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It’s a saying she’s heard before. She’s probably said it before herself but never until this moment has she truly understood the phrase – heart pounding in your ears.
She’s known fear before. The humming in your veins of pure adrenaline too. This – this is different.
The screams begin to fade as the courtroom empties out and Hailey just tries to breathe. Finds herself staring at the spot where a few moments ago a projection had sprawled across the far room of the court room.
She can’t move.
She’s not sure her legs would even manage it if she could.
‘Ma’am, stay put. Help is on the way,’ she hears one of the courtroom guards say as they too leave.
She vaguely registers the sound of more footfall in the distance. They’re evacuating. That’s good, she thinks.
Not for her, but it’s good. It’s right.
‘Help is on the way,’ she whispers to herself. ‘Help is on the way.’ Someone will come.
Someone will come to save her – surely - but still her blood roars through her veins.
Pulsatile tinnitus, that’s what it’s called she thinks. The name you give to the sensation of your heart pounding in your ears. She has no idea why she knows that nor how it will help her in her current situation.
Breathing just might though. She can focus on her breathing. She drags in a breath through her nose and tries to release is steadily but it’s jerky at best.
She repeats the motion over and over again, but nothing helps. The panic doesn’t ease.
And somehow the irony registers – she’s never been good at staying still. She spent her childhood being on alert and it’s followed her into adulthood. She gets jittery in relationships, never renews her apartment leases. Always keeps herself busy. This job, the one that now might very well cost her everything, is the steadiest thing in her life.
And then there are footsteps. Footsteps at the door and she looks up to see it being edged open. Sees a head appear around the doorway. Helmet fastened firmly under his chin as his eyes land on hers briefly before scanning the room.
As he turns, she sees the words SWAT on his helmet. SWAT are specialists, she tells herself, but it only confirms the absolute mess she’s found herself in.
‘Are you okay? Are you hurt?’ the man asks her.
She shakes her head. It kind of answers both questions.
‘Okay, that’s good. My team and I just need to check a few more things real quick and we’ll work on getting you out of there safely, okay?’
She nods. Tries to remember to breathe.
‘Okay, good,’ he says and something in his voice comforts her. ‘I’ll be right back.’
He disappears from view and she’s alone once more. She likes being alone. Or liked being alone. Today seems to have given it a whole new meaning.
The door eases further open this time and the same man appears in his uniform stepping lightly in his boots as he crosses the threshold.
‘Stop,’ she says barely recognising the desperation in her own voice. ‘Stop!’
He holds up his hands in front of him. ‘Okay, I’ll wait right here a moment.’
‘It said, ‘Be careful where you stand’. You could trigger it.’
‘That’s good to know,’ he tells her.
He’s calm, she registers. Despite her panic and the situation. He’s calm.
‘The fact that everybody else in this courtroom left in a panic and nothing has been triggered suggests that you were very right to stay exactly where you are so I’m going to start moving, okay? Nice and slow.’
He eases another foot forward and then another. She’s terrified but she doesn’t hate that she already doesn’t feel quite so alone thanks to this man before her. A man who, despite all of his gear, moves softly, carefully, across the courtroom floor.
Her eyes widen with panic when something creaks beneath his shoe, but he reassures her, tells her it’s nothing but a creak in the floor, and carries on moving towards her.
He stops about ten feet away from her and Hailey lifts her gaze from his feet to his face. Finds a patient expression and green eyes staring back at her.
‘What’s your name?’ he asks her.
‘Hailey’
‘Hi Hailey,’ he says offering her a reassuring smile. ‘I’m Jay, okay and I’ve got you. I just really need to you to not move.’
‘Me too,’ she says. Chest rising and falling with her breathing.
His eyes scan over her alighting on her shoes. Shoes she regrets wearing right about now because standing on a suspected trigger switch in sneakers would be enough of a challenge. She really didn’t need the six-inch stilettos in the mix today.
‘You steady in those shoes?’ he asks. Concern furrowing his brow.
She nods. She is. These shoes make her feel good. She saved to buy them so they could give her the kind of confidence she feels when she puts them on. The kind of confidence she needs on days like today where she needs to kick ass in the courtroom.
She just never dreamed she’d find herself in this position standing in them.
‘Good,’ he says and from the way his skin smooths out once again between his brows, she knows he’s taken her at her word. ‘See, you’re a pro at this.’
And against all odds, she laughs. Sure, it’s not her usual laugh. It’s definitely laced with unease but then he tilts his head at her. A smile tugging at one corner of his mouth and it grounds her.
‘Okay,’ he nods. ‘So I’m gonna stay with you, okay, Hailey? I just need you to be still. You’re not alone. I’ve got you.’
‘You’ve got me,’ she breathes and maybe it’s selfish. Letting him stay. Maybe she should be telling this guy to go. She’s known him all of two minutes and she knows he’s a good guy. A good man. One who deserves to not get blown up today.
‘I do. So, I need you to think about your feet right now, okay. Change nothing but answer me this - is your weight evenly distributed or are you favouring one side?’
It’s hard to think about his questions and not overthink it. Not change her stance, but she manages to answer. ‘Favouring my left.’
He nods again and whether it’s just something he does as he’s working through things or whether he’s trying to reassure her, she doesn’t care. Nodding is good. She’ll take any positivity right now.
‘Favouring your left. That’s fine. We’re gonna stay like that. Favouring your left.’
‘Favour my left.’
‘That’s all I need you to do. Now for some people thinking about that and just that helps. Focus on your breathing and think about your left foot.’
Her breath comes unevenly. ‘And other people?’
There’s that smile of his again.
‘Need a distraction.’
She nods quickly. ‘I need that but not something stupid like picture we’re standing on a beach right now.’
‘Well okay then,’ he replied with a hint of a smile. ‘I can do that.’
There’s further movement out in the hallway. ‘Everyone’s going,’ she says.
‘They are.’
‘But you’re not.’
‘I’m staying right here.’
‘Why is that?’ she asks. Once a lawyer, always a lawyer.
‘It’s my job,’ he answers easily like he’s just passed comment on some regular office job.
