Chapter Text
Clark has always loved the thought of having kids.
Like everyone else in Smallville, there were three summer jobs available to them when they hit 15 that weren’t their usual chores on the farms, which increased with age. There was being a bagger or stocker at Aberer’s or the Aldi, general staff – Really just errand runners and being janitors – at one of the Main Street shops, or babysitting.
Clark had taken up babysitting at first as a favor to Ms. Browning with her two twins when he was only 13, but soon found he had a real affinity with children that went on to shape his next five summers.
With babies and toddlers, they’d cuddled up close to Clark and wouldn’t stray far from him, always falling soundly asleep on him. Grade school kids loved him as well, mostly because they loved to climb over him and wrestle him – Well it was more he’d let them throw themselves at him. His body still invulnerable then, but not as unmovable as Clark had learned to make himself. As for the quieter kids, Clark enjoyed talking with them and giving them new resources for whatever topic had captured their attention.
So when his eyes strayed to the passing baby stroller, turned to the laughter he heard when he had a chance to walk through Centennial, or how he went to the young cries of ‘Superman!’ first before any other, it wasn’t at all a surprise to Clark.
It continued to not be a surprise to himself with how attached he got with Cat’s son, Adam.
It had been a hard fight to get custody from her ex-husband, but everyone at the Planet had favors to call in and did so secretly to help build a case that ultimately resulted in her getting her son back safe and sound after four years of being apart. Steve immediately said they needed to have a party to celebrate and set something up before anyone could really protest. Cat agreed, stating she needed a moment to ‘bask in the win’, but instead of just coming alone she brought Adam with her too, looking more bright and alive than she had when Clark first met her on the elevator years ago.
Adam hides behind Cat’s legs, like most kids did when they meet someone new, prompting Steve to sheepishly and then proudly pat himself on the back for choosing a bar and grille and not just a bar for the celebration.
As she sits down, Cat pulls the five-year-old into her lap, “I can’t stay long like I told Ron, but I – I wanted to say thank you.” Her perfect smile wobbling.
“It’s no problem Ms. Grant,” Jimmy pipes up, “This is totally a thing to be celebrating.”
Shaking her head, Cat doesn’t say more, causing everyone to frown as the blonde was never one to be short on words. But that concern quietly slips away as Clark watches them, Adam huffing and scrubbing at his face as his mom’s hair flicks across it as she holds him tighter, and what happens next, it has Clark transfixed.
“Mommy. Your hair.” He whines, patting at her chest to stop.
“Sorry baby, sorry,” She whispers, catching his small hand as she kisses his round cheeks, then kisses his hand, “Love you.”
“Love you mommy.” He smiles up at her with a wide grin.
Clark had seen a parent’s love for their children plenty of times, but it was something special to see each time. Seeing the love and affection just pour out of one person into the little person they made, that they were going to help grow, it leaves that same terrible ache in his chest as it always does. That longing to hold a child of his own, a longing he knows can’t be fulfilled, but the joy of being able to help give Cat this chance back, these moments back, it has his heart twisting in glee for her.
Looking up, Cat’s eyes gleam with tears, “No, I’m saying thank you, because without all your help I wouldn’t be holding my baby right now. Without – I wouldn’t have my son in my arms again if it wasn’t for all of you,” Then she flashes them a grin that’s all Cat Grant as they stare back in surprise, “I’m a journalist too you know.”
Shocked expressions are quickly traded in for smiles and embarrassed chuckling.
“You got us,” Ron huffs with a smile, “But we couldn’t just sit by and do nothing. That’s not who we are.”
“Yeah, had to help bring that little sport home,” Steve agrees with a big nod, crossing his arms in front of his chest, “He wasn’t gonna learn anything with that sad sack.”
“Mr. Lombard.” Jimmy scolds him, but backs off as Lois gently slugs the younger redhead in the arm.
“You know he’s right,” Before pointing at Steve who stared at Lois in awe, “That’s the only time I’m agreeing with you Steve. Cherish it.”
