Work Text:
The warm water slowly seeps into his skin the moment Rin steps out of his shower. His body aches each time he comes back home from intense training and he’s addicted to it. The feeling of dull, aching pain accompanied by the tenderness sensation after each touch – it’s all a proof of his hard work. He has been working on his puppeteer style, and will never admit it out loud, but emulating Sae’s playstyle has helped him a lot with maintaining his position as Japan's best striker. Some will say it’s a coping mechanism he uses to fill the void his brother had left, becoming Sae himself and adopting his high-IQ, desperately trying to recreate their field technique the two used to play – he denies it. Rin will never admit that he's a “cheap copy” of his brother. Rin wraps himself with a towel that reaches from his waist down to his thighs. Usually, Rin would have bathed himself with a cold shower, but lately, he finds himself enjoying the feeling of warmth all over his skin these last few months. There’s not much explanation as to why he switched his routine. Maybe he likes the burning sensation when the water hits his rough skin, or maybe it’s because he finds comfort in the temperature shock in the bathroom. Whatever it is, it helps Rin from seeing himself in the mirror.
Rin lets out a sigh when he stands in front of his sink to put away his face wash, avoiding his gaze from the foggy mirror. How long has it been since he last saw himself? Rin doesn’t really remember… All he knows is Rin hates seeing his own reflection. The way he frowns, dresses himself, and even his eyes; he will always see the guy he resents the most stare back at him. Rin wants to be better. That’s no doubt. He has never been the one who is afraid to change, yet, at the same time, his greatest fear holds himself back from blooming… no, what is he thinking? Rin has never backed down from enhancing his own development.
Facing my biggest fear is the only way to foster my personal growth, right?
And so, Rin tilts his head forward and wipes away the steam that blankets his bathroom mirror with the side of his fist. The first thing he sees is his slim yet muscular build. As an athlete, his physical build is his top priority in becoming the best striker in the world – Rin is fully aware that his body is highly athletic, and he’s absolutely proud of it. Four years of practicing soccer and training his body to achieve his dream build; it definitely feels rewarding, but he knows it isn’t enough to defeat Itoshi Sae. He will need extra training to really become the world's best striker. Though, for now, he is only Japan’s best striker. A sudden thought interrupts his mind; If only his brother sees the effort he has put in to get scouted like him…
No, what am I thinking?
Rin shakes his head, pulling his hand away to run his damp hair back from his face between his callous fingers. To be the best, he needs to abandon the dream he and Sae had built. A familiar question engulfs his thoughts again for a second: How did Sae throw away their promise so easily? Another sigh escapes his lips, a heavy one this time. Every time Rin thinks about it, it messes up his thoughts and self-doubt, which is the complete opposite of what he is trying to do right now – to put an end to this doubt and fear that’s destroying himself.
His hand comes back again to wipe his mirror, and this time, Rin sees his lower face. One of the things Rin noticed the day Sae came back from Spain was that his brother had lost weight – his face fat was the most noticeable. Rin gazes at his own stubborn baby cheeks that will not go away no matter how hard he tries to lose them. For this reason, he fully blames his genetics that has been given – No, inflicted upon him and he means it in the most negative way possible. He has the worst genetics compared to his half-baked brother… There is no way to deny that.
He remembers that he and Sae used to have “baby cheeks” or whatever Sae used to call it. In the past, his brother would always find a chance to poke his cheeks whenever he could. Sae would tell Rin to look in the opposite direction, and when Rin did, his brother would jab lightly on his chubby cheeks. When Rin catches on Sae’s playful attempt, he would chase him down and try to get back his revenge. Looking back at it, it was a stupid and ridiculous joke to do, but deep down, if Rin truthfully admits it, he does miss those small teases Sae used to pester him back then. Rin lets out a shaky breath and clears his throat. Focusing back at his reflection, His lips are next; the first time Rin truly acknowledges how similar Sae looks to him was the time when he sulks. Those damn lips when he frowns or scowls… It’s all too familiar to him, and it offends him.
