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Growing up, Sim Jake had never fit the masculine stereotypes, which his mother opposed.
She would tell him to wear darker clothes, act more masculine, and fit stereotypically into society.
And of course, Jake listened to her.
Well, at least in front of her.
He’d continued to act his carefree side while out with his friends or just not with family.
As time passed, he only rebelled more against his mothers “rules” and frame of how a man should act, wearing even more “girly” clothes.
He’d even tried out skirts and dresses sometimes, enjoying the way they made him feel pretty.
It didn’t matter if people judged him, or talked behind his back.
It was just words, a lyric-less song, weaving through the air, past his ears.
He didn’t care about what they said.
But the stakes were different now.
He had debuted in the kpop group, Enhypen.
A group that broke headlines, broke records, and had a huge, international fan base.
Sim Jake had maintained a warm, friendly personality, but he didn’t act the same way.
Not too “girly” or what his mother would say, “weak.”
He had packed up the dresses, the skirts, everything into a small luggage and brought it to Korea.
He seldom saw them, let alone wear them.
Every kpop fan says, “let idols wear what they want” or “we support as long as they’re not problematic “.
But it’s all lies.
If you don’t fit the blueprint, the stencil, the mold, they’ll rip you apart until you do.
No one will support you if you dress like that, Jaeyun.
All the fans, the engenes talk about how pretty he looks in more feminine clothes.
It’s almost like they’d support him for this.
He knows better.
They only support him because he fits the mold of a male idol:
Attractive,
Intelligent,
Gentleman.
And on a side note, because he acts in a way that gets fans fantasising about him, explicit things, sexual things, or just simple romance. But that’s not the point.
Their choreographies are specially made and thought out just to sell the idea.
The idea that they all fit the stencil.
In the end, idols are just bodies to be sold, fantasised about, sexualised.
Female idols need to look weak and childlike.
Male idols need to be dominant and handsome.
And Sim Jake didn’t fit the mold for a male idol.
If you don’t fit, pretend.
There was Jungwon, who acted cute but could be serious.
Jay, with his gentleman persona.
Sunoo, who was loved for his duality.
Sunghoon, the “ice prince.”
Ni-ki, the cool, chill guy.
Jake, the “freak” who was husband material.
The first 5 might be true.
But Jake knows, he doesn’t fit the mold.
Not when he wants to wear girly clothes.
Not when he likes being soft.
Not when he isn’t who they think he is.
It was one of their rare hiatuses when his biggest fear came to life.
Not just a “what if” anymore.
Jake had pulled those clothes out of his luggage, and decided to try them on again.
No one else was home.
It’ll be ok, right?
He picks out a white tube top, a pink cardigan and a pink miniskirt. As he swishes around in the skirt, feeling the soft fabric fluttering around his hips, he feels pretty, like himself.
It’s like he’s letting himself be himself for once, letting the child, the teenager resurface from their places buried deep inside his heart.
Looking at the reflection in the mirror, he grins, enjoying the way the outfit showed off his long, slender legs, and the soft curve of his hip.
The material was perfectly light and smooth on his pale skin, it made him look so good it could be described as delicious. Maybe he should put on some accessories—
Knock, knock, knock
A shiver ran down Jake’s spine, his eyes widened like saucers, and he freezes on the spot, still in the outfit. Time has stopped – or, he wishes in that moment that time would stop and let him fix this predicament.
Jaeyun wished time could stop for forever, in this moment.
This is catastrophic.
The footsteps grew louder, striding closer and closer to the bedroom in which he was in.
It’s only 2 people?
The door swings open on its hinges, rusty; Jungwon had been asking the company to fix and repair their dorm for weeks, but it was in vain, the company was stingy.
The creaking of the door is the only sound in the room when Jay and Sunoo focused their eyes onto Jake.
A sharp gasp makes its way out of Sunoo’s mouth, and he starts to ask, “Jake hyung? What—“
Jake’s thoughts spin out of control, spiralling, pulling him deeper. Anxiety starts to coil in the pit of his stomach, and it’s long spindly limbs wrap themselves around his body, trapping him in a whirlwind of emotions.
It’s only Jay and Sunoo, they’re the sweetest ones, I’ll be fine.
