what it would be like to date the sniper from tf2

by millicrisp

Notes:

trying really hard to remain unbiased here but i do think he's one of the more normal mercs who is a human person and there's simply no working around that

• i cannot stress enough how much he has had one (1) girlfriend in his entire life, and it was in high school, and it was mostly because they were both somewhat socially outcasted and just decided to try out dating for a bit to see what all the fuss was about. so having a pretty girl look at him for more than ten seconds empties his head of all thoughts. im talking alarms blaring lights flashing DINGDINGDINGDINGDING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! forming sentences is a struggle. eye contact is either zero or like having a staring contest with a lizard. (he’s trying really hard don’t laugh at him😭) it gets better over time i promise but it’s going to take a while for him to get used to the attention.
• hope you don’t mind awkward silences. he’s uh. not the best conversationalist. standby topics are football, whatever medic’s doing, and the weather. he’ll roll up and be like 𝑀𝑒𝓁𝒷𝑜𝓊𝓇𝓃𝑒'𝓈 𝓁𝑜𝑜𝓀𝒾𝓃𝑔 𝑔𝑜𝑜𝒹 𝓉𝒽𝒾𝓈 𝓈𝑒𝒶𝓈𝑜𝓃. and you’re like oh really? (hoping he’ll elaborate) and he’s like 𝒴𝑒𝓅. [thirty seconds of silence] 𝐼 𝓉𝒽𝒾𝓃𝓀 𝑀𝑒𝒹𝒾𝒸'𝓈 𝑔𝒾𝓋𝑒𝓃 𝒮𝒸𝑜𝓊𝓉 𝒶 𝓉𝒽𝒾𝓇𝒹 𝑒𝒶𝓇. and you’re like whaaat that’s crazy! and he’s like 𝑀𝒽𝓂. [thirty seven seconds of silence] 𝐿𝑜𝑜𝓀𝓈 𝓁𝒾𝓀𝑒 𝓇𝒶𝒾𝓃. and you’re like hmm maybe, the clouds look like they might sweep right past us and he’s like 𝒟𝓊𝓃𝓃𝑜. and then he leaves
• flusters really easily. you can literally watch him go into fight or flight when you flirt with him it’s really funny
• later on once he’s less skittish he starts flirting back. this is dangerous. he’s very good at sussing out what works on you, and he has this sort of slow, deliberate way of moving towards you without breaking eye contact like a big cat stalking its prey that is very hazardous to the heart
• he’s also stupid, he’ll be like 𝑔𝑜𝑜𝒹 𝑔𝒾𝓇𝓁 and then look at you like YOU’RE weird for finding it attractive
• generally seems to be baffled by the idea that you’re into him despite the fact that you’ve been actively dating him for over a year
• doesn’t like crowds, which limits your options for dates somewhat, but other than that he’s not picky. really he just likes spending time with you. his favourites, of course, are outdoorsy-type activities - hiking, stargazing, an afternoon fishing together. as i’ve said, he’s continually shocked at his good fortune to have somehow won you over and consequently treats every date like it’s the first one. always early, always pays. but he does do things like get out of his chair to demonstrate how to subdue an attacking alligator in full view of everyone in this fancy restaurant, so i suppose you pay in other ways.
• would love to teach you how to shoot if you ever express interest in it. it’s like his whole face lights up. he’s so excited to share this with you
• likes play wrestling with you and laughing at you for being weak, regardless of how strong you actually are. also really enjoys lording his height over you, even if the difference is practically negligible. and he makes fun of your accent
• can cook but only meat. meat stew. great at stew. great at meat.👍 just never ask him to make, say, a quiche. or enchiladas. or anything that isn’t meat and/or stew. he’s great at those tho!!!
• really, really wants to introduce you to his parents. he’s sure they’d love you. he talks to them about you almost every time he calls. probably asks his dad for advice. (loser <3)
• i do think he bites. not hard, but sometimes if he looks at you too long he gets cuteness aggression and just. bites. and looks at you like a dog that knows it’s done something wrong while your arm is still in his mouth
• secretly a big cuddler. getting up in the morning is a true test of willpower
• i don’t think he’s lived with anyone since moving out of his parents’ house. it’s going to take some getting used to. he’s not, like, inordinately messy, but he’s… how do i put this… very accustomed to his own scent. you’re going to have to prompt him to shower regularly WITH SOAP, because once a week is NOT regularly, and just dunking himself in the river doesn’t count. in a similar vein, you’re not sure it’s occurred to him that clothes should be washed at regular intervals even if they aren’t visibly stained. and he does not need to hunt for food anymore, he can go to the grocery store, he does NOT need to ““““smell natural””””. deodorant is safe. it will not hurt him
• would really enjoy having a more educated or intellectual partner. never went to university, but he’s a really sharp guy. loves talking with you about philosophy, economics, whatever you’re into. finds it really cute if you’re a rambler. he’ll just get you going and listen and smile at you. he’s just happy to be there.
• honestly the more i describe him the more i think he’s kind of like having a dog. you totally have to walk him. he needs offleash time too, he’s an active breed
• okay. i’m trying to keep this sfw, but i know in my heart i need to address this. it’s time to discuss *looks around* *whispers* the piss thing.
• first of all, he does not pee in jars around you, nor does he keep it sitting around when he’s not on a mission. it is a convenient psychological warfare tactic to disgust and disorient close-range opponents against whom he is otherwise disadvantaged, and nothing more. because - as he explains - if you’re a spy trying to sneak around and stab someone, and then someone breaks a jar on your head, that’s pretty distracting, and then you realize you’re covered in piss, and that’s even more distracting. for a few valuable seconds, your brain stops worrying about finding the optimal angle to sever his carotid to go OH MY GOD IM COVERED IN PISS THIS IS SO ICKYYUCKYNASTY EW EW EW EW EW — which makes it substantially easier for him, who is not similarly preoccupied, to stab you first.
• suffice to say, he’s not particularly concerned about being ambushed by spies when he’s not at work, and it’s not like piss is in short supply so there’s no need to store it or keep it handy. consider your fears assuaged.
• totally the kind of dude to call his girlfriend mate. love if he’s feeling sentimental, but mostly mate
• wears that stupid hat all. the. time. like if you want to see him without it you’re going to have to ambush him while he’s sleeping and steal it
• yeah he sleeps with it on too. tilts it over his eyes like a grandpa and snores.
• not into pda at all. it’s a toss up as to whether the other mercs even know you’re together
• he’s spent a lot of his adult life by himself either in the wilderness or doing solo jobs, and he’s uh… not always up with what’s considered okay to say these days… what i’m saying is that he is by far the most likely merc to accidentally say a slur. not the most likely to intentionally say a slur — that dubious honour goes to the soldier (racist), with medic (homophobic) and scout (from boston) as runners-up — but by far the most likely to say one by accident. and you’re like SNIPER YOU CANT SAY THAT
• all in all, he’s a bit of a weird guy, but not a bad boyfriend. in fact he’s a pretty good boyfriend. you just have to be okay with the fact that you’re not going to change him. you can make sure he eats right, you can introduce him to real shampoo, but at the end of the day he’s still going to be a stinky, socially awkward, somewhat feral crazed gunman assassin. but he’s YOUR stinky, socially awkward, somewhat feral assassin <3

Notes:

requests welcome :)

Series this work belongs to:

• Part 3 of TF2 Headcanons But It’s Extremely Obvious Who My Favourites Are