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His hands were trembling. Dick couldn't make it stop. He wished he knew how to function right now, but his head was empty except for the shame and guilt and the feeling of "Wrong! Wrong! Wrong!"
He didn't know how long he'd been sitting here, in his kitchen, a cup of hot water cooling down while the tea bag was lying forgotten a little to the side as he tried to get himself back together.
He was a grown man, damn it, and nothing had happened—nothing that he didn't want to happen anyways. And he did want it, he truly did, it had felt good, and the other had been nice to him before, Jack or Jake or something similar—definitely something starting with a J because…
Dick swallowed hard and tried to push the mean little voice further into the back of his mind where it continued to whisper that "J" should only ever stand for one person. Somehow Dick managed to always find people who reminded him of Jason when he went out to flirt and dance and maybe pick someone up for the night. However, if Jason could see him now, he'd surely be ashamed of Dick. Of his weakness and his guilt, because he was so gross and pathetic and wrong.
His whole body was shivering now even though he didn't feel cold, not on the outside at least. Maybe he should have put on more clothes after all.
He was only wearing boxer shorts because they had been close by, but everything else had been out of reach, and it had felt impossible to reach out, as if putting on a shirt was too much effort when usually he could handle a whole workout without a single complaint.
He regretted not forcing himself into more layers, though, because sitting in the counter chair in his underwear made him feel naked and vulnerable in a way that had nothing to do with how much skin he was showing. Being exposed like this dug deep into an uncomfortably soft part of his heart, and he wished he could have gotten up and just gotten some oversized shirt to cover up, but moving was hard right now.
So instead he stayed seated, half-naked, curled in on himself a little more tightly than before as he let his gaze trail over the dark bruises around his wrists. It looked like it hurt, but he didn't actually feel it.
He had liked it before, really, to be tied up and have to focus on all the sensations without having to do anything else but lie back and take it. Letting yourself be vulnerable could be something so delicious in the right hands, and Jack—or Jake—had been treating him well. He had known just how to touch him; he had made sure that Dick got off. His hands had been just the right size to wrap perfectly around his throat (the same size as Jason's), and then he had squeezed, and Dick had gotten so beautifully lightheaded…
Everything was fine—and then Jack left.
They'd had fun, Jack had made Dick come, he had used Dick's body for his own completion, and then… then he just left. Which was to be expected; they had both just wanted a one-night stand after all.
Jack had untied Dick, he had kissed him one last time, then said something about how they should do this again, and Dick just nodded and… watched him leave.
Logically he knew he should be happy, that he had gotten what he wanted and should feel better than before, but as he absentmindedly rubbed over the raw skin of his wrists, Dick's heart squeezed painfully in his chest. He had to swallow back the desperate sound that threatened to spill from his throat when the door to his apartment fell shut and the loneliness was falling over him like a heavy blanket.
It hadn't even been that intense of a scene. They had used some ropes, then there was the choking, some impact play… okay, maybe Jack had degraded him a little more than Dick had expected, and it would have been nice to be told afterwards that it wasn't true, that he wasn't just some dirty slut spreading his legs for anyone who gave him so much as a smile.
Something seized all of a sudden in his chest, and Dick sobbed, raw and painful. The problem was, it was true, wasn't it? It was exactly what he had done; he had gone out in some skimpy outfit and took home the first person who was nice to him because the one he actually wanted would never love him back because he was… he was worthless, nothing but a slut, only good for being used once and then thrown aside.
The tears threatened to fall, stinging right behind his eyes. God, he was so pathetic, desperate, everything Jack had told him he was, trying to get someone to want him at least for a while, but as soon as they had gotten what they wanted and he didn't have anything else to offer, he was entirely worthless, just a worthless piece of…
The sound of his door slamming shut again had his body locking up and his back going straight as if the pretense of "good posture" could hide what a mess he was right now.
For a moment he thought that Jack had come back, that he'd forgotten something, and instead of hope or happiness about the prospect of seeing him again, Dick only felt dread. No one could see him like that; they would take one look at him and know, how disgusting he was, how pathetic—
Then Jason's voice reached into the kitchen, and Dick's heart plummeted even faster.
"Hey Dickhead!"
