Chapter Text
Saying goodbye at the airport nine months ago had been hard. Extremely so. Maybe that's why she found herself in the situation she was currently in.
No, maybe this had all started even before that. Her feelings no doubt had at the very least. Even as early as freshman year she could remember being able to identify that the love she felt for Akarsha was a bit more intense than the one she had for her other friends.
Naturally, they’d grown close over the years. They all had, really.
In fact, by the time sophomore year was coming to an end, Noelle even openly referred to both Min and Akarsha as her friends. Sure, it wasn’t a huge step, but it was a step nonetheless in the right direction.
Things were getting easier, conversations were more fluid and the support they all had for each other through the good and the bad only grew.
Sometimes it took the form of Diya patting Akarsha on the back after a particularly embarrassing blunder, taking the time to indulge even her most outlandish of queries in an attempt to distract from her mistakes.
Other times it took the form of Min silently reaching out and offering Noelle a snack after practice when they'd notice the other girl pushing her food around during lunch instead of eating it. After all, Noelle wasn’t really one to talk about feelings much, but she’d always had trouble hiding them whenever she was upset.
Diya and Min, of course, always supported each other through everything. Min and Akarsha also seemed to spend a lot of time together at her house too, if their constant chatter about the latest game they were playing was anything to go by. Diya and Noelle were, of course, equally inseparable. Best friends since childhood, their dynamic and support came naturally to the two.
And even Akarsha had a knack for knowing when to get serious when she and Noelle needed to just…talk. No quips, no pranks, just talk.
It had become easy. So, so easy. For the first time in her life, Noelle felt safe. Safe expressing her feelings, safe being herself. No longer having to put on a front of only caring about school or her status as valedictorian.
She was allowed to have fun too. To show she cared about her friends, trust them. After all, what her mother would call a weakness she'd arguably call her biggest strength.
Despite what her mother preached it was ridiculous to think they were all somehow in some secret competition against her. To think they were just trying to get her guard down so she'd slack off more. No matter how much she heard it from her parents, Noelle couldn't help but roll her eyes at the idea every time.
Not to mention the other warnings she'd constantly hear after any day spent with her friends or otherwise not holed up in her room studying. Her mother swore up and down that those ‘friends’ would only ever disappoint her. Leave her, hurt her, betray her. Friends weren't family after all, and only your family would stay with you through thick and thin.
…Family. Maybe that's what their little group had been starting to feel like. A home away from home, one where she could confide in others and receive only love and support in return.
It was nice. It felt right.
But as it goes, all good things must come to an end. Maybe her mother hadn't been completely off the mark. Despite the progress, with the end of junior year came Akarsha’s branching off.
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Maybe it's because no one took her seriously the first time she mentioned it. Barely even reacted to it, even. Maybe that's what she'd been looking for that time, reassurance. Someone saying they'd miss her. Akarsha had always been insecure, maybe this had been a sort of ‘last straw' situation.
Honestly, it was the only point in time Noelle could recall it being mentioned where anyone could've actually stepped in to stop her or change her mind. Then again, maybe she just hadn't picked up on it before then.
Akarsha had the bad habit of expressing herself and testing reactions through jokes. Which was difficult because she also had the habit of telling bad jokes just for fun. So maybe Noelle had missed all the signs before then.
But it really hadn't seemed all that serious at the time.
Regardless it must've hurt Akarsha quite a bit considering she didn't bring it up again for a while.
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Early junior year:
“Yeah, I mean, you guys probably won't hear from me for a while during college. I'm prooobably gonna end up moving halfway across the states.” Akarsha casually shrugged off in the middle of a small improvised practice session with the four.
“You mean the state?” Noelle responded absentmindedly, trying (and failing) to catch the ball thrown at her.
“Mmm, nah. I meant the states.”
“You-”
“Hey! Shut up with the grammar lessons! You’re practicing with me not her, numbnuts! If you two were just gonna spend all practice yelling at each other you should’ve let me partner up with Diya instead!” Min called at Akarsha from afar.
“Mmm, I like practicing with Noelle, though. I get to run for the ball more.” Diya absent-mindedly commented, eyeing down Noelle's stance as the shorter girl got ready to throw the ball again.
