it. How he personally lived with Berwald in Sweden and spoke Swedish for so long. On both the personal and professional/national level, Sweden as a country was his enemy and despot.
He must resent the fuck out of him and wish him ill. Or worse, he never thinks of him at all. [Well, that's not worse if it means Tino is happy and free, then it's fine, Ber would just be sad to be forgotten, that's all.]
Indeed, Tino never contacted him personally again after he left in the 1800s.
Not a letter. Not a telegram. Not a phone call, post-phones being invented and normalized and widespread.
Sweden broods over his new understanding of their shared past for several miserable decades before finally writing his thoughts down into a list of questions.
The questions are for Tino, but he will never see them. Even if he ever speaks to Berwald again, he can't show him them, as surely Tino wants to forget the past, not dredge up how much he is disgusted by Berwald's past behavior.
He also writes many emails beginning with 'Hello my love', and never sends them, for several obvious reasons.
[Also, he does not have Tino's email address, nor does he know if Tino even has one in the first place.]
But then one day he sees a new message in the outlook email window on his computer, and he slowly realizes it's from Tino.
That Tino. His Tino.
Tino.
He's sure it's from his immortal Suomi-Tino not only just because he signed the email as '-me' liked he used to sign real paper letters, but also because no one else would have an email address of '[email protected]' and also be emailing Berwald. That's a pretty unique situation.
He re-reads the email like a million times. It's short, but he can't stop. Holy fuck, he thinks. After all this time, Tino is writing to him.
It says:
Hi Ber, can I come over to talk on Saturday?
-me
It's in Swedish. Ugh.
In Finnish, he could have poured over Tino's choice of using a neutral 'hi', an informal 'hi' or god forbid a formal greeting. Of course Swedish has all that type of thing too, but it just feels different because now he views it as not Tino's real langauge.
At least he wrote it pretty casually, instead of formally, which is a good sign, he thinks.
He has no doubt that Tino has totally stopped ever using Swedish. He is probably proud to only speak in Finnish, now that he is free to.
He can't think of any obvious reason why Tino picked this coming Saturday in particular -- it's not any country's independence day [that Ber knows about, at least], it's not any anniversary of theirs [like the first day they kissed], nothing big has happened in any of the Nordic or Baltic countries [or anywhere else, that he knows of.]
Tino's email is just asking if they could like have a coffee together at Sweden's house, if he can come over casually. But this is anything but casual, by the mere nature of their old relationship and history.
[It's his fucking house too, Berwald's heart cries out silently, Tino never needs to ask if he can come over, and that isn't fair at all, is it, he knows. He knows, damn it. Because it's never really 'your' house if you are just a dependent. Or the spoils of war.]
He's written Tino thousands of draft emails, about all different sorts of things. What should he write back?
In the end he responds by just agreeing. Berwald had not expected him to write, much less want to show up.
Tino actually appearing, coming back to their house had been, it had seemed, like a fevered pipe dream that he knew would never happen.
[Yes, he's soaked in the view of the new email for a long, long time, just staring at it. He printed it out. He knows Tino's handwriting so well, of course, but he'd only had old papers with examples on them. Now he has a fresh 'letter' of his words [though not in his literal handwriting, of course.] Receiving his email is closer than they have been in centuries.]
At that point he panics.
Tino is coming over. Very soon. To his house.
Oh boy.
He has to put it in order, clean everything, make it look organized, make up their bedroom and also one of the extra bedrooms [in case he wants to stay over but not sleep in their bed anymore; Berwald is worried in either case, honestly] -- thankfully not needing to sleep is super helpful in this instance.
He repaints a bunch of stuff immediately.
He then washes everything he can wash, cleans up every room, freshens everything up, and makes sure he's got a vase out with fresh flowers in it [they've always done that, Tino would pick the flowers from their gardens himself, usually.]
He makes some food and sets the table on the day Tino is supposed to show up; how crazy it feels to see it set again for two people. It's been so long.
Berwald hadn't even bothered eating at the table after Tino left. Or with eating at all, for a long time.
Eventually he'd gotten back into it after many years, and just paid some Finns living in Sweden to drop off some containers of Finnish food for him every few days in exchange for money. He's usually just eaten standing up over the containers on the counter, and then put them straight back into the fridge, never using any plates or bowls.
If he couldn't be with Tino or near Tino, he at least could drown himself [not a great metaphor, but kinda technically what he is trying to do, he thinks, so, hm] in his culture.
He washes the unused dishes just in case they're dusty. Everything has to be pristine, and perfect.
Sweden puts the list of questions on the table by their plates for Tino to look at, his hands almost shaking as he gets everything ready.
He regrets all of this already, but Tino reached out to him [!] and is supposedly coming back to see him at home for the first time is literal centuries [!!!], so he's scared out of his mind, at this point. He may start dry heaving at any moment.
Then it's suddenly all finally happening. It's finally real. Berwald sees a car pull up outside the house, freezes, and stares out the window at it. And at the person who's getting out of that car.
Oh.
It's Tino.
His hair is still the same, a little shaggy. His skin is still lovely-creamy soft looking. It's like Ber has time traveled somehow into the past.
It's almost jarring, to see him again.
Him in the flesh; his breath catches at seeing him again for the first time in over two hundred years.
Berwald stands frozen inside, just watching him. Tino is beautiful, like always.
Of course Tino dresses modernly now, [well, duh, it's modern times, Ber shakes his head at how surprised he is to see him like this, in his head he is dressed in the same clothes he wore the day he left; today he's wearing a sweater that looks as soft as a cloud, and all his clothes are shades of pastel blue and white, which makes him look even more like the angel that he is], and he does not have on any of his old jewels or his old cross necklace that he had worn daily for so long. Sweden had given him all that, of course, back when those pieces were unbelievably expensive.
[Tino had taken some of his fancy possessions, like necklaces, when he left, though -- not all, but a few. It had heartened Sweden when he'd realized it.
Well, microscopically, but still.]
Tino looks small and soft, and gorgeous and perfect; god it's crippling, how much he's missed him. He'd gotten so used to leaning down to kiss him, to looking down at him as they talked due to the height difference. For years after he left, Sweden would absentmindedly turn his head like that before remembering that no, the house was empty. There was no one to talk to. Tino was gone.
Tino walks up to the door, and Sweden has still not moved. Move, he tells himself, but Tino lets himself in the house with his old keys, to his surprise.
He had taken that key with him when he left, and decades afterwards when Berwald realized what Tino had taken [and what he had left] it had been a tiny moment of succor, to think that Tino had his house key. That he bothered to take it with him. [Berwald had wondered eventually at what he'd taken [few things of value] and what he'd left [lots of expensive presents, clothes and jewels that Sweden had given him.]
... Of course in time Berwald eventually had also realized that Tino might have just absentmindedly taken his keys, forgetting that this time he was not casually leaving the house for an errand, he was permanently leaving it.
Berwald left the locks the same for all these hundreds of years just in case Tino ever chose to return.
Seeing him use his key again, seeing him walk up and into Berwald's house is giving Berwald a heart attack. He can't breathe. It's really happening. This is real.
He's happy, but he's afraid. And shocked. Now he knows what Mapes felt like, in Dune, he thinks absently, nonsensically.
Tino calls out to him [in Swedish, which Berwald winces at, to think this tongue was forced on him so long ago, and now he greets his old jailer with it], and god, to hear his voice again. Oh, fuck. Fuck.
Because Tino had left before the advent of modern technological advances, Berwald has had only his memories of him for all this time -- no photos, no videos, no voicemails.
Seeing him makes Berwald want to get on his knees and beg him to come back to him, to let him try to please him.
... Though that strategy hadn't worked when Tino'd left, not that he thought it would; at the time Berwald had understood that Tino needed to be free of him, despite his own pain at him leaving. Of course, simultaneously he'd begged prostrate for him to not leave him while in tears, beause he couldn't not.
He'd been between a rock and a hard place.
He'd wildly thought back then that maybe he could go with Tino to his land of Suomi as his servant, like their roles could be 'switched'. But he was too cowardly to even suggest it, fearing he'd refuse [it did seem like a pretty crazy idea, even in the 1800s] and Tino had left soon after he started blubbering like an idiot on the floor.
Seeing Tino up close physically in real life in front of him again as he rounds the corner from the hallway is a shock -- he hasn't seen him in person since the 1800s.
He looks the same, of course. Tino is immortal.
He looks amazing. He's a fucking vision.
Thank goodness he already set out the food, Berwald thinks distantly, as Tino says 'hello' quietly [he looks pleased in general, thank god] and pulls Sweden by the hand after him to their chairs at the table, in this house that was Tino's old gaol.
[His hand is still so small, delicate, soft. It's swallowed up by Berwald's, which in contrast is heavily callused and rough after so many centuries of early violent hand to hand fighting. Tino fights with guns instead because he is a smaller person, he thinks.]
He follows meekly, dumbstruck. Honestly, he often can't think when he's around Tino.
Seeing him again in the flesh is a revelation.
His hair looks [and felt, before] so soft and bright and lovely. And his eyes shine with their unique color and the radiance of his countenance.
Tino is a literal angel, small and beautiful. Berwald feels weak in the knees, now being able to smell his cologne up close once more [it's always a forest/tree scent, he didn't change it despite how many years have elapsed, it seems.]
He stares at him open mouthed, unconsciously.
For a while Tino just talks to him, about general stuff. He can barely hear his lovely voice of the rushing white noise in his ears.
He can't take his eyes off him; for a while he dumbly listens to Tino speak as they eat together. Mostly Tino eats, and praises the food, and Berwald just watches him do so.
How crazy it feels, to see Tino in his old place, his old chair at their table. To eat together, to hear his lilting voice -- his voice! Oh, god. It's like music.
He speaks Swedish right now, which makes Berwald wonder if he should ask if he wants for them to both use Finnish instead, out of respect for him and their shared, terrible history.
In the past, the only time he ever heard Tino speak Finnish was at the beginning [before Berwald imposed his own language on him, which now feels disgusting], or if he was swearing, or eventually during their bedroom escapades.
Hearing him speak Swedish makes Berwald feel terrible, now.
[He wants to cook now for Finland, since in the old days Finland handled their cook and servants or always did it himself instead, vis a vis being his servant and yeah. Ick. Back then he felt loved by all the little extra things Finland did for him, the massages [one of the only times he seemed like he wanted to touch him, before their relationship began], the nursing when he was hurt in battle, the little special food treats that he knew Sweden preferred best. Now it feels dirty to know that any of that even happened. That his prisoner tried to please him.]
"What are these papers?" Tino asks him, after pausing in trying some food.
This is it, he thinks.
He has to make sure to talk more, to be verbose. It's very hard for him. But Tino is what matters, and he needs to hear Berwald's apologies for the past.
"Some questions, so I can try to do more right by ye, for once," Berwald explains, embarrassed.
Finland looks it over, curiously, and then really digs in and reads it, and slowly appears astonished at these pages of questions, which Berwald had laid out by his old place at the table, and reads it all right then, despite there being many, many pages.
He had been scared he'd leave or get offended by it, but he hasn't. Berwald watches him do it.
Sweden sends up some mental thanks to god, and also to Tino's gods/forest spirits [?] out of respect for him, whatever they may be. Maybe they are forest spirits, he isn't totally sure what Tino's religion is conclusively saying re that. [Yes he's read many books about it.]
Finland then gets a pen out and starts writing stuff down on the papers right then. He just sits there, still watching. It takes Tino a long time to go through it all.
He does not seem angry at any point about the questions, only interested, which is a relief.
When he's eventually done, he looks up at Sweden and says, "Let's go sit on the couch."
Sweden follows, mute. [Not like his usual quietness, this time he really is deeply mute, incapable of speaking right now.]
"Come lay down, take your glasses off, put your head in my lap," Tino tells him, and he hesitantly does so, and then Tino puts his hand in Sweden's hair, and on his scalp, and it feels amazing.
Fuck.
This is a good sign, he thinks distantly, even though he can't relax totally or feel the old pleasure he would have during this type of thing; god, ignorance really was bliss, damn.
Finland has always been his sampo, well, it's a metaphor ... which is probably very inappropriate to think, he's sure. Whoops.
Tino is the most magical, desirable, unique, perfect, most holy thing in Sweden's long life. He always has been.
He is poetry, Berwald is a dull old obsolete textbook that someone throws into the garbage. He is art.
He is bright and lovely and full of life and fun and gorgeous.
He can never forget the moment when Finland was finally leaving him and their home to go live in Suomi -- it had been very early in the 1800s, and he had not let Sweden eat breakfast [he was eerily up early, before Sweden, which was unusual], telling him to sit down and wait for a moment first, and Sweden had then felt dread unlike any other for the first time at that moment, because Tino had seemed like he was trying to be gentle with him before a great injury.
And he was right.
Tino had then explained to him then what he was going to do. That he was going to leave, and go live in his own lands of Suomi.
Sweden had kind of blacked out in a dissociation-type way from horror for a moment, at the time.
When he came to, he couldn't quite catch his breath. Eventually he found himself on the floor reaching out toward's Tino's chair, and he put a hand on one of Finland's feet gently and had then shaken, out of control, like a trembling child, unable to stop or restrain himself from acting like a begging fool.
They had been together in a physical relationship at that point since around 1548, after the first translation of the bible into Finnish had been done. Sweden had only gotten to love Tino in a reciprocated way [in terms of physicality] for a little over 200 years. And then so soon, it was over.
Just the blink of an eye, in their long, endless lives.
Finland had leant down and rested a hand on his hair then as he'd wept, and finally had left, gently pulling his one foot away. [Sweden had not been holding it tightly or anything; he may have been stupid back then but even he hadn't been that stupid by the 1800s.] He had apparently rightly greatly feared the idea of nationalism for a very long time, just because it might tempt Finland into leaving his side.
Honestly, by the 1800s he hadn't even cared anymore about the power of his country or whatever, he'd just wanted their relationship to continue. That's all. He didn't need to be a king, or super powerful, or whatever, he was happy with just being in a fulfilling relationship.
He'd no longer had even bothered much with paying attention to governments and politics, distracted by living with Tino, and very distracted by sleeping [intimately] with him.
Finland is simply a black hole of attention for him. He's powerless before him.
It had taken him hundreds of years to silently [mostly], through actions, convince Tino that he wouldn't hurt him; Berwald will never forget how difficult, yet good, it was to have Tino by his side in and from the beginning [ ... through force, really], because Tino was very obviously afraid of him. Berwald had taken pains to try to make himself less frightening, but didn't really ever truly succeed, he thinks. Tino had always cringed away from him, even after they'd become real lovers, which had been worse than if Tino'd raged or hit him or run. Those things he could understand.
Tino's fear of him had always made him feel monstrous, like a total freak reject, like a failure of a person.
Now in this modern age he understands that Tino was totally right to fear him.
Berwald actually was a colonizing, domineering monster to his only love, [even if he also gave Tino the best treasures, and never hit him; he can finally see how that didn't cancel out the other stuff.]
"My dear, I think this is very genius," Tino says, snapping his focus back to the present, while running his fingers through Berwald's hair, which feels amazing. He can smell Tino's cologne and the scent of his skin this close to him, here on his lap, and god it's good.
