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Donghyun has always considered himself a good person. He never got into fights, grew up being a well-behaving son, helped people when they needed to and was used as a good example among his cousins when their mothers scolded them. He was a good person, and nobody would disagree with that.
But, in reality, he wasn’t a good person. And he was far from being one.
He hated parties. Noisy places with noisy and sweaty people who couldn’t keep their excitement to themselves made him want to puke. The place looked a mess, and he could barely mask the discomfort he felt whenever someone got too close.
He wasn’t supposed to come out, he was sure of it once again. It was the perfect night to stay home and watch his favorite horror movie. But now, he was here, feeling like a child – abandoned on the corner and looking utterly lost, searching for a specific face amidst the crowd. He wasn’t even drinking.
Donghyun let out a deep sigh, realizing that his search was useless. He couldn’t see anything beyond drunk people stumbling on their own feet. Dongmin probably was enjoying the party somewhere, without thinking about the friend that he dragged there. Donghyun looked at the time, it was midnight – and it has been two hours since the “I’m only going to get a drink” became a “I’m going to enjoy the party somewhere else with my other friends and boyfriend, forgetting that someone is waiting for me here.” It wasn’t the first time, and it’d probably not be the last. He wanted to stop being an idiot.
He got tired of waiting. If he walked back home now, maybe he’d manage to stay awake long enough to see the movie – that is, if he didn’t get distracted thinking about how much he wanted his best friend to have an overdose, or how he’d do anything to have his company.
He hated Dongmin, the most genuine feeling he ever felt in his whole life. Only Dongmin would be selfish enough to leave him alone at that moment. He didn’t even care, that’s for sure. But Donghyun was the foolish one for thinking that he was a priority. After all, Dongmin had a boyfriend. As childish and unreasonable as his feelings were, he still hated Dongmin for that – for putting someone else in front of him, while he kept stuck in the same place, knowing that his world spun around this friendship that sickened him.
Donghyun looked around one more time, just to be sure. As expected, he didn’t find anything. At that moment, he was so frustrated that he felt like he could cry any time. But crying in front of everyone in a party, despite no one paying attention to him, was humiliating even for him. So, he did what he should’ve done in the first hour at the party: he left.
He sneaked through the crowd, looking for the exit like he was going to vomit if he stayed one more second in that place. No matter how used to it he was, his disappointment was still so great that he barely noticed the tears streaming down his face. His inner monologue was so intense that he was afraid he might be screaming without realizing it.
I hate him. I hate him for leaving me here. I hate him and I’ll never talk to him again. I hate him and I hate the way he makes me feel. I hate him for everything. I hate everything, I hate this feeling, I hate loving him. I hate him and I hope he dies–
The bump made him let out a groan, and he had to focus enough to not fall back on the ground thanks to the dizziness. He was ready to walk again, or run, when he heard the familiar voice of whoever bumped into him. And it was far from being the one he wanted to be, despite everything.
“Donghyun, you’re okay?” He asked, seemingly worried. As if my day couldn’t get any worse, Donghyun thought, looking at him in disbelief.
Myung Jaehyun. Dongmin’s boyfriend. There wasn’t anyone worse for him to bump into now. It was as if the universe was conspiring to give him the worst breakdown he’s ever had in his life.
“Actually, I was looking for you,” he started. Donghyun looked at him, confused. “No– Not like that. I just wanted to know if you knew where Dongmin is.”
He felt relieved, because there wouldn’t be yet another thing for him to regret later. At the same time, hearing Dongmin’s name left him nauseous, and he couldn’t decide if it was good that Jaehyun wasn’t with him or if that made things worse. Donghyun wanted to know where Dongmin was, with who he was, what he was doing, or not doing. He wished for something bad, just to take away a share of the guilt he felt for also doing bad things when Dongmin wasn’t around.
“I don’t know,” he answered, short. All he wanted was to leave as quickly as possible, to puke when he gets home because he was feeling so, so overwhelmed.
“You don’t look well,” Jaehyun commented, looking at Donghyun like he was infected with some disease – or maybe, he was just worried and Donghyun’s sick mind was distorting everything. Oh don't tell me, he thought as an answer, impatient to whatever Jaehyun had to say. “Are you going back home alone like this?”
