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Least of all Rui likes being disappointed. Be it scripts, work, performances, his surroundings or somebody he used to look up to… or simply himself. The latter stings the most. Once there was a time when he couldn’t care less. He’d laugh in those dissatisfied faces mockingly and go on his merry way. Now, though…
Rui lowers his head and studies his hands.
Today was the last curtain call, the result of their incessant and tireless work. It’s been a little over the month already and such an achievement should certainly be something to be proud of. Sans the theater’s help, they managed to pull it off despite the odds.
Rui craved to see the day. He used to imagine it would be an elated, grand moment. Them, coming up the stage to take their bows and enjoy their audience’s smiles and cheers. They’d exchange the most delightful of smiles and hug it out behind the curtains. And Rui would feel like the happiest man alive, knowing he could share the stage with his talented troupe mates and friends.
In spite of it all, however, Rui feels endlessly tired. Like something has been ripped right out of his chest, leaving a strangely empty feeling behind. Instead of elation there’s an apathetic awareness that the fortnight is over. Instead of smiles and laughter there’s an unremitting surge to go home and let his eyes rest.
As much as he wants to say the reason behind these decadent thoughts is simple exhaustion, he can’t. His gaze follows along the line of the wall, finally landing on Tsukasa. His back is turned to him as he finishes folding the stage costume, his touch careful and precise. Yet when it comes to his own clothes, Tsukasa seems to struggle. A lot.
Rui hears an exasperated exhale. The other’s efforts are anything but fruitful.
“Let me help, Tsukasa-kun”, he offers softly as he comes to stop right behind Tsukasa. The other one turns around, his fingers still on the buttons, when Rui gently covers his hands and pushes them down a little, asking to give in.
Tsukasa is silent for a bit before nodding curtly and biting his lower lip. “T-thanks.” He falls back to being silent, thinking something over, before continuing: “Guess I’m all spent after our performance.”
“Our precious star is in need of long and undisturbed rest. You were spectacular up there”, Rui coos as he works through the buttons steadily. Despite his inner turmoil and want to scream his insides out, he manages to maintain a calm expression while offering a gentle smile.
“One night is more than enough!” Tsukasa puts on a brave face and squares his shoulders. “I’ll be as good as new tomorrow morning!”
“As good as new? That’s an overstatement”, Rui counters and lowers his arms as he admires his work. Another scoff slips through his pursed lips before he can stop it. His worries are uncalled for yet he can’t do anything about it. “I’m serious. Take a weekend off.”
“But I’m…”
“Your director’s orders”, he finishes before Tsukasa can and plants a loving kiss on his forehead.
These words leave bitter taste in his mouth. His good intentions do nothing but stir up his inner unrest some more, tearing apart each and every thought. Does he even have the right to call himself that after…
He shakes his head and melts into embrace. His cheek rests on Tsukasa’s head as he closes his eyes and prays so that his treacherous heart won’t make his anxiety obvious.
This light touch, something cherished yet common before, feels quite different and heavy. Rui got used to hands-holding, embraces and sudden kisses way too quickly to admit to it without blushing. Those quiet and intimate moments became important on par with workshops, rehearsals and sales in the nearest shop. Routine yet meaningful.
Now…
‘Don’t talk to me.’
Rui exhales shakily and presses even closer, fighting off another wave of nausea. He spent a few days in ignorance and complete denial. A few days which have led to being deeply disappointed in himself. He failed as a director, a friend and… significant other.
“Rui?” a sudden call tears him away from his thoughts.
He flinches and lets go of Tsukasa, intently studying this precious face. His left hand is in the air before he can register anything, the thumb gently caressing pale cheeks. It stops right under the eye where the dark circles are visible. It hurts to see him like this; Tsukasa was always meticulous when it came to his health.
“Sorry, I spaced out a bit.”
“‘A bit’? That’s putting it lightly. It’s like you’re not even here with me. Are you alright?”