Shaking his head at his coworkers and friends, Clark turns to Cat and smiles, “We’re glad it all worked out.”
“Me too,” Then hefting Adam up so he could stand on her legs, hugs him from the side, “Adam this is everyone. Everyone, this is Adam,” He waves shyly and they all wave back, Clark physically having to hold back the dove-like coo building in his throat, “And Adam. These are the people that helped mommy get you back.”
The shyness is gone for wide-eye surprise as he looks around at them.
“You helped me?” He says in awe.
“Sure thing kid,” Lois smiles, “We hated seeing your mom sad and wanted to help.”
“You’re – you’re like superheroes!” Adam exclaims, bouncing in place, “Like Lantern or-or-or Superman!”
Clark drops his gaze to the menu as Lois snorts and he can see her looking his way as she says, “Kinda like them kid. Kinda like them.”
“Thank you for getting my mommy back.”
Clark’s heart flips at the sincere happiness, but it just about near explodes when Adam tells Cat to put him down and he proceeds to work his way around the table, giving everyone hugs.
When he gets to him, Clark thinks he might cry as Adam says, “Thank you for helping mister sir.”
The urge to hold him closer and purr is stronger than Clark had ever felt it, but he holds off, accepting the hug and telling Adam, “You’re welcome Adam. I’m glad I could help an awesome kid like you.”
Cat and Adam do stay long enough to order something to-go, Cat telling them briefly about her plans and what Perry was allowing for her to get settled with Adam as they wait for their food. And when she leaves, she leaves them a gift in the form of paid lava cakes for dessert for each of them that she ordered at the front before leaving.
Clark couldn’t be happier for her, and he’s a bit selfishly happy when over the next few weeks Cat comes in for half days, bringing Adam with her. Curious as his mom and great with faces just like her, he finds one of them and sticks by their side the whole day. Clark won’t say he’s keeping a tally, but he does have one day more than Ron.
But eventually Cat finally finds a daycare she’s happy with, putting an end to the day trips, but not without a tiny going-away party for Adam in the break room. It’s a cute thing with loud party hats, louder balloons, and bright sparkling cupcakes – Though Clark knows all of their hearts hurt at hearing how relieved Adam was when he says he likes that it’s a quiet party – and he spends most of his time sitting by Clark, kicking his feet and asking more questions about all the places Clark went when he was younger.
It’s a bittersweet thing when they say goodbye, but Clark hopes Cat can bring Adam around again. They’d all be happy to see him, but until then life goes back to normal.
At least that’s what Clark expected.
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Clark’s eyes glide from one seat to the other, two minds about them and unsure all the same. For one thing, they were both the same bland one color, but they were soft on the palm of his hand and sturdy. But one looked more relaxed than the other, and with how squirmy Ma said he was it would be —
“I liked the Baby Delight more than the Baby Björn.”
Turning to his right, he finds a very tired gaze from a young black woman in an orange sundress with a full cart. But she still smiles sweetly up at him before looking back at the row of bouncers, specifically the two Clark had his eyes on.
“You can have the arch with the stuffed toys in the middle. Me and my husband get ones from the store, then we sew in little backs to them, and switch them out for Rodney. The Björn is just a chair, no stimulation.” She explains.
“Really?” Clark asks, surprised since he swore the most recent vlog he watched had a Baby Björn with that option, “I’ll keep that in mind. And I love the idea with the stuffed toys. Might have to steal that,” He teases, “I know my Ma would love to knit a whole barnyard of animals for her grandkid.”
“You should,” The lady grins as she rests more of her weight on the handlebar of the cart, “Great to start thinking up ideas now because you won’t have any time when they arrive.”
Chuckling, Clark nods, remembering how Lana described what the early experience was like. How it felt like an endless brain fog of confusion and missing information that started at month 6 and kept up until her Clark reached about two-years-old.
“So I’ve been told.”
“Can I ask when she’s expecting?”
The placid scene that Clark had been in pops violently. Opening and closing his mouth, he stutters as he tries to cover up his reasons for being here when there was no baby on the way in any way.
