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Julien is gathering supplies and packing as he sees in his periphery the person he remembers as Azune approaching him.
“Ah. You.” Azune had had the audacity to pull him outside on the night his family, friends, lovers, and guards he had trained had been murdered to tell him that the past always comes back to haunt you. Yes, that had been a bold choice. And had seemed so judgmental that Julien did not remember him from being on the periphery of something that happened twelve years ago. He had almost thought for a moment that the man had lured him outside to kill him in revenge. What a fucking end to that night that would have been. But Julien had also realized the need to be able to work with some of these people; that under the circumstances he had little choice. He and Aranessa needed allies. So he had held it together, just enough, and played nice, just enough. Part of Julien wonders if he is here to give him a lecture or say weird, vague threatening things again.
“You remember who I am this time. That's something.”
Hah. That snarkiness again. It is annoying, but he kind of likes it. “...yes, very amusing.”
The corners of Azune's mouth tilt up but it's perfunctory and it doesn't reach his eyes. “First I just wanted to say I'm sorry for what happened to you that night. I don't think I said it then, and I should have.”
Julien involuntarily whips his head over to look at him. What the hell? Why is this nigh stranger blindsiding him with talking about that with no warning? He also finds himself suddenly remembering the moment he had asked Julien if he had a death wish, and the unexpected vulnerability of the answer that had come out, raw with trauma, as 'I haven't decided yet' ghosts through his mind, and he feels a little uncomfortable. He blinks and looks back down to continue bagging things.
“And I want to apologize. When we spoke, I clearly did not communicate what I meant very well. I should have known it may have come across as threatening, or gloating, what I said about the past coming back, especially considering the timing, which is not what I meant at all. I meant I would be on your side if that past...does come back.”
Right. That part. That had not made sense. Is that really what he had been trying to say? It had kind of gotten lost amongst all the other shit and Julien hadn't been able to focus very much to try to parse it out at that time. ...What? It seems like such a big promise; why would anyone make it? Julien stands up so he can see the other man's face better. “...Why?”
“As I said, I was trying to shortcut some trust to get everyone on the same side.”
It just does not seem to add up. “Hm. And you are really willing to stand against those you fought alongside, for that? If I were to hold you to your promise, you will keep it?”
“I am a man of my word.”
As if that sort of lip service could ever be proof in itself. Obviously it is impossible to tell if that is true, yet. He could be a liar. Or he could be stupid, making grand promises to many people, that he would not be able to keep even if he tried. Why had he gone out of his way to offer something? Why was Julien that important to gain as an ally? A dozen thoughts and suspicions flit through his mind.
Julien picks up his bags and starts walking, pausing as he passes Azune, turning his head to the side to look him in the eyes.
“Well perhaps someday we will find out if you are.”
Julien continues walking.
He will not be holding his breath.
~ - ~
He probably would have felt more comfortable being paired with one of the traveling companions he has at least spent several days with, but it does not really matter who it is. He understands the importance of allies, but he is not focused on them right now. He has a rare moment of pause, just a few hours, and he has something else in mind.
He goes to a barkeep he trusts, but pays anyway for their silence for good measure. It is a respite to be somewhere a little more familiar, with sweet, sweet alcohol. Not literally sweet. Strong, though. Nice and strong. It hits him like a wave of relief, like he is taking his first deep breath in days.
Azune is still next to him. They had not spoken much on the way here. He does not seem to be that big of a talker this time, which is a honestly a blessing, as Julien is not really of a mood to begin a conversation either.
It has all been quite an ordeal recently. The massacre, then the running. Then he had had to separate from Aranessa (who had been his only anchor, in a way, in those recent days), when the threat to those he cared for had became overwhelming, to both their houses and the Barrowguard. When he had chased after his battalion and found what he found, he had lost even more than he already had, and been left again with people he didn't know well, and couldn't really trust yet. And now he has to work with yet newer people, who he knows even less and can't trust even more. It is not how life threatening situations are supposed to be. Fighting is supposed to be alongside people one has trained with, built trust and bonds with. Yet, circumstances are as they are.
