Work Text:
“You have everything? Need to pee again?”
The purple haired male shook his head softly as he let himself flop down on the passenger seat in the metallic blue BMW, one hand instinctively coming to rest on his belly as he fasted his seat belt with his other hand.
Even if he'd waddle all the way back into their house and to the bathroom now, he'd need to pee in at least an hour again anyway.
“Okay. Just tell me if you need so we can make a stop. You got something to snack here in the front?”
It was strange.
Their conservations had never lived from Kaiser's input but these days Ness had been more and more lost in his thoughts.
He appreciated that his fiancé was trying despite all those circumstances but in the end it was like he was just dancing around the subject, pretending that they weren't going to Berlin for another doctor's appointment.
“Lexi.”
A big hand came to rest on the younger's thigh, squeezing it gently as it did ever so often when they were driving somewhere but this time just the weight of the touch felt different.
“This is a chance, hm? We're going there because it's a chance for her.”
The alpha forced a smile on his beautiful face but Alexis could see right through him, read him like an open book and stare at the thin, trembling thread of hope Michael was holding so desperately onto.
He was right, it was a chance for her.
They'd drive the long six hours ride from Munich to Berlin to meet a specialist that'd maybe or maybe not give their unborn daughter another chance.
But why should it go differently now after hearing so many times that they'd never even get the chance to meet their daughter alive?
Why would someone suddenly say something when the diagnosis hadn't changed?
“You're right, Micha.”
The omega lifted his gaze to meet his mate's blue eyes as he rested his hands on his round belly, finger nails buried deep in his palm to distract him from the feeling of dying internally.
“Maybe they can find a way to help her.”
Getting pregnant hadn't actually been on Ness’ bingo card for that year if he was being honest but it hadn't been an unpleasant surprise. They were mated for three years now and after getting engaged the year prior, the timing of their little one hadn't been too bad.
Of course Alexis would have wished to get married before having his first child so they could welcome the little addition to their family while all carrying the same last name but sometimes life finds its own way.
But lately the omega despised himself for thinking like that.
If life truly had a plan for him, why did he have to go through living hell now?
What did he do to deserve this?
And what did his innocent, tiny daughter do to be punished like that?
“And you're really.. ready for this? Are you really okay with that?”
Alexis wondered as dragged his fingers slowly through the older's blonde hair, occasionally twisting a longer strand and playing with the blue tips.
“I don't think there's ever a state of being completely ready for parenthood, hm? It's a first for the both of us but yeah.. We're in this together, right? And you have the way harder part for now, I'll just be here and.. do this.”
The cutest giggle escaped the omega when his mate lifted his head from his chest just to lean down and pepper the younger's still flat tummy with little kisses.
Despite knowing and loving Kaiser for so many years now, children hadn't ever really been a topic for them.
They both didn't have the best childhood but there had surely been a difference in their personal experience with having parents so Alexis had never dared to think deeper about what it'd be if they'd have a baby of their own together.
He didn't want to scare his loved one with the thought of being put in the role of that person who had nearly killed him all those years ago. But who'd have thought that Michael would actually be.. excited for their pup?
Sure, it had been a shock at first for the both of them. Not knowing how Kaiser was thinking about children hadn't really made it easier at first to let the alpha know about the unplanned pregnancy.
But they had talked it through like adults and had decided together to choose this adventure even though Ness had needed a long time to understand that.
“Micha?”
“Hm?”
Alexis couldn't help but smile softly at his loved one when Kaiser looked up, cheek still squished on the younger's chest and his hand resting protectively over the small curve on his omega's belly.
“What if.. what if it's a boy?”
A boy looking exactly like his alpha father?
“What kind of question is that, Lexi? Do you think that.. it'd change anything?”
Yeah, he did. He did think that if Kaiser had to look at his childhood self for the rest of his life, of a mini version of him living a way he should have lived as a child as well, it'd change anything.
Obviously not purposely but Alexis knew that his fiancé was smart enough and had read enough psychology books to know that it would be doing something to him subconsciously.
A trauma wasn't something to move on from as one got older.
It had just moved into the basement in a box eventually like something forgotten as his life had progressed, it wasn't as present anymore in every minute of his life after learning that living meant more than wanting to die.
But it was still there, waiting in the dark to get picked up and brought to light when you couldn't influence it.
“I don't know, I was just thinking.. You know, the pregnancy just makes me tired, I don't even know what I'm saying anymore.”
Alexis tried to laugh it off as he brushed the blonde bangs from his loved one's forehead but Michael wasn't buying it. He could tell that this wasn't just nonsense coming from the exhaustion, it was something his fiancé had been genuinely worrying about for a while now.
“No matter how they'll be, we'll work it out together. I promise you, Lexi. I just want them to be healthy, that's everything I care about.”