A lot of his time spent with Tino [any time period, honestly] involves him trying to control how much he needs him and wants him and yearns for him. Tino used to scratch his scalp like this for him hundreds of years ago, and sometimes even washed his hair too, or brushed it out if it were wet. It had felt better than being drunk, better than anything, Berwald had quickly learned back then.
"Why did you write these questions out for me?" Tino asks, and Sweden hmms lightly.
He tries to think of what to say. His mind feels blank. This often happens to him around Tino.
"Feel pain about the past, our past. Always; now. ... I wanted to know your feelings, your point of view, to try to improve myself," Sweden finally says, glad that his face is already buried into Finlands soft sweater and thigh. It makes it easier, not having to face him directly while taking of his past sins.
"I think we both did the best we could, back then," Tino says softly, to his surprise. "And now we are free. I can finally actually consent to being your 'wife'," he jokes.
Tears sting Sweden's eyes at the enormity of what they're talking about.
They're really doing this, talking about what he did to Tino in the past. His heart throbs painfully in his chest at hearing him speak of their history.
"You have a greater burden," Tino tells him, his nails dragging over his scalp. "Because you were stronger back then. I don't envy you. Honestly, I don't think I would have done better myself, if we'd switched places somehow, back then. I'm kinda a bit more bloodthirsty, inside, so I think it might have been worse that way."
Tino laughs, and hearing it, his clear, happy, jolly bell-like laughter, makes Sweden smile, inside and even a bit outside. He's feeling so emotional that it's more like a grimace.
"Sorry for all my mistakes, before, back then," Sweden whispers to his shirt, and Tino keeps petting his hair.
"I do not blame you," Finland tells him, and Sweden wants to cry, suddenly, even though this is literally the best case scenario. "It's not our fault we had to live in that world, in that time. Things are different now, in the world. We are different too, in a good way."
He does burst into tears then, suddenly, horrified all over again at what he did to Tino, what he perpetuated back then, and Tino tries to soothe him. He strokes his neck and back and says things to him in Finnish that Ber can't concentrate enough on to mentally translate fast enough to understand.
Tino's mercy is often mysterious and granted randomly, like they say that of the lord is.
"I have missed you," Tino adds, and it does not help Sweden with his mission of 'project: stop crying immediately'. "Not that I don't love my own country, and am happy to have it established, and that I went to live in it. Obviously. But I still missed you. I would think to myself, if only you were some nobody, and could just come over and stay with me for fun. But if you'd been some nobody, you could have never protected me, back in the past. I might not have known you, then."
"I will stay at your house and serve you anytime," Berwald tells him urgently, in a choked voice. "All the time."
God, he'd love that. To be Tino's willing slave.
He already is, in a sense, even more so now that he's free from the attitudes of the past, and Tino too is no longer beholden to him [or thinks he has to be] or afraid of him.
"I want us equal," Tino tells him, and plays with his hair again. "And my house is no destination, it's pretty messy, honestly. It's weird, I can keep yours in order easily, but when I'm alone at home I just do whatever I want."
This surprises him.
He thought he knew all of the less perfect facets of Tino's personality. While he is utterly lovely in every way, Berwald knows that at times Tino is a classic Finn. [Sweden has read probably thousands of books at this point by Finnish authors in Finnish, and also about Finland from all different viewpoints. It did help a little to soothe the immense pain he felt crippled by of Tino having left him, but only a little.]
Like, Tino can be very, very into his drinking. He can be distant, not always wanting to socialize; though most of the time he is very Karelian-seeming, very lively, all the same. He often had gone out into the forests just to walk by himself. Berwald used to worry about it immensely, but Tino always promised to stay close to their property, and the house.
Tino has always been a bit old fashioned, not adapting to new world cultural changes quickly. Well, or he was just rejecting his colonizer's foreign culture. Who knows.
Despite his faults, Tino is still perfect.
He is not unlikeable like Berwald is; he's only too aware of what everything thinks of he himself -- dangerous seeming, unfun, off-putting, monosyllabic, tall, not good looking face-wise. Let alone what happened in the past.
"I'm sure your house is nice," Berwald finally tells him.
He's never actually been there. He's dying to go, of course.
"Well, then come over in a few days to see how wrong you are, I'll drive you," Tino says easily, and Berwald's heart skips a beat.
Later on, Tino makes him sit up and kisses him, and they make love like old times right there on the couch. Fuck.
Tino's bare skin pressed up against his own wipes all thought from his mind for quite some time during and after.
After breakfast the next day, [Tino says he wants to cook, and does], Tino goes through the question list and reads out his answers to Sweden. Thankfully his answers don't eviserate Berwald for his mistakes too much, but there's no way around the facts.
If only.
Finally Tino suggests they get started on traveling over to Finland, so Sweden gets in his car.
And doesn't fit. Tino's car is super tiny, and Ber is a super big person. So he suggests that he drive Berwald's car, and Tino agrees.
Tino drives like a maniac. He's never been in a car with him before, but he'd seen him ride horses back in the day, so he shoulda kinda seen this coming. Tino can be wild, at times.
Um, uninhibited, too. It's very hot.
He wonders if Lovino taught him to drive or something, as he's heard that he is the immortal world's fastest driver, but does not ask. Berwald does not know with who or on what Tino has been spending his personal time ever since he left him in the early 1800s.
He can't ask about that.
He knows that Tino's very close with Estonia, which drives Sweden crazy. Not the idea of him having friends, just the idea of the other Baltic nation spirit being able to be more to Tino than Ber can ever be. Estonia too has gone through attaining freedom, is similarly Baltic, etc.
No matter what, ever, he can never share in all those things with Tino, because Sweden as a literal country doesn't fall into those categories or have that specific history.
Berwald tries to beat that white hot jealousy down inside of him by focusing on different projects [woodworking, building stuff, working on art, typically.]
It's not right for him to resent and envy Tino's [probably] best friend. Tino should have all the friends he wants.
And he has no doubt he does, because Tino is very charismatic, handsome, sweet, very dangerous with guns [in a way that honestly turns Ber on], and utterly perfect. It's no surprise that most immortals will like him.
They get to Finland in one piece, and then Tino drives way out into the wilderness, and Sweden finally gets to see his house.
He wasn't lying, it is super messy inside. It smells good in there, like a concentrated scent of Tino himself, which means Ber is partially distracted the whole time he's in there by that.
Outside are zillions of lily of the valley plants, around the house. It's quite the picture, it makes Tino's house seem like some amazing magical altar, or something.
Inside, similarly, there are little pots of lily of the valley everywhere, which he fucking loves.
[Despite this not being the season for those plants, all of them are flowering, which must be some kind of magical thing, some side affect of them all being near Tino; or even a deliberate magic spell that Tino has cast, he's not sure.]
The house is extremely little and cozy and has tons of stuff inside. It's immediately Ber's favorite place ever. Being inside feels like walking into Tino's mind, somehow.
There are decorations and art from ancient Finland, and other time periods of Finland's culture all over the house, all over the walls. Everything is Tino-sized, so Berwald has to duck his head constantly in doorways, and the chairs are too small for him to be comfortable in.
There are no pets; a long time ago, Tino kept little cute dogs at times, and it always made Berwald melt to see him love them so much. He wonders if he will get one again or not, and doesn't ask.
He wonders if Tino didn't like how much 'huge-r' everything always was in the house he was forced to live in with Ber in Sweden for so long.
It had been all very expansive and roomy not just because Sweden is a much, much taller, bigger person, but because he wanted to prove to Tino that he could provide for him. So everything had to be the best, back then.
Comparatively, Sweden's home is much bigger, and feels like an empty overized masoleum with just Ber alone in it, but at the time he built it himself to provide for two people [him and Tino] as well as many human servants.
It was a statement, it was a way to show Tino that he'd made the right choice in agreeing to flee from Denmark so long ago.
Back then the nation spirits all often treated each other poorly, or acted like politics mattered to their personal existences. They hurt each other, captured each other, tried to force each other to obey. But now in the modern age everyone has chilled out, and does whatever they want.
It's funny how now all that is unthinkable, insane-seeming, but when Ber was younger it was totally normal.
As far as Berwald knows, nation spirits don't try to conflate politics or policy with their real lives ever, nowadays.
In the ancient world, Tino clearly had to choose between Denmark, Sweden and Russia in terms of who was going to try to kidnap him and crush his culture. And he personally seemed to choose Sweden [to Ber's pleasure], several times [independent of what was actually going on re the land and people of his country.]
Berwald soaks in this first look at Tino's house.
"I need some help breaking this place in, actually," Tino tells him, and it takes Berwald a second to get it, what he means, as Tino takes his hand, pulls him into another room, and then pushes him down onto the mattress in his bedroom.
They make love.
Berwald is pretty sure he forgot his name during it, and also that he's immortal, too.
He passes out afterwards, because while it started gentle, Tino got aggressive at times.
Honestly Berwald can't imagine why anyone wants to drink or anything when love is a thing. Because the best high he's ever felt is Tino reciprocating [or well seeming to, in the past] his love for him.
Anyway, Tino basically moves back into Sweden's house part-time, though he avoids the house when Berwald has anyone else over [rare, mostly it's just Sealand, though Tino is polite to him.]
[Berwald talks to Sealand at times because no one else will, basically. He feels sorry for him, because he knows what it is to feel deeply lonely. To be an outcast and unwanted and have no one interested in you at all. Arthur has no interest in Peter, unsurprisingly, but honestly Arthur has only ever seemed to care about Alfred [and Francis as a far second.]
At times Tino will spend half days over at his own place in Suomi, and then drive back into Sweden at night, back and forth, a few days each, each time. Berwald does not receive many invites to return to Tino's sweet little cluttered house, to his secret dismay.
Regardless, he feels euphoric about how Tino is now his erstwhile lover, or husband, once more.
[In the old days he had said 'wife' like an idiot just to try to communicate that he would protect him as if he were his spouse, but Tino had not liked that, so he never dares say anything at all now, not even 'partner'.]
Finally, all those hundreds of years of making sure to still stock all of Tino's favorite foods [that he knows about at least, which is definitely probably inaccurate, since Berwald has never eaten Finnish food and has never seen Tino eat it either], always have some Finnish beer on hand [and sahti], grow his favorite flowers [several, and of course also lily of the valley], and keep a huge amount of books in Finnish has paid off, in a way.
Also, he has a whole part of his kitchen that's always been solely dedicated to salmiakki-flavored stuff as that was invented over time: licorice tea, licorice chocolates, licorice ice cream [like Fazer salmiakki bars], licorice candies, etc.
They have so much to talk about.
Even when they talk every day for hours, Berwald can hardly wait to wake up the next day and do it all again. There is so much he wants to know, so many things he wants to hear Tino talk about, so many questions.
He still actually doesn't know the details about how Tino does that 'santa gift giving' that he does at Christmas. Clearly Tino has some powerful magic like Norway does, or something. But he does not speak of it, even at Christmas.
As every Christmas approaches he still says he must go and 'commune with nature' for many days, just like he used to say -- Berwald eventually now understands that to be a white lie.
It had been a bit of a relief to realize he was 'santa', because before that Ber'd been broken hearted at how every year Tino clearly still cheerfully rejected the foreign religion that had been forced upon him to the point that he would not stand to be in Berwald's presence for one of its big holdiays. Like it was Berwald's punishment somehow, he'd felt at the time.
Now he understands it wasn't, and also that he did deserve to be punished regardless.
[And yet Tino had been like 'whatever/blah' about Easter ... Berwald could never figure it out, but was careful nonetheless to avoid speaking of Christianity as the years went on and he realized how fearful he was that it would ruin their newly intimate relationship, and how much he had to lose. Ironic that it all started with the gift of a bible! Everything else that happened in the past Tino had pretty much submitted to, but not the religion stuff, in terms of him personally talking about it. Berwald had been a true fool so long ago, goddamn.]
Tino had done a few little extra kind things for him in the old days, things that made him hope someday he'd truly love him. He would make Berwald's food himself, not letting servants do it at home, and he would tend to his wounds himself, despite the fact that Sweden would heal in due time as an immortal.
He would also massage his back and shoulders even before their real relationship started, which had been rough for Berwald, in terms of trying not to moan while feeling Tino's small cooler white hands all over on the expanse of his warmer skin, and also in terms of trying not to hump the frickin' bed during it.
Despite being so small a person, Tino's hands were very strong, and that was often the only time they would touch extensively [for many centuries], other than when they both dressed up in many layers of warm clothes to go to bed, with pans of hot coals under the covers down at the foot of the bed and Tino in his arms for warmth.
[Despite the sniggering gossips of the immortal world, Sweden had only held him with his permission; Tino would have frozen at first on the way from Denmark's to Sweden's home, and then after that they kept doing it when it was winter, since Tino said he wanted to. But there cannot be actual consent under duress, Berwald now understands. It hurts to know that the tawdry gossipers were right, in the end. Sure, Tino would not have really died, but it's not like it feels great to be super uncomfortable, even for an immortal.]
Knowing that Tino probably did all that while assuredly feeling like he had no choice just about kills him; it poisons his only good memories. And yet ... He has no other good ones, so. Yeah.
Without Tino, he truly has nothing. Now that he's pleased to be with Berwald once more, every moment with him is overwhelming.
They sleep together all the time and spend days together now at Sweden's house, and only speak Swedish when together. Does Finland resent that?
He wonders.
Would he prefer they go to his house, and speak his language all the time instead? Would he want Sweden to live in Suomi instead, in a land and culture and language very much not his own, not even truly Scandi in the way Sweden is, under a religion he knows only from books [bears are involved, he's read a lot of books about it. It's honestly as complex as the Etruscan faith/gods are, which Ber cannot figure out at all.]
What would it have been like, if somehow Tino had been the conquerer instead? He contemplates that a lot.
Would Tino have forced his bear religion on him? Would he have made him speak Finnish, not Swedish? Eat Finnish food, and stay captive in his home as a dependent?
He can't imagine Tino doing those things. Even when Tino has had power personally, he has never seen him exert it ... war situations obviously not counting, because Tino personally murdered like a zillion humans with his sniper rifle and other guns, Berwald has heard, and also has shot other immortal nation spirits if he's pissed at them, regardless of where they're personally standing location-wise.
Ber had been pleased to hear once from Matthias that immortals were afraid of angering Tino, because they all learned quick that he would indeed shoot them when they least expected it, and use his magic to frighten them.
Berwald had rejoiced for him [and even his Estonian friend] back when they became independent nations, despite still mourning Tino being gone from him.
He is not invited to Tino's national independence day 'birthday', as they say, this year though, despite being back together, he figures out, and tries not to feel down about it.
He waits until the day is done just in case Tino calls him or comes by, and then drinks himself into a stupor the next day, unable to bear how sad he feels that he cannot share that day of celebration with his love.
How could he, he thinks bitterly. He was his jailer, after all. He was the enemy, one of Finland's biggest enemies.
Ugh.
But a few days after that, Tino comes by again, and their routine is back, to Berwald's relief. Every time Tino leaves the house, he steels himself against his worry that he won't return.
They eat dinner together every day almost, now. And sleep together, intimately, too, often. It's easy to predict when Tino will want to sleep together.
