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Xie Lian let out a breath, swiftly sweeping his body deftly through positions he'd been tirelessly perfecting for years. He lifted his leg high for his kick before ending in the practised position, smiling to himself. At least from his own perspective, it had gone without a hitch. The movement felt fluid and natural. That level of ease was exactly what he had always strived for. Looking a few feet across from him, Xie Lian waited expectantly for Mu Qing to repeat the action.
Wushu brought a sense of calm and control to Xie Lian's life in a time when nothing felt certain. Going to college had been a scary, but ultimately freeing experience. It was made easier when Mu Qing and Feng Xin decided to attend the same one. Having faces he'd known since childhood nearby after moving a few hours from his parents had eased the homesickness. It was as though he'd taken a piece of home with him.
"You're stalling," Feng Xin called out, watching on from beneath a tree.
"He knows he can't do it," Hua Cheng corrected.
"Give him a chance," Xie Lian urged.
Hua Cheng was a newer addition to their group, one that Feng Xin and Mu Qing had never been particularly fond of, but Xie Lian had insisted they let him in. Xie Lian could see that none of them really clicked, and part of him knew that pushing for them to get along would go nowhere, but he liked Hua Cheng. He enjoyed Hua Cheng's company. If Hua Cheng wanted to spend time with him in the moments Feng Xin and Mu Qing were there, Xie Lian had no desire to turn him down.
Hua Cheng's frequent company did cause Xie Lian to notice more about his surroundings and wish things could be a little easier. As long as they'd known each other, Hua Cheng had been in a wheelchair. It made times like these harder. If they were to practice their martial arts on the pavement, it would be too dangerous. There was no option but to do it on the grass. Hua Cheng, however, could not get close when they did this. It meant he was even further away than Feng Xin, watching from afar, but still calling out his critiques. Xie Lian had tried to consider better options for their practice, but had always been met with the same biting remarks from his friends. Hua Cheng could walk. If he wanted to get closer, he would.
Xie Lian knew it wasn't that simple.
Mu Qing took his own steadying breath before copying the movements Xie Lian had just made. It was always satisfying to see it from a different perspective, though Xie Lian couldn't help but take mental notes of the minute errors, things that could be improved the next time. From a bystander, it would've looked impressive, flawless even, but when Mu Qing moved into the final position, he lost his balance, falling onto one knee and groaning in frustration.
"Your posture was off," Hua Cheng called out from the pavement, holding himself in a wheelie position in his chair as if it were as easy as breathing.
"How would you know?" Mu Qing bit back.
Even from so far away, Xie Lian could see the quirk in Hua Cheng's brow when he pointed out, "I watch gege do this every day."
Xie Lian's laughter was boisterous, breaking through the tension quickly building in the air. It couldn't be denied. Hua Cheng really was there every single time Xie Lian practiced his martial arts these days. At first, Xie Lian had felt self-conscious about it, but eventually he found the company helpful. If he could let go in front of Hua Cheng, then all the practice was working. Still, to base what is right and what is wrong on Xie Lian's movements felt illogical. Xie Lian made plenty of mistakes. As flattered as he was by Hua Cheng's confidence in him, he couldn't agree with the concept of himself being the ideal.
"What's so funny?" Mu Qing frowned, clearly defensive.
Xie Lian pursed his lips. He knew what he was about to say wouldn't go over well, but still felt he had to help. "He's right. You were putting too much weight on your left leg. It made you overextend and lose balance. But it's okay! Try again, you'll get it next time."
Mu Qing did try again, but if anything, it was worse than the first time. Not because he couldn't do it, but because he was frustrated. That was something Xie Lian had noticed Mu Qing had never been able to grapple; he needed to calm his mind if he wanted to be successful.
When Mu Qing's knee hit the ground again, Hua Cheng said, "Now, you're not even trying."
"Like you could do any better," Mu Qing snapped.
Hua Cheng scoffed. "I couldn't do much worse."
"If you think I'm afraid to fight a guy in a wheelchair, you're wrong," Mu Qing warned.
What followed was a series of events Xie Lian would've loved to say were rare, but seemed to occur more and more frequently as Hua Cheng spent time around his old friends. Mu Qing made a beeline for Hua Cheng, ready to make good on his threat. Feng Xin's laughter danced on the wind, the mocking nature of it fueling Mu Qing's ire. Xie Lian could only watch on helplessly as Mu Qing chased after Hua Cheng, standing no chance of catching up. Taunts and merciless jabs were thrown back and forth, with Feng Xin occasionally chiming in with his own.
At some point, the tables had turned, and Hua Cheng was chasing Mu Qing instead, only thwarted when he returned to the safety of the grass. Hua Cheng kept glancing between the soft lawn and Mu Qing, a look in his eyes that spoke of the battle happening inside him.
"What's the matter?" Mu Qing goaded. "You think you can beat me, but you can't even cross the grass?"
"Stop it," Xie Lian said sternly.
There was a murderous look in Hua Cheng's eyes, and Xie Lian knew why. This was a weakness too many people tried to exploit: Hua Cheng's limitations. A reminder that he couldn't do everything anyone else could. And it wasn't that Hua Cheng couldn't cross the grass. But the chair didn't work well on that landscape. If Hua Cheng wanted to take on the challenge, he would have to…
Xie Lian immediately stepped between the two of them when Hua Cheng got to his feet and crossed the field. "That's enough. Both of you."
"Why? Let him prove he doesn't need that stupid chair," Mu Qing sneered.
"You know that's not how it works. Don't be an asshole." Xie Lian focused his attention on Hua Cheng. "San Lang, you need to calm down."
Admittedly, Xie Lian still didn't know a lot about how it worked, either. Hua Cheng had told him it was Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. He'd mentioned Dysautonomia. The details had never been pressed too deeply. Xie Lian hadn't wanted to pry. It felt better to pretend it wasn't there; Hua Cheng seemed to prefer it that way. But Xie Lian had certainly noticed things.
He'd recognised the way Hua Cheng would sway and lose his balance when he got up too quickly, and the way that lightheadedness seemed to last much longer than the average person. He'd listened to Hua Cheng complain about the chronic pain, quickly assuring Xie Lian that he was fine, and it really wasn't that bad. He'd seen how quickly a bad temper or stress, or hell, even a little heat could set Hua Cheng back. That was precisely why Xie Lian was worried about him.
Hua Cheng hesitated when his attention was diverted to Xie Lian. The brutality in his gaze softened. "The… the goal is to maintain physical and emotional control at all times."
Xie Lian smiled. They were the words he'd repeated again and again, the reason he practiced Wushu in the first place. Hua Cheng must've heard it a hundred times by now. Still, it was nice to know that someone was paying attention. Xie Lian stepped closer, relieved when the tenseness of Hua Cheng's body seemed to relax a little.
"That's right." Xie Lian rested a hand on Hua Cheng's arm. "How about you go back to your chair?"
"Mn." Hua Cheng glanced over at Mu Qing, then turned his gaze to the grass and quietly asked, "Can you walk with me just in case?"