Jay hates girly things.
Sunoo acts girly so—
It doesn’t matter.
I’m done for.
Fucking done for.
He does the only thing he can think of – he runs.
Runs faster than he’d ever run, pushing past both Jay and Sunoo, who are knocked back with a dull thud but remain standing, straight into the bathroom.
The door slams shut with a sound that reverberates in the small space, the lock clicks sharply with a turn of the doorknob.
He can feel his heart thrumming rapidly against his chest, under his ribs, it was trying to escape his body. As is if it were a bird trapped in a cage.
The cold tile absorbed all the force when his knees gave out, slamming his legs and hips into the floor, the back of his head hit the porcelain of the toilet. It was biting cold, and his whole body hurts horribly from the fall, he swears he could feel warm blood trickling down the back of his head.
And that was all he could think of.
Warm.
Warm.
Warm.
A finger finds the origin of the blood, a slight open wound on the back of his head.
It was warm.
Blood will warm me up.
Shakily, he brings his other hand up to the back of his head, then smashed them into the open wound.
The pain was dizzying, black spots splattered across his vision, it felt warm.
Warm like the mother he didn’t have.
It felt so good.
So, so good.
Thus, he does it again, and again, and again.
He’s only dimly aware of the sharp jabs of pain, accompanied by the dull throbbing of his wounded skull, but he can’t think straight right now. He just wants to chase that warmth.
Until his blood was coming out in waves, until he felt weak on the ice-cold tiles.
He was dimly aware of shouting outside the door, then everything went black.
When light comes to his eyes, he finds himself in a hospital, laying on a white bed. The room smells like antiseptic and something sterile.
Damn, my head hurts.
The second thing he notices is six pairs of eyes peering down on him, and a mix of six voices all attempting to talk to him.
“Jake hyung! Hyung is awake!”
“Calm down, Riki, you’ll startle him—“
“Shut up! He needs quiet right now!”
“I want to talk to Jake—“
A booming voice finally is able to silence them all, and he sees that it’s Sunoo, holding up a megaphone.
Heeseung scrunches his face and says with a startled expression, “Now where the fuck did you get a freaking megaphone from?”
Sunoo says, “Not important. Yall need to shut your mouths before Jake hyung goes into a coma again from a headache,” his hands are on his hips, and a rarely seen serious expression is painted on his face. He doesn’t look all too mad, but he’s definetly pissed, Jake observes.
The man puts the megaphone down onto the couch by the door, and his face softens into a half smile when he looks at Jake.
“Jake hyung.. we missed you, can I hug you?”
Jake hesitates for a moment, then nods slowly, still aware of the pain in the back of his head.
Sunoo’s arms are impeccably warm and gentle as they always are, as when he’s pulling Jake into a hug or helping Jake with something.
The younger leans over the edge of the bed to hug Jake, and pats his shoulders softly.
His smile is conflicted when he says, “Hyung.. never do that again, okay? We were so worried for you.”
“Ok, Sunoo-yah. I won’t, I was just,” Jake pauses l, searching for the right word, “really overwhelmed in the moment. I won’t do it again, you don’t need to worry.”
And with one more pat on the shoulder, Sunoo rises and leaves the room, not before he murmurs something into Jungwon’s ear.
Jungwon nods, but his reaction is too late to catch Sunoo, who is out of the room in a flash. Who knows with what objective.
Jay is next to approach his bedside, and he murmurs straight into Jake’s ear.
“Yun. Please be more sensible next time. I felt like I would explode with worry when you didn’t wake up for a week. I don’t care if you’re doing something secret. Dont just run out and into the bathroom. How the hell did you even break your head open?”
And of course, because Jay is Jay, he adds with a teasing tone, “You looked pretty in the outfit, anyway. No need to hide.”
Almost as if Jay can read Jake’s mind, he also notes, “We haven’t told the others why you ran out of the room. If you don’t want them to know yet, rest assured.”
And Jake is thankful for how thoughtful Sunoo and Jay have been, and that they haven’t recoiled from him in disgust after seeing him in such unusual clothing.
Honestly it brings tears to his eyes, but he wills himself to swallow the feeling.