Jason's voice echoed from the wardrobe as the younger man slipped off his jacket, talking to Dick without actually seeing him but knowing that he was there. Jason always knew when he was around (and the shoes and the light and the fact that Dick's phone was lying on the table were adding to that certainty. Jason had always been too attentive for his own good..)
"I brought some food, I thought we could do another night of dinner and swapping our case files and..."
Jason rounded the corner and froze, the bag with his groceries still in hand, ready to put them down on the kitchen isle—where Dick was sitting in front of, half-naked and bruised, with tear-filled eyes and trembling hands.
For a moment they just stared at each other, Jason's face completely unreadable, while Dick was like a wide-eyed deer in headlights.
Then Jason put the bag down hard and Dick flinched. He knew there was no reason to be afraid of Jason; he trusted the other with his life, and yet he felt so vulnerable right now, so delicate, as if one single wrong touch could get him to shatter into a million pieces.
"Who did this to you?"
Jason's voice was calm, dangerously so, and Dick started shaking. He couldn't help it; he knew the anger wasn't directed at him, and yet, being at the receiving end of Jason's intense emotions right now felt like being set on fire.
He shook his head, unable to speak, pulling both his legs up on the counter chair so that he could curl up more tightly. He needed something to hold onto, to feel grounded before he fell apart, even if it was his very own body. Because honestly, what else could he hold onto? Everyone would leave; he wasn't worth it, he wasn't…
"Dick."
Jason's voice snapped him back to reality.
With a start he realised that Jason had gotten closer and he hadn't even noticed, too caught up in his own head.
"Dick, please. Talk to me. What happened?" Jason's words were gentler now, warm and soft, like velvet, and Dick found himself answering before he had any time to think about what to say.
"It's nothing. Just a stupid one-night stand I haven't recovered from; it's fine. It's okay. I'm fine, I promise, I just… I need…"
He bit his lip. He wouldn't beg for comfort. Not now, not ever. He didn't want to scare Jason off with his neediness.
Jason's eyes were sharp, his lips tightly pressed together as he held back whatever he so clearly wanted to say, but when he opened his mouth, his voice was soft again.
"So you took someone home? Here?"
Dick nodded. Shame flooded him, and he had to drop his gaze to the floor. He didn't even know why he felt so guilty about all of this; he knew that hooking up wasn't shameful. They were both adults, and they had joked about things like that countless times before, but somehow, right now, knowing that Jason knew now that someone had touched him like that; that the proof was still written all over his body made him want to tear his skin off.
"And they hurt you?"
"No!" Dick's head snapped up.
Oh god, Jason was thinking… that's why he was so gentle. He thought that Dick was a victim! It was the reason why Jason was holding back, why he hadn't approached him any further, why his voice was so goddamn careful… he thought that Dick had been hurt and he was trying to make him feel safe. He didn't deserve this.
Dick's lips started trembling, and he bit down until he tasted blood. He wasn't a victim. He had chosen someone he was attracted to, he had taken them home, they'd had consensual sex, very consensual—and then Dick had broken down like some delicate, fragile little thing that didn't know what it was doing. He had known what would happen, he had asked for it, he had wanted the other to leave, he just… he was simply too needy!
He was leading Jason on, soaking up all the care he shouldn't have even received. He needed to tell him, to push Jason away before the other realized what Dick was doing and got angry at him. And then he'd tell Dick to his face to get himself together, that he was a grown man, that he should be able to handle some rough sex in his own home, that he didn't need to be coddled afterwards or held or reassured or…
The sudden yearning pierced his chest like a physical object, and Dick barely suppressed the gasp. He would have given anything right now for someone to do exactly that: to hold him and be kind to him and tell him that he wasn't worthless, that he could be enough. But who in their right mind would do that? He wasn't some child; he was supposed to be resilient, and instead he was only… only…
"Pathetic." The word was out before he could hold it back, and Jason blinked at him in surprise.
"What?"
Dick couldn't have Jason fuss over him any longer; he would break, he would lose the last bit of self-respect and beg for some comfort if he didn't do something to stop this right now.
And so he did the only thing he could; he attacked by dragging his weaknesses out in the open and using them as a weapon against himself.