He almost screamed a “yes! what’s the problem?” until he realized the way this conversation was going, and what Jaehyun was implying. Donghyun blinked two times, trying to clear his head – at least a little bit.
“What do you want, Jaehyun?” Donghyun asked, already knowing the answer. If he was a bad person, Jaehyun was equally as bad.
“I just don’t want to leave you here, alone. You don’t look well,” he tried to explain.
Jaehyun didn’t look like he was totally lying, Donghyun noticed it. His intentions were the best, but they both knew that this wouldn’t end well. Donghyun was already feeling too much, and it was enough for today. He needed a rest.
“I mean it, Donghyun. Just a ride home,” Jaehyun insisted. Donghyun could feel the worry in his voice, he almost looked like he really cared. Like Donghyun really meant something to him. Donghyun rolled his eyes, that fake sympathy annoyed him. “You know what? Forget it. I realize now that you don’t want help.”
Jaehyun didn’t stay to hear what Donghyun had to say, just went back to walking. Slower, still waiting for Donghyun to run after him and begged him to stay. As if Donghyun would do that, as if he was feeling needy enough for that.
But he wasn’t. And it’s not because he didn’t want Jaehyun’s help that he hated to be helped. He liked being helped, to have company, affection – but from people willing to really give him that, and not only when they were alone.
Donghyun didn’t need Jaehyun’s weird support, not today, not again. He’d just walk back home alone, take a hot shower alone and lie down in his bed alone. Because his own company was enough, and he didn’t need anyone with him. Let alone Myung Jaehyun, who was as insufferable as his boyfriend – who, in fact, hasn’t shown any sign of life yet.
Right. Here he goes again, thinking about Dongmin. Dongmin, who hasn’t shown up yet. Dongmin, who disappeared an hour ago. Dongmin, who only thought about himself. Dongmin, who left his own boyfriend alone, to the point that he had to seek his best friend’s company. Dongmin, who was making him want to scream really loud, louder than whatever music was playing at that moment.
Maybe he was needy, maybe he needed company. Maybe he wanted someone with him, but Dongmin hadn't shown up yet and he was frustrated. As if Dongmin would fill up the neediness if he appeared now – because he wouldn’t. There was nothing he could do about that, at least not like Donghyun yearned for. Nothing he did would come close to being enough, because it was never enough and it’d never be. Not with how much Donghyun desired him, in a sick way, that left even him scared.
He wanted to stamp his feet on the ground, like a child. But he settled with closing his hands in fists, hurting the skin with his nails. All because he didn’t know how to deal with his feelings and was afraid that he’d never be able to.
His own company wasn’t enough, and he didn’t want to spend the rest of the night alone. He didn’t want to go home alone tonight, and didn’t want to wallow in his own misery until he fell asleep like he always did. He wanted to be with someone, someone that he knew that a single night would be enough for him to die peacefully. But that someone was out of question, and as always, he’d have to settle with the closest to that.
Myung Jaehyun, whose lips have been kissed by Dongmin earlier. Myung Jaehyun, whose hands have held the body that Donghyun desired for half his life. Myung Jaehyun, who has been close to Dongmin in a way that he’d never be; whose body parts were in contact with Dongmin’s body.
Donghyun, once again, let himself drown in that wave of jealousy and yearning for something that would never be given directly to him. But he could make it work with the indirect. He has done that before.
He followed the path made by Jaehyun, knowing that he was once again looking for Dongmin – in an implicit way this time. He searched for Dongmin again, but this time a shape hidden in someone else. Donghyun didn’t let himself wonder if someday he’d have control over anything he does, or if he’d always let his troubled feelings take over.
It didn’t take long for him to find Jaehyun, who seemed to be walking as slow as he could – as if he’d known all along that Donghyun would go after him. Because he always did. Donghyun didn’t know if Jaehyun knew why, if he knew that it was all because of Dongmin or if he thought that Donghyun couldn’t resist him. Donghyun wouldn’t ask. He’d leave this question in the air, because it didn’t matter what Jaehyun thought when he just wanted one thing out of him, and that thing had nothing to do with him.
