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Sakuya has always been the romantic type.
Collecting confetti at the end of every performance, getting matching items with the people he loved, keeping a pink hair tie around his wrist for years just because his sister gave it to him, dressing up for the first date with his fans, writing a list of facts about his members just to know them more… making a playlist for his favourite people.
The last one is something no one knew, except maybe for Riku, he always ended up knowing everything about everyone in the group. It was because of the comfort he radiates, he makes you want to be as honest and open as much as possible with him. So maybe Riku knew about this habit of Sakuya, but the person with the longest playlist yet, definitely had no clue.
Discovering new music has always been part of the job, for different inputs, genres to discover, artists to get inspired from, songs to recommend to fans… and songs that remind him of Ryo.
Sakuya and Ryo have known each other for more than three years now, back then Sakuya was, again, the romantic one, promising to stand on the same stage with this kid he just met. And since then, nothing was able to separate them. Ryo called him his best friend after two months of knowing each other, Sakuya asked him if he could kiss him one year from that date; Ryo asked him if he could call him “boyfriend” with their hyungs a couple months after shared kisses and shy laughs.
They just managed to make it work, everyone could see the effort they put in making their relationship last, even with being in the practice room all the time, even with no time to rest or sleep, they always found a way to enjoy their moments together.
When Sakuya started the playlist he thought it’d be a short one made up mostly by nct songs that Ryo recommended or the ones he, more than others, loved. He couldn’t know back then that he’d end up with an 8h long playlist and that he’d always be searching for new songs to add to it. He does not remember when he stated looking into western artists as well, he remembers even less how he stumbled across “Orbiter” by Noah Kahan, but after reading the lyrics, he has never added a song so fast to Ryo’s playlist.
"I look exhausted, oh still and awkward on the outside of the moment"
Because Sakuya always wanted to protect their bond in front of the cameras at least a bit. Whereas Ryo was very affectionate and not afraid to show his love, Sakuya always felt like he had something to hide in a way, that on his face his emotions shouldn’t show as much, that he should almost reject his person and just act tired of his shenanigans. This was true only on camera or in front of people he couldn’t trust.
Sakuya can still remember that one night after practice. It was during songbird promotions, Ryo had decided to stay back in the practice room way longer than necessary; he needed perfection. And how was Sakuya supposed to remind him that perfection can't exist in a world made of human beings? How could he get lost in semantics when in reality he did see how Ryo only wanted perfection to be loved, to be enough, to be at the same level as Riku or Sion, to be worth of their fans' love.
Sakuya couldn't explain that to him, but he could make sure he felt loved, at least at home. He stayed back with him, he decided to stay there and in the meantime order food that will be ready for them once they reach their dorm, he texted Sion asking if he could convince the others to have a Lego night, just for his person. Along with the food, Sakuya also decided to order a teddy bear, just because he could and the shop was on his side by being open for delivery at that time too.
Ryo was exhausted when he finally decided to lay down on the floor next to Sakuya and call it a day. The latter decided then that he would've done anything to make him happy, if buying a telescope was it, he would've saved money for it; if buying a star in his name is what would make a smile pop up on that beautiful face he so loved, he would've bought five.
That was the day Sakuya, silently and only in his mind, signed up for a forever with him.
"It's not my first time bitter drunk on a red carpet
Or my first time losing, and it won't be my last"
The first time they both drunk outdoors was after an award show they attended. They were finally eighteen, and even though they had tried a bit of champagne, that was just for the sake of it. Here, they had the blessing from their hyungs to try soju with them.
That was the first night they had tasted each other lips with a weird aftertaste, the first time they could feel their hearts literally on their sleeves because of and how fast their beats were and due to the warmth they shared.
Ryo has always been the ambitious one between the two. The one who wanted to debut as an NCT member and prove to everyone what that meant— it meant popularity, it meant strength, it meant long nights of practice, hands in front of your middle while standing, it meant awards and it meant being humble about them. Being successful as the last NCT unit, meant everything to Ryo.
Sakuya, on the other hand, was closer to Riku mentality wise. They were followers, whereas they had the other four members craving for success and fame, them two wanted just to see the other happy and to be together. Both sides of the medal were understandable in the industry they lived in, it was more normal to be like Sion or Ryo instead of Riku and Sakuya, but the others never blamed the last two for it.
