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The suddenness was familiar. It happened in the late morning, confusing and mortifying.
The way Jax’s tiny pupils flitted all around the room, the way she gasped, unsure what to do with herself, reminded Pomni of a skittish animal that had been released into the wild after years of living quietly in captivity. Or maybe a newborn baby adjusting their eyes to the bright light of the hospital room. As they tried to control her, get her to a safe place, she cursed, thrashed, bit; threw and broke things.
It wasn’t even their fault she was back, but she did a hell of a good job of making it feel like it was. Jax clearly hadn’t lost the aggression she’d possessed as an abstraction, however, being able to see her face now presented a sort of fear associated with the transformation that Pomni had never taken into account.
But that had all been this morning. Now it was the evening, and Pomni sat alone at the long dining room table, poking her food with her fork. After Jax had abstracted, she’d eaten so much as she tried to drown the feelings of grief she felt in the pit of her stomach.
Now, Pomni felt a new, guilty kind of sickness, one where even the thought of food triggered nausea.
Everyone else was in their rooms sleeping off the events of the day, so Pomni had been totally alone in the dim room when Caine suddenly appeared, an exhausted but hopeful air about him as he approached the startled jester.
“Hello my dear, sorry to bother, but would you be so kind as to deliver these towels to Jax?” He held one large towel and one washcloth out to her. “She’s… in the new bathhouse, but it’s not fully equipped yet, and… I don’t think she’d appreciate seeing me very much.”
Pomni sat up straight in her chair.
It was strange hearing Caine refer to Jax as a she, even with the obvious feminine changes in the new avatar.
Zooble had tried to explain to him before that as long as someone doesn’t explicitly ask to change how they’re referred to, it means you shouldn’t change that yourself, no matter how much it might “make sense”.
Caine had gone on to explain that when Jax de-abstracted and her avatar was updated, so did the information concerning her identity– Why would Jax’s mind file lie? Any effort to explain “in and out of the closet” to him was in vain. Due to his nonhuman nature it seemed that the concept was difficult for him to wrap his head around.
“Yeah, no, of course I wouldn’t mind,” she nodded, standing up.
Caine smiled with his eyes.
As Pomni took the towels from his hands, she noticed how he looked past her, seeming to eye her untouched plate.
Pomni prayed he’d just mind his business, and she was surprised when he did, nodding politely and leaving her alone again.
Huh. He used to intrude so much, not just with her, but with everyone. Now, he was so… not exactly understanding, but maybe just appreciative and aware of other people’s space.
Ი︵𐑼 ꫂ᭪݁ ⊹ ࣪ ˖
They hadn’t been prepared for Jax’s return, which was part of what made it so scary.
No one understood what she needed, and eventually they had to just let her go. After all, it’s more destructive to pretend you know what to do than it is to admit that you don’t.
Pomni pondered this as she made her way to the new bathhouse, the one that Gangle helped design with Caine. It was situated at the end of the hallway where their bedrooms were, and you had to go down a small flight of winding tile stairs to reach the entrance. It was a little uncanny, as were most places in the circus.
At the bottom of the stairs is a dark wood louver door, the cracks between each thin panel warming Pomni’s pale skin with the stuffy air on the other side.
She’s afraid to knock at first, before internally scolding herself: this was once her best friend. If anyone can get through to her, it’d probably be her– it already has been, once or twice before.
Knock.
Knock.
Knock.
Her movements were slow and cautious so as to not startle the unstable rabbit.
“Jax, you forgot a towel,” she croaked.
No response.
“I don’t have to bother you. Do you want me to just leave them by the door?” She offered, nervously shifting her feet.
Silence. A stark contrast to Jax’s behavior that morning.
Pomni took a deep breath. Calm down. She should just leave them at the bottom of the door and trot back up the way she came. Jax was probably in there, listening, just waiting for her to leave so she can dry off and go to bed.
Right?
“Uh.. everything okay in there?” Pomni said, a little louder, her voice growing anxious.
When she’s met with silence again, she starts to panic. She feels all her digital blood rushing to her digital brain, every worst-case scenario playing over and over in her head. She can’t lose her friend again. She should’ve never let her out of her sight after she was back.
If Jax abstracts again it’s her fault.
Violently, she swung open the door. She expected it to be locked, so she almost fell forward onto the floor.