“Jaehyun, I want that ride,” he said, crossing his arms over his chest because he hated to be doing that. Jaehyun smiled at him, smug. Donghyun wanted to punch him, and he’d probably try once Jaehyun gave him what he wanted.
── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──
Jaehyun’s car wasn’t small nor uncomfortable, but there were better places that Donghyun would prefer to have sex. His desperation to be touched made him jump on Jaehyun’s lap before they could get to the next street corner, so he’d have to settle with that. But it wasn’t like the place was unfamiliar to him – whenever it happened, it was never in a nice and tidy place, never something planned ahead. It was always made on impulse, without them having time to think about how wrong all of it was.
Maybe one day, he’d stop dealing with things like this. One day, he’d stop running to Jaehyun whenever he felt overwhelmed with his feelings for Dongmin. He had the feeling that this would take a long time to happen, and he’d use Jaehyun until he could fulfill at least a little of the obsession he felt.
“Touch me,” he gasped, asking more than Jaehyun could give him. He was already touching him, but it wasn’t enough. “Please, more.”
Jaehyun tried. He did what he thought would be enough for anyone else, but not for Donghyun, needy and demanding. Jaehyun could stitch their bodies together and Donghyun would still ask for more, because it wasn’t him that he wanted. He was just a replacement.
His hands were everywhere, and Donghyun thought of Dongmin’s hands, ones that he was so used to holding. He concentrated on that thought, slowly sinking into his fantasy, the same one he always had whenever he had sex with Jaehyun – the same one that he’d have until it was over. Jaehyun was holding his waist with a strength that was impossible to not think about Dongmin. Donghyun was sure that he’d do the same.
He attacked Jaehyun’s mouth, trying to pick up the remains of what Dongmin left there earlier. If Jaehyun wasn’t used to it, he’d be scared by the feral way Donghyun behaved. He hasn’t spoken anything, just letting Donghyun do what he wanted and that was perfect for him. The less Jaehyun talked, the better. The less Donghyun remembered that it wasn’t Dongmin there, the better. His eyes were almost never open, leaving more space to imagination.
“I want more,” he said, or thought out loud, rubbing himself on Jaehyun’s lap. He was hard as a stone. “Please, I want more of you.”
Jaehyun acted quickly, moving his hands to take off his pants, thinking that Donghyun was talking to him. He was so stupid and moved by arousal that Donghyun was sure that he didn’t even think about how nonsensical all of this looked. In his head, he probably thought that Donghyun had some kind of hidden hots for him and couldn’t keep it to himself. Jaehyun was lucky that Donghyun didn’t pay attention to his presence when they had sex, because if he did, nothing would happen between them.
All he felt towards Jaehyun was disgust.
It wasn’t difficult to start this with Jaehyun. Actually, it happened quite fast and easy. Donghyun was always aware of the way Jaehyun looked at him, and he didn’t know if Dongmin was also aware of that. If noticed, he never did anything about it, thinking that Jaehyun only found Donghyun pretty, and that wasn’t a crime. Dongmin would never suspect them, would never doubt his boyfriend’s loyalty, let alone his best friend’s of almost a whole decade.
He should’ve doubted.
Getting Jaehyun to have sex with him wasn’t a challenge at all, nothing that he had to beg for. It happened in a night just like this one, where he was desperate at the thought of Dongmin’s touch, and he saw Jaehyun and Dongmin kissing feverishly in a corner of the party. He got sick at the sight, felt like vomiting and ripping his skin with his fingernails. That same night, when he kissed Jaehyun, it was because he was crazy with the desire to feel a little bit of what Jaehyun felt.
Luckily for him, Jaehyun didn’t hesitate or protest. He just did what he wanted to for the longest of times.
Now he was here, repeating that same scene again because this seemed easier than moving on and trying to fall in love with someone else.
Donghyun didn’t want things to be fast, not really. If he was with Dongmin, he’d make it last for hours. But he was so deep in his thoughts that the arousal he was feeling was too much for him to take things calmly. He wanted to feel Dongmin inside him, as soon as possible. His pants and underwear were out of his body in seconds, he didn’t even understand how he managed to take them off so fast.
