Work Text:
"Firefighters?" Ilya asked, his tone somewhere between skeptical and deeply unimpressed.
"Hayden said it's really good. He and Jackie have been binge watching it and he thinks I'd like it." Shane nudged him. "We've been wanting to find something new to watch together. Just give it a try?"
Ilya considered this for a moment, clearly weighing his options.
"Alright. I guess we watch this 9-1-1 show."
They settled onto the couch, Ilya putting his feet in Shane's lap, Anya snuggled into his side.
A few minutes in, Ilya broke the silence.
"Okay. He is hot." He pointed at the screen. "Buck? Stupid name. Very hot man."
"Shh," Shane hushed him.
"Which one is Buddie? People on Reddit keep posting about him," Ilya said.
"Ilya, I'm trying to watch," Shane said.
"Is that guy Buddie?"
"Ilya—"
"Baby in the wall! Get it out!" Ilya yelled, sitting up suddenly and nearly dislodging Anya.
"Ilya, if you don't stop talking I swear—" Shane threatened.
"Oh, of course she is Russian." Ilya threw his hands up. "Always must be Russian villain. Why is it never a Canadian girl flushing baby? Hm? Answer me this."
Shane stared at him. "That is not the point of this scene."
"Is still good point," Ilya huffed.
They sat quietly for a few more minutes.
"He is gay," Ilya said, pointing at the screen.
"Ilya, you think everyone is queer," Shane said, not looking up.
"Not everyone. This guy." Ilya was certain.
Shane opened his mouth to argue.
"I feel strong enough to be honest about it. I'm gay," the man on screen said.
Ilya whipped around and pointed directly at Shane. "See??" He jabbed his finger in the air. "I am always right."
"You got lucky," Shane muttered.
"Stupid name hot man is idiot," Ilya continued, fully invested now despite himself. "Fucking snake lady is fine but stealing firetruck and getting caught is very stupid. Fire boss is right to get rid of him."
"Fire Captain," Shane corrected.
Ilya considered this for approximately one second. "Fire Daddy," he said, with a wink.
Shane glared at him.
"Red haired lady has nice voice," Ilya said, moving on without remorse. "I would like hearing in emergency. But she is very boring. Scott Hunter levels of boring. I want to fall asleep every time she is on screen."
"Ilya, she's helping a kid whose house got broken into!" Shane said.
"Yes, situation is exciting. But as character?" Ilya shook his head. "Snooze fest."
"Shhhh," Shane hissed.
"Oh, are boring lady and hot idiot flirting?" Ilya asked. "Are those firecrackers I see?"
Shane glanced over at him. "Firecrackers?"
"You know." Ilya waved his hand vaguely. "The science word. Between two people. Chemistry."
"Fireworks," Shane said.
"This is what I said," Ilya said, completely unbothered.
"Well, what did you think?" Shane asked as the credits rolled.
"Was good," Ilya said, seemingly revising his earlier skepticism. "I like smart black lesbian best so far. She is the only one who seems to think things through. Fire Daddy is very sad, Buck is idiot, Asian man who also has stupid name is forgettable." He paused. "And Angela Bassett is flawless."
Shane turned to look at him. "Angela Bassett? You know who Angela Bassett is?"
"Shane." Ilya gave him a withering look. "She is legend. Everyone knows. You know nothing of pop culture and even you know."
"Fair," Shane conceded.
Ilya nodded, satisfied, then turned back to the screen as the credits finished rolling. "Okay. But who is Buddie? And why does he have cannon?"
Shane blinked. "Why does who have a what?"
"On Reddit page," Ilya said, entirely serious. "Buddie canon, trust. Maybe we meet him and his cannon next episode?"
Shane stared at him for a long moment. "Ilya. Canon isn't a weapon. It's like, the official story."
"So Buddie is official?"
"I don't actually know what Buddie is," Shane admitted."We'll have to keep watching."
Ilya seemed to accept this as a reasonable answer.
****
"Bood." Ilya appeared in the Centaurs locker room with the energy of a man with urgent news. "Have you seen this 9-1-1 show? Shane and I are watching. Firefighter gets pole through his head." He paused for emphasis. "And he does not die."
"That is impossible," Troy said.
"Not impossible. Chimney is very lucky man," Ilya said.
"Chimney?" Dykstra repeated.
"Yes." Ilya shook his head. "Very stupid names on this show. Buck, Chimney, Hen. But is very addictive. Shane and I cannot stop watching."
"Is that the one with Rob Lowe?" Bood asked.
"No, that's 9-1-1 Lone Star," Harris said dreamily as he walked into the room. "Tarlos are my OTP."