“Oh! Here? I – It’s not for me. Best friend – It’s for my best friend Lana. Her baby shower is coming up,” Five years pass this May, He thinks sardonically, “But I think she’ll love the idea too.”
Throughout his attempts to twist the truth, the lady’s lips fold over as her mouth tilts up in a quiet smile, trying not to laugh as he verbally tripped over himself.
Nodding slowly, her mouth softening into a motherly smile as she tells him, “You’re a good friend. Well! Keep the idea for yourself too, you never know when you’ll need it.”
“I will! And thanks for the advice.” Clark says as she guides her cart around him.
“No problem.”
Turning away, Clark quickly shuffles out of the aisle, face volcanic in shame. Once he’s in one of the frozen food sections, he covers his face and takes a breath. It wasn’t that he was embarrassed for being there, but he was more confused and embarrassed in himself for just being there and not realizing what drew him to the aisle in the first place.
With a heavy sigh, his cold breath hidden by the chilled air, Clark straightens up as much as he lets himself and walks down the aisle and past others with the intention of finishing his shopping and leaving swiftly.
His plan fails four times after his mental declaration.
It’s starts when he sees a baby in the bread aisle and a mix between a dove’s coo and a cat’s purr immediately rumbles from his throat over the background radio music. Each time he sees another in the store he has to turn to look around in surprise as the other shoppers do too to hide, but when Clark makes it to the end of the juice aisle he knows he’s beat. Right in front of the first set of coolers of the meat section was a dad with a set of chubby cheek twins the turn to him. As fast as he could, even as everything in him wishes to turn back, Clark promptly spins around and makes a b-line for the self-checkout. He could go without some beef or pork this week, it’s supposed to be healthier if they did.
As he bags up his food, Clark can’t help but think about his involuntary reactions when he got close to a baby or a baby stared curiously at him. It wasn’t a bad response, so Clark wasn’t worried about that, no he’s wondering if he had been doing this more often. But he can’t have been, he doesn’t remember……
He doesn’t remember doing it more, but Clark can tell – Can feel – something had shifted and twisted in him, something more, that made the result whatever this is. But from what he could guess with this spotty intel, is that it is him getting a little bit more excited around babies, and really, who wouldn’t be happy to see a baby.
It’s probably just a phase, Clark pinches the bridge of his nose before reaching for his wallet to pay, Just not over Adam leaving the office I guess. He thinks to himself as he picks up his bags and leaves the NowMart.
And maybe it could be that, if it hadn’t been a month since Cat had brought Adam to the Planet.
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“Hey Smallville!” Looking to his left, he sees Lois striding over with her usual confidence, but with a large strained smile that told him just what she wanted.
“Which one?” He asks, pausing his podcast.
Stopping short, she blinks and then her gaze and stance turns sharp, that hunting edge she always had now gleaming under the overhead lights.
“Just pass me your phone.” She says instead, trying to swipe it. But Clark just zips it out of her way, smiling sunnily as she glowers down at him.
“Which one?” He asks again, brightly.
Lois folds her arms with a pinched grimace, like Clark was the problem here, and he can only snort so he doesn’t outright laugh.
“It doesn’t matter.”
“It does matter because I know you’re gonna try to poach them.”
With a smirk, she rests her right hand on her hip and flips her hair over her shoulder, “It’s not my fault if I have that wonderful charming personality.”
“You mean the full body terror you incite?” Glancing meaningfully over his glasses, smug as Lois frowns before viciously grinning,
“Inspire.” She looms over him, but Clark just asks again,
“Who?”
Matching her pale lavender gaze, the stare down begins. Lois knows she wouldn’t win an outright battle, not with Clark’s extended blinking reflex. No this is a match of stubborn wills which they had in barrels and acres. It all comes down to how badly Lois really wanted the source.
“Fine!” Smacking her lips with a sigh, but holding her hand out for the phone like she’s owed it, “Reggie Clements. Found something in city communication.”
“Oh, okay.” Clark agrees, opening his contacts and passing her the device.
