Work Text:
It was, without question, the worst morning of Doppo Kunikida's week.
Possibly his year.
He hadn't even finished his coffee before the call came in.
"Dazai, stop touching that."
Kunikida sighed out,
"I'm not touching it."
"You are actively touching it."
"I am merely observing it... with my hands."
Kunikida pinched the bridge of his nose.
"You are impossible."
"And yet," Osamu Dazai replied brightly, "you keep choosing to work with me."
"I don't choose. The President assigns partners."
Anyway, the mission sounded simple. Investigate an abandoned warehouse, retrieve a stolen artifact, avoid triggering any traps.
The first two steps went reasonably well. The third one however...
Not so much.
The instant Dazai lifted the small brass box from its pedestal, it made a click sound.
"...Oops."
Kunikida slowly turned.
"What."
"I may have activated something."
"What did you activate?"
"I don't know."
"You touched the obviously suspicious object."
"It looked lonely."
A burst of blue light engulfed the room.
There was another click sound, Dazai blinked.
"Huh."
Kunikida looked down.
Then stared.
A steel handcuff circled his left wrist.
The other cuff was securely fastened around Dazai's right.
Dazai lifted their joined hands.
"Oh."
"...No."
Kunikida's voice was frighteningly calm.
"No."
"I'd love to have a pretty girl on the other side of these- like the waitress from the café!"
"No."
"But at least we match now."
"No."
"I've always wanted matching accessories."
Kunikida inhaled so sharply it sounded painful.
"Dazai."
"Yes?"
"If you say one more word..."
"...About matching bracelets?"
"I'M GOING TO THROW YOU INTO THE RIVER."
Dazai huffed
"You always suck the fun out of everything. You have a problem when I do it myself but then you threaten to toss me into the river"
Approximately ten minutes later. Dazai wandered toward the waterfront. Kunikida tried walking back toward the Agency.
The handcuffs violently reminded them that they could not go in opposite directions.
But back at the Agency, silence greeted them.
Atsushi blinks
"...Why are you handcuffed?"
Before Kunikida could answer, Dazai spoke up
"They finally legalized office marriages."
"I don't know about that."
"It's our honeymoon."
"IT IS NOT."
"Congratulations!"
Kenji had said, looking between the two with that bright smile on his face.
Ranpo took one look at them and started laughing. He didn't stop either, he actually had to lean against his desk.
"I can't believe..."
he wheezed,
"you two actually managed this."
"We didn't manage anything."
Kunikida says bluntly, the annoyance clear through his tone
"You look miserable."
"I am!"
Ranpo grinned.
"I've never seen Kunikida's eye twitch this much."
The problem wasn't simply being attached.
It was Dazai.
Because Dazai never stood still. He wandered to annoy Kunikida. He wandered while talking, also to annoy him. He wandered while eating for some reason. Halfway through a conversation he'd suddenly drift toward a window because he saw an interesting bird.
Each time,
"Kunikida, come look!"
"I'm WORKING."
"You are now."
"I am not."
"You've already stood up."
"I DIDN'T CHOOSE TO."
Lunch was worse.
Dazai wanted curry.
Kunikida wanted tataki bonito.
Dazai insisted curry was spiritually healing.
Kunikida insisted punctual eating mattered more than spiritual healing. They had made a compromise and ended up eating soba, neither of them was particularly happy.
At one point, Kunikida was filling out paperwork when Dazai quietly slid underneath his desk.
"Dazai."
"Hm?"
"...Why."
"I found a coin"
"Under my desk?"
"Yes."
Kunikida stood silent, waiting for the patience to deal with Dazai
"I think it's lucky."
Kunikida closed his notebook. Very slowly.
"I need you to be serious for one minute."
"I can do thirty seconds....Twenty."
By evening, Kunikida had developed an unconscious habit. Whenever Dazai wandered away, he automatically followed. Not because he wanted to.
God knows he didn't want to. But every time, he'd get yanked if he didn't just go with Dazai
Dazai slowed slightly.
The President of the Agency, Fukuzawa, examined the cuffs.
"Hm."
"Can you remove them?" Kunikida asked.
"No."
Dazai stood silent
"They're ability-generated."
Kunikida sighed
"Hopefully theres a way to get rid of it, picking that lock wouldn't work, they'll likely wear off eventually"
"Like with true loves kiss?"
Dazai suggested with that cheery tone that annoys Kunikida more than anything
Kunikida looked toward the ceiling.
Silently reconsidering every life decision he'd ever made. The next morning, something felt odd.
Kunikida reached for his notebook. Dazai automatically shifted so the chain wouldn't snag. Dazai bent to tie his shoe. Kunikida stepped closer without thinking. Neither of them tripped anymore. Neither got dragged across the floor anymore.
Atsushi watched this unfold.
"...You've gotten really good at this."
Kunikida froze, and Dazai blinked. They looked at each other.
"...Don't say it," Kunikida warned.
Dazai smiled.
"We make a great team!"
"Shut the hell up, Dazai"