Chapter Text
To say Obi-Wan was concerned would be an understatement. The bond between him and Anakin had always been... tenuous. Somehow, it felt like they were always out of sync, but unable to let go. By the time Anakin reached adulthood, his resentment of Obi-Wan had become almost unbearable. And yet, even then, Anakin was more important to him than anyone else in the galaxy. But fuck, he could not show it. He constantly fought the urge; a reassurance caught on his tongue or a lingering hand pulled away before it could land. He wanted to be the perfect example for Anakin. He could not falter. He could not indulge the boy's emotional attachment the way Anakin obviously wanted. Indulging him would only lead Anakin further down the wrong path; the part of the Jedi code his poor boy could never seem to master.
But after Geonosis, something changed. The torrential, furious, open-hearted padawan Obi-Wan had grown to adore was gone, or at least, out of his sight. Other Jedi praised Obi-Wan for finally taming his brat of an apprentice. They said Anakin had finally matured, that he was growing into the Jedi knight everyone wanted him to be. But Obi-Wan felt differently.
Anakin was distant. When he wasn't on the battlefield, he could no longer be found in workshops or salles. With prodding, Anakin would never give an honest answer to his whereabouts. "I was out, Obi-Wan. If it's important, just comm me." Always curt. Nothing like what he had grown to expect: outbursts, stubbornness, or some shocking misdemeanor. It was as if Anakin had lost interest in Obi-Wan, or given up completely. He wondered if his failure to protect Anakin on Geonosis had scarred him irreparably. He tried not to think about it.
Obi-Wan knew discussion of this would ring hollow if he brought it to the council. He remembered how dismissive Yoda had been about his concerns that Anakin was not ready for a solo mission. Something was happening under his nose, but it was out of his control. There was nothing he could do to find out what it was, or how to stop it.
So when Anakin was knighted, Obi-Wan swallowed his dread. He wasn't surprised that Anakin did not offer his padawan braid, but that did not change how deeply it had hurt. He tried not to think about it.
As knights, their relationship finally changed for the better, but was still so strained. There was something unspoken that neutered every conversation before it even began. They joked together, planned together, and fought together with singing harmony. But the raw, open, and honest version of their relationship that had strangled them for so many years had withered into something stale and wrong.
So many nights spent on these ships, locked in separate rooms. Obi-Wan started to wish for the days when they lived together and Anakin felt like a constant headache. 'It's strange' he thought, 'The way you miss the knife that stabbed you, because it's the only thing that fills the hole. Even though it hurt, at least you were full. Complete.'
He didn't know what Anakin did anymore, out on coruscant, or holed up in his brig. Anakin didn't want him to know. He seemed to have become something more like a coworker than a mentor. From what he could tell, Palpatine had not received the same treatment. He tried not to think about it.
When the council had asked him to keep a closer eye on Anakin because of their distrust of the chancellor, Obi-Wan was morally offended, but privately thrilled. He had been given an excuse to indulge the worst impulse he had been fighting for three years by now: to spy on Anakin. What the council was asking him to do was heinous; a betrayal of trust. An insult to both Obi-Wan's faith in their judgement and for Anakin's privacy. Obi-Wan hoped, on some level, that he was asked specifically because they knew he would preserve Anakin's privacy and only report on what was relevant to the safety of the Republic. As his Jedi master, they assumed he already knew Anakin privately and personally, and Obi-Wan would act with discretion. Obi-Wan did not.
Discovering the relationship between Padme and Anakin was as unsurprising as it was heartbreaking. Obi-Wan had willfully ignored this possibility since Geonosis. Acknowledging that Anakin had been taken from him in this way, that Anakin had stopped fighting because he found what he needed in someone else, ripped him into pieces. He tried not to think about it. The worst part, and also bitterly, privately, the best part, was that Anakin did not even look happy through the Senator's window. He looked just as restrained as he often did around Obi-Wan when the idle conversation ran dry. Always looking down, making himself small, and lacking the bitter edge that had defined his teenage years. To someone who did not know him as intimately as Obi-Wan did, he looked calm. But to Obi-Wan, it looked as if he might not even be there in his own body.