Ilya turned to look at him. "OTP? What is this? What is a Tarlos?"
"TK and Carlos aka Tarlos," Harris said, as if this were obvious. "They are couple goals. So cute together. Buddie could never."
Ilya's eyes lit up. "You know Buddie? Who is he?"
"I thought you were watching the show," Harris said, amused.
"Yes, we are almost finished season one." Ilya pointed at him. "Buck is bisexual, yes? Shane says no but I think he is broken. From spending too many years around bigoted idiots."
Harris pressed his lips together like he was trying very hard not to say something.
"Just keep watching," he said finally. "The show really hits its stride in season two."
"Harris," Ilya whined.
"Nope." Harris shook his head, already backing away. "No spoilers."
"Okay, just tell me this." Ilya held up a finger. "I should make bet with Shane, yes?"
Harris mimed zipping his lips, kissed Troy on the forehead, and walked out.
"I will take that as a yes!" Ilya yelled after him.
****
"Okay, we start season two," Ilya said, rubbing his hands together. "Recap: boring red haired lady left to go on trip, Fire Daddy and Angela Bassett are now dating." He settled back into the couch and held out their snacks. "I have popcorn and candy for me. Sad veggie tray for you."
"I like vegetables," Shane said, taking it.
"I know you do, moy krolik," Ilya said fondly. "That is why I get for you." He pulled the popcorn back to his own side. "Push play."
It was quiet for a few minutes.
"Shane." Ilya sat up. "Buck is figuring out body fat percentage." He pointed at the screen. "That is a queer man right there."
"Ilya—"
"Oh! He is trying out for sexy firefighter calendar?" Ilya's eyes lit up. "This I would very much like to see."
Shane rolled his eyes.
"No but Chimney is right," Ilya said. "We do need more Asian sex symbols." He reached over and tucked a strand of hair behind Shane's ear. "Half Japanese hockey gods, for example."
Shane's cheeks went pink. "Stop," he mumbled, looking back at the screen.
Ilya smiled and stole one of Shane's baby carrots.
"Hello! Who is this?" Ilya said, sitting up straight. "I think my dick just skipped a beat."
"Dicks don't skip a beat and keep it in your pants, we're married," Shane said. Then he looked at the screen. His mouth closed. Opened again. "Okay. Married but not dead." A pause. "Holy shit that's a sexy man."
"Okay Bobby, we don't need his full resume. Sexy Soldier Eddie. We get it," Ilya said.
"Buck is jealous," Shane observed.
"Buck is hard," Ilya replied simply.
Shane didn't even flinch. "Buck's not gay."
"No," Ilya agreed. "He is bisexual. Silver Star is straight though."
"You don't know that."
Ilya gave him a look. "Shane."
"Ilya."
"Shane."
"What?" Shane said. "You act like you're some kind of sexuality magician. Bippity boppity bisexual, just collecting all the queers."
Ilya shrugged. "I collected you, didn't I?"
"Okay. A, that's weird, B, we collected each other, and C —" Shane turned back to the screen, "stop speculating on the characters' sexualities and watch the show."
"I will do both," Ilya said.
"Buck isn't liking all the attention Eddie is getting," Shane observed.
"Besties by the end of the episode," Ilya said confidently.
"Unlikely." Shane watched the screen. "Oh...putting his combat medic skills to use."
"He will be useful to them," Ilya nodded. "But everything does not need to be 'I did it in Afghanistan.'" He deepened his voice. "I am Eddie. I did this in Afghanistan. I learned that in Afghanistan. In Afghanistan we—"
"Okay," Shane said. "I get it."
"We can make it drinking game," Ilya said. "Wait. Hold on. That is not boring red head. Who is hot girl in Buck's shower?"
"If you pay attention we'll find out," Shane snapped.
"Sorry," Ilya said, holding up his hands in surrender.
He was quiet for a few minutes.
"Buck's sister is very hot," he said. "Great boobs. This show is very good eye candy for those of us lucky enough to be bisexual."
"I'll have to take your word for it," Shane said.
"You know I only have eyes for you anyway, moy lyubov," Ilya said.
"Then stop commenting on everyone's boobs," Shane said.
"I can comment on yours if you want," Ilya said, with a cheeky grin. "You have great tits."
Shane threw a piece of broccoli at him.
****
"Wait, so let me get this straight," Wyatt said. "The ex-husband stabs the new boyfriend and then kidnaps her?"
"Yes, but he is not new boyfriend yet." Ilya didn't look up from his skates. "Keep up, Hayes."
