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Emily took a heavy drag on the Marlboro Red she had treated herself to on the back porch of the house Derek had dragged her to. Tapping the cigarette ash loose, she leaned against the brick wall as if the beers she had sunk were weighing her down. 80's dance hits boomed through the building behind her and she dragged both fresh and nicotine-soaked air in with fervent intensity. The frat party was way too stuffy and she needed a minute for her head to stop swimming.
A shadow fell over her and a deep familiar voice rumbled near her ear. 'Those things are gonna kill you.'
Emily sucked pointedly on the cigarette and shrugged. 'Do you know how many people die from football related head-injuries, Morgan?'
Derek's eyebrows bounced up and down in response before sighing and slumping against the wall next to her - pointedly in the opposite direction of the nicotine-thick exhalation. Emily continued smoking quietly, a solemnity pulling at her shoulders where some sort of care-free early adulthood should have been growing its wings.
'So…' Derek began, a simple tee clinging his top-heavy, quarterback frame.
Emily rolled her eyes and pushed deep black hair off her face. 'No, Derek, I didn't sleep with her.'
'Why not, Prentiss? She was hot,' he teased, a ridiculous smirk on his face. 'That beautiful, long red hair, tall, long fingers…'
'She didn't like the eyeliner.' Emily pulled away her cigarette, inspecting the black rim of lipstick clinging to the filter. She tossed the spent butt into a make-shift ashtray with the same careless attentiveness her mother used to flick off a speck of dirt.
'Come on, Emily. She was in a rock band,' he lamented, pulling Emily's shoulder back as she tried to escape him.
She slumped against the wall again and smoothed out her black swing dress and fishnet tights. Grabbing a beer bottle from Derek's hand, she took a swig, pulling a face as she glared at him through her fringe.
'Seriously?' Emily scoffed.
'Seriously.' Derek palmed his soft, buzzed hair, sending a few grown out coils out of the tidy style.
'She was in a Christian rock band. There was so much to be unpacked and I'm not the person she's unpacking it with.' She shook her head slowly.
'Agh! Who needs to unpack anything? You just need to get laid. You're getting grouchy.'
'Have you considered that my grouchiness could be caused by something other than a lack of sex?' Emily teased, a coy smile playing on her lips, despite the mild scolding tone. 'I've been grouchy since I met you. And that was in high school, Derek, so -'
'You've been grouchy since Rome, Emily,' he said quietly, nudging her softly. 'Let me know when you want to talk about it.'
'That was nearly four years ago,' Emily muttered.
'And I'll say it for another four decades if I need to.'
They stood, backs against rough brick, in relative quiet for a moment. Emily tried desperately to gather her thoughts and considered getting another drink to drown them in. But Derek took her hand before she could escape back inside and pulled her into a hug.
'Don't let the frat boys see us - they'll never let you live down hugging the weird goth kid,' Emily murmured into his chest before pushing away. 'It's not as if they invited me here.'
She gestured vaguely at the house; thumping with the bass.
'Who gives a fuck?' Derek shrugged, letting Emily go. 'Those guys don't know their asses from their elbows -'
Any further discussion was slapped away by a small, blonde, baby-faced, girl stumbling out of the door. Music spilled from the opening, waves of sound lapping against the porch. The door swung shut and the sound died. Emily mouth fell open as the girl wiped her face aggressively and leaned her elbows against the porch fence. She sniffed quietly and puffed out a trapped breath before turning around and -
She jumped, blue eyes red rimmed. With one more brush of her nose, the girl crossed her arms over her light blue top.
'I'm sorry, I didn't realise anyone else was out here - I -' she muttered.
Emily caught her arm on the way back to the door. 'No, it's okay. You good?'
The girl's eyes flickered to Morgan, a vague flash of recognition in them.
'You're Will's girl, right?' Derek asked, one finger up as he searched his memory.
She nodded awkwardly. 'JJ,' she said, as way of introduction, and smoothed out her mini skirt. 'You know Will from…?'
'Just around,' Derek's shoulder nudged up and down. 'We had some classes together. He's on the baseball team, right?'
Emily seemed frozen, lips slightly parted, as she gazed at a nodding JJ.
Derek nudged Emily lightly before introducing them both: 'I'm Derek. This is Emily.'
JJ gave a wave that could more accurately be described as a waft. Her smile died on her mouth and she shook her hands out. 'Do you know where Will…' She started welling up again.
Emily defrosted. She moved forward, taking JJ's elbows softly and lead her to a sad looking bench that had been lurking in a dark corner.
'What happened?' Emily asked - once she had shooed Morgan to go and find Will.
JJ pulled her arms around herself, as if cold, despite the warmth radiating from her skin. 'It's stupid.'
'Try me,' Emily assured.
JJ's gaze flicked to Emily's for the briefest moment. She catalogued Emily's dark brows, furrowed with worry, her soft lips, painted black, and the deep eyeliner which smudged out under her eyes as if she'd slept in it. Hair that looked like it had once had volume, was now straightened out like Morticia Addams'.
JJ cocked her head. 'I've not seen you around.'
'I don't usually come to frat parties. I'm more of a burnout's-basement kinda gal.'
JJ smiled a little at that. 'I don't usually come to frat parties either. But Will asked… so...' She spread her hands out, as if to say here I am.
Emily nodded. She pursed her lips. Opened her mouth. Closed it again.
Pale pink lips curved into a smile.
Emily shook her head incrementally before asking again. 'Are you really okay? I mean. I know how these parties go - it's -' Emily sighed. 'If one of the guys is giving you a hard time, me and Derek can take him -'
'Oh no -' JJ started, worrying at the edge of her skirt. 'No, it's this girl.' She deflated.
Emily's head tilted and a neutral expression came over her.
So, JJ continued. 'She was in my class last semester. I think she has a crush on Will or something - I -' She glanced around her, the faint streetlight bouncing off her long blonde hair. Big blue iris's sparkled in the darkness as another bubble of tears formed at her waterline. '- She found out where Will and I are from and did some digging. It's dumb - it's nothing. She just said something about something that happened when I was a kid. I mean - there's a reason I don't tell anyone this stuff. Will already knows and so he's safe - right?' The words had gained momentum and seemed to flow out on their own. '- then stupid, bitchy, Carrie G buddies up to my boyfriend and suddenly she thinks she knows my whole life story. And -' she continued with a snatched breath, anger spilling pink into her cheeks. '- Will actually told her about my sister. My sister,' JJ repeated - as if it meant anything to Emily.