Lois’ brows knit together faster than Ma could a scarf, “Okay? What do you mean ‘okay’?”
“Yeah, okay,” Clark shrugs, “Reggie likes me.”
Squinting in disbelief, Lois takes the phone muttering to herself before saying a bit louder, “We’ll see about that.”
Leaning back against his desk, she starts typing out a message, but stopping soon after. And Clark knows why the moment his sound goes out. Something in the phone had been jostle from the one too many times he’d dropped it and now the sound only worked if he had the vibration off and Lois hates the sound of a phone keyboard.
“Lois, you turned off the sound on my podcast.”
“Oooooone. Seeeecooooond.” She draws out as she texts faster, definitely leaving some typos, before she flicks the sound back on, but she doesn’t hand back the phone.
Clark can see from his angle that she had gone to the open page to rewind it, which Clark appreciates. What he doesn’t appreciate is how her expression twists up, like she’s just undercovered the best joke.
“Clark,” Turning his phone to him, Lois waves it side to side with a tremendous grin, “You have something to share with the class.”
His lips purses at the playful tease and plucks his phone from her hand, pausing the podcast, but doesn’t move his headphones until Lois taps her finger against the side, grin on full display. Frowning, Clark gently slides his headphones down to rest around his neck, making sure to keep his pointed ears hidden under his curls.
“It’s a podcast. You know I like to listen to things to help me write.”
Leaning in close, Lois’ grin is dancing, “It’s a ‘parenting for the first time’ podcast. For what first child?” She whispers.
“I – Just – You know it’s important he can interact with kids.” Clark stutters out as he leans in, eyes darting around to make sure no one else heard.
One lady in NowMart and a few other customers he could dissuade, but his coworkers would be difficult with how nosy they all were, a vice of their profession.
Eyes narrowing with humor, Lois nods slowly, “Riiiight. The kids. Of course.”
“Plus there’s Dick.”
“He’s twelve, Clark.” She deadpans.
“All the more reason to get ready for his teenage years.”
Lois nods slowly again, adopting a solemn expression Clark knew was paper thin as parchment paper.
“Sure, sure. And I’m sure our mutual shadowy friend loves when you brood over his baby bird.” She grins wider than the Joker ever could, too proud of her analogies.
Clark juts his chin out in defiance, staring back and trying to remain unmoved, but Lois knew she was right about this, and when she knew she was right, she wouldn’t let it go and she would definitely revel in it.
If he tried to push back, she’d heckle him. But if he didn’t, she would too, just to a lesser degree.
Taking the high road, Clark turns back to his desktop and rights his headphones, “I’m ignoring you.”
Her cackle is pure mirth and joy as she staggers for a moment before patting him on the shoulder, “You do that sweetie.”
Striding away, half the newsroom looks at her and the other half look to him before going back to work.
Ducking his head, Clark starts up the NewlyParents podcast again, but makes sure to flip his phone on its front and keep on typing his piece, hoping something else would draw away the few curious people left glancing his way.
It wasn’t bad to be prepared, superheroing threw so many curlballs it would be in his best interest to be ready for this. And if nothing else, he’s sure Bruce would agree in Clark’s want to be prepared. He liked it when Clark thought ahead. But even that train of thought failed to boost the morale he had moments ago. Biting the inside of his cheek, frustrated, Clark pauses the podcast and starts playing his city sounds playlist.
And if he happens to loop the rainy day one, it’s because it brings him the most peace.
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The weight was back.
Smiling to himself, Clark luxuriates in the lucid dreamscape, wanting for just a little more.
It’s comforting as always. Heavy in a way that Clark always wanted – He not sure what that want is though and can’t describe it, but it’s heavenly. It always starts internally, like a good day in the sun combined with the settling weight of Ma’s famous peach cobbler, all warm and right.
It’s also something more.
And as always, its shifts to be the same weight in his arms. Perfect, right, and normal.
It makes him think of something else – Someone else – but that always slips through his fingers before he can realize it; waking up with heavy eyes and empty arms.