If Tino says the food is good [which is so gratifying when he does, because Sweden makes all the food himself, mostly Finnish dishes, obviously, since Tino made and also personally was forced practically to eat Swedish food for so long] but barely eats any, and tries to excuse it by saying he ate a lot at lunch, it almost always means he wants to lure Sweden into the bedroom. For some reason when he wants to sleep with Sweden he clearly does not like to eat a lot beforehand; he has never asked what the correlation is.
[Their sex life is extremely vanilla, without anything risque, or any sodomy. Berwald thinks it's truly perfect and amazing. In his opinion, when you love someone you only need the most simple things. The love is the spice.]
They continue for many weeks to discuss Berwald's question list, as obviously every topic on there is complex, enormous in scope, and reflects their super complicated, intertwined history as countries. And that's without adding in that they both are actual individuals, with their own personal feelings.
And Tino makes him talk, too, which is humiliating, and not just because he sucks at talking. More because he has to admit what he felt back in the day, which are all his wicked thoughts from so long ago.
He cries a lot during their talks, but Tino says he doesn't mind, and holds him until he can stop.
To his dismay, he doesn't get to spend Christmas with Tino.
He gets everything ready at his house each Christmas [he has for a long time] just in case he shows up, though, knowing that Tino has a secret, special connection to the idea of santa-type concepts/stuff [ie showing up either pre-Tino sleigh magic time, or post-.] But Tino does not reach out during Christmastime.
Two weeks afterwards, he texts Berwald [he recently asked for his mobile number, to his surprise, but Sweden is worried about him being annoyed to hear from him after their past history, and so almost never messages him first] and asks if he can come over when he's free.
Berwald makes sure he's free. Immediately. Their relationship being conveinent for Finland is all that matters.
After Peter upsets Tino by begging him to teach him how to shoot a gun, since Tino is so famous for his sniping abilities, Berwald makes extra sure that Sealand is never there when Tino is staying over at his house.
He also asks Tino if he can show him some places in Finland, like in a tour guide-esque way. Tino is pleased at that question, he can tell, and agrees.
So now sometimes he drives over to meet Tino somewhere in Finland, and Tino and him go explore some area. Berwald cannot see the magic things and creatures deep in the nature of Finland, he finds out, after Tino points some out.
Tino looks appalled to learn this.
Berwald has never felt so ashamed [well, that's up in the air.] Or so lacking.
Tino tries to feebly reassure him after a shocked pause, whispering in Swedish to him that he must be 'so dedicated to your religion, instead of anything else.'
But Berwald knows what he actually means is that he is tainted by the yoke of that foreign religion. Tino does not follow the Christ, he understands all at once, now. Did he ever? Was he always pretending, to appease Berwald?
Does he even know Tino at all?
[Surely Tino has never had the opportunity and the safety to feel like he could be honest with him.]
But in many ways he's sure he does know him. Tino is the definition of sisu.
And he is also gentle, and sweet ... as well as being an animal in bed. He is much more aggressive than Sweden is.
He ties Sweden up [with like a necktie, nothing he couldn't break out of] and makes him beg to orgasm, sometimes. It's fucking amazing.
Over the years he's longed to cross the border into Finland and see Tino's country and lands himself, but never dared, fearing Tino would know and become offended. [All nation spirits know if another enters the land that is theirs by creation, regardless of who human-politically has what.]
Thankfully the internet's emergence allowed him to get to watch video tours of modern Finland, and experience it all from his own house.
Finland is all forest and lakes, lakes, lakes. It is the pinnacle of beauty on earth.
He'd been excited and voraciously devoured all the videos he could at first, but all it did in the end was make his heart ache even worse, to see the endless, beautiful nature of Tino's that he kept Tino from for so long.
Every video made him imagine Tino in it, now finally walking through and enjoying all the beauty of his native lands. Smiling and happy that he was finally back in his own Suomi, instead with his captor in a neighboring foreign country.
... It doesn't help that historically, Sweden's government was a bit famous for treating Estonia differently than Finland in terms of how Estonia's people were treated better in many, many ways.
In real life, the nation spirit of Estonia is clearly still best friends with Tino, because at times he randomly gets a call or message from him while he's spending time with Berwald. Kindly he never actually takes any calls or writes people while he is hanging out with Sweden, though at times he will check who it is.
Alfred and Lovi write him a lot, apparently, and sometimes Gilbert and Arthur do, too.
Eventually he happens to hear Tino take a call from Alfred, and speak in English -- with a different type of English accent [in terms of 'English as a second langauge'] than the rest of the Nordics have, very different. It is just one more reminder of how egregious it was that Sweden fucked up Tino's life; it'd be bad regardless, but Tino isn't even a typical Scandinavian nation spirit. He's literally part of another language and ethnic group.
They keep having sex almost every day. With Tino, Berwald often feels like he also has 'heart orgasms' just being with him, instead of just normal genital ones in bed.
Though Tino does often go be busy for some days by himself, he now always returns to see Ber, or picks him up to take him somewhere with him, which is newly thrilling, each time.
It's almost funny how the other nation spirits think of Berwald as odd and atypical, when he's one of the very few people who know how utterly unique and unusual Tino is. Berwald is not a very exciting person. He is pretty boring.
He likes to read, or work on house projects. He likes making art, or doing woodworking.
It's Tino who is likes to walk in the forests alone all day, and then randomly show up at night at the house and make dinner for himself and Sweden as if that's normal [or he'll be busy all night similarly, and show up and make breakfast.] Berwald acts more like a modern human, in terms of lifestyle.
As nation spirits, they don't need to sleep, but basically all do, Sweden knows. It is Tino that seems to avoid it, at times.
Even when they'd been intimate together in the past, Berwald had often woken up in the night [post-sex] to find that Tino was gone, and had left a note on his pillow saying he was out walking or whatever.
For months Ber tries to work up the nerve to speak to Tino in Finnish -- he's fantasized for years about hearing Tino call him Ruotsi when speaking to him, in a pleased way.
Sweden has read a lot of Finnish books, and of course had secretly read the Old Kalevala in 1835 when it came out.
Though their new relationship is amazing, it is difficult vis a vis having their 'talks about the past'. At times Berwald bawls so much that he's too exhausted to have sex, not that Tino [surely] would want to after seeing him blubber like a child over how he personally treated Tino poorly in the past.
The flip side is that this opens the door to hearing Tino's feelings about their history, and also allows Berwald to casually mention during one of their discussions that he has studied Finnish for a long time.
"Really?" Tino says in Finnish to him, looking pleased and surprised from where he is on the couch beside him.
They always have these talks at home in Sweden's domicile, not wanting to be around others during this time of emotional intensity. Well, for Berwald. Tino never seems to get super upset like he does.
In a way, Berwald is ashamed of himself, that only he cries and Tino never seems to, but in another way, he's so goddamn grateful that Tino doesn't, because it would kill him to see him upset like that.
While Berwald makes sure that he is very on top of the food situation, Tino often brings stuff he made himself, like Swedish desserts [sockerkaka, prinsesstarta], which makes Berwald wonder if he should tell him they should eat Finnish food together instead.
For just about ever, Tino was pretty much forced to only eat Swedish food. It'd be only right to do it the other way around, now. Not that there's a way to make up for what happened in the past, and also what Berwald personally did [thinking his hegemony was right, thinking it was right for Tino to be under his control as a person -- jesus, fuck.]
At home he now makes sure there are all the classic Finnish foods, though he's had to learn about them from books and the internet instead of from his darling, since he fucking kept him from his own cuisine. What horrible irony.
So there is always good Finnish rye bread in his kitchen [loaves, not crunchy jälkiuunileipä], porridge karjalanpiirakka or riisipiirakka, potato berry rönttönen. And for the main dish, lemin särä [roasted lamb and potatoes]; yes, he slow roasts it for hours in wood like you're supposed to.
Eventually Berwald notices that Tino is gone on major holidays -- America's July 4th, Estonia's Feb. 24th, obviously Suomi's Dec. 6th and his special Runeberg Day on Feb. 5th, and also Christmas, Easter.
[Berwald eventually realizes that Tino is not only very close to Alfred, but he's one of the few foreigners who is invited by Alfred to his private 4th of July parties.]
He's tried authentic Runeberg cake without crossing the border on his own by ordering it in the mail from Porvoo, where it is of course always available.
Berwald actually orders loads of stuff all the time from Suomi's companies and has it shipped to his house in Sweden, as that allows him to circumvent the 'he doesn't want Tino to ask him what he's doing in his country or god forbid get offended that he's stepped his foot over the border after their history' rule that he lives by.
"Yes," Berwald replies in Finnish back. "Though surely I must sound like a child in it."
How long did it take for Tino to learn Swedish while so young, he thinks. Was it hard for him? Was it as headache-inducing as Berwald has found trying to learn Finnish?
"No, you sound good," Tino says in Finnish, and smiles at him. "When did this start?"
Berwald can tell he's deliberately speaking slowly, so that he'll have an easier time understanding/mentally translating his Finnish words.
[From this point on, they speak in Finnish now all the time, always and only, for literal years, and then decades. Berwald fervently doesn't want to be the one to break the unspoken streak of it.]
Now that he and Tino are apparently truly solidly back together [he assumes [?], it seems like at least] Tino starts telling him about what he was doing while he was gone.
"I started trying to teach myself your language after you left. But that is cold consolation, I know. It was right for you to go; it was wrong that I ever made you stay with me," Berwald tells him. "Or took you from your land. I'm sorry."
Tino takes this in, and tips his head to the side, to the right a little.
"Thank you," he says simply. "I think it was better you than anyone else, at least, so we have that. It was hard for me to be away from my land. I was afraid all the time."
Berwald grimaces in sorrow.
These talks often make his chest hurt unbearably.
"I'm sorry," he tells Tino again, feeling the ever present anguish that is underlying his modern life. The person he hurt the most was the only person he'd ever loved. What fucking unfair irony is that.
"At least it is softened, for us -- not as much as say Alfred and Arthur, but closer to Spain and Romano," Tino says.
Indeed, Berwald knows what he means. Alfred is Arthur's sweet young dependent, in a weird messy love that neither of them seem to be able to pin down as either totally platonic or more.
Whereas Spain and Romano are definitely only lovers, they don't seem to have that parental-child thing going on. Even Berwald has heard about how Antonio is always chasing after Lovi, probably partially because Lovi is a gorgeous south Italian, and also partially because Lovi is the only person who acts like Antonio is not a living hellscape monster because of his personal past/record [other than his two friends, Francis and Gilbert.]
"I wish I could remake the past," Berwald tells him. "And then meet you later on, when I was better at talking. And better at morals."
Well, Tino still wouldn't have actually gotten with him then, he thinks, morosely.
Tino had had to stay with him because that was the way of things, and Berwald had taken his hand at first so long ago and pulled him with him.
And Tino had been afraid. Too afraid to fight back or run, he assumes.
"It makes me sick," he adds, "to think of what I did to you. You, of all people. Anyone else, and I could survive knowing what I'd done. Anyone. What irony that I forced my new religion on you, when it is you that was good, while I was evil."
Tino takes his hand.
To take it, he has to pull it away from his eyes, where he's put both of his hands over his face, pushing up his glasses. Berwald isn't even sure when he'd done that. [His glasses fall off at this point; he doesn't care.]
This is all so horrible, so emotional. Of course he's so cursed that his reunion with Tino has to be endlessly sad and includes Berwald having little breakdowns in front of him. Of course.
Of course he now finally talks endlessly verbosely to him, and it's only to beg for the forgiveness of his unforgiveable sins. What terrible irony.
"Everyone made mistakes in the past," Tino tells him.
He doesn't sound angry, at least. Berwald can't really see Tino's face, due to how blurry his eyes are with tears.
"We are now free in the present. We have that to rejoice over," Tino continues. "We can both freely choose now to truly be together."
"Yeah?" Berwald whispers, as he gulps down air.
"Yes," Tino says. "Now tell me more about your language learning."
Berwald shrugs.
Tino is still holding one of his hands. "Not much to say. It was hard at first, just going off of books for so long. I watched Finnish tv and movies, they helped me work on pronounciation and listening. And now, the internet has made it way easier to practice."
Once he starts unburdening himself, it can be hard to stop; at times Tino can't even get a word in, because Sweden can't make himself stop talking. How the other nation immortals would laugh, or not believe it, he thinks bitterly.
"You should leave me voicemails every day," Tino tells him, sounding delighted. "In Finnish. To practice. Practice makes perfect."
Berwald smiles a little despite himself.
"After I could read a little, I would get Finnish translated books that I already had in Swedish," Berwald says. "And put them side by side, and try to learn that way."
"Well you sound pretty good, speaking-wise," Tino praises him, and he can feel his face heat with a blush. "Can you understand me totally, right now, in Finnish? Do you ever not know a word, or feel unsure of the meaning of anything?"
"I think I can," Berwald agrees. "It just takes me a second to translate it in my head. And do the same when I speak in it."
A second that he'd never even thought about Tino needing, he thinks, feeling that prick of disgust for himself all over again. He'd never had a passing thought about how Tino had been forced to learn another language and communicate in it constantly, forever.
"I can't tell you how much I regret everything," Berwald mumurs, his voice breaking as the sentence goes on.
"We have to let the past lie," Tino tells him, letting go of his hand to touch his shoulder. "I think we should talk about it when either of us want to, yes, but you cannot let it weigh on you. What's past is past. This is a new era. Tell me more of what you know of Suomi's culture."
Tino looks just as beautiful when serious as he does when playful.
His lovely liquid eyes, his light soft hair.
When Berwald had first seized him, he'd felt he was a living treasure that he had to keep and protect. But he'd also exulted inside at owning such an amazing, beautiful little territory [in terms of people and power.] Little person.
Though he knows how strong Tino is now, since his people faced Russia and won [one of the only people to do that, and also Berwald has heard that Ivan himself is deathly afraid to be near Tino in real life, he never quite loses that feeling that Tino is delicate and mystical and special.
"I have listened to people play the kantele," Berwald says. "Read the Kalevala. Watched pesäpallo on tv. ... Hm. All too late, I know about your land. I didn't learn it when it counted. What is it worth now. Nothing."
Berwald didn't look away from the tre kronor until it was too late, only to find he cares for nothing except the metaphorical crown of Tino's regard.
"It is worth something to me," Tino tells him, snapping him out of his thoughts. He looks over at him.
"I have read books on the old, the native, religion," Berwald says hesitantly.
Tino smiles.
"It is still happening," Tino says, calm and pleased, weirdly. "The most rural people never accepted that foreign desert nonsense."
"I think I was wrong, in even accepting the Christ myself," Berwald confesses. "Maybe the old Swedish ways were the right ones. I don't know; at the time, they seemed paltry to me."
"Well, I know of a great faith that is also available, if you decide you're looking for an alternative," Tino says, and laughs gently. "And it's right next door. I can teach you then of Ukko, and Tapio, and Ilmarinen."
"I know some of them, mostly from the Kalevala," Berwald says eagerly.
Tino smiles again.
"You can come to my festivals, and see if you feel anything resonating for you," Tino offers. "There are spring ones, midsummer, harvest ones, midwinter ones."
"I would love to. I have longed to see your country up close," Berwald admits. "I've ... watched probably every video showing Suomi in existence. It's always beautiful."