He didn’t want to lose his time with foreplay, he never did. Jaehyun would even try, would ask, but he was always turned down. Donghyun could never stand to wait. When he wanted, it had to be in the same hour or he’d explode in tiny pieces. That was the level he had reached.
Donghyun wanted this so much. He wanted, in whatever way, to feel closer to Dongmin. He’d do anything, would exchange everything he has for a chance with the real him. The thought alone was making him lose his mind.
He spat on his own hand and guided it to Jaehyun’s cock, lubricating him in a messy and hasty manner. Jaehyun moaned, and Donghyun hated when he made any type of noise, that would take him away from his trance. But he didn’t, he kept looking only down, and the more he ignored that it was Jaehyun there, he could pretend that the moans weren’t his.
When he thought it was enough, he guided Jaehyun’s cock to his entrance and sank into him in a single motion. He let out a pained groan, the intrusion hurt and he shouldn’t have been this terrible. Maybe it was the part of him that thought that he deserved to be hurt speaking louder. He leaned his face on Jaehyun’s neck, waiting for his body to get used to the pain.
“Take it easy, Donghyun,” Jaehyun spoke, his hands under Donghyun’s shirt, stroking his back.
“I’m taking it easy,” he answered in an angry tone. He hated when people talked about how he should act – he hated even more when Jaehyun was the one doing it.
“I know, I just think–”
“Shut the fuck up, Jaehyun,” he cut him off, and Jaehyun obeyed immediately, already used to the rude way Donghyun treated him.
They fell silent, and Donghyun hated Jaehyun for waking him up from the state of mind he was in. He took a deep breath, trying to go back to his thoughts. It wasn’t difficult, he was always thinking about Dongmin – sitting on Jaehyun’s lap, feeling the same warmth that was shared with Dongmin hours before. One way or another, he was close to Dongmin, even if it was indirectly.
The thought got him automatically excited. Only Dongmin was able to change his humor like that. He clung harder to Jaehyun, sinking into that warmth that was bringing him comfort. With that in his head, he started to move above Jaehyun.
He wasn’t the type to make too much effort when he had sex, but tonight he was feeling an unusual arousal. He put his legs to work while kissing Jaehyun hungrily, as always, with his eyes closed. Opening his eyes would probably make him so disappointed that he’d die on the spot.
He couldn’t keep a steady pace, despite using his whole energy. But it was enough for the moment, and he didn’t want Jaehyun to help him. Even though he was used to letting him do the whole work, tonight he wanted Jaehyun to do absolutely nothing. Tonight, he wanted to be good for him, so he wouldn’t leave him again, so he wouldn’t need anyone else.
Dongmin, Dongmin, Dongmin, Dongmin, Dongmin. It was all about him. Always.
Donghyun could feel Dongmin inside him, filling him up like he always desired. It wasn’t him there, but it was like him. Donghyun felt it so much that he had to hold back to not accidentally moan Dongmin’s name. Jaehyun would probably not talk about it, he’d just ignore it. Donghyun would rather avoid that embarrassment. Everything he was doing was embarrassing enough.
Jaehyun moaned loudly, and that would be a problem if Donghyun wasn’t managing to completely ignore that it was him there. His voice didn’t reach his ears as if it was his own, so it didn’t change anything. Donghyun moaned and cried along, soaking in the pleasure he felt. There was nothing that made him closer to cumming than the image of Dongmin in his mind.
But his happiness could never last long, and Jaehyun was obviously going to end it all.
“Donghyun-ah,” Jaehyun called. Donghyun let out a frustrated noise, he hated it when Jaehyun did that. “You know, I’ve always liked you more than Dongmin."
Donghyun didn’t stop moving, but he tried his best to ignore Jaehyun’s voice. He didn’t want him to spoil that almost-perfect moment for him.
“I love Dongmin, but fuck,” he continued. Donghyun wanted to punch him. “I’ve always found you so hot. You’ve always driven me crazy.”