Despite how spent and quiet his voice is, Tsukasa still finds it in him to worry about somebody else. Though he looks worse than all of them combined.
“I should be the one asking this, Tsukasa-kun.”
“I’m also being serious, Rui. You weren’t sacrificing your sleep, were you? Are you keeping up with your meals?” Tsukasa squints, peering into the other’s expression as if trying to guess what’s going on under it. His concern is nothing but an act of hypocrisy. It takes everything out of Rui to hold in another sarcastic scoff. “If you need me to…”
How does he have any strength left in him to be concerned about anyone else is beyond comprehension. Perhaps, that’s simply how he’s meant to be. Kind and caring to those around him even at his own dispense.
“Two weeks of almost non-stop performances did take a toll on me. Perhaps, I overestimated myself”, Rui sighs dramatically and manages to squeeze out an even brighter smile. How marvelous that he has a perfectly suitable excuse for his behavior. A disdainful one, sure, but an excuse nonetheless. “Tsukasa-kun?”
“Shaking in my socks already”, he mumbles grumpily in reply.
“Why, oh why? I haven’t even said anything.”
“I know this expression of yours. It means nothing but trouble.”
“Don’t be so inclined to refuse me. Who knows, you might even like what I have to offer.”
He smiles in a conspiring manner and finally notices the other’s eyes light up with a dazzling glint. A small, sweet smile is tugging at the corner of his lips yet Tsukasa still persist at being completely disheartened by the offer.
…though it doesn’t last long. His made-up indifference is soon to bleed into enthusiasm. To be fair, Rui himself is delighted by that. He was so eager he had thought of referring to back-handed tactics such as pleading in a cutesy manner. Something Tsukasa can never say no to no matter how many times he tries.
They say their goodbyes to the girls, thank the theater’s staff on the way out. They do make a little detour and eventually find themselves in the local convenience store for some grocery shopping. Thanks to Tenma’s incessant refusal to even consider the possibility of snacking on instant noodles before going to bed.
“Dinner is an essential part of your daily routine”, he protested, glaring at Rui. “Now I seem to understand why you were so sluggish before! How long do you intend to torture your poor body and health?”
“I wouldn’t go so far as to call it a torture… If anything, you’re dragging my fair name through mud, Tsukasa-kun!”
“Don’t even start thinking that I haven’t noticed you sneaking food out of my lunchbox”, Tsukasa shakes his head disapprovingly and stops next to the meat section. His gaze trails along the packages with great interest. “Beef or pork?”
“Pork. Your lunch looked way too delectable to not have a taste.”
“A taste? You wolfed down half of it.”
“Which only proves how incredible your cooking skills are.”
“The only thing it proves is that you had no lunch!”
“I’m dating a hog, I tell you”, Rui sighs and follows Tsukasa obediently.
The other one huffs in response and clicks his tongue: “Perhaps, I should start being more hoggish and cook meals for one person only. That ought to teach you a lesson or two.”
Rui gives in. Both his arms go upward in a defeated manner as he continues following Tsukasa, their shoulders brushing from time to time.
The notion of them shopping together is somehow domestic and grounding, something to think about instead of eating away at yourself. Kamishiro is more than happy not to touch the subject any time soon. Not to think of him again. Sakaki's words are still ringing in his mind, a gruesome reminder of what has happened. It takes so much as to think about his face before Rui comes spiraling down again.
‘Don’t interfere.’
‘It’s more fun like that.’
‘…let him continue.’
Never in his life would Rui curse his innate passiveness as much as he does now.
His gaze trails towards Tsukasa, deep into the conversation with the cashier. He looks normal… way too normal considering those past two weeks. One more thing to be wary about.
…well, ‘be wary about’ doesn’t do it justice. Rui is petrified by the mere conjecture as to what’s going on in that head of his.
Even when they enter Kamishiro’s residence and Tsukasa is back to scolding Rui for not following even the simplest of diets during his parents’ absence, Rui can’t stop worrying.