In the same fashion of a quiet murmur, Jake asks timidly, “Jay hyung. You don’t think it’s bad? Or.. disgusting?”
Jay wants to laugh and cry, Jake looks like a kicked puppy. But it’s not the moment to do either, so he just smiles and replies, “Why would it be? If it makes you feel good, I have no right to say you shouldn’t. Or that it’s bad.”
He holds two hands up to make speech marks at the last word.
Jay pulls back and sits down on the couch.
Jake looks up from the bed and asks to no one in particular, “How long was I out? How long do I have to stay here? And, how.. how bad is the wound?”
“You were out for a week and a day. You’ve gotta stay for like, 5 more days? I think, the doctor said something about that. Never mind. The damage isn’t too bad, really. A small fracture. Nothing that won’t heal fast enough for you to not take a long hiatus,” Sunghoon answers earnestly.
Jake can see the honesty swimming in those big, black eyes. So he nods, accepting it.
Ni-kis eyes are rimmed pink, but he looks happy when he speaks.
“Jake hyung. I was so worried about you. I wish I knew why you did that. And how it even happened.”
“Oh,” Jake replies, his voice is small, “I.. well, I ran. Into the bathroom. But I was so dizzy that I fell and hit my head on the toilet seat. Then.. I felt blood on my scalp. It wasn’t that bad on first impact. But for some, some reason I..”
Jay interjects, “It’s okay if you don’t want to say it, Jakey.”
“No, I want to say. And I, I liked how warm the blood was. So I kept smashing my head with my hands. Then I fainted, and woke up here. Matter of fact, who found me?”
6 heads turn to Sunoo, who has just re-entered the room. He looks back at them.
“What? Whyre you all staring at me like I’m an artefact. I’m good looking, yea I know, thank you, but no need to stare so hard.”
“Jake, this is the one who found you,” Jungwon points to Sunoo, and looks back at the man, “Sunoo hyung, that’s why we were looking at you.”
Sunoo dismisses it impassively.
“My point still stands.”
“Oh, Sunoo. You found me? Sorry you had to see, well, that.”
“Don’t be apologising, it’s not worth it. I’ve seen things far worse in movies anyways.”
Jake doesn’t look convinced, he wants to say more, apologise to Sunoo and Jay, and the rest of the members who were so worried, but in accordance to what Sunoo said, he held back.
Sunoo does look unusually calm for how charged the room is with tension, but Jungwon is, too. So Jake concludes it’s not important.
The room lacks ambience. It’s cold, and bright, and sterile, and everything that screams hospital, which is ironic because it is a hospital, but Jake has never liked hospitals.
He hasn’t noticed until now that his head is wrapped with a thick bandage, and that whoever dressed him has decided not to give him bottoms. An odd fact, but Jake notices that he is quite bare.
They haven’t put him in a pair of warm pajamas, instead he’s been given a thin hospital gown that’s too thin, breathable. It’s freezing.
Jake wonders why he has only been given this dainty gown, as he knows his members would never let that be.
The members seem to notice his thinking, and so Heeseung says, “What’re you thinking about, Jaeyun?”
“Hmm. Nothing. Just that you’ve put me in this cold gown and not my pajamas,” his lip juts out into a small pout. How dare they not give him proper clothes.
Heeseung seems like he’s holding back a chuckle, and he says, “Oh, that wasn’t us. Your mother didn’t want that, for some reason. Said something about being a hassle.”
“My.. mother?”
And with that Jake is mortified, because his mother means cold words under diguises of worry and biting anger that’s never explosive, but bone chilling.
“Yes, indeed, your mother, Jaeyun.”
A female voice speaks in a thick Australian accent from by the door.
“What have you been up to, hm? Without me you just have to mess up, don’t you? The fans will be so upset, Jake. Don’t you want to please them?” Her voice is sweet, too sweet, it’s fake.
“I.. of course, I want to please them but—“
“Excuses. You and your stupid excuses. How the fuck have you gotten a hole in your head? Mind you, I flew here from Australia just to see you, so you’d better answer.”
Her snarling tone is different to the comfort of soft voices Jake’s adjusted to over the years, and he feels like he’s 5 again and his mother is angry with him for the first time.