Anakin's meetings with the chancellor were a different story. Anakin walked with his chin up, eyes wide, and seemed to let the smallest hint of relief into his posture. If Obi-Wan had been jealous before, he was beginning to feel outright possessive. Seeing them made his insides light with a searing, sour bitterness he did not know he was capable of. The chancellor looked sickening. He could not pinpoint why the chancellor disgusted him so thoroughly, but their relationship had always bothered him. Maybe it was his general hatred for politicians — how bitterly ironic that Anakin flocked to them. But seeing that they appeared to be the only moments in Anakin's small personal life that looked anything like the boy he knew was so painful to Obi-Wan that it started to choke.
Obi-Wan could not think of a single justification for going through Anakin's things. Where there would have been apprehension, Obi-Wan felt a dark hole. He wanted to fix this, he needed Anakin back in his life the way he had once been. He needed. He never needed. But he needed.
It had been offensively easy for Obi-Wan to get official approval to go through Anakin's quarters while he was away. He hadn't even needed to explain himself, it was simply an extension of his assignment. And Obi-wan could be trusted. Because he was an exemplary Jedi.
But to Obi-Wan's chagrin, he could find nothing of interest in the small apartment. Besides the strewn droid and ship parts, there was nothing out of the ordinary. All the electronics were locked down or encrypted well beyond Obi-Wan's cracking capability.
He rifled through Anakin's bedside table, of course. While not particularly revealing, the items obviously meant for use with a partner forced Obi-Wan to swallow a very large and uncomfortable stone. He tried not to think about Padme. He tried very, very hard, not to think. He tried not to wish he had Quinlan's gift of psychometry; to see the history of an item. He slammed the drawer shut.
He was missing something. He knew he was missing something. When Anakin had been young, Obi-Wan often turned a blind eye when Anakin snuck out, and he had not rifled through the shoebox Anakin left in the back of his closet. He felt then, that he was doing the right thing. He didn't *want* to be Anakin's parent. Now, that he was standing in this room, racking his brain for where to look, he regretted ever letting Anakin keep any secrets at all.
Obi-Wan sat cross-legged on the floor and centered himself. The force had always so easily guided master Qui-Gon and his padawan, like an extra sense. For Obi-Wan, the force was something he wielded with great effort. Around either of them, he sometimes felt like a blind lamb being led through thick fog. But what he lacked in aptitude, he made up for in discipline.
Sitting on this floor, alone, he knew what he wanted was selfish. But fuck, he would pray anyway. The force did not answer prayers, particularly selfish ones. But just once, he wanted to feel what Anakin felt. He wanted the force to draw him to the answer, to open his eyes and know exactly what to do. Anakin was suffering, and while in his heart, he knew he had no right to any of this, he hoped the force would use him as a conduit to save her son.
Miraculously, it happened. As you might reflexively catch a falling spoon, Obi-Wan's eyes opened and snapped to the corner of Anakin's dresser. The dresser Obi-Wan had already searched twice by this point. But his vision had been specifically drawn to the metal rivets on the back left corner. It was completely unremarkable, the same as all the other rivets that fixed the dresser top to its body. But somehow, Obi-Wan knew this was the answer.
He stood and walked to the dresser. Looking at the small metal fixture, he pressed it, tapped it, tried to twist it or pry it off, and nothing happened. He did not want to do anything destructive, as that would reveal his snooping to Anakin. Now, he actually had to think.
He tried to picture himself as Anakin, walking into this room and interacting with this rivet. And as he reached his hand out again to touch it, he realized what he was missing. Or more precisely, what he wasn't missing: his right hand. Anakin had a long, black, metal hand with electrostatic fingertips. Anakin's sense of touch worked by translating disturbances in the electric field generated by his fingertips. His fingers were charged. Suddenly, Obi-Wan was wishing he'd memorized every mechatronic tangent Anakin had babbled on about in his presence. But now, Obi-Wan had all the pieces.
