Work Text:
in a email sent at 3:48 am
My hope,
I don't know if I can call you that. If it's okay if I do. You spend so much time telling ARMY that you're their hope and they're yours, and I don't know if you're my hope too. I like to think you are. And not just in the sense that you are of course the hope of all of Bangtan, which you are, but I find myself selfishly wanting you to be my hope in a more possessive way. It's not fair of me, to want like this. But I do, I do, I do.
My hope. You've been there for almost everything. Except for those brief terrifying moments when I thought you'd really left for good and for real. I'm so glad that wasn't the end of it. Of us. Both us as in Bangtan and us as in…whatever this is. Whatever we are now. Are we anything? Can we be anything? Is there room in the world for that?
I know. I can hear you now. I know you kissed me before I left. I know because I swear I can still feel it. I know I should know that means something, that you want something with me. Something. But those things are so nebulous. Everything is so nebulous right now. Everything feels like it could be anything and nothing. What sort of thing do you want? What do I want?
It's 3 am and all I'm thinking about is you. I should be sleeping. Tomorrow is going to be a busy day full of schedules someone else has decided on that arranged down to the minute. Just days of this. I should be sleeping. I can't sleep. I have once again forgotten how to rest. How to close my eyes. How to do anything but lie in this hotel bed and stare at the ceiling and replay every single second of that kiss. The way your heart shaped mouth went softer than soft. The hand you tightened on the back of my neck as you pulled me in and licked your way into my fucking soul like whatever taste you found in my mouth was the only thing that could sate you. The way your waist felt under my hands. Delicate. Like a bird. Like something I could accidentally crush if I wasn't careful.
I both want to be so careful with you, the beautiful man you are, all of these delectable planes and angles, and also I want to see what happens if I'm not. I want to drink from the cup of your clavicles and worship each individual bone of your ankles. I want to see what happens if I push. If there are teeth. Would you take me in hand? Would you show me what happens when the cliff edge races to meet us?
I wonder sometimes if you'd tie me up. I am tired of leading. I know why I am what I am but I also know you're very good at seeing through it. At letting me be none of it, when I need to be. Head in your lap, a reminder that I'm good not just because I'm the leader of Bangtan, but because I exist. Would you tie me up and just…show me how to be good for you? Can I hope for such things?
I miss you. It's been 3 long nights and it will be more before I'm back. I miss so much about you. Not just the taste of you, now that I know that. But your laughter. I miss your laughter so much. It's a beautiful thing. I miss the all the sounds you make as you go about doing…well, anything. I miss that arch of your eyebrow when you're about to tell me just how many beats behind I was. I miss you.
I don't know what happens when I come home. But I want to kiss you again, to start. If that was real. If we are real. If your whispered cursing about how my legs looked in the shorts I was wearing that night was real. Was it it just the soju?
I know it wasn't. I know that. It would be awful of me to say I somehow hadn't noticed all the ways that the kissing was inevitable. That we were inevitable. That it's always been true, that you are my hope, truly.
But I'm alone. And I can't sleep. And I miss you. And I wish that I could hear you say it.
Love, love, love, love always, love now and then and forever,
Namjoon
In a reply to the above, sent at 7:18 am
Joonbug, my favourite absolutely ridiculous golden retriever of a man,
Yes. It was real. I kissed you and you kissed me and if you hadn't had to rush to the airport I would have at least given you a blowjob. We are whatever we want to be. Boyfriends, if that word suits. Whatever you want. Just…come home safe. Come here when you get back. Let me show you everything I feel so that your big sexy brain stops eating you alive.
And yes. I'd love to tie you up.
Love,
Your Hope