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Freddie is right there. She can feel Freddie sitting right next to her on their couch. Shoulders and knees touching. She could reach out to her. Hold her hand. Run her fingers through her hair. Kiss her lips. It should be easy. So why is it so hard?
Grace knows Freddie isn't just gonna disappear. She's right there. Yet it feels like this moment will be ripped away from her, like Freddie will be ripped away from her any time now.
She turns her head slightly, to look at Freddie. The light from the TV reflects in her eyes. Her eyeliner is slightly smudged from a day of wear and tear. A strand of hair has fallen in her face. Grace wants to tuck it back behind her ear. She almost does. Then she catches herself. Looking pointedly at the TV, she moves a few centimeters away from Freddie, until she can't feel the warmth radiating off her anymore. It's easier to rip away the moment herself, instead of worrying every second about when it will inevitably happen. Selfish.
Freddie never complains when she does this. When she's selfish. Even now, she just offers Grace a reassuring smile before turning back to the TV. Freddie deserves better. Someone who won't hesitate in loving her, in showing her how much they love her. Someone who isn't mentally stuck in a world where Freddie is dead.
Something wet falls on Grace's leg. Before she can hide the tears starting to flow down her cheeks, Freddie pauses the movie.
"Are you okay?" Freddie asks her with all the care Grace doesn't deserve. Freddie always looks at her as if she personally hung the sun and the stars in the sky, and Grace lets her. Selfish. How come she lets herself soak in Freddie's attention when she's too scared to return it?
"Grace?" Freddie gently puts her hand on Grace's shoulder.
"I'm sorry", Graces chokes out, as if an apology born out of a guilty conscience can make anything better. Selfish.
Freddie waits patiently, keeping her hand on Grace's shoulder. Grace lets herself feel comfort from Freddie's touch. Selfish, selfish, selfish.
When Grace refuses to elaborate, Freddie sighs. She's exhausted, Grace can tell. But Freddie would never say that out loud. "Can I hug you?" she asks instead.
Grace nods through her tears. And when Freddie wraps her arms around Grace's shaking frame, Grace lets herself hug her back.