It had been easy to say those words so optimistically back then.
As long as they're healthy, the rest doesn't matter.
But the cruel reality had reached them soon enough, shattering this fragile dream of their family they had just started to allow themselves to dream.
At Ness’ 20 weeks check up, his doctor had found something on their daughter's heart.
A malformation, a severe congenital heart defect.
Because of her size and position it has been difficult to detect this defect earlier during the ultrasound sessions and in the first months her heartbeat had been strong and regular, no sign of an abnormality.
And just like that, from one moment to another, nothing had been like it was before.
What did this mean?
Would she have to take medication for the rest of her life?
Would she have to undergo a surgery after being born?
“I'm very sorry to tell you this but your baby's prognosis is not good. Over the past three weeks the heart has already begun to swell, a clear sign that it is struggling to keep the blood flowing through the body how it is supposed to.
The only way to correct this is by surgery but right now your baby is simply too small, it's not even possible to get a clear picture of how well-developed the blood vessels are right now.
For this sort of surgery your baby has to reach a certain state of development so the surgeons can see what they're operating on but right now the heart is simply too small.”
Alexis hadn't even noticed when the first tears had begun to run down his chubby cheeks, leaving dark spots on the fabric stretching over his baby bump.
His hand was tightly intertwined with his fiancé's for comfort but instead of a little reassurance, everything he felt was the tight squeeze as Kaiser fought with his own tears too.
“When can she.. When is she big enough for the surgery? How much longer?”
It was the way Michael's voice cracked in the middle that finally pushed Alexis over the edge, a muffled sob disappearing in his sleeve as he pressed his sweater paw against his mouth to stop himself from screaming.
This wasn't fair. None of this was fair.
There was a reason the doctor hadn't started this talk with possible options. Instead he had already mentioned the bad prognosis of their daughter's state of health.
“Minimum 27 weeks. The problem is that your child needs to be born extremely premature with such a condition and has to undergo immediate surgery. That means a lot of stress, anesthesia and a very risky surgery on a very fragile body. But considering the development of the heart condition over the past three weeks..
I think your baby will be too weak for that in four weeks. It's better to start thinking about whether you want to let them pass on their own or decide to discontinue the pregnancy.”
While the rest of that day had vanished in a blur, the memories of how they had gotten out of the examination room and back home with a new set of ultrasound pictures of their little girl barely existent, Alexis remembered the feeling of his whole world falling apart clearly.
How he had cried and screamed in his husband's arms, both of them kneeling on the floor in their kitchen and unable to process anything they had heard earlier.
How he had felt as if he was dying, his whole body in a state of pure agony at the memory of the doctor's words.
‘It's better to start thinking about whether you want to let them pass on their own or decide to discontinue the pregnancy.’
How could their little girl be so seriously ill when she was right there, wriggling and squirming around right under his heart and trying to comfort her parents with her little kicks?
How could she be in such a bad state when she was still moving around so happily, probably not even understanding that she was the reason for her parents’ heartbreaking cries?
“We'll go to the next doctor. We'll get a second opinion and a third, I don't care how long it takes. We'll.. W-we'll find someone who can help her e-earlier.. We'll f-find someone, Lexi..”
Kaiser had sniffled as he had cradled his mate to his chest, wet cheek pressed against the younger's head as they had their hands rested over their daughter's current home to feel her being alive.
“W-we're not giving up on y-you, little pretzel.”
Alone hearing that adorable and at the same time ridiculous nickname they had given their daughter after the second ultrasound simply because she had presented herself all tangled up, her tiny limbs everywhere like a pretzel in the making, felt like someone was stabbing a knife right through the omega's chest and twisting it to make it extra painful.
The dream of calling her that in the future, the dream of the little girl with light purple hair and blue eyes giggling so cutely at being called this nickname and then immediately falling into her parents’ awaiting arms, was beginning to wither.
Were they even going to get to see her grow up?
But Kaiser stayed true to his words, they wouldn't stop searching until they found someone who could help their daughter.
Every doctor around Munich specializing in newborn treatment and heart surgery had told them it wasn't possible so they were going to Berlin now to meet yet another specialist who might give their pup a chance.
The problem was that time was running out though.
It's been four weeks since the official diagnosis and their daughter's heart condition was continuing to get worse, her heart swelling more and more each day from the work overload while her growth as a little person had begun to stagnate.
And while Michael had found a tiny bit of optimism somewhere deep inside of him, Alexis couldn't help but think that the answer they'd get would be the same as they had gotten from all the other doctors before.
Why should the answer be different this time when nothing about their baby's condition had changed for the better?
But his alpha had insisted. The Berlin charité hospital had some of the best surgeons in the whole country when it came to such complicated surgeries on premature babies so maybe, just maybe.. they'd give the go to perform the surgery earlier despite their little girl's size.