They were drinking on lost awards and won ones, they were drinking on their late nights in the practice room, on their tired muscles, on their hidden tears. They were drinking on everything that hasn't been said out loud.
When they went back to the dorms it was easy for Sakuya and Ryo to find each other. Ryo wanted to dance, because of course he would, so they both put on headphones and the same song on it to freely dance in their cramped dorm room. Finding themselves in each other's arms was also predictable, written in their future like it always has been. They swayed together, they laughed until their ribs hurt, they kissed until they had no more air in their lungs.
"You're no more important than an insect on a window
They'll see you climbing but won't care until you get close"
The idol industry could be brutal, especially if you are not a fan's favourite. That's something Ryo has always told Sakuya, in the dark of their rooms, cuddled together he would sigh and express how hard it was for him to have someone paying attention to him as much as the other members. How hard he'd have to work just to be noticed. Sakuya couldn't get it, he was part of the most loved members.
They would argue about it sometimes. Loving someone through layers of self hatred and insecurities could be complicated.
"You just don't get it Sakuya! And since I love you I hope you never will."
"What do you mean by that Ryo?"
"I mean that I hope you'll always be a favourite, with your key chains and with your charisma, with your deep voice, with your pretty smile, with your aura— with everything you are and I'm not. I hope they will always love you for that. Do you know how hard it is to not be jealous of the person you love the most?"
Sakuya wanted to tell him that yes, he knew that feeling. Because he was also jealous of how kind Ryo could be, how selfless and caring. He always felt jealous of not being able to show love the way he did, jealous of his knowledge and his ability to act like he had already everything figure out. He did not tell him how jealous he was of his grit, of his passion for this industry they are stuck in. He did not tell him how the jealousy would creep under his skin when he realised that Ryo had found himself at the age of eighteen when he only felt a small molecule, fragile and breakable.
"I'm sorry people find me likeable and can't see how important you are to our group and as an individual"
"Yea, it's whatever. Let's just go to sleep."
And once they were in bed, cuddled together like two threads of the same shirt, Ryo spoke up again.
"I don't hate you for being loved. I hate feeling like a small bug added to this group just to make others shine more. I hate having to work five times harder just in hope to get noticed and for once to have my fancams being more viewed than the rest of you... I hate feeling these emotions, I hate being the almost "perfect idol" mentally and still not appreciated. Of course, I'm not as perfect as Sion when it comes to dancing, and I'm not on the same level as Riku when it comes to being born for this job. I think I should be good enough to be loved though, don't you think my Sakuya?"
Sakuya could barely form words, oh the way he'd burn the world just to keep this boy warm, the way he'd give up on all his dreams right away if it'd help him achieve his, if only he could something more other than loving him.
"I love you Ryo, I really do, you are more than enough."
Apparently his thoughts took too long to process, because Ryo was already fast asleep when he finally managed to pull those words out of his mouth.
"You said some people don't know why they're wolves
they just howl for the sound of it"
Ryo has always thought he was not made to be an idol. That was Riku, the one no one could see as anything but an idol. Always smiling, ready to do aegyo, ready to make fans happy, loved by most, determined to do good in all his possible skills. Great at fan-service.
All things Ryo worked hard for through multiple struggles, worked hard to achieve and still can't the way he would want. He is still not loved enough, not important enough, at least that's what he has always thought of himself.
Sakuya on the other hand, has always thought if anyone was meant to be an idol, that someone is Ryo. His beautiful and incredible boyfriend, with immense knowledge about this world through his time as a fan, with his sharp dancing, unique voice and pretty face. With his adaptivity to all sort of concepts, for being perfect for his fans in the way that it always seems like they would click somehow.
If idols were wolves that sometimes just sing for the sound of it, Ryo definitely was not one of them. He was destined for this path, it was definitely written in the stars up there, in the ones Ryo always love to look at. Sakuya has always tried to stargaze with him, always failed because he'd end up looking at Ryo instead; his brightest star, with a steady future in this industry written on him.
"Some will never know they're beautiful
until the crowds points it out for them,
But I see you through a camera flash
I look back and you laugh and this is hard"
The amount of times this has happened. Sakuya has always seen Ryo's beauty, from day one. He saw it in his curious eyes, in the moles next to his eye, in the messy hair and ugly clothes. He always saw his beauty, and he knew it'd be only a matter of time before others would also notice and adore him.