‘Are you like the expendable one if this all goes wrong?’
He laughs and it’s the best sound she’s heard all day. It crinkles his eyes and the hint of a dimple winks back at her from one of his stubbled cheeks.
‘It’s my team, Hailey. It’s my call. My call is that I’m here with you.’
She wonders if he’s just being noble then. If heroism is in his blood because they could die. She knows this and he does too. She’s a stranger and yet he’s staying.
‘Tell me anything I might not already know about today,’ he urges gently.
‘There was a clock. A clock flashed against the far wall in the stream - a digital one. The numbers were red, but they scrambled so I couldn’t tell if it was a countdown or not and then the voice,’ she says quickly reliving the moment that’s put her on this path.
She was cross-examining the witness when the projection appeared on the wall behind where the judge presides and then all hell broke loose.
‘Saying be careful where you stand,’ he finishes.
‘Yes’
‘And what made you realise it was where you stood?’ he prompts.
‘I was the only one who had visibly moved enough to cause it. Well, that’s what I thought and I guess given it’s only me in here and nothing’s exploded that I was right.’
‘You were right,’ he confirms gently and though she already knew it, her heart plummets. ‘You were smart to stand still, Hailey. You’ve saved a lot of lives.’
‘Okay, okay. That - that’s something.’
His smile is soft. A hint of pride behind it but maybe she’s just delusional and hopped up on the kind of adrenaline that floods your veins when the slightest movement might lead to your demise.
‘It really is.’
She closes her eyes for a beat wondering if it will calm her heartrate, but she doesn’t get chance to even see if it helps as the next words out of his mouth have her eyes flying open.
‘I’m going to move now.’
‘What?’
‘I’m going to move and check a few things. I’m not leaving you, but you might not be able to see me for a few minutes. I’ve got you. I know what I’m doing, Hailey.’
Her heart believes him but the lawyer within her needs logic right now. ‘But you’re not bomb squad.’
‘I’m not. They’re about ten minutes out.’
Realisation dawns. ‘And you don’t know if we have ten minutes.’
‘Smart.’
‘Okay.’ She forces out a breath. Manages a shaky nod of the head. ‘Okay. You’ve got me.’
‘I do.’
He moves and she closes her eyes. Breathes in and out as steadily as she can.
‘Hailey’
She opens them at the sound of a new voice saying her name. Finds another member of SWAT stood where Jay was only moments ago. Just like Jay, he’d moved silently on his feet for a tall guy.
‘I’m Preston.’
‘Preston,’ she repeats.
And though she can’t see him right now, she hears Jay’s voice from somewhere behind her. ‘He doesn’t look cool enough to be called Preston, right?’
‘I don’t know if you should be mean to the guy risking his life with you.’
‘Smart,’ Preston grins. ‘He was right.’
And where Jay’s smiles have been softer, slower, this guy’s grin is wide. Given easily and readily in day-to-day life, she thinks.
‘He knows what he’s doing, right?’ she asks the newcomer.
‘He does. He’s your very best bet until the bomb squad gets here.’
‘And he’s in charge? He’s not the patsy?’
Humour dances in Preston’s eyes at her questioning. ‘He’s our sergeant and though I avoid telling him, a very good one. He has experience in these situations. I’d trust him if it were me in your shoes and I wouldn’t be standing here right now before you if I didn’t trust him to see this through.’
‘Okay. Okay.’ She nods to herself. She trusts Jay too. ‘What’s he doing?’
‘Do you want him to tell you?’ Preston asks.
‘Yes, I think so. Yes.’
‘Hailey, you’re doing so good,’ Jay says and they’re just words.
She knows this.
But she also knows the power of words. They’re everything in her line of her work and she thinks Jay would wipe the floor with just about any lawyer she’s come across because she believes what he says. Believes him and for someone wired as she is, she’s knows that’s no easy feat.
‘I’ve located what I need to,’ he explains, ‘so I’m going to get to work on it so you can get your feet out of those heels soon.’
‘That, that would be good,’ she says feeling on the verge of tears as hope flares in her chest.
‘How’s that left foot doing?’
‘It’s good. I’m good.’
‘You are. I’m just going to sort this so you can keep talking to Preston for me, alright?’
She nods despite her having no idea if Jay is even looking in her direction right now.
‘What do you do, Hailey?’ Preston asks drawing her attention back to him.
‘I’m a lawyer.’
‘Those shoes should have told me that,’ Preston smiles.
And she has bigger problems right now, she does, but her defences come up nonetheless. ‘I’m not an asshole lawyer.’
‘I got that. And this case, it’s yours?’
‘No’
‘No?’
‘I’m covering for my superior today. One of our partners had a family emergency.’
Preston’s eyes move over her shoulder for a beat too long.
‘What was that? What was that look?’
‘Smart,’ comes Jay’s response from somewhere behind her.
‘You think they knew? You think they knew there was a risk today?’
But even as she asks it, she answers her own question in her mind. Today taking another sordid turn.
‘I don’t know enough about this case,’ Preston says carefully, ‘but it seems unlikely it’s a coincidence.’
‘Fuckers’
She hears Jay chuckle at her outburst from somewhere behind her.
‘Shouldn’t you be concentrating?’
‘You’re funny,’ he says by way of explanation. ‘Took me by surprise.’
‘Why?’
‘The job. We don’t meet many funny lawyers in our line of work.’
‘I’m not most people.’
‘I can see that.’
And something about the way he says it makes her so desperately wish she could turn around to face him. See the green of his eyes once more. Feel the full weight of his gaze.
But she can’t move. She can’t move or she might die and very well take Jay and Preston out with her. Her heartrate spikes once more and she drags in a hasty breath.
‘You okay, Hailey?’ Preston asks. Concern creeping into his voice for the first time.
Concern that maybe she can’t do this.
‘Yeah,’ she lies. There’s an itch growing beneath her skin. She doesn’t know how much longer she can manage this. ‘How, how many minutes now? Until they’re here.’
‘Should be five.’
‘Five’
Five feels like a lifetime.