Maybe she wasn't going to reach the 27th week mark in a condition safe for a heart surgery but what if..
What if they found the right surgeon with enough expertise who'd perform the surgery at least a week earlier?
But it was hard to give in to this tiny hope when it was so highly unlikely. Ness didn't want to get his heart crushed again so he preferred to stay neutral, no expectations but his little daughter being always on his mind.
Feeling her little wriggles inside his belly, how she shifted occasionally whenever her mama would run his hand over his baby bump, made him want to keep her like this forever.
She was supposed to stay in there for another 16 weeks and be born completely healthy and strong in December. But instead her biggest chance to survive was actually being born three months earlier if this chance actually existed.
Kaiser couldn't help but bite his lip as a soft sigh escaped him when his gaze trailed to his fiancé in the passenger seat, his heart stinging at the way Alexis absentmindedly caressed his swollen belly as he stared outside of the window.
He missed the way Ness had always smiled so brightly whenever he had felt their daughter move, he missed the way his mate had glowed from happiness about the future he was carrying.
After finding out that he was pregnant, the omega had often spoken about how he'd imagine their future with their pup.
How they'd cradle her to sleep in the rocking chair in her nursery they had worked on with so much love, how they'd teach her how to play soccer if she was interested in it or how they'd celebrate their very first Christmas together with her.
But after the diagnosis, all those images had disappeared from the younger's mind and had gotten replaced by all sorts of tragic outcomes.
It will never be like he had imagined, no matter what.
Arriving in Berlin felt strange.
This city held a lot of memories, especially for Kaiser and he'd have never expected to return to this place with hope, a feeling he had never felt in Berlin before.
Driving down the long street up to the victory column and passing one of Berlin's famous landmarks like that didn't really give him a feeling of arriving at home but their destination was so close now, the charité hospital campus.
And Alexis finally tore his gaze from the window for the first time in the past hour when his fiancé reached over to grab his hand and gave it a gentle squeeze.
There was no need for words, both of them lost in their own thoughts and at the same time still thinking about the same little human they were doing all of this for.
“They'll help her, I'm sure about that.”
They at least wanted to examine their baby again to get a better view of her condition even after seeing the results from all the other doctors, that was a good thing, right?
But again Alexis could only force a painful smile, unable to hide that he couldn't believe his mate's words.
All he truly wanted was to believe that his daughter would be okay but what if he dared to give into this hope? What if she wasn't going to make it despite the hope?
Ness wasn't sure if he'd survive that.
“Are you ready?”
Kaiser helped his loved one out of the car and immediately intertwined his hand with the younger's, his other hand instinctively reaching up to brush an eyelash from his fiancé's soft cheek.
Maybe it was the way the alpha's hand rested on his mate's skin for a second too long, maybe it was the way he looked at him with so much conflict in his eyes that made Alexis look up at him as he took a step closer.
“We won't lose this fight, love. We're not going to give up on her just like that, she's a fighter, right little pretzel?”
Kaiser smiled softly as he placed his hand on his mate's round belly but their daughter stayed quiet.
“This long trip will be worth it, trust me.”
But the omega could only close his beautiful eyes and hide the tears in them when his mate leaned in to rest his forehead against Ness’, his rose scent enveloping them for a brief moment.
“Micha..”
“Hm?”
“I..”
Those ice blue eyes, so full of worry.
He couldn't say it.
“I hope they can help her.”
“I understand why the other doctors you have consulted before have said a surgery is basically impossible before the 27th week, the fetus is not growing as fast because of the heart defect. You're 24 weeks along but your baby has the size of a fetus at 21 weeks of pregnancy.
That means it's extremely difficult to perform surgery because of the small blood vessels, you could say your baby's heart is the size of a big grape right now. I guess you can imagine how hard it'd be to fix such a severe malformation without accidentally causing fatal damage. However..”
It was exactly like all those doctor's appointments before.
Ness had heard it all before. The small heart, the small blood vessels, the way his daughter's heart malformation kept her from growing at a pace a healthy baby would.
Maybe it was a mistake to come here.
“Lexi.”
Alexis immediately looked up when his fiancé squeezed his hand, Michael's eyes suddenly shining from an information his mate hadn't even bothered to hear, already too lost in his thoughts again.
“I'd like to try to perform the surgery earlier than in the 27th week. I will be honest with you, this will be your baby's only chance and the risk is extremely high. Judging by the fetus’ condition now and the way their condition had developed the past four weeks, I agree that it'll be impossible to perform the surgery if we wait for another three weeks.
We don't know how much your baby will grow in those three weeks so there is no guarantee they'll be developed enough by then for a less risky surgery. But her condition will undoubtedly be too bad, I don't think your baby would survive even the anesthesia. Such a weak heart can't support a birth, anesthesia and a difficult surgery, it's simply too much stress.”