Hua Cheng had always hated asking for help. That was one of the first things Xie Lian had noticed about him. Hua Cheng cared so deeply for his independence. If he could do it alone, that was how he wanted it to be. Being a burden was his worst nightmare. But between moving his chair so quickly, the stress of the argument, and getting up as swiftly as he had, Xie Lian didn't doubt Hua Cheng was feeling it. The grass wasn't stable ground. It would be safer to have someone there.
"Of course." Xie Lian gestured for Hua Cheng to lead the way. "I think I'm all Wushu'd out anyway."
"You're just going to stop?" Mu Qing asked, sounding genuinely surprised by the development.
"I don't like being around you when you're like this," Xie Lian admitted. "We can try again some other time."
With Hua Cheng settled back in the wheelchair, Xie Lian sighed with relief. At least he wouldn't fall over. Behind them, Xie Lian could hear Feng Xin say to Mu Qing, "You kinda killed the vibe."
The response was snappy and filled with vitriol. "Shut the fuck up, he started it!"
✦✦✦
Things felt different by the time Xie Lian got to his final year of college. Less and less time was spent with Feng Xin and Mu Qing. He knew that at least part of the blame fell to his friendship with Hua Cheng, but it wouldn't be fair to say that was the only reason. There were plenty of times they could've spent together when Hua Cheng wasn't around. The truth was, they'd just grown apart. That was okay. Sometimes, life did that. There was a bittersweetness to it. Xie Lian was happy for them. It was good to see them spread their wings. But he did miss them all the same.
Regardless, Xie Lian didn't have time to focus on it. The schoolwork had been piling up. Previously, he'd been able to keep up with it, but Xie Lian had been struggling with it more recently. It wasn't for lack of trying. When he sat down to do the work, his mind would go hazy and drift to something else. The concentration he needed to get things done wasn't what it used to be. It was infuriating when he had always been so good with his work. Xie Lian chalked it up to the final year jitters. It was a stressful point to reach in life. At the end of the year, he would be moving on. He would be expected to know what he wanted to do next with his life, and be ready to fight for it. Truthfully, Xie Lian was completely clueless.
It was another sleepless study night. It wouldn't have been, but Xie Lian could tell he wasn't going to get any rest, and wasting the time only made him more anxious. So, Xie Lian sat at his desk, staring at the computer screen filled with words, and wishing it would all somehow blend into the sentences he needed to write his essay. It was half done, and Xie Lian didn't think it was terrible, but he hated being so close to the deadline without a finished product.
Running his fingers through his hair, Xie Lian leaned back in his seat, sighing deeply and staring up at the ceiling. It had to be after midnight, and he was exhausted, but the sleep hadn't come. He thought he'd try again in an hour. Stretching his arms and neck, Xie Lian hummed softly, quietly regretting the scrunched-up position he'd been in all evening.
Xie Lian frowned when his phone rang.
No one would call him so late. He knew that Hua Cheng was up all hours of the night quite regularly, but he never bothered Xie Lian at these times. There was the chance it was one of those scam calls. Xie Lian knew he was never very good at dealing with those. Too nice, some people would say. And even now, Xie Lian knew he should just let it ring out, rather than humouring it. But that would be rude.
So, Xie Lian picked up his phone and answered the call, rubbing a hand over his eyes, "Hello?"
"Good evening. Am I speaking to a Xie Lian?" A woman's voice calmly asked on the other end of the phone.
"Mn." Xie Lian closed his eyes, relaxing back in his seat and trying to use the call as a moment to rest his mind. "That's me."
"And your parents are Min Fang and Xie Haoran, correct?" The woman confirmed.
"Yes." Xie Lian frowned, surprised they knew so much about him. "You have the right person."
"My name is Jian Lan, I'm a triage nurse from the Xianle Hospital Emergency Department." Jian Lan explained. The moment she said she was a nurse, Xie Lian's stomach sank, and the more she spoke, the sicker he felt. "I'm calling because your parents were in an accident this evening."
Xie Lian sat up in his seat, staring ahead, taking in nothing but the call. "What happened?"
"I wasn't given all of the details." Jian Lan's voice was calm and warm. It made Xie Lian think she'd had to deliver this news dozens of times before. "It was a head-on collision at high velocity. When they got here, it was quite serious."
"Are they okay?" Xie Lian asked, trying to stop his voice from shaking.
"We're doing what we can to get them into a stable condition right now," she replied in a way Xie Lian could tell meant she wasn't comfortable with giving him a promise of a positive outcome. "I know that it's late, but if you have the means to get to the hospital, I think it would be a good idea to come and see them."
"Of course," Xie Lian murmured. He was already on his feet, picking up his keys and slipping on his shoes when he began to stammer, "I-I just— I live a couple hours away. They'll be okay, right?"
There was a pause on the other end, and Jian Lan calmly repeated her earlier sentiments. "We're doing everything we can."
"Okay." Xie Lian bit his lip and clenched his eyes shut, trying to stop any emotions from slipping out. They were alive. They would be fine. They had to be fine. His voice cracked when he assured, "Okay, I'll be there soon."
The drive was a blur. Xie Lian supposed he should've asked someone to come with him. Someone who could be the calm mind in the situation. But Xie Lian could scarcely remember the last time he'd spoken to his childhood friends, and it was so hard for Hua Cheng to get a good night's sleep. He had no one else close enough to ask such a personal favour of. So, Xie Lian drove as quickly and safely as he could. His mind raced through every worst-case scenario, only to chastise himself for even humouring the possibility. Nothing bad ever happened to his parents, he reminded himself. They were going to live forever.
The problems began from the moment he arrived at the hospital.
Upon arrival at the front doors, security turned him away, insisting that visiting hours were over. Xie Lian kept telling them that he was told to come to the hospital, that his parents were in the emergency department, and he needed to see them. To that, he was given vague directions and asked to leave. Xie Lian did his best to follow the instructions, but the building was made up of so many different structures. The labels they were using for them were completely lost on him. Raking his hands through his hair for the hundredth time, Xie Lian was beginning to give up when he watched an ambulance pull in. He watched as the flashing lights turned and drove up a ramp, stopping in the ambulance bay.
It was the only lead Xie Lian had.
Throwing caution to the wind, Xie Lian ran up the ramp, ignoring the signs telling him cars and foot traffic weren't supposed to take that route. Any other paths were unknown to him. This was the only option he had left. His body was shaking with nerves by the time he reached the top, considering what he might find when he did. Once inside, it wasn't the flurry of movement he'd been hoping for. Instead, he had to wait in line to speak to someone. It was difficult not to let the stress get to him. Every second waiting was another second wondering what on earth was going on. All Xie Lian wanted was for someone to tell him everything was okay.
It felt almost wrong when the nurse greeted him pleasantly. "How can I help you tonight, hon?"
"My um, my parents. I got a call telling me to come. Min Fang and Xie Haoran." Xie Lian clenched his fists at his sides and pursed his lips, trying to get himself to calm down. "Can I see them? Are they okay?"
The nurse was already typing on the computer in front of her. "What was your name?"
"Xie Lian," he swiftly replied. "I'm their son."
"They were getting them ready for transfer to ICU, but it looks like they haven't left emergency yet." The nurse frowned. Xie Lian hated not knowing what that look meant. She gestured to a glass door behind him and instructed, "Go wait by that door; I'll open it for you. Take a left, go straight. I'll meet you at the end of the hall, and I'll take you to see them."
