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Opening night is supposed to be a sacred thing. When the lights go low, you feel that thrum, that mystical feeling when the audience is transported from the world of mundane life, bills, school, family obligations, to a world that they are fully aware is pure fiction but they choose to believe it anyway. Suspended disbelief. The art of stagecraft. There are too many things riding on it to be taken up by someone's bullshit. Too many other people you'd be letting down. You put it all aside, and you do the damn show. When you're supposed to be on stage, you are on stage come hell or high water.
At least that's how I look at it. So when I see our Miranda's Joy running off crying ten minutes before opening from Fuji Kiseki's room, I get a little frustrated. This isn't the first time as Fuji's acting coach I've had to deal with her flirtatious fallouts, and it certainly won't be the last. Her run in the Twinkle Series came to an end too goddamn soon. She was a prodigy, a delight to watch run. The track was her proscenium, the gates were her exits and entrances. But she only got four races to play the lead. Shakespeare could not compare to the enchanting feeling of watching her run. But the Bard would have to do for now.
"Fuji, what did you say?" She's already dressed as Ferdinand, perfectly ready for showtime. Her ears are matted down by a wig and her makeup is stunning, perfectly contouring her face, giving it a slightly more masculine edge. She looks like a prince. However without her maiden, how could our production of The Tempest go on?
"Mark! Just the person I wanted to see."
"Fuji."
"You know how when during one of my first productions, there was supposed to be a letter in a drawer? And when I went to get it, it wasn't there."
"Fuji—"
"I didn't know what to do, you can't act with a missing prop I thought, and you found the letter and threw it on stage.
"Fuji!"
"And I caught it between my two fingers? The crowd loved that. Well you need to step up again because I am certain that Moon Rivers is not coming back here."
"What did you say to her?????????"
She sighs and holds her head up with a hand. "I may have… implied… in no uncertain terms would I break up with any of my other lovers to be with her." I want to throw a shoe. "Don't make that face! She gave me an ultimatum! I merely gave her an answer she didn't like."
"Why didn't you wait till after the show? She's sensitive!" Damn it. When I moved to Japan to teach acting, I didn't think that my day job would be managing love triangles at Tracen academy. I thought I left that behind in L.A. but theatre is theatre. And theatre attracts messy bitches. "Who can I even find that can memorize all these lines in ten minutes?
She glares at me, a smile growing on her face. "I know someone."
"No." My eyes narrow.
"Someone who's very close by." She's circling me like a shark.
"No, no, no." But she's already going for the kill.
"Come on! You know all the lines, we rehearsed it together." I balk.
"Isn't there anyone better suited? I'm not even an equine. This school is full of equines! Miranda's Joy is the only part Shakespeare wrote for an equine." At least explicitly, but this is no time for a history lesson.
Fuji smiles, and puts a hand on my shoulder. "You'll be participating in the age old tradition of acting! You'd make the perfect little pony."
Ashfnfgjggh. Ghraaaaa. I hate it when she tries to charm me. She's only teasing me anyway. She's only into women. I hate even more that it works.
"Fine! Fine! Miranda's Joy comes on in the second scene, so we have to go now!"
Make up was a blur. Tosen Jordan helps prepare me while Fuji fits an old tail wig and ear covers that had been used for some production in years past. They're meant for disguising another equine's natural hair and ear color, but with a bit of effort and modification the tail clips on and ears slot in.
I look in the mirror and don't see myself. Or rather I do. I have played plenty of parts in the past, certainly played across gender lines, but never acted as an equine. It feels like a transgression, a perversion. But seeing my tail swish behind me as I walk, its soft chestnut color reflects the light and makes me feel like I'm glimmering. Hopefully the students won't think Mr. White, the silly acting teacher, is insulting them. They'll only see the character. And I can be Miranda's Joy for a few hours.
And she will be radiant.
Okay, first scene, done. You can do this. Fuji's walking off, the boat crash sequence went perfectly. Our eyes meet, briefly. She gives me a nod. Nothing more needs to be said.