He knew that it was a good thing, the doctors were going to give it a try unlike all those others.
But Alexis couldn't help but hide his face in his hands as the first tears ran down his chubby cheeks, the words of the doctor echoing in his mind. Such a weak heart can't support a birth, anesthesia and a difficult surgery.
“Lexi, it's okay.”
Kaiser hesitantly placed a hand on his mate's back and rubbed it gently, not really bothering what the doctor thought. Anyone judging the omega in this situation would be absolutely heartless.
“We'll aim for the 26th week instead, that's the earliest we can do. I know a week doesn't sound like a lot but we need to choose the moment with the smallest risk we can get, the middle between the fetus’ body needing to grow more and the declining heart.
That indicates daily monitoring of your baby's heart condition and your own health, Mr Ness. We'll keep you here for that and find a nice room where you can stay with your partner to keep your stress level as small as possible.”
Two more weeks until the surgery then.
And without being prepared for that, they'd suddenly had to stay in Berlin until the right day would come for their daughter to meet the world. Forcefully, with no other option than that.
“I do want to make this clear again. This isn't a guarantee, your baby is very sick and a premature birth so early is always a huge risk even for healthy babies. But I want to give your baby at least a chance, it's the only option we have. If we don't try, there'd have never even been a chance.”
There were so many risks, so many things that made Alexis’ mama instinct scream no.
He was not supposed to give birth so early, especially not via c-section under full anesthesia.
He wouldn't even be able to see or hold his newborn little girl because they'd immediately bring her to another surgery room to get her ready for the life-saving heart surgery.
But just the thought of his tiny pup, his little pretzel, on a big surgery table and surrounded by surgeons who cut her open scared him endlessly.
But what choice did he have?
It was the only option they had and he wanted for his baby to live, he wanted to spend the rest of his life watching her grow and thrive.
So they'd have to take the risk, they'd have to hold onto this last straw of hope because what else could they do?
His little pretzel shifted slightly under his touch as he ran his hand in calming circles over his swollen belly, feeling the soft fluttering of her tiny feet readjusting as if she was getting ready to take another nice, long nap.
Alexis looked up when a big, tattooed hand covered his hand and stopped it on top of the baby bump just to give it a gentle squeeze.
“Love.”
The omega hadn't even noticed that the doctor had already left, he must have gotten so lost in his thoughts that he had not even managed to say goodbye.
“That's good news, isn't it? We came here hoping for that and.. they'll do the surgery. They'll give her the chance we've been fighting for.”
But why didn't Michael's voice sound so full of hope anymore as on their way here? Why did this not feel like a win?
“Micha.. What if.. What if she won't reach the 26th week?”
Alexis hesitantly looked up from his belly, tears dripping down his cheeks when his mate cupped his face.
“I.. I don't know.. But I.. I want s-so badly to meet her.. I w-want her to b-be okay..”
A soft sob escaped the alpha as he held onto his loved one's hand, his heart cracking even more when he felt their daughter move lightly.
“If we.. if we as her parents don't believe.. that she has a chance..
Who else will?”
“Papa will be back in no time, little pretzel. But I need to get your little bunny and some clothes for you for when we can finally go home together, hm? And your mama also needs some clothes to change too, right?”
Kaiser pressed another soft kiss on the stretched skin of his mate's belly as he lightly caressed the underside of Alexis’ baby bump.
Just the idea of getting separated from his fiancé had made the omega so upset already but he knew that Michael was right. They hadn't come to Berlin prepared to stay here for minimum two more weeks and especially not for hopefully going back home with their daughter eventually.
And although she'd most likely be too tiny for all the onesies her parents had gotten her, they still wanted to have her little blanket and bunny plushie ready for her when she'd meet the world.
“Papa loves you so much, you know? Rest a lot and be nice to your mama, okay? Don't do anything silly.”
Kaiser smiled softly as he nuzzled the baby bump again and placed a final goodbye kiss on his fiancé's belly before he pulled the younger's shirt back down.
“She'll miss you. And I'll miss you too.”
There was a soft pout on the younger's face as he smoothed the fabric of his shirt over his belly before he looked up, using his best puppy eyes to maybe change the older's mind.
He didn't want to stay here alone, even if it was just for a few hours.
The thought of something happening to their daughter while Kaiser wasn't here was absolutely terrifying.
“Lexi..”
A soft sigh escaped the alpha before he leaned forward to press a soft kiss first on the younger's forehead and another sweet peck on his mate's lips.
“I'll be back as fast as I can, I promise.”
There was a reason Kaiser had even booked plane tickets, he hadn't cared about the price as long as it meant he'd be back at the hospital and by his mate's side as fast as possible. He'd fly to Munich, grab all the essentials they'd need and immediately fly back to Berlin.
