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Lily is the most confusing person Haewon’s ever met.
Lily is a very silly person. Lily is a deeply unserious person. In her notes app, Haewon keeps a list of all the diabolically funny things she’s blurted out, featuring all-time greats such as “America! The big guns! Pew pew pew! Oh god,” and “I have never hidden a Jew in my basement before.” What makes her even funnier is that she doesn’t realize how funny she’s being, so she delivers the most ridiculous lines Haewon’s ever heard with a straight face. After eight years together, teasing each other and cracking up at each other’s jokes, just looking at Lily is enough to make Haewon laugh.
Despite her goofiness, Lily also possesses an uncanny ability to become serious at the drop of a hat. Unlike Haewon, who has a reputation to uphold as an “idgafer” (as Jinsol calls it), Lily has no qualms about being openly heartfelt and sincere. Once when Haewon had offhandedly criticized her own vocal performance after a monthly trainee evaluation, gaze downcast and scuffing aimlessly at the floor with her sneaker, Lily took Haewon’s hands in hers, leaning down slightly so she could look right into Haewon’s eyes. “Don’t say that. Your voice is so beautiful, every time you sing I’m reminded of why I fell in love with music.”
Haewon lies awake thinking about that sometimes.
Lily is also a very confident person. She has the ability to pull out some of the cheesiest one-liners Haewon’s ever heard without a drop of shame. During the Party Cake Murder episode of PICK NMIXX, when Haewon described the culprit as pretty, Lily ran her hair through her fingers and said, “So it’s me?” and pretended to be handcuffed. Haewon had nearly died of secondhand embarrassment. And she’s not just confident about her looks—when they go on variety shows and the hosts ask her to sing, she doesn’t hesitate because she knows she’ll deliver a flawless performance. Because she knows the audience will hang onto every note. And Haewon does too.
So it doesn’t make sense to Haewon when she finds Lily in the dance practice room hours after their group practice has ended, sweat trickling down her neck and exhaustion written all over the lines of her body, her face steely with determination. It doesn’t make sense to her when she tells Lily to go home and rest and Lily just shakes her head, hitting the play button and saying “One more time.” It doesn’t make sense to her when she finds Lily worrying her bottom lip between her teeth as she looks at her phone, and Haewon reaches out and flips her phone over because she doesn’t have to check the screen to know that she’s reading hate comments. It doesn’t make sense to her when Lily just gives her a sheepish grin and shuts her phone off, but Haewon catches her a week later doing the same thing again.
Haewon’s spent eight years with Lily—long enough to get a bachelor’s, master’s, and PhD with time left to spare—and yet she feels lightyears away from understanding all that there is to Lily Morrow. She knows Lily like the back of her hand, knows all her likes and dislikes, knows how she wakes up with ruffled hair and a stubborn cowlick in the morning, knows how she jams out to her favorite songs like a tipsy frat boy when she gets really excited. And yet there’s always more to find if she keeps looking.
Fascinating. Lily Morrow is fascinating.
“You look like a stalker,” Yoona tells her bluntly one day as Haewon watches Lily sit up straight for her makeup, eyes trained dutifully forward. I want to respect the hard work of the makeup artists, Lily had said when Haewon asked her about it once. “You’re lucky she doesn’t notice.”
“I’m conducting research,” Haewon responds, pushing her no-lens glasses up the bridge of her nose. Yoona laughs in her face.
“Research,” she repeats, voice thick with amusement. “And what does that entail, other than staring at her 24/7 like your eyes have aimbot and she’s the target?”
“You’re such a nerd,” Haewon says. Yoona shrugs, unperturbed. “I write down funny stuff she says. And I have a playlist of songs she’s talked about so I can play them for her when she’s feeling down. You’re acting like I have a bulletin board with pictures of her and cut out newspaper articles and pieces of red string connecting them all together.”
Yoona tactfully ignores the bait. Tricky, this one, Haewon thinks. “Is that all?”
Well, no, that’s not all. But it’s none of Yoona’s business, so she just says, “Actually, I’m thinking of publishing a paper on Lily unnie. If you help me edit it I’ll add you as a co-author. Gotta get those citations up, y’know?” Yoona guffaws and pushes at her shoulder, interrogation forgotten.
She’s always been a good liar.
…
It starts like this: they’re singing together in the vocal room, preparing for Know About Me promotions, gazes bleary with fatigue as the numbers on the clock march onward. 3:28 AM, it declares, in bright red segments.
“I think this part can be a little breathier, like ‘we’re gonna fly to the sky’, you know?” Lily demonstrates the part, her voice slightly raspy from hours of singing. Her eyes are half-lidded, bangs slightly askew. Haewon wants to reach out and fix them. Lily’s hair is always really soft. “So that the part after, the ‘ride or die’, hits really hard, you know?”
“Pretty.”
Haewon doesn’t mean to say it—she’s supposed to be listening—but she doesn’t really regret it when Lily’s ears turn red, lips turning up in a smile despite herself. “Come on, focus. Try it again.”
Haewon makes a vague sound of disapproval. “Tired.”
She expects Lily to protest, but the time must be getting to her, because she just sighs and nods. “Yeah, me too.”
There’s a beat of silence while they look at each other. Then Lily leans forward and touches her index finger to Haewon’s cheek. Haewon startles slightly at the unexpected action. Their faces are so close together.
“Lash,” Lily explains, showing Haewon the eyelash on her finger. “Make a wish.”
Lily’s eyes are so dark, almost black. Pulling her in.
Haewon leans forward and presses her lips to Lily’s.
For a heart-stopping moment, Lily doesn’t do anything. Then she makes a surprised noise and pulls back. “Hae—I—what?”
Horror fills Haewon and she scrambles back, fully awake now. “Sorry!” she squawks, a hand flying to cover her mouth. “I didn’t mean to do that, I don’t know what I was thinking—”
“Haewon, it’s okay—”
“Just so tired and my body moved before I could think—”
She’s cut off when Lily puts a hand on the back of her neck and kisses her. Her mind immediately goes blank and she melts into the kiss, a sigh escaping her before she can think about keeping up her alleged tough persona.
Lily’s lips are so soft.
They break apart. “Haewon, stop panicking. It’s okay. I…” Lily’s voice wavers with embarrassment. “I liked it.”
Her cheeks are rosy pink and there’s a slight sheen of saliva on her lips. Her hands have moved to Haewon’s shoulders and she must be nervous because her fingers are digging in too hard for it to be intentional. Haewon catalogues it all, registers it to memory, mind simultaneously racing and too slow to think of a response. She feels like her brain has been deep-fried and then submerged in honey.