"Thank you," Xie Lian replied breathlessly.
Standing by the glass door, Xie Lian stared at the red light above it, trying to stop his body from shaking. His mind no longer raced with the possibilities, but with questions of what he was going to say when he saw them. There was a guilt that couldn't be ignored. If Xie Lian hadn't moved away for college, he would've been there so much sooner. Maybe if he had been there, the accident never would've happened in the first place. He didn't know how or why, but he couldn’t shake the possibility that not being home with them caused this series of events.
When the light turned green and the door slid open, Xie Lian rushed through, following the instructions he had been given, and already feeling lost. All the hallways looked the same, and he was beyond grateful when he caught sight of the nurse he'd been talking to, quickly making his way to her and following her down one of the walkways.
"I'm sorry," Xie Lian started, wringing his fingers together nervously, and trying to keep up with the nurse's swift steps. "Can you tell me what's going on? No one's telling me anything."
"I haven't been told much myself. We have a lot of patients." The nurse sounded apologetic, hitting a button on the wall to open a set of doors. "But they aren't far, so we can find out together."
Xie Lian's heart lept into his throat at the sound of machine alarms and flatlines. It was an emergency room, he told himself. Things went wrong. Terrible, horrible things. Those sounds didn't have to be related to his parents. It could be anything. But the further they walked, the closer the sounds became. Xie Lian felt like he was going to be sick. Everything was so clinical. It all felt wrong. He was supposed to be in his apartment, trying to sleep. What was the time? Two? Three? It was like a nightmare he couldn't wake up from.
The nurse guided Xie Lian to a closed curtain, cautioning him before she opened it, "I need you to try to stay calm, okay? I know this is scary, but you need to stay back and let the doctors work."
It was clear why he was being given the warning, though Xie Lian hadn't yet accepted it. He didn't want to believe it could be as bad as it seemed, but the sounds were coming from behind that curtain. When it was pulled aside, all breath left Xie Lian's body. The ability to hold back his emotions swiftly went with it. There were people all around his father, one doing CPR, others yelling out instructions or questions on his vitals. Xie Lian couldn't keep track of it, too focused on his father's face. Quiet. Serene. One could mistake it for sleep if not for the situation they were in.
"Dad?" Xie Lian breathed. "Dad!"
Xie Lian rushed forward, but was quickly stopped by the nurse. He had to stay back. He had to let them do their jobs. If he got in the way, he could ruin everything. But everything in Xie Lian's body screamed to get close, that he needed to do something, anything to fix this.
"Sir, you have to stay back," the nurse insisted, maintaining a caring edge despite the urgency of the situation.
Tears blurred Xie Lian's vision. He took a step back, biting down on his trembling lip and wiping away his tears. His voice shook when he asked, "M-My mom, what about my mom? Is she okay?"
"She's in the next room over," The nurse quietly said.
Xie Lian's stomach sank. He opened the curtain to the next room and found his mother in an identical state. The ability to hold himself back was completely torn away at the sight of her so helpless. He rushed forward, only stopped by the nurses, but his eyes were trained on her sleeping form.
Through desperate sobs, Xie Lian begged, "Mom, wake up! You have to wake up! Please!"
✦✦✦
It didn't matter how much time passed. It still didn't feel real. Though there were times when he could bicker with his father, Xie Lian adored his parents. To think that in the span of one dreadful evening, they could be taken away, that he would never get another chance to talk to them again; Xie Lian hadn't accepted it. He wasn't sure he ever would. The guilt was almost paralysing. He'd have to live with the fact that he hadn't gotten there in time. And though he'd been told over and over that being there sooner would have changed nothing, Xie Lian couldn't fight the feeling. What if it had? What if hearing his voice might've changed something? All he had to cling to were the memories, and there simply weren't enough of them.
At first, Xie Lian had tried to throw himself into schoolwork. The expectation was that filling his mind with other things would prevent it from drifting to their deaths. He had gotten behind on his work anyway. Focusing all of his attention on it was the right thing to do regardless. But it didn't work. The fogginess in his mind was just as prevalent, perhaps even more so. Concentration had left him. Instead, he was stuck with headaches, and no matter how hard he tried, his concentration would always drift. He could barely sleep, and when he did, he was haunted by the memories of that night and all the regrets that came from losing a loved one too soon.
When nothing else worked, Xie Lian turned to the one thing that had always eased his mind: Wushu. He ignored the aching and stiffness that had slowly begun to take over. He ignored the pains and silent pleas his body made to stop and rest, and accept the reality he had been forced to live in. He tried to pretend he didn't feel exhausted, or that the weariness came on so much faster than it ever had before. It was all in his mind, Xie Lian had told himself. If he just kept trying, the martial arts would ease his troubles.
"Gege," Hua Cheng called from the edge of the grass.
Xie Lian tried to pretend he couldn't hear it. He closed his eyes and took a shaky breath, focusing on his movements and ignoring the tension in his arms. There would be no point in listening to what Hua Cheng had to say. It wasn't anything Xie Lian hadn't heard a dozen times before. It didn't help, so what was the point?
"Gege." Hua Cheng's voice was gentler, but came from directly in front of him.
Opening his eyes, Xie Lian looked at Hua Cheng, seeing the concern in his eyes. He glanced over at the wheelchair abandoned by the edge of the grass, then returned his gaze to Hua Cheng with a frown. He never liked when Hua Cheng went to such trouble for him, but worse, he knew what was going to come next.
"How long have you been out here?" Hua Cheng asked.
"I don't know," Xie Lian admitted. "Not long enough."
It was a lie, and they both knew it, but it was easier to live within that lie than to face the reality of his situation. It was true that he'd been working himself too hard. As he stood there in front of Hua Cheng, there wasn't an inch of his body that didn't ache. He felt a tightness in his chest, like it was hard to breathe. Likely because of the exertion, though Xie Lian didn't believe he'd worked that hard. There was dizziness there, too. He was doing his best to ignore it all, focusing his attention on Hua Cheng and clenching his fists at his sides.
"You have to stop," Hua Cheng pressed, sounding more desperate than Xie Lian had expected. "It's okay to grieve."
"Don't," Xie Lian warned.
"I'm sorry," Hua Cheng conceded. "I just can't stand seeing you like this. It's not like you, and I'm getting worried…"
Hua Cheng was still talking, but it soon became white noise. Xie Lian watched his mouth moving, took in the concerned expression on Hua Cheng’s face, but heard none of the words. He should've been listening. He was trying to listen. But it was like the more he strained to hear the words Hua Cheng was saying, the worse his head felt. Like it was ringing. Like it was throbbing. Xie Lian didn't know exactly how long they stood in that field with Hua Cheng explaining his worries, but at some point, everything went black.
When he opened his eyes, Xie Lian lifted his head to find himself settled in Hua Cheng's lap. He was vaguely aware of movement, soon realising they were in the wheelchair. Xie Lian wanted to tell him to stop. That he really shouldn't be doing that. It wasn't safe for them both to be on the chair; what if it tipped? What if it couldn't handle the weight? But his mind still felt like a haze, and there was still pain throughout his body. So instead, he rested his head against Hua Cheng's chest and hoped it would all finally go away.