He replies in his usual demeanor, responses carrying that light and sly manner he’s long got accustomed to but… There are those swift, barely noticeable moments as Tsukasa thinks nobody’s looking at him when he falls so deep into his thoughts, the look on his face is back to that hollow expression, gaze distant and dull.
Say something.
Instead, Rui hugs him from the back, his chin comfortable on Tsukasa’s shoulder as he studies the ingredients on the pan intently. His impulse is met with a soft grumble and a defeated sigh as Rui offers another cunning smile and plants a smooch on the other’s cheek before retiring to the bathroom.
In other words, he flees.
The never-ending chase continues so. Rui can’t make up his mind, can’t speak up of what’s bothering him the same way he can’t forget and live on. He feels like a vile coward by the inability to stand up for what matters. And so, he purses his lips and chooses silence once more, that ugly mask of pretense glued to his face.
He should’ve been the one to start the talk and bring up the problem. He should’ve been the one to interfere and take care of Tsukasa’s well-being. He must bear the immense responsibility which comes with everything he has taken upon himself. So far, he appears to be failing in every way imaginable.
They talk about something unimportant and relatively mild as they share dinner. Rui is back to his bedroom, one place he pays a visit only when Tsukasa stays over, and listens to the shower running next room. He clutches the blanket with trembling fingers, stands up as if he’s made up his mind, only to fall back into the bed.
Rui can’t seem to comprehend why it’s so difficult to take this step. Tsukasa’s safety and well-being have always been at the top of his priorities. What changed?
He’s back to reality with the click of the doorknob. Rui looks up almost immediately, managing to conjure one of the sweetest smiles he’s capable of in such a short notice.
Their sleepover was spur-of-the-moment, so it’s not a surprise that Tsukasa is standing in the doorframe, wearing Rui’s pajamas. A bit loose but cute nonetheless.
“Turn off the lights, please”, Rui asks softly as he moves to the other side of the bed.
“I thought we were going to watch something?” There is a clear confusion in Tsukasa’s voice yet despite it he still does as told and flips the switch. His light steps echo through a barren bedroom, and the blanket rustles as he crawls under it.
Once he’s within reach, Rui opens his arms in a welcoming gesture and invites him for a hug. It’s tender and warm, and everything and anything they could’ve desired. Tsukasa relaxes into it almost immediately, his nose buried in Rui’s chest.
“Some other time,” Kamishiro manages a response and lets his eyelids droop.
He can’t even begin to describe how much he’s missed those quiet and intimate moments. Two whole weeks of extended rehearsals and performances allowed only for rare kisses exchanged behind the curtains… and all of them were cut short when Tenma’s individual lessons became even more demanding and stern.
…back to the claws of his treacherous mind. It bites and tears away his sanity piece by piece, making him want to cry out in pain and desperation. He wants to beg for mercy, to be spared of making this almost inhumane choice. He can’t shoulder that responsibility alone.
As much as he trusts Tsukasa and his decisions, never once was he worried sick this much. The performance was immaculate, there’s no point in denying the fact, yet Rui has never woken up drenched in sweat and terrified that something bad might had happened to his boyfriend overnight.
“Rui?”
“Hmm? You were saying, Tsukasa-kun?”
“Your head is in the clouds again,” Tsukasa utters after a brief pause. “Are you really sure everything is alright?”
“But of course”, Rui smiles once again and pulls away just so he can properly look at the other one. His eyes are glistening in the dim light of the night light, left on specifically for Tsukasa’s sake. “Why wouldn’t it be alright?”
“You seemed out of it for the past couple of days. This whole evening, too. You look like you want to say something.”
“You must be imag…”
“I’m not imagining anything! I can see that something’s gnawing at you”, Tsukasa falls silent once again. The very next second a shadow crosses his face, one that signifies realization. “If it’s about that talk…”
There it is. The hook, the opportunity to bring up the topic. Your silence has proved to be nothing but a nuisance, how much longer are you going to cling onto it? Let your stupid tongue run, dammit.