Anakin always had a very particular fascination with electronic relays. He liked how simple and mechanical they were. Obi-Wan vaguely remembered that relay switch flipped when it received power. A young, bright-eyed Anakin had prattled on about the 'electromagnetic field created when you power a solenoid' in his memory, as did the 'thunk' of Anakin's relays activating when he was working on a project. If Obi-Wan could replicate the charge produced by Anakin's mechno hand close to this rivet, he suspected he would hear it again.
Digging around Anakin's apartment, Obi-Wan found what he was looking for: a copper wire spool wrapped around a metal core and one of Anakin's many variable power supplies. Hooking the leads of the solenoid up to the power supply, he slowly started to apply a current. Almost instantly, Obi-Wan heard the 'thunk' he had been praying for, and the dresser started to lift from the floor.
Obi-Wan was not quite sure what to make of his findings at first. It appeared to be shelving full of... children's things? There were neatly folded stacks of colorful clothing unlike anything he'd seen in the Jedi order — and wholly unlike Anakin's dark, brooding wardrobe. He pinched the fabric of a t-shirt between the pads of his fingers to feel the softness, then gently picked it up. Holding it in front of himself, Obi-Wan thought it was much too large for any child, but that it wouldn't really fit Anakin, either. Folding it and replacing the shirt, Obi-Wan took notice of the other items.
There were several open boxes full of toys. Droid figurines, dolls, building blocks, simple puzzles... Jedi were not given such a wide variety of toys in the creche, but Obi-Wan knew this was the kind of collection common to many well-off children across the galaxy. Peaking out from one of the boxes, Obi-Wan saw something familiar; a stuffed merqaal.
In Anakin's late teens, Obi-Wan had happened upon it by accident. He'd returned to their ship on a mission to find a hydrospanner, and after a fruitless search, had assumed Anakin squirreled it away somewhere in his quarters. Instead, he'd found the same stuffed animal under the mattress. At the time, Obi-Wan weighed a lecture on possessions against the scared boy he'd found sleeping next to his bed all those years ago, and put it back where he'd found it. It became a simple memory, another quirk of his eccentric padawan. He wasn't desperately searching for a connection to Anakin then, like he was now.
Obi-Wan was struggling to put two and two together. Despite the reputation of his social skills, his proximity to the situation was making this difficult to solve. Why would Anakin have stuff for kids secreted away? It made no sense for him to hide this if it was for the younglings, and for all his spying on Anakin and Padme, he had never seen anything indicating they had a secret love child. The idea of that actually brought him close to vomiting; he released the thought.
He looked at more of the shelf. There was an intimidating assortment of medical supplies. Gauze, disinfectant, bandaging, a suture kit, scalpels, and a bin for used blades. Somehow, puzzling that out seemed even less likely. These were reasonable enough things to have in your refresher; why hide it?
Looking back at the more childlike stuff, he saw various bottles, stuffed animals... it was quite an extensive collection. His eye was drawn to a few small round cases sitting on the shelf. Each one featured a different planet suspended in space. Holding one in his hand, he opened the case and found a pacifier. A very large pacifier.
This was Anakin's. This was all Anakin's. Suddenly, it all made sense. This was Anakin's collection of adult children's supplies. Baby supplies. Obi-Wan had never felt so frozen. He tried, desperately, not to imagine what Anakin actually looked like using any of this. But the realization hit him like a speeder. He quickly turned away from the shelf. He was flushed, and nauseous.
Obi-Wan was vaguely aware that of this kind of thing as a fetish. Was this a fetish? He didn't actually see anything... sexual amongst the collection. But it was hard to imagine an adult doing this for any other reason. He really, really did not know what to make of this.
With a gentle push to the top of the dresser, it started to descend and Obi-Wan fled his former Padawan's chambers, unintentionally taking the pacifier as a souvenir.
Obi-Wan had no choice but to wait for Anakin's return. He had no idea what to do with this information. He was mentally stuck in a cycle of remembering what he saw, trying not to think about it, remembering he needed to think about it to plan his next move, feeling guilty for this whole charade in the first place, then getting so stressed he actually did have to stop thinking about it.