“Fell, I’m sorry, mum, I swear. Fell and hit my head on the toilet seat.”
“Gosh. You stupid piece of,” she sucks in a sharp breath, “well. At least you didn’t die.”
And maybe she adds the last part thinking Jake wouldn’t hear, or maybe she wants Jake to hear her words.
“Should’ve just died.”
It’s too much for Jake, and he can feel tears spring to his eyes. He doesn’t want to cry, not when there’s 7 people watching him and he should’ve gotten used to these words, but it’s been years since he’s met his mother. So he hasn’t faced her wrath in quite the while.
Sunoo, and the others too, look infuriated, but it’s Sunoo who speaks.
“Get out, I don’t care that you’re his mother, just go.”
She scoffs, “Like I’d want to stay and see his ugly face.”
Her heels click on the floor, the door slams shut subtly.
Sunoo moves over to Jake, his expression already softened for him.
“Hey, Jake.. she didn’t mean that. I want, we want you to stay here – with us, with Enhypen until the end of our lives, ok?”
The waterworks have already started, and tears are dripping down Jake’s face.
“Hey, calm down.. it’s ok, let it all out. We’re here for you.”
The rest nod in agreement, and it makes Jake want to cry harder. Why couldn’t his own mother be like them?
Heeseung reaches out to Jake, who’s crying into Sunoo’s neck (though Sunoo doesn’t mind), and squeezes their hands together.
He’s trembling, his face is red and blotchy, and his eyes are probably rimmed red by now.
Jay looks at him with the softest eyes Jake has seen in years, and he says, “Jake, it’s gonna be ok. The fans aren’t upset. They’re awaiting you to come back! No one, and I mean no one, is upset or angry with you.”
Jake peers from Sunoo’s neck, and asks, “Really? I don’t know, I don’t know if I can believe that.”
“You don’t have to believe it. Just know it, ok?”
“O-okay.”
When he’s done crying, Sunoo settles into a sitting position on a chair next to him, and keeps holding Jake’s hand.
“You know, it’s really stupid for me to cry over this. Mums always been saying stuff like that since I was 5, and I should’ve been able to deflect it, but I guess it’s been a hot minute since she told me any thing like that, so. That happened. And I’m really sorry, I shouldn’t be crying over this—“
His rambling is cut off by a gentle hand carding through his hair, and a voice in his ear whispering, soothing him.
It’s Sunghoon, of course it’s Sunghoon.
“Not your fault at all. Seriously, we’d all cry if we were told our mum wanted us to die.”
Jake laughs wetly at the image of a Jay crying, or even Sunghoon, but his happiness is short lived.
“Aren’t you tired? It’s late, like 10pm now. Go to bed, Jaeyun. We’re waiting for you to return with the best health,” Jay gestures to the window curtains which are slightly open (with no purpose – it’s dark out.)
************
5 or 6 days pass by in a blur, and before Jake knows it, he’s off hiatus and back to work.
But he’ll get to training and photo shoots later.
Right now he’s settled very comfortably in Jays lap, and the whole of Enhypen have gathered into the downstairs dorm for a movie night.
Some kind of rom-com is playing on the television, but both of them aren’t paying much attention to it.
Jay is running a hand through Jake’s hair, and Jake is laying back in his broad chest.
Jays voice is low when he whispers into Jake’s ear, “Hey, Jaeyun. Won’t you wear a skirt again? To look pretty? For me?”
Jake goes red from his face down to his toes and he says, “Um. I probably will. Not for you!”
“Aww. Disappointing, honey.” He traces a hand down to Jake’s waist, too close to his hip. It’s pretty obvious what Jay is doing to the other members, and Jake is flushed, trying his best not to squirm.
Soon enough, Jays hand settles on Jake’s thigh. Finally.
“Actually. I’ve got to ask you something? Are you willing to tell the members about that? If you’re not it’s okay, really.” Jay asks quietly.
“Let me think about it,” Jake whispers back.
***********
Time really seems to fly by, because in what seems like only a few days, they’re already backstage for a showcase.
Stylists are bustling around the place, making sure to get everything done.