"I'm pathetic. I'm not hurt. At least not in any way I didn't want to be hurt. I went out to hook up with someone, and I did, and he was great. He fucked me just the way I wanted, he tied me up and choked me the way I asked him to, and then I... I just…
I'm needy, okay? I need someone to come pat my head and tell me what a good boy I've been and that calling me a worthless slut was a lie and all that stupid, sappy, cliche kind of stuff. I didn't tell him that though, and he left, so now I'm sitting here, too stupid to make myself a cup of tea and waiting until the feeling of being a useless fucking loser goes away—all because someone didn't pat me on the head enough."
His voice had gotten louder towards the end, sharp enough to cut glass, as each word delivered another slice into his own vulnerable heart. He deserved it though, for being so weak, for leading Jason on and then driving him away.
Dick stared at him tensely, waiting for a reaction, for a laugh, a scoff, something disdainful maybe, but all of a sudden Jason's face was a carefully schooled mask of neutrality.
Jason nodded, after a moment, as if he had realised something that he had already suspected, and then asked calmly:
"Would you like me to take care of you?"
"What?" Dick had expected anything but that. "Are you… are you joking right now?"
Jason shook his head. "No, Dick. I'm serious. I think you're dropping—a sub drop, if you've heard of that? You need reassurance now, someone to help you feel safe and ease you back down to reality. Ideally someone you trust. It doesn't have to be me; I can call whoever you want me to. However, I won't leave you alone right now—and I also won't let you talk about yourself like that again."
Dick swallowed hard. His heart had picked up its pace at the last sentence, stupid, hopeful organ reading into things where there was nothing to gain but heartbreak.
"You… you don't have to… I'm fine, Jason, really. I'm sorry I couldn't help you with case files tonight; I'll make it up to you, we could do it tomorrow when…"
"Dick…" Jason interrupted his rambling, his voice so warm and gentle that Dick involuntarily leaned towards it.
"I don't care about any case files right now. I care about you though. Always. And you're not really okay right now."
Dick opened his mouth, ready to argue again, but a simple gesture from Jason kept him quiet.
"Please, just listen to me. I know it's hard to trust someone, especially when you're feeling so wrong and vulnerable right now…"
Dick stared at him, wondering how Jason could see through him so easily. Usually Dick was pretty good at hiding his feelings, even the stronger ones—or else Jason would have long clocked the massive crush that Dick had harboured on him since they were teenagers and would have turned on his heel.
So as long as Jason was still here, his secret was safe. Something in him settled at that, his thoughts shifting a little. As long as Jason was here, he was safe. The thought felt so right, so comforting, that Dick sighed in contentment as some of the unease and tension slowly started to seep out of his body.
"That's it." Jason smiled at him like he'd done something good, and Dick preened.
"Can I touch you?"
The question almost knocked Dick off balance. Since when did Jason need to ask? He always brushed against Dick when they were out on patrol; he knocked into him on purpose to tease him or patted his shoulder unless…unless this was something else? Was Jason asking him for something more than that because he had seen how easily Dick gave it away?
Having Jack call him 'easy' had felt exciting in the beginning, but knowing Jason thought of him like that felt like a punch to the gut. Dick had wanted Jason to see him like more than a patrol partner for years, and yet, now that it might possibly be true, he felt unprepared. He didn't know if he could handle being Jason's sloppy seconds right now and then have him walk out on him as well. He'd break watching Jason walk out on him.
Jason had offered him comfort before—so was this what he'd been offering? Sex out of pity, to make him feel better? And more importantly, would he be desperate enough to do it, just to know what it felt like, even if it was entirely fake? Was it worth it to be loved by Jason for a little while even if he'd break his own heart with it?
The distress must have shown on his face, or maybe it was the complete silence that gave Dick away because Jason gave him an encouraging smile.
"It's okay, you can say no to me at any time; I won't be mad at you or leave you alone out of spite, I promise."
Dick's heart ached. He wanted to be with Jason so, so bad, but how was he supposed to piece himself together after this? How could he go back to what they were after he'd know what it would feel like to lie in Jason's arms, how his kisses would taste—if Jason even wanted to kiss him, of course.
"I'm… I'm sorry, I don't think I can… I want to, I swear, I just… I can't…"
Jason shushed him softly. "It's alright, Dickie, really. You just looked like you could need a hug, so that's why I offered, but it's perfectly fine to not want that right now."
"A…a hug?" Dick furrowed his brows. "Why would you ask me if you could touch me if it's only for a hug?"