‘You can do five minutes,’ Preston reassures her trying to keep her calm but then he glances over her shoulder once more.
‘I - what was that look again. Stop with the secret looks, okay.’
‘That was a good look, Hailey. Sergeant Halstead doesn’t think he needs the five minutes.’
Her heart seizes in her chest. Hope and panic intermingled. ‘Shouldn’t he wait anyway?’
‘Not if he knows. No, he shouldn’t wait. It’s in everyone’s best interests if he acts.’
The man before her is almost preternaturally calm and she tries to let it calm her right now. She likes Preston but somehow her body isn’t calmed by him like it was by Jay. ‘He’s good? You said he’s good?’
‘He’s excellent. And if you hear a noise in the next few seconds, it’s fine. Me standing right here with you, is telling you it’s fine.’
‘It’s fine,’ she whispers to herself on a loop. ‘It’s fine. It’s fine. It’s fine.’
‘Hailey’
It’s Jay’s voice that says her name this time.
‘Yeah?’
‘I promise you I wouldn’t be doing anything right now that I’m not sure of. I wouldn’t risk your safety like that.’
She believes him. She believes him and she manages a twitch of a smile. ‘But Preston?’
‘Yeah, this guy I’m 50/50 about on a good day. Just stay still for me, Hailey.’
‘Okay,’ she nods. ‘I’m gonna close my eyes and then you can do it.’
‘That’s okay.’
A noise.
Her heart stops.
And then there’s nothing.
She almost can’t believe it. No detonation. No other noise. Just silence.
Then a voice from in front of her.
‘You’re okay.’
She opens her eyes and this time it’s Jay before her.
Preston’s disappeared entirely and it’s just Jay looking at her in a way she can’t decipher. A way that turns her inside out and settles her at the same time.
‘It’s done, Hailey.’
‘Done?’ Her chest rises and falls too quickly.
‘You did so good.’
‘I can move,’ she says in wonder. Only she doesn’t think she can move. ‘My legs –‘
‘That’s the adrenaline,’ Jay says kindly. ‘I’m gonna wait right here with you, if that’s okay? They’ll be here in about ninety seconds now. They can confirm you’re good to move but until then, you and me will be right here.’
Blue eyes meet green.
‘You and me.’
He flashes that half-smile of his at her once more.
‘You do this a lot?’
‘Define a lot,’ he grins as he tilts his head from side to side. His words pulling a nervous laugh from her. ‘Not this specifically,’ he explains nodding to their surroundings.
‘But you walk headfirst into danger every day?’
‘Not all shifts.’ He shrugs but it’s not a blaze gesture. Maybe a little self-deprecating. ‘I couldn’t do what you do. Especially in those shoes.’
And there he goes again making her smile. ‘I really want to get out of them right now.’
‘You can.’
‘Okay,’ she nods and then unexpectedly a tear falls and then another. ‘Fuck. Sorry.’
‘Don’t apologise. You’ve been amazing, Hailey. I’m so impressed.’
She presses at her tears with the palm of her hand.
‘Hey, it’s okay. Breathe. Let yourself feel it,’ Jay tells her as he takes another step closer. She wonders for a moment if he’s going to wipe her tears away himself but then the doors open behind him. Three uniformed members of the bomb squad coming in.
‘Sergeant Halstead?’
Jay turns at the sound of his name, but his feet remain planted a foot in front of hers.
‘O’Donoghue’
‘Marsden said the threat is neutralised.’
‘It is. We just needed a minute and maybe some reassurance,’ he says turning back to Hailey.
‘We can do that,’ the man named O’Donoghue confirms.
The three bomb technicians get to work moving past where she and Jay stand and it’s not long before O’Donoghue speaks again as he comes back to stand where she can see him. This time with the protective gear that was covering his face removed.
‘Ma’am’
‘Please don’t call me ma’am,’ she says on instinct. ‘I know the last half an hour might have aged me but it’s Hailey.’
He nods with a smile. ‘Hailey, the device has been disabled by Sergeant Halstead. The threat has been neutralised. The bomb squad will take over the scene now alongside the Intelligence unit. You are free to move whenever you feel ready.’
‘I can move,’ she says more to herself than anyone.
Jay’s kind smile focuses in on her. ‘I’m right here still.’
‘Thank you.’
She can move. She knows she can. She should move and yet…
‘Jay,’ she says. Her voice barely above a whisper so the growing number of police entering the room behind her can’t hear. ‘I don’t think my legs work.’
He holds out his hand. ‘Do you want some help?’
She nods as she reaches for his hand. ‘Yes, please.’
He doesn’t comment but he must feel the way her hand trembles within his. ‘You okay if I lift you?’
She nods and then he steps closer until the toes of his boots touch her shoes. His hands ghost over where her blouse meets her skirt and she shivers in anticipation. Tells herself it’s the thought of moving but she’s not sure it’s entirely that.
‘Ready?’ he asks.
She nods her assent.
‘Hailey?’ he asks and she realises he’s waiting for verbal confirmation from her before he touches her.
‘Yes’
Steady hands settle on her waist and he lifts her. Lifts her clean out of her shoes and sets her down gently a couple of feet away. He dips his head to look in her eyes as relief washes over her.
His smile comes softly and she finds herself smiling a little too. It’s tremulous but it’s genuine. She watches as he moves as if to retrieve her shoes, but she shakes her head.
‘I don’t want them,’ she asserts. Lucky court shoes be damned.
He takes her at her word and leaves them where they stand before he unclips his helmet and takes it off. He tucks it under the crook of his arm and absentmindedly drags a hand through his hair with the other and Hailey doesn’t really know where to look. He saved her. He saved her and he managed to make her laugh in the worst moments of her life and now he’s standing before her looking like that with a soft gaze only for her.
‘The medics are going to want to check you over now,’ he says and gestures over his shoulder to where a growing group of people await, ‘and then you see that grumpy looking guy over there? His name is Sergeant Voight and his bark is about equal to his bite, but his team are excellent. They will get to the bottom of this for you.’
‘I don’t need checking over. I’m fine.’
‘I know but shock is a real thing, okay. If you’re fine, you’re fine but please let them check.’