The interior of the bathhouse had a tall, arched ceiling, made up of tinted glass squares. The wall on the far end was made of stone. There was a light switch on the inside wall of the entrance, which would make the sky outside the ceiling become either night or day. It didn’t really make sense for there to be sky, since this was meant to be a below-ground space, but the restrictive view created by the tinted glass kept you from thinking about it too long. The tile floor was wide, with six equally sized in-ground pools placed next to each other. The only light present in the room when the switch is toggled off was the dim, eerie illumination of the lamps within the pool walls.
Immediately upon entering, she heard a splash.
Her eyes dart upward to locate the source of the sound. In the far right pool, Jax sat, crouched down in the corner in the foggy water, eyes wide, covering her bare chest with her hands.
“Oh my god. I’m so sorry.” She shut the door behind her, dropped the towels on the floor and covered her eyes with both hands.
“Why did you do that?” Jax’s voice shuddered.
Her new voice is a bit higher pitched, with a slight fry to it. The snarky undertone remains. Despite the circumstances, Pomni can’t help but think how pretty she sounds. This is the first full sentence she’s heard from Jax since she came back.
“I thought… you were… drowning,” she lied.
“Pomni… that’s so dumb.”
She wanted to cry, not sure whether from relief or frustration. “Whatever. I brought you a towel. It’s from Caine, he said there were none in here. I’m going to leave now,” Pomni’s voice shook as she tried to locate the door without opening her eyes.
“No. Don’t. You can stay,” Jax muttered. “And… you don’t have to cover your eyes. I guess I’m stuck with this body anyway,” she grumbled, her voice cracking at ‘stuck’.
Pomni’s chest felt heavy. She was starting to sweat, but she wasn’t sure whether it was from the hot air or her own nervousness. “Okay.”
She trudged over to the edge of the pool Jax was in. She had her eyes closed, her ears drooping slightly. It seemed that Jax’s aggressive behavior depleted in the dark environment, just like how she was as an abstraction.
The water became less foggy as she approached, and Pomni took in the sight of Jax’s new avatar, or, as much as she was able to in the darkness of the room.
She has new, long eyelashes, very cartoony, but not ridiculous like the ones that came with the maid costume. Pomni was able to make out the outlines of Jax’s pointer chest. But the most interesting out of the rabbit’s new features would have to be her hair. It’s shoulder-length and straight, shiny now that it’s wet. The color is reminiscent of her abstracted form, as if some aspects of the transformation never fully left her.
There were so many things Pomni wanted to say.
She wanted to tell Jax about everything she missed while she was gone, but she also wanted to let her know how much she missed her, how sick she felt every morning she left her room to see the big red “X” over her former best friend’s picture; how much she’d daydreamed of a situation just like this.
“So… how are you holding up?” the jester sighed, sitting down criss-cross on the floor by Jax’s pool.
The rabbit’s eyes opened again. “Pomni. Out of all the people who could have been resurrected, I was the worst one you could have picked.”
“No one.. picked this.”
Jax sat up. “Then… how…” she shook her head gently.
“We don’t really know. Er, I… sort of did something I wasn’t supposed to.”
“What did you do?” Jax sounded nervous and mystified.
“I went into your mindscape while you were abstracted. I didn’t even know that was what would happen, but… I talked to you in there, and–”
“What? My mind? What are you talking about? Did you– what was in there?” her breathing became shallow.
Of course she didn’t remember.
“Nothing. It’s fine,” Pomni breathed. She figured the whole mindscape thing was an invasion of privacy anyway, and definitely not anything either of them wanted to talk about right then. “But… after that you slept for months,” she smiled. “I guess your mind was rejuvenating, or like, stabilizing itself. It hasn’t happened for other abstractions because no one really interacts with them, especially since Caine used to just leave them alone in the cellar.”
Jax’s expression became one of pondering, one of hopefulness; one of regret once again.
“I feel like I should be more upset, I’m just so fucking exhausted. I don’t know what the hell is going on, or… why I look like this, or anything,” she weeped. “I don’t know why I’m back.”
Pomni was appreciating her old friend’s newfound honesty. “Everything will be fine.”
As the words escaped her mouth, she suddenly regretted them-- god, what was she doing here? There are abstractions in the aquarium nearby that will probably never be able to return to their old selves again, a fate she knows is her old friend's fault. And here she is, saying all this.
Jax seemed to read her mind. She did not break Pomni’s gaze as she hummed, “Some of the… awful things I did, you don’t even know about.”
