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Even after being together for almost three years, Matthew can find himself admiring Taerae from afar.
Or from up close - it doesn’t really matter.
On the days they work from home, sometimes from each side of the kitchen table, he finds himself looking up from his computer screen and glancing at his boyfriend.
He finds himself looking at every single crevice of Taerae’s face, all of which he’s already familiar with. Matthew gets stuck with identifying all the moles and wrinkles, noticing how he pokes his tongue against the inside of his cheek when he’s focusing or how every now and then, he has to readjust his glasses even though they’ve barely moved.
Or when they stand next to each other in the bathroom, brushing their teeth together.
Taerae is always sleepier than Matthew, usually the one to fall asleep first despite them going to bed at the same time almost every night.
When Taerae is sleepy like that, he tends to frown or pout, unknowingly. It’s similar in the mornings, Taerae stays in bed for a little longer while Matthew gets out of bed before him and starts getting ready.
And when Taerae finally gets up, coming to greet Matthew in the kitchen with a kiss or two, Matthew is reminded of how he loves Taerae in all forms - all shapes and sizes, no matter his mood or whatever obstacles they have to tackle.
He loves him on the days when life is a little rough, when they’re both sensitive and easy to trigger into a pathetic argument about silly things like the dishes or who’s supposed to make the bed. But he loves him nonetheless, he loves Taerae through the occasional periods of insecurity as well as the moments where he’s more confident than ever.
He loves his messy hair in the mornings but he also loves when he’s gotten ready for work and has his hair just a tad more styled than usual. Matthew loves Taerae’s moments of rambling after he’s watched a new show, or heard a new song, or found out some tea at work about people Matthew has no clue who they are.
But he loves it. He absolutely loves everything about Taerae and wishes for that to never, ever change.
If he really had to, though, he’d easily make a list of his top five things.
your lips.
There are plenty of things Matthew can find himself getting stuck at whenever he’s looking at Taerae.
His eyes, his dimples, his dark brown hair, his decorative and functional glasses, his ears, his moles or his eyebrows- but his lips, that’s where most of Matthew’s imagination stems from, he won’t lie.
Because Taerae’s lips are soft and plump and a pretty pink-ish colour. They’re sweet and gentle and move in ways Matthew can only dream of.
It’s a joke among their friends that Taerae pouts sometimes, or when he’s relaxed, and they all call him a duck when he does. It’s funny and silly because Taerae always pretends that he doesn’t enjoy it, but he really does like the attention he gets. Matthew knows him too well.
Taerae purses his lips when he’s focusing, sometimes he pouts when he’s confused, and the resemblance of a duck is hilarious in the most adorable way.
Matthew teases him about it too when they’re alone, to which he always earns an eye roll in return, but he also finds himself glancing at the other’s lips.
He notices that Taerae tries hard to suppress a smile, and though he succeeds, Matthew knows his movements well enough.
The corners of his lips quiver, and he knows that as soon as Taerae turns away, a huge smile will appear on his face.
your style.
Another thing that their friends sometimes joke about is Taerae’s style.
He jokes about it himself too, because he’s never cared much for fashion or trends, and he prefers being comfortable over being stylish.
Whatever that term entails, that is…
But it’s also a way of creating lies - Taerae has great style, he’s just not one to showcase it often.
Matthew, the lucky man he is, sees it every now and then. Taerae thinks a lot, he’s a clever guy, he matches accessories in an interesting way.
He’s good at jewellery, despite the fact that he probably wears earrings once per year. There are days where he puts on a couple of rings, a bracelet, or even helps Matthew picking what earrings to wear.
He has a good sense of style but doesn’t boast about it, he wears his baggy jeans and sweaters and hoodies and is happy and pleased as long as he’s comfortable. Glasses are his go-to and sometimes he adds a cap when he’s too lazy to put much effort into his hair.
He likes colourful clothing and sometimes goes for all black, he’s not one to wear formal clothing and avoids suits and vests and anything that is deemed unprofessional unless it’s steamed.
Taerae looks good in a lot of things. Matthew thinks he looks great in red, and that he looks sexy as hell in brown and black. He thinks Taerae looks pretty in the mornings with his messy hair and a loose shirt and grey sweats or colourful pyjama pants. He’s cute whenever he steals a shirt from Matthew though that’s a rare occurrence, because their styles are similar but still different enough for them not to reach for each other’s clothes that often.