Tino gives him a ribald look.
"This is still about the trees and lakes, right?" he jokes, and Berwald turns red, embarrassed at how it sounds. "I missed you while I was off," Tino adds. "But I had to sort myself out, of course. Know myself as a free person. Think about what I wanted for myself. And part of what I want, in the end, is being with you. Not with you having to provide for me. Not with you giving me treasures, but as a normal boyfriend. Like the humans do. ... Not that I'm not still going to run and hide behind you if Alfred rolls by and wants to kidnap me so he can have Christmas every day, ha."
Tino laughs brightly at the absurdity, at the silly idea of it.
Alfred practically worships Tino, even Berwald knows, because of the santa thing, and clearly because of some other stuff he doesn't have the details about.
Berwald tries to speak but finds he can't.
He can't really croak anything out, he's too overwhelmed. It is a funny joke, yes. He just can't get his mouth, or his brain, to cooperate fast enough. He's never been good at that.
He reaches out to hug Tino, and Tino comes to him then, scooting over on the couch, and sits on his thighs and they embrace, as Tino climbs on top of him, to his surprise-slash-excitement-slash-shock.
Suddenly he has a lapful of soft, snuggly Tino, and he can now easily press the side of his face into his fine pale hair and breathe in the scent of it. Oh, mmmm, fuck. The weight of him on his legs, and pressing up against his chest, immediately makes his body go into hardcore arousal mode, like tripping a switch. Tino nuzzles his neck and Berwald's eyes roll back in his head.
Fuuuuuck.
He's hard as hell immediately. This is like a scene right out of his most dirty fantasies, honestly. Being with Tino often is.
He's always tried not to imagine Tino in fantasies or inappropriate ways, as it seemed too impolite, too insulting, to him.
Tino jerks him off right there on the couch.
His hand is still so soft, so small, so surprisingly strong like a vise. Afterwards, Berwald has trouble catching his breath. He keeps gasping, laying back limply with his head slack on the top of the couch backrest. He almost had a quick moment of syncope, there.
Honestly though, zero blood is ever going to his brain when they're safe and together and Finland is close to him.
"I want to tell you a little secret," Tino says, as he tries to recover his wits.
Berwald tries not to lean forward a little in anticipation. And fails.
They often go back and forth in topic like this now, with Tino trying to lighten up their talks once in a while by saying non-heavy, non-serious stuff.
"I always feel some frisson of something when I see you without your glasses," Tino confesses, and gives him a mischievous look. The way he says 'something' makes it very clear what he's hinting at.
Well.
If that doesn't make him want to break them and never wear them again, nothing could. Jesus.
The truth is that Berwald only barely needs his glasses [Tino actually helped pick them out with him so long ago, and Berwald has not really deviated from the look Tino seemed to prefer on him], they feel like a shield against the world, something protective for him, a barrier that he likes.
They do also help him see more perfectly up close, so when Finland and him sit pressed beside each on Berwald's couch, he likes to wear them so he can see every tiny detail of Tino's face and expressions. [He could focus hard to do it naturally, but the glasses just make it even easier; he knows it must be psychosomatic but whatever.]
And so their days go. On and on similarly.
Endless lovely days when they're together very often, have fun, have sex, eat meals with each other -- it's all great except for the parts where they talk about the bad stuff that happened in the past.
For the first time, one random day together, Berwald asks Tino while on the couch, "I was so worried for you, afterwards -- were you okay during all that happened?"
The Russian rule, the Finnish civil war, the WWII stuff, everything else.
Tino looks amused. "Yes, I was okay. Sometimes for sport I shot my people's enemies down, during the wartimes. For a long while at first I just stayed in my forests. At one point I had Alfred come over, and taught him again. And I traveled the world with him and some people, just to see it."
Berwald didn't know Tino taught Alfred the first time, huh. Whatever.
"What did you think of the world?" he asks.
His Tino smiles. "Not enough saunas!"
Berwald breaks out laughing, surprising even himself.
Tino looks pleased at this; he is as beautiful as a lily of the valley, truly, always. "I did like seeing it all. But really, I didn't prefer any part of it to my home."
Berwald has a secret, complex relationship nowadays to Tino's use of the word 'home'. He used to use it to mean their Swedish shared home. Now he uses it to mean his personal little house in Suomi in the forest, over there.
"Anyway, what have you been up to, all this time?" Tino asks him.
Ugh, he thinks. Nothing at all, mostly.
Ruing his past decisions, getting drunk, doing some woodworking, learning Finnish and about Finnish culture from afar, basically.
"Just reading, and normal stuff," he decides to say.
"Well, that explains your very good Finnish skills," Tino comments. "Have you just started cooking Finnish foods, too?"
He's leaving out the 'for me', part, Berwald understands. Every time when Tino comes over, Berwald makes sure to have a nice spread out of Finnish dishes for him to try.
He either makes them himself [if it's easy, recipe-wise] or pays some human Finns that live near his house to make the stuff for him.
"Yes," he says. "Sorry for the irony of doing it now."
It's not like they were eating Finnish food when Tino lived with him. Berwald is always a bit afraid that him doing anything Finnish now is an insult [re timing and their past.]
"I am happy to hear about it," Tino tells him. "And eat it. You are good at it."
Berwald smiles a bit at that.
In the past he'd never cooked, either their human servants had or Tino had. Berwald had done the harder, rougher, dirtier, more outside work, like cutting down trees, building structures or furniture, ploughing fields, that sort of thing, because he was obviously much physically bigger, taller, stronger.
He had never let Tino do any hard tasks like that. Tino either did no chores, or he did light, easy things inside the house, not exposed to the harsh elements. At the time, Berwald had been quite proud that he treated him so extremely well. Norge certainly wasn't treated like a literal king, he knew.
The rare times he's ever gone to Ludwig-run immortal events, Denmark has offhandedly mentioned that when Tino does show up to stuff [almost never, but then it's the same for Berwald and anyone with any common sense, like Antonio and Lovi or Roderich and Gilbert] he only hangs out with the Baltics or Alfred or someone else that he likes, never the Scandinavians.
"I love to hear about your 'Finland' adventures," Tino continues, and Berwald winces internally at hearing him say that word in Swedish when the rest of the sentence is in Finnish.
There are so many things he can't ask Tino. Like:
-why did he take one certain cologne when he left in ~1800 and not another specific one? Berwald is dying for details
-why did he take only some of the priceless ancient jewelry Berwald had given him over the years and not all of it? Why certain pieces and not others??? Was it based on monetary value [did he sell them??] or was it based on which ones he liked best or sentimental value re Berwald giving them to him
-does he really like the Finnish food Ber's been making
-does he resent Ber making it now, after he didn't eat his own culture's food for eons?
-was he afraid Berwald would try to stop him from leaving
-how long did he plan on leaving
-did he always want to leave, and eventually just thought he would succeed against his captor
-?
All that seems unacceptable; Tino might get angry. Or almost worse, he might laugh and say that Berwald does not deserve to know his thoughts and spoilers, he never did [deserve it or actually know Tino's true feelings about anything.] Ever.
"I'm sorry I was so pathetic when you left," Berwald finds himself saying. After all, he had wordlessly sobbed in front of him, silently begging him to stay in his heart. "I had been worried for a while that you would someday leave me. I knew I couldn't live without you. Not that it wasn't the right thing to do, that you left. Of course I know that. I knew it then."
He was right to be afraid.
It's like how he's heard Antonio wistfully call Lovi his good luck charm -- that clicked for Berwald, the phrasing of it. Tino was more than his lover, his 'queen' in a non-literal sense, his favorite, his dependent, his captive. He loves him of course, and he also needs him. Both at once.
Like how he has no doubt that Arthur would kill himself if Alfred somehow permanently died. There's no question that he would. Same for Gilbert re Rod dying, or Antonio if Lovi died.
Berwald is absolutely codependent with Tino. Whereas Tino is fine on his own.
"Oh, my Sve," Tino says sadly, and hugs him. "What a hard situation for us. I felt very sorry for you, back then. You looked so scared. I wish you had been a nobody, and I could have taken you with me."
He could have taken him, actually, Berwald thinks. Easily.
"If you'd've let me, I think I would've gone with you then," he tells him. "As a nobody."
Faced with losing Tino, Berwald didn't, and doesn't, give a shit about anything at all. If Tino had demanded he come back to Finland with him as his literal slave, Berwald probably would have agreed, even in 1800. By that point, he'd been obsessed with Tino for many, many centuries, and they'd only been in a real, intimate relationship for about two hundred years.
Tino leans back, surprised, looking at him. "Well. I am learning a lot, with our talks. ... I love talking to you. You have always had such hidden, interesting thoughts; I am happy to hear about it all now. I love to hear what you are thinking."
Berwald has to let his mind reboot for a moment after hearing that.
"I love hearing you talk," Berwald says, feeling rather high, mindlessly. "I've always loved you."
Whoops. Ber kind of chokes a little on air, on nothing, feeling embarrassed.
Even though they were 'quasi-together due to the inherent coercion [?]' in the past, Berwald had always hesitated to speak about his love for him in depth to Tino. There was no way he'd ever truly reciprocate the depth of his feelings for him, so also there was no point, in a sense.
"I cared about you, even back then," Tino tells him seriously. "Even in our situation. And now, I love you."
Berwald ditches his glasses, because suddenly he's become awash with tears and they are too uncomfortable to wear when that happens.
Tino hugs him.
"Let's have a snack," Tino tells him, after comforting him. They go to the kitchen and eat together.
Later, Tino wants to give him a massage, if he wants, and Berwald asks him if he can do that vice versa. Tino agrees, and allows him to go first, since he wants to.
It's fucking heaven. The slide of his hands over Tino's creamy bare back. Fuck. It's somehow just as arousing as being given the same thing by Tino is. ... Before the moans, that is. When he gets to Tino's feet, Tino starts moaning identically to his 'sex noises moans', which means that by the time he's done, and Tino leans over his body to return the favor, Berwald is already excruciatingly aroused.
And also trying not to grind into the bedsheets, mostly unsuccesfully. Tino's soft, cushy hands stroke his skin everywhere, and he trembles underneath his minstrations.
When he digs his fingers into his muscles it's like a revelation, every time. Berwald usually has to bite the pillow to try to control the ridiculous noises he makes during it.
"You've always had an amazing body," Tino tells him casually, and Berwald involuntarily whimpers.
It all feels different now, to hear Tino compliment [or say anything] to him. Whatever Tino says now actually counts, because he's freely choosing to say and do everything he expresses. He no longer has to be afraid of Berwald on any level.
Sure, Tino had complimented him a long time ago, but in this modern age, Berwald has wondered if any if it were true.
He has always been only too aware that literally everybody thinks he's not handsome or inviting re his normal face/facial expresions, and everyone looks away from him, if they aren't outright afraid of his resting murder-bitch face, as the humans call it.
And he's always been only too aware that Tino found him scary too, which had killed him inside. He's just cursed to have his ugly, off-putting face and his poor communication skills. He's very bitter about it. It's such a fucking burden.
And uh anyway, a few minutes later he orgasms by way of grinding against the sheets while Tino is still straddling his back to massage his neck and shoulders.
He's kind of proud of himself for holding out until then, because Tino massaging his lower back is literal heaven, honestly.
It's just all unbearably pleasurable, the way his fingers glide over his skin so gently and kindly [not briskly, not neutral or perfunctory feeling], and then sometimes dig in and rub at the knots in his muscles, intently.
He sleeps a little after this, and then wakes and cleans himself up, and congratulates himself on having put a towel down on the bed. [He'd done that for Tino first, and then used it for himself after.]
Tino has clearly already showered and gotten back into bed beside him, by the time he wakes.
Of course one of the greatest pleasures of having sex with Tino at his house, other than the sex itself, the intermediate touching, the chaste loving touching, and the euphoric knowledge that they are probably going to have sex in a few minutes [priceless], is that afterwards, Tino bathes and then pulls on some fresh baggy shirt of Sve's, instead of putting on his own wrinkled shirt and pants, which are typically found on the floor in the house somewhere.
Tino then at least will always put on one of Berwald's t-shirts [even if he has some clean clothes of his own nearby.] His shirts are of course more like huge dresses on Tino, who is so much shorter and not as broad shouldered.
It's hot at the incendiary level, honestly, to see him wearing his clothes like this, looking warm, damp and relaxed from not only the orgasms, but also from his bath. [They can only bathe together if the point is sex, because otherwise they inevitably get frisky in there, and get dirty again, and then have to have a new bath, on ad infinitum, one sees the problem.]
And he snuggles with him then in bed, laying against his chest, which makes Ber almost tear up at the sheer perfection of it. His heart sometimes pounds at this point too, because he's so happy.
Tino has come back to him, after all this time.
And not even just to be cordial, but to be his lover once more. There aren't even words for this, for these feelings he has.
And why yes, post their intimacy starting in the 1600s, Berwald has always evaluated every new potential nightshirt [or t-shirt] for him [whether sewn by humans or bought online from a shop nearby in Sweden that delivers to his house] in terms of how he imagines it would look on Tino post-sex. Yeah. Worth it.
They rest again, and when both of them are next awake Tino tells him, "I brought you some things. Let me have a coffee first."
They freshen up, go downstairs, and Ber makes the coffee, pleased to pour it into the 'Finland flag' mug he'd bought long ago in case Tino ever came back to see him at home.
He also gets out some snacks for them, and they enjoy their repast together for a while with even Tino being pretty quiet, except for his pleased 'mmms' at the food and drink.
Finally he says, "Let me grab it from my car," and goes outside for a moment, and then returns.
It's a little bag.
Yes, Sweden is dying to know what he's giving him. Tino opens the bag on the kitchen counter and inside are lots of photographs, mostly of nature. No people in them.
Also, there a few little pencil drawings on pieces of paper too, he notices. By who -- Tino himself?
"This is strange, to give you, I feel," Tino tells him. "But nonetheless. There were many moments when I thought of you for some time, in a 'love-y' way, and I started taking pictures of where I was, then. Or drawing the place, before that. So here they are. This is all random to you, I know. But ... I don't know, I -- "
"I love it," Ber tells him, feeling warm after hearing him say all that. He looks at each photo carefully, and then is examining the little sketches intently.
He does love it. This is literal physical, tangible proof that Tino thought of him during their years apart, evidence that Tino still cared for him when he thought all was lost.
He does not recognize the places of course, but some he thinks are not in Finland at all, but in other countries.
"This is the best gift ever," Ber tells him honestly.
How much more perfect is this than any gold or jewels he'd ever seized in raids, than anything at all. This is truly beyond price, unlike meaningless treasures that are all interchangeable material frippery in the end.
Tino looks amused, and laughs.
"You're always so funny," he tells him, to his surprise. "Let's go to the fotografiska Stockholm tomorrow, they have a new exhibition on."
Ber agrees, and then drives them down in his car the next day [Tino's magic gets them there much faster than the normal ten hours.] "What do you think of contemporary photography?" he asks Tino, as they get in the car with travel coffee carafes, and take off.
"Well," Tino begins, taking a deep, considering breath.
Tino talks about it for all the time it takes to get to the museum, and Ber smiles, mostly unseen, to hear it, while driving.
Apparently Tino is interested in this topic.