“I…” Rui chokes on the word, his smile fading away. Something inside of him breaks with an unpleasantly gruesome sound—something that means the end of his pretense. “I’m scared of losing you. Deathly scared.”
That’s all he can muster up. His worries and fears, manifesting and swirling deep in his chest, come out as nothing more but a weak plea. A cry for help.
“Losing me? But I’m not going anywhere, am I?” Tsukasa sighs. There’s a hint of perplexity in his eyes, something he waves off the very next second. It’s barely there but Rui notices it anyway. Can he really blame Tsukasa for it when he himself has no clue why it’s happening to them now? “Rui, if you would listen to me…”
Kamishiro cuts him off before he can even finish the sentence. He presses their lips together, his hand slowly caressing Tsukasa’s face, fingers tangled in the hair. His heartbeat is all over the place, making him feel lightheaded.
Even when he drinks up every soft sigh in-between their shared kisses, he can’t bring himself to think about anything else than that intent feeling of disgust. It’s sickening.
He pulls away just a bit, his breath still hot and rapid as he keeps stroking Tsukasa’s cheek gently. It’s not enough to pry the fear away.
“You can’t…” Tsukasa whispers, a small smile tugging at the corner of his lips. His eyes soften, emitting that same warmth and love Rui has been craving all this time. “You can’t avoid unpleasant topics like that.”
“It seems I can”, he shrugs. “If you ask me, the strategy is flawless.”
“You’re impossible”, Tsukasa laughs breathlessly and presses his forehead against the other’s. “You do know how much I love you, right? If you need me at any time, for any trivial thing such as talking or…”
The rest of his words fall into obscurity. Rui takes a shaky breath and purses his lips, clinging to the warmth next to him.
“I-I…” he manages to utter before it all comes crashing down.
Tears well up in the corners of his eyes before silently make their way across the face and disappear into the pillow. Rui tries to speak up once more… only to break into quiet sobbing.
He hasn’t cried like that since he was little. Hasn’t felt such hopelessness in the face of the future since middle school days.
He nestles against Tsukasa in a pitiful attempt of seeking out some warmth and consolation, fingers clutching the soft cloth as silent tears run down his face. He can’t utter a single word, the world falling into a blurry obscurity in front of him. He can’t even muster the will to imagine his life without Tsukasa by his side.
Tenma is silently motionless through it. Be it Rui’s crying which makes him perplexed or inability to offer his sympathies in the face of such a rare and bizarre occurrence, doesn’t matter. His hand finds its way on Rui’s head, patting it lightly. Sometimes Tsukasa combs through his hair gently as if trying to comfort him silently.
His big caring heart can’t help bleeding out for him. Once again, at its own dispense.
“I’m… I’m very sorry, Tsukasa-kun”, he manages in a small, husky voice. “You’re the most precious person in my life, and I…”
“I’m not going anywhere”, Tsukasa repeats calmly. His embrace grows a bit tighter as if he strives to protect Rui from any potential danger this cruel world could bring. It should be the other way round. “You know, I was being serious before you oh-so-barbarically shushed me.”
“Those two weeks took out of me more than I was ready to give. We shall just… go to bed.”
The only sounds perturbing the quietness of the room are sniffles. Tsukasa opens him mouth once more, words of reassurance on the tip of his tongue, yet decides against it. Rui can’t make out his face expression, his mind barely functioning from the overwhelming exhaustion, though something tells him that Tsukasa won’t let him off the hook easily. If he ever will.
They will have to talk eventually whether he likes it or not.
Rui allows the warmth to envelop him completely and melts into it. For now, he has a chance to listen to the peaceful breathing right next to his ear, and to share the bed with the person he loves more than he could’ve ever imagined.
For now, he tries not to think about what is going to happen once the morning arrives.