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Both of them knew this would happen. In fact, when Daesung mentioned it the week before, Jiyong gave him a sigh, and a mere hopeful look appeared in his eyes. It was soon clouded by nervousness, and the hopeful spark had left him.
Questions flooded his head that night about whether or not he'd even get to see Seung-hyun at awards or if he'd just walk right out upon seeing all of them, with not even a hello. It'd been tough to tell, and the latter option had been an even more heartbreaking event to imagine. He turned the other way, the silk pillow doing little to provide comfort to the turmoil in his mind as he closed his eyes and tried to go to sleep.
Seung-hyun first saw it from the plethora of posts on Instagram stating that BIGBANG was nominated as well, alongside all the fan speculations and what-ifs. It was bound to happen, honestly. Votes were in from everywhere, Another Dimension was great, and BIGBANG's new single was playing constantly, with promotions around everywhere leading up to its release earlier in the year. Both albums were racking up millions of streams and purchases worldwide, flying up the charts for weeks. To receive an award was inevitable, and his fellow former members deserved it.
When he first listened to it, it was bittersweet hearing just the three of them, listening to lyrics and analyzing them, replaying the song over and over again. Some lyrics seemed so beautiful, and instantly he knew this was all Jiyong's work. Seung-hyun paused late that night, his pen softly being set down on the desk. Looking down at his analytical notes and flipping through the pages, a part of him secretly hoped some had hidden meanings that were about him or their past. Jiyong was purposeful with his lyrics, whether it be when they were written for him or not, they had a billion metaphors and little sayings only they'd get. Seung-hyun never found that with anyone else, and back years ago, he knew the beautiful blonde boy lying beside him was his soulmate. Grounded back to reality, looking at the lyrics was clearly Jiyong's work and it reminded him of the other lonely nights he spent watching 2024 MAMA over and over again. He sighed, and closed his journal, his head resting on his arms, the dim desk lamp shining lowly on his dark brown hair. He stared at the clock, the time softly illuminated, like the time was a reminder of his wasteful hours just reading words on a paper.
Staring, he thought to himself. He had to attend regardless if he wanted to or not, this wouldn't be a moment to miss. When Squid Game released, everyone was suddenly curious about the charismatic man behind Thanos. Who was he? Does he make other shows? And as months passed, being called 'Thanos' constantly by new fans died out, and he was called T.O.P again, and everyone rediscovered BIGBANG, and it was like it was 2015 again. Just much more different.
Attending the awards would show everyone the solo T.O.P, and show that he is an independent singer now. This would bring him back into the public eye for good, and even be the start of soon to come tour dates, at least that's what his assistant suggested. And after all, he was being rewarded for his work. This was a milestone, all his time spent now and years back in the recording studio, both alone and crowded with the noisy feel of his producers and close friends, this was meaningful. Every track was his, and his solely, and he knew his courage was something to be seen. He could prove everyone wrong and stand on that stage, holding an award, shouting to the world, "I did it!"
But to him, he halfly dreaded it. His prior thoughts from seconds ago feel like they vanished immediately. He hadn't spoken to the members in years, nearly a decade. He wasn't so worried about Youngbae and Daesung. They'd always been a natural light to him, and he was confident somehow. Some part of him spoke that.. yes, it would be tough seeing them again, but at the end of the day, it would be a smooth interaction, at least he really hoped so. He shook his head, scrambling the carefree and hopeful thoughts away, realizing that he also hurt them too, regardless of the fact they didn't have what him and Jiyong had together. They were still affected.
He recalls the frantic messages he received from them.
"hyung, are you okay?? heard the news and we all hope you're doing well."
"why'd you block jiyong-hyung??"
Most of all, and quite obviously, it was Jiyong that worried him, and that thought too, kept him up at night. Of course he'd seen his face during his hiatus, how could he not? It was impossible to miss those very familiar eyes, that beautiful smile Seung-hyun missed staring at and seeing everyday, his poses and new fashion line collaborations. Jiyong could be seen from almost every single billboard and advertisement he saw in Seoul, Japan, even as so far to see fans with keychains he knew represented the fashionable G-Dragon all the way in the States. With every new ad, fashion line or collab Jiyong was involved in, it felt like mockery, but also a luring call to come back home.
Years ago, he used to admire every billboard with Jiyong whenever they went out or driving by, smiling as they passed by a new one, featuring the very fashionable and charming G-Dragon. Jiyong would always end up covering his face in a shy, bashful way and Seung-hyun never failed to point out his makeup look or outfit on one.
"Oh, that picture wasn't my favorite.." He'd groan, rolling his eyes, turning his face away and into Seung-hyun's shoulder.
"Really? I think they styled you so pretty, Ji," Seung-hyun pointed up at it from inside the car.
"Ah, hyung- you always know what to say," He giggled, a smile much more genuine and wider than the image, looking at him, swatting his arm playfully.
Unfortunately, this was not the case anymore whenever he looked up to see a more handsomer, more expensive looking Jiyong peering down at him from the towering, lit up billboards. Seung-hyun realized one thing though, he couldn't mess any of this up whatsoever. If this was going to happen, he knew he had to put away all the desperate apologies he bombarded them with years ago and showed them that he can handle this maturely. If even needed.
The next morning, he got up as per usual, met with the paintings hung up around his room. After making himself some breakfast, which wasn't the best but could pass as a meal, he turned on the TV, for comforting background noise. He plugged his laptop in to charge.
He sighed, sitting in his newly bought designer chair by his tea table. His phone, ashtray and some beautifully set vase were placed on it, the tiny fine china cabinet collection somewhere nearby. Grabbing his phone, he checked for both any difference in schedule or even a schedule in the first place today. He saw the regulars.
"Meeting with management."
"Rehearsal."
Scrolling enough and finding nothing for today, he figured he could just take the day off. He went to his balcony, opening the sleek sliding glass door to Japan's morning view.
Meanwhile, Jiyong woke up, a yawn as his cats jumped up to greet him. "Oh, Iye," He muttered, half awake and asleep, a hand running through the thin fur, as he grabbed his phone, finding a notification of his own.
"Reminder: Rehearsal Tomorrow"
He sighed, and lied back down, watching as Iye hopped off the bed to go peer at whatever Zoa was doing.