The relief and confusion accidentally made him let down his guard a little more, and he leaned further towards Jason, almost toppling over on his counter chair.
Jason instinctively reached out, ready to stabilize him, but before his hand could touch skin, he pulled back, apparently taking Dick's words seriously even though this was not what Dick had wanted to say with his stuttered statement at all.
"I told you, Dickie, I think you might be experiencing sub drop. Some people feel very sensitive during it, and even something they usually enjoy, like a hug, could be too much while being in that state. I don't want to overwhelm you. I want to help, I promise. You know me. You know I wouldn't abuse your trust or take advantage of you, right?"
Dick hesitated. Of course he knew Jason would never push him past his comfort zone like that. And yet it felt weird for Jason to simply offer all this—and even weirder for him to accept that offer. They rarely ever hugged if it wasn't some post-mission "close call" relief-hug. And they'd definitely never done it while Dick was half-naked.
"I…why would you want that?" Dick deflected, his heart beating painfully against his chest now. He wanted so badly to accept, for Jason to get closer and put his arms all around him, to cover him with his body and do whatever he wanted to him as long as he wouldn't leave—but he was terrified of the fallout.
Additionally, actually asking for it felt like a herculean task, and he wished that Jason could have read his mind after all and simply taken charge to spare him the humiliation of having to spell it all out.
Luckily, Jason figured it out on his own just fine, maybe from Dick's eyes or maybe from the way he was still leaning forward in his counter chair, because he slowly, carefully took Dick's hand and placed it onto his own shoulder. Dick shuddered from that simple contact alone.
"I want to take care of you because you're important to me, Dick. And I want you to feel safe."
Then he took Dick's other hand and did the same, placing it onto his other shoulder just as slowly, with his grip impossibly loose, so that Dick could have pulled away at any time. Jason was so obvious in making sure that Dick could easily resist him or ask him to stop what he was doing between each step that it made Dick's mind all fuzzy.
He didn't want to resist, though; quite the opposite: he only wanted to get closer, to lean in further, and to have Jason's full solid weight against his own body and all around him.
"You don't have to tell me with words what you want if that's too hard right now; I just need to know that you would stop me if I'm doing something that's making you uncomfortable. Could you do that for me, Dick?"
Dick nodded, relief washing through him at not having to force out the words that lay so heavy on his tongue.
"You can say 'Stop' or 'No' at any time or simply push me away. If that's too hard as well, then you can just tap me three times, and I'll immediately let you go. Is that okay?"
Dick nodded. There was warmth spreading throughout him, starting from the places where Jason's body was touching his. It was as if he'd accidentally cut off his blood supply before, and now it was rushing all back. It was nice and a little weird and also somewhat overwhelming, and Dick shuddered again.
"Can you show me please? Can you say 'Stop' and then tap me three times?" Jason kept pushing. Apparently he didn't want Dick to just drift off like that before this discussion was finished.
So Dick obeyed, without thinking, first the three taps against Jason's shoulder, then the words. In response Jason gave him a beautiful smile.
"Well done, Dickie. You did so well and listened so nicely to what I asked."
Dick could feel his knees getting weak. Suddenly all the exhaustion from before threatened to drag him under, and he barely had enough time to warn Jason before his frame started to wobble.
Luckily Jason seemed to have expected some kind of reaction like that of him, because he quickly tightened his grip and held him upright.
The whole of Jason's front was pressed against Dick's body, but it didn't feel strange; it was warm and solid and so, so good. Dick sighed in content, his muscles growing lax without his permission, as if Jason were some sweet kind of relaxant and Dick had swallowed him all down.
"I think…I think I'm really tired, Jason." He mumbled into the man's shoulder.
He couldn't see Jason's smile like that, but he still heard it in his voice as the other spoke.
"Yeah, I bet you are. Good job for telling me. It must have been so exhausting to try to keep yourself together after everything. You don't have to do that anymore, though. You can let go now. I've got you."
If Dick could have melted any further into Jason's hold, he would have done it right there. It was so nice to be held like this, to be reassured by Jason's words and presence and to feel the other's heartbeat against his own skin. Jason's voice was so soothing when he spoke, like a balm settling in all of Dick's wounds.
"I can take you to bed in a minute. I'd just like for you to drink something first, maybe get a little snack, just something quick and simple."