It was obvious Anakin would be infuriated by any admission from Obi-Wan to snooping in his apartment. As Anakin had grown in size, so too had Obi-Wan's fear of his outbursts. It had never been cute, really, but at some point, his tantrums had gone from annoying to terrifying. His handle on the force had improved, at least. When Anakin had been around ten, sometimes his use of the force would slip into his tantrums, and that was terrifying in its own way. There was a time when Obi-Wan thought Anakin would grow out of this horrible habit, but he gave that up years ago. Anakin at least seemed to have learned to hide them better, but when Anakin was very upset, it was like he couldn't help it — and Obi-Wan just had to endure.
But Obi-Wan needed this to go well. He couldn't just get through another rampage, he needed Anakin to actually bend. This was hard. Anakin's privacy had been so thoroughly violated by Obi-Wan and the order, that anything close to the truth would ruin his whole plan. But he didn't want lie to Anakin... he used to feel like they never kept secrets from each other. Obi-Wan wanted that back more than anything.
Obi-Wan rolled the lifted pacifier case in his hand. He hadn't been able to bring himself to open it again after the first time. This was another issue... Anakin would undoubtedly notice it was gone. Obi-Wan remembered how carefully he had replaced the stuffed toy he'd found all those years ago. Anakin had a habit of creating a horrible mess of his belongings, but noticing immediately if one singular item was moved. It's a mess to you, he heard Anakin say in his mind. I know where everything is. Stop messing with my stuff.
For all his insistence, Anakin was still prone to misplacing things. His stubbornness had always been endearing...
When was the last time Anakin had been on their ship?
The gears were turning. Obi-Wan started to construct a plausible lie in his own head. I found this, Anakin. You are lucky I had taken it upon myself to clean your quarters. Care to explain?
He'd have to get Anakin to actually fess up that it was his, of course. But he could manage. It was his best skill, after all
"This cannot be anyone else's, Anakin. Do you take me for a fool? It's massive. You are massive. About 5x the size of any baby I've ever seen who needed a... pacifier."
Anakin looked stunned, his lips quivering. Obi-Wan had cornered him in Anakin's apartment after he had just returned from his last mission, whipping out the offending item and getting right to it. Anakin had just finished stumbling through some excuse about needing it for a rescue mission of some young diplomat.
Anakin had thankfully been caught so off-guard that he didn't question how Obi-Wan had found it; he was too preoccupied by trying to think up some plausible excuse. The blatant lie confirmed for Obi-Wan what he already knew — that this was Anakin's big secret.
He needed Anakin to calm down, having him snap right now would end with Anakin pushing him further away. Obi-Wan had the upper hand, he didn't need to press harder right now.
"Anakin... this is... important to you?" Obi-Wan let the furrow leave his brows; he tilted his head downward and marginally widened his eyes. In some way, it felt like this is what his diplomatic training had all really been for. Every other negotiation paled in importance. How could any of that really matter more than saving his boy?
Anakin, empath that he was, settled marginally, and his eyes fell. They both sighed simultaneously; only Anakin's was audible.
"It's the only thing that calms me down, master." There was a shiftiness in the way he said it, like he was hiding something — or maybe he was just nervous.
Obi-Wan considered this for a moment. He had been trying to avoid visualizing the bantha in the room. But it was becoming unavoidable. Anakin stood in front of him, broad, looming, and bashful. His flesh arm was gripping his right bicep; his head was ducked and looking towards the floor. Maybe he was more ashamed?
Obi-Wan placed a hand on his shoulder. Anakin shifted slightly, like he was bracing for impact.
"Anakin, as long as you are safe, that is all I need to know. But forgive me, I don't... I'm not familiar with this. If something was wrong, or you needed help, you could come to me. Can I trust you to do that?"
Hearing that, Anakin turned a vibrant, unattractive red. Embarrassment? Obi-Wan fixed his eyes forward to avoid looking down for other answers.
Obi-Wan did not even know why he said what he did. From what he saw, there was not a single thing he could imagine putting Anakin in any kind physical danger. Some part of him just did not want to let this go, for this to be over. What he said was a lie; that was absolutely not all he needed to know. His better judgement was losing out to a frantic need — a need to be closer to Anakin, who was so desperate to slip away.