“I know..”
But the unsettling feeling stayed, even when the alpha called him to tell him he had arrived safely in Munich and would now proceed to collect everything they had decided they'd need in the next weeks, for them both and for their little daughter.
Maybe it was the way their little pretzel had grown completely quiet after her father had left, not really giving her mama a sign and giving Alexis the scare of his life like this.
And only after another ultrasound and now a constantly fixed heart monitoring scan on the omega's belly, he could finally feel himself relax a bit.
It's been a day since he had been admitted to the hospital and so far there hadn't been any change in their pup's condition. Which was a good thing, every day where her heart wasn't declining more was a good day and meant they were one day closer to the earliest possible surgery window.
But of course it didn't stay that way.
“The heart is enlarging faster than expected. I can see clearly here that it's struggling to stay effective and on this monitoring result that with the worsening cardiac function, the blood flow is getting worse as well but it also shows the first signs of arrhythmias. This means that the heart is in a massive overwhelm and really struggling now, such arrhythmias are extremely dangerous.”
They were so close.
They were only one more week away from the first possible surgery date.
“The fetus also hasn't grown much in the past week because of that condition and if you look closely, we can see small fluid collections already. We'll continue to monitor you closely to observe your baby's development but truth to be told, it's not looking very good.
Once hydrops begins, the collection of fluids inside the body, it's a clear sign that the heart is starting to fail and will start to damage other organs because of the poor blood flow.”
Even at the soft squeeze of his hand, Ness still couldn't tear his gaze from the monitor that showed their little girl.
He knew that the moment he'd turn away and look at his mate, look in those ice blue eyes shaking from pain, he'd break down again.
Their very last chance had just slipped away right in front of them.
Their little girl wouldn't be ready for surgery in seven days.
Because every single day her heart was declining a little more, every single day she was a little closer to passing away.
“We're not giving up yet, don't worry. I've worked here long enough to know that sometimes miracles happen but I wouldn't be a good doctor if I wasn't honest with you.”
“H-how.. How high are the chances that you can do.. the surgery?”
Kaiser's voice was quiet, barely a broken whisper as he held onto his fiancé's hand for dear life and turned to the doctor.
“Hard to tell because as I said, the development is quite unpredictable. But judging by what we have observed the past week, I'd say less than ten percent. Your baby is very sick and very weak, Mr Kaiser.”
As if he hadn't known that already.
For the past month they'd been nothing but the parents of that seriously ill child, fighting for something that might have never been a realistic option to begin with.
“I'll give you two some privacy again and discuss the results with my team. Try to rest a bit, Mr Ness.”
But how could he rest peacefully when he had just heard that there was almost no chance anymore for their little girl to ever meet this world alive?
Did this doctor even have any idea about what they were enduring right now?
Alexis couldn't help but bite his lip as he wiped the paper towel over his belly to free himself from the ultrasound gel, his eyes stinging from the tears he was holding back.
While that doctor could just leave this room, walk away and move on to another case, Michael and him were stuck here with the reminder of the reality that was close to crushing him alive.
They would never be able to escape this.
“Micha..”
Their little pretzel had grown quieter, her mama had noticed that for days now.
She wasn't as active anymore and not directly reacting anymore when Alexis would press his fingertips lightly against the stretched skin to get her to move.
She was getting tired.
“Hm?”
And the alpha couldn't hold his tears any longer when his mate hesitantly grabbed his hand to place it on top of his baby bump, resting his own hand over it to keep it in place before he looked up, the first tears dripping down his cheeks.
“She's.. she's not going to get the surgery..”
Alexis whispered, grip tightening on the hand on his belly. The home to their sweet, little pretzel.
“L-lexi..”
He wished he could hold it but just that sentence, so broken but heavy from conviction, made a soft sob break out from the older's mouth before he clasped a hand over it.
“Micha, she's tired. S-she's.. she's barely moving anymore a-and.. everything the doctor said..
What if s-she's in pain?
What if she's suffering w-while we're here waiting for her to get better w-when she.. when she won't ever get any better?”
How could he continue to hold onto something so unrealistic when it meant ignoring his child's suffering?
What kind of mother would he be if he'd ignore his pup's current condition just to hope for something in the future?
“W-what do you mean? Do you.. Do you want to give up?”
“No, I.. I just.. I just want the best for her, Micha. And I..”
“You're not sure if the surgery is the best option for her? Love, it's her only option.”
“Is it even an option? D-do you.. really believe she'll be ready for surgery next week?”
Alexis turned his gaze away from his mate to look back on the hands resting on his belly, how they moved as his belly rose and fell from breathing.
But their little pretzel had not once moved since their hands had been resting on her current home, she hadn't kicked against her papa's palm like she always used to do.
And in that moment Kaiser saw it for the first time, that look on his fiancé's face.