Breathing in then slowly out, Clark pushes himself up out of bed and turns to the rising sun, feeling drained.
He ignores the grogginess and goes to starts a pot of coffee before going back for his charging phone, turning off the alarm before it can sound. On instinct, he opens YouTube, but lets his thumb hover over the ‘Littles and Me!’ newest episode at the top of his feed.
Lips pursing together, Clark lowers his thumb before stopping and ultimately leaving the app, setting his phone face down as he continues getting ready.
After Lois had pointed it out two weeks ago, Clark had tried to cut back on his baby prepping, and hating how he noticed it had been… a lot. Clark still didn’t think it was bad to be prepared, but the amount of ‘getting ready for the baby’ channels he had subscribed to was impressive in a concerning way. At no other time in his life did he want to be this knowledgeable about taking care of children, and he certainly didn’t react like this before when he was around kids.
Even Dick, bright and wonderful boy he is, made Clark protective, but not overly anxious to have to know how to swaddle and hold a baby… To draw on that need to have a child of his own.
Grimacing, the bittersweet feeling became an ache, and as it had done for the last week, an odd pull in his stomach.
This wasn’t happening when I let it be. He grumbles to himself. The few times he had relapsed back and listened or watched something it made the ache less.
But even without knowing he was watching those videos or reading articles on childhood development, his friends could tell there was something different about him too.
Hearing the panicked heartbeat, Clark turns away from wiping little Arianna’s tears as she calms down from crying, inconsolable about being the last one, thinking her mom forgot about her. What Clark sees at the police line does not show a forgetful parent in the least.
“Is that her?” Clark asks softly as he points to a woman trying to rush pass the front of the police line.
Rubbing her eyes, she turns to the line and gasps.
“Mommy!” The little girl cries, reaching out to her.
Standing from his crouch, Clark picks the girl up and floats over to the line and the mother frantically listing IDs before tossing her whole purse at the nearby cop so she can hold her arms out for her daughter.
“Ari! God! Ari I’m – I love you baby. Mommy loves you.” She cradles her daughter close, sinking to the payment as the two cry.
“She’s good,” The cop says quietly, showing off a family photo and school photo in the woman’s wallet, “We’ll take it from here Superman.”
Nodding, he flies back over to where Diana is standing, and with a sharp jut of her chin they both fly away from the rubble mount that used to be a daycare and insurance firm before Polaris decided to use it for a hostage situation after he and Diana foiled the villain attempt to steal conundrum from an armored truck.
Clark’s response had been more immediate than he’d like to admit, but Polaris had put all those children in danger and Clark was all but possessed by a protective rage he’d never felt before.
Thankfully, it all worked out in the end.
Somehow, in the moment, Clark manipulated his own magnetic field and bypassed the villain’s own magnetic forcefield to lay the man out with a haymaker that surprised even him. But the damage to the internal structure had already been weakened and he had to rush to get everyone out as Diana called on the strength of Atlas as she held up the ceiling, allowing Clark to speed all the children then all the adults out before grabbing Diana and Polaris, letting the unstable building fall.
“You’ve been very attentive lately.” She says as they glide over the Boston skyline.
“I thought I always was.” He chuckles lightly, holding his breath as he waits for her to reprimand him.
“To children in particular Kal.” Diana points out, lifting a questioning brow.
Biting the inside of his cheek, he tries to keep stoic, but even he knows the actions he took and the aftermath were new extremes for him. The panicked checking of all 52 children, the hovering around the ambulances as they were checked over again, and staying by their sides until their guardians could make it to them.
It was all in the bounds of ‘Superman behavior’, but it was something else too.
“I think we’d all be.” He tries to deflect.
“Most of us don’t growl.” Diana hums, quick to remind him of the feral growl that exploded from him before he went at the magnetic meta.
Clark’s cheeks warm at being called out. It rarely happened, but it was a known fact at this point that Kal-El, the alien, could growl when sufficiently angry. Landing on a nearby building, Diana lands to his left, trying to catch his gaze, but Clark can’t help but be embarrassed in his indignation.