He gets through a few drinks then feels it is time to move on. “Well, I need companionship of a different kind. If you are not going to let me go anywhere alone, I guess you will just have to follow me and wait outside the door.” Seeing the look on Azune's face is a little bit fun.
“Julien,” Azune says slowly, “risking being seen is really not a good idea -”
“Well are you volunteering?” He jests. Part of him wants to see how far he can push that strain underneath the false patience in Azune's voice, wants to see what he would be like when that broke...but it is not as compelling as his plans. So he takes momentary delight in the look he has managed to put on Azune's face, the utter disorientation, says “I didn't think so. Come.” and walks away without further ado.
Julien is not stupid. He has been using a disguise while on the streets, he has his hood up, he is choosing his path carefully, and he knows any of the courtesans he is familiar with can be trusted. He is being careful. And he is leaving the city soon anyway. He has a block of free time right now, and the rarity of that in these days makes this worth a bit of risk.
On the walk, Julien has a brief fantasy about what positions he would like to have Azune in, as he tends to do when he meets any attractive person. But despite how some people may see his promiscuity, he does not actually have any interest in having sex with anyone he does not like, much less has trust issues with. He genuinely likes everyone he sleeps with, and he does generally sleep with them, he does not just leave or ask them to leave when they are done having sex. Many of them are his friends. He would fight with them, he would die with them. He maintains multiple friendly relationships with people he has bonded with and built trust with, that he sees day to day to train and fight with, and has had or continues to have sex with. And when he sees courtesans, he usually sees the same ones; they have a rapport. So the musings are just a casual, idle entertainment to accompany him on the walk. And, Azune would probably be very boring, he realizes, so he tires of the daydream quickly.
He has sort of been able to process everything that happened to him, in bits and pieces, and it does not feel like he might be dreaming anymore, but even more shit has happened since then. He has been through a lot of shit recently. And he had been barely able to see his friends at Castle Torch for any time at all (which had been the first time he had smiled or laughed in days; he had forgotten all his problems for just a few minutes), and he needs intimacy and release and to be around people he has known longer that he can feel a little happier around, so badly. He is looking forward to it.
~ - ~
He knows this group all think of him as an asshole. Tactical opinions have to be communicated, and he sometimes simply has neither the patience nor the inclination to honey his points to make them sound gentler or more palatable to other people (though it is a skill he can utilize when he chooses), so it can come across as sharp. And sometimes it is very important to be honest about the level of trust between the group and be realistic, to know what everyone's motivations are in any current mission, for the safety of being able to make tactical decisions and protect oneself if there is a chance others might betray. That is vital with people he does not know well yet. He also has a prickly sense of humor that comes through, and maybe these people are not used to it yet. And, he actually exercises some discretion about when to speak and when to hold his tongue, he thinks, and stays quiet a lot. Though sometimes the quiet is because he is not interested in interacting with the people around him or in what they are saying, if it is not relevant to strategy.
He is now again in the position of having to engage in combat with new people he does not know well. He attempts to assess their skill sets, fighting styles, and overall how much it is safe to trust them. His previous traveling companions had not let him die in battle. There was not complete trust, but some. These new people seem to be about the same way. Tactically, of course, he thinks they would be more effective if they trained together more. He had observed some things about Azune's style, with the practiced eye of all of his experience teaching and fighting. Julien is more deft with a weapon (he would certainly hope so, as he spends day in and out teaching it to many others), but Azune is very difficult to land a hit on. He's stronger than Julien, too, not that he needs to use it very often, because he has magic. That is a little irritating. And the fighting skill is all in addition to him seeming to be one of the brains of the scheming and manipulating operation the group has going on. He is remarkably well rounded and skilled. Curious.