“Diya, my guy, I feel like you'd get better mileage out of someone throwing the ball far. Y'know, instead of, like, having to run toward it to meet in the middle because your pitcher sucks. And is excessively weak. And has zero stamina. And lacks physical prowess. And has the arms of a-”
“I THINK SHE GETS THE PICTURE, AKARSHA.” Noelle tossed the ball as best she could but, as per usual, it didn't make it very far and Diya had to run to catch it.
Certainly her pitching had improved throughout the years but she was still likely nowhere even close to what Diya likely could've pulled off even in middle school. Or Min for that matter.
“Sure, but. When we practice in teams like this, I get to have Min next to me instead of across from me.” Diya smiled gently, taking her place back near Min.
“Even next to each other, you still have to have a fair amount of distance between you two so the balls don't cross, though.” Noelle swiped at her forehead, mildly annoyed at the love fest she just knew Diya’s comment was about to unfold in front of her.
“Hah! That's what she said.” Nevermind, the mood was ruined (saved?) by Akarsha.
Oh. Akarsha. Right. She'd just said something odd, didn't she? What was it-
“Ok, ok. I think we've done enough practice for today. It's time for me and Diya to get going on our date~” Min eagerly walked over to her and wrapped an arm around her waist, guiding the two off the field.
“Boo~ Save it for pride month!” Akarsha called back and threw an enthusiastic thumbs down, one that was promptly ignored by Diya and met with Min’s middle finger.
Akarsha had been joking of course, but she seemed to be getting more and more wistful at any mention of romance recently. She'd even started toning down her flirting considerably. It was odd.
Noelle paused, watching Diya and Min walk off into the distance as Akarsha looked on longingly. She seemed to be thinking deeply about something, not turning back to face the other girl for a while.
The more Noelle stopped to think about it, the more it started nagging at her. It wasn't just the flirting, Akarsha seemed altogether…sadder lately. More withdrawn. Sometimes she'd even occasionally joke that the only reason they notice she's there is because of how loud and annoying she was. That she was probably the weakest link of the four.
It was disheartening to say the least to hear her talk that way about herself but she'd always insist it was just a joke if anyone tried to reassure her. Say it was only natural since the three had been childhood friends and she'd shown up ‘late to the party'.
It didn't even completely feel like a self-esteem thing anymore at that point. It felt more like Akarsha genuinely believed she was a leftover puzzle piece to an already completed picture. The four were close, sure, but the comments she would throw from time to time seemed to imply she thought everyone was closer to each other than her.
She couldn't really understand it herself given how obvious it was how important of a friend Akarsha had become to all of them and all of the memories the four had shared together, but even she had to admit that the group wasn't exactly as unified lately.
With teachers becoming more and more adamant about planning for the future and college, everyone seemed to have far less time on their hands these days. Which meant less time was spent as a group and more time was spent in pairs.
Min and Diya wasn't an unusual sight and Noelle and Diya shared a lot of classes together too. But, what was new was Min starting to take classes more seriously. They wanted to make Diya proud and graduate together, as a result Noelle found herself tutoring them on occasion. Not to mention they had a part-time job after school now, they still managed to make time for practice when they could but overall they were spending less and less time with everyone.
Akarsha however had somehow managed to end up in completely separate AP classes from both Noelle and Diya, only really sharing lunch with the other three. Maybe that's where the problem started.
But observant as she was, Noelle just couldn't find it in herself to bring it up.
“Well whatever, it's not like it matters anyway, I already decided…” Akarsha mumbled under her breath, sighing and dusting herself off.
“Hey… are you-” Is all Noelle managed to get out before Akarsha jumped a little, then quickly recovered, enthusiastically swinging around to face her with a hand on her hip.
“Geez! I thought you'd left already, Frenchman! What are you still doing here?”
“I have literally not moved from this spot in the past five minutes. What made you think I left?” She looked uncomfortable and her smile was anything but reassuring. How was Noelle even supposed to ask if she was ok if she clearly didn't want to address it?
“Wow, that's crazy, you're soooo right. Welp. You know what they say, at the end of the day-it's night! Guess I'll start heading back to my place too, then. See you tomorrow, Frenchie!”
With a salute Akarsha quickly picked up her bag and left, leaving Noelle on the field alone with her thoughts.
Before, she'd stay and offer to wait with Noelle for her mother to pick her up or otherwise start chatting her up, insisting they share their innermost darkest secrets while no one else was around (Akarsha’s deepest secret was always that she liked women).
