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They say time flies when you’re having fun, and it certainly seemed to be that way for Tom and Ryland that summer. In the blink of an eye it was time for Ryland to get back home so he could prepare for school to start. The evening before his flight back to San Francisco, he was packing and Tom was moping about it. “Do you really have to go?”
“Yes, Tom, I really have to go. I am already behind on lesson planning and getting my classroom set up, plus I have staff meetings to attend and orientation for the new students and a dozen other things I’m trying not to think about at the moment” Ryland was trying real hard not to stress about the amount of work he needed to do in the couple of weeks before school started.
“You don’t need to work, though.” Tom said, looking up at him from where he was lying on the couch in their New York hotel room.
Ryland shot him a look. “What is that supposed to mean? I have bills to pay and besides, I like my job.”
“It means, I’ve told you before I want to marry you, and I can easily provide anything you need. You don’t need the money.” Tom sat up, now appearing to take the conversation more seriously than before.
“You really do bring up marriage at the worst times, Tom.” Ryland sighed. “I don’t want to be a house husband or whatever you’re suggesting. Teaching feels more like a calling than a job to me. It wasn’t my first choice, but it was the best fit for me. I can’t just give that up to follow you around like a lovesick puppy.”
Tom was starting to get frustrated. One of the things he loved about Ryland was that he didn’t care about Tom’s money. He just wished he wasn’t always so stubborn about letting him use his money to benefit Ryland. It had taken a while to get him to agree to let Tom pay for his plane tickets to and from New York even.
“Look, Sunshine, I’m not trying to put down your job. I know you love it. But you love me, too, right? Don’t you want us to be together?” Tom asked, feeling a little bit desperate.
“Of course I want us to be together. But as of right now, I still have a job and a home in San Francisco and that’s where I need to be for the time being. I couldn’t in good conscience leave the school with almost no notice right before the school year starts, even if I wanted to.” Ryland was starting to get more than a little frustrated with this conversation and Tom’s acting like money was the only thing that made the decision. If he’d cared about money, he would have focused on getting a job at a private boarding school or something. But he wanted to help the most kids he could to discover an interest in science and the world around them. And he didn’t want lack of money to be the reason that those kids didn’t get the best science education he could provide.
“So you’re just going to leave me like that? All alone so you can forget about me?” Tom whined.
Ryland knew Tom could be self-centered at times, but this was an extreme he hadn’t seen before. Had he just been easy going all summer because their relationship had been progressing in the way he’d hoped for it to? Now that things seemed to have hit a snag in his plan, he was throwing a fit if he didn’t get his way?
“There is a huge difference between ‘going back to take care of my responsibilities’ and ‘abandoning you’.” Ryland retorted. “I am not leaving you, I just have to go back to work!”
“Like I said, you don’t have to. Stay, marry me, let’s adopt a dozen babies or something and then you can teach them all the science you want! Just don’t leave me, Ryland!” Tom practically cried that last sentence.
“Going back to long distance like things were when we started is not me leaving. You had to have known that this is how the summer would end.I can’t just hang out on set indefinitely without getting a little crazy. We can still talk as often as our schedules allow and make plans for all the holidays. Maybe in a year or two I can get a job closer to LA so we can be together whenever you’re out there.” Ryland felt like he was pleading for Tom to see reason at this point.
“I need you, Ryland. I don’t like who I am when you’re not with me and I don’t want to go back to being that person. I’m so afraid you’ll walk away and realize you’re better off without me and find someone who actually deserves you!” Tom had tears in his eyes as he tried to make Ryland understand why he couldn’t leave him alone. He was too scared to be without him.
“We don’t have to be physically in the same place all the time to be together. And you seriously think I could find someone better than you? Or that I’d want to even if this imaginary person existed? I never thought I would meet someone who cared enough to learn who I am that they’d spend the time to get to know me and love me. You are everything I want in a partner. You see me and you aren’t bored or disgusted or annoyed with what you see. You listen to me and respect me and you make me feel safe. I don’t know how I can make you understand that I am not interested in leaving you, ever.” Ryland was beginning to feel overwhelmed with this whole conversation (argument? He wasn’t sure what this was.). He didn’t know how to make Tom understand where he was coming from here.
“And all of that isn’t enough? You still need your job and not just me?” Tom asked.
“I can’t just make you my whole life. That isn’t a sane thing to do, Tom. I want you as the most important person in my life, absolutely, but you can’t be my entire life and I shouldn’t be yours either. There has to be some kind of balance or we’ll both fall apart eventually.” Ryland silently prayed to a god he didn’t believe in that Tom would see reason here.
“Sounds more like bullshit than balance to me. I want you to be what I build my life around.” Tom said somberly.
Ryland tried to reach out for his hand, but Tom stayed deliberately out of reach. “That sounds like a good way to suffocate someone, Tom. Like trapping a wild animal so they have to bite their own leg off to be free. We need to focus on supporting each other, not surrounding each other.”
Tom stood up abruptly, “Fine, if you don’t want to stay, then you should just go now. No need to waste any more time, right?”
“So your ultimatum is to decide right now to stay with you forever, or leave? Permanently?” Ryland asked in disbelief.
Tom shrugged, “I guess so. Like what’s the point if we can’t even agree on something as basic as how often we see each other?”
**********
Ryland knocked on the door to Colt’s hotel room, and heard him scrambling around a bit before he opened the door just a crack. “What’s up, Ry?” He asked, and then got a good look at Ryland’s face. He looked like he’d been crying for hours at this point. “Uh, don’t go anywhere, I’ll be right back.”
Ryland heard Colt whispering in the room, and then a few moments later, the door opened and Jody, Colt’s new girlfriend stepped out into the hall. ‘Uh, hi Ryland. Sorry to hear you’re having a bad night. I’ll see you both later, okay?”
Colt grabbed Ryland by the hand and directed him to the couch in the room’s sitting area. “Do I need to beat the shit out of him for you? What did he do?”
Ryland looked alarmed. “No! Don’t hurt him. He’s just scared. I think he’ll come to his senses soon enough. Maybe. I miss him already, Colt. LIke it’s so pathetic.”
“Do you want to talk about what happened?” Colt asked gently. He was pissed at whatever Ryder had done to make his brother this upset, but he knew that him being aggressive about it wasn’t what Ryland needed right now.
“Honestly, I’m still trying to figure it out. One minute he’s all ‘Don’t go back. Marry me.’ And the next he’s kicking me out because I told him I can’t make him my entire life. I don’t want to quit teaching just to follow him around from set to set. That’s crazy, right? It’s not like I teach for the money, so I’m not gonna give up my life for his money.” Ryland felt like he was rambling and stopped himself so Colt could catch up.
“He wants to marry you?” Colt asked, stunned.
Ryland laughed bitterly, “Well, he did. It’s not even the first time he said something to that effect. The first time was in an elevator. I almost had a panic attack.”
Colt was shocked and said the first thing that came to mind, “But you hate elevators.”
“Exactly! He has the worst sense of timing when it comes to marriage proposals, I guess.” Ryland laughed for half a second, but it devolved into sobbing almost immediately.
Colt was at a loss for words and just sat beside his brother with a hand on his back, trying to offer what support he could. To himself he thought I’m going to kill that asshole for making my baby brother cry.