Emily's brows furrowed.
JJ's mouth fell open.
'You don't have to tell me. Clearly you want to keep it to yourself. But,' Emily conceded, 'if you did - we're relative strangers. I won't tell anyone. I wouldn't have anyone to tell - well - other than Derek. But I wouldn't -' Her words tripped her up. '- Not if you didn't want me to. Of course. Lock and key - me.'
JJ stared at Emily in mild disbelief. Her brows furrowed, as if trying to decode the gawky, monochromatic girl before her.
Emily's focus flicked between JJ's widened eyes.
'Carrie's an ass,' Emily declared. 'Cheer Captains usually are.'
JJ snorted a little and covered her mouth with dainty fingers. Then her bit her lip, hands falling to her lap. 'Yeah. Well. She said my sister probably killed herself because she was so bored of me…'
JJ's chin fell and a heavy tear splattered against the back of her hand. A few deep breaths filled her chest before she felt the bench lighten, wooden slats rising under her, and Emily was gone.
'What the -' JJ started, standing to follow Emily.
But Emily was already bursting through the back door, shoulders hunched as she stomped through the kitchen and into the main living room where couches were pushed back to walls to create a dance floor. Dimmed lights turned Emily's dark ensemble into a malicious shadow, rounding on Carrie with snarl that could spit venom.
By the time JJ had caught up to her, Emily was already shouting.
'…do you think you are?' Emily shoved Carrie, bleached blonde hair bouncing as the smirk fell from perfectly lined lips.
Fear flooded Carrie's eyes. She pushed Emily back with more force than JJ expected.
'What, Prentiss?' Carrie spat. 'Got a crush on a Lisbon sister?'
One of Carrie's gym-rat admirers flanked her side. She smirked.
Emily sucked in her cheeks, fists balled. 'It's not a fucking joke, Carrie. Make fun of me all you like but don't you dare turn something like that into an insult.'
'It's not that serious, sweetie,' Carrie said, siren-teeth grinning for the frat boys surrounding them.
'I swear to god - if you ever say a thing again -'
'You'll what, Prentiss? Tell Mommy?' Carrie faux pouted.
'My mother has nothing to do with this.' Sweat ran down Emily's back. She stood taller and stepped into Carrie's space. Emily's voice lowered. 'You know as well as I do, that money can only get you so far. Spoken to dear old dad recently?' She cocked a brow.
Carrie glanced at one of the boys and scoffed.
'Oh… so you've heard about him and the maid? What a cliché…'
A icy chuckle fell from Carrie. 'What would you know?'
'You don't want to play that game, Carrie,' Emily said, stepping back.
Just as Emily's back turned to Carrie and her ever growing group of cronies, she heard Carrie's voice again, louder this time.
'You know nothing - dyke.'
The words slapped Emily on the back of the head. She paused. Her face boiled. She spun on her heel - eyes locking to her opponent. Soft fingertips grazed Emily's wrist and JJ's small voice bubbled somewhere nearby but Emily's momentum had already built and she pulled her hand free.
Striding up to Carrie slowly, Emily put on a mask of absolute innocence. Carrie straightened, twirled a piece of hair between manicured nails and cleared her throat.
'You wanna know what I know?' Emily asked, a satin threat.
Carrie nodded. 'Mmhmm. I'd love to see what you've come up with.' She flicked her hair over her shoulder.
'Other than your father sleeping with the maid?' Emily's brow curled.
Carrie swallowed but held her position.
Emily leaned in, her breath close enough to poke at Carrie's ear. 'Other than how your father embezzled from the Charity Gala last year to fund the pool in your backyard? Or, perhaps, how he blackmailed the coach into making you Cheer Captain? How your Debutante Ball was funded by your grandparents because your mother lost your savings betting on horses that wouldn't win.'
Carrie bristled.
Emily's face contorted into a shit eating grin. 'I hear a lot more than you think.'
'Nothing that hasn't been gossiped about for years,' Carrie hissed through bravado but her face was chalky. 'Get new material, Prentiss.'
She spun and went to walk away.
'What about the summer you spent in rehab?' Emily shouted.
The room stilled. Carrie's eyes filled.
A hand wrapped around Emily's elbow, firmly. She spun around and -
JJ.
She had turned nose to nose with JJ.
Emily's lungs ceased to inhale.
JJ's eyes were filled with tears.
'I'm sorry -' Emily started.
JJ shook her head a little. 'It's -'
Will tugged her away.
Carrie started marching up to Emily and, as she did, a manicured hand raised. Emily turned rapidly, the slapping of Carrie's heals reverberating through her skull. She squared her shoulders: fists balled.
Morgan yanked Emily back by the shoulder.
'Emily,' Morgan whispered harshly in Emily's ear. 'Let. It. Go.'
Emily's heart pounded in her ears for a second before Morgan's tight grip on her arm registered. The beat of music and cheering from a distant game of beer pong flooded back over her. She stared at Carrie.
'Em,' Derek said quietly, close to her ear.
One more tug on her arm. She turned.
The first day of the new semester came far too quickly. Emily was nursing a hangover from a short night spent in a basement with a 'straight' girl who had flirted with her and boys who kept handing her beers she no longer wanted to drink. One temple plastered to the desk, she breathed in the smell of cheap wood and frayed carpet. Shuffling and distant chatter floated around her as the lecture theatre started to fill. Derek's deep chuckle reverberated next to her as he tossed his pen in the air and flirted with some girl who sat in front of them. After scoffing at the sound of Derek's charming smile shaping his suggestive words, Emily raised her head, dragged her notebook and pen out of her backpack and rested her head back down on the wad of paper.
The giant clock at the back of the room ticked.
Derek tapped her. 'Emily - look.' He pointed across the room.
It was JJ.
Bright eyes scanned the seats. She clung a folder to her chest, looking every bit as lost as Emily felt. Their eyes met.