She licks her lips. Peach chapstick.
“So you kissed me to get me to stop panicking?” She means it as a joke, but it comes out with a slight tinge of insecurity. Curse her lack of filter when she’s tired. She needs coffee.
“Well, kinda?” Lily looks at the wall, then at the floor, then finally at Haewon. “But I also wanted to, so.”
There’s nothing that Haewon can really say in response to that without combusting into a million tiny fireworks, so she puts her hand on Lily’s waist and kisses her again, hoping that it’s enough. Judging by the way Lily gently brushes her tongue against Haewon’s lower lip, making Haewon’s knees turn to jelly, it is.
Then Lily yawns obnoxiously into Haewon’s mouth and Haewon bursts out laughing. Lily looks embarrassed but she’s smiling so prettily it makes Haewon’s heart flop pathetically in her chest. “Come on sleepyhead, let’s go home,” she says, intertwining her fingers with Lily’s.
It’s only when they say goodnight and go to their separate rooms that Haewon realizes they have yet to actually talk about this. Her stomach clenches at the thought that they might never kiss again, because Lily probably won’t bring it up and she doesn’t know if she’s brave enough to talk about it if Lily doesn’t.
She’s proven wrong the next morning when they find themselves brushing their teeth at the same time, alone in the bathroom together and both of their faces resembling tomatoes. Just when Lily’s finished and it seems like she’s going to leave, she presses a chaste kiss to Haewon’s mouth, her breath cool and minty. Haewon hasn’t rinsed properly but she responds eagerly, losing track of time to the feeling of Lily’s lips on hers and the pressure of Lily’s body against hers, until they hear someone rummaging around in the kitchen and spring apart.
Haewon’s heart is in her throat.
Lily gives her a bashful smile, tucks Haewon’s hair behind her ear, and exits the bathroom. Haewon stands there for a long moment, toothbrush in hand, toothpaste dripping onto the floor, and the ghost of Lily’s touch on her skin.
No words spoken. So why is her mind so loud?
Fascinating, Haewon thinks, a hand reaching up to touch her lips. Lily Morrow keeps surprising her.
…
It becomes a thing.
They’re discreet about it. Haewon knows the members have no clue, because they’d be screeching and interrogating them both if they had any idea. Since they’re discreet, it doesn’t happen often, but that makes her cherish it all the more when it does. Lily placing a hand on the back of Haewon’s neck and smiling against her lips when they’re the last two to leave the dorm in the morning. Haewon slipping her tongue into Lily’s mouth when they’re left alone in the recording studio, only for them to break apart well before the producers return from the bathroom.
They still haven’t talked about it. Haewon isn’t sure if they need to. It’s not like they’re devouring each other’s faces every moment they get alone. It’s a once in a blue moon thing. It’s nice. They don’t need to talk about it. Right?
She doesn’t realize she’s lost in thought until a finger jabs into her side, bringing her back to the present. Jinsol. “What are you thinking about, unnie?”
The three of them are at an arcade on their day off. Haewon watches Lily’s and Jinsol’s pac-men run away from the ghosts, her own pac-man having died much earlier in the round.
“Um.” Haewon’s not usually at a loss for words like this. Goddamn Lily Morrow and her goddamn lips. Her lips which are quirked into a curious smile as Haewon’s eyes dart around, desperately searching for something to talk about.
Her gaze lands on the rainbow flag at the entrance of the arcade.
“It’s pride month,” she blurts out.
Lily’s pac-man dies. Normally she would be complaining about this and Jinsol would be celebrating and shoving it in her face, but they’re both too busy gaping at Haewon to do so.
“Um, yeah, it is,” Jinsol says carefully, like she’s walking over a field laden with landmines. “Does that… resonate with you?”
“Why are you talking like that,” Haewon says. Her face is on fire. She grasps blindly for something that a totally straight girl would say. A totally straight girl who doesn’t kiss other girls, especially not girls with Australian accents and cute bangs and soft lips. “I was just thinking that it must be hard. They deserve to be celebrated. They’re really brave.”
Jinsol and Lily mull this over. Haewon holds her breath.
“They are brave, but I don’t think that’s the only thing,” Lily says quietly. “I think they just have to do it in order to be happy.”
Jinsol nods in agreement. “It’s obviously hard to be on the receiving end of hatred and violence, but I think it’s hard in a different way to hide. Because then the only person you have to answer to is yourself,” she says, then coughs. “Hypothetically speaking. Not that I have any experience with that or anything.”
“Me neither,” Haewon says quickly. Too quickly.
SOS SOS SOS, Lily mouths.
Haewon sticks Jinsol’s arcade card back in the machine. Out of tokens.
Jinsol sighs. “I’ll refill it,” she says, taking the card from Haewon. “I need to go to the bathroom anyway.”
They wait until Jinsol’s out of earshot. Then Lily grabs her arm. Hard. “Need you. Now.”
Normally Haewon would be delighted to hear these words from Lily, but given the context, she knows she’s screwed. She lets Lily drag her towards a photobooth and yank her inside.
“What the hell was that,” is the first thing Lily says after drawing the curtains shut.
Haewon puts her head in her hands. “I don’t know,” she moans, despairing. “She put me on the spot!”
“Okay, wow,” Lily says as Haewon slowly slides down onto the floor. “Hey, no, don’t do that. It’s fine.” She pulls Haewon back up onto the seat. “I was just surprised. It’s not like you to bring up something like that out of the blue, especially considering… you know.”
Their… thing. Haewon knows.
“Well, that’s the reason why I couldn’t think of anything better to say,” Haewon mumbles through her hands. “I was thinking about you, our, um…”
Lily raises an eyebrow. “You were zoned out because you were thinking about making out with me?”
Haewon wants to sink back down onto the floor and never get up. She wants to lie on the bottom of this photobooth until the sun explodes and the universe succumbs to heat death. “... No?”
Lily bites her lip the way she does when she’s contemplating something, then scoots closer. Puts a hand on Haewon’s thigh. “It’d be okay if you were.”
Holy shit. This is not how Haewon saw this conversation going.
“For the record, I apologize for being obvious and making Jinsol suspicious, although I don’t think she figured it out,” Haewon says in one breath, then grabs Lily’s face and crashes their lips together.
Up until now, their kisses have been gentle. This is decidedly not gentle. Haewon takes Lily’s upper lip between her teeth and tugs, and Lily’s responding whine makes heat bloom in Haewon’s stomach. She pulls back and Lily makes a sound of protest that turns into a gasp when Haewon presses a kiss to the underside of her jaw, then her neck, the muscle tense under her lips. Lily tilts her head back, breath stuttering. Giving her permission. Haewon rests her teeth against the skin, not hard enough to leave a mark. She wants to so badly.