T.M. Opera O takes up the role of Prospero, surveilling the destruction she wrought. He wrought. T.M Opera O is your dad now. Miranda's Joy's dad. Fuck, just go. Run!
Entering the stage feels like walking into another plane of existence. What is happening? The magic of theatre always feels a bit stronger when an equine is my scene partner, so if the whole cast is equine, the effect must be amplified.
I don't feel like Mark White staring at T.M. Opera O. I feel like Miranda's Joy, on a beach, watching a squall commanded by my father sink a ship. I can feel the sand in my toes, I can flick my ears to hear the surf crashing into the shore. I smell the salt, and sand, and the greenery of my deserted island. I feel the tears welling in my eyes as I beg my father to calm his terrible tempest. He holds out his wizards staff and looks at me.
"OH HO HO HO!" Okay. Maybe I'm not totally transported to another place.
After father finishes recounting the tale of how we had arrived on this desert isle, he looks off in the distance. I try to follow his eye line but, then he commands me to sleep. A heavy drowsiness overtakes my body and before I know what is happening I'm out cold.
You're a fucking joke.
Stop playing pretend!
Just because you're wearing the clothes doesn't make you anything more than a freak.
I'm at home. Middle of nothing-town Ohio. Me and my friends would make little videos all the time. They always laughed the hardest when I played an equine. Trent never laughed though. I thought he was a real friend. He was kind. He'd show me cool fishing spots, and bridges we could jump off, and sometimes I would steal a beer from my parents and we'd share it. And when I told him about… my thoughts about myself and how I felt about him… he said he'd beat the shit out of me if I brought it up again.
I pop in an old tape. I don't know what's on it, but when I see myself wearing that fake tail, the smile on my face is real.
"Awake, dear heart, awake! thou hast slept well; Awake!" I roll over, urgh I need a second, my head throbs. An uncomfortable amount of time passes.
Shit. It's my line. Back to reality. The beach is gone, the glimmer repealed. I can see the audience, all their dark faces watching, judging me for thinking I can appear in front of them like this. Opera O is staring. Say your damn line! Just get it over with.
"The strangeness of your story put Heaviness in me."
Someone in the audience coughs.
Damn it.
The scene continues on without me, I had no lines for a bit, but I try to remain engaged. Opera is doing just fine without me slowing down her scenes.
Then a prince strides on stage, and suddenly reality is righting itself. I'm back on the beach, seeing the most handsome boy. His clothes are wet, so anyone can see his perfect chest. His abs rippled. Somewhere in the back of my mind I recognize that this is Fuji Kiseki in a binder and make up, but that thought is quiet. I need to bear his children.
What the fuck brain.
The Bard gives me the words that my mind lacked.
"A thing divine, for nothing natural I ever saw so noble."
He smiles at me. Wow he's so fucking hot. Oh, he's talking. He's so funny! And sweet. And charming.
"My prime request, which I do last pronounce, is," He paused, and takes me in. His eyes are so blue. I feel giddy. "O you wonder! If you be maid or no?"
You can't ask a girl that! He knows he's being cheeky, so a response in kind.
"No wonder, sir; But certainly a maid."
He stops fawning over me so the plot can go forward but holy shit. I want to do this every night.
As I step off stage, the wings come back into focus. The stage hands are staring at me. The ears on my head suddenly feel so fake. I pull them off and run to the bathroom. For a second, I panic. Which one do I go in? Looking like this? Thankfully the backstage bathroom is all-gender. And not a second too late.
I lose my lunch down the toilet. I want to be back on stage. I want to be her right now. It hurts so much. I can't stop the flood of emotions. I dry heave into the toilet again. A knock at the door.
"Mark? Are you okay in there?" I sigh and drag myself away from the toilet.
"Hey Fuj." Wait, forgot to actually answer her. "I'm good."
I open the bathroom door, and Fuji's easy demeanor shifts. Damn it, I've made her concerned. "Are you… is something wrong? You look exhausted."