Emily smiled awkwardly.
Derek waved JJ over.
With a particularly deadly glare, Emily hissed. 'What the fuck? She won't want to sit over here with me.'
'Be nice.' Morgan's eyebrows were raised, as if scolding a child.
Emily rolled her eyes and prepared a verbal assault. Her mouth hung open and, instead of smirking, Derek handed her a bottle of water. She took it reluctantly, pulled off the cap and sunk half of it in several unflattering gulps.
A soft floral perfume distilled behind Emily as Derek's attention went back to the girl he had been flirting with before.
'Mind if I sit here?' JJ asked, one finger twirling against the back of the isle seat beside Emily.
'Sure,' Emily shrugged.
JJ sat down silently, organised her bag, lined up multicoloured pens, and then flicked her notebook open to a blank page. Emily's eyes widened as she took in the left-hand page: notes from the last class sprawled across it.
There were bullet points, tiny boxes, multicoloured arrows, odd doodles, crossed out parts, rainbow notes in margins, full caps annotations with chaotic messages such as REMEMBER THIS DUMMY and EXAM MODE JAREAU. It looked like tangled lengths of string had been tossed across the page and vaguely organised into letters.
'Jareau?' Emily muttered.
'Prentiss,' JJ greeted, smirking at Emily's shrunken form. 'Long night?'
Emily sighed. 'Something like that.' Her gaze still flickered over the sprawling page.
'What?' JJ asked, her pen between her teeth.
'Nothing,' Emily said, shaking her head and sitting up straight. 'Nice notes.'
JJ snorted out a laugh. 'I know. It looks like the inside of my head.'
'Hmm,' Emily hummed. 'Look, about the other night - I just want to apol-'
Whatever Emily was about to say died as Professor Rossi strode into the room and slapped down a text book.
'Welcome to Psyc. Let's set some ground rules.' His voice bellowed through the room.
The class passed extremely slowly. JJ made more incoherent notes - at least four pages filled with noodles of information, small flowers and vines. Emily's notes were… sparse. She glanced down at her own page. She hadn't even finished writing down the exam date and the rest of her bullet points perched on the page in various stages of completion.
She nudged Derek with her elbow, then whispered into his shoulder. 'Can I copy your notes later?'
Derek smirked and nodded, glancing between Emily and JJ. 'If you tell me why you weren't taking your own.'
She kicked him hard enough that he flinched. As they were dismissed, Morgan nudged her again.
'What?' Emily shoved the half-assed notes into her bag.
'Someone's waiting for you,' he said, pointing at JJ, who was hovering at the top of the isle with her bottom lip between her teeth.
Upon catching Emily's eye, JJ jutted her head to call Emily over. Biting the inside of her mouth, Emily scooted out of her row and followed JJ out of the classroom and into a quiet courtyard.
Emily kicked concrete awkwardly, the platform boots she was wearing thunking slightly with each pass. JJ held out her folder to Emily and turned around.
'Could you?' JJ asked, head tilted as she pointed between the outstretched folder and her backpack.
Emily nodded, took the folder - ignoring how JJ's fingers brushed with hers - and slid it into a neat spot at the back before zipping everything back up again.
'Thanks.'
'No problem.' Emily pulled a tight lipped smile and started walking vaguely in the direction of the exit. 'Did you want to talk about -? Because I'm sorry. I shouldn't have gone off like that - not without your permission. I totally overreacted and I shouldn't have said all that stuff to Carrie and I just think that she had no right to use all of that against you - but -'
JJ laughed a little, making Emily glance up with wide eyes.
'It's okay. I'm not mad. But Will…' JJ grimaced.
'Oh god… Will. I'm so sorry.'
JJ shook her head. 'It's fine. He's just mad that you stood up for me before he did. He'll get over it. Or he won't.'
'How long have you two…?' Emily asked, trying to make conversation.
'High school. 10th grade,' JJ shrugged.
Emily's eyebrows shot up. 'That's cute.'
JJ's breath caught. 'Sure.'
Emily placed a hand to the inside of JJ's elbow, stilling them both. No longer pacing, Emily stared at JJ. JJ's eyes were red-rimmed, concealer masked puffy under-eyes and her nose was rubbed red.
'JJ… If I caused a problem between you -' Emily started, fingers still clasped in JJ's pale pink cardigan.
JJ shook her off. 'You didn't. I did.' She took a rapid breath. In-out through her nose. Then, squared her shoulders. 'Do you have plans?'
Emily shook her head.
'Come for a walk with me? The locker room is just down here,' she said, flapping her hand in the direction of the building closest to the soccer field. 'We can leave our stuff in my locker.'
Emily's mouth hung open. 'Uh, yeah. Sure. If you're sure, I mean?'
JJ nodded, as if everything had been definitively decided. Back straight, she led Emily rapidly through doorways and corridors until they reached an echoing room of metal lockers, a few benches and several doors scattered around the walls. JJ spun a combination lock and shoved her backpack in, then turned to Emily with her hand out. Emily, still dazed and a little out of breath, handed over her bag without protest.
JJ slammed the door shut.
Without the bag to balance, Emily picked at her nails. JJ seemed to have caught Emily's awkwardness because she shoved her hands into her jeans pockets and swayed onto the balls of her feet and back again. JJ then mumbled something about showing Emily something and took Emily's hand to drag her out.
With a jolt, Emily activated. 'Wait.'
JJ frowned at her.
'Do you mind if I smoke?' Emily asked sheepishly.
JJ softened, nodded, and doubled back on herself to unlock her locker again. She opened it, let Emily rummage for her pack of cigarettes and a lighter, and closed it again.
As they headed out the field exit, Emily pulled a single cigarette from the packet.
JJ, with an infuriating grin on her face, plucked it from Emily's hand. 'Not yet.'
Emily rolled her eyes but followed, lingering behind a few steps. The air was warm but the breeze was cool against Emily's cheeks. JJ's bright blonde hair floated in the wind. It shimmered in the high afternoon sun. But nothing was more dazzling than the bright smile that JJ threw over her shoulder as she reached out for Emily's hand.