Dick was ready to protest, to tell Jason that he didn't want any water or any food, that he'd rather stay here, in this embrace, but apparently the way he started clinging to him more tightly told Jason enough. He chuckled, obviously amused instead of bothered by Dick's antics, and brushed his lips against the top of Dick's head in a barely there kiss.
"Don't worry, you won't have to let me go for long, and afterwards you can rest all you want, promise."
Jason reached out over Dick's shoulder for a glass, struggling a little as he turned on the tap one-handed to fill it without letting go of Dick in his arms.
Dick was so glad that Jason hadn't made him let go and instead started to caress along his back, a gentle, reassuring pattern that made him feel grounded while the other put a bit of distance between them to place the glass of water into his hand.
Dick didn't feel like drinking it, but Jason looked at him so expectantly that he took a sip, just to be nice. The water was cool and soothing, and suddenly Dick realized that he was actually parched. He downed the rest of the glass in a few gulps, catching his breath and slowly feeling like he was coming back to himself.
Damn, he'd really been out of it for a little while.
Coming back to himself also meant being more aware of his body, and even though Jason's closeness felt safe and warm, there was a bit of that shame and embarrassment seeping back in.
Jason, perceptive as always, noticed the tension rising in Dick's body and loosened his grip immediately to give the other more space. Luckily he didn't step away from Dick completely or else Dick was sure he'd done something rash, like reaching out for Jason's wrist and holding onto it like a scared little child.
"It could be a little difficult to make you food like this—I might need a little more room to work with," Jason teased him softly, but Dick immediately shook his head.
"That's fine. I'm not hungry anyways."
Dick wondered if it would be the same way it had been with the water, that he'd realize he was actually starving after taking the first bite, but he still didn't want to risk it if it meant letting go of Jason.
Dick could feel Jason's eyes on him, all contemplating, as the younger was apparently figuring out if he should keep pushing Dick and get him to eat or if he should just let it go. With an exasperated sigh Jason decided for the latter.
"Okay, no snack then. But as soon as you wake up again and are feeling a little better, I'll make you something to eat and..."
Dick's humourless chuckle made him stop in his tracks.
"What?"
Dick shook his head as an answer, but Jason wouldn't let it go.
"What is it? You don't trust my cooking?"
Dick gave him a look.
"That's not it, and you know it. I've eaten your cooking before. It's just…with what you're doing right now, it's like you have to do all the work without getting the reward for it."
Jason furrowed his brows. "What are you talking about?"
Dick bit his lip as the embarrassment made him avoid Jason's eyes.
"You know, like… like after a one-night stand, when the other person is going the extra mile and being all sweet, letting you cuddle and making you breakfast… but they got to fuck you before, so at least they've been getting something for their effort. You're doing all the work though without the sex beforehand. There's nothing in it for you."
Jason looked utterly offended. "Dick, what the fuck!"
With a gasp Dick's head snapped up as his own words sank in and he looked at the other in shock, "Oh my god, no, i wasn't suggesting that you wanted to, I was… I wasn't implying.."
Dick was trying to pull back, turning away to hide his face, but Jason wouldn't let him.
"That's not what I'm pissed about, Dick! What are you talking about? Taking care of you is nothing bad! You're making it sound like it's this big, awful duty that you have to sweeten for people by letting them get to have you first, almost like… like you've got to pay for their kindness with sex!"
Dick swallowed hard. Hearing it aloud—and from Jason, of all people—made him feel even worse. Jason still couldn't see; something kept him from perceiving Dick as he really was. Maybe it was some last remnants of that teenage hero-worship that made Jason blind to the truth, but it didn't change the facts: Being with him wasn't easy.
People always left, sooner or later, even though Dick tried his hardest to make them stay. It didn't matter if it was a long-term relationship or a one-night stand—as soon as Dick let them in properly, they walked out on him.
Not getting any answer or reaction seemed to make Jason even more frustrated. He tried to hide it, but Dick knew him too well for him to get away with it.
"Dick, look at me. Who told you that? Who made you believe that you have to 'make up for' having needs by selling yourself and using your own body like that."
'Selling himself'… so Jason wasn't that blind after all. He knew how pathetic Dick was, how easily he sold himself out. Jack's voice echoed in his head. "Dirty little whore, you like that, don't you?"
