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I watch everybody as we sit in the waiting room. Nobody is talking, and nobody will explain what's going on or what to expect. All I know is that Joyce Summers, a woman who was kind and cared for me deeply, is gone forever. I don't know what to say or what to think, and whenever I open my mouth in these situations, everybody tells at me, and I don't know if I'm allowed to cry because nobody else is, not even Buffy or Dawn, and if they're not crying surely it's not the right thing to do? But my leg is bouncing and Xander keeps shooting me those looks, the ones that mean that I'm not doing this right. And I just keep breaking and breaking, and I don't know how nobody is crying or speaking, nobody is saying anything and that's possibly the worst part. How are we meant to be there for each other if none of us talk? I don't get it.
Willow mutters something about getting some water, and walks off. I follow her. "Willow, what an I meant to do? I don't know what I'm supposed to do to help. I want to help but I've never done this and then...oh God you need to deal with your own grief and- Willow, I'm sorry!"
"It's fine!"
"This is the sort of thing I'd ask her." I murmur, voice cracking slightly as the tears spill over onto my cheeks. She nods.
"I know. Believe me, being here is enough right now, okay?" I nod in reply, burying my face in my hands.
"Is it okay for me to cry if nobody else is?"
"Of course." she murmurs, her own eyes filling with tears.
"I don't know what to do or what to expect. And I feel awful asking you because you're grieving, but so is everyone else."
"I know, I know. I promise it's okay."
I wipe away my tears before going back to the seats. I feel my wrists humming with electricity and sit on them so they don't flap. I just sit patiently, trying not to cry nor look too happy. None of this feels right. It makes me feel wrong, or out of place. Dawn is still sat in horrified silence, as she was when I left.
And now she dreads the day she succumbs to mortality, because she'll put people through this. If anybody still cares about her by then.