Deflect! Talk about the other weird thing! "Holy shit Fuj, I've never done a play with all equine performers. Your aura, I felt like I was actually on the beach you know? I'm still looking for sand in my shoes."
Fuji smirks, a damn fine smile. "Interesting… hmm. You know, that's a bit of a shared secret among us. Only umamusume can see the world like that."
I laugh. "No, but I could see it." But I could see it. Why is she still smiling?
She rubs my hair, then pops my ears back on. "Come on little pony, let's go sit on our phones in the green room until the next act." I blush, but I let her lead me out.
Act three begins, and Fuji takes center stage for a monologue. T.M. Opera O and I wait in the wings for our cue line. The centurial overlord looks at me, sizing me up. I don't want to speak, Fuji is fucking crushing it, but Opera is already leaning over.
"You have brought our art to a new plane of thought! As long as you're in the zone, the world is in the palm of your hand." It sounds like shouting, but her stage whisper is just that loud. Every uma in the audience can probably hear her, which like, rude. No time to respond before our cue, and I'm walking onto the stage and—
I'm back on the island. Father has imprisoned this poor prince. The man is gathering firewood for us. Wow, he is… sweating so much. He sweat all the way through his shirt. Goddesses damn it, it's like the water all over again but somehow different. What does boy sweat smell like, I wonder? I bite my finger and grin.
Maybe… he could rest a while. With me. I beckon him closer. His hair is short, curly. Black. I want to run my hands through it, breathe it in. Oh! I'll carry the logs for him! I am an equine after all.
"Pray give me that, I'll add it to the pile." And with that, I grab the two massive logs he struggled to drag half across the beach and hoist them over my shoulder. It feels good to show off my strength. Maybe I can… I kneel, and indicate my left arm. The prince immediately understands and climbs atop the log. I carry him and the logs to their destination, then set them all down. He's impressed! Eee! He offers to brush my tail. Father would be against this but I can't care less. I feel it. I feel his delicate fingers working out the tangles. It is electrifying.
We chat for a while, I tell him about my life in solitude while he plays with my tail. I lay against his chest, and look up at his eyes. He finishes talking about… whatever. It doesn't matter. He matters. "Do you love me?" I cover my mouth, but the words have already slipped out. I sit up, embarrassed, but he slides up next to me.
"I beyond all limit of what else i' the world, do love," he turned my face to his.
"Prize," he kisses my forehead.
"And honor you." He lets go. My hand touches the spot that his lips had just left. I can feel my heart in my throat, my eyes fill with tears. He loves me, he could love someone like me, an equine girl alone and scared.
"I am a fool, to weep at what I am glad of." Something is wrong. Wrong. He can't love me. Nothing could love the hole in my chest, the void that is covered by the mask of a person that I am. Reality shatters again. I keep ruining the show. Goddesses. Please.
"Wherefore weep you?" Fuji says to me. She looks as beautiful as the prince. I touch the spot where she kissed again, just to prove it was real.
"At mine unworthiness." There are more lines. But I cannot speak them. I choke, and cry more. I have to go. Now. Opera O and Fuji can finish the scene without me.
Exit stage left.
I skip the next act. I only have one line— no. I have no lines. This isn't my part. I should have stayed in America. But I just had to go to Japan, fall in love with the art scene here, and make friends with a rising equine star who happened to be attending a class I was teaching. I was barely her senior, but the studio was looking to hire cheap student teachers willing to be exploited. And of course I would have done anything to remain. Now five years later I'm still here, with better working conditions because of my friends, no contact from family, and still working as an actor because I've had so much practice hiding who I am inside.
I'm standing outside, watching the night sky. Tracen shelled out the big bucks to build this theater. I've made my way to the front, the glass door to my right leading to the lobby. There's a marquee and everything. T.M. Opera O is credited first, but Fuji is up there.