Alexis was starting to let go.
He was not going to fight the truth anymore.
All this time he had been too blinded by his own conviction that there just had to be a way, that this couldn't be the end.
But maybe Alexis was right.
Maybe the surgery wasn't the best for their daughter anymore.
Maybe everything she needed now was to be loved for the rest of the little time she had and to know that she was allowed to go.
She was allowed to go when it got too exhausting, when she got tired of living with her sick, struggling body.
She was allowed to go when her time had come, they wouldn't fight it any longer.
And her parents would be there for her and love her through it all.
So they went back home, back to Munich.
Not because they gave up on their little girl but because it was the right decision.
The doctors had agreed with them and had let them know that it was the right decision, only a day after the couple's talk their daughter's state of health had officially made a surgery impossible.
The drive back to Munich had been quiet, both of them deeply lost in their thoughts while Kaiser's hand had not once let go of his fiancé’s.
While they had decided on this path together, it was still hard to fully accept that this was the end of it now.
No more fighting, no more hoping.
They'd just wait for their daughter's heart to decline until one day she eventually wouldn't wake up anymore.
‘It's hard to tell if fetuses can feel pain or not but we do know that at this stage of development the neural systems required for conscious pain perception are not fully developed yet. That means if a fetus dies because the heart can no longer support blood circulation, the process is often thought to resemble a gradual loss of oxygen delivery rather than a traumatic injury. As oxygen levels fall, brain activity would eventually decrease and cease.’
She was not going to be in pain, she'll just fall into a deep slumber. And she won't wake up again.
The little bunny plushie Kaiser had even brought to Berlin with some other stuff for Ness and their daughter was sitting on top of the younger's baby bump, resting against his chest as if it was soaking up the little time it got together with its owner it'd never get to meet.
The bunny plushie had been one of the first things they had bought after finding out they were expecting. It had been there almost from the beginning, silently watching how their biggest dream had turned into a complete nightmare.
And when they finally reached their home, Ness brought the bunny to their bedroom instead of placing it back into the little crib in the nursery.
It's been a long day and an exhausting week, coming home and being greeted by the comforting scent of his own strawberry scent mixing with Kaiser's rose scent felt like a warm hug he hadn't realized he needed so badly.
He had missed their home.
The privacy, the feeling of safety and familiarity and the comfort of this place.
“Do you want to take a bath? I'll make dinner in the meantime.”
Michael pressed a soft kiss on the younger's temple when Alexis turned to him, looking a bit unsure about what to do now.
Yeah, what do they do now?
“I'm not really hungry. I think I'll just shower and go to bed, I'm pretty tired..”
“Okay, love. Anything else I can do for you?”
But instead of answering, Ness only wrapped his arms around his alpha's waist and buried his face in the older's chest.
Maybe it was the way his baby bump pressed against his mate's belly, maybe it was the comforting feeling of having his loved one so close that made the omega tear up again.
It's been a long time since he had hugged his Micha like that. And when two strong arms held him close, a hand gently cradling the back of his head closer as Kaiser nuzzled his hair, Alexis allowed his tears to fall.
Just because they had made a decision didn't mean that it made everything easier for them.
The whole drive back to Munich those thoughts of how they'd proceed with life after their daughter would be gone had already been terrorizing the omega while he hadn't even fully accepted yet that they'd have to say goodbye much sooner than they had expected.
The hydrops had increased a lot the past days, more fluid collections showing up in different organs and indicating that their little girl's time was running out.
And Alexis was terrified of allowing the thought to enter his conscious mind that he had to give birth to his dead child eventually.
“I love you, Lexi. I love you so much.”
Michael whispered as he held his fiancé tightly, swinging them gently from side to side and wondering if he'd ever get to see the love of his life smile again.
Eventually they'd have to return to their jobs, to the soccer they had once loved so much but that felt like nothing now after getting to experience what it meant to be parents, even if it was just for a short time.
Kaiser would have never thought that something would ever be more important to him than soccer.
But then Ness had come into his life, his sweet, beautiful mate who had never given up on him even during his dark times.
And when the omega had revealed that he was pregnant, when Kaiser had seen that tiny, living blob on the ultrasound monitor for the first time, the center of his world had suddenly shifted to this little person.
But now his universe was at risk of falling apart, ready to crumble and shatter.
“We.. W-we'll get through this.. Together..” “We will, love. We will.”
“Papa loves you. Papa loves you so much, little pretzel. Never forget that, okay? And your mama loves you so so much too.”
Michael's hand felt heavier on the younger's belly today, his voice carrying a deep exhaustion and sadness.
After all those months of wishing their daughter a good night, of caressing her current home and littering soft kisses all over the stretched skin as he told her how much he loved her, today would probably be the last time.