Both their phones ding. Lily fishes hers out. A text from Jinsol.
where r u guys lol i got more tokens so i’m about to crush some random kid in ddr
Haewon sighs, dropping her head to Lily’s shoulder. “We should go.”
“We should,” Lily agrees. Neither of them move.
Haewon nuzzles into Lily’s neck. She smells amazing, like she always does. Vanilla, citrus, and something else that Haewon can’t quite put her finger on. Something distinctly Lily.
Lily squirms. Haewon makes a questioning noise. Lily shakes her head. “Ticklish.”
For some reason, that makes Haewon’s stomach feel hot again, and she pulls back, suddenly overwhelmed. “Come on, let’s find Jinsol.”
There’s a small crowd gathered around the Dance Dance Revolution machine when they arrive, watching Jinsol face off against a boy that cannot be older than nine. The song ends and the scores get tallied. True to her word, Jinsol nearly doubles the kid’s score, and he storms off, huffy.
“Let’s goooo,” Jinsol crows, fist pumping. She’s far too excited considering her competitor was a literal child. She spots Lily and Haewon in the slowly dispersing crowd. “Did you guys see that?”
“Just the last minute or so. You were awesome,” Lily says, completely sincere. Haewon bites back a laugh.
“Aw, you missed out. I hit a sick combo at the beginning." Jinsol tilts her head. "Where were you guys, anyway?”
“We were in the photobooth,” Haewon answers, unthinking.
“You took pictures without me?” Jinsol cries, betrayed. “How dare you!”
“We didn’t take any pictures because we wanted you to be in them,” Haewon says lamely. Lily shoots her a look that’s a cross between stop talking and LMAO.
“So you guys just sat in the photobooth?” Jinsol laughs, then shrugs, not questioning it. “Well, let’s go take pictures, then.”
Haewon releases a breath she didn’t know she’d been holding.
“Nice save,” Lily whispers into her ear, making Haewon’s skin tingle. She tries not to shiver.
I’m so screwed.
…
They become a little less discreet.
It turns out that it’s easier to get alone time with Lily than one might think. In the car before the members and the manager arrive. In the single-occupancy bathroom while waiting for their turn to perform at Inkigayo. In the dance practice room at night when everyone’s long gone and there’s just the two of them in the dark, sharing hushed whispers and languid kisses.
Haewon’s a little addicted to making Lily blush and giggle, so she gets bolder. Sees what reactions she can pull from Lily. A whimper when Haewon nips at her lip. A moan when Haewon sucks on her tongue. Fingers digging into Haewon’s hip hard enough to bruise when she slides a hand up Lily’s stomach, feeling the muscle flexing there.
Research. Very fruitful research.
“Haewon,” Lily groans as Haewon peppers kisses against her collarbone. They’re in a closet backstage at a music show, being careful not to mess up their beautifully done makeup for the day, but Haewon can see slight smudges of her pink lipstick against Lily’s skin. “Haewon.”
God, Haewon loves when Lily says her name like that.
“Yes, unnie?” Haewon looks up at Lily through her eyelashes. Lily covers her face with her hands.
“You can’t call me that while we’re doing this.” Her voice is muffled. “It’s too…”
“Too much?” Haewon drags her nails against Lily’s spine and she arches forward instinctively, gasping. “I think you can handle it, unnie.”
“Oh my god,” Lily squeaks. “I didn’t think you’d be so…”
“So?”
“You know,” Lily huffs, eyes trained on the ceiling. Even in the small crack of light filtering in from the hallway, Haewon can tell her cheeks are red.
“I’m learning a lot about you too,” Haewon says. “You always surprise me.”
Lily looks confused, but before she can ask what Haewon means, her phone dings. “We need to be backstage,” she sighs, making sure the coast is clear before pushing the closet door open and stepping out into the hallway. “Is my makeup okay? Yours looks fine.”
“Yeah, you just have a little,” Haewon wipes at the lipstick on Lily’s collarbone until it disappears.
“Thanks,” Lily murmurs, eyes half-lidded as she looks down at Haewon’s hand. She goes still. Just an inch downward and she’d be able to feel if Lily’s heart is beating as hard as hers.
She feels greedy. She wants, wants, wants.
So, against her better judgement, she places a kiss at the corner of Lily’s mouth. Far enough to look platonic to an outsider, but close enough for Lily to understand.
Lily blushes and looks away, a nervous chuckle slipping out. “Haewon-ah, someone could’ve seen.”
The hallway’s empty, but that doesn’t matter. Haewon shrugs. Looks her right in the eyes. “I know.”
They get another win for Blue Valentine. Their fourth this comeback, fifteenth overall. Haewon still remembers their first win like it was yesterday. She wonders how many more they can get.
(She wonders if it’s okay to want so much.)
…
“Lightweight.”
“Am not,” Haewon protests, shoving weakly at Jinsol’s shoulder.
“Are too.”
“Am not.” Haewon turns to Lily, eyes beseeching. “Right?”
Lily scratches the back of her neck. “Well…”
They’re in Tokyo for an awards show and drinking in Yoona and Jiwoo’s hotel room. They’d added two bottles of peach soju onto their delivery order, and now the room is strewn with takeout containers and the scent of alcohol wafts through the air. Jinsol had opted not to drink and both Jiwoo and Kyujin only took small sips, leaving the brunt of it to the three oldest members.
Haewon gives Lily her best puppy eyes. “Well?”
“She agrees but she’s too nice to say it,” Kyujin cuts in. Haewon ignores her, turning up the pleading eyes to max power until Lily flushes pink and looks away.
“I think your tolerance has gotten a little bit better,” she says finally.
“See,” Kyujin says smugly. Jinsol howls with laughter. Yoona flops face first onto the bed, shoulders shaking.
“Whatever,” Haewon grumbles. “How are you so unaffected?” She points at Yoona, who’s had the most of all of them but looks exactly the same as she always does.
Yoona shrugs. “I’m built different.”
Lily gasps in mock offense. “Hey, what about me?”
Haewon gives her a knowing look. “Unnie, please. You’ve talked so much I’m surprised your mouth hasn’t fallen off.”
“You love it,” Lily responds, wrapping her arms around Haewon like a koala, giggling. Haewon buries her face in Lily’s neck so the members can’t see how red she’s getting. Jinsol makes gagging noises.