‘Are they waiting on you?’ she asks gesturing to mixture of bomb squad techs and plain clothes officers.
He smiles. ‘They can wait. I’m good here with you until you’re good.’
‘I, it’s okay. I’m alright,’ she says. The thought of getting to leave his room, maybe go home and take a shower suddenly feels very appealing. ‘Thank you, Jay.’ She tries to smile a little wider. Tries to make is reassuring.
‘You’re very welcome, Hailey. You were incredibly brave today.’
She feels her cheeks heat under his praise but there are medics making their way towards her and police making their way towards him.
He nods at her once more and slips away as quietly as he came.
————
‘Halstead.’
He stands from his squat at the sound of his name being called and truthfully, he’s a little grateful that he gets a breather from flipping the tyre before him in the training gym at headquarters.
Sees Kennedy from the front desk gesture over her shoulder. ‘You got a visitor.’
He frowns and wipes his hands on his gym shorts. He definitely wasn’t expecting anyone.
He turns the corner and pulls up short.
‘Hi’
He’s momentarily lost for words at the sight of Hailey standing before him. He’s thought about her pretty much every day these past two weeks.
‘Hi’
‘Sorry to bother you at work,’ she says gesturing her hand to where they are.
Her hair had been down in sleek waves when they’d met but it’s pulled off her face today in some sort of twist. A couple of loose strands tucked behind her ears and curling out at the ends. She looks just as beautiful though but it’s good to see her eyes free from fear. Though there might be a little nervousness in there if he’s not mistaken.
‘You’re not bothering me. It’s been a quiet shift. How are you?’
‘I’m okay, she says readily. ‘Thanks to you.’
He finds himself smiling at her. ‘Plenty of that was all you.’
She’d been incredible that day. Resilient and brave and smart.
She scrunches her nose up for just a moment at the compliment and the gesture is perfectly endearing. God, he likes her. He knew it that day and he knows it now.
‘I don’t know about that, but I do know that I have no idea if I even thanked you properly that day for everything you did.’
‘You said thank you,’ he tells her easily. ‘Don’t worry.’
She lets out a breath and those eyes of hers settle on his. Eyes he’s thought about far more than he should have in recent days. ‘You saved my life, Jay.’
‘It’s my job.’
‘I know,’ she acknowledges, smiling at his own deflection of praise, ‘but you made the scariest moment on my life a lot easier so thank you. Truly.’
He drops his voice a little as a couple of guys from the next shift make their way past them. ‘You’re very welcome, Hailey.’
She’s quiet for a beat and he can’t help but notice that she shifts her weight from one side to another as she contemplates her next words. That it must be a way in which she, like many other people, subconsciously express themselves. It’s just another way in which she’d taken his breath away last week.
‘This possibly makes me sound crazy and I know that and it’s totally fine if it’s a no, but I wondered…,’ she tails off and bites her lip. ‘Eugh, I’m far more eloquent than this in court.’
He chuckles and shakes his head at her. ‘I have no doubt.’
And maybe he’s imagining things, but the sight of his smile seems to calm her.
‘Did you want to grab a coffee or something after your shift finishes?’
Everything in him wants to say yes. Say yes and do everything he can to keep making her smile like she is right now. Only it’s not that simple.
‘I can’t.’
He sees it. Sees the way her shoulders straighten at his words. The way her smile comes a little forced now as she nods and he hates himself for it.
‘Of course.’
He says her name like it’s a full sentence hoping she understands but he’s not sure how else he could explain himself anyway.
‘It’s fine,’ she adds. ‘I need to head off anyway but thank you, again. You’re very good at your job, Jay and I was very lucky you were there that day.’
She dips her head and turns and leaves and all he can do is watch her walk away. He signs, frustrated with himself, and pinches a hand between his brows.
‘Man, what is wrong with you?’
‘Drop it,’ he says at Preston’s words ignoring the outstretched water bottle the other man holds out to him.
On another day he might question how much of their conversation his friend had eavesdropped on, but he feels exhausted. The high of seeing her followed by how shitty he currently feels.
Preston carries on, undeterred.
‘Drop the fact that the woman you’ve been yearning after these past couple of weeks just came to ask you out and you said no?’
Preston thrusts the water bottle at him and Jay snatches it up. This time mumbling his thanks.
‘Preston,’ Jay says hoping he can put enough emotion behind his friend’s name that he’ll drop it but he sighs at the expectant look on the other man’s face and knows he’ll have to try and explain himself.
‘She doesn’t mean it, okay,’ he admits quietly. ‘She won’t mean it when the dust settles and I’m not –‘
Preston frowns at him. ‘You think this is hero syndrome? Man, she doesn’t strike me as the kind of woman to get caught up in some sort of rescuer fantasy.’
‘But what if she is? If we go out, I’m only gonna fall for her and then what, a month later she realises she doesn’t want me, she wanted the guy who saved her.’
‘You realise you’re the same person, right? You are the person who saved her.’
‘Shut up.’
Preston holds up a hand apologising for his teasing. ‘No, what I mean is - she’s not suddenly gonna be disappointed in what she finds.’
He pauses with his water bottle at his lips. ‘That’s not –‘
‘Sure it isn’t. You’re an idiot if you let her walk away and I was there that day too. There’s something real there. I’m telling you.’
His friend claps him on the shoulder and leaves him be.
He knows Preston has a point, but he does too. It happens more often than you’d think – people coming to ask out the person who saved them. It’s happened to Jay a couple of times himself and as a young man he’d been stupid enough to fall for the illusion only for things to fall apart when they realised he was just a regular guy.
And Hailey, well, his heart had fluttered in his chest at the mere sight of her again. He walks headfirst into danger every day without breaking a sweat but the thought of being wrong about Hailey scares him because he knows he would fall hard and fast.
Knows because he’s halfway there already.
--------
It feels like a long day.
She glances at the clock and groans. It is a long day and she knows part of it is that it’s her first day back following her vacation. Another very large part is that she doesn’t want to be here, and time seems to be moving at a sluggishly cruel rate as a result.