Now it almost looked like she couldn't get out of there fast enough. And maybe it was just her (dumb, persistent, annoyingly difficult to get rid of) crush on the other girl, but it was really starting to sting seeing Akarsha purposefully pull away any time she reached out.
It was only once she'd finally received the text from her mother letting her know she was on her way that she remembered.
‘Oh. She'd said states.’
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Despite every fiber in her being begging her to bring it up again, Akarsha didn't give her the chance for months after that. Not until senior year. Not until it was too late to do anything about it. Akarsha had somehow managed to expertly dodge the topic of university altogether anytime it was brought up.
And if it wasn't hard enough to bring up a topic someone was avoiding on their own, Noelle was pretty sick of discussing the topic herself after the endless arguments she kept getting into with her parents about it.
Furthermore, Min wanted to get straight to work after graduation so they and Diya could live together (far, far away from either of their parents) and Diya wanted to hold off for a bit from college so the two could be in a better place financially before she started.
So, with no opportunity to mention it herself, no one else in the group discussing it, and Akarsha specifically avoiding the topic, Noelle had no choice but to hope it had all been some weird spur of the moment Akarsha joke. Perhaps even a set-up for a prank she'd ultimately decided not to follow through on.
Of course, the nagging feeling in the back of her mind persisted but she kept reassuring herself that surely Akarsha had just been trying to elicit a reaction out of her.
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Senior year:
“Yeah, don't worry Frenchie. I'm sure you'll get in, if the whole valedictorian thing doesn't do it for you I'm sure ‘default senior year club president of the gay baseball team' will get you that scholarship for sure!” Akarsha grinned, swinging a fist in the air in support.
The sun was going down and they were on a relatively empty playground near Akarsha’s house, swaying gently on the swings. It had been Akarsha's idea they get on them, of course.
But she'd gone along with it. She missed her. The only reason she'd been invited over to Akarsha's house that day in the first place was because they'd partnered up for their final project for the only class they shared. Other than that she couldn't really remember the last time they'd spent any time together outside of school or the occasional practice.
“I'm not sure mentioning that I was only made the club president ‘by default’ would work in my favor. Or calling it a gay baseball club.” She couldn't help the corners of her mouth lifting, it was strange how even after all these years, even with all the distance, she still couldn't fight the fondness she had for her.
“I mean, the majority of the club is LGBT is some way, shape, or form. I think it's just like, that one freshman and you who aren't. And I have my doubts about the freshman, I've seen how she looks at that lil bestie of hers at lunch.” Akarsha pointedly raised a finger, once again convinced her gaydar was infallible.
Noelle couldn't stop herself from chuckling, if only she knew.
Akarsha looked at her for a moment, smiling in kind. Then her expression shifted, looking down at the ground.
“Hey. Um. Speaking of University, I…think I'm going to Illinois.” She kicked the ground a little, getting a bit of momentum back in her swing.
“Ill- What do you mean Illinois? Also it’s pronounced Illinois, not ill-noice”
“Tomato, potato. What's the difference?” She tried to joke but her voice cracked.
“Why?” Noelle stopped swinging entirely.
“Ummm, why is the saying tomato, potato? You know, I really don't know. I've wondered that myself for a few years now-” She was looking anywhere but at Noelle.
“Why are you choosing to move so far away for college?”
‘Away from me.’ It took everything in Noelle not to tack on.
Akarsha finally stopped, closing her eyes and taking a big inhale then an even bigger exhale. She tended to do this when it was clear she really wanted to avoid the topic but knew better than to think she could drop something that big and Noelle would just let it go.
A reminder that despite the distance, she still understood when it was time to talk earnestly.
“Mmm, well, I dunno… I think I just really wanna get outta here, y’know? Be on my own for a bit.” She frowned, it looked like there was more to that thought.
“But. Why?”
“Because I-” She finally met Noelle's eyes.
“I don't wanna fall behind. There's just…something I need to move past before I can really be a good friend to you guys. And to do that I need some space.”
“From us?” ‘From me?’ Much as she tried, the hurt was clearly seeping into her voice. And if that wasn't enough she could feel her eyes starting to water and her face warm up.