Three more days away from the third trimester she was clearly saying that it was time for her.
Her heart rate had slowed down massively and telling her parents how hard her little heart was fighting but it was no use, her fate had been sealed a long time ago.
They had bought the portable heart monitor after finding out that their daughter was sick, it should have been a reassurance for them to be able to check on her without having to see a doctor.
But now the only purpose of that stupid thing was to see and to guess how much more time was left for them as a little family.
‘She's probably not going to make it through the night.’
Just that single sentence had managed to catch Michael off guard in a way he had immediately dropped his cup, the porcelain shattering on the floor in a way his heart had broken in his chest once again.
Alexis had waited all morning for just a little movement from his pup, hands constantly on his swollen belly so he wouldn't miss anything which was absurd considering that she was inside him, he'd feel it anyway.
But maybe deep inside he wanted another chance, one last chance for his fiancé to feel their daughter being alive before she was gone.
She wouldn't leave any traces, not even a single stretch mark on her mama's skin and one day nobody would ever see that Alexis had been so close to becoming a mother once.
His body would get its shape back eventually, his adorable baby bump disappearing and going from a soft pouch back to a trained belly with abs.
But for them it'll still never be like before.
“We'll always love you. And we'll never forget about you, about the time w-we had t-together..”
In all those years Alexis had never seen his mate cry as much as these past months. And every single time he just wanted to pull Kaiser in a hug and tell him that it was going to be okay, even if it wasn't. It'd never be, right?
They'd never get their happy ending.
They'd never get to hold their newborn, whimpering daughter in their arms, her big purple eyes wandering around in confusion about this strange, new world as she'd hold onto her papa's finger for dear life.
They'd never get to see her drink her very first milk, they'd never get to put her to sleep in her crib for the first time. No first Christmas, no first birthday.
She wouldn't draw cute pictures of her mama and papa and her holding hands in a flower field, she wouldn't come home crying after her first heartbreak.
She wouldn't be standing in front of them one day, carrying the proudest smile on her face as she'd show her graduation certificate to her parents.
She'd never get to live this life and Alexis and Michael would never get to see their daughter grow up.
And when the next day arrived, her heartbeat was gone.
She was gone.
It didn't seem like anything had changed, the bump was still there when the omega woke up but he didn't need to use the portable doppler to know that last night her tiny heart had given up.
There was no shifting, not even the slightest movement when Kaiser instinctively slipped his hand under his mate's shirt, not fully awake yet to realize that there was no need to wish their little pretzel a good morning anymore.
It was hard to give up on such loving habits, especially when he could still feel that their daughter was right there under Ness’ heart.
But she wasn't alive anymore.
“Micha..”
Alexis hesitantly took the hand off his belly and pulled his shirt down, not even able to look at his baby bump as tears gathered in his eyes again.
“We should call the doctor.”
The appointment to confirm that their pup had officially passed away and to talk about the next steps, the induction of labor and the birth of their daughter.
Coming to the hospital to have a baby.
There were plenty of people smiling at them as the two had walked down the maternity ward hand in hand, Alexis’ other hand cradling his swollen belly subconsciously.
Nobody, not even most of the nurses were even thinking that they were there to meet their dead child. The maternity ward was a magical place, a place where new life was brought into the world and new families formed.
But Ness could only pull his basecap down and look away as they passed a room where a new mother was currently cuddling her newborn, the father right by her side and cooing at the pup.
His belly felt heavy, his baby weighing him down despite barely reaching the 500 grams mark but he knew that it was all in his mind. At least they had the right to bury their daughter, the German law only allowed burials of stillborn babies weighing over 500 grams.
But what kind of consolation was that supposed to be? Should they call themselves lucky because Alexis had carried his sick daughter long enough for her to at least have the right for a burial?
“Your vital signs and condition look good, there's nothing speaking against performing an induction today. The faster we induce your labor, the lower the risk of an infection will be. Have you brought everything you need already? Or do you need to collect some things from home again for the stay here?”
The black sports bag had been packed for days, ready for the day that nobody had wanted to come.
“We got everything.”
Kaiser decided to answer as he ran his thumb over the back of his mate's hand in hope that in some way it could bring the omega some comfort.
Going through the process of planning everything that was going to follow after the birth of a stillborn had been hard for the both of them.
After returning from Berlin, the couple had somewhat been forced to think about what to do after their daughter would have been born, from the first hours to where they'd like to bury her.
And especially choosing the right place and signing the documents for their daughter's final resting place had been extremely hard for Alexis when he had still felt their little girl move around inside him back then.
But that was the law. After their respective time of mourning, they'd have to give their daughter to a funeral home and get the official death certificate.
“Alright, I'll bring you to your room then and prepare everything for the induction.”
The doctor nodded softly as he got up and motioned for the couple to follow him.