There’s just no future here for her anymore.
Sure, the firm have bent over backwards to make it clear she can have whatever she wants but she wants out. Doesn’t mean she didn’t take the all-inclusive holiday they paid for as part what she’s deemed her ‘apology package’ from them.
So she’d taken them up on two weeks of walks along the beach, books and tanning and sleep is coming a little easier now as a result but it’s still not great. That day comes back to her all too often and she wakes gripped by fear.
Either that or she dreams of Jay.
God, she was so mortified when he turned her down. It’s been years, literal years, since she asked someone out. In fact, she thinks she may have been a junior in high school the last time she made the first move in any real way that wasn’t just hooking up with some guy from in a bar, but she’d told herself that she was a strong, independent woman and that she could do the asking.
Not that it did her any good.
She’d really thought there was something there in amongst all the chaos that day. Thought there was something there in his smile and his kindness and the way in which his sense of humour slipped through when he was with her. The way he made her feel. She maybe thought she made him feel that way too.
Turns out she was wrong.
There’s a tap on her open glass door and she looks up and smiles at Vanessa. ‘Hailey, you have a visitor.’
‘Who is it, Vanessa?’
She could really do without any more clients today. She just wants to dot the i’s and cross the t’s on this paperwork and get out of here.
‘A Jay Halstead,’ Vanessa says barely containing her smile. ‘Said he knows you.’
If she’s aiming for nonchalant, she’s doing a terrible job of it.
Hailey thinks she does a much better job herself despite the way in which her heartrate has picked up. ‘Send him in,’ she says and she stands from behind her desk and smooths down her skirt.
‘Jay,’ she says painting on a professional smile as he steps inside.
‘Hailey, hi.’
He’s perfectly handsome and it irritates her that this version of him stood before her in jeans and a t-shirt, ball cap in hand is equally as appealing to her as the man in uniform and the man in gym gear that she’d met at his headquarters.
‘What can I help you with?’ Hailey says reluctant to dwell on his appearance for too long.
‘I’m here to apologise.’
‘For what exactly?’
He takes a couple of steps closer to her, and she suddenly wishes she’d remained seated behind her desk because then she could use it as a buffer. ‘For how I acted when you came to see me a couple of weeks back.’
‘We don’t need to do this, Jay,’ she says forcing a smile. It’s hardly a moment she wants to relive.
‘I’d like to explain,’ he offers. ‘If that’s okay.’
And it’s genuine. It’s written all over his face.
‘Okay,’ she finds herself saying.
‘Okay, here goes,’ he says twisting his cap around in his hands before he sets it on the edge of her desk. ‘I was so nervous when you turned up. Honestly, my heart was racing in my chest because I’d thought about you pretty much nonstop since we’d met.’
Her stomach swoops. The hope of it all rising within her once more. ‘What?’
‘And then you asked me out, or at least I think you were asking me out.’
‘I was,’ she says. There’s no sense in lying. That’s exactly what she’d gone there to do.
‘Good,’ he says. That smile of his ticking at the corner of his mouth.
He steps closer still and she’s keenly aware of his proximity even though he’s still a solid three feet away from her.
‘There’s this thing that happens when someone gets saved in extreme circumstances like yours. It’s called hero syndrome and when you turned up to thank me and then ask me out, I thought,’ he pauses and seemingly regrets not having his hat in hand to relieve his nervous energy, ‘maybe that’s what it was and I wouldn’t be someone you wanted when the dust settled.’
‘But you’re here now?’ she asks. Hope flares in her chest but she needs to be sure of what he wants here.
‘Because I’m an idiot.’
‘Keep talking.’
He chuckles and she loves the sound of it. Loves that she can make him laugh.
‘I like you, Hailey. I really like you. I don’t wanna mess this up before it’s even started.’
She fights her own smile. Crosses her arms. ‘How do I know this isn’t saviour syndrome, huh? It’s a thing that happens when first responders save people and they fall for them. There’s a delayed reaction too apparently.’
‘So, you’re a good lawyer, huh?’ he grins at her line of questioning.
‘A damn good one.’
‘I believe that.’
And she’s keenly aware that the two of them are just standing smiling at one another in her office. They’re hardly doing anything inappropriate but anyone walking past would know this isn’t how she behaves with a client.
‘I’m sorry for how I reacted that day,’ he says. ‘You are pretty much all I’ve thought about since I met you. And your little joke, saviour syndrome, funny –‘
‘Thank you’
‘But this has never happened to me before. I’ve never felt anything remotely romantic before for anyone at a crime scene. And then I met you.’
For someone who uses words for a living, she’s suddenly lost for them. She wasn’t wrong. He felt it too. Feels it too.
‘I have been asked out by people I’ve saved a couple of times before and once, about eight years ago now, I said yes to someone. Honestly, I hadn’t even really taken note of them at the scene but the guys on my team encouraged me to say yes when they came and stopped by and so I did.’
‘You don’t have to explain yourself to me,’ she says softly.
‘But I want to,’ he says lifting his gaze to hers and she nods for him to continue.
‘We really got along and we went out and then out again and again and I thought she really liked me for me but then about three months later she broke it off suddenly and said I wasn’t who she thought I’d be. That I wasn’t exciting enough for her.’
Hailey feels herself brows tighten together at his words. She’s irrationally cross on his behalf that anyone could think that of him and she knows her thinking that is also likely irrational since she hardly knows him, but he deserves better than that. Better than someone who would deem his goodness as unworthy.
‘I like to do crosswords.’
He blinks at her response before he speaks. ‘What?’
‘Crosswords. I love them. Normally do a couple a week but in actual books though, not ones you can do online.’
The look he gives her – one grateful and full of wonder – turns her inside out. He makes her feel like there’s never anyone else in the world but the two of them.
‘Crosswords,’ he says with a smile assimilating the information. ‘Maybe I need to give them a try.’
‘You really should,’ she grins. Glad that her admission seems have eased his worry that he might not be enough just as he is.
‘Did you enjoy your vacation?’
‘I did,’ she says narrowing her eyes at how he knows that.