"And then she stabs the husband and kills him?" Wyatt continued.
"Yes." Ilya pulled his lace tight. "Is not complicated."
"Okay, and then the new boyfriend's leg gets blown up by a fire truck?" Wyatt asked.
"No," Shane said, walking in. "The fire truck explosion happens to her brother. And he gets trapped underneath the truck."
"And people just lift the truck up?" Wyatt said, skeptical.
"Hazy." Ilya looked up at him. "You watch movies about superheroes and this confuses you?"
"I'm just checking," Wyatt muttered.
"Good. Okay." Ilya stood, satisfied. "Now we move on to tsunami."
A collective groan rippled through the locker room.
"Harris! Just the man I was looking for." Ilya pointed at him. "You have watched all of 9-1-1, yes? And you also have excellent gay detector."
"Gaydar," Harris corrected. "But go on."
"Okay, this Tommy guy." Ilya lowered his voice like he was sharing classified information. "He is gay, yes? I have feeling."
Harris tilted his head. "What season are you on?"
"We are starting season three. But in flashback episodes, Chimney saves him from the fire." Ilya gestured vaguely. "He is almost as gay as Shane, yes? Something is there. I can feel it."
Harris opened his mouth. Closed it. "I think you should just keep watching."
"Harris."
"Ilya."
"I am just saying." Ilya held up his fingers and started counting. "I think the 118 is as gay as the Centaurs. Hen...lesbian. Buck...clearly bisexual. Chimney...heteroflexible. Old 118, Tommy...gay. That Sal guy...bisexual." He paused. "The only straight ones are Eddie and Bobby."
Harris looked at him. "Chimney. Heteroflexible."
"He is not out looking for dick," Ilya said. "But if the opportunity presented itself," he shrugged, "I think he considers."
"And Eddie is straight? Did you ever figure out what Buddie is?" Harris said.
"Yes, and I do not understand it," Ilya said, shaking his head. "Relationship is platonic. It would be like me dating Marleau, or Shane dating Pike." He paused. "Maybe Eddie does some experimenting in the Army. But basically? Straight man."
Harris's mouth twitched. "Eddie did it in Afghanistan?"
Ilya closed his eyes. "Do not even get me started."
As the season revved up, Shane and Ilya had less time to watch the show, but during travel or on off days it was always cued up.
They were on a plane back home from Colorado when Ilya suddenly leapt to his feet.
"Vindication!" he bellowed.
"Dude, you cannot do that on a plane! We all have trauma!" Bood yelped, gripping his armrest.
"Sorry, sorry." Ilya sat back down briefly, then immediately stood again. "No...not sorry. I win bet. Double win." He pointed at Shane. "You owe me so much." He did a small dance in the aisle. "Buck is bi. Tommy is gay. I knew it. I knew it from the beginning." He spread his arms wide. "I am so smart." He pointed at Shane. "I clocked you." He pointed at Troy. "I clocked you." He pointed at Luca. "I clocked you." He looked around the plane with great satisfaction. "I am queerness wizard."
"Okay Gandalf, how about you sit down?" Wiebe called from his seat.
"Sorry, Coach," Ilya said, dropping back into his seat. He leaned over to Shane immediately. "But not really," he murmured, "because you owe me. Sexy firefighter roleplay. Like Bobby and Athena."
Shane's face flushed crimson. "Ilya, shhhh."
Ilya smiled and turned back to his iPad. "Okay, I stop. Now we watch—" he paused, thinking, "Bommy? Bucky? Tomuck?" He waved his hand. "I workshop it."
"Definitely not Tomuck," Shane said, snuggling into Ilya's shoulder.
When they arrived home that night they were both exhausted, but as they got ready for bed Ilya turned to Shane with a gleam in his eye.
"I have proposal for my win."
Shane raised his eyebrows as Ilya pulled him into his arms.
"For roleplay," Ilya said, nibbling his husband's ear. "I will be Eddie. And you will be thing I do in Afghanistan."
Shane burst out laughing.
"Is good plan, yes? Maybe I will even earn Silver Star," Ilya said.
"You think you deserve a sex medal?" Shane said.
"I think I have earned many through the years," Ilya said, with a completely straight face.
Shane shook his head, still laughing. "Okay, Sergeant Rozanov. Take me to bed."
"Gladly," Ilya said.
A little while later, both of them flat on their backs and catching their breath, Ilya reached for the remote and cued up the TV.
"Okay," he said. "Season eight.
"Ilya we just—" Shane started.
"Shhhh. We find out what beenado is."
"I created a monster," Shane sighed.
"Shh," Ilya said. "Is starting."