The next time he opened his eyes, he was in the first aid room. The lights were too bright. Xie Lian flinched when he saw them. He groaned and sat up, hoping he could just apologise to the first aid officer and be on his way. Familiar strong hands pressed to his shoulders, gently pushing him back down, and despite wanting to get out of there, Xie Lian was grateful. His head was spinning when he was upright. Maybe it was better this way.
"Just relax," Hua Cheng instructed. "You collapsed."
"Nnh." Xie Lian pressed a hand to his head, applying pressure between his eyes in the hope it might alleviate some of the pain. "I'm fine. Just pushed myself too hard."
"Have you been having trouble sleeping?" The first aid officer asked.
Xie Lian looked at Hua Cheng and saw that look in his eyes, knowing that lying wouldn't work. Quietly, he admitted, "I have a lot going on right now. It makes sense that I haven't been sleeping."
"Okay." Thankfully, she spoke with little judgement. She rested a hand on his arm, and Xie Lian flinched away. He wasn't sure why exactly. Her touch was so gentle it made his skin crawl. She looked apologetic and explained her actions by asking, "Did you injure yourself when you fell? Does anything hurt?"
"Everything hurts," Xie Lian murmured. He quickly added, upon seeing the concern in Hua Cheng's eyes, "But that's not from falling; I felt like that before."
"What do you mean?" Hua Cheng moved closer. "How long have you been in pain?"
There was an unending amount of guilt that came from letting Hua Cheng down. Xie Lian had never understood why, but it seemed to hit that little bit harder when it was him. Maybe because he believed so strongly in Xie Lian when no one else did. Maybe because he'd lived a life riddled with disappointments, and Xie Lian didn't want to be one more. Xie Lian wanted to be better. If not for himself, then for Hua Cheng. But he wasn't sure he was capable.
Trying to push down the shame, Xie Lian quietly said, "I don't know. I-I first noticed it a couple days after…" Xie Lian clenched his fists, letting out a shuddering breath when his mind went back to that terrible night. "So, a couple weeks, maybe. B-But it's really not that bad! There are worse days than others. I'm fine."
"Gege." There was admonishment in Hua Cheng's tone. Something playfully incredulous masking worry. "It's not normal to be in pain for weeks at a time with no clear reason. Especially over your entire body."
"I guess…" Xie Lian conceded upon hearing it said out loud.
"There's not a lot I can do from here. We're not well equipped to help with complicated problems like this." The first aid officer shrugged. "What you're describing could be serious, though. If I were you, I'd take him to the hospital. If either of you have any more classes today, I can get you a medical slip."
"Thanks." Hua Cheng looked pointedly at Xie Lian. "Come on. I'll drive you down there."
Pursing his lips, Xie Lian tentatively said, "Should you be driving?"
It was a low blow, and he knew it. Hua Cheng hated feeling weak or incapable. Xie Lian never liked pointing out the areas Hua Cheng might have more trouble than anyone else. But Xie Lian didn't want all of this fuss. He just wanted to go back to his apartment and sleep, for the world to stop spinning for a little while and finally give him a chance to breathe.
"I can drive that distance; I'm fine. You're not getting out of this." Hua Cheng brushed his hand against Xie Lian's wrist, an action he'd done throughout their friendship. It had always been fine before. Xie Lian didn't know why it felt so uncomfortable now, why it almost hurt. Xie Lian did his best to hide his reaction, but Hua Cheng still seemed to catch on. Experimentally, Hua Cheng reached out and took Xie Lian's hand, applying more pressure when he held it. "Is that better or worse?"
"Better." Xie Lian stared at the point of connection, trying to understand why a stronger touch was less painful than tenderness.
"Okay." Hua Cheng smiled reassuringly, but Xie Lian could tell his mind was somewhere else, racing through the possibilities of what could be going on. Xie Lian hated it. Nothing was going on. He was just grieving, and exhausted, and his body was reacting to it. That was all. Hua Cheng pulled him to his feet, making sure Xie Lian was steady. "Come on. Let's get you checked out."
Nothing could compare to the hell that was the evening Xie Lian went to the ER to find his parents, but the experience he had when Hua Cheng took him there was a close second. First, he had to wait in lines, and the longer he had to stay upright, the more unstable he felt. He couldn't afford to sit down anywhere or get comfortable. They would want to talk to him, not Hua Cheng. So, Xie Lian endured it. Every now and then, he'd lean against Hua Cheng, overcome by guilt at the thought of forcing someone who had his own share of problems to carry this burden with him. Hua Cheng didn't need this. Any of it. The stress would probably cause more issues.
Once they'd spoken to the nurse, they were told to take a seat and wait. That was when the torture really began. The seats were uncomfortable. That would've been fine, really, if they hadn't had to sit in them for hours on end. There was a television propped up on the wall playing bad game shows. At first, Xie Lian tried to focus on it, hoping it might help somehow, but his mind was still foggy. Making silly mistakes on obvious questions became so frustrating, he instead stared down at his fingers in his lap, wringing them together nervously and wishing that time would move a little bit faster.
"You don't have to stay," Xie Lian said after a while. The guilt had been eating away at him the longer they sat in that crowded room, waiting for their turn. "I can do this on my own."
"You've been doing a lot on your own lately," Hua Cheng pointed out. "I don't have anywhere else to be. Besides, I've missed spending time with you."
Xie Lian scoffed at the ridiculousness of such a statement. This wasn't spending time together. Not really. Hua Cheng was taking care of him. Making sure Xie Lian didn't leave the hospital before anyone could check on him. Xie Lian was an obligation Hua Cheng had forced upon himself. Because he knew how important it was to get help when it was needed. Xie Lian just wasn't ready to accept that he had reached that point yet.
It wasn't much better after finally getting called in.
Once he was settled into his own room, a doctor came in and started asking so many questions. How bad was the pain? When was the last time he had gotten a full night's sleep? Were there any cognitive issues? How long had he noticed the symptoms, and had there been any extenuating circumstances around the time it began? Xie Lian had quietly answered every one, keeping his gaze away from Hua Cheng's the entire time. He didn't want pity. He didn't want to see the concern. Reliving the trauma he hadn't yet let himself accept was hard, but Xie Lian knew there was nowhere to hide. Hua Cheng wouldn't let him lie. Hua Cheng wouldn't let him downplay anything.
The doctor checked Xie Lian's blood pressure. It wasn't a new experience for him. He'd dealt with the cuff tightening around his arm in the past. He knew that it could be uncomfortable. Still, Xie Lian hadn't expected it to hurt. It was ridiculous to be so sensitive, so Xie Lian closed his eyes, took deep breaths, and waited for it to be over. Of course, it didn't end there. His heart rate was checked next, and Xie Lian was silently grateful that the doctor was perhaps less gentle than others might've wanted.
Xie Lian wasn't a fan of the next test. When asked to stand up, he was immediately hit with the same dizziness he felt in the field. It didn't seem right to do what had caused him problems from the beginning, but the doctor insisted he stay standing, checking Xie Lian's heart rate and blood pressure at regular intervals. By the time ten minutes had passed, Xie Lian was leaning against the edge of the bed, trying to stay upright, but feeling the lightheadedness taking over completely. His arm ached even more than usual from the continual blood pressure checks. When the doctor finally said he could sit down, Xie Lian sighed in relief.