“Okay, you guys are cute but I’m pretty sure Jiwoo’s going to pass out so I’m going to kick everyone out now,” Yoona announces, and Haewon peels herself from her sanctuary in Lily’s neck to see Jiwoo nodding off on Yoona’s shoulder.
They gather their trash and exit the room carefully so as not to disturb Jiwoo. “Make sure Haewon unnie drinks water,” Kyujin tells Lily as they walk down the hall. “Do you need painkillers? I have Advil.”
“I’m not that drunk. I’m walking normally,” Haewon objects indignantly, moving ahead of the pack so they can see her walk in a straight line. “See? Perfectly straight.”
“Oh, I’m sure,” Jinsol says out of the corner of her mouth. Kyujin snorts.
“Whatever, losers. I’m going to wake up with no headache and then you’ll all see,” Haewon proclaims as they arrive at her and Lily’s room.
“Uh huh,” Kyujin says, surreptitiously patting Lily on the back as if to say good luck. “Goodnight, unnies.”
“Goodnight, don’t stay up too late,” Lily calls down the hall as Kyujin and Jinsol retreat to their room. “Haewon-ah, do you need some—”
Lily shuts the door and turns around to find herself nose-to-nose with Haewon. “Water,” she finishes lamely, her face heating up at the position they’re in. Haewon’s so close, Lily’s practically sandwiched between her and the door.
“Unnie, you’re so pretty,” Haewon says dreamily, tracing a finger along Lily’s jawline. “Do I tell you that enough? I should say it more. You’re so pretty.”
“You already say it a lot,” Lily mumbles. She looks so pretty when she blushes. Haewon feels insane.
“Gorgeous,” she says, and Lily’s eyes are dark and she’s looking at Haewon like she knows what's coming so Haewon leans forward and kisses her. Lily responds immediately, moaning and winding a fist in Haewon’s hair, tugging gently so that she doesn’t break the kiss but hard enough to make Haewon groan against her lips.
They stumble away from the door and to the bed, not caring about the various pieces of furniture they bump into along the way. Haewon pushes Lily down onto the mattress and climbs onto her lap, whimpering when Lily puts her hands on her hips and pulls their bodies flush against each other, encouraging Haewon to rock against her. She licks deeper into Lily’s mouth, a whine bubbling up in her throat as Lily’s knee knudges upward, sending a spike of pleasure straight to her core.
She pulls back, panting. There’s a string of saliva connecting their mouths. Haewon’s skin burns. Her whole body feels feverish and she needs—
“Haewon,” Lily breathes, and she’s a vision, hair mussed and lips shiny and swollen. Haewon’s so preoccupied with thinking that’s from me that she almost misses it when Lily says “I think we should stop.”
“Wha—why?” It comes out so desperate that Haewon flushes to the roots of her hair. Her hips are still grinding, chasing that feeling. Thank god she can blame it on the alcohol.
“We’re both drunk and we have to get up early tomorrow so I think we should hold off,” Lily says, holding Haewon’s hips still. She’s stronger than she looks. “Until another time.”
Another time makes Haewon’s head swim.
“Okay,” Haewon relents, pouting petulantly. Lily’s gaze softens and she presses a kiss to Haewon’s forehead, carding her fingers through her hair. She rolls to the side so they’re both lying on the bed, and Haewon makes a pleased noise and snuggles closer.
The last thing she registers before she falls asleep is the feeling of Lily’s fingers gently scratching against her scalp.
(As predicted by everyone except herself, Haewon does have a headache in the morning. Lily coos and feeds her painkillers and water, peppering featherlight kisses on her temple, and Haewon privately thinks that she should drink more often if this is how Lily treats her when she’s hungover.)
…
Lily is pretty.
Haewon’s known this for a long time. Intellectually speaking, Haewon knows that every member of NMIXX is pretty, appearance being part of the job and all. But Lily is really, really pretty. To the point where the word pretty doesn’t do her justice. She’s beautiful. Gorgeous. Ethereal.
It’s like every day she finds something new about Lily that she finds attractive. The muscles in her neck when she tilts her head during their High Horse duet. The raw power in her voice when she warms up for their performances. The way she rests her pen against her lips when she’s thinking of lyrics to write in her notebook, teeth scraping absentmindedly against the plastic.
Don’t look too hard, Haewon chastises herself. Be discreet.
Not to toot her own horn, but she thinks she’s doing a pretty good job. That is, until Yoona wrinkles her nose at Haewon during a break in their dance practice. “God, you’re gross.”
“Huh?” Haewon tears her eyes away from Lily. She’s got her hair up in a ponytail and she’s resting her head back against the wall, showing off her glorious neck. Haewon’s been weirdly fixated on Lily’s neck lately. Not just lately. Probably ever since she got her lips on it.
Yoona rests a hand on Haewon’s shoulder. “Dude, you need to stand up. You’re down so bad I’m getting secondhand embarrassment.”
“For who?” Haewon asks, playing dumb.
Yoona rolls her eyes. “You know who. You look like you’re about to pounce on Lily unnie. Or confess your undying love.”
“Shut the fuck up,” Haewon says, feeling her soul drain out of her body. So much for being discreet.
Predictably, Yoona does not shut the fuck up. “Thank god you’re too much of a wimp to actually do that, because I don’t want to see that in our practice room. Or ever.”
Haewon feels her face do something weird before she can school it into a neutral expression.
This doesn’t escape Yoona’s notice. “What. Why’d you make that face.”
Haewon briefly considers trying to weasel her way out of this one, but Yoona’s too perceptive. She laughs nervously. Resigns herself to her fate. “Um, so. Funny story. Lily unnie and I have been kissing for several months now?”
Yoona’s jaw drops. “What the fuck.”
Yoona’s voice rarely reaches such a volume, so all other heads in the room turn to look at her. Haewon’s stomach sinks, but Yoona doesn’t miss a beat. “Sorry, Haewon unnie just accidentally spoiled a drama I’ve been watching.” She waves a hand dismissively. Everyone goes back to their conversations.
“How do you do that,” Haewon marvels. And she thought she was a good liar. She needs some lessons from Yoona.
“Don’t try to change the subject,” Yoona whispers harshly. “You guys have been making out this whole—oh my god, that’s why you keep disappearing together! I thought you were busy with leader and oldest member duties and being responsible and trying to do your best for our group. Instead you two were just sucking face?”
Haewon grimaces. “Don’t call it sucking face.”
“I’m honestly stunned that you guys kept it hidden so well. And thankful. If I had walked in on that I would’ve ended both of you.” Yoona finally pauses. Haewon hopes she’s done, but she can see the cogs turning in Yoona’s brain. “So, what. Are you guys dating?”