Emily took JJ's, chipped black nail polish sliding into JJ's warm palm. Their fingers intertwined and a tingle ran up Emily's arm before JJ yanked at her. Complaining mildly about dislocating a shoulder, Emily followed and quirked the corner of her mouth up when their eyes met.
JJ dragged them briskly around the side of the building, still holding Emily's cigarette hostage, and to a corner of the bleachers - furthest away from the action. Most of the underside of the fixed bleachers was walled off; there were many extremely hyperbolic stories of students being trapped or squashed under them, resulting in the wall. However, Emily supposed, it was more likely that walling it off was convenient - to stop people sneaking in on game day without a ticket. This length of wall was crumbled and the hole was hastily covered by a flimsy plywood sheet.
JJ dropped Emily's hand and perched the cigarette behind her ear before peeling back the plywood. She nodded her head for Emily to climb in and Emily, with an open mouth, tripped into the dark space. JJ followed her, the plywood slapping shut behind them. Darkness plunged over them until a heavy scraping sound came from somewhere behind Emily. A metal hatch in the glass of a maintenance door popped open. There was enough light for them to see but it was still dim. The pale gleam trickled over JJ's features as she turned to face Emily.
Emily scoffed. 'Why didn't we use the door?'
'It's locked, genius.' JJ stuck her hand out to Emily.
Emily stared with wide eyes. Remembering herself, she shrugged and shook her head. 'What?'
JJ pulled the stolen cigarette from behind her ear - her long hair having fallen over it - and propped it between her lips. 'Got a light?'
'You smoke?' Emily laughed, digging in her pocket for the lighter before flinging it in JJ's direction.
JJ caught it smoothly and lowered herself to sit against the wall, legs long and overlapping in front of her. The small, bright spark shimmered in JJ's bright blue eyes as she inhaled the glow slowly, soaking it up almost piously with closed eyes and her head tilted back.
JJ held the lighter out in Emily's direction. She opened her eyes and chuckled lightly at the look of absolute astonishment in Emily's parted lips. Emily's fingers stuttered. She shook her head softly and sat down next to JJ, now preparing her own cigarette. Leaning against the dusty wall, Emily glanced at JJ.
'I didn't expect you to smoke,' Emily muttered.
'I don't,' JJ remarked. 'Well -' She held her cigarette out, balanced between her index and middle finger lightly. '- obviously, sometimes I do. But not often.'
'Hmm,' Emily nodded. 'Why?'
'What do you mean, why? Why do you smoke?'
Emily considered this for a second. Then, with a sigh, she said, 'Because my mother hates it and it makes me feel less…' She searched for the word in the streams of smoke between them. '…just feel less.'
'Exactly,' JJ whispered. 'Less.'
They breathed together for a moment, occasionally inhaling at the nicotine, intermittently tapping excess ash away from their outstretched legs. Dust swam in the pale light crawling through the window. Emily watched it rise and fall, speckles dancing as they disturbed the air in the dank space. JJ reached her filter first, stubbed it out and stashed it in a corner with a small pile of butts. Emily followed suit shortly afterwards.
'Did you wanna talk?' Emily tried, sitting back in her spot. 'You dragged me out here.'
JJ smiled shyly. 'Sort of. I just…' She bit her lip. 'You were so nice at the party.'
Emily frowned. 'Nice? I completely lost -'
'- You stood up for me.'
Emily's mouth fell open. She closed it. And nodded. 'Of course.'
'You didn't even know me,' JJ commented, a fleeting blush caressing her cheeks.
'I knew you were upset and you confided in me.' Emily gazed at JJ earnestly. 'I knew you had trusted me with information that had already been weaponized against you. And - Jesus - for someone to use your sister's death like that…' She shook her head with taught lips. Dimples cut into the flesh of her cheeks as Emily bit her lip.
When Emily finally looked back at JJ, wide, glassy eyes were staring back at her.
'What?' Emily huffed awkwardly. She fiddled with the edge of her long, black sleeve.
JJ reached a hand out and rested it on Emily's thigh. 'Thank you.'
Emily nodded. Then swallowed and stared at JJ's hand.
'Um,' Emily began. 'You know I'm -'
But JJ hopped in, swooping Emily's concerns away. '- I know you're gay, Emily.'
'Okay,' Emily sighed. 'And you don't mind?'
'Why would I mind?' JJ frowned, genuine confusion creasing her brows.
'Most - or, a lot - of people mind. And I only know the initial of your first name so you have a perfect get out clause,' Emily mumbled. Her gaze kept flicking back to JJ's hand, her thumb now gently stroking Emily's black jeans.
JJ didn't pull away when Emily's hand covered JJ's.
A swallow - from who, neither of them knew: maybe both. A light tingling took over Emily's fingers.
'Jennifer.' Burst into the hollow space between them.
Emily glanced up.
'My name. Jennifer.'
Emily lifted her hand from JJ's swiftly. Cold air caressed JJ's fingers. Suddenly, Emily's hand was outstretched awkwardly in front of JJ's chest. With a light giggle, JJ took it and shook it lightly.
'Emily Elizabeth Prentiss,' she announced, rehearsed and far more diplomatically delivered than the dark garb would lead JJ to believe.
JJ frowned through a quivering laugh, then shook herself off, still caressing Emily's hand. 'Jennifer Jareau.'
'That's it? No middle name?' Emily scoffed, dropping JJ's hand.
'Better than taking my mom's name,' JJ quipped, nudging Emily with her shoulder now that they were sat like normal people again. 'You know, I didn't see the resemblance until this very moment.'
Emily rolled her eyes. 'Elizabeth is technically my mother, yes.'
'Yikes.' JJ grimaced. 'I'm guessing that Ambassador Prentiss isn't overly…' She contemplated the right words, delicate fingers gently dancing before her.
'…loving? Accepting? Forgiving? Nurturing?' Emily prompted, her lips a tight line. She nodded slowly and pulled her knees up to her chest.
JJ melted a little. 'I'm sorry, Emily.'
Emily just shrugged. 'It's fine. We don't speak much.' She picked at her nails; flecks of black nail polish scattered and caught against her torn flesh.
JJ's chest seemed to stutter for a moment. But her hand reached out anyway, her fingers sliding between Emily's tight hands. Emily gripped tightly to JJ and sucked in a steadying breath.