Instinctively he held tighter onto Jason's wrist. He'd do it again, in a heartbeat, and also so much worse if only it would keep Jason here by his side for a little while longer.
"Why are you bothered so much by it? It's a simply transaction, that's all."
His voice was flat, hiding all the turmoil inside his chest.
"But Dick, Dickie…" Jason sounded almost sad now. "Love isn't transactional. Not like that."
A scoff was all he got as an answer.
"Not for everyone maybe, but for someone like me it is."
Jason shook his head. "That's simply not true! Think about Babs and Kori or about…"
Dick's heart clenched the more names Jason recounted. It was like tiny little stabs into his heart, each new name a reminder that he had tried his best, had given it his all—and it still hadn't been enough. They had all left him, every time.
He was alone and he always would be—except for the fleeting moments where he could lure someone in and take them home for one night. That's all he'd ever get from now on.
He wasn't so delusional as to think he could be in a relationship again. There wasn't any room for that in his life anymore; he'd had his futile attempts at it, and now that he had lost his heart to Jason, he didn't stand another chance.
Dick had managed to get over the others that came before him, but he would never be able to get over Jason. It had been too long now. He's had years to get over him, and yet, the yearning only got worse.
He probably deserved this, being consumed by this hopeless kind of love.
Jason had died. And no amount of pain Dick was in could ever atone for it. Jason had given enough. And yet here Dick was, all selfish and greedy, asking for more and more and…
"Dick? Dickie, please… talk to me."
Only when Jason's words filtered did he realize that he was quietly crying. God, he really didn't have an ounce of shame in him left, did he?
"I'm… I'm sorry, I didn't mean to let myself go and be all emotional like that, I just wished that… that one of them had stayed. They never let me explain or make up for my mistakes, and…and it's my fault, really; I just wish…I fall in love so easily, why can't I be the one to be loved just as much in return? Just…just once…at least for a little while."
"Dickie…" Jason placed a hand against Dick's cheek to wipe away the tears with his thumb.
"It's not your fault. Relationships fail sometimes; it doesn't mean they didn't love you. We all have busy lives with being heroes and vigilantes.."
Dick turned his head away even though all he wanted to do was the exact opposite: to lean in further and get as much of Jason's gentle touch as the other would let him have.
"It wasn't like that, though. We didn't just grow apart; it was always… always me. The moment something happened, they broke it off; they didn't even let me explain or give me a chance to make up for it…"
And there he was, still being selfish and greedy and just wanting, wanting, wanting. He'd learned nothing.
"I'm not saying I deserved a second chance, I just…"
It would have been nice to not be discarded so easily. But who was he kidding? As soon as things were getting difficult, his body alone wasn't enough to make up for the effort of a proper relationship anymore. He needed to learn to offer more, to provide more, but it felt like he gave and gave…
"I wish I was easier to love."
Jason looked like he was as deep in his thoughts as Dick was, and his grip subtly tightened.
"You are."
Jason had spoken so quietly that Dick almost missed it.
"What?"
There was a pause and then Jason repeated, louder this time and with emphasis.
"You are, though. Easy to love."
Dick shook his head as if his ability to be loved was a simple "yes or no" answer.
"You don't have to be all nice and try to lie to me; I know perfectly well that that's not true. I'm difficult, I'm stubborn and demanding, I stick to rules too much and expect others to follow them as well, I'm a perfectionist and meticulous, and I get too focused on some things while overlooking others, and then there's the whole thing with my parents and my complicated history with Batman and me being Nightwing and..."
Jason stopped him before Dick could spiral.
"I wasn't trying to be nice here. Why do you always see the worst in yourself? You'd never talk like that to someone else, but when it comes to your own worth, you're ruthless!
You're incredible, Dick! You're kind and brave and talented; you've got such a big heart, and when you believe in something, you give it your all. You so easily draw people in, and I don't know anyone who's actually immune to your charisma.
Despite your history and everything that happened in your past, you're still so optimistic and hopeful; it's infectious, actually. You could have let all the crime-fighting make you harsh and bitter, but you're still full of light and full of humour.
You're so compassionate; you even throw yourself in harm's way to protect strangers—a little too willingly for my liking, actually. You're witty and smart and the best detective Bludhaven ever had.
