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The worst part about having 'Hikaru' here was that the real Hikaru couldn't be mourned, because, to everyone, Hikaru was alive and well. It wasn't fair.Hikaru deserved a funeral. He deserved to be grieved by his friends and family.But he couldn't. Yoshiki couldn't mourn him, so, he wrote a letter. His final goodbye.
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Hikaru, I don't know why I'm writing this.
Probably because if I tried to say it out loud.. I would end up talking to him. The one with your face. And I couldn't bear talking to him about you. I wouldn't put that on him.
I can't remember the last time we had a conversation. I remember the way you laughed with your entire stomach or how you always complained about the heat but I can't remember the last time you were with me. Isn't that terrible?
I wish he was a monster. I wish he was cruel.Then, I coukd hate him without any guilt. But he tries his best. He stays close because he knows I'd be lonely if he didn't.
Sometimes I think he understands that I'm mourning you. I hate that I can't hate him. Because everytime I look at him, some part of me does a stupid thing, it thinks: there you are. But then I remember that you aren't, and you never will be again.Each time it happens, I feel like I lose you again.
You know what hurts the most? It's that you will never know how much I wanted to stay with you, how I would've followed you anywhere. There are so many things I didn't tell you because I thought we had time. I thought we would graduate together. We were gonna get that apartment in Tokyo, remember?
I keep thinking of all the times in life when you were there. The ordinary times. I would give anything for ordinary.
You know what scares me? It's that one day, I'll look at him and won't be able to tell the differnence. I'll hear your name and think of him first. The future I imagined always had you in it. Now the future came anyway, and you're not here.
I miss you. I miss you. Not your face. Not your voice. Just you.
Goodbye,
Yoshiki