'I guess she's one of the people that mind, right? About you liking girls?' JJ asked quietly, her head resting softly against Emily's shoulder.
A callous laugh burst from Emily. 'Ha - yeah. She minds a whole lot.' Her cheek came to rest on the top of JJ's head. She turned a little, her lips pouted lightly as if to kiss the soft blonde hair but she shook it off and lifted her head again.
JJ nodded in vague understanding. 'My mom would be the same. I think? Although she doesn't know.'
Emily frowned. 'Your boyfriend?'
JJ traced each of Emily's fingers softly with her index. She sighed. A heaviness crushed her chest as she thought of all the times she had seen a girl and thought her lips looked soft, of all the moments a friendship was a little too intense and of the dark haired girl in high-school who she had almost kissed - before Will, of course. She shook her head.
'I don't know if I'm -' JJ scrunched up her face, still staring at Emily's hands between them. '- a lesbian - or if I like both or - whatever. I loved Will.'
'Loved? Past tense,' Emily muttered, handing JJ her other hand to continue tracing the shapes between them.
'I -' JJ nuzzled into Emily's neck. 'I do love him. I suppose. But every time he kisses me I feel…'
A salty tear drop sunk softly into the dark fabric covering Emily's shoulder. Emily's elbow wound under JJ's chin, a hand cupping the opposite cheek. Emily wiped JJ's hot tear away and waited, quietly, for JJ to continue.
She didn't.
'It doesn't feel right?' Emily supplied, muttering the words into the darkness.
JJ considered this for a second. She sighed. Then, 'It's more than that.'
'Hmm,' Emily hummed. She nodded her head softly, her cheek rubbing softly at JJ's hair.
A breeze rattled past the bleachers; the trees outside rustled and a gentle 'whoop' could be heard followed by a bunch of laughing jocks. Inside, the air was still, dark and warm. A bubble formed around them. The sound outside dulled.
Emily's mouth opened. Then closed. JJ felt it Emily's fingers tense against her knee, where they had come to rest.
She glanced up, meeting shy, dark eyes.
'What?' JJ whispered.
'Uh -' Emily pursed her lips and glanced at the dust laden window. '- Maybe I'm way overstepping here…'
JJ's brows furrowed. She shook her head. 'It's okay, what were you going to say?'
Emily bit the corner of her mouth and started picking at her thumbnail. JJ's fingers slid over the assaulted nail and a puff of hair left Emily's lips.
'Look, I -' Emily's tongue ran over her lips anxiously. 'I don't want to suggest anything but since you already said about… not being sure. You know?'
JJ nodded, urging Emily on with steady, glittering eyes.
Emily continued. 'For me, anyway, I kissed boys. I even loved one. A boy. But not -' Her eyes filled for a second. She took a soft breath in and pushed it out heavily through tight lips. 'I haven't always been this… confident, about my sexuality. I've been where you might be?' She shook her head, realising she was rambling. 'Anyway, it always felt like - like there should be a spark, from how much I cared about him. He was my best friend but…' She sighed. 'We kissed once. I wanted him to be perfect - and he was. Just not romantically. I wanted him to be the one. But there was never a light? You know? I loved him like… a low simmering pot on a stove. Steady. There. We'd kiss and it would be… okay. A little wet. I loved him like we'd go to war together. But I never got that - spark. It never ignited anything in me. I think -' Emily leaned against the wall, hands floating in front of her now as she spoke. '- I think the water is friendship. Platonic love. Sure it boils up and down but it doesn't spark. With the right girl? God. It sparks. With a hot girl? Sure, another spark. With the right, hot girl? I think that would be like a wildfire.'
JJ stared at Emily for a second. Her mouth was softly open and a little colour had drained from her cheeks. But she blushed when Emily turned to look at her.
'Oh god - I'm sorry - I've made it wei-'
'No, no Emily. I -' JJ's gaze flickered over Emily's lips catching herself. '- What I mean is… I think Will is the simmering pot.'
Emily's breath caught.
JJ stared at Emily.
Tension hung between them. Tangible. Emily's fingers twitched. JJ's hooded eyes failed to drag themselves away from Emily's mouth - actively ignoring Emily's tongue darting through her lips.
JJ started to lean forward, her body moving as if Emily was her centre of gravity and -
'Do you have a spark?' Emily whispered.
A brick dropped in JJ's stomach. 'What?' She swallowed.
Emily cleared her throat. 'Was there someone you had in mind, or…? If it's not Will.' Her voice stayed quiet.
A whistle cut through the fog in JJ's head. With the rapidness of a tsunami, JJ's eyes filled and her hand started to shake. She stood. Dust puffed around the spot she had left.
Wiping quaking fingers over her cheeks, JJ spluttered, 'Twenty-four, thirty-two, fourteen.'
'What? JJ - I don't -' Emily stood, dust clinging to her.
'Locker combination. Twenty-four, thirty-two, fourteen. For your stuff.' JJ's voice faded away.
The plywood slapped behind JJ.
She was gone.
Emily pushed through the 'security' door to her apartment building without the code. She rummaged for her keys as she climbed the single flight of stairs, not daring to brave the elevator for such a short journey. The slap of her work shoes echoed in the tall stairway. As she reached the top, keys clasped between her fingers, she scrubbed a hand down her face. She smelt like an odd mix of fine wine, expensive perfume and very few tips. She groaned a little, remembering the reprimand from the manager for not smiling widely enough at some senator-to-be. She had refused to take the table in the first place because she had sworn she had seen him at one of her mother's dinner parties. Luckily, he didn't seem to recognise her (or pay attention to the staff ) either way, she was glad of it.
She glanced a reflection of herself in a dusty window to the outside. Wearing nude make up, neat ponytail and a crisp black button up, she didn't look like herself. But, she supposed, a lick of black lipstick wasn't really her either. But it was an excellent mask.
And it helped that the gothic attire made Elizabeth Prentiss hit DEFCON 1.
She smirked to herself as she turned into her hallway. Her door in sight, she stopped. Emily's jaw fell slack for a second but she picked it up and, instead, her lips floated into a gentle, sympathetic smile. Head tilted to the side, Emily strode quietly down the hallway.