‘I came by a few days after you came to headquarters, but your receptionist told me you were on annual leave. Where’d you go?’
‘Cabo’
‘I’d say you’d earned that,’ he smiles.
‘I’ll say.’ And it’s nice that she doesn’t have to hide the slight bitterness in her tone with him. Knows he gets it.
‘Hailey, I’d love to get a coffee with you if you still want to.’
‘It’ll be late by the time I’m finished,’ she says though that’s not strictly true.
‘Decaf is fine.’
She laughs at his response. ‘Okay. Look, I don’t know how long I’ll be.’
‘I don’t care,’ he tells her and there’s something in his tone that’s comforting. Certain. ‘My shift’s over. I can wait.’
‘I genuinely will be a while,’ she adds. She needs to be sure. She’s been messed around before too.
He shrugs. ‘I like the outdoors. I’ll go take a walk in the park and then I’ll come back and wait. It’s fine. Take your time.’
He scoops up his cap and walks out and Hailey throws herself down in her seat giving herself a moment to calm the butterflies in her stomach before she reaches for her laptop once more.
--------
‘Hailey, why are you making that hot, hot man wait for you. I mean, I am enjoying the view and all, but you’re done for the day. I’m pretty sure you were done for the day a while ago.’
Hailey puts her blue-light filtering glasses down and looks up at Vanessa’s wolfish grin.
‘Ooh, are you playing hard to get?’ her friend and colleague asks.
‘No’
‘Oh, you like him.’ Vanessa takes one of the seats opposite her. ‘Like you really like him.’
‘He’s the swat sergeant who saved me,’ she admits.
‘I know. I googled him.’
She huffs out a laugh. ‘Of course you did.’
‘The fruits of my googling is that he’s a good guy if that helps.’
‘I figured.’
She knows he’s a good guy. Hell, his honesty earlier about how he feels and why he’d been hesitant to accept when she’d asked him out was so refreshing.
‘You’re scared?’ Vanessa asks and the teasing has gone from her voice.
Hailey holds her thumb and forefinger an inch apart.
‘Maybe just a tiny bit. He… God I thought maybe it was the adrenaline. I spent two weeks in the Mexico trying to convince myself of that fact but then he shows up here - no life-threatening situations, just him and I having a simple conversation and I still feel it.’
‘Not every guy is Garrett,’ Vanessa says gently.
‘I know.’
‘Good,’ Vanessa says straightening up once more before she stands, ‘because Garrett would never have sat in our waiting area for two hours just to grab a coffee with you.’
‘How’d you know we’re getting coffee?’
‘He asked me if I knew your order and if you favoured anywhere locally.’
‘He did?’
‘Mmm hmmm,’ Vanessa smiles, ‘and ask him what’s in the bag.’
‘Excuse me?’
‘The bag. Trust me. He’s got keeper written all over him,’ Vanessa says as she waves her fingers over her shoulder and takes her leave.
She sighs acknowledging she’s ran out of reasons to justify her being here when really she’s just a little nervous. Shuts down her computer for the night and packs up her things.
He stands when he sees her. Smile stretching across his face and she feels it right in her stomach.
‘Sorry, for making you wait.’
‘I really don’t mind.’
‘You ready?’
‘Yeah’
‘I hope Vanessa didn’t scare you away,’ Hailey says as the two of them call out their goodbyes to the brunette.
‘She’s kind of wild,’ Jay tells her with a smile, ‘but she cares about you.’
The elevator doors close behind them. ‘Did she grill you?’
‘She’d googled me,’ Jay answers. Eyes going comically wild.
‘She takes her role very seriously.’
‘I did ask her where you like to get a coffee though,’ he says and she appreciates his honesty once again. It’s refreshing.
It’s one of the many reasons why she likes the man beside her. The elevator doors open.
‘She told me, but how do you feel about dinner?’
--------
Dinner is better than any first date she’s ever had. He tells her she can choose where they go and apologises that he’s not dressed more nicely so they can go somewhere a little fanccer.
But this is perfect. The two of them at some bar that serves great Mexican food. And honestly, if she’d have already had a drink in her then she would have told him he looks gorgeous in his jeans and T-shirt.
‘How’ve you been, you know, since the courthouse?’ he asks and she’s grateful that it’s taken about forty minutes before he’s asked her. It’s seemingly all anyone asks her about these days.
‘You want the answer I give to most people,’ she says taking a sip from her cerveza.
‘If that’s what you’re comfortable giving me.’
It’s not. She trusts him and she thinks if anyone gets it then it might be him. ‘Sleep is…a mixed bag.’
‘I get that’
‘I thought Mexico would help.’
‘Did it?’
‘Not really. I mean, I haven’t taken a proper vacation in a long time but it sort of gave me too much time to think, you know? I shouldn’t have gone alone but I guess I wanted to prove something to myself, and they paid so,’ she shrugs.
‘Your firm?’
‘Yep,’ she says a little bitterly. ‘They’ve been bending over backwards to make me feel at home since that day.’ She pauses and then says what’s on her mind. ‘I’m going to leave.’
‘Understandable.’
‘I haven’t told anyone that yet.’
It feels good to have said it out loud though.
‘Do you know what you wanna do next?’ he asks.
‘Join a firm that won’t put me in a near-death situation.’
‘See,’ he smiles and leans back in his seat, ‘I told you, you were smart.’
‘I have a bunch of vacation days saved up,’ she says picking at the corner of the label where it meets the bottleneck. ‘Maybe I can work on this tan some more whilst I make up my mind. You got any recommendations?’
‘Honestly, the only time I left the country was to fight a war. I’m not the best guy to ask.’
Her eyes widen at his admission. ‘You were in the army?’
He nods. ‘I was a ranger. Did two tours in Afghanistan but I left a long time ago now.’
She processes the information and it fits. Fits with how calm he was that day in the courthouse. Also just seems to fit with him. ‘So that’s where the experience came from.’
‘Yeah.’
Their server comes over with the bill and Hailey turns to reach for her purse only for Jay to hold up his hand.
‘Please, let me.’
And its those green eyes of his that do it. She nods and watches as he hands over his card and thanks their server slipping a tip into the check folder.
