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A crackle, and the sound of someone clearing their throat. The sound was somewhat faint, but it was quiet here in the wreckage, and Rei could clearly make out the words of a familiar voice from the small tape recorder.
"Shinji."
She wasn’t sure what prompted her to retrieve it, an impulse perhaps? Though Rei was unsure of what an impulse felt like.
"Maybe, if I’m lucky, you’ll never have to hear this message."
It could’ve been the way Shinji stared at the tape recorder before being forcefully dragged off. Maybe somehow, Shinji had connected with her and begged her, deep in his heart, to deliver this message to him.
"Maybe, just maybe, things will turn out right this time."
Shinji had no way of knowing the words hidden inside of this tape, but he may too have felt it. There was a possibility that her actions were an order from Shinji, but there also remained the possibility that this was her own free will.
"But in case they don’t, I’d like you to hear my final words."
Despite that thought, she still didn’t understand what her free will was. There was a driving force inside of her, something that demanded that she hear the voice inside this tape, but who’s voice was it?
"This may be the last time you see me, but I will see you again. I have seen you countless times but you’ve never ceased to amaze me."
There was a small sound similar to a cough or a choke, or maybe it was just background noise in the tape.
"I… have so many things I wish that I could tell you, but I get the feeling that this, too, is not the time. Nonetheless, I’m going to try, and I’m going to keep trying until the time comes that you can listen wholeheartedly to me."
Another coughing sound, and a loud thud coupled with a crack.
"Ah, sorry. Anyway, I’d like you to know that I believe in you. Even if here, the entire world has turned against you, I believe and will always believe that you’re capable of amazing things."
A deep breath and a long, drawn out exhale. Rei slowly began to understand as the tape wound on.
"Even if I am not there by your side please believe in yourself, and though you may not believe it possible right now, I believe that you can learn to love yourself as I love you."
The voice became calmer now, as if the words it spoke had been rehearsed a hundred times over.
"You are afraid, you are hesitant, and you are impulsive. You fail and you make mistakes and you don’t always know the correct
answer. You often want to run away when something is too painful and I want you to know that this okay. All of this is okay. These are all parts of you that should be embraced."
There was another sigh, and could’ve sworn she felt the smile behind the words that continued.
"I would’ve liked to show you that. I would’ve liked to take you into my arms and show you how the abyss that you feel you’re falling into can be transformed into lush meadow, where piano refrains fill the air and the stars twinkle brightly in the night sky. I would’ve liked it if I could have seen you smile again, truthfully and happily without holding yourself back because you’re afraid of your own happiness."
There was a faint knocking, barely scraping by Rei’s ears that strained to hear it. The voice grew quicker, suddenly frantic to finish what he desperately needed to say.
"I’m sorry but I can’t tell you everything yet. Maybe after this, if everything goes right, if this is truly the world where I can make you happy, then I will relay this tragic tale to you. But if not…"
There was a brief second of hesitation and though Rei could not see the person speaking, she felt the desperation painted on his face.
"If not then, I have a bit of a selfish request. Please don’t forget me. Please, at the very least, keep our time together buried in the deepest depths of your heart. Keep the words I say here pressed against the farthermost corners of your mind and if you’d like, remember them from time to time. I hope that you’ll remember me fondly, and though you may not understand-"
Rei understood. Though she was not the intended recipient, she understood the pain behind the words being spoken. She understood now who’s order this was, and how desperate a request it was to only be heard after death.
"I’ll see you again, Shinji Ikari."
The tape clicked and came to an abrupt stop, and Rei stood solemnly for a moment. She looked at the cassette player, now silent, and at the far away backs of her comrades, and began to sprint. They walked slowly, shouting angrily at each other. In all probability Rei’s absence wasn’t even noticed, which was fine.
As she caught up to them, Asuka scowled.
"Where were you that you’re breathing so heavily, huh?"
She was right. Rei was tired, sweating, panting desperately to catch her breath, and she hadn’t even noticed. After a second, she caught her breath and bowed in apology.
"I’m very sorry, I had something to retrieve."
She held the tape player out to Shinji and snatched it back when Asuka’s hand when the first to reach for it, looking her clear in the eye as she spoke.
"This is for Shinji, and nobody else."
She turned her head to face Shinji.
"I listened to it. I’m very sorry."
"O-oh, it’s fine…" He muttered, taken aback. It’s true, he was certainly hesitant, evident as he eyed the tape player before placing an earbud into his ear.
"Thank you but…why did you get this?"
"It was an order" She replied quickly and confidently, which seemed to confuse Shinji.
"From who…?
Rei watched intently as he clicked the play button. Shinji’s eyes shot open and he froze, staring at Rei, blood draining from his face. Rei simply nodded. She didn’t need to speak, and the tears streaming down Shinji’s face said more words than either of them could.