"I don't... I don't think I could. Obi-Wan, this is weird. I know it's weird. I wouldn't want to make you deal with any of it." Anakin looked to be on the edge of something: sobbing, running, or completely shutting down.
"Anakin, please stay here with me. I am not mad, okay? I'm not disgusted." He most certainly had been disgusted, but was quickly getting over it. Or more accurately, the disgust was morphing into something else, that kept drawing him in. "I want to help you and I want to understand. Can we talk about it? This is all just between you and me." Obi-Wan grabbed Anakin's left hand, which had been dropped to his side. He rubbed his thumb on the back of it to try and be reassuring. Anakin seemed to tense up at this new contact; he was not used to Obi-Wan being so touchy. God, I missed touching him.
"Okay... yes. Okay." Anakin's eyes looked everywhere but at the person he was addressing. "I'll talk about it with you."
Obi-Wan weighed his first question carefully. Anakin looked skittish, but Obi-Wan always knew him to be a bold person. He ran away from his problems, but was easy to corner into difficult conversations if you were persistent. Taking him off-guard with a very forward question would get the hard part out of the way, and get Anakin to open up more for the rest of the conversation. There was a twinge of guilt in the back of Obi-Wan's mind about using his diplomatic prowess to manipulate Anakin, but it was for his own good.
"Anakin, before I ask more questions, I need to get a grasp on what this actually is for you." He did not let go of Anakin's hand. "Is it... sexual?" Anakin grimaced, like this had been the question he was both expecting and dreading. Bullseye.
"I don't know. Yes? No? I don't really think about it like that, but it's like..." Anakin paused. Measuring his next words, it looked like he was rolling them around in his mouth. "It's the only way I can... get off. Because my brain is finally silent, and I can breathe. I feel safe." After saying this, something relaxed in Anakin's posture. He was finally able to look forward and meet Obi-Wan's eyes.
Obi-Wan held a soft smile. "I see."
So it was sexual. He was surprised to find himself excited by that answer. He should not be excited. "That's okay, Anakin. There is nothing to be ashamed of, it's a natural process. I hope no one has made you feel like it was something wrong. When you put it like that, it makes sense." Anakin was looking more and more relaxed. This seemed to be working.
Obi-Wan pushed on. "What do you do? What does the whole process look like for you?" Obi-Wan held himself back from asking Anakin to show him. Why would he want to see that? Why did he want to see that?
"When I'm having a bad day, I put on the clothes and just... p-play with my toys." That last bit was very difficult for Anakin to get out; he choked on the words. "I go into a different headspace." Anakin picked up his hands and gestured around his head. He was becoming more animated and was acting more like himself.
"And what is that like for you? I can't say I've experienced anything like it myself."
"Sometimes I pretend like there's someone there, taking care of me." Anakin paused again. There was clearly some part of this he was not letting on, but Obi-Wan wasn't going to push it. "That's a big part of it, actually. I don't want to have to worry about myself for awhile."
This felt like his in. He was looking for an in? His frantic need to get Anakin back into his orbit was finally lessening. He was starting to just be... concerned. To want. He wanted to be involved, and he wanted Anakin to let him, for Anakin's sake.
"Can you show me?"
"Show you? What do you mean show you?"
"Well, you said it's not entirely sexual. I imagine you could show me the parts that aren't." Obi-Wan was endlessly grateful right now for his notorious composure. He was focusing tremendously on his body through the force to keep any signs of nervousness or excitement from showing. He absolutely could not scare Anakin away. He knew if he projected composure, calm, and acceptance, Anakin would likely follow suit. His mind was working in layers; he already had answers lined up for his padawan's rebuttals.
"In what universe would you have any reason to watch me dress up like a child and play with toys?"
"You said yourself, imagining someone there with you was part of the fantasy. Maybe it wasn't me you were imagining, but I'm happy to play the part. I want to learn about you, Anakin. I care about you. You've felt distant lately. I've been concerned. I want to be a part of your life, whatever that looks like." That was maybe a shade too honest on Obi-Wan's part. He couldn't help but let some of the desperation seep out. If Anakin was a scared prey animal, Obi-Wan felt like a predator trying not to make sudden movements. But the hunger gets to you.