They go on excursions like this, as if they are tourists almost [but not] all the time now. Eventually Tino off-handedly implies in passing that a little table of his is wobbly, and Ber immediately offers to make him a new one.
Tino agrees, and the next day he is off doing his own thing, Berwald works on this new project. He goes into his big wood working shed and tries to figure out what to choose for this project. He finally decides to make a few little tables of different wood types and designs, and then Tino can choose from them.
The next time Tino comes over, he accidentally stumbles upon Ber's huge collection of Finnish books [in Finnish], and some of his other stuff in that vein.
It's weird, admittedly, he knows. He actually shouldn't have all this Finnish stuff in his house, but he couldn't stop himself. He was desperate, and this was as close to Tino as he could get.
Also, Tino's culture is very cool, and ancient. So, it's not totally his fault that he's drawn to it.
"How much Finnish stuff do you have?" Tino asks him, interested, eagerly looking through his stacks of books and other things.
Thankfully, Ber already has the really embarrassing stuff hidden out in a secret drawer in his woodworking shed -- like some Finnish stamps he's collected, or his copy of Alanko's 'From Finland with Love' book, or his ten pennia lily of the valley Finnish coin that he put on a necklace chain and sometimes used to wear under his shirt while alone here at home when he was feeling very pathetic.
"I don't have any Moomins," Ber tells him, and Tino laughs gaily with pleasure for a while at hearing that.
The next week he brings him a Moomin present -- a little sticker of the hattifatteners. Ber loves the hattifatteners, so it's perfect and ironic [since they aren't talkative, and are very strange.]
Ber thanks him for it. After Tino leaves the next day, he puts it on his phone case, and then puts a bunch of clear tape over it, to make sure it is protected.
The day after that, Den calls him. He does that, once in a while, and has since this age of telephones. At first Ber always picked up, since it could be anyone calling.
He used to just pick up and say nothing while Matthias spoke, and then eventually Den would hang up. Then he got call waiting and only picks up for Den if he's in a non-super depressed mood.
And now he doesn't ever pick up a call unless it's from Tino.
This leads to someone knocking on the door in person, to Ber's shock, on a day that is thankfully a 'Tino is not here' day. He recognizes the sound of Den's pounding on the door easily.
He opens it, and Matthias blinks at him on the doorstep, looking at him. Berwald looks back at him, surprised to see him physically here.
"You look ... good?" Den finally says, sounding confused.
"What do you need," Ber asks him. He almost never has visitors.
"You haven't picked up the phone for a while," Matthias explains.
"Oh ... I was busy," Berwald says. "Send a letter next time; it'd save you the waste of time of the journey."
Ber doesn't live in a major city in Sweden, so it takes a lot of time for anyone to drive up to where he lives [if they drive instead of just hustling immortal-power style.] He'd always liked it up here in nature, where it was just him and Tino, and sometimes a few human servants.
Matthias blinks again at him.
"Why don't we hang out? Let's drink together," Den says, and Ber sighs a little.
He is busy right now with trying out some new recipes to make for when Tino is over. It's a whole process.
He has to read through Finnish cookbooks, select stuff he AND Tino might genuinely like [he has to appreciate it too, to show his interest in Finnish cuisine], then try to make it himself a few times, then do that with several other similar dishes, and then decide which is the best one that he should offer Tino next time they eat together in his kitchen.
"I can't right now, go ask Norge and Ice," Ber tell him, and is interrupted part-way through that sentence by a kitchen timer going off.
"I have to get that," he tells Matthias, who at this point can smell the air inside his house, which smells like pastry.
"Can't I try some of whatever that is before I go?" Den asks, pointing into the house re the nice cookie smell wafting out, and Ber agrees. He's still in the testing phase anyway with these recipes.
Brown butter is a bitch to get right.
He follows him inside, shuts the door behind him, and by the time he gets to the kitchen, Ber is already taking some lusikkaleivät out of the oven.
"Oh wow," Den says as he sits down at the table. "So many snacks. Can I try all of them?"
"Yes," Ber agrees. It would be interesting to hear Den's opinion on them, and see if it matches up to his own.
As Matthias tries several items, Berwald gets out some jam and presses the hot cookies together, and then rolls them in sugar, instead of waiting for them to cool.
It isn't so bad, hanging out with him, because Den is clearly trying to be chill and sociable nowadays. Berwald asks after Norge and Ice, since it's Den who has a relationship with them as opposed to Ber.
Even during the old union, Berwald tried to keep Tino as distant from them as he could, fearing they wouldn't treat Tino right, or that they'd take him from him by force or by beguilement [ie by Tino's choice.] If Tino was always by his side, he could always protect him and keep him, because back then everyone really, really feared Ber, which was a plus in that sense.
"So why all the baking?" Den asks him eventually.
Berwald shrugs. "Tryin' somethin' new."
That night, Tino messages him and says he's going to be off on a trip for a while, and will let him know when he's free to see him after he gets back.
This is an anomaly, statistically, Berwald can immediately see/sense/calculate, feeling a bit down about it.
He knows intimately the usual days and times that Tino typically says he wants to get together to do whatever with him. There's a whole rhythm to it.
He goes through the rest of his other messages after that, since he's got his phone out anyway [other than Tino's texts or calls, he doesn't use it much], and sees that his home security system [it's hidden from plain sight, but there], has a flagged notif on it. He opens it up and to his shock sees that when Den was here, Tino's car was spotted by the security cameras in the far distance, coming down towards the house, but then turning around, and leaving.
Why, he thinks, confused.
Oh. Wait.
He saw Den's car, Ber realizes. And today would have been an unexpected [in terms of warning] but a statistically routine typical visit [in line with his usual timeline of them], but he must have backed out and turned around and skipped it due to not wanting to have to talk to Matthias. That's what happened, Berwald suddenly grasps.
Hm. He responds to Tino's text message, saying:
I hope you have a nice trip. I have not traveled since the old days, I wonder what places are fun to visit now.
The next day, Tino writes back a few pages worth of opinions in an email.
He really has been all around the world, Ber realizes, surprised, as he reads through the pages. Tino has been to America's Finnish and other Scandi enclaves [he rates their saunas in detail], down to Brazil and Chile, over to South Africa, to India, to Australia, to Japan [he says they love Moomins, which makes Berwald smile to himself], and of course back to Europe.
He writes that he likes England and Wales, that Arthur had Alfred there to help show him around the UK.
That they went with him to France to show him around France, and Francis joined up with them and complained they started without him, saying only a real Frenchman could show him France. Prompting him and Arthur to passionately argue about it while Tino had lunch with them and Alfred.
He says that he likes Lovi's part of Italy, and that Lovi was obsessed with keeping him out of the sun and making him put gallons of sunscreen on himself constantly -- and that Lovi gave him a lot of personal tours of Rome, Etruscan sites, Mithras stuff, et cetera.
He adds that he didn't really like Austria the country very much, but he did like how nice Roderich was to him, and that Gilbert [who lives with him] too was sweet and boyishly excited to 'show off' how 'awesome' the country of Austria was, to Roderich's overt embarrassment.
[Apparently Roderich gets tired easily, and so it was Gilbert who would drive Tino around and point out everything during the day, and at night they would go back to Rod's flat and have dinner all together, with Rod cooking.]
Berwald finally finishes reading this missive, and then lays down on the couch downstairs and looks at the ceiling.
It's easy to imagine them traveling together.
Their little recent outings have been a taste of it, and it's been lovely to do things with Tino.
It's funny how his life is so different now.
He's talked out loud more now in a few days than he had before for centuries.
Mattias keeps coming back to his house randomly, which Ber is at first annoyed by, but honestly doesn't hate after a while. It's nice to drink with him, he's more chill than he used to be. Sometimes Den even talks about his difficulties grappling with his and Norge's past, and how that affects their current relationship.
Den is also keen to have snacks while there, so Berwald uses the opportunity to practice more Finnish dishes on the down low.
Of course, he forgot the real danger here.
When Den gets drunk, he talks. And so Berwald eventually finds out during a drinking sesssion with him that Tino has been spying on Berwald for a long time -- surely by way of humans that report everything to him.
That he's known that Ber has been buying Finnish food and books and stuff for a long time, because he's been watching him in that sense from afar.
Whaaaaaat.
Oh my god, he thinks.
That must be why Tino has been so well disposed towards him now that they've reunited -- and why he even bothered seeing him again at all. It must be because he knew that Berwald was putting in so much work on his own into learning Finnish and Suomi cultural stuff.
How lucky, he thinks fervently, closing his eyes for a moment.
The idea of Tino caring about him enough to bother to have Finnish humans in Sweden keeping tabs on Berwald personally and reporting to Tino about it [cause how else could it be done] makes him feel butterflies in his stomach. He would have never thought Tino would have thought lovingly or kindly about him enough to do anything like that.
Then he actually asks Tino about it. It's a letdown.
The truth is actually that Denmark and Norge have talked to Tino loads of times since 1800, first by letter and then by phone and email.
While Tino technically did tell them he was keeping tabs on Berwald, how it actually started is that Estonia was watching him [and everybody else] in general through hacking basically, and then seeing after a lot of years that Ber kept buying loads of Finnish stuff, he started telling Tino about it.
So that's how Tino knew.
Berwald wonders if that's why he decided to talk to him again, and doesn't ask. He's afraid of the answer.
Christmas is something Ber always worries about. He makes sure to give Tino his independence day present very early in December [even pre-the right day], which Tino seems pleased with, and then Berwald has to focus on finding him the best possible gift for Christmas.
As December goes on, Tino is more and more busy, and Berwald doesn't dare call or text him. And then on Christmas day, when he wakes up late, to his shock he finds Tino in his own bedroom, in their house.
Huh, wow.
He knows something's up immediately because the door is open.
Tino's bedroom was the room that Ber had given him as his own personal space, so long ago, after they'd left from Denmark. Eventually it had become a kind of private pre-modern office space for Tino, over the years.
Berwald walks quietly down the hall and peeks in.
Tino is passed out sideways on the bed with his boots still on his feet, hanging off the edge. On the floor are several pieces of his 'santa' coat and hat and scarf.
Berwald silently draws the curtains to help him rest easier, and sneaks back out, and goes down into his own study, shutting the door of it. He calls the Estonia guy, getting his number from Alfred, [who responds disturbingly quickly to his query on text.]
Surely he will know how Tino recovers after his special work as Santa, and how Berwald can help him.
The call is short.
The Estonia guy is clearly wary of him, he can tell from his voice. He sounds very surprised to hear that Tino has crashed over to rest at Ber's house post-Christmas. He finally tells him, "Try to make him drink a lot of water and eat meat. And rest totally, for at least a week or more."
Berwarld agrees to, and they hang up.
Tino though sleeps for several days straight, as far as Berwald can tell. This is fine for immortals, but it's still weird to see Tino specifically do it.
By the end of the first day, Berwald notices the sleigh that Tino set down behind the house. There are no reindeer or other animals anywhere around, just the wooden sleigh.
It has different ancient symbols on it, and even he can feel the magic emanating from it. He doesn't touch it, just looks for a little while at it from inside the house.
When Tino eventually wakes up, he takes a very long bath, and Berwald brings him coffee and sweet cardamom rolls on demand. Tino still looks exhausted.
He falls asleep in the bath, so after a few hours, Berwald warms some towels, and then picks him up and lays him down on them, and puts more on top of his body, and then carries him into his private bedroom, and puts the sheet and covers on top of him. [The house has central heating, Berwald installed it himself.]
He leaves a bottle of painkillers, a sealed thermos of coffee, a glass of water with a pitcher of it, and a tupperware filled with snacks on the side table.
After a few more days, Tino seems to feel better, and spends a few days just lounging in Berwald's embrace on the couch in pyjamas while watching Finnish soap operas and only eating salad [like dry lettuce, literally.]
"How do you feel?" Berwald asks him after one soap-filled afternoon, now that the tv is off, and Tino kind of makes a minute shrugging motion, where he is laying against his chest.
"Relaxed, finally," he says. "It's much nicer to come here afterwards than what I've been doing. I hope it isn't too annoying for you."
"I like it," Berwald assures him.
They are silent for a while.
"It went pretty well this year," Tino comments idly, snuggled into his chest. "Sometimes I like to surprise NORAD, since they do so much. Matty was a big help like usual. And Alfred, of course."
Berwald has no idea what that means. He's never heard anyone call Matthias 'Matty', like ever.
"I'll have to get back soon, to respond to everyone's thank you notes," Tino tells him. Ber knows he gives gifts to other immortals he favors or thinks should get something for some reason, not just humans around the world who love Christmas. "And I have to give you what I got you, too."
He and Tino have always exchanged gifts after Christmas, when Tino would reappear in his house. In the old days he often gave him stuff like cookies he'd made, and Berwald would give him a fancy cloak or something. Always practical things.
This time, for the first time in so long, Berwald gives Tino a cloak that he hand embroidered himself. They have not exchanged gifts since Tino left him.
Tino first gives him some stuff that other immortals wanted him to take up to Sweden since he was dropping by secretly as santa, which is a surprise, since that hasn't happened before, not even from Norge or Den, because as immortals they get tired of the endless holidays so there are no gifts between them [since they are like distant relatives, in a sense] -- a jordgubbstårta from Roderich [Ber loves these], cookies from Lovi, a bag of [gross American, not Swedish style] Swedish fish candy from Alfred [ha], stuff like that.
"I'll be right back," Tino tells him, and goes outside for a moment and comes back in with a box. He gives it to Berwald, who opens it. It has Christmas classic traditional cookies in it.
Specifically Swedish cookies, like those that Tino used to make for him as a Christmas gift. Just like always, in the past.
He stares at them for a long moment, frozen. His mind plays through the zillions of times Tino made these for him. This is the first time they are freely given, he thinks distantly.
These are the first cookies from him that mean something real.
Tino is touching him, he realizes suddenly, and looks over at him. He has his hand on his neck, and then Ber realizes his own eyes are wet.
Why does it hurt, to get this gift, he wonders. He should just be thrilled, and he is, but he's also so, so sad, too, for all the days they were apart, for all of his sins, for their old situation, for so much.
"Thanks," he grates out finally, emotional.
He grabs the box that he's put Tino's cloak into and fetches it to show him. Tino opens it and he can tell he's surprised; he is quiet for a moment, and just looks at it, and then touches it.
"Where is this from?" Tino asks him, pleased, still looking at it. Ber drinks in the sight of him examining it, appraising it, seemingly in a complimentary way. Ah.
"I made it," Berwald tells him, and Tino looks up at him.
The cloak's embroidery is all Finnish designs, old patterns from Tino's culture. Tino pins him with his gaze.
"I like it," Tino tells him softly.
He keeps looking at Sweden, with a molten, focused gaze; it's still a rush, to have prolonged eye contact with Tino, since for most of their lives, Tino almost never looked him in the eye for more than a millisecond.
"I'm sorry for everything," Ber says, for the millionth time. Tino kindly lets him get out his constant apologies all the time, which he appreciates. "When I think ... of how you must've been scared, of how we had a different language, of how Den and Norge are scary, in disperate ways. And how everyone acts like I'm scary. It kills me to think I practically kidnapped you, and put you in that position. I'm so sorry."
Tino holds him as he cries.