He hears about some of the things Azune had done. Planting evidence, getting someone fired, trying to manipulate the houses into fighting one another, helping to orchestrate a secret troop of guards. It is a little terrifying, actually. Useful, though. Julien overall prefers more straightforward fighting, not that political nonsense. He can and is willing to manipulate (mostly with his sexuality), up to a point, if he feels like he has to to increase his safety. He was born into a noble house; he can speak well, or turn on the charm, or stay silent when he needs to. It had been trained and bred into him. But it can try his patience.
Knowing that Azune is such an accomplished liar that his whole career is a lie undertaken in order to be an insider for a dead rebellion makes Julien unable to always tell if he is being honest. And Julien knows that just because people are on his side now, does not mean that they will not change that in the future. Unfortunately, Thjazi had taught him that with his betrayal. He takes that all into account when gauging how much trust is appropriate to extend. Trust takes time.
~ - ~
Julien is feeling the blessed relief of getting a break from the rest of the group. They were being so annoying and yappy today and had taken forever to get moving. He had sustained some injuries in a fight that there had not been enough healing available to tend to, which had been a good reason to stay behind in this inn room. Azune is here too, but he is less annoying, so that is okay. They had promised to bring back food for them and Julien does not mind waiting for it. Wine is more important than food anyway.
He retrieves a bottle from where he had stashed it and gets started opening it. Yes, the day is better now.
“Where did you even get that?” Julien looks over to where Azune is speaking from one of the beds.
“Ah, do not question my ability to make sure that I have wine.” he says cheekily as he gets it open and throws it back.
Azune says nothing to that, just raises his hands up and looks down, almost playfully.
There is quiet then, as Julien settles on one of the other beds, relishing in not having to deal with anything for a little while. He starts thinking about his philosophy that part of being a good soldier involves learning how to bond and trust, something he has mentored many in. He knows Azune a little more now, and feels a little more comfortable with him. He looks over and sees him sitting against the headboard with his eyes closed.
“So what do you do for fun? Do you ever have fun? Do you have hobbies?” He speaks his thoughts out loud.
Azune opens his eyes, and does not seem to have any thoughts about the concept of fun whatsoever. Wow. Julien realizes he is leaning forward on the edge of the bed. “So you really just work all the time and then sit and do nothing and then go to sleep.”
Azune seems as if he is conflicted about that, or confused, or something. Whatever it is, he does not say anything. All right. That's it. Trust involves bonding, bonding should involve enjoyment. And this man clearly needs that philosophy more than anyone he has bonded with ever has. He has seen enough of Azune's behavior being trustworthy thus far (not complete trust, but a start) to be ready to start bonding with him properly. In one of the best ways he knows how. With alcohol.
He gets up, walks over, and holds the wine in front of Azune. “You...really need to learn how to have a good time.” Azune looks up at him and holds his eye contact for a moment, seeming undecided, but then takes the bottle, drinks, and hands it back. Julien sits on the floor, leaning back against the side of the bed.
They talk casually about recent events and fights, and strategies for what might happen next, as they pass the wine. Not exactly fun, really.
“You know something I said before - I really am jealous of your ability to describe how you feel, and just...say it. I meant it. I...admire it.” And suddenly Azune is talking about something completely different. Julien takes a breath and tries to catch up to the switch in subject matter. What the hell is with this man and suddenly launching into surprising emotionally confronting conversations? It is nice to be complimented, he supposes, he just was not prepared for the whiplash of the sudden earnestness.
Azune continues - “Sometimes I don't know who I am or how I feel. I've been doing things other people wanted me to for...always.” He is glancing around and gesturing with his hands. He is tipsy. Well, at least he has a weaker constitution than Julien. “Sometimes so much of my life feels like...pretend.”
Hm. Julien is collecting together all of the things Azune has just said. Doing things other people wanted, pretending...Thjazi. Who put Azune in the Revolutionary Guard as, essentially, a spy. That must be it.
