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Manhattan in the evening had a calming effect on Phillip. The time when most began to wind down for the night and turn their lights off. Leaving everything and everyone alone. Alone, where no one would be able to spy and catch them. Catch Brandon Shaw and Phillip Morgan doing what was technically illegal. But to them, it was simply existing as they preferred to. Phillip had never understood why that caused such a problem, but he knew better than to come out and ask why. He brought the drink in his hand to his lips. He wasn’t usually one to drink in the evening, but tonight was a special occasion. And it called for champagne. All day he’d gotten calls and postcards wishing him a happy birthday, and Brandon had made sure to take them to the finest restaurant in town. He had planned on inviting David and Kenneth along as well, but Phillip had told him that was unnecessary, since he knew how much Brandon loathed them. Brandon seemed to loathe everybody under the surface. Everybody but him. Phillip didn’t know whether to be flattered or not, since that wasn’t quite a high bar to get over.
The champagne tickled his throat as he drank it down, staring out of their windows at the dying hustle and bustle below. Manhattan was a city that never truly slept, but it at least respected that quiet hours arrived around 9pm. Phillip’s index finger began to tap against his glass, his mind whirring like it always did. He was never able to catch a break really, always finding something to make his mind race. Some idea to fret over. He tried to stop being so obvious with it, since he knew it frustrated Brandon to no end. He had ruined enough of their romantic ventures with his humming and hawing. But he wouldn’t do that tonight. And besides, tonight was about him. He was meant to be the main focus. Brandon had promised him whatever he wanted tonight. And Phillip knew Brandon could more than deliver when he truly set his mind to something. But tonight his mind was wandering in a direction he couldn’t quite stop it from going, and it was getting louder with each passing second he stood at the window and listened to the noises of the street below. He kept expecting to hear sirens.
The sound of the curtains being closed startled Phillip from his wandering mind, and he turned to see Brandon beginning to close the side windows. “So, where should we begin?” Brandon asked, his attention on containing their apartment in this space where no outsider could penetrate it. Well, one person would penetrate, but that was besides the point.
Phillip didn’t respond, his eyes moving back to the street below. Their dinner had gone well, all things considered. But Phillip knew he had made mistakes. He was weak. But he couldn’t help it. How simple it could have been to reach across and hold Brandon’s hand while they spoke. How easy it was to get lost in his pale blue eyes as he boasted about his latest accomplishment. Phillip was sure he had looked as dumbstruck as he felt. The waiter had to have noticed. It took all of Phillip’s willpower to hold his hands behind himself as they walked along towards Brandon’s car. How Phillip wanted to be closer, bump their shoulders or reach his arm across Brandon’s elbow to be guided along like a woman with her beau. All he wanted was Brandon Shaw, and yet no one else was allowed to know. No one could see them together, truly together. To be kissed by Brandon Shaw under the streetlights of Manhattan would be more than enough. But instead they had to come back here to their cage. Contain themselves until they were in absolute darkness. Phillip had never been so good at keeping a secret before Brandon Shaw entered his life.
The curtains closing the long window that ran most of the length of the living room pulled Phillip from his own mind again. He stepped back, looking at Brandon as he finally hid them away. “You’re thinking too much. Perhaps you need a proper distraction.” Brandon met his eyes, and that tell-tale smirk of his appeared. He crossed his arms as he approached. “What could possibly be on your mind at a time like this? Besides me, of course, and what I’ll be doing to you tonight.” He stopped and held his hand out, putting a finger under Phillip’s chin to force him up to meet his gaze. They weren’t that different in height, and yet Phillip slouched so much it felt like Brandon towered over him at times.
“Brandon…would you marry me?” Phillip asked, the question coming out almost as confusedly as Brandon looked upon hearing it.
His eyes narrowed, his mouth falling into a hard line. “What?”
“If…if we were allowed to be married. If somehow we lived in a world where we could…would you marry me?” The empty glass twisted in Phillip’s grip, and his eyes were wide as he looked up at his secret lover.
The finger under his chin disappeared as Brandon’s eyes began to dart back and forth. He blinked a few times, trying to process this oddball statement. Perhaps he thought Phillip had gone insane. Because both of them knew marriage was out of the question. An impossibility. Sooner or later they’d both surely have to settle for some woman. At least, Phillip knew that Brandon would. His family expected as much from him as the sole heir to the Shaw family fortune.
“Why would I need to marry you? What would that change?” Brandon finally said. He had tensed. Not too noticeably, but enough for Phillip to catch on.
“Well, if we could, wouldn’t you like to?”
Brandon’s mouth twitched. “No.”
Phillip’s hands tightened on the glass. “Oh.”
The silence drew out between them, the mood shifted. Phillip’s other hand grabbed the edge of his suit jacket, holding it tightly as he curled in on himself. “What if I was a woman? If everything was the same except I was a woman. Would you marry me then?”
Brandon shook his head. “Phillip, you know how I feel. This is a pointless question-”
“Then give me a pointless answer,” he shot back, daring to argue with him. He knew arguing with Brandon was a fine line to balance on, but it was his birthday. Just give him this. Give him this one answer and be done with it. Let him down gently and they could go back to how they were. Phillip just wanted to know.
“No. I would never debase myself by marrying someone below me. I won’t marry you now, and I wouldn’t marry you if you were a woman. I can’t marry anyone because no one will be good enough. It would all be a waste.”
Phillip turned away from him, walking away as he set his glass down, wringing his hands as he tried to hide the tears that had broken free from his eyes. But he didn’t get far before a hand was on his shoulder, turning him around and pushing him against the wall. Phillip’s lip quivered as he could barely meet Brandon’s piercing gaze. He never cried around Brandon, because Phillip knew Brandon hated it. Hated to see him be weaker. Of course he wouldn’t marry him, Phillip was a nervous wreck. He was weak and pathetic and Brandon deserved better.
“Phillip, stop crying.”
“I-I’m sorry…” he spit out, trying and failing to contain his tears. More fell free as he tried to blink them back.
Brandon sighed, reaching up to wipe them away. “I didn’t mean to offend you, but you know how I feel.”
“I know.”
“But that doesn’t mean I won’t indulge you. You might be the closest thing to an equal I’ve ever met, besides Rupert.” And there it was, Rupert Cadell. Phillip always wondered how long he would have to wait before their conversation would return to Rupert and his philosophy. Brandon could never go more than a few days without bringing it up again. He had been thinking about it so much lately, Phillip had been shocked that he hadn’t brought it up at dinner. But it was more prevalent these last few months. And that was the real answer.
“If we became equals…would you…”
Brandon’s hand covered his mouth. “Phillip, you already know the answer. Stop asking. That’s not what’s important right now.” He leaned in closer, his hand still separating their lips. “What’s important right now is what I’m about to do to you, so focus on that over everything else.” His hand drifted, Brandon’s thumb running across Phillip’s bottom lip as he cupped his face. “Just let your thoughts go, and focus on what really matters.”
Their lips met at the edge of the living room, and they were moving quickly after that. The lights went out, leaving them in darkness, hiding their sins from any who might be trying to spy on them. And Phillip’s mind quieted for a moment. It never truly stopped, never truly shut down and let him enjoy himself. But for a moment, Brandon was able to distract him. Brandon always knew what was best for him.