Ryo, of course, didn't see it that way. He has always considered himself average, not too pretty, not too ugly, just the classic Japanese guy, with maybe a decent voice for singing. He could still remember the first time a fan shyly told him he is beautiful. He is still able to feel his cheeks blushing and his eyes become unable to keep eye contact. Don't get him wrong, it's just because he has never experienced that before. Outside of his family and Sakuya, no one has ever openly said something like that meaning it.
He started feeling beautiful performing certain songs. If he was able to ignore the only few slogans with his name compared to the rest, he would be able to notice the gleam in his fans' eyes while they were watching him perform. He would be capable of seeing himself in their gaze, he could see himself as someone beautiful too.
Self-esteem has always been a red box in Ryo's list of "how to be the perfect idol". He was always ready to criticise his own abilities and skills, always more prone to the hard feedback than a kind one when it comes to himself. With time, and Sakuya, and the members, and the real fans, he was able to get closer to his so called "perfection". Slowly. He is never going to be loved like Yushi is, but he will never stop trying hard enough to reach that level.
Sakuya will never be able to understand how to explain to Ryo how beautiful he actually is. He has a gallery folder full of his photos, a wallpaper on his phone with him smiling in the loveliest way. It was sometimes hard for him to share. Every birthday became a fight with himself and his greed to hide the beautiful boy Ryo is.
Sakuya realised with time how jealous he could actually get. The first time he noticed this habit was when he saw a clip of Yushi hugging Ryo and making him laugh with the brightest smile. That was supposed to be him. Making him show all those teeth. It almost hurt to see.
"I'm on alien ground
I'm a college kid
with my windows down"
"Do you think we'd find each other in every universe?" asked Sakuya once, when he let his overwhelming love for Ryo flow out of his mouth.
"Do you think about that often? I don't know Saku, I can tell you I'm grateful to have you in this one, and that could be enough for this Ryo."
Sakuya doesn't tell Ryo that yes, he does think about it all the time. He thinks about all different possible scenarios. What if they were in college? Would they still find each other? Maybe through the same courses or maybe stargazing on the same roof. Sakuya hopes in that reality as well he'd end up falling for Ryo, that's what he wishes for that version of himself.
What if they were in their twenties, working in the big busy city of Tokyo, would they find each other somehow? Would they maybe end up at the same pub multiple weeks in a row? Who would talk to the other first, would one of them take that step, or would they keep hoping for it until it was too late? Sakuya hopes, in this universe too, he'd be brave enough to go to Ryo and tell him about how beautiful he looks under those lights, and how even more beautiful he'd look always standing next to him.
And what if they were the last two men on earth. Would they love each other out of need or out of want. Would they find out their souls are connected and always will be, or would they end up killing each other just to be the last man standing. Sakuya can only hope that in this universe, he'd let Ryo go gently, maybe causing himself the harm by leaving instead of end up hating each other.
The last scenario Sakuya always thinks about, is the one where one is the rose, and the other one is the boy in "The little prince". Would they be able to love each other fully? To not harm each other by leaving and making the wrong decisions? Would they be able to be the Sakuya and Ryo of this world in that environment too, on another planet, in other forms? Sakuya can only hope that, that Sakuya, would treat the rose with the care you'd use for a thing made out of diamonds.
"I'm an astronaut
You're the moon
I stare at you
I sing to you
I circle you"
If Sakuya were an astronaut, and Ryo were the moon, he'd never waste a minute not circling around him.
Sakuya has felt this since they started this career together. Even before completely understanding his own feelings, he understood that he wouldn't leave Ryo's side for anything in this world. He would always find a way to be around the other, to show him love and care, to sing for him at night when he couldn't sleep, to stare at him when no one else would.
Sakuya never once saw a future in his life without having Ryo draped around him like an octopus with only four tentacles.
Everyone else would maybe think that Ryo is the one that depends more on Sakuya, confusing his clinginess for pure need. Sakuya has always known he was the first one to fall in love, that he was the one remembering anniversaries and special dates. He has always known that he'd the first one to say "I love you", Sakuya has always known that out of the two of them, he'd be the one not able to survive one day without Ryo next to him.
Sakuya knows that in any universe, he'd need his moon to circle around, to sing for, to stare at... to immensely love.