You're daring and fearless, strong-willed and determined, and a natural leader. It's not easy putting teams of superheroes together and making them work towards the same goals, but you did it again and again. Because people believe in you. They have trust in your skills and abilities, your heart, and your moral compass. It's impossible to be around you and not fall in love with you."
Dick stared at him, and in that moment of silence Jason realized what he had done. He'd been so focused on making Dick understand that he was beautiful, inside and out, that he had basically confessed. There was too much detail in there, too much heart's-blood, for it to be just a 'friendly uplifting speech'.
Tensely he awaited Dick's reaction—a shocked gasp maybe or a confused question—but instead Dick made a wounded sound and hid his face behind his hands as if Jason had slapped him.
"How can you say that? How can you praise me like that after everything I've done to you? After you died and came back and… and even before, when you were young, I've neglected you at best and blamed you for things that weren't even your fault. You just tried to belong, and you had been alone for so long and had suffered so much, and I… I wasn't there!"
There was so much raw pain in Dick's voice, so much compassion, that Jason's heart seized in his chest. He'd thought for a long time that no one cared but had figured out ages ago that he'd definitely been wrong about that. If he hadn't known for sure though, then he'd have definitely found out now, with Dick choking on his own emotions while hiding from Jason's eyes because he couldn't stand to face the guilt—a guilt that wasn't even his to carry.
"That's all in the past now. Don't think about it; I'm over it."
Jason wasn't fully telling the truth there because if he was honest, he wasn't sure if he could ever fully get over dying and probably coming back wrong, but he was definitely over blaming Dick for any possible part in it.
Dick didn't let him smooth it over so easily, though, and gave him a disbelieving glare—which Jason still took as a win because at least it meant Dick wasn't hiding from him anymore.
"Are you kidding me? You just got into a screaming match with Bruce over it last week!"
"That’s different!"
"Yeah, right…"
Jason could feel his cheeks colour in embarrassment but instead of changing the topic like he usually would have done he kept going. This was for Dick. The other needed to finally understand where they were standing.
"Because you changed and Bruce didn’t. You did your best to show me that I meant something to you and that you would have done everything you could to keep me from dying. You were ready to kill for me, Dick. And it wasn’t even your fault.
It wasn't your duty to talk me out of that situation or to make me feel loved and safe enough to confide in you before it all went down the drain—that was supposed to be my adoptive father’s job.
You’ve atoned more than enough, Dickie, for something I didn’t even ask you to atone for. I forgive you. I’ve forgiven you a long time ago, and I thought you knew, but apparently I didn’t make it clear.“
Jason tipped up Dick’s chin so that the other was properly looking at him and could watch him spell out each word.
"You're forgiven. For everything. So whatever it is you think you still need to suffer for, you can stop now. You can let go. You deserve to let it all go.“
Jason could feel the tremble in Dick’s lip even before the tears came again. At first they were quiet tears, but it was obvious how hard Dick was trying to hold back, and so Jason pulled him back into a tight embrace to hug him safely against his chest.
"Shh...shh, you’re okay, Dickiebird. You can let it all out; I’ve got you. You don’t have to feel guilty anymore; it’s okay now. You’re okay…“
Jason just kept talking, whispering soft reassurances into Dick’s hair and letting the other cry at his shoulder until his shirt was soaked through with Dick's tears and the desperate sobs slowly turned into shaky breaths.
He still didn’t let go, and to his surprise, Dick didn’t move either. They just kept sitting there, together, listening to each other's heartbeats as Dick slowly calmed himself back down.
"Jason?“
The younger hummed as a sign that he had heard because Dick’s face was still tucked securely into the crook of his neck. This way Dick’s breath hit Jason’s sensitive skin there every time he spoke, and Jason suppressed a shudder, afraid that his reaction would make Dick uncomfortable.
"Those things you said before… about me being amazing and all that…“
There was still a certain tone to Dick’s voice that suggested he didn’t fully believe him, but he wasn’t completely dismissive of it either.
"Did you mean it? For real? Or were you just trying to cheer me up? It’s okay if you were; I don’t need you to think so highly of me, I’m okay as long as you don’t hate me."
Jason shook his head, breathing out a humourless chuckle.
"You're such a stubborn person; you wouldn’t believe someone admired you even if they gave it to you in writing. I guess I’ll have to tell you again and again until you believe me. Repetition is supposed to get even through the thickest of skulls.“
Dick smiled, and Jason could feel that against his skin as well.