All of this felt so wrong.
Entering the delivery room that radiated such a comforting, warm and welcoming atmosphere reminded Alexis all over again that a birth was supposed to be something magical.
He was supposed to hold his little, squirming daughter in his arms as reward for enduring the painful laboring process, he was supposed to forget about the pains and exhaustion the moment he'd hold her.
But the omega already knew that this was not how his birth experience would go.
The lack of the fetal doppler placed on his belly, the absence of checks on their daughter's well-being and the gentle reminders of the midwives that he'd soon meet his baby were making it clear that they wouldn't be on the list of happy endings in this maternity ward.
Labor was painful.
Despite their pup being pretty small, Alexis’ body had a hard time getting ready to give birth when it was way too early.
He wouldn't have expected to have to endure 20 hours of constant pain, the cramps continuously wrecking his exhausted body and showing no mercy on the broken male.
Kaiser had been right by his side all the time, reading every wish in his mate's eyes and fulfilling it before Ness could even voice them out. There was only one wish the alpha couldn't fulfill.
He had been there holding his fiancé's hand tightly when they had started the induction, he had been there massaging the younger's back when the first contractions had started and he had kissed his loved one's tears away when Alexis couldn't hold them any longer.
He had carefully helped his omega out of his clothes and in the hospital gown to get ready for pushing and had held his mate as close as he could when Ness had screamed and begged for a different way, a different ending.
All this time he had been right there trying his hardest to be exactly what his fiancé needed and had pushed the numbing ache in his chest away to focus on Ness.
He would never understand just how much pain the love of his life must have endured during the birth so the least he had been able to do was be there and hold him through it all.
Because he had been the only one in the room who at least had an idea about what Alexis must have felt when their tiny daughter had slipped in the towel awaiting her.
And in that moment of unbearable silence, the sound of Alexis’ and Michael's hearts shattering had been unable to miss.
The tiny girl had been placed on her mama's chest, so small and fragile that Ness had been afraid to touch her at first.
How could he touch her without hurting her when she was still this tiny, when she looked still so unfinished?
There was no hair on her little head and her proportions were still a little off but to her parents she was still the most beautiful baby they had ever laid their eyes on.
Her absolutely tiny hands and feet, the even tinier fingers and toes.
Alexis had done all of this, had been everything Kaiser had been able to think of as he had wiped his tears, unable to grasp the fact that his mate had managed to grow this little human out of two mere cells meeting.
Despite the unbelievable sadness pressing heavily on their chests and making it so goddamn hard to breathe, there was still this warm spark of pure fascination and love for this little bean.
This was their little pretzel. And she was so beautiful.
Yes, she was an underdeveloped newborn, covered in amniotic fluid and clearly sick from the way her skin was taut from swelling.
And still she was everything her parents had ever dreamt of.
Usually the newborns were taken away for some tests and measurements after birth while the mother gave birth to the afterbirth but while Alexis struggled with the afterbirth, a doctor had taken his baby away to confirm her death and to complete her death certificate.
Only this way the funeral home was legally allowed to pick her up and prepare her for the funeral later.
But the moment Ness had held his daughter back in his arms again, now both of them cleaned up and his tiny girl in a miniature onesie with a small hat covering her head, it felt like giving her away again was impossible.
How was he supposed to let her go when he had just gotten to hold her?
He thought he had been prepared for this. He thought he had accepted her death, they had spent weeks preparing themselves mentally for this.
But now he felt like he was standing on a battlefield completely naked, hundreds of arrows piercing straight through his body and leaving his most vital organs unable to function properly.
Kaiser hadn't said a single word since the doctors and midwives had left the room to give them some space and had only pressed a long kiss on top of his mate's head when Alexis had rested his head against the older's shoulder, both of them squished in the hospital bed and their tiny daughter on the omega's chest.
Instead of any words, they had only let their tears run freely, quietly as they had cradled their little girl close.
She was right there, so close that they were even able to kiss her tiny head now but she'd never know how it felt like to be kissed on her head.
She'd never know how it felt like to be cuddled close between her parents who loved her so much because even though she was here, she was long gone already.
She had been their biggest dream.
A dream so beautiful that their whole world shattered when they eventually woke up.
But the memories would remain just like the endless love for her.
The ultrasound pictures and the little stuffed bunny, the picture with the prints of her tiny feet they had made after she had been born and the beautiful place where she was resting now, sleeping a peaceful forever sleep under a bed of purple and blue roses.
And whenever Kaiser's hand would slip under his fiancé's shirt again out of habit even months after the funeral, whenever Alexis caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror and automatically rested a hand on his lower belly or caught himself dipping pickles in his strawberry yogurt, it reminded them that in some way she had never truly left.
She'd always be with them.
Because for a brief moment they had been parents to the most beautiful little girl in the world.