It's just that he can't bear it, to think back to the past and now understand how horrific it all must have been for Tino personally.
"That was a long time ago," Tino says after a while. Ber is resting his head on Tino's shoulder, laying partially on top of his body on the couch. "I've had many years to work out how I felt, and how I feel. I've been working on it very diligently for a long time. I know our past was hard -- for both of us, just in different ways."
Very different ways, Berwald thinks.
He has no doubt that all the other immortals congratulated Tino upon his breakup with Berwald, and again on Suomi's independence. Everyone is on Tino's side, as they should be.
It's hard to know you're the bad guy.
"Honestly, I think you should talk to my therapist. Well, he's more like a friend. Not like a real doctor."
" ... Hm?" he murmurs, surprised.
He knows of stuff like that, but that's for humans by humans.
"Yes, he's a human," Tino confirms. "Alfred got me into it. He said it can be helpful. Lovi likes it too, and Gil. I think Roderich made Gil go when his country was dissolved; but since he is really that old order and not a true country-only person, I think Roderich is just being overprotective. They are so cute together. Gil lives in Austria with him and manages his household, and he told me that he clearly has no choice, because 'Roddy's' head is always in the clouds, thinking about only music, so someone more down to earth has to make sure the basics are taken care of. I think Roderich actually deliberately does nothing so that Gil thinks he's needed, it's very sweet."
Ber has a feeling that Arthur and Roderich would choose to die first, re themselves going to human therapy. He can't imagine either of them condescending to talk to a human in an honest way.
"Why don't you try talking to my friend and see what you think," Tino tells him. "Not in the real human-doctor way, of course, just in a friendly way. It's nice to have a sounding board, someone to just listen to your feelings and understand what you mean, to a degree. Not that I don't want us two to keep talking alone together, I do. But it can also be relaxing to have someone to express all your feelings to who doesn't really give a fuck about any of it, or care about history, who is totally neutral and uninterested."
"Mhm," Berwald says, dreading it.
But if Tino requires him to do it, he'll do it. Obviously; he has to. He can't risk Tino being displeased with him.
He can't imagine talking to a human like that. He barely even talked/talks to immortals, much less humans. Much less honestly.
"What's nice is that these friends I speak of are human, yes, but immortal, too," Tino adds. "So it's easier for them to understand our lives, a little bit."
Berwald is rather surprised by that.
Tino is full speed ahead re him trying this talking-to-whoever thing, so he goes along with it.
Eventually he meets these immortal friends-not-therapists: Hob in London, Nick Knight in Oxford, Methos in Paris. Tino likes Hob the best, so Ber goes to see him.
[Tino first gives him the rundown on all of them, which is wild. Berwald restrains himself from asking how Tino knows that level of info on all of them. Is it his magic powers [since he does eerily know and do a lot of stuff as santa], or is it Alfred or the Estonia guy doing computer hacking to find these details out? Who knows.]
Thankfully Tino says he's willing to go with Ber to London, and wait in their hotel room to be there in case it would make it easier for Berwald, which is kind of him. He and Hob talk in the hotel room next door; Tino handles talking to Arthur about this and Arthur arranges the hotel rooms for them. They have the whole floor to themselves for privacy.
As immortals, they could get there very quickly, because they are not limited to human levels of speed; Tino though instantly gets them there through his magic, somehow. Ber asks no questions.
Though he thinks that it's a good thing Tino never came raiding with them as vikings because his magic plus Norge's magic would have wiped most areas and immortals off the map, he has no doubt.
He nods goodbye to Tino as he gets ready to go over to the room next door, tying his tie, and then Tino clasps both his hands in his old gesture of goodwill towards him. Ber kisses the top of one of his hands in return, and then steps out of the room.
He stands in front of the next hotel room door over for a moment, just looking at it.
What would he even talk about, he thinks.
How he ruined Tino's life? How Tino had to feel oppressed the whole time? How Ber wishes it had been the other way around because he loves him so much?
How there's no way to fix any of this, ever, and it feels impossible to deal with the weight of his mistakes, and how he hurt the only person he's ever cared about?
Sigh.
He knocks on the hotel room door, and a human opens it after a moment. The room smells like beer, which is good, because Ber would love some liquid consolation right about now.
Hob is nice and cheerful as he lets him into his hotel room. He is a short-ish human man with dark hair, dressed very casually. They drink some beer together. Hob is clearly a connoisseur.
Tino already warned Hob about Berwald's issues with speaking, he knows, he can tell from how Hob doesn't seem to mind how quiet he is.
Hob chats with him for a while in general, and then gets out a pad of paper and pen and asks him, "What are the big things you want to talk about?"
Ber shrugs a little.
"I don't think any of it's 'work on-able'," he tells him. "Do you already know about Tino's past, and mine?"
"I know some things," Hob agrees, "but only from Tino's perspective. I know it's not the same as you guys, but I was married in the 1500s; my wife died back then, obviously. I look back at how I treated her now with disgust. But at the time, I was proud of how progressive I was; I was like cutting edge, back then. Even she said she thought I was. And I think she was being honest with me."
Berwald nods.
"It's the same-ish for us, I think," he tells him. "Just not man-woman stuff."
It's worse, he thinks.
It's conquerer-dominated stuff.
"Tino said you might want to talk about some things that you're upset about that happened in the past," Hob tells him.
"It's pretty straightforward. I just hate myself for what happened back then," Berwald starts by saying openly, since Hob clearly is gonna already know all about what he did wrong, re Tino having talked to him before. "I didn't realize my ideas, our values back then, were wrong. Now I know."
And it's too late, he thinks. Too late to undo what he did to Tino. What the people of Sweden did to the people of Suomi.
"What's life been like, after realizing that?" Hob asks. "I assume it took a while to figure that out."
So he tells him about how Tino left him.
About how he learned Finnish after that, and all that. Tino has assured Ber that Hob will not speak of whatever he says to him, that it will be private, but really, Berwald can't imagine what he could say that Tino wouldn't one: already grasp, and two: already know.
He talks about how he hated that Tino left, even though he loves him and understands why he left. He talks about how he regrets everything just because it hurt Tino; not that he'd want to hurt others, or something, but still.
"It kills me that I put him in that position," Berwald says dully, looking at the floor. "I know he didn't leave me to punish me, but it is like 'god's punishment', almost. I deserved to suffer for what I did to him, and his leaving levied that punishment. Not that that's truly equal to it, obviously. But still."
Weirdly, it's not as hard as he thought to talk about this, to this immortal-human. It helps that Tino already knows him, and has definitely told him the corroborating other side of the story of their upsetting shared history.
After a few hours, he peters out, re speaking. He feels hoarse.
Hob opens him a bottle of beer and tells him to go back and rest, and Berwald staggers back to the hotel room next door, strangely tired after just having sat and talked. So much for being one of the original vikings.
Tino is there watching British soap operas [with the sound super low] while laying on top of the bed while eating salmiakki.
Ber feels a rush of happiness to see him like that, despite himself, despite how he feels.
What a dear picture he is like that, chill and happily enjoying himself. Tino looks up and smiles at him.
"Hey," he says, and suddenly it feels like all is right in the world.
"Come eat something," Tino adds, turning the tv off.
There is already a cart with food to the side of the bed, and Tino puts a tray with different dishes on it right on the bed and hands Ber a glass of water and a fork.
Ber sets down his beer, and they sit together on the bed and drink and eat some little sandwiches together quietly for a bit.
Then Berwald slumps down on the bed, laying down. "What was that tv show about," he asks him after a while, just wanting to hear his gentle, pleased voice.
Tino tells him all about Victor's [a villain on the show] latest shenanigans; he has always liked soap operas. Ber loves how Tino constantly acts as if the characters are all real people that he personally knows and is appalled/shocked/disgusted by/rooting for, etc.
He did that even a long time ago, about Nordic and Swedish stories.
Berwald falls asleep listening to him without realizing it.
When he wakes up, the room is dark and cool, and there is an extra comforter on top of him, where he lays on top of the sheets. Tino is asleep beside him.
After this, they go back home to Ber's house, and Tino tries to find the rest of that British soap opera episode on the tv, and then on the internet, on his computer.
So he's on the phone with the Estonia guy a lot, trying to find it. Finally he does, and by this point even Ber wants to see it, so Tino plays the episode from the beginning for him and they watch it together.
He does not, in the following days, weeks or months tell Berwald that he thinks he should go talk to that special human again.
Tino does not mention it again.
Berwald though finds himself emailing the human when he gets super down about the past, since it's an option, and technically Tino seemed like he thought he should try to talk about the past in this way, and the guy responds to him.
Tino was right.
It is nice, to have someone listen to you and be friendly and kind about it. Huh.
Actually, Tino himself now emails Ber all the time, and texts, and leaves him voice notes.
It's almost like the old days, like finding new treasure all over, just without the violent raiding and stealing part.
Berwald rarely gets emails from people other than Tino. He used to only very rarely check his computer or phone for new messages, now he does it all the time. He also now carries his smart phone around with him, instead of never, like before.
His email address is just '[email protected]'. That's what's typical for immortals, he knows -- Alfred's is '[email protected]', Arthur's is '[email protected]', etc.]
In time he figures out that Tino's moomin email address is his private one, not his 'official' immortal nation email, which he has as well. He smiles a little inside, to know that Tino uses his personal one with him. [Ber does not have a personal email, he's never gotten enough emails to necessitate it; he doesn't even get many phone calls.]
Now that he and Tino are communicating [and together] again, it's mostly just him contacting Ber.
Matthias calls once in a while, for the company, it seems. Typically Berwald does not hear from other people, unless someone like Alfred calls and asks if he can make him something out of wood [or to talk about something Swedish], which he is happy to do.
Immortals have no actual need to 'do' anything, nor a real day job, etc, so Berwald doesn't mind people that he knows requesting wood furniture or arts and crafts stuff from him.
One day though his phone rings with a call from Antonio, to Ber's surprise. "I need to know," Antonio says gravely to him in English, after confirming it's him on the line. "Is my Lovi leaving me for Finlandia?"
Berwald stills in surprise and confusion at hearing this insane question.
"What?" he finally breathes into the silence, in Swedish.
And then says it again in English.
"I know they talk, and he's been to see Lovi's countryside," Antonio continues, so somberly that it doesn't really sound like how Berwald thought/remembered he sounded.
"It's news to me if so," Ber tells him, worried. His insides feel suddenly dense and bad, like he ate a loose stone sandwich earlier instead of a normal one. "I'll ask Tino."
"Thank you, let me know," Antonio says, and hangs up.
He sits there in silence for a while, thinking about it.
He can't help but imagine how beautiful he knows southern Italy is -- the land is beautiful, it's warm, it's a huge tourist destination, it includes many important ancient places like Rome itself, the sea is all around it, down there. The food is famous for being some of the best in the world, competing with France or Austria alone, basically [in Europe.]
He can easily see Tino liking it down there.
He can imagine him in shades of white and soft light colors, in a warm vacation-style getup of shorts, shirt, sandals, lounging around looking beautiful and enjoying just being alive.
Lovi certainly is very beautiful and charming himself, Berwald knows, despite his easy annoyance towards Antonio if he embarrasses him -- Lovi famously just pretends the other immortals aren't even there most of the time, never speaking to any of them. Berwald has seen all this himself, before.
He can see Tino slipping into that world with ease, and Lovi appreciating him. Because Lovi loves art, and Tino is beautiful and lovely as a person.
Berwald calls Tino finally, and he picks up ... and sounds very drunk, being clearly at a party or something, cause he can hear chatter and music in the background.
"Hello there my dear," he says with drunk cheer, and Berwald smiles to himself despite the circumstances.
"I was asked if you were Lovino's lover," Ber says.
"Huh?" Tino garbles, sounding confused. "Lovi? Romano? No. ... But I would watch you be with him. That would be hot. I don't think Lovi would be up for it, though, he's like 'religiously' with his dude, if you know what I mean. And also religious, I think. I only care about my real religion, so I'm not sure."
Berwald finds himself relieved, bright red, and feeling a prick of shame re how he was sure it was right to force Tino to become Christian, so long ago.
Or rather pretend to become Christian. He must have resented that farce for all those centuries.
"Besides, I only want to be with you, my big teddy bear," Tino adds, to Ber's pleasaure and also mortification. "You are so warm."
"Same here," Berwald says quietly back, very red, now.
They talk for a while. Eventually Tino ends the call to return to the party. "I better go, but I will think of you later by myself, in a fun -- and inappropriate! -- way. Bye!" Tino says, pleased, and rings off.
Talking to drunk Tino is always fun, especially now that he is honest with Berwald. Tino must have edited his words and actions so much before in the past, he thinks.
Berwald sits there in silence for a while, and enjoys the feeling: of a bit of sadness, tinged with a little amusement and continued relief that he basks in.
He then calls Antonio and gives him the good news. The guy sounds tearfully happy and thanks him [and also god], slowly falling more and more into Spanish and then hangs up.
Alfred texts him a few days later and asks if he can get the IKEA lady [presumably at his local IKEA? In America?] to give him his Swedish fish on 'top' of his pizza slice.
Berwald almost laughs out loud.
He texts back and tells him that he cannot tell an IKEA employee to violate sacred Swedish principles.
Alfred sends back a 'sad face' emoji, to his amusement.
It's crazy how Alfred's existence and life has changed the world as they all knew it, Berwald thinks, working on a new coat rack for Matthias [he got drunk and destroyed his old one by accident.] Norge and Ice often use Den as a conduit to express their desires for new pieces in wood, and then Matthias comes to Berwald's house and picks it all up, and delivers the stuff to Norge and Ice himself. It's a convenient setup.
Though Norge kinda did treat Ice as a kind of 'child', the Nordics did nothing as extreme as what Arthur [and Francis, and others] has always done with Alfred.
Alfred is an eternal child, in terms of how he's treated.
Berwald has seen it himself, in person, how Arthur and Francis set up 'safe' situations for Alfred to practice talking to other immortals nation spirit people, ensuring everything goes well.
It's at those rare times that people like Lovi or Tino [and Japan] attend Ludwig's pointless world-immortal discussion events; they are like 'kind/gentle to Alfred' people. Foreigners who he can safely practice being 'professional' with.
Never mind that the reality of all of literal history has been them [the immortals] all beating the shit out of each other -- or worse.
Berwald counts himself lucky that he never hurt Tino physically, or intimately, and that he found him so young, so he could protect him. Because back then that type of violence was not just expected but even assumed.
He has no doubt the Baltics think that of him, that he hurt Tino, and everyone else too. Only Tino [and Ber] knows the truth.
Alfred being treated so well, so endlessly well, puts everything into perspective for everyone. In a horrific way.
Because no one was good to anyone, pretty much, in the past. And now they all have to live with that. Forever.
Berwald can see it on everyone's faces when Alfred is at the rare immortal meeting. They're all wishing they had a 'parent' like Arthur, a protector, a teacher.
They're all regretting what they did in the past that was vile.
[Alfred's nation humans even literally fought back against Arthur's, and Arthur clearly doesn't care a whit about that, that's how close they are. Everyone knows that Arthur would at least vaguely sneer at any other immortal in that situation. It's not like he's tight with the Australia guy or the India guy, etc.]