It was approximately ten months ago, after that snowy night, that Rin discovered his biggest fear: His own reflection. It was just like any other day for him, except that Rin lives carrying the strong animosity he felt towards his brother. Every day, that same heavy feeling clouds his judgement and mind, slowly overpowering his own thoughts and identity. Each time Rin won another intense soccer match between his elite youth club team and hard-heartedly crushed every single Japanese youth circuit he played against, he spent obsessively training alone to perfect his puppeteer style purely to destroy his brother. Of course they won each match – after all, he was the one carrying the team.
One day, his team had planned to meet up that night to celebrate by eating out at a local hotpot restaurant, and usually in this situation, Rin would have passed the offer, but because they had kept their winning streak for almost eight months, (and his coach practically threatened to bench him if he didn’t come – which to him, felt stupid) Rin finally obliged. He didn’t really remember the exact thing that happened, but all he could recall was that it's raining by the time he walked back home. The cold heavy rain immediately drenched his sweater and his shoes were soaked from the rain puddle. Rin mentally remembers the moment he looked down at his shoes, he saw Sae’s reflection stared back at him and at that time, fight-or-flight responses weren’t his choice. Rin’s whole body promptly went rigid – He chose to freeze.
Sae’s cold reflection stared back at him, and Rin straightaway caught on that the expression Sae wore was the same he had made when he entirely abandoned his little brother and their shared dream that snowy night. And when Rin finally registered that Sae’s reflection was taunting him, did he stomped on the rain puddle, vehemently discarding his half-baked brother. His brother was his everything. From his identity to his life goals and his self-worth, it was all tied back to him. To Itoshi Rin, Sae is the centre of his universe.
Ultimately, no matter how many frames of them Rin destroyed or how many pictures in his phone he deleted, he knew that deep down in his disdainful heart, there was hope – hanging loose by a single thread. Like a match being lit on a field, daring to be blown out by a gust of wind. It made Rin feel utterly stupid, and he gave up stomping on Sae's reflection. His throat felt a sudden tightness. “You look stupid,” Rin’s voice came out shaky, uncontrollably quivering the moment he spoke. He didn’t know who he was mocking at anymore.
“Pathetic…”
Rin whispers to himself in real time, and sees the steam on his mirror already disappeared. That same old pitiable look he wore the day Sae declared an end to their shared promise… it’s disgusting. Rin looks absolutely disgusting. It was no wonder Sae had abandoned him like a wounded puppy. He’s repulsive, and it genuinely makes Rin want to throw up. Those same eyes he has are the same identical eyes Sae had given him that snowy night. So bright… so disdainful…
“Such an eyesore…” Rin clenches his jaw and moves his hand down to grip the end of the sink firmly, making his knuckles turn white. “Sae, what the hell was going through your genius head the moment you ended our dream?” Rin’s own reflection stares back at himself, and it only fuels his hatred more. He doesn’t need to see his own pathetic face staring back at him. What he needs is an answer – a clear answer from his brother who abandoned him ten months ago. “Did this stupid face fail to move your heart by an inch? When you heard my trembling voice called your name, why didn’t you stop and turn around? Was I really just a practice partner? a stepping stone? – a pain-in-the-ass little brother?!”
“God damn it!” His own fist strikes the mirror with full force, shattering it without thinking. Blood from the gash cut seeps out of his injured knuckles, but Rin isn’t bothered by it.
“Talk about a stupid brother with a fucking heart made of stone!” His voice is loud and raw. Rin observes himself in the broken mirror, and locks his jaw to stop himself from letting out a forlorn sob that is begging to escape from his lips. He takes a moment to close his eyes and collect himself. Then, when Rin opens them again, he meets with Sae looking back at him – that same expression he gave him that rainy night. Rin’s eyes widened at the sight and his heart drops, making his breath hitches.
“...what are you staring at?” Rin asks Sae, his weak voice fails to mask his fear, but Sae doesn’t respond, and instead, sulks. “The fuck? Don’t give me that look!” Rin protests, seeing Sae’s reflection almost unrecognisable from the shattered mirror makes him seethes in anger. “What’s this uncanny metaphor shit? Acting like you’re some kind of wounded manga character having an identity crisis… this is so mundane,” He scoffs, turning his head away for a second before looking back at Sae. “You've done enough damage already, Sae. Just leave me alone already.” And just as Rin is about to turn away, Sae’s reflection finally speaks. “And you’ve never really answered my question, Rin.”