"Hey." I turn and see Fuj exit the building to stand with me. She flicks her hand and a bottle of water appears in it. I take it, thankful to have something to do with my hands. "You did great up there."
I scoff. "What are you talking about? I ruined the play. I made you and Opera improvise. In prose." I turn away, embarrassed.
"Opera O has improvised over everything, we were fine." I feel Fuj's hand on my shoulder. "We put out a five minute hold."
My eyes bug out. "You stopped the show? No, you can't— the audience will—"
"Will be fine. You're more important." Suddenly I feel arms around me and a strong boy is holding me so gently in his powerful arms.
"I'm not. I don't matter." It's getting harder to breathe.
"It was nice to meet you." She whispers in my ear.
I start to cry. "There is no other me. Whatever you thought I was on the stage was only a ghost. Something I should have left behind long ago."
"She's real." Fuj puts a hand on my chin and I let her guide our eyes together. Hers sparkle. Mine are empty.
"It's just an act." I weakly insist.
"If it's just an act, how did you carry those logs and me?" I sputter. What is she talking about? I followed stage directions, that's all. "Pick me up."
"Fuj—" I want to keep crying but she won't let me.
"Right now!" And she kicks her legs up. I desperately try to grab them but damn it. I can barely hold her weight. I stumble and collapse with her on top of me. She lands on my diaphragm and I double over. I need a minute to get breath back in me. Fuji waits patiently while I collect myself. She rubs my hair. "Where did all that strength go?"
"It— wasn't—," I gasp — "it wasn't real. It just… looked that way for a moment." But even I knew that wasn't true. For those audience members it was truth. For my scene partner it really happened.
"Can you make it through the ending?" Fuj's big blue eyes beg me to say yes. "For me?" Who am I to refuse?
"Of course." I take her hand and she pulls me to my feet. "You know, you make a really cute boy."
She stops. I can see her face turning redder than a tomato. She suddenly pulls me close and before I know what's even going on her lips meet mine and I'm in heaven. I close my eyes and for a moment, even without the stage lights and the set and the other actors around, I feel my tail wrap around her or him, pulling us together. I feel my ears atop my head flutter as Fuji or Ferdinand adjusts and kisses me again, deeper.
The moment passes. And my tail falls to my back. Just a fake. But I can make it real. I giggle. "You— you stud!"
She laughs too. "You don't make a bad mare yourself." ahhhfhffhdhdb "The show must go on! Quick!" We turn and see we are not alone. Half the cast snuck into the lobby and is currently watching us make out. Oh my goddess. No time to feel embarrassed. Push those thoughts down and get going!
The last scene plays out beautifully. I don't leave my prince's side, and he doesn't leave mine. We exit, and its okay that I'm back to being… me. Because I was her. And even if Moon Rivers comes back tomorrow night to reclaim her part, I have tonight. I almost forget to take my bows, but Fuji drags me on stage. We get a fair amount of applause, nothing compared to Opera O. Bye dad, nice being your daughter for the night.
Backstage, the cast has me pinned in the corner. McQueen wants to know how I acted like that, Digital wants to know what Fuji's lips taste like, Pocket asks me the same thing after I dodge Digital's question.
The ear covers are starting to bother me, so I pull them off and there's a collective gasp, followed by silence. I slowly reach up to the crown of my head and touch something fluffy. Fuji cuts through the crowd of actors and grabs my hand. She pulls me and we start to run. Back on to the stage, where I can be myself. I feel my tail swishing again.
But I'm not on the island. The stage lights are already off and most of the patrons have already filed out. My bare feet feel the wood of the apron. My ears hear people whispering about me. My tail, real live tail swishes with joy. This is my moment. "Hey!"
Those left in the crowd look up at me, slightly confused that the show is still going on.
"My name is Rewrite the Plot!" I pause. I look at Fuji's hand, then back to the audience. "And I'm in love with Fuji Kiseki!" I can see members of the audience roll their eyes. Another declaration for Fuji, that's all this is to them.
But for me, it's how I started my life.