“We’re not… together,” Haewon says feebly. “We just… I don’t know. We kiss sometimes.”
Yoona’s eye twitches. “Why.”
“I don’t—I don’t know, we haven’t really talked about it,” Haewon stammers. “It just kind of happened. It’s for… research?”
“For research,” Yoona repeats incredulously. Haewon nods, trying not to wither under Yoona’s judgemental stare. “You and Lily unnie are kissing for research?"
“I don’t know,” Haewon bursts out, wringing her hands. “Maybe we’re practicing for, like, future relationships.”
“Future relationships,” Yoona says slowly. Haewon really doesn’t like this whole repeating thing that Yoona does. “Have you really thought about the future? Can you imagine kissing anyone else?”
Haewon imagines it. A faceless person before her, a hand on the back of her neck, leaning in to kiss her. What height would they be? Probably about the same as her, so she wouldn’t have to bend her knees or go on her tiptoes to kiss them. What would their lips feel like? Probably soft. Haewon likes soft lips. That’s something she learned from Lily. What would they smell like? Probably something sweet, something gentle. But something unique, so Haewon would always associate that scent with them. Probably…
Panic grips Haewon’s chest like a vice.
Because she doesn’t look as petrified as she feels—or maybe because she does look as petrified as she feels—Yoona continues. “Or the reverse. Could you imagine her kissing anyone else?”
No. The word slices through Haewon’s body instinctively. Pain wells up in her chest at the idea of Lily looking at someone else with those dark eyes, her hands cradling someone else, her body warm against someone else. It’s agony. It’s indescribable.
“Oh, fuck.” Haewon whispers. “I’m in love with Lily.”
Yoona nods.
“I’m in love with Lily,” Haewon repeats, every muscle in her body tensing up. She feels like there are ants crawling around inside her. “Shit. Shit. Do you think she knows?”
“First of all, Haewon unnie, breathe.” Yoona takes Haewon’s hand, gripping it so tightly that it brings Haewon back to the present. She can feel her breathing slowing and evening out. “Secondly, I say this with all the love in my heart, and don’t freak out when I say this because it’s going to be okay. But you’ve been the most obvious person on Earth.”
“Oh my god,” Haewon groans, slumping onto the floor. All the panic and adrenaline has exited her body and all that’s left is mortification. “She totally knows. Can I just die right now.”
“Actually,” Yoona says thoughtfully, “maybe she doesn’t. Because she’s been the second most obvious person on Earth and you didn’t figure out she likes you.”
Haewon’s head snaps up. “What are you talking about? She doesn’t like me.”
“Jesus, you’re so annoying.” Yoona slaps a hand to her forehead. “She looks at you like you hung the moon and you two have literally been swapping spit for months and you still don’t think she likes you.”
“That doesn’t mean she has romantic feelings for me,” Haewon protests. “Maybe she just wants to make out. Tons of people do friends with benefits or situationships or whatever. Platonically.”
Yoona frowns. “True, but that doesn’t seem like something Lily unnie would do.”
It’s a good point. “Okay, let’s say that’s true and she does have feelings for me,” Haewon relents. Yoona grins victoriously. “Hypothetically speaking because it’s not true! But if it was, why wouldn’t she tell me?”
“I don’t know. The only way to know for sure is to ask her,” Yoona says, shrugging. “But if you’re asking me, I’d say she probably has the same reason as you.”
Haewon crosses her arms. “I never said I have a reason not to tell her.” She’s being obstinate at this point, she can tell. But she can’t help it. She feels like she’s been dropped into a pit and technicalities are the rope that will pull her out, so she clings to her lifeline.
Yoona doesn’t take the bait. She just looks at Haewon. Patient. Knowing. “But you do.”
Haewon looks at the floor. “Yeah.”
Silence stretches between them.
“Our break has definitely gone way over time,” Haewon finally says, standing up. The rest of the members notice and begin to move towards the center of the practice room.
Yoona pats her on the back. “Chin up, bud. Your crown is falling.”
Haewon sighs. Yoona being so Yoona about this is weirdly reassuring. “Thank you, Yoona. Seriously. I mean, I won’t be able to sleep tonight, but—thank you.” The words are stuck in her throat, but she doesn’t think there’s a better person to have gone through this realization with.
Yoona shakes her head. Haewon frowns in confusion until she says: “You can thank me after you tell her.”
…
So, Haewon will never end up thanking Yoona.
Confessing is simple in theory. Two stick figures. One has a speech bubble that says “I like you”, or “I love you” if the stick figure is feeling especially bold. The other stick figure has a speech bubble that either says “Wow, I feel the same way” or “Thank you, but I don’t feel the same way”. Simple. Haewon draws this scenario in her notebook, opting to fill in the first speech bubble with “I like you”, because she’s not feeling especially bold. Then her pencil hovers awkwardly over the second speech bubble.
A million possibilities flash through her mind. “Ew, that’s gross.” (Not something Lily would ever say, though the idea of it still strikes fear into Haewon’s heart.) “Aw, I like you too! You’re such a good friend.” (Far more probable.) “It’ll pass.” (Haewon did actually say this once when a guy confessed to her in middle school, thinking it made her sound all cool and edgy, but in retrospect it was deeply pretentious and she cringes at the memory.)
And finally, the absolute worst case scenario: “I’m sorry, but that makes me uncomfortable and I don’t want to be friends with you anymore.”
Haewon stares at the page, paralyzed with terror.
In the end, she just writes “LOL” in the second speech bubble, tears out the page, crumples it up, and tosses it in her trashcan. Then, in a bout of extreme paranoia, she fishes the paper ball out of her trashcan, rips it into tiny little shreds, and flushes it down the toilet.
She’s not doing too hot.
Even worse, she’s started acting awkward when she’s around Lily. She pours enormous amounts of effort into acting normal, but it seems to have the opposite effect. Losing her train of thought and having to ask Lily to repeat herself because she’s too busy wondering if she knows. Accidentally tensing when their legs brush against each other in the car and forcing her body to relax. Lily adjusting Haewon’s shirt collar before one of their performances and Haewon making a sound that’s a cross between desert rain frog and fox mating call.
They haven’t kissed once since Haewon's realization in the dance practice room. Part of it is that there’s no good reason for them to be alone, but Haewon knows that’s never stopped her from finding reasons before.
She misses it. Devastatingly so. At the same time, bringing herself to do it feels like stepping off the edge of a cliff into freefall.