Even though Alfred is tall now, taller than Arthur even, Arthur still babies him, in his own way. And Francis seems to do it too.
No random immortal spirit person would ever dare get near Alfred, much less touch him, Ber can tell. Everyone fears Alfred's 'older friend' group, that is clearly devoted to helping him: Arthur, Francis, Austria and Prussia.
And then Alfred has friends that just seem to function as peers: Feli, Lovi and Tino, Japan, Estonia, etc.
Matthias has tried to talk to Alfred, Ber has seen, but Alfred himself seems to not want to, and so has only greeted the Nordics as a whole [ie Tino not there, as he isn't one of them technically, supposedly [?], due to being Baltic] with stiff politeness and moved on.
Alfred acts much nicer to the Baltics -- where Tino sits -- of course. Ber had heard that Alfred is often over in England, hanging out, or out with Arthur visiting people in Europe, like those that don't travel [ie Roderich.]
Everyone envies Alfred, it's open and obvious.
He is the only 'true' immortal child that has probably ever lived. The only one tucked into bed by a father-figure, the only one who was taken care of, and educated, and protected, and loved. The one who has never known fear, hunger, pain.
[Not to the degree everyone else has, though Ber had flattered himself before that Tino was similar; they may all be immortal but they still have desires and want to be comfortable and eat, etc, despite not truly needing to.
Life was hard, in the pre-modern era, and everyone had to constantly work together to have warmth, shelter, water, clothes, food, safety, cleanliness; Tino and Berwald had worked together, with Tino managing the servants and Berwald doing any hard labor required, since he was better at it than mere Swedish humans.]
It's funny how it's Arthur of all people who's done all this for a child. Out of everyone immortal, Ber would have never guessed it would be him.
Cometh the hour, cometh the man, indeed.
Arthur had never seemed 'nice' or 'sweet', ever. [Ever.] At least that Berwald had seen or heard about. Still waters must run deep, there.
Most nation immortals aren't even allowed to get physically near Alfred, much less speak to him, much less have his phone number, Berwald knows. Arthur and Francis keep him separate from the rest of the world deliberately, fearing everyone else.
Berwald has never been sure why he's been allowed to talk to Alfred, but never asked. Alfred just called him one day in the '90s, and was friendly.
He wonders if Arthur ever made mistakes with Alfred, like Ber did with Tino; probably not.
Alfred is so new, so young. And even if Arthur did, he can tell that Alfred clearly has no issues with him based on their public interplay.
Berwald wishes he could have been so lucky as to not have met Tino until the late 1700s; and yet Ber would have grieviously suffered being so alone, so lonely, for all these years beforehand without Tino. Actually, if he had, he probably would have been just silent all the time, and incapable of really engaging with him, because the solitariness of his life would have degraded his ability to try to communicate.
Though it still would have been better, if it spared Tino having to be stolen by him, so long ago. He does wonder if Antonio is in a similar position, with Lovi, but feels like he can't ask either, ever. It's too sad a thing to talk about.
It's funny how Ludwig never inspires envy like Alfred does, despite Prussia, Austria and Hungary trying to 'raise' him. Ludwig is just so clearly not normal, and his so called 'family' treat him as a weird sibling [instead of a beloved son], so no one looks at him with jealousy.
Alfred though, he has it all, and he's even physically safe over on his far distant continent.
Berwald is only partially jealous, because he at least got to have Tino at his side, coerced or not. At least he had something, all these years. Tainted though it may be.
And Tino is back, apparently, in a way, now, which he didn't think would ever happen.
Later that afternoon Tino shows up unexpectedly, but it's not just him.
After he hears a car so close to the house, he walks out, and finds that Tino is being dropped off by the Estonia guy. Tino is drunk-asleep in the passenger car seat, Berwald can see, as he steps up to the car.
The Estonia guy puts his window down.
He is a small man, with glasses. Not super gorgeous, but definitely 'boy next door' good looking. Berwald has always feared him for his close friendship with Tino, so it's a surprise to see him here.
Also, who knows what Tino has said to him, surely a lot. So this guy probably thinks Berwald is going to hell, basically.
"He told me to drop him off at your house. That he was going to go there today, but got too caught up at the party to drive himself," Estonia says neutrally. "Then after that, he fell asleep. So here he is."
Berwald nods carefully.
Estonia just looks at him, unblinkingly. It's creepy.
"I will carry him in, and make sure he rests," Ber says, and Estonia evaluates that.
"Make sure he drinks water and eats dry toast after he wakes up," Estonia says, almost begrudgingly. Berwald wonders if it's because he hasn't been able to catch Ber in anything evil so far. He wouldn't blame him, honestly.
Though it is kind of funny to get told this after being the one to take care of Tino for a zillion centuries. Ber has seen him drunk many times, and has taken care of him many times.
Honestly, Berwald was never great at being a viking, not like Matthias was. He was technicaly super proficient, of course, but his heart was never in the far extremes of it all. He likes drinking, but not until he passes out or gets sick.
He liked fighting, but not the almost genocide levels of death that happened back then.
He was a little more chill, inside, that's all. A viking that wanted to settle down just a tiny bit more than other vikings. Not that he didn't like all the treasure [some of which he gave to Tino as gifts] they stole ...
Anyway.
The point is that Berwald took care of Tino personally ever since he knew him. He had seen right away how Tino couldn't keep up with them back then, as vikings, and so had often carried him or put him to bed when he became tired or fell asleep.
When they struck out back to Sweden from Denmark, he'd had to carry Tino many times, as he wasn't used to the viking lifestyle [Berwald had made sure he stayed home safe in Denmark when they went out sailing to do some stealing and killing.]
Also, he made it clear to everyone that to get to Tino they had to go through him, which no one was willing to do.
He nods again, and goes over to the other side of the car, opens the door, Estonia unbuckles Tino's seatbelt, Berwald carefully picks him up and carries him out of the car, gently shutting the car door shut by backing into it slowly.
Then he walks into the house with Tino slowly. Estonia drives away, not saying bye.
Berwald isn't surprised, as people don't usually say 'goodbye' to the villains in stories. The world has done a 180 since they were young -- no longer are the vikings the awesome heroes.
He has even heard that Gilbert himself has gone back to his ancient religious ways, and now lives with Roderich in Austria in mainly quietude [other than when he goes out drinking with Francis and Antonio, of course.]
He's careful to avoid hitting Tino's feet on any doorframes as he walks around through the house.
Berwald has put Tino up to bed like this a million times before. He takes off his shoes, and his outside clothes, and then lays him down on his pillow under the sheets in his underthings, and then gets a bunch of stuff together on the side table on his side of the bed -- water, painkillers, crackers in a ziploc bag, etc.
He reads while Tino is sleeping off the liquor.
Seeing him so long ago was the most pivotal moment of his life. He'd sensed someone was over there, despite how that society wasn't warlike and dangerous like that of the vikings, and had ventured across the water alone, and roamed endlessly to try to find the other immortal spirit that lived there.
It had taken forever to find Tino, but then finally he had; he'd cornered Berwald, to his shock, but clearly didn't want to fight with him. He'd wanted to talk to him.
They did not know each others' languages though, so that hadn't worked. Mainly they had gestured to each other a lot at first.
Berwald had taught Tino Swedish that way, and eventually had taken him with him over to Sweden, and then Denmark. And then back to Sweden.
In his memories, those earliest meeting times are halcyon moments.
Now he knows that for Tino they were probably scary, unhappy times of oppression. And yet, evil though it may be to admit, Berwald cannot totally regret it, even if it be ill. That's all the joy he's ever had, living with him.
He puts his book down. What does Tino think about modern inventions, he suddenly wonders. He left him around 1800, so most neat new tech stuff hadn't been invented yet.
Berwald goes and gets out a sheet of blank paper, and starts listing things he wants to hear Tino's opinion about: computers and iphones, cars, electricity, plumbing, modern medicine, modern guns.
Well, Tino definitely will have gun opinions, he knows.
Berwald has heard about Tino's famous gun prowess. Many hours later Tino wakes up, and Ber helps him through his hangover. As immortals, their hangovers don't seem as bad as human ones ... but they're still not fun.
"I wanted to ask your opinion about some modern stuff, how culture's changed -- " Berwald starts as Tino has the restorative he made for him.
Tino sets down his glass, looking pleased.
"I think it's so nice," Tino enthuses, interrupting. "Finally everyone going back to the true religions, everyone calling people bullies and tyrants when they crush other cultures, all that. So great to see. Same for women having rights."
Oh.
Okay, Berwald thinks.
"And it's so lovely to see how Alfred is treated," Tino adds. "Finally, a young person is treated like the child they are. It is so sweet! He was always nagging me to get into technology, like Eduard wasn't already, ha. So I did. It's so neat how with tech you can hack and destroy almost anything. I have always preferred simple things, like a nice classic 700 long range tactical bolt action, you know?"
Berwald nods, blinking, trying to keep up.
Tino sighs with pleasure, now clearly reminiscing. "Do you you know that I taught Häyhä? How fun. Can you believe he was only ranked 74th on that tv thing? I'm still upset. Not that I'm upset with the top ten or something. I'm not," Tino insists, with an air that means he definitely has an issue with it.
"Sibelius has to be up there," Ber interjects, and Tino smiles at him.
"Yes, I like him very much, though I like the music of the ancient times more, with the kantele," Tino says, pleased. And then launches into a monologue for an hour.
Few people know that Berwald actually does try to speak at times, but Tino doesn't always notice, as he is justly used to him practically never speaking. In the old days, it was hard for Ber to think up what to say, much less force it out.
Now many, many centuries later, and a lot of attempts to speak more [with Tino as the audience], it's easier for him to speak. He honestly wonders if he has a speech imediment, or some mental issue, or something that humans have medical jargon to explain.
He doesn't know what's wrong with him, honestly. At least Tino has never insulted him for it.
By the end of the hour, Berwald has learned about what Tino thinks of:
-several of his old cars from the past [and what Moomins stickers he put on each one]
-planes [he saw early open ones but won't get into closed/modern ones; since as immortals they can all do some baseline 'magic' and travel quickly from place to place, that's not an issue]
-food of different countries [that he clearly ate in those countries]
-who he has personally built saunas for [mostly with Alfred's help, for some reason]
"I could help you build them," Ber tells him, and Tino pauses.
Not that he's jealous of Alfred, or anything.
Tino laughs kindly. "I know, I know. You are very good at building anything. But Alfred is so young. He needs opportunities to practice, and to work with others."
"Do these other places have vihta for them?" Berwald asks, and Tino smiles.
"I try to get them everything they need, but things are never perfect in these other countries," Tino admits. "Other cultures are strange. Like, Arthur didn't want Alfred to go into Eduard's suitsusaun, and he is still offended about it. I think no culture makes as much sense as Finnish, and Baltic ones. And a little Sweden, too."
He smiles at him, cheeky.
"I'll take that," Berwald tells him. He thinks of telling him how he's listened to old Finnish music recordings himself and decides not to. "With pleasure. What do you think of modern guns?"
Tino looks excited at this.
Before Ber knows it, he's driving them over to Tino's house in Suomi. Lucky that he lives so far north himself, not near Boden but close enough, up high like that. He drives over through the border past Kemi to where Tino's house is.
It should take two hours by car typically, but the roads are pretty empty, so Ber drives rather fast and gets there in a shorter amount of time.
At his house, Tino shows him his gun collection, like it's a tour. He's very into it.
Berwald tries to make appreciative noises when appropriate, despite having never been super into firearms himself. "It's late," Tino says, after a lot of time has passed, and he's shown him most of his collection favorites. "Why don't you stay over? Let's get a hotel room."
"I can just sleep on the couch," Ber offers, not wanting to have to leave him and his company.
He loves Tino's house.
He rarely gets to go in it. This time he is allowed to see even more of it. It's so warm and cozy, and all the furniture is small-sized to fit Tino, so utterly him -- one room in there is all black with skulls and chains [it looks crazy], and other rooms are just floor to ceiling ancient looking Finnish art, and other rooms have stuff that is clearly gifts that other immortals have given Tino.
"I don't think you'd fit on the couch, my gold," Tino tells him, and Berwald has never felt more happy about the fact that they speak Finnish exclusively to each other.
The way he used 'gold' means dear/darling in Finnish, Ber knows from his language learning. It's much easier to speak and understand Finnish now that he has a partner to talk with in it constantly, admittedly. But he's still proud of his many years of practice.
When he'd read about hellittelynimi, of course he'd immediately wondered what Tino would call him, if he ever loved him again [or at all, whichever.] Berwald knows that popular ones are like dear/darling, stuff like that.
And fine, yeah, Berwald had fantasized about the faint possibility that Tino would like him again, and about then getting to call Tino 'murunen', which he'd read was a lovers' pet name in Finnish that meant 'little crumb'; like that someone is 'small and cute/sweet'.
He's studied Finnish idioms. His favorite is 'ei olla kaikki muumit laaksossa' -- 'not all the Moomins are in the valley', or plainly speaking, the person is nuts/crazy/odd.
Berwald looks at the couch in question.
Oh, yeah. It is super tiny because it's for Tino, and he is so short. Only Berwald's torso alone would fit on it [no head or most of his legs.]
"Let's go to a hotel, then, after we eat something," Tino says, "I'll make kaalilaatikko."
"Okay," Berwald says, happy, and then is forced to sit in the little kitchen on a tiny chair as Tino makes it all himself, because Ber is 'a guest' and Tino won't allow him to help.
At least Tino says he's his 'favorite guest', which he likes.
Though he does enjoy getting to talk to him and watch him cook, admittedly. Especially when Tino is busy, so he can drink in his view of him at his leisure, knowing he's not discomfiting him with his staring.
Tino cooks the cabbage and talks about what he thinks of modern party music, comparing the music of the last few parties he's been at. Then he puts the dish in the oven to cook.
"Well, that's enough about me," Tino tells him, glancing over as he's washing off his mixing utensils in the sink. "What about you?"
Berwald just looks at him for a second, eye to eye.
Tino looks like a literal angel, even in this low-lit little kitchen, in his baggy white sweater from his closet in Berwald's house in Sweden. [After he'd been over to hang out at Ber's house several times, sometimes sleeping over, Ber had suggested he bring some clothes to keep over here, and tolietries.]
"How long does that need to cook?" Berwald asks.
Tino smiles wickedly at him. He walks around the kitchen counter and takes Berwald's glasses off.
Ah, he thinks. Yes.
He kisses him for a while, over and over, and by the time that Berwald is almost falling off his too-small chair while wrapping one leg around his body as they kiss, Tino pulls back as Berwald goes with him, not realizing he's pausing their play.
His hair feels like the softest silk in his hands.
Tino puts his hand on his mouth, and Berwald gets it.
"Let's lay down," he tells him.
They stumble over into Tino's bedroom, he pulls him by hand after him, and Ber tosses his own clothes on the floor. Tino throws his over a little side table.
They both get on the little single bed, which does not have enough room for Berwald in the least, and Tino lets him lay kinda on top of him.
Berwald's body half hangs off the bed, obviously, but he doesn't care. He does care about how his bare skin feels against Tino's creamy, soft body. Fuck. He rubs his face against his chest.