Ugh. They were all so obsessed with Thjazi and spending all their time figuring out every little detail of every mysterious plan he had started before he died that he had not explained to anyone. Thjazi, who had abandoned and betrayed Aranessa, and hers and Julien's families; screwed them over more than once. Fuck him. Traitor. Temperamental, unreliable, disloyal bastard. Thimble too. That is what made someone riff raff. Not their born station.
His anger pivots slightly, almost as if he is angry for Azune, for Thjazi treating him like a pawn, and maybe angry at him, for agreeing to be one.
“Thjazi is not your master. And certainly not anymore.” And good riddance. “You don't just have to do whatever -” he waves his hand for emphasis “- you think he wanted of you.”
Azune looks a little startled. “Who said I was talking about Thjazi?” The look on his face is telling Julien, that, oh yes, he had indeed interpreted his stream of consciousness correctly. That is satisfying.
“I read between the lines. Or I'm biased. Do something for yourself for once, heh?” Seriously, clearly this man desperately needs to do something for himself. Moreover, Julien can sort of understand it. Though they had had very different life situations, and have very different personalities, Julien's main function had been to protect House Royce. He had been born with a role. And he was and is fiercely loyal. But he had also had to fight, at times, to have things in his life outside of the purpose that had been put upon him. He had insisted on being himself. In the interest of bonding, Julien decides to say some of this aloud. He takes a drink. “I, uh, can partially relate. Being raised to serve and fight since birth, you know.”
“...Ah, right. Of course.” Azune seems to be thinking about something. “So how do you...do things for yourself?”
Julien blinks in surprise. Oh, wow. That is such an oddly endearing, innocent, sad question. This poor, sad, wet rag of a man. They are just starting to get along, so he chooses to try to keep those thoughts out of his facial expression. He does not really know how to answer other than from his own experience, really.
“Hm. Well, maybe getting yourself to a place you actually like. For me, Castle Torch. We train hard, but we also drink, and enjoy each other. Enjoy life. Camaraderie and bonding and pleasure...it's important. It's part of building trust for us.” Julien drifts off into a series of many pleasant memories. So many amazing fucks, too...he is missing them... It would certainly be a more enjoyable place to be right now, than the mess he is actually in.
“You miss it there?” He sees that Azune has been watching him.
“I do.” And he allows his voice to be sincere. “We fight against the darkness partly by enjoying life despite the darkness. A lesson it seems like you could learn, I think.” So badly. A notion only confirmed by the slightly confused look on Azune's face. Julien laughs a little and takes another drink. “People actually like me there.” He adds. “And I like them.”
“We've spent enough time with you now. We like you just fine.” Hah. What a glowing review. He's heard much worse, though.
Right. Azune wants to know...what was it? Who he is, how he feels and how to say it out loud? Julien turns his sitting position to face Azune more fully. “Alright, now as an exercise I want you to say something that you think, that is not what someone else told you to think.”
Azune seems a little taken aback and almost amused. Julien enjoys having that effect. “An exercise? So you're teaching me how to...something?”
“Mm, yes. I am already starting to teach you how to have a good time” he gestures with the wine for emphasis “so while I am doing that I will also teach you how to be an individual person.”
A little too insulting, perhaps, but there's that look again. He enjoys putting people on their back foot. Azune takes the bottle from his hand, and Julien likes to think that there is a little bit of sass in it. Julien would love to draw out more sass from Azune.
“Alright,” Azune says, and drinks quietly for a few moments. “I don't like cranberry rolls. Everyone always brings them to every gathering, and sometimes I eat them to be polite, but I don't like them.”
Oh. That is very different in scale than what he had been thinking. Julien is having a hard time not showing his surprise or smiling so he uses his hand to cover it. “Okay. Sure.” He tries to reach more for his teaching skills in this moment. “Yes. Good. Try something a little more substantial now though. Think a little bigger.”