In the meantime, Yoona gets a full exclusive to Haewon’s love life woes, because she’s the only one who knows about her situation with Lily and Haewon has to talk to someone about it or else she’ll explode.
“Dude, it’s so hard,” Haewon groans, after five minutes of screeching into Yoona’s pillows and thrashing around her bed like a beached fish. “I’m going to adopt thirty cats and move to a cabin in the woods and die alone.”
“Or you could just confess like a normal person,” Yoona says reasonably. “You can rehearse it if it’s really that bad.”
“Obviously I’ve tried that,” Haewon whines, curling into a ball around Yoona’s blankets, “but then I look into her eyes and I forget everything. Like everything. Even my own name.”
Yoona facepalms. “Oh my god, I cannot stand you.”
Haewon opens her mouth to respond, but she’s interrupted by a knock at the door. She knows who it is before they even say a single word. “Are you okay? I heard some noises earlier and I just wanted to check.”
It’s Lily. Of course it is.
“Come in,” Yoona answers, and Lily opens the door and steps in. Her smile falters slightly when she sees the two of them. “Everything’s fine, Haewon unnie’s just being dramatic.”
“About what?”
Haewon looks at Yoona. Yoona looks back. Neither of them speak.
“Have you guys developed some kind of telepathy?” Lily laughs. Her smile doesn’t quite reach her eyes. “You have been spending more time together lately.”
“Against my will,” Yoona grumbles. Haewon shoots her another look.
“Haewon-ah, is everything alright?” Lily asks, concern written all over her gorgeous features. Haewon’s heart jumps up to her throat. “You’ve been acting a bit different. You know if there’s something wrong you can always talk to me, right?”
“I know.” Haewon swallows. “It’s nothing, I’m okay.” She doesn’t have to meet Lily’s eyes to know she’s unconvinced.
She wonders when she got so bad at lying.
…
The JYP building rooftop is usually empty at night. Haewon likes the view, the quiet, the way the wind blows harder than it does on the ground. Normally, she likes to sit in one of the many chairs and turn her face up to the sky, enjoying the coolness of the nighttime air as she studies the stars. There aren’t many, given the light pollution, but there are always a few. The brightest ones.
This time, she makes a beeline for the northeast corner. Then she takes twenty careful steps towards the south. Leans against the railing and looks out over the skyline, the roads snaking through the city, a million little glimmering headlights blurring together into one unbroken line.
At this spot, just below her feet, is the room where she and Lily kissed for the first time.
“I thought I would find you here,” comes a voice behind her. Haewon doesn’t startle. She’s not sure why.
A body slots in beside hers. “Were you looking for me?”
“Yeah.” Lily’s blonde hair glows in the moonlight. “I have to tell you something.”
Haewon’s heart thumps wildly in her chest. “What is it?”
Lily studies her. Gaze so intense that Haewon wants to look away, but she meets those dark eyes steadily.
They look sad, for some reason.
Lily smiles softly. “Can I kiss you first?”
“Of course,” Haewon answers, breathless, and Lily leans forward until their lips meet. It’s been long enough since they last did this that she feels just as nervous as she did the first time, heart fluttering like a caged bird as she moves her lips against Lily’s. She still tastes like peach chapstick.
Haewon sighs and presses closer, losing herself in the slide of their mouths against each other, the weight of Lily’s body against hers. She brushes her tongue against Lily’s upper lip and drinks in her gasp, smiling into the kiss. She could do this forever.
Water on her skin.
Haewon jerks back, startled, hand reaching up to touch her cheek. Her fingers come back wet. She stares at Lily dumbly. “You’re crying.”
Lily nods. Makes no effort to wipe away the tears slowly sliding down her face.
“You’re crying,” Haewon repeats. “How long have you been crying?”
Lily’s shoulder lifts, drops. “A while.”
“I—you—but why?” Haewon’s tongue feels leaden in her mouth. She’s never been this bewildered in her life.
“I don’t want to do this anymore,” Lily says, and before Haewon can ask what she means, she clarifies, “That’s what I came here to tell you. I don’t want us to kiss anymore.”
“I… okay,” Haewon processes this, swallowing painfully. It isn’t what she wants—honestly, she wants to sob and wail and rip her hair out—but if it’s what Lily wants, she won’t fight it. “But… why are you crying? Did I do something wrong?”
Lily’s silent for a long moment. Haewon can see the gears in her brain turning as she chooses her words carefully, deliberately. Always so lighthearted and free until it’s just the two of them, and then each word, each look, each moment becomes so painfully intentional. It’s what Haewon likes best about her.
She aches.
“This doesn’t mean to you what it means to me,” Lily says finally. Her eyes are red, but she meets Haewon’s gaze steadily. There are tiny droplets in her eyelashes, glinting in the moonlight like diamonds. “I thought I could handle it, that it would be better having you like this than not at all, but I can’t do it. I’ll get over it. I promise. But in order for that to happen, this has to be the last time.”
Get over it? Haewon feels like her head is underwater. Cars honking on the street below, the hum of the rooftop lights, the wind rustling through the trees, all of it so far away it might as well be on another planet. The pounding of her heart, deafening. She means get over me.
She grabs Lily’s hand. “No.”
Lily’s brow creases. “What do you mean, no?”
“I don’t want us to stop kissing.”
Lily’s eyes fill with hurt and Haewon immediately knows she chose the wrong words. “So it doesn’t matter how I feel as long as you have your fun, right?” she scoffs, pulling her hand back. “Doesn’t matter if I pine after you like a lovesick puppy while you—you—”
“That’s not what I—you’re such an idiot,” Haewon laughs. She feels delirious. “Why do you think I don’t want you back?”
Now it’s Lily’s turn to look dumbstruck. “Because… you don’t?”
Haewon throws her hands up in the air. “Seriously? I’m literally telling you that I’m in love with you and you still don’t believe—” she cuts herself off with a frustrated noise and yanks Lily by her shirt collar, pulling her in for a bruising kiss, pouring everything she can’t put into words into her lips, her tongue, her teeth, her hands.
Lily puts one hand on the back of Haewon’s neck, the other cradling Haewon’s jaw like she’s something precious. It’s how she always kisses Haewon. So loving it makes her shatter into pieces.
Hot tears slide down her face. She doesn’t know who they belong to. They’re both crying.
“I’m going to get you flowers.” The words burst out of Haewon as soon as they break apart for air.
“Huh?” Lily looks dazed. Her chest heaves as she gasps for breath, cheeks flushed and lips swollen. She looks so beautiful it makes Haewon want to yell, to find the highest rooftop in Seoul and scream into a megaphone at the top of her lungs, I’m in love with Lily Morrow!