Taerae looks cute and sexy and hot as fuck in his glasses (which he wears almost daily, mind you), and Matthew loses his mind every time.
They occasionally go on dates that require them to wear semi-fancy clothing, a button up shirt and perhaps a pair of pants that aren’t too loose. It’s also a rarity to see Taerae in anything form-fitting, but he’s started wearing short sleeved shirts lately that sit just a little tighter on his upper body, and Matthew wants to eat him up every time.
He just has to control himself. Mostly.
your kiss.
Kissing Taerae is a gift that keeps on giving.
It never ends, it doesn’t ever get less exciting, and Matthew still finds himself day-dreaming about kissing Taerae as if they were nothing but two boys having silly crushes on one another.
It doesn’t matter that they’ve been together for so many years already, Matthew is forever going to be head over heels when it comes to kissing the man he’s fallen so deeply for.
Their first kiss had been awkward, he’ll admit, and the tension had been so high Matthew thought he could’ve passed out before their lips even touched.
Because it was a cliche moment. Oh, way too cheesy.
After their third date, he’d walked Taerae back to the bus stop, and two minutes before the bus came, they kissed. A peck, nothing more and nothing less, followed by another press that lingered just a little longer.
Before their first kiss, they’d just been staring at each other, surely for way too long. Matthew didn’t count, nor does he think Taerae did, perhaps for the best.
He knows he’d been blushing, but once they pulled back and he saw how flushed Taerae’s cheeks were, Matthew felt himself get overwhelmed by a kind of happiness he’d never felt before.
The funny thing about it is that, those feelings have been lingering for the past three years. The bubbly feeling is still apparent in his gut whenever he kisses Taerae, no matter the moment.
It can be a kiss in the morning, still in bed or in the kitchen. It can be when they kiss in the evenings or when greeting the other as they come back home from work. Or, it’s when it’s late at night and pecks turn into lingering presses which then turn into lips moving and hands dragging.
Taerae is a good kisser, even though he’s the more pliant one. He caves easily and Matthew tends to lead, but it’s still good - it’s still as amazing and wonderful as their first kiss, except for the shyness and uncertainty that had been there the first time.
Taerae kisses him without fear. He cups Matthew’s face in his hands and occasionally runs his fingers through his hair and kisses him with intent; with the goal of showcasing affection and love and sometimes a sprinkle of desperation.
He’s good at kissing his skin and smiling while doing so, he can litter kisses over Matthew’s jaw and neck and Matthew can feel how big he’s smiling while he’s doing whatever he wants. Even when Matthew takes control, which is usually what happens because it’s what both of them naturally fall into, the butterflies stay when he’s kissing Taerae instead, scattering kisses and pecks on his skin and making him squirm underneath him.
It’s a dream, being kissed by Taerae and being able to kiss Taerae.
your smile.
Whenever Matthew gets asked the question of what made him fall for Taerae, he’s always at a loss, because it’s difficult to pick just one thing.
But, if he gets the chance to sit with it for a bit, if he gets a couple minutes to think about it, he’ll come up with an answer.
His smile.
There are a lot of things that come with Taerae’s smile.
He laughs loudly, and purely without shame or regret. He talks loudly and he’s bold, often with a smile on his face.
Dimples appear on his cheeks when he laughs or smiles and sometimes even when he talks about random things. When he’s shy and tries to suppress a smile, the dimples appear and expose him nonetheless.
It’s easy to make Taerae smile. Matthew gives him a compliment and the smile won’t leave his face for the next fifteen minutes. He’ll tell him a horrible joke, but Taerae will still smile at him.
Even if it’s with pity, or judgement, Matthew really doesn’t mind.
They can be in the middle of a make out session, tangled in the sheets or perhaps pressed against the shower wall, and Taerae will smile whenever they pull back to breathe.
Taerae smiles when he tells Matthew how much he loves him, he smiles when they cook dinner together, he smiles in the mornings when their alarms have gone off and they’re both still drowsy with sleep just looking at each other.
The first time Matthew saw Taerae smile, he’s sure he fell immediately.
They met through mutual friends at a birthday event all those years ago, and way before Matthew even knew Taerae’s name, he’d already heard his laugh approximately ten times.