Azune seems a little lost about that. Wow. That's interesting. “Hmm,” Azune hums as he takes another sip then hands the bottle back to Julien, sitting back against the bed again. “This could take a minute.”
“Okay.” Julien shrugs and sits back again, toying with the wine bottle. “I can drink while I'm waiting.” He waits. For awhile, actually. It would seem this is genuinely difficult for Azune. Was that... the only opinion he could think of? Such a small thing?
He finally says, “I can't think of anything.”
Remarkable. To not be able to think of a single opinion. Or, maybe he does not want to share. “Well perhaps you will think of something in the future,” Julien says as he turns and gives Azune the remainder of the bottle. So far Azune is not nearly as much fun as many other people he has bonded with, yet he is intrigued to hear what he asked for. And at the thought of seeing Azune snap about something someday, or say something controversial, or do something for only himself for once.
Azune finishes the bottle as Julien hears the door open and someone say, “Are you being a bad influence on Azune?”
Hah. He looks around cheekily and says, “Not at all. I am being a good influence on Azune.”
And he means it.
~ - ~
What a shit day.
Julien and Azune are on watch, occasionally saying a few words but not much, when at some point in his tiredness Julien thinks about what had happened that day and begins to talk aloud without thinking too much about it.
“Well, if my father were here he'd be snidely commenting on my failure.” His voice still enters Julien's head sometimes, telling him everything he is doing wrong, looking at him dismissively, making him feel so diminished. “And my mother would be trying to force me to marry and procreate against my will.” And is that not just appallingly hilarious. A person having the right to choose what to do with their own life is a revolutionary concept, to some. In fact, it is still partially a revolutionary concept to Julien. He had found a purpose and a different life at Castle Torch, and that had only been a couple of years ago. He has that choice in his life, at the same time as he continues to have his duty. But that duty is not a burden, when it is to Aranessa.
Julien continues musing. “I never felt comfortable around him, actually. He never had anything nice to say, to put it that way.” He laughs almost, so many instances flashing through his mind. Turning to drink and companionship even more when he had had to be around his father because he was so stressed out, only to have his only pleasures lambasted and used as evidence of how horrible he was. An impossible and painful cycle. “One of the last of a small handful of memories I have of him being 'nice' or supportive or whatever was when I was probably thirteen. And it was because I placed on the podium in a fighting contest.” He takes a breath, holding on to that moment again. “It is a good memory though.”
Azune hums in response. Julien realizes that he is not really sure why he decided to share so much; he had not really made a decision to, it had just sort of come out. He feels slightly exposed.
“Well,” Azune says slowly, “with all due respect for the dead, it sounds like he was an asshole to you. They both are.” Oh. Julien is a little surprised. He had not meant it to be so serious, but Azune is reacting in a serious manner. And...Huh. Azune taking his side so simply and plainly is catching Julien off guard. “You are obviously very accomplished. Whatever he thought can't change that. I'm also pretty sure that parents are supposed to be loving with their children automatically, not having anything to do with just achievements.” Julien is completely taken aback. By the supportiveness, by the compliment, by the ideas. It briefly flashes through his mind that he would have been much worse off had he not had a kind adult in Aranessa when he was a child. His loyalty to her is personal, not just obligatory. He would be there for her with or without his name, or her name. It had not really occurred to him that maybe some parents could be like that. “I'm sorry for the loss, in any case. It's complex.”
Julien does not know what to do with all of this. He stares out at the dark landscape. He knows Azune more now, and is more comfortable with him, but not enough for this level of sincere exchange. He almost does not want to engage with it, is too uncomfortable... but at his core, he does want to connect, so he fights for that side to edge out. To at least acknowledge.
“I appreciate that.”
A few minutes later, Julien hears, “Did you really sleep with Alogar? Thaisha seems to think you did.”