"I'm glad you came in. There's definitely something going on. I'm going to order some blood tests just to rule things out. The good news is you won't have to stay in the hospital today," the doctor explained.
"What's wrong with me?" Xie Lian asked, suddenly afraid.
Up to that point, he'd been telling himself that everyone was overreacting. He was just a man in the middle of his grief. It made sense that he would be struggling. But it suddenly felt very real when a doctor said that something was happening. Xie Lian needed to know what was wrong. Knowing meant having a plan. Knowing meant taking control. And after spending weeks feeling so completely lost, all Xie Lian wanted was a little control.
"I can't say that with any certainty right now." The doctor smiled apologetically. "You're showing symptoms that could be attributed to a number of different things. Our next steps are going to be a lot of tests to rule them out."
"What kinds of things?" Hua Cheng asked, sounding much calmer than Xie Lian felt.
"The dizziness and the elevated heart rate would point towards some form of dysautonomia. So, I would be trying to rule out things like Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome or Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, maybe." Xie Lian and Hua Cheng's eyes met at the mention of chronic fatigue. This was what Hua Cheng had been experiencing all this time? "With the pain, we're looking at potentially something autoimmune. Maybe fibromyalgia, or a complex regional pain disorder. Maybe Ehlers-Danlos. There's a lot of things this could be. I can't give you a diagnosis without a lot more tests."
Xie Lian stared down at his hands, his fingers shaking. What was happening to his body?
✦✦✦
A few weeks in, and Xie Lian had no answers. The tests had been happening regularly. It felt like every other day he was being sent off for something else. It also felt like he had been getting worse rather than better. The pain still radiated through his body. Some days were better than others, but there were times when it felt so debilitating, he could do nothing but lie in bed, wishing the pain would stop. The vertigo came every time he stood up too quickly, something Xie Lian hadn't even realised he was doing until more recently. And the fatigue was like nothing he'd ever felt before.
Hua Cheng was helping him. It was always little things, but they meant the world. He would come over every day to help Xie Lian with light movement. Each time, they would try to get Xie Lian to walk just a little bit further, working through the fatigue and figuring out his limits, trying to extend wherever he could.
Xie Lian hated it. He hated the frailty. He hated knowing that he had no choice but to rely on Hua Cheng. Because the truth was, if he did nothing, he would get worse. If he didn't try to move every day, he might not move again. But trying to move was so hard without Hua Cheng there to keep him upright and encourage each step.
At least he wasn't alone. That was what he'd held onto. Hua Cheng had never left him. Things had become so complicated, so difficult to navigate, but Hua Cheng had remained vigilant. Xie Lian had noticed that a lot of the symptoms he was experiencing were similar to Hua Cheng's. That scared him. Hua Cheng had a wheelchair. Hua Cheng couldn't stay on his feet all day. Hua Cheng couldn't do the things Xie Lian had always enjoyed doing. Losing those things was hard. But there was also reassurance in knowing that whatever was going on was similar to the things Hua Cheng had been through. Because Hua Cheng had survived it. Hua Cheng was the strongest person Xie Lian knew. As long as he was there, surely Xie Lian could get through it, too.
It was another night without sleep. Xie Lian stared at the clock on his phone, the numbers glaring back at him. It was nearly two o'clock in the morning. Sleeping had gotten harder, not easier. It was an interesting feeling to be so tired all the time, but never able to sleep. His body melted into the mattress from exhaustion, but his mind would not settle. There were so many things to think about. The tests. The results. What they meant. What he was supposed to do next. An unending list of thoughts swirling in his mind, never settling in one place for long.
Scrolling through his phone, Xie Lian's finger hovered over Hua Cheng's number. It would be too late to call, wouldn't it? Hua Cheng would surely be asleep. But Xie Lian's mind had not calmed in so long, and the only thing that had been working recently was Hua Cheng's presence. Somehow, he made everything feel still. Maybe because he knew precisely what to say. Maybe because he'd gone through all of this before.
Tentatively, Xie Lian hit the button, and Hua Cheng's name lit up the screen as the phone rang. He switched it to speakerphone and waited, unsure whether or not he wanted Hua Cheng to answer. It would be better for Hua Cheng to take care of himself. So much time had been wasted on Xie Lian lately. Hua Cheng had his own problems. He didn't need to worry about Xie Lian, too.
As Xie Lian went to hang up and allow Hua Cheng to get the sleep he deserved, the call was answered, and a warm, familiar voice spoke on the other end. "Gege? Can't sleep?"
"Mn." Xie Lian stared down at the blankets, biting his lip. "Did I wake you?"
"No," Hua Cheng assured. "I couldn't sleep either."
"I just… felt like I wouldn't be able to sleep unless I talked to someone," Xie Lian admitted.
"Well, I'm honoured to be the someone you chose." Xie Lian could hear the amusement in Hua Cheng's voice. "What's on your mind, gege?"
Xie Lian sighed. "I got another negative today."
"Ah." There was a shuffling on the other end of the phone, telling Xie Lian that Hua Cheng was trying to make himself comfortable. "That's what's bothering you."
"I just want an answer." Xie Lian gripped the bed sheets, hiding his face in them for just a moment before explaining, "They keep making me do all these tests, and I haven't complained. Not once. But every time, the results come back negative, a-and I don't know. I don't know what's wrong with me, and they don't know what's wrong with me, and it feels like I'm never going to know; I'm just going to be like this for the rest of my life."
"It took over a year for them to diagnose me," Hua Cheng gently said. "I had so many tests. Every time I went in, I thought, this is it. This is going to be the one. They're going to get it this time. But the results would come in, and they'd tell me that they were no closer to figuring it out."
"San Lang…"
"I kept thinking, why are they even doing the tests then? If it's not telling them anything, what's the point?" Hua Cheng's voice remained quiet and contemplative, not telling Xie Lian how he was supposed to feel, just sharing his own experience with the same situation. "I almost gave up. Because that disappointment… over and over again… it weighs on you. I get it."
"But you didn't give up?" Xie Lian asked.
"I couldn't," Hua Cheng replied simply. "If you don't keep going, you'll never know. You'll always wonder. You'll always feel broken, but you won't have the tools to fix it."
"You want me to keep going." Xie Lian said, already knowing the answer.
There was a gentle laugh on the other end of the phone, a sound that always found a way to warm Xie Lian from the inside out. "You're doing so well. Really, I'm proud of you. You've been so strong through all of this."
"I don't feel strong at all," Xie Lian admitted.
"No one expects you to. But you're still doing it. Giving up is so easy. It's trying that's really hard." Hua Cheng hummed thoughtfully. "The tests were so expensive, it took me a really long time to get them all done. You've been able to smash through them a lot faster than I did. Maybe that's why the negatives feel so bad. They're coming at you so quickly. But I promise it's a good thing. It's just another step closer."