Then they got introduced to one another and Taerae, as one does, smiled at him when they first met, and Matthew has been a lost cause ever since. Because Taerae had been wearing his glasses, his hair had been semi-styled, and he’d been wearing an all black outfit.
The sweet smile in contrast to his cool clothing made Matthew weak in the knees right then and there, but he’ll never admit such a thing.
His smile is beautiful, and Matthew had not been, and still isn’t, any better than any other gay man nearing his mid-twenties. He sees a hot guy with a pretty smile and glasses (and dimples!) and he’s gone. He’s melted and fallen and already down on his knees.
Taerae smiles at him every day. Matthew will never get tired of it. Never.
and number one, how you make me feel like.
Taerae makes Matthew feel a lot of things.
Happiness, sadness, guilt, shame, love, attraction, desire, anger, frustration, butterflies, a racing heart, some more love, and perhaps a bit of confusion for the few times they don’t agree on things.
When they first met, Matthew recalls feeling as if a wave of relief and nerves had washed over him. The relief of already having an inkling that, perhaps this could be his person.
And a fluttering, nervous feeling of being full of new emotions. Real love mixed together with the unnecessary shame of not knowing what to do or how to act.
Or when they had their first date, and he dared to reach out and hold Taerae’s hand despite his brain screaming at him not to do so, but his heart calmly telling him that it’s worth a shot and that it’ll be okay.
Then came the day they became official, and Taerae had actually been the one throwing the question out.
It was the beginning of November, the first snow of the season had just fallen, and they were at Matthew’s place.
The plan for the evening was to make dinner and watch a movie that Taerae specifically had been so excited about showing him, then see where the night would lead them. A little spontaneous, but still planned, just how they both liked it - and still do.
Matthew had almost panicked when Taerae asked him the question, not because of anything specific other than the fact that it surprised him.
“I just wanted to ask,” Taerae says, suddenly speaking a little quieter than before.
Unusual, not too surprising, Matthew thinks.
He hums in acknowledgement.
“Yes?”
Taerae pauses, then he clears his throat.
“We’ve been on a lot of dates now,” Taerae continues, looking elsewhere. Matthew notes how he’s fiddling with his own fingers in his lap. “And, you know, whenever my friends or my family ask about ‘this guy I’m seeing’, I’ve started telling them that you’re my boyfriend.”
Matthew’s heart stops, lips parting briefly, and he loses track of anything he’d planned on saying.
It’s a good thing. The butterflies enter his chest and fill his entire stomach and he feels how his cheeks turn red.
“So, you know, can I ask you if you want to be my boyfriend? I really want you to be my boyfriend, so…”
It’s almost painful to notice how shy Taerae is as he asks this, as if he’s questioning himself, so Matthew reaches forward, grabbing his hands.
“I would love that, Taerae, really, so so much.”
Taerae blushes. Deeply.
Matthew kisses him.
A constant warmth has circulated through Matthew’s chest ever since then, sometimes so much that it’s been feeling as if he’s gotten burnt when the emotions overflow.
It’s a warmth that follows him through everything and anything.
When they cuddle in bed or on the couch, it’s a gentle warmth, glowing comfortably.
When they’re gripping onto each other and muffling sounds others shouldn’t hear, it’s a fire that’s hard to control, it’s scorching and rapid and the heat sips out through kisses and gasps and moans.
Then the warmth slows down during the moments they fight or need to take a breather from each other. It’s not too often, but it happens, they’re just human.
They’re two human beings trying their hardest to make their love for each other power through everything, ups and downs and obstacles they can’t be prepared for.
Yet, the warmth stays, always present, always glowing, never once fading away or causing Matthew to lose the spark that ignites as soon as his eyes land on Taerae.
Taerae makes him feel a lot. Some people would look at the two of them and say that whatever they’re feeling is too much, but in response to that, Matthew would just tell them to look at love a little differently.
Loving isn’t hard, not when you love Kim Taerae.
Listing five things is impossible, because how much Taerae makes him feel is number one on the list, but is just a summary of what Taerae is.
He loves that Taerae makes him feel love in everything.
He loves how Taerae makes him feel.
Everything is a mixture of… well, everything.
Desire and lust and happiness and never-ending butterflies to occasional anger and disappointment, which are all things they solve, because it’s easy.
Everything with Taerae feels easy.