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In Natalie’s mind, there is no one as cruel as herself. Because no one is cruel enough to sleep in the bed of the twelve year old boy they killed.
Most people wouldn’t accept the invitation in the first place, but that just further proves her point.
Maria Martinez was a good woman, a kind woman who deserved so much more than to have Natalie under her roof. She had tried declining the offer, but Travis had insisted, and who was she to say no to him after all she'd put him through?
Natalie had taken his brother away from him, and if having her around was what he wanted, she’d spend every fucking night torturing herself.
So here she was, lying on her back, staring up at the same ceiling Javi Martinez looked at the last night he slept in his own bed. The night before they had all gotten on that God forsaken plane.
The walls were covered in drawings, the drawing above the bed was of a wolf. Just like the one he had carved out there, the same wooden wolf the doctors had to pry out of Travis’s hand at the hospital.
She thought dinner was bad, sitting at a table meant for four, trying not to tear up everytime her eyes looked at the empty seat beside her. Natalie had opted for the seat across from Maria, not wanting to occupy the place that once was Javi's.
But wasn't that exactly what she was doing by being alive?
Her mind won’t stop racing, she’s exhausted, but Natalie refuses to close her eyes. Because when she does, she hears small splashes and desperate screams of her name.
She should’ve fucking died that day. Javi should be in this bed, and her bones should be floating at the bottom of the lake like his were right now.
The wilderness didn’t choose shit, Natalie had done that all on her own. And whatever Travis and his mother were feeling right now, she deserved to feel a million times worse than that for the rest of her life.
Travis knew, there was no way he didn’t, and she’d never be able to understand how he could still look at her like she was someone who mattered to him.
She takes a deep breath, mistakenly shutting her eyes to regulate herself when it happens again.
“Natalie help!” A young voice cries in her mind.
The shock sends her body flying up and kicking the covers off. She wasn’t sleeping in this bed.
They had done a lot of bad things out there, but Natalie doesn’t think any of that would be as bad as falling asleep where she was right now.
She moves, her toes brushing against the hardwood floor before she fully stands up. Her footsteps are perfectly quiet, and for a moment, it’s like she’s out hunting again, doing everything she can to ensure that her movements don’t alert anything nearby.
Her eyes scan the darkness of the room one last time, just to remind herself how disgusting she was before she made her short journey next door. Natalie turns the knob slowly, wanting to prevent it from creaking. She doesn’t bother to close it though, remembering that she’d have to sneak back in the morning to cover her tracks.
Natalie opens Travis’s door with the same careful speed, but she has to take extra caution to close the door.
He’s awake, the way he immediately starts moving tells her exactly that. Maybe he was having trouble sleeping without the sedatives too.
“Nat?” He whispers quietly, moving around the bed to sit up.
She walks towards him, “Hey.”
“Can’t sleep?” He asks when she reaches the foot of the bed.
Natalie sits on his lap, bringing her hands up to his shoulders, shaking her head, “You?”
“God I’m sorry she made you sleep there,” he ignores her question, “You shouldn’t have to, we can switch-”
She cuts him off with a kiss, “I don’t wanna talk about that.” She tells him before kissing him again.
They had only kissed once after that day, in one moment of weakness as their cabin burned beside them. So as his lips move against hers, she’s reminded of how much she’s missed this.
It’s not slow and gentle like the kisses he used to give her, it’s messy, rough, and all her. She bites down on his lip, savouring the way he moans in response. Her hands move around his hair, his are pulling her closer until her chest is pressed flush against his.
The feeling is intoxicating, he makes her feel so good. Natalie feels alive again, a feeling she hadn’t felt since that day she screamed on top of that mountain. Their hips rock together, out of sync, but every time he brushes up against her pajama shorts, it sends heat right to her core.
Natalie reaches for the hem of his shirt, figuring out the perfect way to clear her head. Travis stops her, lighting, grabbing her wrists before pulling away, “We shouldn’t.” He says faintly, the moonlight letting her see the concern in his features.
“I wanna forget,” she begs, taking his hands in hers, “Please help me forget Travis.”
The request is selfish, sleeping with him to take her mind off his dead brother was a new low, but it was impossible for her to feel worse about herself.
Travis nods, and the relief that floods her veins makes her feel sick. He slowly slips his hands out of her hold and brings them up to her face, rubbing the pads of his thumbs along her cheek bones, “Are you sure?”
No is the obvious answer. Natalie should say no, climb off of him and go back to Javi’s room. But she can’t, she wants this so badly, she needs this desperately.
So she swallows slowly, before nodding, just once, giving him permission to lean in.
Unlike her, Travis takes his time, kissing her with such gentleness that it’s excruciating. Her arms go up to his neck, wrapping them around it as she falls into it.
He starts to lift up her shirt, Natalie pulls back and lifts up her arms to free herself, but before she can bring his lips back to hers, he starts peppering tiny kisses along her collarbone.
She realizes not worthy of the tenderness he’s treating her with and pulls away, standing up to free herself from the rest of her clothing. Travis takes note and does the same, removing his shirt before getting up to shed his pants.
Natalie pushes him back onto his bed, letting him sit back up before she’s right back on top of him, smashing her lips against his. She brings her hand up to his mouth and his brows furrow in confusion before she grins down on his hips, the sounds from his groan trapped beneath her fingers.