What confuses everyone is the fact that Jake has gotten his make up done, but he hasn’t received his outfit yet. It’s not a problem, since they got plenty of time till they’re on stage, but everyone else is already styled.
Just then, a stylist ushers him over to a changing room and hands him the clothes he needs to wear.
Jake is in shock when he sees the outfit.
Correction, outfits.
It seems that the stylist has given him to choice to choose between two outfits, which had never happened before, so it’s a shocker.
The first is fine, and normal. Light blue jeans, a white shirt with a pink jacket – akin to everything else they’ve been styled in for XO.
The second, is what truly shocks him.
It’s a large jersey printed with his name and birthday number, and a short skirt to go with it. The skirt is scandalously short, and when he tries it on, it rides up all the way to his upper thigh. If he’s gonna wear this, he for sure needs shorts under.
The jersey is normal enough, they’ve worn these before.
The first thought he has is that this is definetly Jays doing, and he’s not too pissed about that (Jake had already told the company and the other members about his clothing habits.)
But to wear this on stage? With engenes watching? What would they think of Jake? Would they say it looks good? Or that he’s gay and not fit to be in Enhypen, or that he’s not even that good looking? Or would they just assume he’s a cross dresser and not that he’s gay?
Which is also a stupid assumption, since he’s quiet literally in a situationship with Jay.
But it’s now or never.
Now or never.
..He chooses now.
He wa definetly correct that this was Jays doing, because when he steps out, only Jay is not surprised by the outfit.
That dumbass smirks instead.
Jake swears he’s going to smother him with a pillow in his sleep, or do something to get that smug face off.
“Jay! I know you did this! You dumb fucker!”
“Calm down, Jake. You look good.”
Jake had forgotten, that this is Jay, Jay who knows how to make him melt and forget his anger in seconds.
Sadly.
Before they can bicker any longer, Sunghoon cuts in.
“Are you two a thing or something? Because nothing about the way you guys act is platonic.”
They both answer in unison.
“Kinda,” says Jake.
“Yea, probably,” says Jay.
This time it’s Jay who looks offended, “Ey! No playing around like that, Jaeyun.”
“Fine. We probably have feelings for each other but don’t want to confront it, and might have had se—“
“OK! That enough!” Sunghoon yelps.
Jake and Jay both laugh at their haunted expressions.
*********
Now it’s quiet in their dorm. Once again, all seven of them have gathered in the downstairs dorm.
Jungwon, Heeseung and Ni-ki are playing league of legends, or something akin to that.
Sunghoon and Sunoo are watching yet another rom-com, and it consisted more of Sunghoon rolling his eyes at cheesy scenes and Sunoo teasing him about it.
Jay and Jake are sitting on Jake’s bed.
“Jay?,” Jake says, his voice soft and mellow, “Did I do good today? At the showcase?”
Jay’s response is, “Of course. You did wonderful.”
“Mmhm.”
Jake is sitting on Jays lap yet again, not having learnt his lesson from the movie night.
Jay, grabby whenever he’s with Jake, has his hands on Jake’s thighs, drawing lazy circles on them.
“I love you so much, Jay. And it’s time I went no contact with my mum.”
The man chuckles, and Jake can feel the vibration in his back where it’s pressed to Jays chest.
“Righto. I love you too. And, I must say, your thighs looked really good in that skirt.
“Pervert!” Jake chirps, but he’s blushing and lets Jays hands travel further up from their place on his lower thighs.
“Oh, honey, please. You know you love when I say that.”
Jake erupts into a stupid fit of giggles, but not for long, when Jays hand slides into his pants.
“Jay, seriously.. everyone’s outside–ah..”
“Shh. No noise tonight, honey.”
Maybe Jays smirk isn’t too bad at all.
Cause now all Jake can think of is how hot Jay is.
**********
Like a flock of birds, Heeseung, Jungwon and Ni-ki have settled in the living room to watch a movie with Sunghoon and Sunoo.
It’s peaceful enough, save for the occasional teases and laughs.
Well, until a very distinct noise that can only come from one thing erupts from Jake’s room.
But oh well.
That’s none of their business, anyway.
So if Jake’s walking weird the next day, they definitely won’t tease him about it.