That was another thing to feel guilty about. The only reason Xie Lian could afford to get all the tests that he needed was the inheritance from his parents. It shouldn't be a good thing that they were gone. Xie Lian hated that he was benefiting from it. He'd much prefer for them to be there with him. Maybe if they were there, they'd find a way to figure this out faster. But even if they couldn't, he'd sooner still have them in his life and take the slow road than be forced to figure things out on his own.
There was a pause, and as a comforting silence fell between them, Xie Lian found the courage to quietly murmur into the darkness, "I'm scared."
"I know," Hua Cheng replied with complete sincerity and openness. "It's okay to be scared."
“Does it ever get any easier?” Xie Lian asked.
There was a pause before Hua Cheng quietly revealed a struggle he’d never expressed before. “Sometimes, my brain feels like I'm trapped in a cloud and all the things I need to remember are so far away, I can't find them. You... you make it easier. It's like... like I can't bear the thought of forgetting even a moment with you, so I concentrate extra hard. It doesn't always work. Sometimes, it makes me so tired. But the cloud isn't as thick when I'm with you. So yes. Sometimes it gets easier. But not always.”
"Am I going to be like this forever?" Xie Lian asked, a fragility taking over his voice.
"I don't know," Hua Cheng admitted. "But I can promise you that no matter what happens, you'll never be alone. I'm not going anywhere."
Xie Lian smiled, hiding his face in a pillow. He had been told many things in his life, but had never believed them so completely. Hua Cheng had been by his side since the beginning. Even before everything had gone so terribly wrong, Hua Cheng had been there. And as his life slowly crumbled around him, Hua Cheng had remained. Xie Lian had come to rely on it in a way that perhaps he shouldn't. There was always the possibility that Hua Cheng would change his mind. That something might happen that would force them apart. But instead of allowing fear to completely consume him, Xie Lian leaned into the feeling of safety that only Hua Cheng was able to provide.
"San Lang?"
"Mn?" Hua Cheng hummed, and Xie Lian hoped he was feeling the same sense of solace.
Tentatively, he asked, "Will you stay on the phone with me until I fall asleep?"
He could hear the smile in Hua Cheng’s voice. "Of course, gege."
✦✦✦
Over a month had passed, and Xie Lian felt no closer to an answer. It remained just as frustrating as ever, but Hua Cheng's words from that night stuck with him. Every negative was a step closer to finding the truth. No matter how despairing the disappointment became, he just had to remember that the truth would find him eventually. He couldn't give up before it did.
The pain never subsided. It ebbed and flowed like the tide, sometimes giving him space to breathe, and other times threatening to drown him. Xie Lian tried to ignore it. He tried to keep working on his stamina. He walked a little bit further every day and told himself that eventually, he might be able to do the things he missed, the things that had once been such a source of comfort. Xie Lian had quickly realised that the hardest part was feeling a loss of his identity. He was no longer the person he used to be, a shell of his former self.
On the days that were too difficult to bear, Xie Lian stayed in bed, telling himself the shed tears were from the pain, when the reality was that those were the moments he was forced to grieve. Not just his parents, but the life he once had.
Hua Cheng had gently suggested Xie Lian get a wheelchair of his own. At first, the idea was abhorrent. It felt like going against everything Hua Cheng had said to him. It felt like giving up. But Hua Cheng had insisted that wasn't what it was at all, that they would keep working on his stamina. The chair wasn't supposed to be a permanent fix. It wasn't supposed to be something so final. It was just an aid. Something to help him when the fatigue got to be too much. Something that would allow him to go further without fear of what it might do to his body. A way to open more doors and return some of the life that had been cruelly stolen away.
The logic in those words couldn't be denied. Though Xie Lian had never seen what Hua Cheng was like before the wheelchair, he did see how happy Hua Cheng was now. How confident he was. There were still limitations, of course, but when Xie Lian looked at Hua Cheng, he saw someone who could do anything. He saw someone who knew how to rely on the chair to get where he needed to be, but didn't allow it to hold him back. Instead, it propelled him forward, allowing him to do things he might never have been able to do again. No wonder he was suggesting it to Xie Lian.
It took time to find the right one. Xie Lian didn't want to go overboard, but he wasn't sure how much strength he would have for a manual one like Hua Cheng. It was true that he was getting better, managing to walk further every day, but there were still bad times. There were days when his arms ached so much it felt like he could hardly move them. On those days, it would be nice to still be able to leave the apartment. Choosing an electric wheelchair made sense.
"How many modes has it got?" Hua Cheng asked with all the excitement of a child on Christmas day.
"I don't know," Xie Lian laughed. "I'm still trying to figure it out."
It shouldn't have been as complicated as it felt, and Xie Lian was sure it was just a learning curve he would get used to with time. There weren't many buttons on the controls, but they didn't have labels, only symbols. Xie Lian knew he should've brought the manual with him, but wanted to figure it out himself. If he was going to be using it more regularly, it should be intuitive enough, right?
"I have it turned on," Xie Lian said, hitting the button with the plus symbol on it a couple of times. He frowned as a small screen's bar filled each time he pressed it. "But I don't know how to make it go."
"Try the joystick," Hua Cheng suggested.
Xie Lian did as Hua Cheng said, taking the joystick in hand and pressing it forward. The second he did, the chair lurched, moving much faster than Xie Lian was expecting. He let go to grab the armrests, causing the wheelchair to abruptly stop. Swiftly, Xie Lian started pressing the minus button, lowering the bar he'd filled in his attempt to get the chair moving.
"Too fast. Much too fast." Xie Lian noted.
Hua Cheng laughed. "I don't know about that. I bet I could still beat you."
Xie Lian raised an eyebrow. "What?"
"First one to the fountain wins." Hua Cheng gestured to the target. "Loser buys lunch."
"I can buy you lunch, San Lang. It's fine." Xie Lian pursed his lips over a smile.
Hua Cheng smirked. "So, you don't think you can win? Even with the advantage?"
Xie Lian moved the chair with the joystick, trying to get himself used to the motion. "I just don't want to embarrass you."
"Oh, well, now you have to race me," Hua Cheng insisted. "I must defend my honour."
"You're ridiculous." Xie Lian shook his head fondly.
"Are you ready?" Hua Cheng asked. Before Xie Lian could say anything, he quickly said, "On your marks, get set, go!"
Hua Cheng moved even faster than Xie Lian had ever seen him go before. It was so startling, he almost forgot to move himself, calling after him. His chair was set to a lower level, one that Hua Cheng could easily keep up with. Xie Lian knew it would be easy for the electric wheelchair to overtake Hua Cheng, but wasn't entirely confident in how well he'd be able to handle such speeds. Still, Xie Lian's competitive side took over. He pressed the button, increasing the speed and letting himself get used to it before hitting it one more time.
Xie Lian wasn't sure how freeing a wheelchair could possibly be until he was racing Hua Cheng. The light breeze in his hair, the laughter spilling from his lips as Hua Cheng playfully called after him when he caught up. For the first time in a long time, Xie Lian felt normal again.
Touching the side of the fountain, Xie Lian went to throw his hands into the air, but had to catch himself on the armrests. It seemed the wheelchair didn't like it when he suddenly stopped. It was something he was going to have to get used to.
"I won," Xie Lian declared. "But I'll still buy you lunch."