“I’m going to get you flowers,” Haewon says firmly. “I’m sorry I didn’t make my feelings clear to you. I’ll court you properly. Starting now.”
Lily laughs, the corners of her eyes crinkling. “You’re going to court me? Like it’s the 19th century?”
“Shut up, I don’t care how old fashioned it is,” Haewon says, embarrassment prickling at the back of her neck. “You deserve to know how I feel about you.”
Lily’s grinning from ear to ear. “Which is?”
Haewon’s next words are so honest, they make everything else she’s ever said feel like a lie.
“I don’t know if anyone has ever wanted anything as much as I want you.”
A fresh set of tears falls from Lily’s eyes. “I know,” she answers. She touches her thumb to Haewon’s lips. “Because I have.”
Haewon wants to kiss her so badly, and she doesn’t have to hold herself back anymore, so she does. She kisses her everywhere her lips can reach. Lily’s forehead, her nose bridge, her cheekbones, her jawline. She giggles, squirming, but doesn’t pull away. “Tickles,” she breathes, melting into Haewon’s embrace.
“I’m going to get you flowers. Lilies,” Haewon says against Lily’s skin. “Your favorite.”
“Actually, I’ve always said my favorite flowers are lilies because of my name,” Lily admits. “I don’t really know what flowers I like.”
Haewon thinks about it. “Then I’ll get you different flowers every day and you can decide which one is your favorite.”
“All flowers from you are my favorite,” Lily says, poking Haewon’s cheek. “You’re my favorite flower.”
“That’s so gay, oh my god,” Haewon mumbles, blushing furiously.
“Haewon, we’ve been making out for…” Lily’s brow wrinkles in thought. Cute, Haewon thinks. “It’s almost a year at this point, right?”
“In eleven days,” Haewon says automatically. Lily makes a helpless little noise and presses her face into Haewon’s neck.
“It drives me insane that you know that,” she groans. The feeling of her breath against the sensitive skin of Haewon’s neck makes her shiver.
“Actually, did you know right below us is the practice room where it all started,” Haewon says, proud of herself.
“No way.” Lily looks up in disbelief. “How do you know that?”
Haewon shrugs sheepishly. “I looked up the floor plan.”
“Oh my god,” Lily breathes. “I love you.”
Her pupils are blown and she’s giving Haewon that look again. The one that pulls her in helplessly, like a planet trapped in Lily’s orbit. She’s the sun. The stars. The center of Haewon’s galaxy.
So she beats Lily to it and closes the distance between them.
…
“You must have known though, right?”
They’re sitting in a park for their one year kiss-iversary, picnic blanket spread out on the grass, various drinks and pastries laid out before them along with a bouquet of hydrangeas. Today’s flower.
The midday sun shines brightly overhead, but Haewon isn’t sweating like she would normally be because Lily had intentionally chosen a spot in the shade of a tree. So my little space heater doesn’t overheat, she’d said, her eyes curved into half-moons, and Haewon's heart flailed in her chest.
Lily plays absentmindedly with Haewon’s fingers, running her fingers over her knuckles, the lines on her palm. It tickles but Haewon doesn’t pull away, smiling fondly at her girlfriend.
Girlfriend. It still doesn’t feel real.
Lily presses her thumb into the center of Haewon’s palm. “Known about what?”
“My feelings for you.” Haewon clears her throat. “Looking back, I thought I was being subtle but I wasn’t at all, and I’m extremely embarrassed.”
“Yeah, I mean, I considered it. I’m not that insecure or dense.” Lily grins, eyes sparkling. “Plus you’re always looking at me.”
“You noticed that? Oh god.” Haewon buries her face in her hands.
“Hey, don’t be embarrassed. It’s really cute.” Lily pries Haewon’s hands away from her face, lacing their fingers together. Haewon looks up at her, ears burning. “But yeah, I noticed. But I didn’t want to read into it too much. I wanted it to be true so badly and I didn’t know if I could handle it if it turned out not to be.”
She swallows, squeezing Haewon’s hand tightly, like she’s saying don't let go. “It’s one thing for me to want you from afar. It’s another thing entirely for me to want you to want me back.”
“I felt exactly the same,” Haewon says softly. “I could’ve pined for you forever. It wouldn’t have been hard.”
“I guess I wasn’t really brave in the end.” Lily rests her head on Haewon’s shoulder. “I didn’t mean to confess. I was just going to tell you that I didn’t want us to kiss anymore. But you looked so scared that you’d done something wrong and I just… I couldn’t do that to you.”
“I know. I wasn’t being brave either when I kissed you that first time. You were just so pretty and…” Haewon sighs at the memory. “I don’t know, I just moved on instinct. I think I would’ve died if I tried to hold it back.”
Lily blushes. “You know, you say the most romantic things. Even though I’m pretty sure it’s completely unintentional.”
“Says you.” Haewon pokes Lily in the side. “Do you remember that time you told me that my voice reminds you of why you fell in love with music? Do you know how many nights I couldn’t fall asleep because I was thinking about that?”
“Oh my god, that was so long ago,” Lily marvels. “I can’t believe you still remember that. Wasn’t that back when we were trainees?”
Haewon nods. A minute passes in silence as they reminisce about years of memories. Training together. Traveling to LA together. Debuting together. Looking into each other’s eyes as they sing onstage, the whole world fading away until it’s just the two of them.
“It’s gonna bother me until the end of time that you confessed first,” Haewon grumbles, kicking her feet in the air.
“It was always going to happen this way, Haewon-ah,” Lily singsongs, pinching Haewon’s cheek. “Just remember who wears the pants in this relationship.”
“Yoona’s never going to let me hear the end of it,” Haewon groans. “She listened to all my panicked rants and told me to confess a million times and in the end you beat me to it.”
“Oh my god, that’s why you guys suddenly got closer? I was so jealous and I thought that maybe you and Yoona…” Lily trails off, embarrassed.
Haewon makes a gagging noise. “Ew, no. She’s like a little brother.”
“Not a little sister?” Lily chortles. “Are you her older brother then?”
Haewon nods. “Mhm. And she’s my annoying little brother who constantly makes fun of me for being obvious and staring at you.”
Lily melts, running a hand along Haewon’s arm. “I know we’re together now, but please don’t stop staring at me. I love your obviousness, Haewon-ah.”
“I don’t,” Haewon mumbles, mostly to herself.
Lily tilts her head. “Why not?”