They keep going, she takes the lead as he gladly accepts whatever she does to him.
Her hand slides into his boxers, pulling him out before lifting herself up and aligning their bodies together. Neither of them suggest a condom, the doctor told her it could take months for her period to come back, and it’s not like they have them anyway.
She goes down slowly, relishing in both the pleasure and the pain that it gives her. There’s no pause to adjust, because stopping would remind her that she is having sex with the brother of the boy she killed while his mother sleeps down the hall.
Her nails are digging into his shoulders, his are digging into her waist, and her movements are as fast as their breathing.
“Natalie.” Travis breathlessly chants her name, repeating it with each roll of her hips. She doesn’t say anything back, too scared to open her mouth. Instead she kisses him, letting the noises they both make fall down the others throat.
She keeps going, and she can feel how close she’s getting. She can tell he’s getting close too, based on the way his lips are becoming unable to form her name, mumbled gibberish replacing it. Natalie buries her head into his shoulder, preparing herself.
Travis comes first, Natalie follows not that long after. Sobs taking over her entire body as she falls over the edge. It didn’t work. she just feels worse than she had before.
When he notices that she’s crying, Travis wraps his arms tightly around her, saying things into her hair that she’s too overwhelmed to understand. He gently moves her head back, searching her eyes for an answer to her tears, “Hey, hey,” his thumbs brush away her tears, catching them as they keep falling, “What’s wrong?”
Natalie tries to answer, lie and that everything’s alright, but no matter how hard she tries to form words, nothing comes out. Just heavy breaths that bring on more sobs.
Travis looks more panicked, pulling her closer to him, letting her cries shake his body. He pulls back again, staring into her soul before he speaks again.
“I love you.”
He says it like those three words are the solution to her problem, but they only make her cry more.
How could he love her? How could he look at her the same way he had the day they first kissed after everything that had happened between them?
His hands are back on her cheeks, “I love you.” Travis repeats like she hadn’t heard it the first time.
Natalie can’t be here anymore, the room was suffocating her with reminders of her failures. She climbs off of him, mumbling an apology before she opens the door and runs towards the bathroom. If her crying hadn’t woken up the woman down the hall, there was no way she was still sleeping now.
The brightness of the lights hurts her eyes, but what hurts even more is seeing the face looking back at her in the mirror. Her appearance hasn’t changed much other than the weight she lost, but she couldn’t recognize the girl looking back at her.
Natalie grips the porcelain sink, focusing her gaze on the drain to avoid the dread seeing her own brought.
A knock on the door has her whipping her head, but Travis doesn’t wait for an answer before opening it up. He doesn’t come in, instead, he sticks out his hand, which is holding her discarded pajamas and underwear, “I didn’t want you to get cold.” He says softly.
If she wasn’t feeling like shit, she’d laugh at his comment. The idea that any of them could ever be sensitive to a little cold was laughable. But she doesn’t laugh, she doesn’t even crack a smile, she just opens the door the rest of the way, letting him come inside.
He closes it behind him, watching her throw her shirt back on as she sits on the closed toilet seat. Travis sits beside her on the edge of the bathtub.
“I shouldn’t have let that happen,” he admits after a beat, “I’m sorry.”
Natalie shakes her head, it wasn’t his fault. Besides, if he had turned her down, she’d probably be downstairs and a bottle deep into the Martinez liquor cabinet.
She takes his hand, squeezing it once, “You didn’t do anything wrong.”
Unless giving into her was a crime, she was the only one of them who was guilty of something tonight. She had taken advantage of his kindness to soothe the guilt that burned her entire body.
He brings her hand up to his lips, brushing them against each of her knuckles, “I love you so much Natalie.” Travis keeps saying it like she didn’t know, like she hadn’t heard each time he had said it tonight.
She looks over at him, absorbing the kindness in his eyes as he speaks to her. It’s not as simple as her not wanting to say it back. Because she did love him, granted it was probably in a really fucked up way, but it was still love. Natalie just couldn’t tell him that.
Because if she told him she loved him, it would make him think this was something good. That it was something that could last. That despite how fucked up they were they could still be together like the couples they saw walking down the streets.
But they couldn’t. She didn’t deserve him and he deserved to be free of her burden.
Natalie watches as he cleans her up, treating her with more care than anyone she’s ever known. She strokes his hair back, giving him a sad smile as he looks into her eyes.
You should leave, her mind taunts her, let him go.
No matter how right her mind was, she knew that she’d let him take her back to his room, let him lay her down on his bed, and she’d fall asleep in his arms.
As he pulls her to her feet, she lets him do exactly that. There was no point in leaving now, and even if there was, she was too selfish to deny herself of this.
They’re lying face to face, his arm slung around her hip and his finger drawing little circles on her lower back. One of her hands is under her head, the other has a tight grip on his bicep.
“I love you.” He says one last time.
She maintains her silence, moving closer to him and resting her head against his chest. Travis brings his chin up to rest on her hair.
Her eyes shut and she doesn’t think about Javi. No splashing or screams fill her ears, just the steady sound of Travis’s heartbeat.
She could let herself feel bad in the morning, but right now all she wanted was to sleep in the arms that loved her before she forced them to let her go.