"No, a deal's a deal." Hua Cheng started doing wheelies in his chair. "So. How are things going with you?"
"Same as always." Xie Lian shrugged. He tried not to let himself fall back into the melancholy. Despite how bad things had been, it was the first day he'd felt like things were really, truly going to be okay. He wouldn't let the problems still hanging over him ruin a good thing. "More tests. The pain's still there, but I'm starting to get used to it now."
The worst thing was getting used to it. Xie Lian had been in pain for so long that he had forgotten what it was like not to be. The dull ache throughout his body had become the new normal. Stiffness in his limbs was a given. Stretches were harder. Wushu was a thing of the past. Maybe that was what was hardest to accept. The thing that had always eased Xie Lian's mind was no longer available to him. Finding new strategies after such a long time was proving more difficult than he expected.
"Between my parents, and now all of this, my grades have kind of tanked," Xie Lian admitted.
It was hard to juggle everything. Harder than Xie Lian had expected it to be. When his parents died, Xie Lian had wanted to do nothing, and then he'd wanted to do everything. At first, the intention was to isolate himself. Then, he felt as though burying himself in work would help him hide from the pain. But his symptoms had made it nearly impossible. Sometimes the pain was so debilitating, he couldn't get out of bed to study. Sometimes his brain fog would be so bad that he couldn't take in anything at all. He'd missed so many lectures because he couldn't get himself to walk the distance. It felt like he'd fallen so far behind with his studies that there was no coming back.
"You could try again next year," Hua Cheng suggested. "You have more than enough evidence with all the hospital visits to back up what's going on with you. They can't just flunk you when you've been going through all of this."
"Yeah, maybe. To be honest, I'm not really sure what I want to do anymore." Xie Lian offered a tight-lipped smile, hoping to change the subject when he asked, "What about you? Have you been okay?"
"Better now." Hua Cheng placed the wheels of his chair back down, gracefully landing the wheelie he'd been holding. "Things were a little rough for a while there. I was just really worried about you. But seeing you like this makes me feel a little better."
"You're making yourself sick over me?" Xie Lian frowned. "Why?"
"Because." Hua Cheng shrugged, attempting to look nonchalant when he admitted, "You're the most important person in my life. I need you to be okay."
It was by far one of the kindest sentiments Xie Lian had ever heard, one he didn't expect anyone to feel for him anymore. Feng Xin and Mu Qing were still around, but had distanced themselves over the years. Xie Lian barely spoke to them anymore. His parents were gone. They were no longer there for him to turn to in the moments when he needed comfort. Hua Cheng had only known him for a couple of years, but he'd never left Xie Lian's side. Even when things had gotten bad. In fact, he'd been there even more. He hadn't let Xie Lian push him away. It felt good to know that despite everything, someone was still there for him.
But Xie Lian hated that he'd made Hua Cheng worry so much.
Carefully, Xie Lian pushed himself up from the chair, making sure not to move too quickly, lest he give himself a head rush. He could see the concern in Hua Cheng's eyes, but was intent on reassuring him in the only way he knew how. Xie Lian took tentative steps towards Hua Cheng, offering a smile that he hoped would soothe the fears Hua Cheng harboured for him.
Standing in front of Hua Cheng's chair, Xie Lian leaned down to Hua Cheng's eye level and assured, "I'm getting better. Because of you."
Taking Xie Lian's hand, Hua Cheng squeezed it and smiled. "I can see that, and I'm so proud of you. Really. Now, please go sit down before you give me a heart attack."
Xie Lian laughed, but did as he was told, settling back in his chair. "Okay, maybe we should get some lunch."
"Good idea," Hua Cheng agreed. "I need a break; you wore me out with that race."
✦✦✦
A few months had passed, and the tests had become less frequent. It was both good and bad. Fewer tests meant fewer trips to hospitals and clinics. It meant Xie Lian didn't have to be poked and prodded. The results kept coming in. Eventually, the doctors settled on a diagnosis of POTS. It was nice to have a label, Xie Lian decided. Hua Cheng was right. Knowing what was wrong meant having the tools to combat it. But having the diagnosis didn't mean it was all over. Because it didn't explain the pain. The doctors had said that they suspected fibromyalgia, but that they couldn't confirm it just yet. Not until enough time had passed with constant pain for them to say for certain. All they could do was monitor it and wait.
Xie Lian hated the waiting.
As summer set in, the weather became more sweltering. Xie Lian's body wasn't coping with the change. It was a particularly bad evening, and Xie Lian's entire body felt as if it were on fire. It was difficult to move; every subtle shift of his body sent sparks of pain shooting up his arms and legs. So, Xie Lian had stayed reclined, only moving to the couch because Hua Cheng had insisted on coming over and taking care of him. And caring, he had.
Hua Cheng had spent the evening cooking them dinner, a meal that was far better than anything Xie Lian had eaten in such a long time. The food had been all but doused in salt, something they both needed for their disabilities, and Xie Lian thought he would hate it, but maybe he was used to his own terrible cooking. The salt added to it. It made the flavours pop. Hua Cheng had clearly had plenty of time to master cooking with salt and making it work.
But Hua Cheng hadn't stopped there. He'd cleaned Xie Lian's dishes. He'd tidied up the apartment. Xie Lian had told Hua Cheng he didn't have to, but he had insisted. They were the little things Xie Lian had been in too much pain to do himself, but it was enough to make Xie Lian's life that little bit easier. And still, Hua Cheng hadn't stopped. He'd sat down with Xie Lian on the couch. He'd slowly and meticulously massaged Xie Lian's limbs until the unbearable burning pain was eventually reduced to the low simmer he'd grown so used to.
That was how they'd ended up settled on the couch together, Xie Lian half on top of Hua Cheng and nuzzling into his chest. Falling into each other like that had just felt natural. There wasn't any conversation about it, no questioning of each other's boundaries. It was as if they both instinctively knew that the closeness was exactly what they wanted.
It was hard to believe how intuitive Hua Cheng was to Xie Lian's needs. Even lying together like that, Hua Cheng's hand on Xie Lian's arm wasn't delicate. His hold was firm, because he knew the softer touches made Xie Lian uncomfortable. Ever since the day he'd figured that out, Hua Cheng had never been gentle with him. He'd always managed to touch Xie Lian with just the right amount of pressure.
Closing his eyes, Xie Lian focused on the sound of Hua Cheng's heartbeat. It was the first time Xie Lian had been able to hear its off rhythm. It was like it naturally skipped a beat. Xie Lian knew it wasn't good for him. It was just another thing Hua Cheng had to find a way to live with. Still, Xie Lian couldn't help but find the unnatural tempo of his heart oddly charming.
The quiet that had fallen over them was not a natural one. They could fall into silence together, but this felt different. Looking up at Hua Cheng, Xie Lian gently asked, "Hey, are you okay?"
"Mn." Hua Cheng mumbled, "Just feeling a little nauseous."
Instinctively, Xie Lian reached out and pressed the back of his hand to Hua Cheng's forehead. He didn't know why he did it. Of course, Hua Cheng didn't have a temperature. It was much more obvious when he thought about it. Hua Cheng hadn't stopped all evening. He'd cooked, cleaned, and tended to Xie Lian. Doing so much without giving himself a break; he'd pushed himself too hard.