“Well, I guess my obviousness is okay now, because I told you how I feel. But before that…” Haewon shakes her head. “It doesn’t matter how obvious I am if I don’t have the guts to say it. I mean, how can I claim to love you if I can’t even say it to your face?” Haewon takes Lily’s hands in hers. “So I’ll say it as many times as you need to hear it. I love you.”
Lily inhales sharply. Her hands are trembling. “I’ve heard you say that countless times but it’s so different now,” she whispers. “I love you too.”
Haewon exhales shakily. Lily’s right; it is completely different now that she can call Lily hers.
They’re lost in each other for a long moment.
“I’m writing a love song about you. About us,” Lily says, breaking the silence. “I think it’ll be done in time for our next comeback.”
Haewon’s heartbeat pulses like a drum. “Sing it for me.”
“It’s not done yet. I can show you what I’ve written so far later,” Lily says shyly. “But it’s about wanting to stop hiding. Wanting to show the whole world that you’re mine.”
“It suits us,” Haewon says, smiling softly. “I want us to have the same lines.”
Lily laughs. Strokes a hand over her hair. “Of course. It’ll be your one year present. Anything else you want, my darling?”
Haewon mulls it over. Stares up at the sunlight filtering through the tree leaves, then down at Lily, who’s placed her head in Haewon’s lap. Her neck is craned backwards, soft skin and firm muscle on full display. An old desire resurfaces. “I want to give you a hickey.”
“Haewon!” Lily swats weakly at Haewon, pressing her face into Haewon’s stomach. “I thought you were going to say something romantic but then you—you’re unbelievable.”
“Please, I want to so bad,” Haewon whines, running her fingers over Lily’s neck. “I can cover it for you. Please?”
“Fine,” Lily acquieses, blushing fiercely. “Later. In private.”
(She does claim her present later, sucking gently on Lily’s pulse point and digging her teeth in while Lily whimpers and tugs on her hair. Haewon admires her handiwork for a long while, until Lily’s embarrassment reaches a breaking point and she fishes out her concealer. Haewon covers it while pouting the whole time.)
…
Haewon planned it all out with Lily. It’s her duty as a leader, after all. They’d sit the members down at the end of practice, hold hands, and announce that they were in a relationship. They would be professional and mature, and the members would congratulate them lovingly and perhaps a bit knowingly. It would be very sweet. Like a movie.
Then, of course, Haewon has to ruin it by kissing Lily in front of everyone in the living room.
“Haewon,” Lily hisses, eyes darting around. There’s no reaction, so Haewon thinks she’s gotten away with it until—
“Jeez, took you long enough.” Kyujin’s giving Haewon an unimpressed look.
Yoona looks up from her phone. “Huh?”
Kyujin gestures towards Lily and Haewon. “They kissed.”
“They kissed?!” Jinsol screeches, pitch high enough to break glass. Haewon winces. “On the mouth? And I missed it?”
“Jinsol unnie is himejoshing out,” Jiwoo snickers.
“Computah, make these two gay and horny!” Jinsol shouts, pointing at the embarrassed couple. Four heads turn to look at them expectantly.
“Just for that, no,” Haewon says, grinning from ear to ear. It’s always fun to mess with Jinsol.
“Aw, come on, Haewon-ah. She’s so excited,” Lily says, taking pity on Jinsol. “Just one?”
Haewon folds embarrassingly fast with Lily’s puppy eyes trained on her. “Fine,” she relents, and Lily brightens and pecks her on the lips.
“Oh my god!” Jinsol squeals, running around the room like a headless chicken. Kyujin and Jiwoo cheer like sports fans whose team just won a championship. Haewon covers her face with her hands, simultaneously ecstatic and mortified. Her eyes dart over to Yoona, who’s nodding sagely.
“I’m happy for you guys,” she says sincerely, getting up from the couch to hug a blushing Lily and a stiff Haewon. “I’m also happy for myself, because if Haewon unnie kept coming to me for advice and not listening to my advice I was going to scream and break things.”
“For real,” Jinsol chimes in. “I thought you guys were in a competition to see who could yearn more pathetically and somehow you were both winning.”
Jiwoo and Kyujin fall over themselves with laughter. Haewon stares at the ceiling. In hindsight, she should’ve known that the members would clown on her no matter how they announced their relationship.
“So who confessed,” Jiwoo says once she’s managed to contain herself.
“Me,” Lily says proudly. The members nod, murmuring it makes sense and as expected. Haewon’s jaw drops, offended.
“I can confess first,” Haewon protests, which just makes the members crack up harder. “I totally could’ve confessed first!”
“But you didn’t,” Lily says cheekily. “Just accept it, baby. There’s no way you would’ve confessed.”
“But I kissed you way before that,” Haewon complains. “Shouldn’t that count for something?”
Jinsol gasps. “Wait, hold on. You guys were kissing before you confessed?” Three pairs of eyes whip over to stare at Haewon and Lily.
Yoona just chuckles. “I knew about this.”
“And you didn’t tell me?” Jinsol cries, grabbing Yoona by the shoulders and shaking her back and forth. “I thought our love was real!”
“It is, but Haewon unnie’s my bro and I have her back.” Yoona bats Jinsol’s hands away.
“So before getting together, you kissed Lily unnie first?” Kyujin looks at Haewon, confused. “How did that even happen?”
Haewon scratches the back of her neck. “It was for research?”
“RESEARCH,” Jinsol shrieks, making circles around the room like a dog chasing its tail. Jiwoo laughs so hard she chokes on her spit. Kyujin thumps her on the back.
Yoona has tears in her eyes and she’s clutching her abdomen. “Oh my god, I can’t believe you’re still saying that.”
“Yoona, how long have you known about this?” Jinsol wails, and Kyujin and Jiwoo join her in rounding on Yoona and demanding answers.
While the members argue amongst themselves, Lily turns to Haewon. “Well, how did your research turn out?” she says jokingly, tucking a strand of Haewon’s hair behind her ear. “Did you find what you were looking for?”
Haewon thinks about it. Leans her head into Lily’s touch. “Yes and no.”
Before, Lily would’ve frowned, but now she knows Haewon well enough to know there’s more. “Why no?”
“I don’t think I’ll ever stop learning more about you,” Haewon says honestly. “You always surprise me. You’re always changing and growing and so am I. And I want us to be together for all of it. But…”
Lily smiles. “But?”
“But if you’re asking if I found what I’m looking for…” Haewon looks over at the members, glowing with laughter. Jinsol, ruffling Yoona’s hair. Jiwoo, her arm slung over Kyujin’s shoulder. Then her reflection in the window, and Lily beside her, looking at her with those beautiful eyes. The two of them the brightest thing in the room.
“Yeah. I did.”