“I don’t know how you could expect me to stay calm in that situation.” He mumbles, folding his arms, feeling the tingle of emptiness through them.
“As Batman would say; ‘It is needed for the best outcome’.”
And Clark knows that, but he couldn’t have done anything else, he knows that too.
“Although,” Whipping around to her, he finds a secretive grin pulling at her lips, “At the time, I don’t believe anything but pure action would have stopped Dr. Polaris.”
Nodding numbly, Clark agrees, “I – Yes – I just had to protect them. The thought that he would hurt them to get away…”
And words fail him as the rage takes over him again, muting him as he thinks about that superiority Dr. Polaris flaunted at them in knowing he and Diana would never endanger anyone, but he was perfectly fine with endangering children.
Diana’s hand on his shoulder is a ground presence as she turns him towards her, offering a hug he gladly accepts.
“I understand Kal. I do. You know there are no children on Themyscria, and holding a new life in your arms, that pure happiness is a treasure. They’re also just cute,” The both of them chuckling at that truth. Gently pushing at his shoulders, Clark meets her gaze and finds concern instead of humor, “But what I saw, that rage, that was unlike you. Perhaps it is more than you think.”
It really wasn’t anything. Clark reminded himself again.
But it was getting harder to think that when just last week Barry and him were on monitoring duty and it had come up. The speedster had been off handling something in the Speed Force and was reading up on the last month of stuff through the Central Times and the Daily Planet while Clark used the other screens to keep watch on the world. It had started with Barry pointing out how most Superman stories in the last month had been of him helping out kids more than before.
“Baby fever?” He jokes, stopping to munch on another honey & oats bar, “It sneaks up on you.” He huffs quietly.
Before Clark could defend himself, the blond looked wistfully at the page of Clark volunteering with The Boys and Girls Club and told him how he and Iris were seriously thinking about having kids.
It jumpstarted a whole conversation of Clark telling Barry what blogs were the most helpful and not a fame grab, followed by the best podcasts that answered submitted questions, and one exercising website for pregnant women since Iris loved her kickboxing and walking, and would probably not stop for the baby either. Clark didn’t give it a second thought and neither had Barry, soaking up the information like a sponge and asking questions of his own that sent Clark on another tangent, ending with him explain some of the tricks Ma used when handling a superpowered kid as that was definitely a possibility with Barry as the father.
It was only when monitoring duty was over, Bruce and J’onn taking over for them, that Barry had thanked him for his knowledge, telling their two quietest members how much of ‘a big help’ and ‘what a baby expert’ Clark was before rushing out. Clark had been left standing there as the two looked to him in stoic expectancy. He had said something in a rush before zipping out himself, unable to look at Bruce as he took into account what little data he had and started to extrapolate Clark’s weirdness from it.
Honestly, Bruce probably could’ve come up with a reason for Clark’s behavior, but Bruce knowing anything about this left a cold shiver going through the Kryptonian.
Not great, but not terrible.
But really none of that really matters, or it couldn’t matter. Clark couldn’t let it be more than fleeting thoughts, not just because he couldn’t biologically, but it wouldn’t be safe to raise a child as himself or alone. He knew that, knew it was only a fantasy, but he still wishes for it.
But like Lois said ‘for what child’. There was never going to be one so listening to these podcasts and vlogs, or reading parenting entries wouldn’t do him any good. All it really succeeded in doing was saddening his mood, another thing everyone had taken note of.
Gathering up his stuff to leave, Clark picks up his phone and stares at it until he doesn’t have the time anymore if he doesn’t want to miss his train. Quickly, quietly, and efficiently Clark unsubscribes from the seven youtube channels, unbookmarks the 23 websites, and deletes the two podcasts from his phone.
It was all giving unattainable hope and that wasn’t a way to live.
Ironic really, that the Symbol of Hope to crush his own if he was going to be able to survive.
As he walks out of his apartment, metaphorically with a fresh start, Clark can’t help but feel the lowest he’s ever felt since this started. But now without these distractions he might be able to get better and back to normal.
He can only hope for that now.