"Stay here. I'll get you some water," Xie Lian instructed.
"No, you're not doing well, either." Hua Cheng gripped Xie Lian's arm a little tighter, trying to keep him close.
Pulling Hua Cheng's hand away, Xie Lian insisted, "Please? It'll make you feel better."
There was a moment of quiet contemplation before Hua Cheng finally conceded. "Okay. Just don't push yourself."
"I won't. I'll be right back." Xie Lian didn't think. His body acted before he could catch up with himself when he leaned in and pressed their lips together.
The kiss only lasted for a moment. It wasn't some grand gesture. Rather, it was the kind of kiss he would expect from a couple who had been together for years. Something fond and familiar. Something that spoke of a bond so much deeper than friendship. They both stared blankly at each other, trying to process exactly what had just happened. Suddenly, the need for space felt overwhelming. Xie Lian got to his feet, heading for the kitchen.
Xie Lian leaned against the counter, trying to stop his head from spinning. He'd gotten up too quickly, but needed a moment to think about what he'd just done. The truth was, it made sense. They'd been getting closer and closer for a long time, but it was more than that. They took care of each other. They understood each other even without words. The truth was that this was almost an inevitability. This was always the way things were going to end, and Xie Lian felt a little silly for not realising sooner.
Hua Cheng was what made him feel normal.
Once he got the water, Xie Lian returned to Hua Cheng's side, offering him the glass. Xie Lian watched as Hua Cheng drank, taking in his features in a way he'd never allowed himself before. How foolish it was to think he would never have feelings for Hua Cheng. To think a man who had given everything he had to put Xie Lian's pieces back together wouldn't steal his heart.
Putting the glass down, Hua Cheng timidly asked, "I didn't… just make that up in my head, right?"
Xie Lian smiled shyly, taking Hua Cheng's hand and gently squeezing, "No. You didn't make it up."
"Thanks," Hua Cheng murmured. "For the water."
Once he'd helped Hua Cheng back into his lounging position, Xie Lian nestled in just as he had been before, smiling fondly at the feeling of warmth that came to him when they were so close. He didn't need much. He didn't want much, either. Romance and intimacy were not things Xie Lian had ever felt the desire to seek out, especially since his life had changed so drastically. But the kind of intimacy he felt when he was in Hua Cheng's arms like that, caring for each other in little but profound ways, meant so much more.
Shifting up, Xie Lian tilted Hua Cheng's head to kiss him one more time, and a heat bloomed inside him when he felt Hua Cheng's lips move against his own. And then he was nuzzling into Hua Cheng's chest again, feeling the affectionate but firm brush of Hua Cheng's thumb against his arm. Despite the aches still thrumming through his body, Xie Lian couldn't remember a time he'd felt so at peace.
"Gege?" Hua Cheng mumbled sleepily. "Is it okay if I stay over tonight?"
Xie Lian didn't hesitate to reply, "This is exactly where I want you to be."
✦✦✦
Xie Lian might've been embarrassed by the snort he let out if it weren't for Hua Cheng almost sending his wheelchair off the path in his bold attempt to take Xie Lian's hand. It wasn't the first time he'd done something so foolish, and it wouldn't be the last. Xie Lian stopped his own chair, waiting for Hua Cheng to realign his wheels and settle at his side again.
"You're an idiot," Xie Lian said affectionately.
"I just want to hold your hand." Hua Cheng pouted.
"We're almost there. You can't wait five more minutes?" Xie Lian teased.
Hua Cheng sighed dramatically. "Five more minutes without my gege might as well be torture."
Xie Lian laughed, but thankfully, Hua Cheng behaved the rest of the way there. They'd been planning it for a few days. It wasn't anything particularly groundbreaking, but the more comfortable Xie Lian had gotten with his wheelchair, the further he'd wanted to go. It had been such a long time since he'd been to the park, and while he knew that there were areas he couldn't reach with the chair, it was nice just to see it again. The air felt fresher. The sun felt brighter. For the first time since his parents died, Xie Lian felt like everything was going to be okay.
Eventually, they stopped by the pond, unable to get too close, but near enough that they could enjoy the antics of the ducks waddling around the grass and swimming through the water. Xie Lian's heart skipped a beat when Hua Cheng quietly said, "Congratulations."
"Is it really something to celebrate?" Xie Lian asked.
"Getting an official diagnosis is great. Knowing is half the battle," Hua Cheng assured. "I know it sucks, but fibromyalgia is something we can figure out. Together."
There was a time when Xie Lian wouldn't have believed that. Over the months, Hua Cheng had shown Xie Lian that he wasn't going to give up, that no matter what happened, he was always going to be there. At some point, Xie Lian stopped assuming he would have to figure it out on his own. At some point, he accepted that Hua Cheng would always be there.
"I don't think I could've gotten this far without you," Xie Lian admitted.
"You would've. But you don't have to worry about that." Hua Cheng moved his chair as close to Xie Lian's as he could get. He leaned over to press a kiss to Xie Lian's cheek and rested his head on his shoulder. When Xie Lian opened a bag of oats, Hua Cheng laughed gently in his ear. "I can't believe you really brought oats."
Xie Lian insisted, "Bread isn't good for them!"
"Mn. Whatever you say." Hua Cheng took Xie Lian's hand with a gentle hum of approval, seemingly satisfied to finally have what he wanted.
Tossing some of the oats to the ducks, Xie Lian smiled as he watched them all flock over for the impromptu meal. Xie Lian couldn't quite believe how easy things felt. Hua Cheng was right. Having a diagnosis, knowing what was wrong, meant that he could breathe for the first time in months. He could plan. He could prepare. And though it was still early, he was learning the limitations of his body. He was extending those limitations over time, too. It wasn't much, and it wasn't the life he had lost all those months ago, but it was something new, and something he cherished all the same.
"Your parents would be proud of you, you know?" Hua Cheng murmured, and Xie Lian tried to hold back the emotions such a statement threatened to summon. "I'm sorry I never got a chance to meet them."
"Oh, they would've loved you." Xie Lian laughed, biting his lip. "Especially my mom."
Sometimes Xie Lian thought about what it would've been like if things were different. If he and Hua Cheng had found their way to each other before his parents died, would Xie Lian have been able to introduce them? Would they have gotten along? Xie Lian liked to believe so. Xie Lian liked to believe that Hua Cheng would've won them over in an instant. His mother would've doted on Hua Cheng. His father would've been more reserved, but quietly given his own approval. Because Hua Cheng was good to him, and everyone could see it.
But that wasn't his life anymore, and Xie Lian knew that he had to learn to move on. It didn't mean that he would never think of his family again, but he was finding ways to think of them without it hurting so much. He was trying to learn to remember them fondly without the what ifs holding him back. Life had to keep moving, even if they weren't there to share it with him anymore.
Quietly, Xie Lian said, "Wushu is too much for me right now, but the doctors suggested Tai Chi. It might be fun to try something new."
"Maybe we could do it together," Hua Cheng suggested.
Xie Lian smiled, resting his head against Hua Cheng's. "I'd like that."