“Oh whoa, hey, don't cry! I didn't mean permanently or anything like that! I'll still come visit during the holidays and summer and it's not like you guys can't ever text me or call me or anything like that! I just wanna feel a lil more independent is all!”
Noelle sniffled loudly, barely holding herself together upon the relief of Akarsha confirming she didn't secretly hate them and was actually planning on going no contact with them after high school. “I'm nob crying!”
Akarsha froze, staring at Noelle before panicking more and reaching around desperately in her pockets to see if she magically had a spare tissue on her (she did not).
Instead she produced a single animal cracker from her right pant pocket.
“Aw beans. I really need to start carrying around more useful stuff.” She picked it up from her palm and stared at it mournfully before putting it in her mouth and eating it.
“Wha- Akarsha!! Are you serious?! How long has that been in there?!”
“Anyway it's just. I feel like I'm too dependent on you guys. I really like spending time with you all but, when push came to shove and we couldn't be together as often I kinda… fell apart? It felt…bad.” Akarsha continued, completely ignoring Noelle.
She frowned as she went on, all but confirming Noelle's initial worry last year when this all started. “...And I realized I need to learn to be alone. Or at least not like, expecting to be anyone's priority.”
“What do you mean by ‘not anyone's priority’? You are a priority to us.” She tried keeping her voice in check but she really just didn't understand. Even if they spent time apart, how could Akarsha possibly think she wasn't important to them. Out of all the conclusions she could've come to, why was that the one she decided to base such a big decision on?
“I mean, I know I'm you guy's friend too and all but it's like. Diya and Min are dating so they'll always have each other, right? And you and Diya go way back, you're literally best friends since you were 5 and I know if it was between you or me, Diya would pick you and if it was between me or Diya you'd pick Diya. That's just how it goes-”
“But why does anyone have to pick anyone, Akarsha? Why can't we both just be Diya's friends? Why can't you both just be my friend? You're both my priority. You're both important to me. This doesn't have to be some weird competition-”
“Ok, but if it was, I'd lose. And I don't wanna be that guy that got picked last for the team and goes home to cry about it. I'm trying to make peace with it.”
“But that's not-”
“Noelle, please. I really don't wanna fight about this, I just want to be ok with being alone. Can we please just talk about something else?” Akarsha's voice cracked again and she looked down teary-eyed.
Noelle looked down in turn, also fruitlessly attempting to hold her own tears back. It was so unfair. So, so unfair. How could Akarsha not realize how important she was?
How much she always managed to completely light up the room. How many inside jokes in their group were either a direct reference to her or a joke she herself made. How many of their core high school memories completely relied on the presence of Akarsha. How much Min enjoyed spending time with her, engaging in games and references only they could understand. How many times Diya had commented that as annoying as it was at first, she genuinely enjoyed having a buddy to walk to school with every morning. How she was the only person capable of making Noelle smile even on the worst of days.
How much she had completely changed the trajectory of her life. How much Noelle loved her, for years now.
Time passed in silence and they eventually returned to Akarsha's home, finishing the project with only the occasional half-hearted banter between the two to try to pretend things were ok.
The last thing Noelle wanted was to lose Akarsha more than she already had.
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Nine months ago:
Thankfully, despite the tense conversation the two had had, alongside graduation came a small revival of the closeness of the group.
Once Min and Diya were able to secure a place using savings and an upgrade to a full-time position, Akarsha and Noelle helped the two to move into their new apartment. Well, helped was a strong word on Noelle's part but it seemed like Diya was just happy to have them all together again for the occasion.
After that, spending time together during the evenings during the rest of the break at their cozy apartment had become the new norm for them all.
They spent the summer laughing at the daily antics Min faced at their job, helped Diya in her search for her own job, talked about how different things were going to be but how much freer they all felt with the idea of living on their own, or at the very least away from their parents.
Everyday was a different story, a different joke, a different movie they all argued over which to watch. They were close again, a family.
It was nice. It felt right.
But as it goes, all good things must come to an end. With the end of summer came Akarsha's flight to Ill-noice.
And saying goodbye had been hard. Extremely so.
They kept in contact, as promised, during the school year but if anything it had just made her miss her that much more.
Maybe that's why when Akarsha finally came back to California in May, driving up towards Noelle's dorm to spend time with them all again after spending a few days back home, the first thing that Noelle found herself doing was pulling her in for a kiss.