Donghyun didn’t want to know. Actually, he already knew all of that. Jaehyun was terrible at hiding it. That stupid confession was only fucking up the mood, since nothing about what they were doing was about Jaehyun – he could’ve think it was, but it wasn’t. Getting distracted by other things that weren’t his own fantasies was making him lose the remaining patience he had.
That was until he realized that he could take advantage of Jaehyun’s state, he could do something that would please him deeply. Obviously, it wouldn’t be perfect nor the same thing. But he wouldn’t even be in this position if his imagination wasn’t that good, so it could work.
“Jaehyun, say you love me,” he said, head pressing on his neck, to avoid any type of eye contact.
“What?” Jaehyun asked, confused. It made sense, but Donghyun didn’t want to lose time explaining things.
“Damn it, just say you love me!” Donghyun exploded. He needed that, and he needed it soon. “Please.”
If Donghyun looked at Jaehyun, he’d come across eyes widened in confusion or a smug smile. And he knew that any of them would leave him annoyed, so he went back to his thoughts and illusions – ones that Jaehyun fed without questioning.
“I love you, Donghyun,” he said. Donghyun picked up the rhythm, feeling closer. Judging by Jaehyun’s voice, he was also closer, and probably liking that a little too much.
“Again, please,” Donghyun begged, voice hoarse and whiny.
“I love you, Donghyun. I love you,” he obliged. Jaehyun might not be understanding, but that situation was surely satisfying him.
Donghyun kept moving, filling up the car with wet noises and louder moans coming from both of them. Jaehyun kept repeating that he loved him, even if those words had no meaning to him – or if they were hidden confessions. Donghyun couldn’t care less, because Dongmin’s love was what really mattered to him. Dongmin’s love was making him get closer to his orgasm.
With a few more words from Jaehyun, they came. Jaehyun was enjoying Donghyun’s hot, wet hole while Donghyun was enjoying what to him felt like Dongmin cumming inside of him. He didn’t even notice the hot tears streaming down his face, all because of the emotions and sensations he was experiencing.
Donghyun shrunk on Jaehyun’s lap, both breathing heavily. They stayed like that for a few minutes, in utmost silence, Donghyun’s mind slowly coming back to place. Then, it was over.
The fiction was over, the made up was over, and when he raised his head for the first time since all of that started, he saw who was really there. He felt once again all those horrible feelings, and it ended like it always did: he felt like puking, wishing to be anyone else anywhere else in the world.
He lifted up from Jaehyun’s lap and went back to the passenger seat, looking for his pants and panties. All he wanted was to get dressed and leave as quickly as possible. He didn’t even bother looking for his shoes, he’d walk back home with his naked feet touching the cold ground. When he found it, he put them on as quickly as they were taken off, took his bag from the seat and without a word to Jaehyun, he opened the door and left.
“Donghyun, are you nuts? Look at the time, you can’t go back alone,” Jaehyun leaned in, talking to him through the car window.
Donghyun didn’t answer, he’d commit a crime if he had to look at Jaehyun or hear his voice once again. Jaehyun didn’t seem to understand, or maybe he did, but he was too much of a gentleman to let him go. So, he kept calling for him.
“Donghyun, I’m serious. Get back in the car,” he insisted. Donghyun just assumed that he wanted another round – Jaehyun was like this. Or at least that's what's his sick mind believed. “You live near, I’ll take you there. No one will see it.”
“Why don’t you go after your boyfriend? Leave me alone, Myung Jaehyun.” Donghyun wanted to shout, but his voice was too weak and he was exhausted. Everything came out in a tone quieter than he wanted. Mentioning Dongmin seemed to work, Jaehyun shut up right after.
He started walking in his house’s direction, which luckily, wasn’t far. Just two blocks with his feet bruising on the freezing pavement and trying to ignore that slimy discomfort in his legs because he was stupid enough to let Jaehyun cum inside him. It was cold, almost freezing, and he didn’t even bring a jacket. He was bound to get a cold, and he wished for it. A cold wasn’t nearly enough for what he deserved. At least he’d have an excuse to spend the whole week in bed.
His feet creeped on the pavement, and he wished he could teleport to his bathroom so he could take a hot shower. If he left alone earlier, he’d have already done that. Like always, he made the worst decision. It was dawn and he was alone, shivering in the cold and with his whole body sore.
