Chapter Text
All his life, Eddie felt like he wasn't enough.
Not enough for his parents.
Not enough for God.
Not enough for anyone.
It started when he was seven years old. He'd joined ballroom dancing after his older sister had done it for several years.
Eddie got really good at it.
Winning competitions, cash prizes, trips to expensive hotels. But his parents had ruined it for him.
Eddie mentioned when he was ten years old that he didn't have the same passion he'd used to.
His mom had yelled.
"Dios Edmundo, so disappointing. We do all this for you, and you want to go and quit."
The look on his mom's face showed him everything he needed to know.
He pictured that face every time he came short.
Any time he didn't place in his competitions.
He'd look into the stands and see his Mom and Dad, shaking their heads. "The judges were blind", they'd say.
Every test he got less than a B on.
He would go home with his report cards in his backpack and cry in his room, terrified of what his mom would think when he got marked down.
Bad grades usually came with a belting.
It wasn't that he was scared of.
It was his parents disappointment.
That same year, when his mom went into labor, Eddie had crashed a car trying to bring his mom to the hospital.
His dad took him outside the delivery room and yelled.
And then there was the church.
Eddie felt disappointing in every sense to God.
Any time he forgot to pray or couldn't focus on the sermons.
It only got worse with time. He'd ruined every relationship he'd been in. Pulling away before anyone got too close to him. And then regretting it.
It happened with Shannon, with Ana, with everyone.
And the guilt when Shannon died had destroyed him.
Eddie couldn't let himself love anyone again.
Until Buck.
Eddie had know it for a long time.
He didn't know how long, or when he really first realized it.
Maybe it was when Buck got struck by lightning and his heart had stopped for more than three minutes.
Or maybe he'd loved Buck since he met him.
Whatever or whenever it was, he knew.
But this, this was the thing that put Eddie over the edge.
Loving his best friend. That was the thing that he wouldn't come back from.
Any time his parents had been disappointed before, being with a man would be so much worse.
But Eddie was getting ahead of himself.
Buck didn't love him. He couldn't.
But there was a small part of him that thought there was a chance.
The way Buck brushed his hand and lingered there for an extra second when they were together.
The way they'd bump shoulders while walking.
The way Buck was always worried about Eddie. Always asked if he was okay. Always could tell if something was wrong.
So there was that.
But...
thinking of himself as gay?
Being that much of a disappointment.
That was what stopped him every time.
Oh he'd thought about it. A lot. Cried about it. Prayed about it.
But there was nothing, ever, that could make him start thinking about confessing to his best friend.
Until.
Of course Hen had to get involved.
It was a regular day at work. They'd all just sat down for a quick breakfast.
Today some of them would be helping to train the new class of firefighters until noon. The others would go out on jobs.
They ate, laughing, talking, and joking. Eddie loved the way they could come back after a rough shift and have eachother. Chimney had just knocked over a glass of water onto Ravi, calling it "newbie luck."
It wasn't like Ravi was some "newbie", he'd been with them for years. But they'd carried on the joke for just as long.
Somewhere during the conversation, Hen got unusually quiet.
Then Hen looked at Eddie.
And Eddie looked at Buck.
And Buck looked at Eddie.
And Hen looked at Buck looking at Eddie.
And then Hen looked away.
It was small. But Hen was never quiet. And Eddie picked up on it. He loved Hen like a sister. And he knew when she was thinking. But he let it slide.
After breakfast, Buck and Ravi headed out to help with training, which left Eddie, Hen, and Chimney at work.
"Eddie! Come here a sec"
Eddie looked at Hen who was over by the truck, restocking their medicine.
He walked over.
"Hey Hen, what's up?"
"Ive uh- been meaning to ask you something. And you can say no, or that you don't want to talk about it, and that's okay."
"Okayyyy, hit me"
"You and Buck."
Fuck.
"What about us?"
He knew what it was about though. Hen always noticed the little things. She never pried, but she'd noticed. And if Hen could tell how Eddie felt about Buck...
"Listen Eddie. I think- I think Buck is into you. I mean he loves you Eddie."
Woah. Not what he was expecting.
"You don't see the way he looks at you when you aren't watching, or how he talks about you when you're not around. I mean... he's bisexual, you know that. I just think-
never mind."
Hen started to pull away.
"Wait n-no Hen, tell me."
Her eyes lit up.
"He likes you Eddie. And I can't tell but- I think you like him too. And I could be totally wrong."
Eddie stared.
What.
Was he... that obvious?
And what would he tell Hen?
She was his best friend but there were some things that could only go unsaid.
But...
Maybe she could help?
And she had gone through this herself, hadn't she?
She looked down.
"Hen I- yes."
She instantly looked stunned.
"You... yes?"
"Yes. I like him. But what you said about him liking me, I just- don't think he does."
His voice cracked.
Why was he about to cry?
"Eddie"
She pulled him into a hug.
She could see how much this had weighed on him.
"I'm no expert- well, I kind of am, but I know Buck. And I know that he loves you, Eddie. And if that's something you're ready to tell him, then great, and if not, you will when it's the right time. Trust me."
Eddie took a step back.
"Thank you."
"Anytime"
Hen grinned and walked away.
Out of all the people at the 118, he knew that he could trust her with this the most.