„Hm, I guess you should do that..."
"Huh?" Jason had expected more resistance from Dick, not that the other would actually give in like that. "Careful, I might take that as permission. Before you know it you’ll wake up to two or three messages a day about how great you are, with one of them possibly even being romantic poetry." Jason answered teasingly, but there was just enough truth in it that his heartbeat kicked back up.
Dick laughed at that, but there was a warmth to it that teased a smile out of Jason as well.
„It might take me some getting used to it, but to be honest, it doesn’t sound so bad getting messages like that from you.“
Jason blinked. If someone had told him this morning that he’d end up with his arms full of Dick after what had basically been a confession on his part while Dick was agreeing to receive romantic messages from him, he would have asked that person what they’d smoked.
„Your subscription to the romantic-messenger-service a la Todd is hereby confirmed," he mumbled under his breath, knowing that Dick was close enough to hear it.
The older turned his head a little, nuzzling his face closer into Jason’s neck and effectively rendering the younger speechless.
"You're still a romantic at heart, aren’t you? Even with everything that's happened, nothing could snuff out that flame in your heart…" Dick's hand absentmindedly trailed across Jason’s chest until his palm rested right over Jason’s heart.
"I'm glad. You deserve to find a love for the ages, one that would fit into those books you used to read as a kid."
Jason placed his hand over Dick's before the older could pull away.
"It needs a special person for that kind of love… and I just told them in detail how special they are. So now the ball is in their court."
Jason could feel Dick stiffen, and for a moment he thought he'd gone too far, that Dick had only been fine with his confessions as long as they could still be plausibly denied if needed—but then the other basically melted into his embrace.
Dick shifted a little to be able to wrap his arms around Jason's neck. There was wetness still clinging to his lashes, but his eyes were as bright and blue as a sunny sky.
"Are you sure about this?"
Jason reciprocated Dick's gaze without any doubt or hesitance. His heart had decided a long time ago after all.
"Yes, I'm sure. And just to get a headstart on your insecurities: I’ll be taking this seriously, today, tomorrow, and every day after that. I know what I'm doing, and it isn't just a spur-of-the-moment kind of thing.
If your mind tells you tomorrow that this was all a mistake or that I was just trying to get with you to make you feel better or out of pity or whatever other reason you might come up with to hurt yourself—it isn’t true.
I want you and have wanted you for a long time—all of you, not just the perfectly polished version you think you need to be in front of others. And I’ll gladly tell you what you mean to me again and again until you start believing it yourself.“
Dick shuddered slightly, but Jason couldn’t tell if it was a good or a bad thing this time. The older looked a little overwhelmed, but he was also still holding onto Jason like he never wanted to let him go.
"So we’re really doing this then, huh? We’re really making this a thing, you and me, with hugs and romantic messages and telling the other that we want them...“
Jason turned his head to brush his lips against Dick's temple in a fleeting gesture full of sweetness.
"You can call it what it is, Dickie. I want a relationship with you. I want to properly date you, cook for you, care for you, bring you flowers, take you out… and everything else that entails.“
He could feel the way Dick swallowed hard before answering. "I...I'd like that, please." Then, after a little pause, he added, "And you don’t have to worry about me breaking down every time after sex; it’s not a usual thing for me, I was just…“
Jason shushed him softly by placing a finger over Dick’s mouth. It was a very nice excuse to caress the other's soft lips. He got lost in it for a moment, stunned with the sudden realisation that if Dick would let him date him, he might be allowed to kiss him too. How long had he dreamed of kissing those lips!
"There's no need for you to explain or to trivialize this. Of course I hope you don’t drop again, simply because it's an awful experience and I don’t want you to feel so horrible. I also hope I'll do a proper job as a partner and make you feel safer and more loved than any one-night stand ever could. But if it does happen again, for whatever reason, then I’ll be there and I’ll catch you. I’ll always be there for you, Dickiebird. And if you can’t believe me fully yet, I’ll just prove it to you for the rest of my life.“
Dick’s eyes searched for Jason's until they met and the overwhelming love and emotions Jason saw in them stole his breath away. Dick smiled, a little shy but blindingly beautiful.
„Yeah, I think... I think you'll be great at that."
~