That makes Rin blink from having himself caught off guard. Rin is about to argue back, but Sae immediately beats him to it.
“I asked you a simple question and you gave me a tepid answer… that wasn't the answer I was hoping for.” Sae’s eyes narrow to Rin, and Rin stiffens at his glare.
“So I'll ask you again–”
Sae,
“Rin,”
Drop it already…
“...in the four years I’ve been gone…”
What more do you want?
“...what have you been doing in Japan?”
Rin inhales sharply, actively holding back his sob which threatens to escape his lips by just another breath. “I told you I've been working hard to get scouted just like you…” his voice momentarily cracks under pressure. “I fought for my team, I tried to replace your spot, I had a clear path–!”
Sae lets out an exasperation sigh at that. “Oh, shut it.” He pauses, looking at Rin up and down before speaking again. “You look like shit for someone claiming himself as my little brother.”
Rin’s vision blurs. “...what?”
“You’re defective. Mediocre trash. A lukewarm who will never be enough in the real world.” Sae doesn’t hesitate at all. Each word is repeated by him like that same snowy night, it feels like a stab on the wound, twisting it with each sentence. “You’re worthless, Rin. Stop treating me like I'm someone special to you when we both know it’s one-sided.”
Rin fails to hold back as his tears finally leaked out, letting his emotions get the best of him.
Why are you reminding all of this again, Sae?
“I really meant it when I said I didn't need you in my life anymore, Rin.” Sae just stares down when Rin staggers back, covering his face with his bloody hands, and sliding down when his back hits the wall.
“I knew that,” Rin’s trembling breath staggers as he chokes on his tears on the floor, hugging his knees to his chest – God, he looks pathetic. “Of course I knew that already, Sae.” His words come out almost incoherently. “I'm not dumb. I can think for myself.” He swallows another sob that threatens to escape his lips. “But is it wrong to hope…? I–” Rin chokes up, shutting his eyes tightly, and tucks in his face over his knees. “...I just wanted to be by your side again. I'm the best in Japan, but – but it’s still not enough for you?”
Rin tilts his head up to look at Sae’s reflection which is staring down at him. “It’s the fact that I didn't break my promise to become number one in Japan, but you came back to me after four years just to tell me you broke your promise of becoming the world-class striker.” Rin fully breaks down at this point, his sobs getting louder each minute.
Rin still doesn’t fully understand why Sae wants to become the world’s best midfielder instead or what he meant by ‘something that someone who is ignorant of the world’ means, but all Rin understood is that Sae had broken their shared dream.
It was never about soccer in the first place, right?
“You’ve got everything you wanted, Sae.” Rin wipes his tears with the back of his hand, biting down a hiss when he painfully remembers the sharp gash on his bloody knuckles. “You have always been one step ahead of me no matter how hard I trained to chase after you…” He slowly stands up, his movements tottering and faltering as he tries to balance himself and avoid facing Sae’s reflection. “No matter how much I put in the effort, I will always be… here.” He pauses, searching for the right words to say. “Im stuck here from the world’s view, watching you thrive to become the best in headlines’ overseas and on the big field…” Rin couldn't cry his eyes out again. It’s not that he physically can’t – Rin’s stubbornly refusing to show his weakness to his brother, but the moment he dares to look back in the mirror, Rin only sees himself staring back at his dishevelled state. He holds his breath for a second to collect himself from breaking down again.
“You might think it’s only a small matter, but you're the only reason I played soccer – the result of who I am today.” Rin bit the bottom of his lip. He pauses to swallow down his fear, preparing himself to say the words he never got to say.
Admitting that our past has never been a lie has always been my greatest fear, right?
“To me, ending soccer feels like trying to forget the memories we’ve made… I don’t want that.”
But you’ve never answered my question too, Sae…
“...so why does it have to end like this?”
The bathroom falls into a deep silence for a while. No one answers or reassures Rin. He inspects his injury. The blood is still wet and has trailed down his arm earlier. He fists his injured knuckles and lets out a hiss – finally taking in the pain that shoots from his wound. Rin rinses it under warm water before sterilising it with gauze that he took inside his medicine cabinet. Getting hurt over thinking of his brother is pathetic and he mentally reminds himself to never tell anyone about this incident.