JJ was sat outside her apartment door, back to the wall, cross-legged with her nose in a book.
'Hey!' Emily called.
JJ's head shot up, her lips forming a guilty 'o' as she sprung to her feet, book clutched to her chest.
'I got your note,' JJ said, holding it out to Emily as the distance between them closed. 'The one you left in my locker.'
Emily smiled gently, shoved her key in the door, wiggled it a little until it clicked, and shoved the door open with her shoulder.
'I hope so. It would have been really weird if you showed up to my apartment, otherwise.' Emily stood back from the open door and held her hand out for JJ to go in first.
JJ's mouth formed a line but she ducked her head and stepped into the small studio apartment. She toed her shoes off and lined them up next to the door, adding to a small army of black books - her white sneakers practically glowed beside the line up.
Emily threw her purse down on the kitchen counter and started taking off her shoes, pulling out her ponytail and shuffled over to a small built in closet.
JJ, meanwhile, wandered around the small space. She had imagined black curtains, metal band posters and boombox. But all she saw was a small space with classy green sheets covering the bed, warm off-white walls and dark wood furniture. A deep cabinet spewed with at least two rows of books, most worn and dog-eared. Atop the deep, chipped wood, sat a record player and a handful of mismatched records - some from the 40's, some newer rock and punk, some classical and philharmonic orchestra recordings. The record collection could be called nothing but eclectic.
JJ thumbed through the records quietly before Emily appeared behind her.
A hand gently grazed JJ's shoulder.
JJ jumped. 'I'm sorry.' Her book slapped the floor.
Emily bent down, picked up the book (The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath, she noted), and rested it carefully on her bed before sitting down and beckoning JJ over to do the same. Scooting herself back to sit against the headboard, Emily glanced around her.
'With it being a studio and never having anyone over I never got around to getting a couch…' Emily explained, picking her thumbnail. She bit her lip before adding a mumbled, 'Sorry.'
JJ shook her head and sat cross legged, her knee grazing Emily's thigh. 'It's nicer than my dorm room.'
'Is it?' Emily scoffed. 'Did you see the peeling wallpaper in the hallway?' Her thumb jerked towards the janky front door.
'In here is nicer, Emily. I'm fine. Really. I'm the one who showed up unannounced,' JJ said, shrugging her shoulder and tracing the soft fabric of the comforter with one finger.
'You're welcome any time.'
JJ's head rose. Her soft smile widened as she found Emily's eyes. The air in the room seemed to thicken and thin at the same time - leaving JJ a little light headed. She covered a sharp gasp of air with a laugh and glanced around. Her mouth hung open, unsure what had made her walk over with only a scrap of paper and a whim.
'Did you just come over to hang out or…' Emily started softly, restless hands toying the the frayed edge of her oversized sweater.
JJ shook her head. 'I don't know. I just -' The corner of her mouth twitched as she pursed her lips together, trying to find the words. '- I needed to apologise for running out on you. It was rude and… so weird. I just freaked out because I thought -' The words died in her mouth. She just sat there, mouth hanging open.
'You thought…' Emily said cautiously. Quietly. 'You thought you'd kiss me.'
A soft sigh left JJ. Her spine curved like a shrimp.
'It's okay if you don't want to - or whatever, Jennifer - you clearly have stuff to figure out. And I totally understand if you want to experiment and whatever but -' Emily glanced away, staring into the middle distance of the apartment with a glassy sheen clouding her dark brown eyes. '- but I can't be just some girl you kiss.'
JJ frowned. Her eyes brimmed with tears. She pulled her knees to her chest. 'You're not just some girl. Not to me.'
Emily's heart stuttered. JJ's words were heavy at the bottom of Emily's stomach. She swallowed. With the energy and grace of a toddler on pixie-sticks, Emily pushed off the bed. She stood quickly too quickly - soft socks slid over cheap wood flooring. Before JJ's mind could spiral into tornado territory, the fridge opened with a soft thunk and Emily pulled out two glass bottles. They were icy cold against sweaty palms and Emily's fingers whitened as she clasped them too hard.
'Aristocratic cola or diplomatic lemonade?' Emily asked, holding the single-serving bottles up to JJ.
JJ startled slightly, taking in the artesian glass and Emily's pink flushed cheeks.
'Um, lemonade?' JJ answered, as if she were unsure of her answer.
Emily nodded definitively, sauntered over to a drawer and grabbed the bottle opener. She nudged the drawer shut with her hip. Once she had made it back on the bed, Emily made quick work of the bottle caps, abandoning them somewhere on (or near) her bedside cabinet with a tinny clatter. She handed JJ the expensive bottle of bubbly lemon.
JJ took it slowly. 'Why do you have $30 lemonade?'
'I don't think they were $30. But I take your point.' Emily sipped at her cola, the bubbles tickling her nose. 'It's my mom's idea of love. I think she thinks I'm hosting dinner parties or something - she keeps sending hampers of fun drinks -' She made air-quotes on fun. '- or charcuterie boards. But I just end up eating most of it after a shift when I can't be bothered to cook.'
JJ burst into a small but persistent giggle. 'Expensive soda, cheese and crackers?'
'Sometimes she sends grapes. I suppose she's come to the realisation that the poor college kids are in need of nutrients.'
'What? You can't buy yourself vegetables?' JJ quipped.
'I can. I can cook them and everything,' Emily faux boasted. 'But I don't want to. Not after working a ten hour shift on a Saturday.'
'Your mom is an Ambassador, though, right?' JJ asked, carefully. She dragged a finger up and down her glass bottle, letting the condensation pool on her skin.
Emily nodded and swallowed thickly. 'I don't want her to pay my way.'
There was a bitterness through Emily's tone that JJ couldn't have missed if she tried. JJ nodded slowly, understanding. Although JJ was a scholarship student, she had spent plenty of time around wealthy kids at the college; Carrie had been one of them. Will always said that JJ should go out, meet other friends, not just hang out with the first three people she had met because she knew their names. But, if JJ was honest, she didn't hang out with them either. Saying 'I studied with Carrie' just sounded less sad than 'I studied alone in the library and hoped no one would see me'.
JJ sighed heavily.
Emily's head tilted. 'A penny for your thoughts.'