Dinner had been lovely and she tells him as such as the two of them step outside into the still warm evening air.
‘I’m glad you had a good time.’
‘Can I ask you something?’ she says.
‘Course’
‘Vanessa said I should ask you about the bag?’
Truthfully, it’s been on her mind on and off all night. She can’t figure it out.
Jay groans in front of her and sets his cap on his head.
‘Or not,’ she adds. ‘I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have –‘
‘No, it’s okay. I just, I don’t know if it’s too much and if you’re gonna think I’m…you might hate it and tonight’s gone really well.’
And God this version of him, a little nervous with colour flushing his cheeks, is just as endearing as every other side to him she’s met so far.
‘Jay’
‘Your shoes,’ he says quickly.
‘What?’
‘The day we met. You left them behind and you said you didn’t want them and they had to get processed and everything as part of the scene but then they weren’t needed.’
She still feels none the wiser. ‘That’s fine.’
‘And I told my sister-in-law about you and that day as she said you’d probably worn your favourite pair of shoes to a big case like that.’
‘They were.’
‘So I, well I went and got them and Nat, that’s my sister-in-law, she knows this place she’d seen online in the city that specialise in repainting or spraying or whatever they call it, heels like that.’
‘What are you saying?’
‘I’m saying that your shoes are in my car. They’re just something called a patent black now.’
She opens and closes her mouth completely taken aback by his words. His actions. It might just be the sweetest thing anyone has ever done for her.
‘You did that?’ she says and she can’t stop the way that emotion catches in her throat.
‘It’s okay if you don’t want them,’ Jay adds still looking a little uncomfortable. ‘Seriously, it’s fine. I just thought that day had already taken a hell of a lot from you. The least I could do was get you your shoes back if you wanted them still.’
‘I can’t believe you did that.’
He shoves his hands in the front pocket of his jeans and shrugs his shoulders. ‘Yeah.’
It’s more than a little terrifying, this feeling. Something warm and tender that floods through her. It’s not a feeling she really knows what to do with nor the way this man cares for her when they barely know one another. And yet she looks at him and all she can think is that she’s in. She’s right there with him.
She steps into him, presses a hand on his chest for leverage and rises up to kiss him. He’s taken aback for a moment but then his hands move from his pockets to find her waist as they did the day they met and he kisses her back.
Kisses her back and she all but melts into him.
They’re in the middle of the sidewalk on a relatively busy street so they keep it brief, but it leaves her desperate for more.
‘Thank you,’ she hums as she settles back down in her shoes. Even in heels, she still needed to press up on her tiptoes to reach him.
His answering smile makes her heart stutter in her chest. God, she’s falling hard for this man.
‘You’re welcome. You wanna come see them?
They walk the couple of blocks back to where he’s parked. Their shoulders touching from time to time and Hailey thinks he might be the kind of guy who takes her hand in the future. Thinks with him she might be the type of girl who likes it.
She discovers he has a truck. A really nice one in a slate grey and it makes a change from the douchebag cars her past couple of exes owned. He reaches into the back seat to retrieve the bag and she reaches inside to lift out the shoe box easing off the lid to come face to face with her shoes.
They’re her favourite shoes now for a whole different reason because he did this for her. They’re somehow exactly the same and yet unrecognisable from the nude pumps they once were. Her eyes sting with hot tears at the memory of that day. That day in which Jay was there for her and her eyes sting because he’s still here for her now and she thinks, if she lets him, he might be there for her for a long time to come.
‘Please tell me those are good tears,’ he says gently.
‘They are,’ she says trying and failing to catch one of them but it tracks a hot trail down her cheek anyway. ‘I’m not a crier and you’ve seen me cry twice now,’ she sniffs. ‘Thank you. This is so generous, Jay.’
‘Do you want a hug?’
She lifts her gaze to his and nods. He takes the shoebox from her setting them down on the roof of the truck behind him before wrapping his arms around her. Dipping his head down to fit into the crook of her shoulder. She’s not sure how long the two of them stay wrapped up in one another until he speaks and makes her laugh.
‘So I have no problem camping out at your office again to see you, but I’d really like your number if that’s okay?’
She doesn’t even try to hide her smile. ‘More than okay’
She puts her number in his phone, and he immediately shoots her a message with the words ‘Your shoe guy’ that has her rolling her eyes when she reads it.
‘Where are you parked?’ he asks setting the box in the bag to carry it. ‘I’ll walk you to your car.’
‘I actually got an Uber this morning. My car’s in the garage for its service.’
He offers to drop her home and when she clips on her seatbelt in his passenger seat, she finds him grinning over at her. ‘Is this your move?’
‘Excuse me?’
‘My car’s in the garage,’ he teases making air quotes. ‘If you wanted to spend more time with me, you just had to ask.’
‘Yeah, you know what,’ she laughs, ‘I did ask you to spend more time with me once and you turned me down.’
It makes her laugh how quickly his expression sobers. ‘Not my best moment.’
‘But yes, you’re right,’ she jokes. ‘This is my move. And then when we get to my place, I’ll tell you I’ve sprung a leak, and you’ll have to come up to fix it.’
‘Must be a bad leak if you can spot it from the road.’
‘Oh, the worst,’ she grins.
She doesn’t in fact invite him up. They both knew she was joking in the car, but he does get out and carry her shoes to the front door of her apartment block for her and he does give her one hell of a kiss goodnight.
--------
She likes him.
She really, really likes him.
(Probably more than likes him.)
She knew it that first day and every day since and getting to know him - date him - is making her realise she’s been getting dating wrong all along if it’s supposed to feel like this.
They do grab a coffee a couple of days after going out for dinner and he kisses her goodbye in a way that’s both sweet and the kind of kiss that leaves you breathless all at the same time. He seems to do that to her a lot.
His shifts for the next few days after that don’t really match up with them seeing one another but she does swing by headquarters to see him for twenty minutes because he asks and she wants to and she doesn’t much care that Preston teases them both for the smiles on their faces.