Julien actually laughs out loud. Well, this is an unexpected topic of conversation. Is she still preoccupied about that? Delightful. “Ah, no. I was just lightly suggestive about what I could tell her assumptions were so she might not believe me when I said I didn't.” Although, Julien is not opposed to it. Perhaps someday. “The notion seemed to rile her up so much.” She should not be so judgy of Alogar's hypothetical sexual choices, anyway. Julien sees Azune turn his head so looks over as well, to see a somewhat admonishing look on Azune's face. “There was very little fun I could have during those days. You will not take this away from me.” Julien says playfully.
And, would you look at that, Azune actually smiles. A little. Azune had smiled, sort of, the first time Julien saw him, when he had been joking about asking what Julien's name was. Julien had not realized until being around him more, that both things were so rare. He has not really seen Azune engage in any sort of humor since that occasion. And right now, with just barely a turn of the corners of his lips, might be the closest he has ever seen Azune genuinely smile or laugh.
Julien smiles back, a little.
~ - ~
“...yes we could do that, and Azune could go flirt with the guard.” The group is making their plan, and Julien is contributing thoughts of who would be best at what task, based on what he has assessed their strengths and weaknesses to be so far. He has seen and heard of Azune's skill at talking his way in and out of situations, obviously. And he knows what Azune looks like. He checks out his appearance today head to toe to make sure everything looks good, as always. Yes, those two things combined should work easily. “You should have no problem.” He says objectively.
He's surprised to see Azune looking uncomfortable. Huh. That's interesting.
“Do you have trouble being looked at?”
Julien is partially jesting, but Azune looks a little taken aback and lost for what to say. Right. So that plan is not going to work, then. Has he found a weakness in the prodigy's skill set? It's curious; he's seen Azune have emotionally loaded conversations, and yet it seems like there is something about this task that is throwing him...a task that is so much smaller and easier, to Julien. Why is he reacting this way? Maybe despite his experience with deception he may not have any experience doing so using sexuality; maybe he is uncomfortable having attention or commentary on his physical appearance; or maybe he is flustered with Julien, specifically, looking at him. That one is intriguing. Or it could be all of them. Who knows. Julien enjoys watching Azune flummoxed for another small moment – he does enjoy seeing people squirm – before turning back to the group at large to volunteer “Or I can do it.” And he certainly can.
~ - ~
Julien is finishing off an opponent when he sees that Azune is facing multiple. Often Azune is untouched by less powerful enemies, but these are not that, and he looks like he has suffered some significant hits. Julien is not doing too well, himself. He is not sure if any of them are. There are other opponents nearer, but Azune looks like he is about to fall, so Julien runs that direction instead. He weakens them and splits their attention for a short while, but then he feels a sharp, searing pain, and everything goes black.
Julien is suddenly gasping, eyes shooting open, and Azune is crouching over him. There is only time to give Azune a small nod of thanks before standing back up and entering back into the fight.
~ - ~
Julien's allies are rearranging into different groups, and everyone is readying their travel and saying their farewells to their previous companions.
Julien approaches Azune, who will now be on a separate mission to him. “Azune.” Julien reaches out to grasp his forearm. Julien is using the common, casual gesture to introduce physical contact, and to gauge how Azune reacts to it. And indeed, as Azune matches his grasp, Julien can feel his body reacting to Julien's touch, his fingertips squeezing perhaps a little more than they would normally, palm and forearm leaning in to him, lingering. Azune is physically attracted to him, he thinks. Maybe not consciously; he cannot see any reflection of it in Azune's face. And he could be misinterpreting, of course, but Julien has some experience with this, and he usually ends up gleaning correctly. It is a small thing, really. People find each other attractive all the time, and nothing else necessarily comes from it. But it is good to know.
“Don't die.” Julien says, and makes sure to hold the eye contact and brush his fingers ever so slightly against Azune's arm as he lets go of it.
Azune nods slowly. “You as well.”
And Julien does hope that holds true for both of them.