A twinge of fear and regret shot through Pomni. On the one hand, she completely understood the reasons why Jax felt she didn't deserve to return. But on the other hand, despite the terrible burden of knowledge she had acquired during her experience within the rabbit's mind, when she looked at this Jax, she still saw pieces of her old friend, but she also noticed…
Someone new.
“I know. And we have to talk about it later. But right now– It’s– You can’t even begin to think about fixing that until you feel like you’re ready. Because– just… sitting there and wallowing in your mistakes isn’t an option. I’m… not going to let you do that. I can’t bear it.” Pomni spoke sternly, but her chin quivered. “Things feel different now. To me, at least. I’m sure they do for you too.”
“Maybe on the outside, yeah.”
“No. You’re already being more honest with me now than you ever have the whole time we’ve known each other. That kind of stuff doesn’t just happen.”
“I’m wired the same now as I was when I left. You can’t just fix me,” Jax’s voice trembled.
“I never said I wanted to fix you.”
Jax looked down toward the water as she nodded gently.
Both of them were silent for a few moments, only the sound of rippling water echoing around the big room as the rabbit swished her paws along the surface of the pool.
Pomni sighed. “How’s the water feel? I haven’t been in here yet,” she tried to change the subject.
“Fine. A lot better than before. I… don’t remember it being so… bright? and loud out there?” Jax shook her head, scratching the back of her neck awkwardly.
Pomni chuckled gently.
“I still feel weird though, like I’m not… fully myself again. It feels… dirty,” she muttered. “But you can’t see me very well right now, so that’s why I don’t mind you being in here.”
Pomni nodded. She was about to say that that was fair enough, but Jax doesn’t need her to tell her that it is. Of course it’s fair enough. Even though neither bunny avatars were her real body, the change probably still felt very uncomfortable. “I understand,” she settled with.
“You don’t, but it’s fine,” Jax shrugged.
Pomni wasn’t going to let that irritate her. How could she?
Again they sat in silence.
“Your… new hair’s really pretty,” Pomni blurted, unsure whether or not that was weird to say. She prepared to see herself out.
But instead, Jax seemed to notice the way the jester’s hands fidgeted in her lap. “You can feel it if you want.”
As if by instinct, Pomni stood up. She trudged over to the side of the pool Jax was sitting in, aware of the way the rabbit’s shoulders tensed up as she approached.
She sat down cross-legged again, afraid to say anything or move in such a way that would change Jax’s mind.
To sort of test the waters, she took the ends of Jax’s hair and kind of rubbed them in a way that wouldn’t let Jax physically feel the touch. Even so, Pomni felt the rabbit inhale slowly.
The wet hair was satisfyingly smooth.
She worked her fingers up onto Jax’s scalp, continuing to massage gently.
Even more intense than the feeling of disbelief was an odd sense of gratefulness, as she never expected she’d be able to safely engage with her friend ever again, let alone like this.
Jax’s hair felt abnormally tingly, like there was a faint electric pulse, similar to the kind that the abstractions had, but much less painful. Unlike how Jax felt as an abstraction, Pomni didn’t feel repelled away by the charge, but rather drawn in.
She wanted so badly to continue chasing that feeling.
“Um.. H- here, use this,” Jax croaked, reaching a shaky hand toward one side of the pool, where a bottle of shampoo and a bar of soap lay. She took the bottle, handing it to Pomni.
The jester hadn’t even fully processed how truly awkward the situation was until she heard the way Jax’s voice stuttered, causing her face to redden in the dark.
“Are you sure?”
“I thought I might as well take advantage of your mindless fondling.”
“Wh– you’re the one who suggested–”
“I’m not saying I regret it,” Jax breathed, and Pomni’s sputtering ceased. “And besides, I know no one could pass up the chance to feel pretty hair like mine,” Jax teased her, calling back to the original comment that started this.
Pomni eased up at the sudden humor. “So, you’re not… embarrassed with the changes?” she asked cautiously, letting some of the shampoo out onto her hand. It smelled good, like vanilla extract.
“It feels normal. Like I’ve always been like this, even though I know I haven’t,” Jax murmured. She thought for a moment, tilting her head down to see herself faintly in the reflection of the pool. “I think I look better in the dark.”
Pomni rolled her eyes. “Everyone does. But… you… looked nice this morning, too.”
Jax hummed, a sound that Pomni interpreted as a mix of skepticism and bashfulness.