Where Berwald's body is very hairy and muscular and hard [he's always been worried it'd be uncomfortable for Tino to snuggle against, honestly], Tino's hides his muscle under a little nice softness, so that it feels like hugging a cloud when he's in his arms. It's fucking heavenly.
Also, the sex part is too.
While many immortals dally with humans, Berwald never had after his youth [when everyone did, and it was seen as normal.] He didn't even like the violent [intimate and not] horseplay everyone engaged in then either.
So it's with Tino that is his only time to be touched, and damn does he love it. He jealously guards his time with Tino from anyone else, not that he has many people wanting to talk to him. Just Matthias at times, or Peter once in a while.
They lay like that for a while until Tino puts a hand around both of them, and then Berwald is done immediately, gasping like he can't breathe. Thank goodness Tino has never said he wanted him to bugger him, because Berwald probably couldn't due to having no staying power when they're together. Zero.
It's just too incendiary, to be so close with Tino, all over again, but even better.
He's got a hair trigger now, worse than before during their relationship, because now he knows Tino is willingly choosing him, not backed into a corner and feeling like he has to.
Tino actually likes him now.
What a high. It's all very euphoric. And a nice part is that since he always gets off first, Tino manhandles him [it's so, so good], using his shuddering body to help himself. That just makes it all even hotter.
Eventually Berwald slides off of Tino and the bed onto the floor, because the bed is way too small for him, much less with Tino already on it.
He doesn't mind being on the floor. He was on a hell of a lot worse very often for about a lot of years.
"I think you're going to have to bathe in pieces," Tino eventually. "It's a normal size tub."
Berwald laughs, and Tino pokes his head off the side of the bed, looking down at him, and smiles. He's all flushed from their sport, and his hair is mussed.
He's never looked so beautiful.
"Come on," Tino says. "We need to make sure we finish washing before the timer goes off."
So they do, and then it does ring, and then they eat together in Tino's tiny kitchen on those tiny chairs.
And after that, Tino drives them to the nearest fancy hotel, and asks for the biggest bed they have, and they both get in it together. It's at this point Berwald realizes that Tino brought a bag with him to the hotel that's just full of bottles of alcohol.
They drink together in bed for a while, and talk, and Tino wants to snuggle [Berwald loves that], and then they go to sleep.
The next morning, he wakes up first, and spends some quality time enjoying how Tino is laying up against him while he's asleep.
How many years had he felt like he couldn't fall asleep because there was no pressure of a person resting against his side, no presence of someone beside him? Or at least even in the house.
How long had he shut his eyes and tried to slowly re-remember all their best moments together? Tried to remember the feeling of what Tino's silky hair felt like in his hands, how his velvet soft skin felt.
Mnm.
And now he's got it all back. It makes him almost tear up, with how lucky he feels.
He and Tino hang out all the time now, and eventually in the car Tino turns on the radio, and at one point a Mamma Mia song is on.
"Oh, Abba!" Tino exclaims, looking over at Berwald as he drives them to Stockholm. [Tino said he wanted to go shopping there, so he'd stayed over with Ber at their house, and then the next day Ber has driven them down to the city; getting there way faster due to Tino's magic, of course, since it's such a long drive.] "I love Mamma Mia. You must feel proud that the band is Swedish, yeah?"
Berwald smiles at him, and then goes back to watching the road as he drives.
"Yeah," he agrees.
After he'd heard Mamma Mia, he'd wondered if Tino ever listened to it, and what he thought. So it's very gratifying to hear that.
Down in the city they stop into a lot of stores; Tino talks to the store owners, despite the shops being ones like Sodanation and Sneakersnstuff [for Alfred, Tino tells him, before they go in], some bookstores, some design/decor stores.
Halfway through the shopping they take a break and have a coffee and pastries at a little warm cafe, which is nice. He's always loved seeing Tino eat -- firstly because he likes him to enjoy himself, secondly because it means things are good life-wise/politically, and thirdly because he used to be very proud of being able to provide the best food for his favorite, for his darling.
Later on the way back up home in the car, Tino asks him if he knew about the 'Fall in Love with Stockholm (Again)' ad campaign from 2023.
"What?" Berwald says, confused, not getting what he means.
They hadn't reunited yet by 2023, it was some years later, so he's not sure what he means. He can't offhand remember anything special about that year either.
Sure covid had ended before that or whatever, but immortals care little about plagues, as they have always endlessly popped up around humans.
Tino explains the ad campagin; Ber is speechless. And also mortified.
"Oh my god," he finally says, distraught. He stares without seeing at the road ahead of them. Thankfully they are pretty close to home already, and no one else is on these remote back roads. "No. I didn't know."
"I wondered," Tino admits, and takes one of his hands. "After the roses, I noticed it all."
"Roses?" Berwald asks.
Tino explains, and he stops the car on the side of the road so they can talk for a moment, because he can't believe any of this.
"I thought you might have been trying to send me a hint," Tino jokes. "But it did seem very public, for you."
Ber covers his face with his other hand for a moment, trying to get his bearings. The Stockhom travel PR group put up public ads all over, and made a website in Finnish [!!] about how:
-that Stockholm has been 'look[ing] over the sea' and 'missed' being near Suomi
-that Suomi has 'grown' and 'changed' and thinks it already knows what Stockholm has to 'offer', but that Stockholm has 'grown' and 'changed' too
-that if Suomi comes over, they can see how Stockholm is 'more exciting than ever' and they can 'turn on' the 'spark' again because they have 'some ideas' if you know what they 'mean', they're 'waiting!' [with an exclamation point, ugh]
-oh god
-please
-why
Berwald has to take the hand Tino is holding back [a truly extreme measure, since he never does that, why waste a lovely hand-holding by Tino, never] to cover his face. He needs both hands on deck to moan into as he metaphorically dies from this humiliation.
"I'm going to find whatever human thought of this, and kill them," Berwald wails piteously, and Tino laughs at his melodrama.
Tino of course doesn't have to worry about how this could have utterly ruined any chance of reunion, but Ber does. How lucky that Tino wasn't angered by this human's nonsense. How utterly lucky.
"Oh, my dear, it wasn't so bad!" Tino consoles him, stroking his shoulder. "I though that line about how the city's 'heart beats with the same intensity for you now as it did when the ice sheet retreated' very romantic. Though it is good to hear it was not from you in a way -- "
In a way???
Berwald wants to smack his head agains the steering wheel, and manfully refrains.
" -- because of the part where it said you'd show parts of you that I've 'never seen or felt before'," Tino concludes.
Berwald moans in agony.
"It was sweet how they sent a hundred roses to the Finland travel people, and how the letter ended 'let's fall back in love'," Tino adds, and Berwald does start smacking his head against the steering wheel out of sheer hysteria.
"I'm going to kill them," he wails. Tino keeps stroking his arm, a silver lining to this horror. "This is unbelievable. Oh my god."
"The short films were good, at least," Tino says, and Berwald gives up, and sighs, and drives them the rest of the way home.
"I think knowing about that has killed my will to live," he tells Tino despondently, as he pulls into the garage, and they get out of the car.
"I thought it was sweet, if it had been from you," Tino says, shutting his door. They go inside and Berwald tosses himself onto his [appropriately extra tall and large-sized] couch to writhe in pain.
"I will make us some food," Tino says, and leans down and kisses his forehead, taking off his glasses and setting them aside. "You rest, now. And just so you know, if you had had Mamma Mia made for me, I would have liked that too."
Berwald looks up at him miserably.
"When I heard it, I almost wished I was the type of person who would do that," he admits, and Tino smiles.
"I prefer you the way you are -- leave that crazy nonsense to someone over the top, like Alfred or Den, okay," Tino says, and kisses him on the mouth, chastely, and then gets up and goes off to cook something for them.
Berwald puts a pillow over his face and tries not to suffocate himself. Honestly, roses? Really??
That manY???
Ugh, god.
After wallowing for a few minutes, he gets up and gets his glasses and goes to see what Tino is doing in the kitchen.
It's funny, at times he thinks of it as 'his' Swedish house in Sweden, and at other times he thinks of it all as 'theirs'. Because it was theirs, for like ever.
Though since Tino never got to be his equal, that wasn't even true, he thinks. Ugh.
He finds the Finn in question making sandwiches for them.
"I think I'm over my meltdown," Berwald tells him dryly, abashed.
Tino smiles at him. "Let's eat and have some beer, then you'll feel better," he says, and they go sit at the table and eat together.
Afterwards they snuggle together in his [very large] bed; the press of him against his chest is utterly perfect. He rests his cheek against Tino's soft hair. Mm.
"I think I'm going to make a personal email address," he tells Tino quietly.
"Should we brainstorm what it should be?" Tino says, "because I've got thoughts."
Berwald laughs.
"Tell me," he says, and Tino lists them out on a dime. He's like that, always creative and funny and full of ideas.
"What about 'ontheartnotcinnamon' or '247semlor'," Tino says.
[The 'on the cinnamon' [på kanelen] phrase means drunk. And Semla cakes are only eaten before Lent.]
"Drunk on art insted of liquor?" he questions, and Tino laughs.
"Just cause the phrase messed up sounds funny in English," Tino explains, and Ber smiles. "Cause you like design so much."
That's true.
In the old days, Ber was always using his free time to hang out with Tino, and also to work on designs for new furniture, or yes, art pieces or decorations.
"And semla cause you like to have a laskiaispulla so much, and they're fun," Tino continues.
It's true that Ber has always liked semlor. When he was young, they were just a bun eaten soaked in warm milk; now they are way more amazing.
"Your email could be 'cardamomisthebest'," Tino says. "Or 'sevencookies'."
He does love cardamom, who doesn't -- and he does believe in the old Swedish maxim of 'Sju sorters kakor' [ie seven kinds of cookies should be offered to guests to be hospitable.]
Of course, coffee had been a luxury thing at first, then banned in Sweden, and then the coffee [and required cookies] culture took off much more even in the 1800s post-ban, and post-Tino leaving.
"I have a special Christmas email that's just '[email protected]," Tino tells him, with a smile. "You would not believe how many immortals write to me! About all sorts of Christmas topics. It's quite funny."
"Like what," he asks.
Tino talks for some time, telling him unbelievable tales of messages he's received. He details out how:
-everyone wants Tino to recommend gifts they should give to certain specific people, at length
-they ask Tino if he will give them a particular gift ["No, santa gives you presents that are a surprise on purpose," Tino explains]
-they ask Tino if he can spill to them on what other immortals are giving them as gifts ["No, obviously, even though I can usually tell"]
"Some of them try to 'catch' me by their Christmas tree," Tino adds, sweetly derisive. "Honestly."
"Why do you give the other immortals stuff?" he asks, wondering.
Tino smiles. "Because they all love me for it. They all wait for it, they look forward to it, and value me because of it. I really expanded my operation for Alfred's childhood, and then it just kept on going from there, really. Now I just enjoy it, it's just for fun, really. It's nice, to do something so good. Especially since I last century was killing lots of people all the time. It was a handy palate cleanser."
Berwald thankfully has a lot of gifts stored up for future occasions, because for over two hundred years he's been collecting random stuff that he's seen that Tino might like, or find funny. One of his favorites is a t-shirt that has 'perkele' written on it three times top to bottom, the letters colored so as to make up an image of the Finnish flag from afar.
[Ber knew most Finnish swear words, in a general way, before ever learning Finnish.]
He also found a little tea towel with all the Nordic [and Finnish] flags as little round balls colored as their flags, and the Iceland and Denmark ones are super tiny, while the Norge, Sverige and Suomi ones are big, all in a row.
And he got him a shirt that says in English: 'I'm Finnish, I like saunas and maybe 3 people.'
"I didn't give you any presents after I went to live in my house because I was worried you wouldn't want to see me," Tino adds suddenly, not looking at him.
Ber has always craved eye contact from him; it had been very, very rare for the first several hundred years.
"I always want to see you," Berwald corrects him. "Even if you say princess cake sucks."
Tino is jostled out his sudden hesitance by that, and laughs, and looks at him again.
"It's okay, it's not my favorite," he says back, less somber, now. "I did come spy on you every Christmas though. Here. In your house, I mean. I just wanted to see you, in secret, invisible. You were always asleep."
After drinking enough to pass out; yeah, Berwald remembers. He's shocked though to hear this revelation.
He'd never spent a Christmas mostly sober or awake, not since Tino left. Would he have come and spoken to him if he had? Who knows.
"I would touch your hair," Tino continues, to his surprise. "And your face; and I took your glasses off, sometimes. Which I'm just now realizing sounds creepy, huh. At least it was just for a moment, a little bit, and just on Christmas!"
Berwald beams at him, and mmms in happiness.
How funny, to think even when he thought he was totally alone and depressed, Tino had thought of him every year, and come -- on his own -- to see him. And not kept his hands to himself.
How utterly lovely.
"You can do that anytime," he tells Tino. "Always."
Tino makes an amused sound. "I promise you, I do not do that to anyone else on Christmas; I don't want to, and also I don't really have the time anyway."
Then they gossip about the other immortals.
Slowly, over the years, Berwald learns about what's going on re immortals from Tino. Ludwig and Feli are tight now, as are Antonio and Lovi.
Alfred of course is still surrounded by the implacable love of Arthur and Francis. Nobody really knows what's up with the three of them, nor wants to ask, either. In any direction.
Den and Norge are still always hanging out together, and both still are close to Ice.
Gil is practically married to Roderich, and lives with him. Antonio, Francis, the Hungary lady and Switzerland, and the smaller girl Switzerland knows, are allowed to visit, but only when Gil is there too.
Tino goes on, talking of even more distant countries, but Berwald doesn't know them well, so he doesn't care as much, and doesn't listen as closely.
Eventually they drink together, and then make out sloppily, which is very fun. Tino actually stocks his house with alcohol now [after they drank all the stuff he already had in the pantry], so there are many types of aquavit and other hard liquor, as well as odd bottles that Berwald has rarely ever tried before. And a bunch of Finnish brands too.
Tino seems tired after a while, so he just holds him, carefully angled, until he falls asleep.
[He's always been very turned on by Tino, and very aware that he needs to not make him feel weirded out by that fact.]
After Tino falls into a deeper sleep, he puts him to bed, and then goes and has a leisurely shower where he mentally does a play by play of their recent touching, and comes off like a shot under the warm water.
A lot of time with Tino is actually spent in the sauna together, which Ber enjoys. It's harder for him to stay well, soft, when he's sitting right there beside Tino in all his naked glory. He's like a vision. Thankfully Berwald has a lot of practice at this. A lot, a lot.
Though technically he's been out of practice since about 1802, or thereabouts, due to Tino having left him at that point back then.
He dries off, and puts on pyjamas, and joins Tino in their bed. He smells his hair for a moment, and then snuggles against his side, resting his face against his shoulder. He always enjoys getting to be level with or lower than Tino, height-wise, because he's always had to look downwards to try to catch his eye for a long time due to their big height difference.
Seeing Tino's head and hair from above is like burned into his mind as a memory, because of how much he's always seen it.
Looking up at Tino is always something he likes; he makes sure to get on his knees for him all the time for that pleasure, to give Tino pleasure, and also for the pleasure of looking up at him, from such a different angle.
He rubs his nose against Tino's shoulder and breathes in the scent of his shirt and him and goes to sleep happy.