He felt angry. At Dongmin, at Jaehyun, but mostly at himself. Because in the end, all of that was his fault. And Dongmin wasn’t a terrible friend, and Jaehyun wasn’t a terrible boyfriend – if Donghyun didn’t decide to hop him into his mess.
His feelings were almost crushing him, but he didn’t stop to cry nor to calm down. He just kept walking. Walking and walking, ignoring all the pain, physical and psychological. Walked and walked, until finally he got home.
He opened the door and walked to his room. Despite feeling the most disgusting ever, he lied on his bed and got ready to sleep. If he was lucky, he’d never open his eyes again. He would just sleep forever, and go to a place where Jaehyun didn't exist. A place where Dongmin didn't exist. A place where he could finally live in peace.
When he was about to fall asleep, his phone rang inside the bag. Probably Jaehyun, worried, wanting to make sure that he got home. Donghyun ignored it. It kept ringing, he ignored it again, but it kept ringing and ringing, incessantly.
He opened the bag and took the phone, angry, ready to curse at Jaehyun until he felt scared enough to never bother him again. But it wasn’t that name he saw on the screen.
Dongmin. It was Dongmin.
He was tired, and just wanted to forget that this day existed. But ignoring Jaehyun’s calls was one thing, ignoring Dongmin’s calls was something else. He’d never be able to do that, even if he wanted to. He ignored the tiredness and picked up, because despite the circumstances, he still wanted answers. He still wanted to hear his voice.
“Donghyun, you’re okay?” Donghyun could feel the worry in the voice. It sounded like Dongmin was on the verge of crying. “I tried to look for you and I didn’t find you. I tried to call you but you weren’t picking up. I asked around and no one saw you. I’m sorry for disappearing, I know, I know– I was just helping a friend. He wasn’t feeling good and I couldn’t find anyone to take care of him, and my battery died so I couldn’t tell you either.”
Helping a friend, sure. Helping a friend, because Dongmin was a good person – unlike him. He felt so stupid, because he had made a big deal out of nothing.
“Donghyun? Are you there?” Dongmin kept talking, in the same tone, clearly feeling as guilty as Donghyun. But Dongmin hadn’t done anything to feel like that. “Donghyun? Are you hearing me?”
“Sorry, I’m just sleepy,” he said, making an effort to not sound as tired as he felt. “It’s alright, Min. Don’t worry. I’m already home. I was watching that romance film I like, you know.”
Donghyun heard the relieved sigh Dongmin let out before he started talking again. “Of course you were,” he chuckled. “It’s everything okay? You’re not angry at me?”
“Of course not. I told you already, don’t worry about it,” he lied. Another thing to put on the list of things that made him a terrible person.
“Oh, that’s good. I was worried, you know? At least send me a text next time, please.” His voice was lighter, although he was scolding him under the wraps.
“I will, sorry,” Donghyun tried to apologize for things that Dongmin wasn’t even aware of. “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t worry, it was just a silly thing,” he said, naive enough to think that was all it was. “You know I love you no matter what.”
Donghyun didn’t know. Each word was like a punch straight to his guts, and he felt like the worst person that has ever walked on Earth. Even hell would be a light punishment for someone like him. And Dongmin being so understanding only made everything so, so much worse.
“I love you too, Min. I’m exhausted now, so I’m going to sleep, okay? Good night.”
And before Dongmin could answer, he hung up, throwing his phone to the other side of the bed.
It all looked like a nightmare. A nightmare that he was doomed to live in until he became a better person. He had the feeling that that would never happen, so he’d be stuck in that hellish cycle that he had no idea how to get rid off.
He hated Dongmin. Kind and cool Dongmin, who made sure that Donghyun knew each step he gave, while Donghyun hid almost a whole life from him. Donghyun hated Dongmin – hated him for being the reason for the torment that he felt.
Donghyun looked at the ceiling. He thought of nothing, of everything. He heard a sob, and he had the feeling that it was coming from himself, but he felt so disconnected from reality that he wasn’t sure. So he closed his eyes, and wished once again that Dongmin was dead.