Again, Pomni wove her fingers into Jax’s hair. She massaged the way she did before, again feeling the way Jax breathed more deeply as long as her hands stayed on her.
She felt like the touching was more intentional now that she had been indirectly assigned the job of washing her friend, so she felt a bit more comfortable in her spot. “Just let me know if I start to hurt you, okay?”
At that, Jax shot her hands up to grab Pomni’s, startling and splashing water on her in the process. “Don’t baby me. Ever,” she snapped. “You’re doing this because you want to, not because I can’t do it on my own. Just because I look different now doesn’t mean I’m incapable of taking care of myself.”
“Got it,” Pomni nodded.
She didn’t dare pry any more, mostly because she already knew what it was like to be talked down to. In the circus, and long ago as Abigail. One of her worst fears is to treat others the same way.
Jax released Pomni’s hands slowly, dipping her arms back into the pool. “It’s okay. This feels nice anyway. You’re not doing anything wrong.” She relaxed back into her friend’s touch.
After a while, Pomni sort of resorted to circling her thumbs on the sides of Jax’s head. She touched one of her rabbit ears by accident, causing it to twitch. Cute.
Curious, she gently scratched the base of both Jax’s ears with either hand, causing Jax to scrunch her shoulders and let out a breathy giggle.
Pomni felt her heart explode.
She traced the backs of the rabbit’s ears up and down quickly with both index fingers, making Jax squirm where she sat. She didn’t move away from the jester’s hands.
Pomni laughed softly, too, continuing this several times until Jax finally reached her hands up again to flatten her ears against her head. “That’s enough,” she squeaked. “Good thing you were an accountant and not a hairdresser!”
“I don’t think there’re any giant talking bunnies who need their hair washed and done outside the circus, anyway.”
“Shut up!” Jax groaned, head in her hands.
“My work here is done,” Pomni teased.
She leaned over to rinse the soap off her hands in the water beside Jax. She yanked them back immediately. “Fuck, Jax, this water is scalding hot!”
The rabbit grinned. “Maybe to you. You’ve always stricken me as a cold shower gal.”
Pomni rolled her eyes, because she wasn’t wrong.
She placed the shampoo bottle on the tile floor next to her. “Well… I guess that’s it. How do you feel? Still dirty?”
“I feel… better,” Jax considered.
Pomni stood up.
“W-wait! What are you doing?” Jax’s voice trembled after her.
“Getting ready to leave. I thought maybe you’d want to be left alone now?” Pomni’s eyes darted around nervously.
She finally got the opportunity to joke around with her friend again, and she didn’t want to lose something so fragile by potentially pushing boundaries too hard. She figured, in that way, Jax might want to process alone again.
It was only her first day back, after all.
“You don’t have to leave…” Jax mused.
Pomni stopped in her tracks, looking back at her friend.
Her heart started to beat faster, even with no real reason.
“My hair isn’t… the only thing that needs washing?” Jax crossed her arms, avoiding Pomni’s gaze.
Under different circumstances, Pomni might have regarded this as Jax’s pathetic attempt to sound smooth.
Maybe that… is what this is.
Pomni considered this, trudging over to the bistro table where she’d dropped Jax’s towel and washcloth earlier. Out of the corner of her eye, Pomni noticed Jax sulk back into the water, still thinking she was leaving as that table had been in the direction of the door.
The jester said nothing as she took her hat off, placing it on the table.
Jax’s ears perked up, her eyes widened. Internally, Pomni laughed to herself— how weird how she could bend Jax’s mood so simply.
She scolded her brain for thinking that thought.
“What… are you doing?” Jax asked. As if she didn’t know.
“I figured… um… how would I be able to help you out if I wasn’t in the pool too?”
Jax exhaled in amusement.
When she was completely bare, she closed her eyes for a moment as she let the hot air of the room– as well as potential embarrassment– wash over her. It was funny that Jax mentioned feeling like she looked better in the dark, because Pomni tended to feel the same. Now that she was in this situation, she felt she couldn’t possibly picture a better environment to have it in besides the dimly lit bathhouse.
“Come here,” Jax murmured.
Pomni shivered despite the heat.
She took the washcloth with her as she trudged back over the wet tile to her friend.
Jax watched quietly with half-lidded eyes as Pomni dipped her first foot into the pool. She groaned at how hot the water was. The rabbit snickered softly.
She exhaled once she was submerged up to her neck.