'Hmm,' JJ hummed. Then shook her head. 'You know how people say you'll make new friends in college?'
Emily nodded, her fingers twirling over the glass neck of her soda.
JJ's head bobbed. 'I didn't. Not really. And -' Her brows knotted for a second before smoothing out. 'I don't really want to.'
'I get that,' Emily conceded. 'I only really have Derek. And we knew each other from school. I suppose you came with Will, so…'
JJ leaned her back against the headboard and spread her legs out in front of her. Emily waited.
'Me and Will… We'd been together forever.' A thick ball of breath deflated in JJ and her chest fell as she sighed. 'I came to this college though, because I got a full ride. He came here because he got a full ride too. Our parents had this whole thing planned. We'd go to college, they'd humour me, then we'd graduate, he'd go on to become the best police detective ever and I'd…' She swallowed. 'I'd probably be a mom with a white picket fence.'
Emily twisted, her shoulder against the headboard. Her eyes traced JJ's profile: the soft line of her nose, the small glitter of her blue eyes and the glow that seemed to surround her pink lips in the low lamplight. Emily's own mouth fell open lightly as she listened to JJ speak.
With the sudden jolt that came with the realisation that JJ was finished speaking, Emily blurted, 'And that's not what you want? Kids? Suburbia?'
JJ's head tilted side to side. 'Maybe. Probably. But not without a career. I want to work. I don't know what I want to do. But I know I want to help people. I don't want to be some generic PTA-soccer-mom.'
'So, career and kids?' Emily prompted, watching how JJ's gaze drifted over the spines of her many books on the shelf in front of them.
'Yes - both,' JJ mumbled absently. Then, she leaned forward to kneel on the end of the bed. 'Is that… Italian?' She pointed at a particularly thick volume stacked awkwardly on top of a smaller book.
'Yes?' Emily replied, a embarrassed flush creeping up her neck.
JJ scrambled closer to the books. 'And French?'
Emily bit the inside of her cheek. 'Yeah, but I haven't read that one yet so -'
'And I don't even know what that one is,' JJ said, mouth hanging open in astonishment as she picked up a thin book with unrecognisable characters on the front.
'Arabic.'
'Arabic?'
Emily shrugged. 'We moved around a lot.'
'So… can you also speak all those languages or do you just collect them?'
'I also speak Spanish. But my Russian sucks.'
'Oh, well, if you're Russian sucks,' JJ rolled her eyes and then slapped Emily's leg playfully. 'Emily!'
'What?' A small smile crept over Emily's indignant expression.
'You didn't tell me you were a polyglot-multilingual-genius!'
'You didn't ask,' Emily threw back.
JJ immediately sobered. Her eyes flickered between Emily's. It was as if she was searching them - looking for the girl she had seen at the party - the girl who had stood up for her, had fought Carrie for her.
She had thought Emily was so… hard.
But now, as JJ watched long lashes flutter against makeup-less cheeks, she saw the softness that had enveloped her under the bleachers. Nude lips and a soft dab of concealer under deep hazelnut eyes, JJ saw a young woman who just wanted out of - whatever the hell she was stuck in. JJ saw someone like herself.
'You're right. I didn't ask,' JJ mumbled. 'I'm sorry.'
Emily shook her head. 'I wouldn't have told you if you did.'
JJ abandoned her empty lemonade bottle on the side-table. Emily mirrored her. Then, with a little too much enthusiasm, JJ bounced a little back up the bed, planted herself firmly in front of Emily and pursed her lips together in an adorable little scrunch that made Emily's heart constrict.
'Tell me now,' JJ demanded.
Emily snorted a short laugh. 'Tell you what? You know now.'
'Tell me whatever you want, Emily Prentiss. Tell me all about you.'
'Ah…' Emily nodded slowly. '…Nope. I don't do that, anymore. I don't -' She shook her head firmly. 'I don't spill my guts out over a sugary drink with a pretty girl.'
JJ's breath stuttered. 'Pretty?'
Emily's mouth popped open and her chin dipped downwards. She looked at JJ through her lashes.
Invisible lightning crackled between them. JJ's eyes widened and her lungs ached. She swallowed, glanced over at her empty drink, then back at Emily. Emily's lips rolled together as her focus remained locked on JJ's open mouth.
'I won't be the other woman,' Emily murmured into the space between them.
'You wouldn't be,' JJ whispered back.
Emily frowned.
'I broke up with Will.'
JJ's fingers pulled at her bottom lip.
'You broke up with him? When?' Emily asked, suddenly reaching out for JJ.
JJ's fingers laced through Emily's as they sat facing one another, atop the soft green comforter, knees clashing.
'After the party. He -' Her fingers twitched. '- He said all this awful stuff about you and -'
'- You didn't even know me, JJ, you didn't need to -'
'- No, Emily, let me finish.'
Emily recoiled a little. But her fingers tightened around JJ's and nodded at JJ to go on.
'He wasn't being homophobic. If that's what you're thinking - it was just…' JJ bit her lip until it pinched just enough for the pain to linger after her teeth let go. '…He said you overreacted to what Carrie said. And I thought he under reacted.'
Emily sighed. 'But it was just the final nail in the coffin, wasn't it? Your get-out-clause?'
JJ wiped a tear off her cheek with more force than necessary. She nodded.
'Because…' Emily started tentatively, dipping her head to catch JJ's eye. For a second, she could feel the stale-air from under the bleachers on her skin. Their conversation had made it's way into Emily's bones. 'Because you don't like boys, do you?'
JJ shook her head. 'No.'
Emily nodded thoughtfully. Then, slowly, she raised her hand to JJ's jaw, cupping it gently. With one thumb, Emily wiped away the weary tears that streamed from JJ's eyes with veneration. JJ's head tilted into the touch and Emily moved closer. With extreme care, Emily slid her arms around JJ's shoulders and pulled her into the worn sweater until Emily could press a gentle kiss to sleek blonde hair.
JJ's fingers wrapped themselves up in the fabric as silent tears fell and her breath started to even out. Emily smelt lightly of sandalwood and lavender laundry detergent. The light shushing noise that fell from Emily's lips ran down JJ's spine and trickled into her stomach, her heart and her lungs. Muscles unclenched. Her chest filled and emptied.
