Chapter Text
Avery stares at his turned off computer on his desk from his bed. It’s been two days since Derek died.
He didn’t die. He’s alive. He’s alive and well. Nothing bad happened to him. And Avery believes it. He believes it so he stays in bed and cries himself to sleep.
If he believes it, why is he crying? Avery doesn’t know for sure. He knows Derek is alive.
He hopes Derek is alive.
He stares at the screen, waiting for something. That something Avery himself doesn’t even know. Maybe he’s waiting for it to turn on, who knows?
Maybe he’s waiting for a message saying that Derek is dead.
His roommate, Mason, isn’t back from his parent’s house. He’s not supposed to be back for the next two weeks.
Avery hopes he can clean the dorm before he gets back.
Avery knows he can clean the dorm before Mason gets back. Why wouldn’t he be able to?
It’s not like he’s grieving someone or anything. Why would he be?
Derek is alive, He lies to tells himself.
Avery’s phone gets a notification. It’s from Mason, asking him if he’s okay.
Avery doesn’t respond. He’ll do it later. He knows he will do it later.
He told himself that for the next week.
For the next week, Avery sat in bed, only getting out to go to the bathroom and make instant noodles. The house is a mess.
I will clean the house! He tells himself.
He doesn’t clean the house.
I’ll respond to Mason’s text later! He tells himself.
He doesn’t respond to Mason’s text. Or Mason’s calls. Or his voicemails.
But he does it for good reason. That’s what Avery thinks—knows! He knows it’s for a good reason.
What he doesn’t know is that he’s in denial.
Avery’s staring at his monitor again. He hears the front door open. What the freak? He thinks.
There’s footsteps. Step. Step. Step.
Then the door to his room opens. “AVERY! What the fuck happened to you man?” A worried voice, Mason’s worried voice asks. “You didn’t respond to my messages, and the dorm is a mess!” Mason points to the clothes on the floor.
Avery stares at the clothes on the floor. He told himself that he would clean the dorm up. “…You weren’t supposed to be home yet…” Avery whispers, his voice hoarse, like he hasn’t used it in weeks.
Mason sighed, “You had me worried—and I still am worried! What happened dude?”
What happened?
What did happen? Why is he acting like this. Nobody broke up with him. Nobody died, so why is he acting like this?
Nobody died.
Nobody died.
Derek died.
Derek died.
Avery’s eyes widened at the realization that he’s been denying for over a week.
Oh God, Avery thinks, Derek is dead. Derek is dead and it’s all my freaking fault.
”…I-I-I…” He stammers. He can’t say it. He doesn’t want to believe it.
Mason’s voice cuts in. “Avery, take your time. If you don’t want to tell me, you don’t have to,” Mason gently says.
“…He-he-he’s dead. Oh God, he’s dead. Mason he’s dead.” Avery chokes. Mason’s jaw drops. “Who’s dead? Avery—who is dead?”
Avery looks at him. “His name… his name was…” He can’t say it. He’ll cry if he does.
He cries even without saying it, a wretched sob comes out of him.
“It’s okay, it’s okay, Avery. Let it out.”
“BUT ITS NOT FREAKING OKAY! HE’S DEAD. He’s… dead, and I can’t save him.” Avery snaps.
Mason takes a step back. He tries to calm Avery, “Calm down Avery. It’s okay. I’ve been—“
”CALM DOWN? HOW… HOW CAN I CALM DOWN, KNOWING THAT—that… that he’s fucking dead, and I couldn’t do anything to save him.” Avery basically yells.
Mason flinches at that. He knows he needs to stop this. “AVERY!” Mason shouts.
Avery stops. He looks at him, tears running down his face, eyes red, hair messy.
“Calm the fuck down, for God’s sake.” Mason says. “Yelling at me isn’t going to do anything. It’s going to do nothing at all. Trust me, I’ve been through the same situation.”
He’s been through the same situation?
Oh… Danny. Avery remembers. Danny was Mason’s best friend. Maybe even more, Mason didn’t tell much. Danny died in a car accident. Mason didn’t cope well.
That makes Avery feel just a tiny bit better, knowing that someone has felt the same way as he felt. It feels wrong to feel better knowing because someone has been through the same pain as you.
“But he’s dead, Mason.” He whispers. It hurts to think that Derek is dead. “He died trying to… to save me.”
Mason just stares at him. He doesn’t know how to react, even though he has gone through the same thing.
“It hurts to think about him.”
”I know, Avery.”
”…He tried to save me. He tried to save everyone.”
”I know, Avery.”
”It hurts, Mason. It fucking hurts.”
“I know, Avery. I know.”
“…”
”If you’d like, we can talk about it.”
“I’d like that. I’d like that a lot.”
They did talk about it. It’s been a week now. Avery’s been getting better.
All that’s going through Avery’s mind though is a lot of what ifs. What if Avery didn’t check his inventory. What if Avery had dodged the punch? What if Avery clutched instead of falling to his death?
Mason tells him to not think about that. Avery remembers something about grief that he was telling him.
Avery learnt from talking to Mason that his Minecraft world was also acting up, and that Wifies also made a video on his videos. The same as Avery’s. Ironic, isn’t it?
Mason was in the same situation as Avery. But Mason had moved on.
How would Avery move on?
Would he ever move on?
Would he ever be able to love someone again?
He needs to stop thinking about this.
Avery just doesn’t know how to get out of this situation.