Keeping Jax in the corner of her vision, she waded slowly over to the side of the pool where the bar soap and shampoo lay, and held the soap in her hand. Even though no one had brought it into the water yet, it was slimy from the humidity in the room, causing her to drop it accidentally into the pool.
She expected Jax to laugh again, but she didn’t, looking away nervously instead as the jester lathered the washcloth in the soap.
“Where do you… want me to start?” Pomni asked awkwardly.
“My hands, please,” Jax almost whispered.
She didn’t expect her to be so straightforward then, but she was grateful anyway, as she always worked better with specific instruction. Jax always seemed to catch onto things like that, about the way Pomni functioned.
She lifted one of Jax’s hands out of the water. She almost never saw her out of the gloves– her fingers are long, the prints all pruny since she’s been sitting in the pool.
Her skin is so soft, but that’s not due to the setting. She’d always taken notice of the rabbit’s fine fur whenever they had their fleeting touches back when they’d had adventures together– brushing shoulders by accident; hands touching briefly when they both reached for the same object.
Back then, she never could’ve guessed she’d get to feel Jax any longer than that, but she definitely did think about it often, much to her humiliation.
Pomni took each of her fingers between her thumb and index finger, enveloping them in the washcloth, then rubbed the web in between just as tenderly, before moving on to massage her palms. She felt like she could sense the joints twitching underneath the flesh, but remembered how unrealistic that’d actually be.
When she moved onto the opposite palm, Jax squeezed Pomni’s clothed hand, seemingly involuntarily.
Neither of them said anything, and Pomni simply continued after she’d been let go.
When she finished, Jax put her hands behind her head in a relaxed pose, revealing her chest and armpits, sharing an understanding glance with Pomni.
Jax’s body was easy to navigate, and very flexible, making the work easy and satisfying.
Exploring her was reminiscent of traversing the beautiful, old buildings she’d loved as Abigail– everything made sense, but was still unexpected enough to keep Pomni constantly engaged; always drawn in for more. The rabbit’s lack of genitals also kept things straightforward in a way Pomni appreciated.
She almost– yes, definitely– preferred that as opposed to something more realistic.
Nevertheless, Jax still shivered lightly as Pomni passed over the null spot between her legs with the washcloth, causing her to ease up on the area.
She didn’t want to make her uncomfortable, although she noticed that they, even without exchanging any words, seemed to understand one another’s intentions anyway– whenever Pomni finished washing one area on Jax, the rabbit would shift over to make another place more accessible, and it was always the place she’d been considering next.
After she’d gone over every inch of the rabbit’s new avatar with the cloth, she took into account the way Jax’s expression had changed from when she’d first started till now— she’d been nervous, curious at first…
Sleepy and dormant, now.
Even though she was technically finished with the job she’d been given, she returned to Jax’s chest on her own accord, taking in the way her square pupils dilated before her eyes slowly closed.
Pomni stroked her wet fur carefully. The rabbit’s stomach sank and rose under the sensitive touch.
After maybe a minute of that, Pomni noticed Jax start to reach over her. She’s so tall compared to her that at first she didn’t even comprehend what she was doing, but after a few seconds she felt the big, soft hands on her bare back, and realised…
She was being hugged.
She returned the gesture as soon as she processed it, immediately nervous that she’d moved too quickly; too forward.
“Jax? Everything… ok?” she squeaked.
“More than ok,” Jax muttered.
Pomni felt her breath on her shoulders, a sensation that involuntarily brought about the jester tightening the hug.
There was so much they needed to talk about, to clarify, to get on the same page about– so much already, but after this… so much more.
But it didn’t have to be right then. Which they were both very aware of.
“Wanna go back to my room?”
“We could do that…” Jax considered. “Isn’t it still a bit… bright out?”
“We… turned down all the lights in the circus after you came back here, since we weren’t really sure where you were for a while. But you can still wear the towel over your head if you want, while we walk,” Pomni tapped her chin thoughtfully.
“I’m fine with that,” Jax shrugged. “But… I still don’t have any clothes with me.”
“I can help you pick something out in my room,” Pomni said quickly. “Caine let us pick new wardrobes.”
Jax chuckled. “That’s funny… I wonder what your style is really like,” she mused.
“I wonder about yours too,” Pomni sang.
“Let’s… Let’s go home, Pom-Pom.”
Pom-Pom. She hadn't been called that in... she couldn't remember how long.
𑣲𝄞⋆.ೃ࿔*:･