She’d liked Preston that day in the courthouse and she was right to do so. He’s warm and intelligent and he and Jay are clearly good friends and when he tells her it’s good to see her again, she knows he means it.
Jay asks what she’s doing on Saturday morning and when she tells him she’s heading to a reformer Pilates class he takes her by surprise by offering to come too and sue her, she definitely takes note of the way in which he only has eyes for her when at least half of the class seem to have eyes for him.
He’s pretty good given it’s his first time though she laughs several times at the noises leaving him as he holds certain stretches.
‘Jesus, I need to get all the guys down here,’ he gasps. ‘This is using muscles I didn’t know I owned.’
‘I’m fairly certain you’d get a discount with the amount of business the sight of you all down here would bring in.’
‘Are you saying I’m handsome, Hailey?’ he grins.
‘Don’t fish for compliments, Halstead.’
His answering laugh is loud enough to draw their instructor’s attention, and he holds up a hand by way of apology.
‘But you are very handsome,’ she whispers. ‘Just to be clear.’
‘And you’re beautiful.’
‘What are you doing for the rest of your day?’ she asks as the class finished up.
‘Nothing of any importance until I’m grabbing dinner with my brother later.’
He talks about his brother plenty. Has mentioned casually that they’ll all have to meet up sometime and normally the thought of meeting family members causes anxiety to swell within her, but she’d love to meet Will. And Natalie. She has plenty to thank the other woman for.
‘I have eggs and stuff at home,’ she offers. ‘I could do us some brunch. I mean, if you wanted.’
He dips his head to steal a kiss scooping up both of their water bottles. ‘I’d love that.’
She’s falling so hard and it only gets worse when she glances up from the stove later that morning as she cooks to see him at her coffee machine fixing them both a drink.
Only gets worse when he sits beside her on the couch and an hour slips by and then another whilst the two of them talk about everything and nothing and then he goes and laughs, really laughs, at something she says. Throws his head back and drags a hand through his hair. Eyes twinkling when they land back on her so really it’s his own fault for having such pretty eyes that she ends up in his lap.
And it’s all just so good from there on out. She’s not sure of the last time the first time with someone wasn’t awkward unless alcohol had played a helping hand but it’s one o’clock in the afternoon, the sun’s streaming in through the slats in the shutters and she’s as clear headed as can be but god does he make her feel boneless in the way he kisses her.
How his lips tease pathways across her body that have her eager for more. How he keeps her on the edge until she’s practically begging him for release and then she returns the favour and when they finally come together, she can’t explain it. Can’t explain how this feels so different to anything she’s experienced before. How damn good it feels.
How right.
————
She smells of sunscreen – they both do – and her curls are wild from the dip they’d taken in the ocean this morning but she’s happy. Carefree. It’s not a feeling she’s been overly familiar with in her life and she knows Jay can say the same.
But this week has been blissful. Sand and sea and sex. She could get a taste for vacations if they’re all like this. She would never have dreamed about going on vacation with a guy after a little shy of three months of dating them but when she had a little time between finishing at her old firm and starting at her new one, her first thought was about doing a vacation right with Jay by her side and he’d been only too happy to accept.
‘So how did you two meet?’ the barman asks them as he shakes the cocktail maker in his hands.
‘That’s a funny story,’ she says leaning on the bar top.
Jay turns to her. Surprise colouring his features at her wording. ‘It is?’
‘He nearly hit me with his car,’ she quips.
Jay chokes on thin air. His eyes widening at her. ‘I did not!’ He turns and repeats his words to the barman whose grin just widens at Hailey’s antics.
‘He didn’t,’ she admits. ‘He’s right. He actually saved my life.’
‘By not hitting you with his car?’ The bartender, Sami, smiles.
‘Oh my god, I am a good driver. An excellent driver.’
‘You are, babe,’ she says pressing a kiss to his cheek before turning to wink at Sami.
‘Sami,’ Jay says, ‘word of advice – don’t date a lawyer.’
And Hailey just laughs and takes a sip of her cocktail.
--------
‘So, you called me babe before.’
She turns her head to the left to see Jay on the lounger beside her. Shit, she thinks, she had. ‘We can blame that on the cocktail.’
‘We don’t need to. Though I’m still a little salty you insinuated I’m a bad driver.’
‘I could hardly tell the guy you saved me from getting blown up.’
‘Why not? Paints me in a better light,’ he admonishes.
‘Your pouting is adorable,’ she says and then leans over to capture his lips in hers. ‘Does that make it better?’
‘I’m not sure,’ he says lifting up his sunglasses and she sees the mischief in his eyes, ‘you kind of phoned it in.’
This time when she kisses him, his hand cards through her hair and he tilts her head. His tongue curling against hers in a way that makes want pulse through her.
‘Why is our hotel room so far away?’ he mumbles against her lips.
‘It’s like a thirty second walk.’
‘What are the public indecency laws like here?’ he asks as his kiss trails down towards her neck.
‘I didn’t look them up before we came here,’ she says around a gasp as his lips find her pulse point.
‘And you call yourself a good lawyer.’
‘Hey,’ she says pulling back so she can playfully shove him.
He takes the opportunity to haul her onto his lounger.
‘Hi,’ he grins as lays on top of him.
‘Hi’
‘Thirty seconds away you say.’
Someone clears their throat behind them and Hailey looks up to see one of the poolside waiters with their drinks.
‘Sorry, thank you,’ she says as she scrambles off Jay and back onto her lounger.
‘Don’t apologise,’ he says, ‘you’re on holiday and in love.’
Hailey thinks she manages a smile of thanks to the waiter but the heat in her cheeks is definitely not from the sun.
She idly stirs the straw in her drink around for something to do. ‘I, uh –‘
Jay’s hand takes her own and he braids his fingers with hers. Waits until she lifts her gaze to meet his and finds him smiling. ‘I know it’s not been that long, but nothing he just said freaked me out.’
Her heart soars.
‘Nor me.’
He kisses her once more and she’s not really all the surprised when she ends up back on his lounger tucked into his side with nothing but blue skies above them and the sea’s gentle chorus as their soundtrack.
Staying still never felt so good.