It took a while. But JJ's eyes eventually opened.
Pink and a little snotty, JJ looked up at Emily. Emily's long hair waved lightly around her pale cheeks as she smiled.
'You okay?' Emily mumbled, her fingers still tracing soft circles and figure eights against JJ's back.
JJ nodded and cleared her throat. She tried to push herself up, but Emily held firm.
'Mm-Mm, wait a minute,' Emily said, a red undertone creeping up her cheeks. 'I like holding you.'
JJ's smile was coy. 'Bold.'
'A little,' Emily shrugged. 'But I think you like being held?'
A shared sigh. They held eye-contact for a second and it felt like coming home.
'By you,' JJ breathed. Her gaze flickered to Emily's lips.
'Yeah?' Emily's tongue darted out, wetting her lips instinctively.
'Yeah.'
'Would it be okay if…?'
JJ was nodding before Emily could get the whole question out. JJ surged up and clashed their mouths together. Despite the hard launch, when their lips met, JJ backed off - tentative and exploratory. Emily melted into JJ, leading the kiss with a sigh that felt like the first breath after being underwater. Mouths never parting, Emily lead JJ until Emily's back was pressed hard against the headboard - a pillow haphazardly squashed behind her. She gently ran her hands down JJ's waist, soft fingers resting at JJ's hips as Emily pulled JJ to straddle her lap.
JJ gave a low chuckle as she swung a leg over and settled against Emily's thighs. Everything sparked. A wildfire ran through JJ, through the kiss and spread, burning all the way down to Emily's stomach. JJ's skin sparked and tingled. Her breath caught as Emily's hands grasped a little more firmly and pulled them so that their bodies were flush. JJ's shoulders stiffened.
Emily pulled away. She frowned, tucking a dishevelled strand of hair behind JJ's ear. 'You okay? We don't have to do anything you don't want to do. It's okay if you're not here yet. I don't want to ru-'
'No,' JJ cut in, seemingly having rebooted. 'No, Emily, it's not that it's…'
Emily gazed up at JJ quietly, her fingers trailing softly up and down JJ's biceps. JJ weight settled again, allowing Emily's body and bed to hold her - to cradle her. And she trusted it.
JJ swallowed.
'You don't have to explain, if you don't want to,' Emily provided, allowing her hands to rest softly against JJ's waist. She didn't pull or push - she just hung there. Present. Listening.
Delicate fingers rested against Emily's shoulders.
'I don't want to…' JJ started. She exhaled and her breath tickled at Emily's cheek before she continued. '…I don't want to bring my ex-boyfriend up right now.' She shook free the thought but tears pooled lightly anyway, blurring at the edges.
'You can, JJ. It's not - Look,' Emily said; a little confidence crept back in. 'If you need to take control or not do something you did with him or…' Her shoulders shrugged as if filling the space with or anything else. 'I'm not him. I'll give you whatever you need.'
Emily wiped a escapee droplet from JJ's cheek.
JJ's hand rested atop Emily's, clutching it to her cheek. She leaned into it. 'When Will and I would… make-out - or whatever,' JJ started to explain, suddenly awkward and shaky. 'He would be on top.'
Emily buffered for a second, her mouth open in confusion. Then, as if the sensation of JJ sitting on her thighs had just dropped on her like a anvil, she jolted.
'Oh,' Emily started to push JJ back. 'I didn't mean to - No one has to be -'
JJ's hands clasped Emily's shoulders and dragged them back together.
'No.' JJ's lips tickled Emily's as she spoke. 'I like it. I'm not trapped.'
'You're not trapped,' Emily repeated quietly, as if the words hadn't left the thin space between their lips. 'And you're in control,' she assured.
JJ nodded slowly. She tipped her head forward, breath brushing Emily's ear. 'I haven't fully… done it,' she admitted.
Emily's gentle palm rested against JJ's chest as she gently pressed her back. She examined JJ's face quickly: scanning pink cheeks, worried lip and glassy blue eyes.
'You haven't had sex?' Emily clarified.
JJ shook her head staring down at where their bodies met but seeing nothing.
'That's okay,' Emily shrugged. 'I knew that.'
JJ's brows furrowed as her head snapped up to meet Emily's warm gaze.
'Well… not that you hadn't -' Emily pursed her lips and tried again. 'I know I'm your first woman. So… it makes sense to treat it like your first time.'
Soft pink lips curled before an awkward and slightly gawky grin spread across JJ's face. She started to giggle, almost inconsolably, and her forehead fell to Emily's shoulder. Emily seemed to catch JJ's contagious laugher and pulled JJ into her as she laughed too, her dimples creasing her cheeks until they hurt.
When JJ's quivering breath levelled out against Emily's neck, they sighed. Emily carded her fingers delicately through JJ's hair before JJ slipped from Emily's lap and rested against the headboard.
'I'm sorry,' JJ mumbled, her fingers finding the small dents in her lips deftly.
'You have nothing to be sorry for,' Emily assured, taking JJ's picking hand gently and intertwining their fingers.
'Can we start again?'
Emily whole face seemed to soften. 'You think we started badly?'
JJ shook her head definitively. 'No. But I want to do this properly.'
'Okay,' Emily smirked. She shifted on the bed between them so that they were facing one another. She slunk her free hand into JJ's other hand and pulled JJ by both wrists to kneel before her. Their knees clashed a little and Emily shifted back - just to allow for the softness of the bed beneath them.
JJ lungs sucked in a breath, which got stuck on the exhale, as she stared at Emily expectantly.
Emily straightened her spine and her nose scrunched before a lopsided smile settled on her lips.
'Jennifer Jareau,' she started, with a giddy solemnity she hadn't felt since she was a teenager. 'Would you like to go on a date with me?'
'Ha,' puffed from JJ, an exhale rather than a word, her shoulders almost collapsing in on one another.
Emily grinned as her heart pounded in her throat.
JJ straightened too, matching Emily's faux confident posture. She tossed her beautiful blonde hair back, squeezed Emily's hands until her knuckles turned white and whispered:
'Emily Elizabeth Prentiss - I'd love to go on a date with you.'